"The Produce Aisle,"
by Capt. Janeway
SUMMARY: The incredible adventures of Scully and Doggett in the supermarket!
RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: Okay, folks, here's a list of stuff that doesn't belong to me:
1. X-Files (well, duh!!)
2. Any of the characters from X-Files (again, duh!)
3. Wonder Bread
4. Jaguar cars
5. McDonald's
6. Faith Hill's "The Way You Love Me"
If there's anything else mentioned in here that belongs to other people, then it
doesn't belong to me. So, please, don't sue me. I'm just an incredibly bored female Starfleet captain
stuck in the middle of the Delta Quadrant with a tattooed bonehead for a first officer, and I am
therefore not responsible for my random acts of insanity. (A little bit of Star Trek: Voyager thrown in
there, folks. Sorry!)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanx to the "Crystalline Entity" (a.k.a. my Daddy) for giving me the
idea of putting 'em all in the supermarket and mentioning that somebody should try buying a gum ball . .
. Idunno what I'd do without him here to bail me out!!
FEEDBACK: Yes, of course!! Please!! That's my purpose for being alive: if I don't get
feedback, I'll cease to exist!! (Just jokin' . . . kinda) Also, please go easy on the flames . . . I'm a very
sensitive girl. *sniffle!* Thanx!! ;)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside Assistant Director SKINNER's office. We see him sitting at his desk, staring
blankly at his computer monitor. SKINNER is physically there, but it is apparent that he's not there
mentally. Suddenly, he starts sneezing and coughing violently as SCULLY and DOGGETT enter:)
SKINNER (sounding very plugged-up): Oh! Agents . . . come in.
(SCULLY enters and sits down in a chair. DOGGETT shuts the door and then takes his seat
next to SCULLY.)
SCULLY: You called, sir?
SKINNER: Yes, Agents, I've got a very important mission for you, if you think you can handle it.
DOGGETT (impatiently): What is it, sir?
SKINNER: I need you to go get some things from the supermarket for me . . . I've got a really awful
cold, so I can't go . . .
SCULLY: Sir, I'm sure that we can help you out.
DOGGETT: You got a list?
SKINNER: Uh, yeah. (he gets the little piece of paper out of his desk drawer) Here you go . . . I, uh,
really appreciate this, Agents . . .
SCULLY: Can we get a raise for this?
SKINNER (glaring at her): We'll see . . .
DOGGETT: Is that all, sir?
SKINNER: Yeah. That's all, Agents. Thanks.
SCULLY (cheerily): Any time, sir!
(SCULLY and DOGGETT exit; we can hear SCULLY just before she leaves:)
SCULLY (angrily muttering under her breath): Cheapskate!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the parking lot for "Unpack & Spend" supermarket. We see DOGGETT who is
driving and SCULLY in the passenger seat pull up in their car. The camera focuses on them as
they try to look for a parking space:)
SCULLY (looking at SKINNER's grocery list): What the heck is all this stuff Skinner buys?! "Rice
protein patties"? "Yamashuri's All-Natural & Super-Duper-Organic Tofu Bread"?
DOGGETT (focusing his attention on the search for a place to park): Ooooooh!! There's one--Aww,
man! It's taken by a stupid motorcycle!!
SCULLY (continuing): Why can't he just ask for a plain old hamburger patty from the deli and a loaf of
Wonder Bread?!
DOGGETT: Yes!!! I FINALLY found one--Oh, no. Never mind. A shopping cart's in the middle of
that one.
SCULLY: Well, why don't you get out and move the cart, then?
DOGGETT: I can't get out!! I'm driving! You move the cart.
SCULLY: No way!! I'm not getting out!!
DOGGETT: Why not?
SCULLY: Hmmmm . . . I don't know . . . I just don't feel like it.
DOGGETT (rolling his eyes): You women and your measly FEELINGS!!
SCULLY: Get out and move the cart, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: No! You move the cart.
SCULLY: No, YOU move the cart!!
DOGGETT: You move the cart!!
SCULLY: You move the cart!!
DOGGETT: You move the cart!!
SCULLY: You move the cart!!
DOGGETT: I'm not moving the cart unless you're moving the cart!!
SCULLY: Ditto!!
DOGGETT: Oh, yeah?!
SCULLY: Yeah!!
DOGGETT: Fine!! You go move the cart!!
SCULLY: I don't think so!!
DOGGETT: Why not?!
SCULLY (pulling out her gun and pointing it menacingly in DOGGETT's direction): Get out of the car
and move the cart, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT (staring nervously at the gun): Ooookay, then! I'm outta here!!
(DOGGETT gets out of the car and shoves the cart out of the parking space. He walks back
to the car and pulls the car in. The two agents get out.)
SCULLY (sweetly as she gets out of the car and locks it): Thank you, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT (glaring at SCULLY): Any time, Agent Scully.
(The camera follows DOGGETT and SCULLY as they make their way through the parking
lot, toward the supermarket. They keep walking until they see a PUNK KID complete with spiked
green hair, two lip rings, an eyebrow ring, and jeans that look like they were made for someone about
ten times his size breaking into a very expensive-looking new Jaguar.)
SCULLY: Excuse me sir, but what are you doing to that car?
PUNK KID (as he holds a crowbar in midair over a window to smash it): Ummm . . . Idunno. What
does it look like I'm doing?
DOGGETT: It looks like you're breaking into a brand new Jaguar.
PUNK KID (trying to quickly come up with a decent excuse): Ummm . . . No? I, uh, actually, um, just
locked my keys in the car. I'm trying to get them. Yeah, that's it!!
SCULLY: Oh, no, that's not possible, sir.
PUNK KID (panicking): What?! Why?!
SCULLY: Why, don't you know that, in addition to beautiful leather seats and a deluxe stereo sound
system, all Jaguars are equipped with an outstanding security system, which prevents you from locking
your keys in the car?
DOGGETT: And were you also aware of the fact that it won Auto-Freaks' Golden Wheel of Prestige
Award for the past three years in a row?
PUNK KID (starting to get a little annoyed with this whole ordeal): Really.
