(Setting: With BYERS, LANGLY and FROHIKE in the bread aisle. FROHIKE looks around
him nervously. When nobody's looking including BYERS and LANGLY, he opens a package of
bread sticks, takes out two, and holds them over his head like they're antennae.)
FROHIKE: Hey, guys, look at this!
(BYERS and LANGLY look at FROHIKE.)
FROHIKE (in a high-pitched alien-like voice): I come in peace!!
LANGLY (laughing): Hey, that's pretty cool!! Let me try!!
(LANGLY grabs the package of bread sticks and does the same thing with two more bread
sticks.)
BYERS (annoyed): Guys, cut it out!! We're supposed to be looking for that Doggett guy . . .
(Suddenly, from around the corner, our three favorite friends from the Conspiracy appear:
KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN:)
KRYCEK (carefully examining each loaf of bread): No, no . . . Orowheat's no good . . . I'm looking
for Colombo or Country Hearth . . .
CSM: Do you want Colombo or Country Hearth? Do you really?
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!
(LANGLY, meanwhile, sneaks up behind KRYCEK, with the bread sticks still in his
possession. He taps KRYCEK on the shoulder, and holds the bread sticks over his head as
KRYCEK turns to look at him:)
LANGLY (in his own version of FROHIKE's high-pitched alien voice): I come in peace!!
KRYCEK (completely serious as he points to CSM): Talk to him. He's the leader.
LANGLY (still using the high-pitched voice): Okay.
(LANGLY walks up to CSM, while BYERS, who has been watching all of this, slaps his
forehead.)
LANGLY (again with the voice): I come in peace!!
CSM: Do you come in peace? Do you really?
LANGLY (confused, but still using his alien voice): Ummm . . . I don't know. I come in peace!!
MARITA: Oh, never mind. It's just a dopey guy with long hair.
KRYCEK: Hey, aren't you one of the Lone Gunmen?
LANGLY: Yeah!! Those are my pals Frohike and Byers over there!
(LANGLY points to them. FROHIKE excitedly jumps up and down as he waves to them,
while BYERS slaps his forehead in frustration at his friends' stupidity again.)
KRYCEK (not entirely sure what to make of the situation): Uh, hi.
MARITA (rolling her eyes): What a bunch of weirdos!!
CSM: Do you think they're a bunch of weirdos, Marita? Do you really?
KRYCEK & MARITA: SHUT-UP!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With . . . surprise! surprise! the Almighty Agent DOGGETT. He is still on the
floor, exhausted. The LITTLE KID is still poking him with the stick. the little brat!! I should teach
him a lesson . . . Oh, fine! Here we go again . . . Suddenly, CAPT. JANEWAY the author of this
fic, not the one portrayed by Kate Mulgrew appears out of nowhere with a scowl on her face:)
JANEWAY: Hey, kid, don't do that, please! That's the Almighty Agent Doggett!!
(DOGGETT gives a little moan.)
LITTLE KID: Who are you?
JANEWAY (menacingly): Listen, kid, if you know what's best for you, then you'll beat it.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because Agent Doggett is my all-time favorite X-Files character.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because he's not a wimp.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because that's how Chris Carter wanted him.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Don't question perfection, kiddo.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Doggett's perfect, and that's all that needs to be said.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY (dryly): You just don't know when to shut-up, do you?
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because I'm the all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-hearing author of this fic who has no clue
as to why she even thought of creating such an annoying character like you. So, get out of here.
Please.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: I mean it!!!!! LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: ARGH!!!! SHUT-UP!!
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: OUT!!! OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU BECOME THE FIRST KID IN THE
HISTORY OF X-FILES TO ACTUALLY DIE!!!!!!!
LITTLE KID: Why?
(JANEWAY, who just can't take it anymore, grabs the LITTLE KID by the shoulder and
drags him to a check-out stand.)
JANEWAY (to the clerk at the check-out stand): Look, if anybody wants to buy a kid, they can have
this one for five dollars.
(JANEWAY walks back to DOGGETT, who gives another little groan.)
JANEWAY: You okay, Doggett?
DOGGETT (wincing in pain): Ahhhhhhhh . . .
JANEWAY: Okay . . . Let me see if I can find a chair for you . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MULDER and SCULLY in the produce aisle. SCULLY is still trying to decide
on which super expensive restaurant she wants to go to, while MULDER tries to look for a way to
ditch her so he doesn't have to pay all that money:)
SCULLY (thinking aloud): Hmmmmm . . . then there's always the Gilded Saucepan . . .
MULDER (desperate to get himself out of this mess): How about McDonald's, like those kids from
prom in the commercials?
SCULLY (giving him the famous "Scully look of death"): I'm not even going to dignify that with an
answer, Mulder. Anyway, the Gilded Saucepan might be nice . . .
MULDER: Translation: expensive--
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER): . . . Although I've heard that the food there can get a bit greasy . . .
MULDER (looking heavenward): Here we go again . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the bread aisle with KRYCEK, MARITA, the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN,
and the Lone Gunmen. LANGLY is still going from person to person with the bread sticks claiming
that he comes in peace which I seriously doubt is true. BYERS is trying very hard to blend-in with
the wall, while FROHIKE tries talking with KRYCEK. KRYCEK, however, looks like he'd rather be
doing anything else besides this; MARITA has a compact out and is checking the status of her hair and
makeup in the little mirror. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is, well, smoking a cigarette.)
FROHIKE (excitedly chattering away): . . . And you'll NEVER guess the nifty little gizmo I found out
about when I hacked into the CIA's database the other day!!
KRYCEK (trying to come up with an excuse to leave): Um, yeah. You're right. I won't. Now, if you
don't mind, I've got to get my, uh, wallet out of the car . . . I won't be able to pay for my bread if I don't
have it with me . . .
