SCENE: Next morning...
*Quatre bounds into Wufei's room, super cheery and perky. * [Obviously he's a morning person...]
Quatre: (Super-super cute) Rise and shine sleepy head! (He yanks open the shades.) It's a beautiful day!
*Growling in pain [and annoyance], Wufei buries his head under the covers. *
Wufei: Kisama! Close those *bleep*-ing shades and get the hell out of my room!
Quatre: *SIGH! * {Looks like he's back to his old self today...} Quit beinging stubborn, Wuffie. It's time for you to get out of bed! (He walks to the bed and pulls the blanket off.) GASP!!
* An extremely pale and sickly looking Wufei feebly glares at him. *
Wufei: What the hell are you staring at, baka?
Quatre: *Nervous laugh* Oh, nothing.Umm...I've got to go.
*He bolts out of the room and runs out into the garden where, once again, Zechs is having breakfast with Trieze, Sally, and now Relena. *
Quatre: Zechs! I mean, Millinardo! I mean, DAD!
Backstage...
Vegeta: Looks like the girly boy can't get his lines straight. *Laughs nastily*
V-chan: SILENCE VEGGIE! *Shocks him repeatedly with the cattle prod. *
Vegeta: @.@ You'll pay for this!
Zechs: *Sip* Yes, son.
Quatre: Something horrible has happened to Wufei...doh! I mean Lucas!
Trieze: WHAT?! (Leaps out of his seat and grabs Quatre by the arms, shaking him violently.) What's happened to my little dragon?! (Shakes him harder.) TELL ME!
Quatre: @.@! (Faints.)
Relena: TRIEZE, PUT HIM DOWN! THAT IS NO WAY TO GET AN ANSWER!
Sally: She's right! (Pulls Quatre out of his grasp and hands him to Relena.) Besides, Wufei isn't your 'Little Dragon.' He's MINE!
Trieze: Oh, I beg to differ, b-*bleep*!
Sally: Bring it on, you goddamn *bleep*!
*They glare at each other, sparks shooting from their eyes. *[CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!]
Quatre: (Coming back around and looking up at Relena.) T...t-Trowa?
Relena: *Sweat drop! * Umm...no. Me Relena.
Quatre: Awah, damn! So this isn't some crazy nightmare?
Relena: I only wish it was, Quatre-chan. I only wish it was.
*Sally and Trieze are still locked in their DEATHGLARES(c), ready to rip each other's throats out. *
V-chan: Could you two please cut it out and get on with the damn fic!
Zechs: *sip* At last, the voice of reason!
*Everyone stares at him.*
Zechs: What?
Everyone: Nothing...
*Zechs shurgs, and picking up the teapot and another cup, leads the way to Wufei's room. *
SCENE: Doctor Seward's study, later that day.
Duo:Whoa there! You can't just switch scenes on us like that!
V-chan: Why not?
Duo:Cause it's confusing! (Goes chibi and whines.) Besides, I wanna know what happened after they went into Wuffie's room!
V-chan: But Duo-chan! The readers wanna see Heero in this fic!
Duo: (Still chibi, tears welling up in his eyes.) But, *sniffle* what about me? (Lip quivers.) Don't you like me?
V-chan: Of course I like you, Duo-chan! (Huggles Duo.) But I'm doing this for the sake of my fans, like the great authoresses Chibi Lurel and Shingami Baby. And let's not forget those kind people who reviewed me, such as Elf!
Duo: (Reverts to normal.) Well, okay. But I'm only letting you off because it's for the fans.
V-chan: Thankies! (Kisses Duo on the cheek.)
Duo: O.O *Blush*
*Trieze looks out the window, deep in thought, while Sally, Relena, and Zechs try to think of how they can help poor Wufei.*
Sally: He's appears to have lost an ungodly amount of blood.
Relena: Yes, but how? There weren't any cuts or other liasons on Wufei big enough to cause that much blood lose.
Zechs: *Thoughtfull sips his tea.* Hmm...There seems to be no rational explaination for his sudden illness.
*Suddenly, Trieze truns to them with a dramatic flourish.*
Trieze: There's only one man who can help us in this matter! (He walks out of the study, only pausing for a theatrical flick of his cape.)
Relena: What was that all about?