SCULLY: Yes! Luxury, quality, and safety all rolled into one stunning package.
DOGGETT (stepping toward the camera): Jaguar: The Art of Performance!
PUNK KID: Well, that's nice, but I think I'll get back to stealing--I mean, trying to get into my car.
SCULLY: Well, all right, then, I hope you have a good day, sir.
PUNK KID (confused): Uh, yeah . . . thanks.
DOGGETT: Yeah, take care of yourself!
(DOGGETT and SCULLY start to walk toward the supermarket again as the PUNK KID
smashes a window on the Jaguar with his crowbar.)
SCULLY: Well, he was nice.
DOGGETT: Yeah. It's too bad more kids aren't more like him. The world would definitely be a better
place.
(DOGGETT and SCULLY keep walking until they finally reach the entrance of Unpack &
Spend. A trio of Girl Scouts immediately swarm around them:)
GIRL SCOUT #1: Hi, there!
GIRL SCOUT #2: Would you like to buy some cookies to help support our troop?
GIRLS SCOUT #3: It's number 456,988,24*3*.
GIRL SCOUT #2: We've got peanut butter, chocolate mint, those things with fruit in the center, the
icky fat-free stuff . . .
SCULLY (trying not to offend them): Uh, well, um . . . I think we'll have to pass today . . .
DOGGETT: We already bought some from troop number 456,988,24*2*.
GIRL SCOUT #3: Ugh!! How can you DO that?! The girls in that troop are so ugly and mean!!
GIRL SCOUT #1 (menacingly): C'mon! You wanna buy some . . . I just KNOW you do, 'cause
you're nice people, right?
GIRL SCOUT #2: How could you say "no" to us?
GIRL SCOUT #3 (begging): We really need the money . . .
GIRL SCOUT #1: What do you say?
DOGGETT: I say you need to rethink your selling technique. C'mon, Agent Scully, let's go get
Skinner's cra--uh, food.
GIRL SCOUT #2: Oh, no you don't!!
GIRL SCOUT #1: You're not going inside there unless you buy some cookies!!
GIRLS SCOUT #2: Let's get 'em!!
(Suddenly, GIRL SCOUT #1 and GIRL SCOUT #2 tackle SCULLY and start punching her,
while GIRL SCOUT #3 picks up a baseball bat from behind the table and brandishes it in front of
DOGGETT.)
SCULLY (screaming at the top of her lungs): HELP!! AH!! EEEEEEK!! NO!!! NOT THERE!!
I'M PREG--(suddenly remembering that DOGGETT is there:) I'M TENDER THERE!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!
DOGGETT (rescuing SCULLY and pulling out his gun): BACK!! BACK YOU EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
SCUM!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!
GIRL SCOUT #1: Aaaaaaah!!
GIRL SCOUT #3: Look out!
GIRL SCOUT #2: He's got a gun!!
(The three girl scouts run back to their table and hide underneath it, peering out from time to
time to look at SCULLY and DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: You okay?
SCULLY: Yeah . . .
(SCULLY and DOGGETT walk through the automatic doors and into Unpack & Spend.
DOGGETT immediately spots a gum ball machine:)
SCULLY (taking notice of DOGGETT's eyeballing the gum ball machine): Agent Doggett, what are
you doing?
DOGGETT: Just getting something from the gum ball machine, Agent Scully.
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Tell you what, Agent Doggett: How about we meet in the health food aisle,
since that's where most of Skinner's stuff probably is.
DOGGETT: Okay! See you in a few minutes, then.
(SCULLY grabs a shopping cart and walks off. DOGGETT, meanwhile, puts a quarter in the
gum ball machine. He twists the little knob, but nothing happens. He tries to twist the knob even more,
but it won't budge.)
DOGGETT: They just don't make 'em like they used to, I guess . . .
(DOGGETT steps back and stares at the gum ball machine for a little while, before getting an
idea. He steps back up to the gum ball machine and gives it a good kick. Still, nothing happens.
DOGGETT kicks it again, and again, and again, each time with the same results . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Near the bakery section. SCULLY looks as though she's ready to drool all over the
cakes and cookies she's looking at. Unnoticed by SCULLY, the Lone Gunmen walk by. They notice
her, but she still doesn't notice them, as she's too busy staring wistfully at a huge double-decker
chocolate cake in the display case.)
LANGLY (to FROHIKE): Is that Scully?!
FROHIKE: Looks like her to me!
BYERS: She's staring at a . . . cake?
FROHIKE: Well, you know how that goes . . . The writers had her get pregnant, remember?
LANGLY: Yeah, maybe she's got cravings or something.
(Suddenly, a BAKER steps out with one of those little cookie tins toward SCULLY, while the
Lone Gunmen watch the events unfold:)
BAKER: Hello, ma'am. Would you like to try a cookie? They're fresh from the oven.
SCULLY (her eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Really? What kind of cookies are they?
BAKER (chuckling in a good-natured fashion): Well, there are a whole bunch of them!! There's
chocolate chip, peanut butter, peanut butter with chocolate chips, chocolate with peanut butter chips . .
.
SCULLY (staring at the cookies in a near-trance): Mmmmmmmmm . . .
BAKER: . . . Regular plain old cookie dough with the chocolate atoms and the peanut butter atoms in a
double-covalent bond fused together with uranium to create a nice glow . . .
SCULLY: Mmmmmmm . . . chocolate!!! Must . . . have . . . chocolate!!
BAKER: Well, all right, then. Here's your chocolate chip cookie.
(BAKER gives SCULLY a chocolate chip cookie, which SCULLY gobbles greedily.)
SCULLY (wiping the crumbs from her mouth): MORE!!! MUST HAVE MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!!
BAKER: I'm, uh, sorry, but I can only give away one cookie per person, ma'am.
SCULLY (screaming frantically): MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
BAKER: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can only give one cookie to each person. You'll have to buy some if
you want more.
(SCULLY turns around and, seeing BYERS, grabs him by the neck and drags him to the
BAKER. Immediately, LANGLY and FROHIKE rush to their comrade's side:)
LANGLY: Hey, what're you doing?!