FROHIKE: Great!! I'll go with you!!
KRYCEK (desperate to get away from FROHIKE): Uh, that's--that's okay. You don't need to. I'll
be right back.
FROHIKE: You sure?
KRYCEK (deadpan): Very.
(KRYCEK walks toward the front of the supermarket, but stops when he gets to MARITA:)
KRYCEK (whispering): Let's get out of here, Marita! That weirdo Frohike is freaking me out . . .
MARITA (snapping the compact closed and putting it into her purse): What about C.G.B.?
KRYCEK (glancing at CSM): The Smokestack? Aw, forget about him. He can find his own way
back.
MARITA (unsure): I don't know, Alex . . .
KRYCEK (anxiously): Well, hurry up and decide, because Frohike's going to want to talk to me again
. . .
MARITA: All right! I'll go with you.
(MARITA and KRYCEK run to the front of the store, while the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN pulls out another cigarette and lights it.)
BYERS: Uh, Mister Cigarette-Smoking Person Sir?
CSM: Do you want to talk to me? Do you really?
BYERS: Yeah, uh, I'd like to ask you to please put out your cigarette.
CSM (scowling): Do you want me to put out my cigarette? Do you really?
BYERS (not very sure if he wants to talk to CSM anymore): Uh . . . Yeah . . . that'd be nice . . .
CSM: Do you think that would be nice? Do you really?
BYERS: Why do always answer my questions with more questions?
CSM: Are you puzzled as to why I always answer your questions with more questions? Are you
really?
LANGLY (interrupting): I come in peace!!
BYERS (to LANGLY): Shut-up!!
CSM: Do you want him to shut-up? Do you really?
BYERS: That goes for you, too!!
FROHIKE (searching for KRYCEK): Hey, Byers?
BYERS: WHAT?! EVERYONE JUST SHUT-UP!!!!! SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!! I DON'T
WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!!! THAT APPLIES
TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROHIKE (quietly): Nothing?
LANGLY (quietly): I come in peace?
BYERS: Nothing!!! Zip, zero, nada, nothing!!!! And you're lying, Langly!!! You aren't coming in
peace!!!! You are disturbing me!!!!
CSM: Is he disturbing you? Is he really?
BYERS: SHUT-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back with DOGGETT and CAPT. JANEWAY. DOGGETT is now weakly
standing up, muttering about how much he wants to kill the gum ball machine. JANEWAY is trying to
figure what the heck she can do to expedite the plot a bit.)
DOGGETT: Hmmm. Well, what're we going to do now?
JANEWAY (thinking): Well . . . (suddenly getting an idea:) Why don't we head on over to the produce
aisle? (grinning knowingly:) I have a feeling something's about to happen there . . .
DOGGETT (suspiciously): Really.
JANEWAY (still grinning): Really.
DOGGETT (still suspicious): All right. Let's go.
(DOGGETT and JANEWAY walk toward the produce aisle.)
JANEWAY (thinking): Hmmmm . . . I'll have to find a way to get all the other characters to the
produce aisle, too . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back in the bread aisle with the Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is nervously puffing away at his cigarettes, trying to
figure out what's taking MARITA and KRYCEK so long. BYERS is still angry with the world about
the fact that it's impossible to carry on a normal conversation with the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN; LANGLY and FROHIKE are very tired from running around with their bread sticks, and they
sit down on the floor and start playing "rock, paper, scissors.")
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically):
One-two-three-rock-paper-SCISSORS!!!!
(LANGLY has his hand out flat to represent paper; FROHIKE makes a fist to represent rock.
FROHIKE uses his fist to hit LANGLY's "paper.")
LANGLY: Hey!! What're you doing?!
FROHIKE: I had rock!!
LANGLY: Yeah, but paper covers rock!!
FROHIKE: Nah-ah!! Rock destroys everything!!
LANGLY: Really?
FROHIKE: Really.
LANGLY: Okay. Let's try again, then.
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically again):
One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!
(LANGLY and FROHIKE both have fists to represent rock.)
LANGLY: Rock!!
FROHIKE: Rock!!
LANGLY: Redo!!
FROHIKE: Redo!!
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically): One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!
(Again, both have fists.)
LANGLY: Rock!!
FROHIKE: Rock!!
LANGLY: Redo!!
FROHIKE: Redo!!
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically): One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!
(Both have fists yet again. They agree to a redo, as BYERS finally gets fed-up with remaining
in the company of jerks:)
BYERS: I am finally fed-up with remaining in the company of jerks!!! I'm going to the produce aisle.
(BYERS starts to head toward the produce aisle. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, after
giving it some thought, decides to follow BYERS. LANGLY and FROHIKE don't notice the fact that
they've left, however, as they've now given-up at "rock, paper, scissors," and start eating the bread
sticks and looking for some soda to take care of their thirst.)
LANGLY: I say we get Mountain Dew.
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!!
LANGLY (menacingly): Mountain Dew!!
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!!
LANGLY: Mountain Dew!!
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!
LANGLY: MOUNTAIN DEW!!!
FROHIKE: SEVEN-UP!!!!!
LANGLY (suddenly focusing his attention elsewhere): Hey, Frohike?
FROHIKE: What is it, Langly?
LANGLY: I have this sudden urge to go to the produce aisle . . . Idunno why . . .
FROHIKE: That's weird . . . I have one too . . .
LANGLY: Well, let's go . . .
FROHIKE: Okay.
(LANGLY and FROHIKE exit toward the produce aisle.)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MARITA and KRYCEK in their car. KRYCEK is driving, and MARITA is
almost asleep in the front passenger seat. KRYCEK is droning on and on about something that we
can't figure out; he, however, finds the subject very interesting.)
