I have returned! [Poses against rising sun backdrop.] And now may I present the second to last part of this monsrosity! But first, the usual warnings....
Chaine: *AHEM! * Yoai and shouen-ai (Duh!), gratuitous blood'n'violence, foul language, MILD sadomasochism, jokes made with extremely poor taste, V-chan owns none of the characters or series that appear within in this fic ('cept me, of course)...and let's not forget that V's not only seriously ripping off Mel Brookes and Bran Stoker for the plot, but Ann Rice as well for the *cough* deflowerment *cough* scene! [Chaine promptly feels the wrath of 800+ volts to the butt for that last bit.]
Shut up hairball! Louie didn't make out with Lestat during the 'embrace' scene! (Looks to the readers.) Please disregard that little remark. (Puts cattle prod away.) Now, let's get this thing over with...
'Gundam Wing Does Dracula!' Part 5
Heero: You know what must be done, doctor.
Zechs: *Angrily sips his tea* I will not allow you to desecrate
Lucas' body like that!
Heero: But the only way to the victim of a vampire eternal peace
is to drive a stake through their heart.
Zechs: This is ludicrous! You actually believe that a VAMPIRE
attacked him?! *CHUG*
Heero: Well that would explain how he got his THROAT TORN-OUT!
*That cause Quatre, who was already near hysterics over what had happened
to Wufei last night, to burst into another crying 'It's was all my fault!'
fit. *
Relena: Heero! That was totally uncalled for!
Heero: Hn...
Relena: But you are right. (She walks over to him.) Someone
should stand watch over Wu- I mean "Lucas'" grave. (She gives Zechs a puppy-dog
face.) Millinardo, don't you agree that Heero and myself should be the
ones to do it.
Zechs: *sip* Well...all right Relena. *Sip* But make sure HE
(gestures at Heero) doesn't do anything obscene with the corpse.
*Everyone gives him 'funny' looks. *
Zechs: WHAT?
Everyone: Nuthin'!
SCENE: St. Nelson's [A cookie to whomever can guess where I got
this name. ^_^] Cemetery. A lone watchman [Dorothy...AGAIN! *Gags*] is
patrolling the grounds. *
Dorothy: How come I got stuck doing all these shitty roles?
I'm nobility dammit! And I demand to be treated as such!
V-chan: Oh, quit your bitching! Everyone hates you. Now get
your skanky, spiky eye browed ass in gear or else... (Menacingly waves
the cattle prod.)
* A disgruntled Dorothy goes back to patrolling. Suddenly she hears
a noise from one of the tombs. [Ooooh...scary.]*
Voice: (Faintly) Help me.
Dorothy: What the...
Voice: (A little louder) Help me. Please, help me.
Dorothy: Where are you?
Voice: (Really annoyed) I'm in the crypt. Now could you please
let me out of here?
Dorothy: Like hell.
Voice: DAMMIT, ONNA! IT'S IN THE F-*bleep! *-ING SCRIPT!
Dorothy: And why should I follow the script?
Voice: (Sweetly) If you let me out, I'll get you some very interesting
photos of Winner.
Dorothy: Eeeech...No thanks.
Voice: Okay...How about a videotape of stalker b-eh, Relena
in the shower?
Dorothy: NOW YOU'RE TALKING! (She pushes the lid of the coffin
off and is promptly grabbed by a suspiciously familiar dark shape. [Gee...I
wonder who it could be... ^^])
* Meanwhile, our lovely young couple... (Author is promptly DEATHGLARED
by Heero.) Eh...I mean, Dr. Van Helsing and Mr.-Miss Hawker enter the cemetery.
[ERRIE PIANO MUSIC!]*
Heero: All right, our mission is to find Wufei before he can
claim any victims and then stake him. For our search to be most effective,
we must split up. You take the eastern half and I'll take the western half.
If you find him, signal me by...
Relena: Umm...Heero-chan, that's not in the script.
Heero: Yes it is. (Whips out his script.) See? It says right
here that we split up to look for Wufei and kill him.
Relena: But Heeeeeeeeeeerooooo...[ARRRGGH! MY EARDRUMS!] You're
supposed to be trying to convince me that Wufei's become a vampire, and
I don't believe you until we find the body of the night watchman. Then
you suggest we split up.
Heero: If you think about it, suggesting to split up in a
fic is not a very wise thing to do...especially after finding a blood-drained
corpse.
Relena: Good point.