FROHIKE: We need to have him around so we can get on his nerves!!
SCULLY (giving a slightly insane laugh): Hee-heee!!!! These three guys want . . . CHOCOLATE!!!
*I* uh, I mean *THEY* MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! GIVE THEM CHOCOLATE!!!!
NOW!!!!!
FROHIKE: Actually, I'm deathly allergic to chocolate . . .
SCULLY: YOU WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!! YOU MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!! YOU ALL
MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!
LANGLY: Yo, Frohike! Let's get out of here, man, before she insists we gotta have fruitcake, too!
FROHIKE: Good idea, Langly.
SCULLY (screaming insanely with horror): NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE!!! YOU
MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!! I MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! WE ALL MUST HAVE
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
BYERS (whose neck is being squeezed more and more by SCULLY's hands): Uhhhh . . . guys? I
think we'd better do as she says . . .
SCULLY: CHOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOLAAAAATTE!!!!!!!!!!
BAKER (not sure as to what she should do): Ummmm . . . here you go. (she hands cookies to each of
the Lone Gunmen; then decides for good measure:) Here! Take two or three! However many you
like!!
SCULLY: Heee-heee!!! Chocolate!!
BAKER: Ummm . . . now . . . You four have a, uh, good day, okay? 'Bye!
(BAKER runs back into the bakery to hide, while SCULLY snatches the cookies away from
the Lone Gunmen, releasing BYERS from her death-grip in the process. She gobbles them down in a
frenzy, as the Lone Gunmen try to slowly back away from the craving-raged FBI agent.)
BYERS (whispering): Okay, if we're just really quiet, then maybe she won't bother us anymore.
FROHIKE (shivering): Definitely cravings.
LANGLY: Why didn't the writers warn us about this?
BYERS: Nobody could've predicted something like this . . .
LANGLY: Wait a minute . . . isn't Capt. Janeway the author of this fic?
FROHIKE: Yeah.
LANGLY: That explains it, then.
(The Lone Gunmen finally manage to sneak their way out of the bakery section, and they now
run away as SCULLY wipes the crumbs from her face.)
SCULLY: Mmmm . . . chocolate was good, but . . . APPLE JUICE!!!! MUST HAVE APPLE
JUICE!!!!! AAAAAAAARGH!!!! APPLE JUICE!!!! WHERE IS THE APPLE JUICE?!
ANONYMOUS FEMALE SHOPPER STANDING BEHIND SCULLY: Aisle 8!!
SCULLY (politely): Thank you!
(SCULLY runs off toward Aisle 8, still screaming:)
SCULLY: APPLE JUICE!!!!! MUST HAVE APPLE JUICE!!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In Aisle 7 the foreign foods aisle. We see MULDER looking at a shelf of packages
of tortillas, trying to figure out which brand he should buy. Suddenly, the Lone Gunmen come running
down the aisle and bump into MULDER. All four guys collapse in a dog pile.)
MULDER: What the heck?! Byers? Langly? Frohike? What're you all doing here?
BYERS: Well, uh . . .
LANGLY: We, uh . . .
FROHIKE: You see, uh . . .
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: MULDER!! YOU'RE BACK!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Yeah, surprise, surprise. Capt. Janeway dredged me up for another fanfic . .
. Will that woman ever leave me alone?! I mean, I do need breaks once in a while . . .
BYERS: Mulder, Scully's gone insane.
LANGLY: She's got cravings!
FROHIKE: Really big cravings!!
MULDER: What? Cravings? Why?
BYERS: Don't you remember?! The writers had her get pregnant!!
MULDER: Oh! Yeah!! That's right!! What has she been craving?
LANGLY: Well, first it was chocolate chip cookies . . .
FROHIKE: . . . And now it's apple juice.
MULDER: Apple juice?
BYERS: Apple juice.
MULDER: Well, what're we going to do?
FROHIKE: We were hoping you'd have the answer to that question.
MULDER (rolling his eyes): Why do I always have to be the one coming up with plans of action?!
WHY?! Why can't somebody ELSE be intelligent once in a while . . . Give me a break!!
BYERS: But, Mulder, you've got to do something!
MULDER: YOU do something!
LANGLY: We already tried doing something!
BYERS: Yeah, and I almost got strangled by Scully in the process!
MULDER (sighing): Oh, all right. Where is she?
BYERS: Aisle 8.
MULDER: All right, you three better come with me just in case I need backup. Got it?
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Got it!
(MULDER and the Lone Gunmen cautiously walk over to Aisle 8. We see that SCULLY is
ripping open huge bottles of apple juice:)
SCULLY: Mmmmm!!! APPLE JUICE!! YUMMY!!! AAAAH!! MUST HAVE MORE APPLE
JUICE!!! (she rips open another bottle of APPLE JUICE:) MUST HAVE MORE APPLE JUICE!!!
MULDER (shocked): What the heck?! Why didn't you guys tell me it was this bad?!
FROHIKE: Well, we tried, but you kept being rude to us!!
LANGLY (angrily): Yeah!
SCULLY: FE-FI-FO-FUM!! APPLE JUICE SURE DOES TASTE . . . (trying to come up with
something that rhymes with "fun":) YUM!!
MULDER: Okay, I'll handle this, guys.
BYERS: We knew you could assume your old role, Mulder!!!
LANGLY: Yeah!! Go, Mulder!!
(The Lone Gunmen continue to cheer-on MULDER as he walks up to SCULLY as she slurps
down some more apple juice:)
MULDER: Hey, Scully, what're you doing?
SCULLY: APPLE JUICE!!!! APPLE JUICE!!!!! APPLE JUI--MULDER?!
MULDER: Yeah, Scully?
SCULLY: Mulder?
MULDER: Scully?
SCULLY: Mulder!
MULDER: Scully!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
FROHIKE: Hey, Mulder, Scully!
LANGLY: You okay?
MULDER (continuing): Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back at the gum ball machine near the entrance to Unpack & Spend. DOGGETT is
still kicking the thing:)
DOGGETT: Awww, this stinks!! Give me the stupid gum ball, already!!
(He kicks the gum ball machine some more . . .)