KRYCEK: . . . So I said to Norm, I said, I said . . . (suddenly having his attention drawn elsewhere:)
Hey, Marita?
MARITA (sleepily): Yeah, Alex?
KRYCEK: I suddenly have this weird urge to . . . to . . .
MARITA: To what?
KRYCEK: . . . To . . . go back to the grocery store and go to the produce aisle.
MARITA: Oh. (thinking:) You know, it's funny you mention that, Alex, because I want to do that, too.
I don't know why . . .
KRYCEK: You want to go back?
MARITA: Why not?
(KRYCEK makes a U-turn toward Unpack & Spend . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Just a few aisles away from the produce aisle. DOGGETT and JANEWAY are still
walking:)
JANEWAY: There!! Now everybody's on their way to the produce aisle.
DOGGETT: How do you know that for sure?
JANEWAY: I'm the all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful author of this fic . . . Everything that
happens is a product of my imagination.
DOGGETT (aghast): You mean, YOU made that little kid poke me with a stick?! I can understand
Mulder clobbering me on the head with a driver, like in your last fic, but a kid poking me with a stick?!
What kind of a sick, twisted author are you?!?!
JANEWAY (shrugging): To the readers, it was kinda funny.
DOGGETT: Remind me to start a boycott of your fics.
JANEWAY: How are you going to do that? I'm the only author who speaks to you. All the others are
mean and rude and ignore you. Haven't you ever read any of those horribly mushy MSR fics that don't
even acknowledge your existence?
DOGGETT (narrowing his eyes): I'll find a way . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the produce aisle. MULDER is now examining the oranges, while SCULLY still
tries to decide on which expensive restaurant she wants to eat at. Suddenly, MARITA and KRYCEK
enter from around a corner:)
MARITA: Well, now that we're here, what're we going to do?
KRYCEK: Hmmmm . . . I don't know, Marita.
SCULLY (suddenly spotting MARITA and KRYCEK): Hey, Mulder!! Look!! It's your favorite
punching-bag and his girlfriend!!!
MULDER (excitedly): Krycek and Marita?! Where?!?
(KRYCEK tries to signal to SCULLY to shut-up, while MARITA hides behind a stand of
plums. Unfortunately, SCULLY pays no attention to KRYCEK:)
SCULLY (pointing): Over there, Mulder!!
MULDER: Oh!! I see them, Scully!!
KRYCEK (pleading with the ceiling): Take me!!! Take me now, please!!! I can't undergo this
punishment again!! Please!!
MULDER (walking over to KRYCEK): Man, this is going to feel SOOOOOO good!! It's been
forever since the last time I beat you up!!
KRYCEK (desperate to find a good excuse to keep MULDER away): Hey, Mulder!! Y'know, you've
got to have a motive in order to punch me!!
MULDER: Really? Well, in that case, I've got lots . . .
KRYCEK (nervously): Uh . . . really?
MULDER: Well, for starters, I think you're a back-stabbing jerk who has an equally unreliable idiot for
a girlfriend . . .
MARITA (yelling out from behind the plum stand): Hey!!! Watch your mouth, Mulder!!
KRYCEK: Yeah, watch it!!
MULDER: No, YOU watch it!!
KRYCEK: I won't watch it unless you watch it!!!
MULDER: Oh yeah?!
KRYCEK: Yeah!!
MULDER: Oh yeah?!
KRYCEK: Yeah!!
MULDER: All right, you asked for it!!!
(MULDER grabs KRYCEK by the shoulders and throws him right on top of a nice pile of
broccoli. KRYCEK yelps in pain, while SCULLY and MARITA both decide that now is an excellent
time to grab a bag of trail mix and watch the show. KRYCEK leaps off of the broccoli pile and rams
right into MULDER, who falls to the ground. Unfortunately for KRYCEK, MULDER gets right back
up and slams KRYCEK up against the plum stand, behind which SCULLY and MARITA are sitting.
The plum stand falls toward SCULLY and MARITA, but they and their bags of trail mix get away
from the plum stand just in time. While SCULLY and MARITA run to the banana rack, KRYCEK
futilely kicks his legs. MULDER manages to evade them and grabs KRYCEK by the neck. Suddenly,
CAPT. JANEWAY and DOGGETT come around the corner to find out what all the commotion is
about:)
SCULLY & MARITA (chanting as they enthusiastically pump their fists in the air and eat their trail
mix): Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!
DOGGETT (very pleased with himself): Well what do you know? I found Mulder!! Maybe I'll get that
pay raise after all!!
JANEWAY (rushing to MULDER and KRYCEK): Woah, Mulder!!! Now, I know you like to
beat-up Krycek, but killing him? That's a bit much, Mulder. Just let go of Krycek's neck.
SCULLY & MARITA: Noooooo!! Let them fight!!
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway, who usually wins these fights?
JANEWAY: Mulder.
DOGGETT: Well, in that case, I guess it wouldn't hurt to watch 'em fight . . . Long as I can show
Skinner that I did indeed find Mulder . . . (to himself:) I wonder how MUCH of a pay raise I'll be
getting . . .
JANEWAY (choosing to ignore everyone's comments as she is the omnipotent author of this fic):
Look, Mulder. Just . . . put . . . Krycek . . . down. Okay?
MULDER: Why?
JANEWAY: Because if you kill him, he won't be around for you to beat up anymore.
MULDER: Hmmmm . . . you do have a point there . . .
SCULLY & MARITA: Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!
(Suddenly, the Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN enter:)
BYERS (confused): What the heck?!
LANGLY: Wow!!
FROHIKE: It looks like the WWF here!!
CSM: Do you think it looks like the WWF here? Do you really?
EVERYONE EXCEPT CSM: SHUT-UP!!!
JANEWAY: Hey, Mulder, I got a proposition for you, if you're willing to hear me out.