Zechs: *Sip.* I don't know. *Sip*
SCENE: Windswept field of ungodly tall grass. In the midst of the field is a dirt road, and standing in the middle of it is Trieze. After about oh...an hour or so goes by [Okay, I'm exaggerating this a bit, but he does take a while to get there. >=)], a dark figure dressed in a HUGE cloak and equally large hat appears, mounted upon a cyborg horse. He stops a few feet form Trieze.
Trieze: Are you a hunter?
Mysterious Figure: ... *I-staring-right-through-you-look*
Trieze: If you won't answer me, then I'm just going to have to hit with my whip just because it's suppose to prove wheter or not you're a hunter.
*With that, Trieze pulls out a laser whip and whips him. It loops around his arms and neck.*
Trieze: Crap! Looks like I got the wrong guy.
*The Mysterious Figure says nothing. Suddenly, the laserwhip around his arms and neck crack off in a superemely cool way. He goes around Trieze as if nothing happened.*
Trieze: WAIT!
*He stops.*
Trieze: I have a friend who is in desperate need of you assistance.
Mysterious Figure: (Monotone) Where is she?
Trieze: Umm...It's a he.
Mysterious Figure: (Still monotone) Whatever. Just take me to him.
Trieze: Aren't you interested in HOW I'm going to pay you?
Mysterious Figure: No. I don't swing that way.
Trieze: You insult me, sir.
Mysterious Figure: I meant to.
SCENE: Back at the study,in the late afternoon.
Relena: I wonder where Trieze went off to.
Zechs: *sip* I haven't the slightest idea.
Relena: But aren't you two supposed to be really close to one another?
Zechs: Well, we were once very 'close,' but I don't think you want to know about that... *sip* Beside, Trieze and I had a bit of a falling out before the end of the war and all.
[Oooh, the Drama! Oh wait, that's one of Shinigami Baby's fics... (SHAMELESS PLUG!)]
Relena: Oh, I'm sorry.
Zechs: Now, Relena, you don't have to apologize for asking about it... *sip* Umm...by the way, (Notices that they're the only ones in the room.) Where did Sally go?
Relena: Oh, she's decided to stand guard outside of Wufei's room, just in case Trieze doubled back and snuck in there.
* Suddenly, the door opens and in walks Trieze followed by the Mysterious Figure.*
Trieze: *Grinning* I have found our savior, my dear friends! (Dramatic flourish)Allow me to inroduce Dr. Abraham Von Helsing. [I bet he's expecting fanfare too!]
Figure: Hn.
Relena: HEERO! (Jumps out of her chair and promptly glomps our beloved pilot of Wing Zero.) Oh, Heero-kun! You don't know how good it feels to see you once again!
Heero: (Doesn't move.) Hello to you too, Relena.
*Relena looks up at him with those dewy doe-eyes as the background changes to a pale rainbow filled with thousands of pastel-colored bubbles. Tiny heart-shaped sparkles swirl around them as Chibi-angel [or should that be devil? ^.^] Duos toss rose petals over their heads. Mean while, someone starts to play a violin as ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC fills the room.* [Must...not...add...any...more...shojo...stuff!]
Quatre: Awah...(Stops playing the violin.) Don't they make a lovely couple? (Eyes get all dewy.)
Zechs: *sip* Aren't you supposed to be her fiancee?
* The background shatters and both Quatre and Relena glare at Zechs.*
Relena: Please don't remind us. (Let's go of Heero and slumps unhappily into a chair.)
Heero: Can I go see the 'patient' now?
*Zechs leads him to Wufei's room. Relena and Quatre tag along while Trieze goes out for a stroll in the garden, grumbling something about the inapproiate use of rose petals on two-bit trash. As they near the room, they can hear shouting.*
Wufei: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID ONNA!
Sally: Oh come on, just one little quickie, Wuffie.
Wufei:NO! (Wufei dives her and hides in the closet, locking the door.)
*Sally is trying to pry the door open when Zechs and co. walk in.*
Relena and Quatre: (Face fault) Oh my GOD/ALLAH!
Sally: (Realizing they're there.) Oh..eh...I was just...um...checking on Wufei dearest. Yeah, that's it. Just checking. Hee-hee... (She slinks out of the room, face flushed bright red and with a serious nosebleed.)