DOGGETT: C'mon!!! C'mon!!! C'mon, you stupid thing!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back in Aisle 8:)
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: SHUT-UP, ALREADY!!!!!
MULDER (abruptly snapping out of it): Huh?! Wha--?!
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes): Wha What happened?
BYERS: Well, it's a bit of a lengthy story . . .
FROHIKE: Scully just went insane, and Mulder was trying to get her out of it.
SCULLY: Oh.
MULDER (giving a nonchalant shrug): Business as usual.
FROHIKE: Yup.
SCULLY (suddenly remembering something): Oh, my gosh-golly!!
MULDER: What is it, Scully?!
SCULLY: I forgot!!
MULDER: You forgot what?
SCULLY: I was supposed to meet Agent Doggett in the health food aisle!! I got sidetracked!!
MULDER (rolling his eyes): Oh, you mean that jerk Capt. Janeway's so protective of?
LANGLY: Shhhhhh!! (in a frightened whisper:) Don't you know what she does to people who insult
him?!
FROHIKE: I heard that she casts them into the Lake of Killed-off Characters!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Yeah, right, like there's really such a thing as a Lake of Killed-off Characters!
SCULLY (in a New York accent similar to DOGGETT's): Cut it out, Mulder!! Quit insultin' Capt.
Janeway!
(MULDER and the Lone Gunmen look at SCULLY quizzically.)
SCULLY (a little embarrassed): Sorry . . . been hanging around the new guy too much . . .
MULDER (skeptically): Uh-huh . . . Anyway, let's go find that jerk--
BYERS, LANGLY, FROHIKE, & SCULLY: MULDER!!!!!
MULDER: --uh, (with the words dripping with hatred:) model citizen.
SCULLY: Right! Let's go!
LANGLY: He could be anywhere!
FROHIKE: Maybe we should split-up.
SCULLY: Good idea, Frohike. Mulder, I'll have you in my group . . . we can look in the produce
aisle.
FROHIKE: We can go to the bread aisle . . .
BYERS: I thought he was supposed to meet Scully in the health food aisle?
SCULLY: Does anybody here care?
(Nobody objects.)
MULDER: Okay, everyone, let's go!!
(They all go their separate ways . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back at the gum ball machine. DOGGETT's still there:)
DOGGETT (getting very frustrated with the gum ball machine): COME ON, YOU STUPID THING!!
GIVE ME THE DARN GUM BALL!!! I PUT IN A QUARTER, OKAY?!?!?! (he gives the gum
ball machine yet another nice kick:) ARGH!!! DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! I GAVE YOU THE
QUARTER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the Produce Aisle with MULDER and SCULLY. SCULLY is looking around
presumably for DOGGETT, while MULDER inspects a kiwi fruit:)
MULDER (angrily): Stupid New Zealanders!! They have no idea how to grow proper kiwi!!
(Disgusted, MULDER throws the kiwi fruit back onto the stand.)
SCULLY: What're you talking about, Mulder?
MULDER: Kiwi!! Haven't you ever had kiwi fruit before?
SCULLY: No . . .
MULDER: It's really good . . . if it's grown right.
SCULLY (resuming her search for DOGGETT): Mmmmm.
MULDER: Scully?
SCULLY (annoyed): What now, Mulder?
MULDER: Ummm . . . y'know, I've been gone for a very long time . . .
SCULLY (her attention focused elsewhere): Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: . . . And it's not easy being stuck on a stupid UFO and all . . .
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: . . . So, I kinda think it'd be nice if I got a hug or something . . .
SCULLY (her attention still focused elsewhere): Uh-huh . . .
MULDER (testing her): . . . And I think that my actor is considering leaving the show again . . .
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER (taking advantage of the situation): Hey, Scully?
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: Can I have a few thousand dollars? I'm kinda late in paying my rent, so I could really use
the extra cash.
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: Hey, thanks. You're the best!! (pretending to be suddenly remembering:) Oh! And
Scully?
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER (grinning deviously): Can we go out to some really nice expensive restaurant after this?
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: Your treat? Like I said, my rent's putting a nice dent in my budget . . .
SCULLY: Uh (catching herself) Wait a minute!! If we're going to an expensive restaurant, then it's
going to be YOUR treat!!
MULDER (caught off-guard): What?! Why?
SCULLY: 'Cause you're the guy, and guys always have to pay.
MULDER (in a whiny voice): Always?
SCULLY: Always. (clearing her throat:) So. Where are we going?
MULDER: What?!
SCULLY: You invited me!! I'm going.
MULDER: Going where?
SCULLY: That's what I'm asking you.
MULDER: Yeah, but I don't know where.
SCULLY: But, that's what I'm asking you!!
MULDER: I know that Scully! I'm not deaf!!
SCULLY: So, where are we going?
MULDER: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever.
SCULLY: Well, we have to decide on SOMETHING, Mulder.
MULDER (hopefully): And what if we can't decide on something?
SCULLY: Then I get to pick out the most expensive, elite restaurant in Washington, D.C.
MULDER (as the blood drains from his face): Ummm . . . okay. Well, uh, where would you like to
go?
SCULLY: Well, I was kind of thinking about this one place . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Yep, you guessed it: back with DOGGETT, who is now physically exhausted from
kicking the gum ball machine so much. He is panting heavily and wiping the sweat off his brow, but he's
still weakly kicking the gum ball machine with what little strength he has left:)
DOGGETT (in a very frail voice): Why, you stupid . . . (pant!!) no good . . . (pant!! pant!!) gum ball
machine . . . why, I oughta . . . (pant!!) just reach in there and take the . . . (pant!!) darn quarter right
out of that little coin box of yours . . . (pant!! pant!!) Mmmmmmmmmm . . .
(DOGGETT collapses on the floor, too tired to stand up anymore. A LITTLE KID passes by
and, wondering whether poor DOGGETT is dead, picks up a stick from the floor and pokes
DOGGETT with it a little:)
DOGGETT (exhausted): Stop . . . stop that, please . . . I'm so very tired . . . stop . . .