MULDER: Okay . . .
JANEWAY: If you let Krycek go, you can kill the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
MULDER (his eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Really?! It seems like everybody's killed him off the
show except for me!!
JANEWAY: Well, here's your chance.
MULDER: It's a deal!!
(MULDER releases KRYCEK, who gently rubs his neck where MULDER had been holding
him. MULDER now approaches the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN:)
CSM (nervously puffing at a cigarette): Do you want to beat me up? Do you really?
MULDER (grinning): Oh, yes, I do.
(MULDER prepares to take a swing at the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, but before he
does, there is a little "DING-DING" noise that can just barely be heard. Distracted, both MULDER
and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN try to find the source of the noise. Finally, those little misters
that keep the produce fresh come on, except they aren't producing mist: they're producing buckets and
buckets of water. Everyone tries to get out of the way especially MARITA, who is very concerned
about ruining her hair and clothing, but pretty soon the produce aisle starts to flood. The
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN takes advantage of the opportunity to grab a cardboard box
containing cabbage, dump the cabbage on the floor or rather, into the water on the floor, get inside,
and use it as a boat to help him escape. The water is now about up to everyone's shoulders:)
SCULLY (desperately): Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway, if you're the author, then WHY THE HECK ARE YOU
THREATENING MY PAY RAISE?!?!
JANEWAY (shrugging): Idunno. Help me out of this icky water, will you?
DOGGETT (grudgingly): Oh, fine, here.
(DOGGETT swims to the plum stand which is now floating quite nicely, climbs on top of it,
and pulls JANEWAY on top. Just as he does so, we watch the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
float by in his little cardboard box, with the Lone Gunmen hanging on to its sides. Unfortunately for the
quartet, the cardboard box is taking on a significant amount of water, due to the fact that it is
cardboard, and not very valuable when it gets wet. The camera cuts away to the banana rack where
MULDER, SCULLY, KRYCEK, and MARITA are:)
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MARITA (screaming): ALEX!!
KRYCEK (concerned): Marita!! What's wrong?! Can you swim?! Are you drowning?!
MARITA (still screaming): MY DESIGNER CLOTHES ARE RUINED BY THIS DISGUSTING
WATER!!!! RUINED!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
KRYCEK: Uh, yeah, that's uh . . . just terrible, Marita.
MULDER (continuing): Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
(Suddenly, the banana rack starts to float away toward the plum stand. It bumps into the plum
stand with a violent jolt that sends KRYCEK, DOGGETT, and SCULLY into the water.)
JANEWAY: Doggett!!
DOGGETT (absolutely irate): WHAT THE HECK KIND OF A CRAZY AUTHOR ARE
YOU?!?!?!?! IF YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FAN OF MINE, WHY DO YOU PUT ME IN THESE
STUPID SITUATIONS?!?!?!?!???!?! MAKE THIS INSANITY STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARITA: Alex!!!
KRYCEK: Marita!!
MARITA: Grab onto the asparagus stand!!! It's floating pretty well!!
(KRYCEK grabs onto the asparagus stand and climbs on top.)
MULDER (reaching dramatically for SCULLY): SCULLY!!
SCULLY: MULDER!!
MULDER: Grab my hand!!
SCULLY: I can't, Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
JANEWAY: Hang on, Doggett!! Go to the asparagus stand with Krycek!! It's your best bet!!
DOGGETT: WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT THE WATER DRAINING
OUT OF THE STORE INTO YOUR FIC?!?!?! YOU ARE THE AUTHOR, AREN'T YOU?!??!?
JANEWAY (thinking): Hey, that's actually a pretty good idea . . .
(The Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN go by in their little cardboard
box::)
LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing): . . I'm . . . Popeye the Sai-lor Man!! Popeye the Sai-lor Man!! . . .
BYERS (through clenched teeth): Shut-up!!
CSM: Do you want them to shut-up? Do you really?
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Go to the asparagus stand!!
SCULLY: I can't!! The current's too strong, Mulder!!
DOGGETT: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! DO SOMETHING, CAPT. JANEWAY!!!!!!
JANEWAY (thinking): Ummm . . . okay . . . lemme see . . .
(JANEWAY whips out a little soggy notepad and a pencil and starts writing some more.
Suddenly, the water starts to drain out of the store, through the doors, and into the parking lot. Soon,
there is no water left in the produce aisle, but there is debris strewn everywhere, and all the characters
are sopping wet. MULDER and SCULLY hug:)
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
(KRYCEK and MARITA hug:)
MARITA: Alex!!
KRYCEK: Marita!!
(The Lone Gunmen stare at each other:)
BYERS (menacingly): Don't even THINK of hugging me, you idiots!!
LANGLY: Hey, look!! The Smoking Guy!!
FROHIKE: He's dead!!
(The Lone Gunmen walk over to where the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is lying next to
the soggy cardboard box.)
BYERS: That's strange . . . I wonder HOW exactly he died. I didn't notice anything in particular that
could've killed him . . .
DOGGETT: That's much better. Remind me not to participate in another one of your fics if I can help
it.
JANEWAY (horrified): But, you can't do that!! I've got you in mind for my next fic!! It'll be great!!!
Please? I'll be nicer in the next one . . .
DOGGETT (unsure): I don't know . . .
JANEWAY: Please?
DOGGETT: Oh, fine. I guess it couldn't hurt.
JANEWAY: Yay!!!!! (menacingly:) Just wait until you see what I'm going to do in my NEXT fic!!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
Didja like my fic? Whether your opinion is good or bad, please let me know by REVIEWING!!!!
Thanx!! ;)
him nervously. When nobody's looking including BYERS and LANGLY, he opens a package of
bread sticks, takes out two, and holds them over his head like they're antennae.)