Heero: Besides, I really want out of this fic, so the sooner
we find Wufei, the better!
Relena: Don't you mean 'Lucas'?
Heero: Hn?
Relena: You're supposed to call him 'Lucas'.
Heero: Why?
Relena: Because V got a complaint from one of her reviewers
because Trowa called out 'Wufei, Wufei!' instead of 'Lucas, Lucas!'
Heero: Why should anyone care? This is one of those crazy
movie spoof fics anyway! We're no supposed to really follow the script!
Now can we please get this over with?
Relena: *BLINK! * {More OOC-ing? Well, at least I'm still in
character.}
[Not for long, your highness. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]
[BACKGROUND FOR VILLIANOUS LAUGHTER PIANO MUSIC!]
* They each go their separate ways, failing to notice the mangled corpse
that was Dorothy slummed over a tombstone. As Relena passes a catacomb,
she hears something coming toward her. *
Relena: H-h-h-Heero? (She turns around and is face to face with
the newly risen vampire.)
Wufei: (Hair down and smiling wickedly) Hello, Princess.
[Re-Return of the OMINIOUS YET EROTIC PIANO MUSIC!]
Relena: (Scared) W-w-Wufei...Umm, aren't you supposed to be...
d-d-d-dead?
Wufei: (Laughing.) Foolish woman! I'm not dead. (He backs her
into a tree and leans right in her ear.) I'm UN-dead! (He starts petting
her neck.) You know, I've never noticed what a lovely neck you have, Relena.
Relena: Whoa there! I thought you didn't 'approve' of me!
Wufei: I don't approve of your ideology. I never said I didn't
approve of your body. [EEEEEK! Wufei's going hentai on us!]
Relena: Now that was just wrong...
Wufei: Oh, just shut up and hold still!
*Wufei rears back to bite her when someone shoves a crucifix up his
nose. *
Relena: My HEERO! [Ick! That's just so corny! *Slaps self*]
Heero: (Ignoring the stupid pun) In the name of the LORD, I
command you lifeless devil to return to your grave!
Wufei: Yuy, you BAKA! I'm BUDDHIST! Crosses won't work on me.
Now get that thing out of my face!
Heero: Okay...(Puts the crucifix away) How about...THIS! (He
whips out a UFO catcher doll of Lina Inverse).
*Upon seeing the dreaded full thing, Wufei turns and runs screaming
back to his tomb. *
Relena: I'm starting to worry about you boys...
Heero: It's taken you this long? (He puts the doll away and
runs after Wufei.) Come on, Relena! He's gone back to his lair! (Suddenly,
Heero goes chibi and pulls out a little toy sword [Just like D's!].) We
can stake him while he's whining about being a weakling and stuff!
Relena: Oooo-kay... (Sighing, she follows after him.)
* An over-perky Hee-kun, with Relena in tow, rushes across the cemetery....
Vegeta: STOP THE FIC!
V-chan: What is it now?!
Vegeta: Just how the *bleep! * does a plushie have the power
to frighten anyone? It's just ridiculous!
V-chan: Well, Veggie-chan, it's an anime in-joke. My lovely
assistant, Zelgadiss [Slayers] shall explain.
*The chimera walks in. A chalkboard with the words 'Dragon SPOOCR'
appears beside him. *
Zelgadiss: You see, Vegeta-san, Lina happens to be "Dra-Mata"
or, in the dub, a "Dragon SPOOCR." (He whaps the board with a pointer.)
The "SPOOCR" bit is an ancyrom for the phrase "Dragons Step Past Out Of
Clear Revulsion." And since Wufei nickname is the "Lone Dragon". You get
it now?
Vegeta: Hehe...I could have guessed that.
Lina: Watch it veggie-boy, or else!
Vegeta: Or else what? You'll Dragu Slav me? *EVIL SMUG VEGETA
LAUGH! *
Lina: No. I'll lock you in a room with Naga.
Vegeta: AIIEEEEE!!! YOU WOULDN'T DARE!
Lina: Just try me.
Vegeta: (Cowers)
Xellos: Man, that should rank as cruel and unusual punishment!
Freeza: Even I wouldn't stoop to THAT!
~*~*~
*Ahem, as I was saying: Heero [still chibi!] runs into the tomb, dragging
a less than eager Relena behind. Heero attempts to push the lid off the
coffin, but falls flat on his butt. *
Heero: Dammit! I hate being stuck in chibi mode!