******************************************************************************
by Capt. Janeway
SUMMARY: The incredible adventures of Scully and Doggett in the supermarket!
RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: Okay, folks, here's a list of stuff that doesn't belong to me:
1. X-Files (well, duh!!)
2. Any of the characters from X-Files (again, duh!)
3. Wonder Bread
4. Jaguar cars
5. McDonald's
6. Faith Hill's "The Way You Love Me"
If there's anything else mentioned in here that belongs to other people, then it
doesn't belong to me. So, please, don't sue me. I'm just an incredibly bored female Starfleet captain
stuck in the middle of the Delta Quadrant with a tattooed bonehead for a first officer, and I am
therefore not responsible for my random acts of insanity. (A little bit of Star Trek: Voyager thrown in
there, folks. Sorry!)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanx to the "Crystalline Entity" (a.k.a. my Daddy) for giving me the
idea of putting 'em all in the supermarket and mentioning that somebody should try buying a gum ball . .
. Idunno what I'd do without him here to bail me out!!
FEEDBACK: Yes, of course!! Please!! That's my purpose for being alive: if I don't get
feedback, I'll cease to exist!! (Just jokin' . . . kinda) Also, please go easy on the flames . . . I'm a very
sensitive girl. *sniffle!* Thanx!! ;)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Inside Assistant Director SKINNER's office. We see him sitting at his desk, staring
blankly at his computer monitor. SKINNER is physically there, but it is apparent that he's not there
mentally. Suddenly, he starts sneezing and coughing violently as SCULLY and DOGGETT enter:)
SKINNER (sounding very plugged-up): Oh! Agents . . . come in.
(SCULLY enters and sits down in a chair. DOGGETT shuts the door and then takes his seat
next to SCULLY.)
SCULLY: You called, sir?
SKINNER: Yes, Agents, I've got a very important mission for you, if you think you can handle it.
DOGGETT (impatiently): What is it, sir?
SKINNER: I need you to go get some things from the supermarket for me . . . I've got a really awful
cold, so I can't go . . .
SCULLY: Sir, I'm sure that we can help you out.
DOGGETT: You got a list?
SKINNER: Uh, yeah. (he gets the little piece of paper out of his desk drawer) Here you go . . . I, uh,
really appreciate this, Agents . . .
SCULLY: Can we get a raise for this?
SKINNER (glaring at her): We'll see . . .
DOGGETT: Is that all, sir?
SKINNER: Yeah. That's all, Agents. Thanks.
SCULLY (cheerily): Any time, sir!
(SCULLY and DOGGETT exit; we can hear SCULLY just before she leaves:)
SCULLY (angrily muttering under her breath): Cheapskate!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the parking lot for "Unpack & Spend" supermarket. We see DOGGETT who is
driving and SCULLY in the passenger seat pull up in their car. The camera focuses on them as
they try to look for a parking space:)
SCULLY (looking at SKINNER's grocery list): What the heck is all this stuff Skinner buys?! "Rice
protein patties"? "Yamashuri's All-Natural & Super-Duper-Organic Tofu Bread"?
DOGGETT (focusing his attention on the search for a place to park): Ooooooh!! There's one--Aww,
man! It's taken by a stupid motorcycle!!
SCULLY (continuing): Why can't he just ask for a plain old hamburger patty from the deli and a loaf of
Wonder Bread?!
DOGGETT: Yes!!! I FINALLY found one--Oh, no. Never mind. A shopping cart's in the middle of
that one.
SCULLY: Well, why don't you get out and move the cart, then?
DOGGETT: I can't get out!! I'm driving! You move the cart.
SCULLY: No way!! I'm not getting out!!
DOGGETT: Why not?
SCULLY: Hmmmm . . . I don't know . . . I just don't feel like it.
DOGGETT (rolling his eyes): You women and your measly FEELINGS!!
SCULLY: Get out and move the cart, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: No! You move the cart.
SCULLY: No, YOU move the cart!!
DOGGETT: You move the cart!!
SCULLY: You move the cart!!
DOGGETT: You move the cart!!
SCULLY: You move the cart!!
DOGGETT: I'm not moving the cart unless you're moving the cart!!
SCULLY: Ditto!!
DOGGETT: Oh, yeah?!
SCULLY: Yeah!!
DOGGETT: Fine!! You go move the cart!!
SCULLY: I don't think so!!
DOGGETT: Why not?!
SCULLY (pulling out her gun and pointing it menacingly in DOGGETT's direction): Get out of the car
and move the cart, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT (staring nervously at the gun): Ooookay, then! I'm outta here!!
(DOGGETT gets out of the car and shoves the cart out of the parking space. He walks back
to the car and pulls the car in. The two agents get out.)
SCULLY (sweetly as she gets out of the car and locks it): Thank you, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT (glaring at SCULLY): Any time, Agent Scully.
(The camera follows DOGGETT and SCULLY as they make their way through the parking
lot, toward the supermarket. They keep walking until they see a PUNK KID complete with spiked
green hair, two lip rings, an eyebrow ring, and jeans that look like they were made for someone about
ten times his size breaking into a very expensive-looking new Jaguar.)
SCULLY: Excuse me sir, but what are you doing to that car?
PUNK KID (as he holds a crowbar in midair over a window to smash it): Ummm . . . Idunno. What
does it look like I'm doing?
DOGGETT: It looks like you're breaking into a brand new Jaguar.
PUNK KID (trying to quickly come up with a decent excuse): Ummm . . . No? I, uh, actually, um, just
locked my keys in the car. I'm trying to get them. Yeah, that's it!!
SCULLY: Oh, no, that's not possible, sir.
PUNK KID (panicking): What?! Why?!
SCULLY: Why, don't you know that, in addition to beautiful leather seats and a deluxe stereo sound
system, all Jaguars are equipped with an outstanding security system, which prevents you from locking
your keys in the car?
DOGGETT: And were you also aware of the fact that it won Auto-Freaks' Golden Wheel of Prestige
Award for the past three years in a row?
PUNK KID (starting to get a little annoyed with this whole ordeal): Really.
SCULLY: Yes! Luxury, quality, and safety all rolled into one stunning package.