FROHIKE: Hey, guys, look at this!
(BYERS and LANGLY look at FROHIKE.)
FROHIKE (in a high-pitched alien-like voice): I come in peace!!
LANGLY (laughing): Hey, that's pretty cool!! Let me try!!
(LANGLY grabs the package of bread sticks and does the same thing with two more bread
sticks.)
BYERS (annoyed): Guys, cut it out!! We're supposed to be looking for that Doggett guy . . .
(Suddenly, from around the corner, our three favorite friends from the Conspiracy appear:
KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN:)
KRYCEK (carefully examining each loaf of bread): No, no . . . Orowheat's no good . . . I'm looking
for Colombo or Country Hearth . . .
CSM: Do you want Colombo or Country Hearth? Do you really?
KRYCEK & MARITA: Shut-up!!
(LANGLY, meanwhile, sneaks up behind KRYCEK, with the bread sticks still in his
possession. He taps KRYCEK on the shoulder, and holds the bread sticks over his head as
KRYCEK turns to look at him:)
LANGLY (in his own version of FROHIKE's high-pitched alien voice): I come in peace!!
KRYCEK (completely serious as he points to CSM): Talk to him. He's the leader.
LANGLY (still using the high-pitched voice): Okay.
(LANGLY walks up to CSM, while BYERS, who has been watching all of this, slaps his
forehead.)
LANGLY (again with the voice): I come in peace!!
CSM: Do you come in peace? Do you really?
LANGLY (confused, but still using his alien voice): Ummm . . . I don't know. I come in peace!!
MARITA: Oh, never mind. It's just a dopey guy with long hair.
KRYCEK: Hey, aren't you one of the Lone Gunmen?
LANGLY: Yeah!! Those are my pals Frohike and Byers over there!
(LANGLY points to them. FROHIKE excitedly jumps up and down as he waves to them,
while BYERS slaps his forehead in frustration at his friends' stupidity again.)
KRYCEK (not entirely sure what to make of the situation): Uh, hi.
MARITA (rolling her eyes): What a bunch of weirdos!!
CSM: Do you think they're a bunch of weirdos, Marita? Do you really?
KRYCEK & MARITA: SHUT-UP!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With . . . surprise! surprise! the Almighty Agent DOGGETT. He is still on the
floor, exhausted. The LITTLE KID is still poking him with the stick. the little brat!! I should teach
him a lesson . . . Oh, fine! Here we go again . . . Suddenly, CAPT. JANEWAY the author of this
fic, not the one portrayed by Kate Mulgrew appears out of nowhere with a scowl on her face:)
JANEWAY: Hey, kid, don't do that, please! That's the Almighty Agent Doggett!!
(DOGGETT gives a little moan.)
LITTLE KID: Who are you?
JANEWAY (menacingly): Listen, kid, if you know what's best for you, then you'll beat it.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because Agent Doggett is my all-time favorite X-Files character.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because he's not a wimp.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because that's how Chris Carter wanted him.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Don't question perfection, kiddo.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Doggett's perfect, and that's all that needs to be said.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY (dryly): You just don't know when to shut-up, do you?
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: Because I'm the all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-hearing author of this fic who has no clue
as to why she even thought of creating such an annoying character like you. So, get out of here.
Please.
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: I mean it!!!!! LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: ARGH!!!! SHUT-UP!!
LITTLE KID: Why?
JANEWAY: OUT!!! OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU BECOME THE FIRST KID IN THE
HISTORY OF X-FILES TO ACTUALLY DIE!!!!!!!
LITTLE KID: Why?
(JANEWAY, who just can't take it anymore, grabs the LITTLE KID by the shoulder and
drags him to a check-out stand.)
JANEWAY (to the clerk at the check-out stand): Look, if anybody wants to buy a kid, they can have
this one for five dollars.
(JANEWAY walks back to DOGGETT, who gives another little groan.)
JANEWAY: You okay, Doggett?
DOGGETT (wincing in pain): Ahhhhhhhh . . .
JANEWAY: Okay . . . Let me see if I can find a chair for you . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MULDER and SCULLY in the produce aisle. SCULLY is still trying to decide
on which super expensive restaurant she wants to go to, while MULDER tries to look for a way to
ditch her so he doesn't have to pay all that money:)
SCULLY (thinking aloud): Hmmmmm . . . then there's always the Gilded Saucepan . . .
MULDER (desperate to get himself out of this mess): How about McDonald's, like those kids from
prom in the commercials?
SCULLY (giving him the famous "Scully look of death"): I'm not even going to dignify that with an
answer, Mulder. Anyway, the Gilded Saucepan might be nice . . .
MULDER: Translation: expensive--
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER): . . . Although I've heard that the food there can get a bit greasy . . .
MULDER (looking heavenward): Here we go again . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the bread aisle with KRYCEK, MARITA, the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN,
and the Lone Gunmen. LANGLY is still going from person to person with the bread sticks claiming
that he comes in peace which I seriously doubt is true. BYERS is trying very hard to blend-in with
the wall, while FROHIKE tries talking with KRYCEK. KRYCEK, however, looks like he'd rather be
doing anything else besides this; MARITA has a compact out and is checking the status of her hair and
makeup in the little mirror. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is, well, smoking a cigarette.)
FROHIKE (excitedly chattering away): . . . And you'll NEVER guess the nifty little gizmo I found out
about when I hacked into the CIA's database the other day!!
KRYCEK (trying to come up with an excuse to leave): Um, yeah. You're right. I won't. Now, if you
don't mind, I've got to get my, uh, wallet out of the car . . . I won't be able to pay for my bread if I don't
have it with me . . .
FROHIKE: Great!! I'll go with you!!
KRYCEK (desperate to get away from FROHIKE): Uh, that's--that's okay. You don't need to. I'll
be right back.