Relena: Just pop yourself back to normal.
Heero: But I forgot how too! I don't go chibi as often as the
other guys...
Relena: Oh, here; I'll show you. (She grabs him and frenches
Heero, who promptly goes back to normal from the shock!)
*From out of nowhere, Duo appears and throws Relena into a wall. *
Duo: Unhand him, evil stalker bitch! (He grabs Heero protectively.)
Heero's my koibito! He's mine!MINE! MINE! MINE!!!
Heero: (Half-strangled.) Duo...get the hell off of me!
Duo: But...*sniffle * Heeeeeeeeeeerooooo...
Heero: *DEATHGLARE! *
Duo: But...but...(Tears well up in his eyes.) I thought you
loved me!
Heero: (Sigh.) Listen Duo... (He hands him a set a keys and
whispers in his ear.)
Duo: (Suddenly happy.) Do you really mean it?
Heero: Yes.
Duo: (Taking a cheerleader pose.) YAAAAHHH!!! SCORE!! (He rushes
off, leaving behind a Duo-shaped cloud.)
Relena: (Rubbing the lump on her head.) What did you say to
him?
Heero: (Smiles and wiggles his finger.) Sore wa himitsu desu,
Relena-chan.
Offstage...
Xellos: AGAIN WITH THE LINE STEALING? Grrr...
{And now they're doing my pose!} INJUSTICE!
*Together, they push off the coffin's lid and stare into it. *
Heero: Hmmm... Looks like he's in torpor. (He gives her a mallet
and a stake before ducking behind a pillar.) Okay Relena, he's all yours
now!
Relena: WHAT!
Heero: (dead-pan) The one to slay the vampire must be someone
they know in life.
Relena: And just what exactly am I supposed to do with these?
Heero: Well, duh! You stake him.
Relena: I can't! I AM A TOTAL PACIFIST!
Heero: But it's in the script.
Relena: But you said none follows the script in these fics!
Heero: And none stays in character either!
Relena: I REFUSE to do this! It violates my moral principals.
Heero: What if I told you that Wufei's the one who started the
rumor that you and Dorothy are lesbian lovers?
Relena: What? YOU SON OF A BITCH! (She drives the stake into
the unseen corpse and is drenched by a fountain of blood.) My GOD! Why
is there so much blood?!
Heero: *From behind the pillar. * Well, what do you expect?
He just ate! (He looks at the body.) He's not dead yet. Hit him again.
*Reluctantly, Relena whaps the stake again and is sprayed with more
blood. *
Heero: He's still moving!
*Yet again, Relena hits the stake and is dowsed in even more blood.
*
Heero: (Glancing out from behind the pillar) One more time.
He's almost dead.
Relena: HE'S DEAD ENOUGH! (She looks into the coffin.) Oh, poor
Wufei! What have I done? (She starts getting weepy.)
Heero: Now, now, Miss Hawker. Don't cry. You've saved him from
a fate worse than death and sent his soul to a better place. (He gives
her a hankie. Relena wipes her eyes and tries to hand the blood-soaked
hankie back to him.) Eh...keep it. Now, let's go back to the manor.
SCENE: The garden of the Seward manor/asylum. Waiting patiently
by the side door sipping his tea, Zechs watches them come up the walkway.
Zechs: So, *sip* what... (Upon seeing his blood soaked sister.)
MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
Relena: Lets just say that Heero was right about the vampire
thing. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a shower. (She starts to
walk into the house, but Zechs stops her.)
Zechs: Umm...maybe you should use the back door.
Relena: Right. (She trudges off.)
Zechs: *POWER CHUG! * Yuy, just explain to me one little thing:
How in the world did Relena end up covered in blood, but you don't even
have a drop on you?
Heero: Well, I've been to many stakings before. You see it's
all a matter of standing in just the right place. Like they say, the most
important thing is location, location, location! Now, let's go inside and
plot our next move.
Zechs: And just *sip* is our next move?
Heero: (With deadpan glee) To find and then destroy the master
vampire before it can take anymore-innocent lives. [Foreshadowing! Foreshadowing!!]
* With that, he and Zechs go back to the study.
~*~*~Meanwhile, just outside the room of a certain blonde...~*~*~
Author's Note: The following scene will
be presented in paragraph format [As in a 'normal' fic]. Why? Because it's
a whole lot easier that way! Thank you for your patience.
[Cue the EXTREMELY EROTIC & ERRIE PIANO MUSIC!]