DOGGETT (stepping toward the camera): Jaguar: The Art of Performance!
PUNK KID: Well, that's nice, but I think I'll get back to stealing--I mean, trying to get into my car.
SCULLY: Well, all right, then, I hope you have a good day, sir.
PUNK KID (confused): Uh, yeah . . . thanks.
DOGGETT: Yeah, take care of yourself!
(DOGGETT and SCULLY start to walk toward the supermarket again as the PUNK KID
smashes a window on the Jaguar with his crowbar.)
SCULLY: Well, he was nice.
DOGGETT: Yeah. It's too bad more kids aren't more like him. The world would definitely be a better
place.
(DOGGETT and SCULLY keep walking until they finally reach the entrance of Unpack &
Spend. A trio of Girl Scouts immediately swarm around them:)
GIRL SCOUT #1: Hi, there!
GIRL SCOUT #2: Would you like to buy some cookies to help support our troop?
GIRLS SCOUT #3: It's number 456,988,24*3*.
GIRL SCOUT #2: We've got peanut butter, chocolate mint, those things with fruit in the center, the
icky fat-free stuff . . .
SCULLY (trying not to offend them): Uh, well, um . . . I think we'll have to pass today . . .
DOGGETT: We already bought some from troop number 456,988,24*2*.
GIRL SCOUT #3: Ugh!! How can you DO that?! The girls in that troop are so ugly and mean!!
GIRL SCOUT #1 (menacingly): C'mon! You wanna buy some . . . I just KNOW you do, 'cause
you're nice people, right?
GIRL SCOUT #2: How could you say "no" to us?
GIRL SCOUT #3 (begging): We really need the money . . .
GIRL SCOUT #1: What do you say?
DOGGETT: I say you need to rethink your selling technique. C'mon, Agent Scully, let's go get
Skinner's cra--uh, food.
GIRL SCOUT #2: Oh, no you don't!!
GIRL SCOUT #1: You're not going inside there unless you buy some cookies!!
GIRLS SCOUT #2: Let's get 'em!!
(Suddenly, GIRL SCOUT #1 and GIRL SCOUT #2 tackle SCULLY and start punching her,
while GIRL SCOUT #3 picks up a baseball bat from behind the table and brandishes it in front of
DOGGETT.)
SCULLY (screaming at the top of her lungs): HELP!! AH!! EEEEEEK!! NO!!! NOT THERE!!
I'M PREG--(suddenly remembering that DOGGETT is there:) I'M TENDER THERE!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!
DOGGETT (rescuing SCULLY and pulling out his gun): BACK!! BACK YOU EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
SCUM!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!
GIRL SCOUT #1: Aaaaaaah!!
GIRL SCOUT #3: Look out!
GIRL SCOUT #2: He's got a gun!!
(The three girl scouts run back to their table and hide underneath it, peering out from time to
time to look at SCULLY and DOGGETT.)
DOGGETT: You okay?
SCULLY: Yeah . . .
(SCULLY and DOGGETT walk through the automatic doors and into Unpack & Spend.
DOGGETT immediately spots a gum ball machine:)
SCULLY (taking notice of DOGGETT's eyeballing the gum ball machine): Agent Doggett, what are
you doing?
DOGGETT: Just getting something from the gum ball machine, Agent Scully.
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Tell you what, Agent Doggett: How about we meet in the health food aisle,
since that's where most of Skinner's stuff probably is.
DOGGETT: Okay! See you in a few minutes, then.
(SCULLY grabs a shopping cart and walks off. DOGGETT, meanwhile, puts a quarter in the
gum ball machine. He twists the little knob, but nothing happens. He tries to twist the knob even more,
but it won't budge.)
DOGGETT: They just don't make 'em like they used to, I guess . . .
(DOGGETT steps back and stares at the gum ball machine for a little while, before getting an
idea. He steps back up to the gum ball machine and gives it a good kick. Still, nothing happens.
DOGGETT kicks it again, and again, and again, each time with the same results . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Near the bakery section. SCULLY looks as though she's ready to drool all over the
cakes and cookies she's looking at. Unnoticed by SCULLY, the Lone Gunmen walk by. They notice
her, but she still doesn't notice them, as she's too busy staring wistfully at a huge double-decker
chocolate cake in the display case.)
LANGLY (to FROHIKE): Is that Scully?!
FROHIKE: Looks like her to me!
BYERS: She's staring at a . . . cake?
FROHIKE: Well, you know how that goes . . . The writers had her get pregnant, remember?
LANGLY: Yeah, maybe she's got cravings or something.
(Suddenly, a BAKER steps out with one of those little cookie tins toward SCULLY, while the
Lone Gunmen watch the events unfold:)
BAKER: Hello, ma'am. Would you like to try a cookie? They're fresh from the oven.
SCULLY (her eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Really? What kind of cookies are they?
BAKER (chuckling in a good-natured fashion): Well, there are a whole bunch of them!! There's
chocolate chip, peanut butter, peanut butter with chocolate chips, chocolate with peanut butter chips . .
.
SCULLY (staring at the cookies in a near-trance): Mmmmmmmmm . . .
BAKER: . . . Regular plain old cookie dough with the chocolate atoms and the peanut butter atoms in a
double-covalent bond fused together with uranium to create a nice glow . . .
SCULLY: Mmmmmmm . . . chocolate!!! Must . . . have . . . chocolate!!
BAKER: Well, all right, then. Here's your chocolate chip cookie.
(BAKER gives SCULLY a chocolate chip cookie, which SCULLY gobbles greedily.)
SCULLY (wiping the crumbs from her mouth): MORE!!! MUST HAVE MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!!
BAKER: I'm, uh, sorry, but I can only give away one cookie per person, ma'am.
SCULLY (screaming frantically): MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
BAKER: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can only give one cookie to each person. You'll have to buy some if
you want more.
(SCULLY turns around and, seeing BYERS, grabs him by the neck and drags him to the
BAKER. Immediately, LANGLY and FROHIKE rush to their comrade's side:)
LANGLY: Hey, what're you doing?!
FROHIKE: We need to have him around so we can get on his nerves!!