FROHIKE: You sure?
KRYCEK (deadpan): Very.
(KRYCEK walks toward the front of the supermarket, but stops when he gets to MARITA:)
KRYCEK (whispering): Let's get out of here, Marita! That weirdo Frohike is freaking me out . . .
MARITA (snapping the compact closed and putting it into her purse): What about C.G.B.?
KRYCEK (glancing at CSM): The Smokestack? Aw, forget about him. He can find his own way
back.
MARITA (unsure): I don't know, Alex . . .
KRYCEK (anxiously): Well, hurry up and decide, because Frohike's going to want to talk to me again
. . .
MARITA: All right! I'll go with you.
(MARITA and KRYCEK run to the front of the store, while the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN pulls out another cigarette and lights it.)
BYERS: Uh, Mister Cigarette-Smoking Person Sir?
CSM: Do you want to talk to me? Do you really?
BYERS: Yeah, uh, I'd like to ask you to please put out your cigarette.
CSM (scowling): Do you want me to put out my cigarette? Do you really?
BYERS (not very sure if he wants to talk to CSM anymore): Uh . . . Yeah . . . that'd be nice . . .
CSM: Do you think that would be nice? Do you really?
BYERS: Why do always answer my questions with more questions?
CSM: Are you puzzled as to why I always answer your questions with more questions? Are you
really?
LANGLY (interrupting): I come in peace!!
BYERS (to LANGLY): Shut-up!!
CSM: Do you want him to shut-up? Do you really?
BYERS: That goes for you, too!!
FROHIKE (searching for KRYCEK): Hey, Byers?
BYERS: WHAT?! EVERYONE JUST SHUT-UP!!!!! SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!! I DON'T
WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!!! THAT APPLIES
TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROHIKE (quietly): Nothing?
LANGLY (quietly): I come in peace?
BYERS: Nothing!!! Zip, zero, nada, nothing!!!! And you're lying, Langly!!! You aren't coming in
peace!!!! You are disturbing me!!!!
CSM: Is he disturbing you? Is he really?
BYERS: SHUT-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back with DOGGETT and CAPT. JANEWAY. DOGGETT is now weakly
standing up, muttering about how much he wants to kill the gum ball machine. JANEWAY is trying to
figure what the heck she can do to expedite the plot a bit.)
DOGGETT: Hmmm. Well, what're we going to do now?
JANEWAY (thinking): Well . . . (suddenly getting an idea:) Why don't we head on over to the produce
aisle? (grinning knowingly:) I have a feeling something's about to happen there . . .
DOGGETT (suspiciously): Really.
JANEWAY (still grinning): Really.
DOGGETT (still suspicious): All right. Let's go.
(DOGGETT and JANEWAY walk toward the produce aisle.)
JANEWAY (thinking): Hmmmm . . . I'll have to find a way to get all the other characters to the
produce aisle, too . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Back in the bread aisle with the Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is nervously puffing away at his cigarettes, trying to
figure out what's taking MARITA and KRYCEK so long. BYERS is still angry with the world about
the fact that it's impossible to carry on a normal conversation with the CIGARETTE-SMOKING
MAN; LANGLY and FROHIKE are very tired from running around with their bread sticks, and they
sit down on the floor and start playing "rock, paper, scissors.")
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically):
One-two-three-rock-paper-SCISSORS!!!!
(LANGLY has his hand out flat to represent paper; FROHIKE makes a fist to represent rock.
FROHIKE uses his fist to hit LANGLY's "paper.")
LANGLY: Hey!! What're you doing?!
FROHIKE: I had rock!!
LANGLY: Yeah, but paper covers rock!!
FROHIKE: Nah-ah!! Rock destroys everything!!
LANGLY: Really?
FROHIKE: Really.
LANGLY: Okay. Let's try again, then.
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically again):
One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!
(LANGLY and FROHIKE both have fists to represent rock.)
LANGLY: Rock!!
FROHIKE: Rock!!
LANGLY: Redo!!
FROHIKE: Redo!!
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically): One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!
(Again, both have fists.)
LANGLY: Rock!!
FROHIKE: Rock!!
LANGLY: Redo!!
FROHIKE: Redo!!
LANGLY & FROHIKE (pounding their fists emphatically): One-two-three-rock-paper-scissors!!
(Both have fists yet again. They agree to a redo, as BYERS finally gets fed-up with remaining
in the company of jerks:)
BYERS: I am finally fed-up with remaining in the company of jerks!!! I'm going to the produce aisle.
(BYERS starts to head toward the produce aisle. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, after
giving it some thought, decides to follow BYERS. LANGLY and FROHIKE don't notice the fact that
they've left, however, as they've now given-up at "rock, paper, scissors," and start eating the bread
sticks and looking for some soda to take care of their thirst.)
LANGLY: I say we get Mountain Dew.
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!!
LANGLY (menacingly): Mountain Dew!!
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!!
LANGLY: Mountain Dew!!
FROHIKE: Seven-up!!
LANGLY: MOUNTAIN DEW!!!
FROHIKE: SEVEN-UP!!!!!
LANGLY (suddenly focusing his attention elsewhere): Hey, Frohike?
FROHIKE: What is it, Langly?
LANGLY: I have this sudden urge to go to the produce aisle . . . Idunno why . . .
FROHIKE: That's weird . . . I have one too . . .
LANGLY: Well, let's go . . .
FROHIKE: Okay.
(LANGLY and FROHIKE exit toward the produce aisle.)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MARITA and KRYCEK in their car. KRYCEK is driving, and MARITA is
almost asleep in the front passenger seat. KRYCEK is droning on and on about something that we
can't figure out; he, however, finds the subject very interesting.)