*Expressionless, Heero picks the lock on the closet and looks at Wufei.*
Heero: So, you were the one who was bitten?
Wufei: Well no shit Sherlock! Why else would I be wearing this? (Points angrily to a bandage wrapped around his neck.)
Heero: (Gingerly pulls the bandage away from his neck.) When did it happen?
Wufei: Uh...Last night I think. I can't really remember anything after I tried to get out of this accursed fic.
Heero: Hmm... (Walks over to Zechs as Quatre and Relena help Wufei back into bed.) Dr. Seward, I must see you and Mister...eh, Miss Hawker alone for a moment.
*The three of them walk back into the study. Heero stands near the back of the room with his back to them.*
Heero: (Montone[but when is he not?]) I'm afarid I have some disturbing news for you: You're young friend has become the victim of some undead fiend. [DRAMATIC ONIMIOUS PIANO MUSIC!]
Relena: Are you saying he was bitten by a vampire?
Zechs: Vampires? *sip* Sir, don't be ridiculous! It's againist the laws of MODERN SCIENCE!
Heero: But he's lost a lot of blood, hasn't he?
Zechs: Well, yes.
Heero: Yet there was no blood on the sheets or the bed clothes. Now tell how your MODERN SCIENCE can explain that! [Heero...Being sarcastic? Scary.]
Zechs: *Angry sip*
Relena: Well, what do you suggest we do to help Lucas?
Heero: (Ponders a moment.) First, we must insure that the vampire cannot get at him by hanging bales of garlic and crucifixes around Lucas' room. Then, we must track the vampire down and tear out it's black heart with a silver dagger. After that, we stuff it's mouth full of garlic, then hack it's head off with a gravedigger's shovel and boil the corpse in wine. Once that's finished, we...
Relena: Can't we just stake him through the heart?
[OCC ALERT!]
Heero: (All pouty.) Oh sure! Let's do it the easy way and spoil all the fun!
Relena: *HUGE SWEATDROP* {And to think I'm in love with this psycho...}
Zechs: *Sip* Well then, let's stop standing around here like idiots and hop to it then!
*Just after nightfall...*
Wufei: What in the name of god is that horrific smell?!
Relena: It's just the garlic, Wufei. Just try to get some sleep.
Wufei: How the hell am I supposed to sleep with that reck, you stupid onna!
Relena: *Sigh.* It's for your protection, so deal with it! We'll check on you in the morning. Good night. (She walks out, locking the door behind her.)
Wufei: *Groans unhappily* (Pulls the cover over his head.)
SCENE: A cell in the asylum. Duo lays whimpering on the bed after one of many shock treatments. [^_^]
Duo: V-chan's such a *bleep*! Pokes me with that cattle prod all the time, makes me the f*BLEEP*-ing comic releif, and then doesn't even put me in the last two parts! THIS IS SOOOOOOOO UNCOOL!
Voice: Could you please quit that whining? I'm getting a headache.
Duo: TROWA!
*He rushes to the window and sits on the ledge. Duo almost says something, but notices Trowa is hanging upside down and clinging to the wall.*
Trowa: (Noticing Duo's staring at him.) What?
Duo: How did you do that?!
Trowa: I learned it from Melvin the Human Fly, but that's not the reason I came here. Duo, you're going to have to go and remove all that garlic and crap from Wufei's room.
Duo: Why?
Trowa: (Annoyed) Because it's in the damn script and I want to get this F*BLEEP*-ING FIC OVER WITH!
Duo: Umm...That's all fine and dandy but there's just one little problem. (Points to the bars over the window.) I'm locked in here, remember.
*Growling in anger, Trowa bends the bars until there's enough room for Duo to squeeze out of the window.*
Trowa: Happy? Now lets go! (He does a backflip and glides slowly to the ground.)
Duo: MWAHAHAHAHHA! REJOICE PEOPLE, FOR SHINIGAMI HATH RETURN FROM HE-*THUD!* (He leaps out of the window and lands face-first on the ground.)
Trowa: *Sighs and shakes head.* {Now I see why V made him the comic releif.} Duo, remember: I fly, you don't. Now stop goofing off and get your braided ass in gear!