SCULLY (giving a slightly insane laugh): Hee-heee!!!! These three guys want . . . CHOCOLATE!!!
*I* uh, I mean *THEY* MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! GIVE THEM CHOCOLATE!!!!
NOW!!!!!
FROHIKE: Actually, I'm deathly allergic to chocolate . . .
SCULLY: YOU WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!! YOU MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!! YOU ALL
MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!
LANGLY: Yo, Frohike! Let's get out of here, man, before she insists we gotta have fruitcake, too!
FROHIKE: Good idea, Langly.
SCULLY (screaming insanely with horror): NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE!!! YOU
MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!! I MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!!!!! WE ALL MUST HAVE
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
BYERS (whose neck is being squeezed more and more by SCULLY's hands): Uhhhh . . . guys? I
think we'd better do as she says . . .
SCULLY: CHOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOLAAAAATTE!!!!!!!!!!
BAKER (not sure as to what she should do): Ummmm . . . here you go. (she hands cookies to each of
the Lone Gunmen; then decides for good measure:) Here! Take two or three! However many you
like!!
SCULLY: Heee-heee!!! Chocolate!!
BAKER: Ummm . . . now . . . You four have a, uh, good day, okay? 'Bye!
(BAKER runs back into the bakery to hide, while SCULLY snatches the cookies away from
the Lone Gunmen, releasing BYERS from her death-grip in the process. She gobbles them down in a
frenzy, as the Lone Gunmen try to slowly back away from the craving-raged FBI agent.)
BYERS (whispering): Okay, if we're just really quiet, then maybe she won't bother us anymore.
FROHIKE (shivering): Definitely cravings.
LANGLY: Why didn't the writers warn us about this?
BYERS: Nobody could've predicted something like this . . .
LANGLY: Wait a minute . . . isn't Capt. Janeway the author of this fic?
FROHIKE: Yeah.
LANGLY: That explains it, then.
(The Lone Gunmen finally manage to sneak their way out of the bakery section, and they now
run away as SCULLY wipes the crumbs from her face.)
SCULLY: Mmmm . . . chocolate was good, but . . . APPLE JUICE!!!! MUST HAVE APPLE
JUICE!!!!! AAAAAAAARGH!!!! APPLE JUICE!!!! WHERE IS THE APPLE JUICE?!
ANONYMOUS FEMALE SHOPPER STANDING BEHIND SCULLY: Aisle 8!!
SCULLY (politely): Thank you!
(SCULLY runs off toward Aisle 8, still screaming:)
SCULLY: APPLE JUICE!!!!! MUST HAVE APPLE JUICE!!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In Aisle 7 the foreign foods aisle. We see MULDER looking at a shelf of packages
of tortillas, trying to figure out which brand he should buy. Suddenly, the Lone Gunmen come running
down the aisle and bump into MULDER. All four guys collapse in a dog pile.)
MULDER: What the heck?! Byers? Langly? Frohike? What're you all doing here?
BYERS: Well, uh . . .
LANGLY: We, uh . . .
FROHIKE: You see, uh . . .
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: MULDER!! YOU'RE BACK!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Yeah, surprise, surprise. Capt. Janeway dredged me up for another fanfic . .
. Will that woman ever leave me alone?! I mean, I do need breaks once in a while . . .
BYERS: Mulder, Scully's gone insane.
LANGLY: She's got cravings!
FROHIKE: Really big cravings!!
MULDER: What? Cravings? Why?
BYERS: Don't you remember?! The writers had her get pregnant!!
MULDER: Oh! Yeah!! That's right!! What has she been craving?
LANGLY: Well, first it was chocolate chip cookies . . .
FROHIKE: . . . And now it's apple juice.
MULDER: Apple juice?
BYERS: Apple juice.
MULDER: Well, what're we going to do?
FROHIKE: We were hoping you'd have the answer to that question.
MULDER (rolling his eyes): Why do I always have to be the one coming up with plans of action?!
WHY?! Why can't somebody ELSE be intelligent once in a while . . . Give me a break!!
BYERS: But, Mulder, you've got to do something!
MULDER: YOU do something!
LANGLY: We already tried doing something!
BYERS: Yeah, and I almost got strangled by Scully in the process!
MULDER (sighing): Oh, all right. Where is she?
BYERS: Aisle 8.
MULDER: All right, you three better come with me just in case I need backup. Got it?
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Got it!
(MULDER and the Lone Gunmen cautiously walk over to Aisle 8. We see that SCULLY is
ripping open huge bottles of apple juice:)
SCULLY: Mmmmm!!! APPLE JUICE!! YUMMY!!! AAAAH!! MUST HAVE MORE APPLE
JUICE!!! (she rips open another bottle of APPLE JUICE:) MUST HAVE MORE APPLE JUICE!!!
MULDER (shocked): What the heck?! Why didn't you guys tell me it was this bad?!
FROHIKE: Well, we tried, but you kept being rude to us!!
LANGLY (angrily): Yeah!
SCULLY: FE-FI-FO-FUM!! APPLE JUICE SURE DOES TASTE . . . (trying to come up with
something that rhymes with "fun":) YUM!!
MULDER: Okay, I'll handle this, guys.
BYERS: We knew you could assume your old role, Mulder!!!
LANGLY: Yeah!! Go, Mulder!!
(The Lone Gunmen continue to cheer-on MULDER as he walks up to SCULLY as she slurps
down some more apple juice:)
MULDER: Hey, Scully, what're you doing?
SCULLY: APPLE JUICE!!!! APPLE JUICE!!!!! APPLE JUI--MULDER?!
MULDER: Yeah, Scully?
SCULLY: Mulder?
MULDER: Scully?
SCULLY: Mulder!
MULDER: Scully!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
FROHIKE: Hey, Mulder, Scully!
LANGLY: You okay?
MULDER (continuing): Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back at the gum ball machine near the entrance to Unpack & Spend. DOGGETT is
still kicking the thing:)
DOGGETT: Awww, this stinks!! Give me the stupid gum ball, already!!
(He kicks the gum ball machine some more . . .)