KRYCEK: . . . So I said to Norm, I said, I said . . . (suddenly having his attention drawn elsewhere:)
Hey, Marita?
MARITA (sleepily): Yeah, Alex?
KRYCEK: I suddenly have this weird urge to . . . to . . .
MARITA: To what?
KRYCEK: . . . To . . . go back to the grocery store and go to the produce aisle.
MARITA: Oh. (thinking:) You know, it's funny you mention that, Alex, because I want to do that, too.
I don't know why . . .
KRYCEK: You want to go back?
MARITA: Why not?
(KRYCEK makes a U-turn toward Unpack & Spend . . .)
******************************************************************************
(Setting: Just a few aisles away from the produce aisle. DOGGETT and JANEWAY are still
walking:)
JANEWAY: There!! Now everybody's on their way to the produce aisle.
DOGGETT: How do you know that for sure?
JANEWAY: I'm the all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful author of this fic . . . Everything that
happens is a product of my imagination.
DOGGETT (aghast): You mean, YOU made that little kid poke me with a stick?! I can understand
Mulder clobbering me on the head with a driver, like in your last fic, but a kid poking me with a stick?!
What kind of a sick, twisted author are you?!?!
JANEWAY (shrugging): To the readers, it was kinda funny.
DOGGETT: Remind me to start a boycott of your fics.
JANEWAY: How are you going to do that? I'm the only author who speaks to you. All the others are
mean and rude and ignore you. Haven't you ever read any of those horribly mushy MSR fics that don't
even acknowledge your existence?
DOGGETT (narrowing his eyes): I'll find a way . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: In the produce aisle. MULDER is now examining the oranges, while SCULLY still
tries to decide on which expensive restaurant she wants to eat at. Suddenly, MARITA and KRYCEK
enter from around a corner:)
MARITA: Well, now that we're here, what're we going to do?
KRYCEK: Hmmmm . . . I don't know, Marita.
SCULLY (suddenly spotting MARITA and KRYCEK): Hey, Mulder!! Look!! It's your favorite
punching-bag and his girlfriend!!!
MULDER (excitedly): Krycek and Marita?! Where?!?
(KRYCEK tries to signal to SCULLY to shut-up, while MARITA hides behind a stand of
plums. Unfortunately, SCULLY pays no attention to KRYCEK:)
SCULLY (pointing): Over there, Mulder!!
MULDER: Oh!! I see them, Scully!!
KRYCEK (pleading with the ceiling): Take me!!! Take me now, please!!! I can't undergo this
punishment again!! Please!!
MULDER (walking over to KRYCEK): Man, this is going to feel SOOOOOO good!! It's been
forever since the last time I beat you up!!
KRYCEK (desperate to find a good excuse to keep MULDER away): Hey, Mulder!! Y'know, you've
got to have a motive in order to punch me!!
MULDER: Really? Well, in that case, I've got lots . . .
KRYCEK (nervously): Uh . . . really?
MULDER: Well, for starters, I think you're a back-stabbing jerk who has an equally unreliable idiot for
a girlfriend . . .
MARITA (yelling out from behind the plum stand): Hey!!! Watch your mouth, Mulder!!
KRYCEK: Yeah, watch it!!
MULDER: No, YOU watch it!!
KRYCEK: I won't watch it unless you watch it!!!
MULDER: Oh yeah?!
KRYCEK: Yeah!!
MULDER: Oh yeah?!
KRYCEK: Yeah!!
MULDER: All right, you asked for it!!!
(MULDER grabs KRYCEK by the shoulders and throws him right on top of a nice pile of
broccoli. KRYCEK yelps in pain, while SCULLY and MARITA both decide that now is an excellent
time to grab a bag of trail mix and watch the show. KRYCEK leaps off of the broccoli pile and rams
right into MULDER, who falls to the ground. Unfortunately for KRYCEK, MULDER gets right back
up and slams KRYCEK up against the plum stand, behind which SCULLY and MARITA are sitting.
The plum stand falls toward SCULLY and MARITA, but they and their bags of trail mix get away
from the plum stand just in time. While SCULLY and MARITA run to the banana rack, KRYCEK
futilely kicks his legs. MULDER manages to evade them and grabs KRYCEK by the neck. Suddenly,
CAPT. JANEWAY and DOGGETT come around the corner to find out what all the commotion is
about:)
SCULLY & MARITA (chanting as they enthusiastically pump their fists in the air and eat their trail
mix): Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!
DOGGETT (very pleased with himself): Well what do you know? I found Mulder!! Maybe I'll get that
pay raise after all!!
JANEWAY (rushing to MULDER and KRYCEK): Woah, Mulder!!! Now, I know you like to
beat-up Krycek, but killing him? That's a bit much, Mulder. Just let go of Krycek's neck.
SCULLY & MARITA: Noooooo!! Let them fight!!
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway, who usually wins these fights?
JANEWAY: Mulder.
DOGGETT: Well, in that case, I guess it wouldn't hurt to watch 'em fight . . . Long as I can show
Skinner that I did indeed find Mulder . . . (to himself:) I wonder how MUCH of a pay raise I'll be
getting . . .
JANEWAY (choosing to ignore everyone's comments as she is the omnipotent author of this fic):
Look, Mulder. Just . . . put . . . Krycek . . . down. Okay?
MULDER: Why?
JANEWAY: Because if you kill him, he won't be around for you to beat up anymore.
MULDER: Hmmmm . . . you do have a point there . . .
SCULLY & MARITA: Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!
(Suddenly, the Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN enter:)
BYERS (confused): What the heck?!
LANGLY: Wow!!
FROHIKE: It looks like the WWF here!!
CSM: Do you think it looks like the WWF here? Do you really?
EVERYONE EXCEPT CSM: SHUT-UP!!!