Duo: (Spitting out a mouthfull of dirt.) Oh, OF COURSE! [Get bitchy, Maxwell!] You fly, I don't. You fly, I don't. YOU FLY, I DON'T.
*They walk toward the manor house.*
SCENE: Wufei's bedroom. [SMELL BAD!]
*Slowly, the window is opened and Duo pokes his head in.*
Duo: HOLY SHIT! (Immediately pulls his head out and gags.) {It smells worse than MY ROOM!}
*He puts a clothespin on his nose and silently climbs into the room. As he begins to remove the garlic, Duo hears a series of moans and other...eh, inapproiate noises coming from the bed. He creeps closer to listen. [HENTAI! DUO NO HENTAI!]*
Wufei: (Eh...pleased sounding.) Oooooh...Duo-chan...
Duo: Hehe... {I always know he had a thing for me...} (Leans in closer.)
* Suddenly, Wufei flicks the covers off his head and looks over at Duo, who happens to be leering at him [Aaaand gushing a lot a blood because of a MAJOR nosebleed.]
Wufei: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE![Screams like a girl.] WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING HERE MAXWELLL! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU *bleep-bleep-bleep*!!
*Now everyone else rushes into the room. Duo tries to run, but two ordeals [Lady Une and Noin.] grab him.*
Trieze: Just what the hell is going on here?!
Wufei: This pervert was...was... (Starts sobbing) Look, Kisama, I've just been violated.
Trieze and Sally: WHAT?!
*They lunge for Duo, but Zechs and Heero manage to hold them both back.*
Trieze: HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE MY LITTLE DRAGON, YOU DIRT SON OF A *bleep* ! IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU...
Une: (Dragging Duo off.) Don't worry, sir. I'll personally insure he recieves the most severe punishment imaginable.
Duo: (Whimpering in terror.) Oh GOD, no!
*They drag him off and things return to [semi-]normal.*
Relena: What was he doing here?
Heero: (Calmly) It appears that he was a thrall of the vampire. His master must have sent him to remove the wards so he could get at Lucas.
Wufei: Could you all please leave...I'm really don't want you around me right now...
Zechs: *sip* He's right. Let's leave the poor boy in peace so he can get some rest. (Looks to Heero.) I'm going to stand gaurd at the door. Not that I beleive all this mumbo-jumbo...but, just in case I'm wrong...
Heero: Do what you want.
*They walk out of the room. Meanwhile, out in the garden, one very miffed Trowa watched the whole thing.*
Trowa: Grr...{I should have known he'd screw this one up! Now how the hell am I going to get him?} (He thinks for a moment.)
[DISEMBODIED VOICE ALERT!]
V-chan: You know, Trowa, you do have the power to mesmerize people.
Trowa: So what?
V-chan: You can always 'persuade' Wufei to come out here to you, if you catch my drift.
Trowa: OF COURSE! I'll just hypontize him, and then I can get out of this stupid fic! (Starts to try it, when suddenly he stops.) Whoa, wait a sec...What if it doesn't work.
V-chan: Don't worry. It will. It's in the script after all.
Trowa: I don't remember reading that...
V-chan: Trowa, I'm surprised you even remembered to come to casting calls in the first place!
Trowa: Hey! My memory isn't that bad!
V-chan: Sure it's not. (Stifled laugh.) Now lets get back to the fic!
Trowa: Okay, but how the hell am I supposed to do it?
V-chan: Just call his name, baka!
Trowa: Oooo-kay... (Clears his throat.)[The return of the OMINIOUS YET EROTIC PIANO MUSIC!] Wufei...Wufei..Wufei dearest...Come to me Wufei...
*Heeding the unhallowed call, a hypnotized Wufei climbs out the window. The fiend wraps his cloak around his victim. Afew minutes later, Quatre, unable to sleep [He's an insomiaic people.] just happens to look out his window to see the grizzly sight.*
Quatre: (Screams in horror.)
...And so ends Part 4! But what of our poor Wuffie-chan? And what of the 'punishment' Lady Une is inflicting upon darling Duo-chan? Will Relena and Heero end up in the sack? And, for that matter, will Trowa and Quatre? Well, you'll have to wait until Part 5 to find out!