DOGGETT: C'mon!!! C'mon!!! C'mon, you stupid thing!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back in Aisle 8:)
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: SHUT-UP, ALREADY!!!!!
MULDER (abruptly snapping out of it): Huh?! Wha--?!
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes): Wha What happened?
BYERS: Well, it's a bit of a lengthy story . . .
FROHIKE: Scully just went insane, and Mulder was trying to get her out of it.
SCULLY: Oh.
MULDER (giving a nonchalant shrug): Business as usual.
FROHIKE: Yup.
SCULLY (suddenly remembering something): Oh, my gosh-golly!!
MULDER: What is it, Scully?!
SCULLY: I forgot!!
MULDER: You forgot what?
SCULLY: I was supposed to meet Agent Doggett in the health food aisle!! I got sidetracked!!
MULDER (rolling his eyes): Oh, you mean that jerk Capt. Janeway's so protective of?
LANGLY: Shhhhhh!! (in a frightened whisper:) Don't you know what she does to people who insult
him?!
FROHIKE: I heard that she casts them into the Lake of Killed-off Characters!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Yeah, right, like there's really such a thing as a Lake of Killed-off Characters!
SCULLY (in a New York accent similar to DOGGETT's): Cut it out, Mulder!! Quit insultin' Capt.
Janeway!
(MULDER and the Lone Gunmen look at SCULLY quizzically.)
SCULLY (a little embarrassed): Sorry . . . been hanging around the new guy too much . . .
MULDER (skeptically): Uh-huh . . . Anyway, let's go find that jerk--
BYERS, LANGLY, FROHIKE, & SCULLY: MULDER!!!!!
MULDER: --uh, (with the words dripping with hatred:) model citizen.
SCULLY: Right! Let's go!
LANGLY: He could be anywhere!
FROHIKE: Maybe we should split-up.
SCULLY: Good idea, Frohike. Mulder, I'll have you in my group . . . we can look in the produce
aisle.
FROHIKE: We can go to the bread aisle . . .
BYERS: I thought he was supposed to meet Scully in the health food aisle?
SCULLY: Does anybody here care?
(Nobody objects.)
MULDER: Okay, everyone, let's go!!
(They all go their separate ways . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back at the gum ball machine. DOGGETT's still there:)
DOGGETT (getting very frustrated with the gum ball machine): COME ON, YOU STUPID THING!!
GIVE ME THE DARN GUM BALL!!! I PUT IN A QUARTER, OKAY?!?!?! (he gives the gum
ball machine yet another nice kick:) ARGH!!! DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?! I GAVE YOU THE
QUARTER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the Produce Aisle with MULDER and SCULLY. SCULLY is looking around
presumably for DOGGETT, while MULDER inspects a kiwi fruit:)
MULDER (angrily): Stupid New Zealanders!! They have no idea how to grow proper kiwi!!
(Disgusted, MULDER throws the kiwi fruit back onto the stand.)
SCULLY: What're you talking about, Mulder?
MULDER: Kiwi!! Haven't you ever had kiwi fruit before?
SCULLY: No . . .
MULDER: It's really good . . . if it's grown right.
SCULLY (resuming her search for DOGGETT): Mmmmm.
MULDER: Scully?
SCULLY (annoyed): What now, Mulder?
MULDER: Ummm . . . y'know, I've been gone for a very long time . . .
SCULLY (her attention focused elsewhere): Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: . . . And it's not easy being stuck on a stupid UFO and all . . .
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: . . . So, I kinda think it'd be nice if I got a hug or something . . .
SCULLY (her attention still focused elsewhere): Uh-huh . . .
MULDER (testing her): . . . And I think that my actor is considering leaving the show again . . .
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER (taking advantage of the situation): Hey, Scully?
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: Can I have a few thousand dollars? I'm kinda late in paying my rent, so I could really use
the extra cash.
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: Hey, thanks. You're the best!! (pretending to be suddenly remembering:) Oh! And
Scully?
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER (grinning deviously): Can we go out to some really nice expensive restaurant after this?
SCULLY: Uh-huh . . .
MULDER: Your treat? Like I said, my rent's putting a nice dent in my budget . . .
SCULLY: Uh (catching herself) Wait a minute!! If we're going to an expensive restaurant, then it's
going to be YOUR treat!!
MULDER (caught off-guard): What?! Why?
SCULLY: 'Cause you're the guy, and guys always have to pay.
MULDER (in a whiny voice): Always?
SCULLY: Always. (clearing her throat:) So. Where are we going?
MULDER: What?!
SCULLY: You invited me!! I'm going.
MULDER: Going where?
SCULLY: That's what I'm asking you.
MULDER: Yeah, but I don't know where.
SCULLY: But, that's what I'm asking you!!
MULDER: I know that Scully! I'm not deaf!!
SCULLY: So, where are we going?
MULDER: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever.
SCULLY: Well, we have to decide on SOMETHING, Mulder.
MULDER (hopefully): And what if we can't decide on something?
SCULLY: Then I get to pick out the most expensive, elite restaurant in Washington, D.C.
MULDER (as the blood drains from his face): Ummm . . . okay. Well, uh, where would you like to
go?
SCULLY: Well, I was kind of thinking about this one place . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Yep, you guessed it: back with DOGGETT, who is now physically exhausted from
kicking the gum ball machine so much. He is panting heavily and wiping the sweat off his brow, but he's
still weakly kicking the gum ball machine with what little strength he has left:)
DOGGETT (in a very frail voice): Why, you stupid . . . (pant!!) no good . . . (pant!! pant!!) gum ball
machine . . . why, I oughta . . . (pant!!) just reach in there and take the . . . (pant!!) darn quarter right
out of that little coin box of yours . . . (pant!! pant!!) Mmmmmmmmmm . . .
(DOGGETT collapses on the floor, too tired to stand up anymore. A LITTLE KID passes by
and, wondering whether poor DOGGETT is dead, picks up a stick from the floor and pokes
DOGGETT with it a little:)
DOGGETT (exhausted): Stop . . . stop that, please . . . I'm so very tired . . . stop . . .
******************************************************************************