JANEWAY: Hey, Mulder, I got a proposition for you, if you're willing to hear me out.
MULDER: Okay . . .
JANEWAY: If you let Krycek go, you can kill the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
MULDER (his eyes the size of ping-pong balls): Really?! It seems like everybody's killed him off the
show except for me!!
JANEWAY: Well, here's your chance.
MULDER: It's a deal!!
(MULDER releases KRYCEK, who gently rubs his neck where MULDER had been holding
him. MULDER now approaches the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN:)
CSM (nervously puffing at a cigarette): Do you want to beat me up? Do you really?
MULDER (grinning): Oh, yes, I do.
(MULDER prepares to take a swing at the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, but before he
does, there is a little "DING-DING" noise that can just barely be heard. Distracted, both MULDER
and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN try to find the source of the noise. Finally, those little misters
that keep the produce fresh come on, except they aren't producing mist: they're producing buckets and
buckets of water. Everyone tries to get out of the way especially MARITA, who is very concerned
about ruining her hair and clothing, but pretty soon the produce aisle starts to flood. The
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN takes advantage of the opportunity to grab a cardboard box
containing cabbage, dump the cabbage on the floor or rather, into the water on the floor, get inside,
and use it as a boat to help him escape. The water is now about up to everyone's shoulders:)
SCULLY (desperately): Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway, if you're the author, then WHY THE HECK ARE YOU
THREATENING MY PAY RAISE?!?!
JANEWAY (shrugging): Idunno. Help me out of this icky water, will you?
DOGGETT (grudgingly): Oh, fine, here.
(DOGGETT swims to the plum stand which is now floating quite nicely, climbs on top of it,
and pulls JANEWAY on top. Just as he does so, we watch the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
float by in his little cardboard box, with the Lone Gunmen hanging on to its sides. Unfortunately for the
quartet, the cardboard box is taking on a significant amount of water, due to the fact that it is
cardboard, and not very valuable when it gets wet. The camera cuts away to the banana rack where
MULDER, SCULLY, KRYCEK, and MARITA are:)
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MARITA (screaming): ALEX!!
KRYCEK (concerned): Marita!! What's wrong?! Can you swim?! Are you drowning?!
MARITA (still screaming): MY DESIGNER CLOTHES ARE RUINED BY THIS DISGUSTING
WATER!!!! RUINED!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
KRYCEK: Uh, yeah, that's uh . . . just terrible, Marita.
MULDER (continuing): Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
(Suddenly, the banana rack starts to float away toward the plum stand. It bumps into the plum
stand with a violent jolt that sends KRYCEK, DOGGETT, and SCULLY into the water.)
JANEWAY: Doggett!!
DOGGETT (absolutely irate): WHAT THE HECK KIND OF A CRAZY AUTHOR ARE
YOU?!?!?!?! IF YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FAN OF MINE, WHY DO YOU PUT ME IN THESE
STUPID SITUATIONS?!?!?!?!???!?! MAKE THIS INSANITY STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARITA: Alex!!!
KRYCEK: Marita!!
MARITA: Grab onto the asparagus stand!!! It's floating pretty well!!
(KRYCEK grabs onto the asparagus stand and climbs on top.)
MULDER (reaching dramatically for SCULLY): SCULLY!!
SCULLY: MULDER!!
MULDER: Grab my hand!!
SCULLY: I can't, Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
JANEWAY: Hang on, Doggett!! Go to the asparagus stand with Krycek!! It's your best bet!!
DOGGETT: WHY DON'T YOU JUST WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT THE WATER DRAINING
OUT OF THE STORE INTO YOUR FIC?!?!?! YOU ARE THE AUTHOR, AREN'T YOU?!??!?
JANEWAY (thinking): Hey, that's actually a pretty good idea . . .
(The Lone Gunmen and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN go by in their little cardboard
box::)
LANGLY & FROHIKE (singing): . . I'm . . . Popeye the Sai-lor Man!! Popeye the Sai-lor Man!! . . .
BYERS (through clenched teeth): Shut-up!!
CSM: Do you want them to shut-up? Do you really?
MULDER: Scully!!
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Go to the asparagus stand!!
SCULLY: I can't!! The current's too strong, Mulder!!
DOGGETT: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! DO SOMETHING, CAPT. JANEWAY!!!!!!
JANEWAY (thinking): Ummm . . . okay . . . lemme see . . .
(JANEWAY whips out a little soggy notepad and a pencil and starts writing some more.
Suddenly, the water starts to drain out of the store, through the doors, and into the parking lot. Soon,
there is no water left in the produce aisle, but there is debris strewn everywhere, and all the characters
are sopping wet. MULDER and SCULLY hug:)
SCULLY: Mulder!!
MULDER: Scully!!
(KRYCEK and MARITA hug:)
MARITA: Alex!!
KRYCEK: Marita!!
(The Lone Gunmen stare at each other:)
BYERS (menacingly): Don't even THINK of hugging me, you idiots!!
LANGLY: Hey, look!! The Smoking Guy!!
FROHIKE: He's dead!!
(The Lone Gunmen walk over to where the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN is lying next to
the soggy cardboard box.)
BYERS: That's strange . . . I wonder HOW exactly he died. I didn't notice anything in particular that
could've killed him . . .
DOGGETT: That's much better. Remind me not to participate in another one of your fics if I can help
it.
JANEWAY (horrified): But, you can't do that!! I've got you in mind for my next fic!! It'll be great!!!
Please? I'll be nicer in the next one . . .
DOGGETT (unsure): I don't know . . .
JANEWAY: Please?
DOGGETT: Oh, fine. I guess it couldn't hurt.
JANEWAY: Yay!!!!! (menacingly:) Just wait until you see what I'm going to do in my NEXT fic!!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND
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Thanx!! ;)