Silently, a strange mist drifts across the garden,
creeping across the ground toward the window of Quatre's room. The mist
snakes it's way through the minute gapes in the panes and starts collecting
at the foot of the bed. Slowly, the mass of mist condenses into the shape
of a man. With a wicked gleam in his eyes, Trowa crawls into the bed alongside
Quatre, gently sliding his hand under the sleeping boy's shirt. Softly,
he nuzzles and nips at his neck.
With a slight moan, Quatre wakes up. "Trowa?"
"Sshh!" Lightly pressing his finger against his
lips, Trowa smiles broadly, revealing his long, curved fangs. With a low
growl,Trowa pulls him closer and their lips lock in a forceful kiss. Impassioned,
they begin kissing each other frantically. Suddenly, he sinks his fangs
into Quatre's throat.
Gasping in pain and pleasure, he claws at Trowa's
back as he leisurely sucks his blood. His eyes begin to glaze over as the
life is drained from his body.
Abruptly, Trowa pulls away and slashes open his
wrist. "Drink." He snarls, pressing the bleeding wound to Quatre's mouth.
Eagerly and desperately, he starts to gulp the blood, much to Trowa's ...ahem...delight.
Satisfied, he pulls his arm away and pushes Quatre down against the mattress.
"You're mine now." he laughs, tugging off his shirt. With a devilish
grin he...
V-chan: What the hell is going on?!
*Ayeka [Tenchi Muyo] and Cherry [Saber Marionette J] come bargging in. *
Ayeka: We will not allow you to continue this scene!
V-chan: And why not?
Ayeka: Because it is a horrific abuse of your author powers! Not only that, but it's downright nasty...
Cherry: I must humblly and whole-heartedly agree with Ayeka-san. This is an affrontment to all civilized persons [and marionettes!] in the audience!
V-chan: So I'm pushing the PG-13 rating just a tiny bit. Is there anything wrong with that?
Ayeka and Cherry: YES THERE IS!
*Suddenly, Bloodberry, Hanagata [both fromSaber Marionette J], Xellos, and Ryoko [Tenchi Muyo] strom the stage. *
Bloodberry: HEY! Just what the hell do you two think you're doing?
Xellos: (Nose gushing blood and an even more happy look on his face.) You interupting a pivotal scene!
Cherry: You stay out of this, you preverted monster! (She slaps Xellos and glares indignatly at V-chan.) Now, we demand that you apologize for putting such...such flith in this fic at once!
Ryoko: (Whamps Cherry.) Don't you hit him! And you shouldn't talk like that to V. She is an author, afterall. *Chuckle.* Besides, I was really enjoying this...(A trickle of blood runs out her nose.)
Ayeka: (Snarling) Oh, you would, wouldn't you.
Ryoko: Wanna make something of it, you inbred little....
V-chan: Whoa there ladies! Let's not start blowing everything up now!
Ayeka and Ryoko: HMPH!
Hanagata: *Sighing wistfully* I only wish that would happen to me... {Starts fantasizeing about Otrau}
*Everyone stares at him with huge sweatdrops. Bloodberry promptly decks him* [It's an inside joke, ppl.]
Cherry: You all are just sick! SICK! SICK!
V-chan: Geez...I get no respect around here! Absolutely no respect! (Receives *DEATHGLARES* from everyone) Okay, okay... I'm just going to skip the rest of this scene. Now, will that make everyone happy?
.All (except Hanagata): Yeah...sure.
V-chan: Good! (She snaps her fingers and the screen goes back to normal)
...And so, we end this installment of the fic. Tune in...
Duo: Wait, aren't you gonna tell them what happens to me?
Not in this fic.
Duo: Why the hell not?!
Because I need some time to figure out a decent ending!
Duo: Why not just steal one from somebody else? *under his breathe*
You've already stole most of the plot and some of the puns...
I HEARD THAT, MAXWELL! (subjects him to several jolts of electricity).
Now, begone with you! You've got some important buisness
to attend to, remember?
Duo: (Recover from the pain) Oh, he can wait a few more minutes...
Offstage Voice: MAXWELL!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET YOU SORRY LITTLE ASS
IN HERE, NOW!
Duo: Okay! Okay! {He can be soo demanding sometimes...} (Runs
off, leaving V to finish the outro.)
Like I was saying...See you all next time, when I'll actually have
this fic finished! Ja-na!!!