Cruel
By Samara
Disclaimer: I no own. You no sue. I hate disclaimers
Animorphs belongs to KAA. Lyrics from "Cruel" by Tori Amos
Author's Note: I was listening to From the Choirgirl Hotel and this monologue popped into my head. Don't kill me.
so don't give me respect
don't give me a piece of your preciousness
flaunt all she's got in our old neighbourhood
I'm sure she'll make a few friends
They don't like me. I know it. Once upon a time, they admired me…admired my strength, my bravery. My willingness to run straight into battle. Those things impressed them. Ax said that I was a great warrior, Tobias loved me, and Jake—Jake knew that I could get a job done, regardless of what anyone else thought.
Now we're ripping apart at the seams, and I don't know what to do, except to be myself. Cassie looks at me with this utter revulsion, and Tobias is lost in his own world again. I think I pushed it too far with him, put too many pressures on him to become human. I want to tell him that I'm sorry, but I can't. I have a reputation. I'm Rachel, the firm, unbending, heartless, cruel Animorph. The one who would have snapped David's neck like a twig…the one that nearly got Cassie killed because of my stupid Hamlet complex…the one Crayak desperately wants to join him.
I want to run into my mothers arms and sob like a two year old and tell her that everything will be okay, tell her that Jake will make everything right again. But, dammit, Jake is wandering around like a sleepwalker, and Cassie is taxed to the max trying to keep the peace. Tobias spends all his time with his mother, which makes me jealous. I can't, for the record, believe that I'm jealous of his mother…he hasn't seen her since her was little, for Christ's sake! Still…I cannot help but think of all the times I begged him to become human, even for just an hour. I remember all the times he refused. Now, he's human all the time, and I still can't touch him. His world now contains only an alien father who never knew him and a mother who can't remember him at all. I feel like I've been dumped.
So now, I'm stuck here, being my cold, cruel self, hoping that showing my strength will give everyone else the ability to hold it together long enough to go back to the bizarre equilibrium we had before. I'll be the tough one, even though they expect me to snap first. I know I'm a bitch, an absolute ice-queen, but I also know that nobody is going to come over to my lonely spot under this tree and comfort me. I get the feeling that my days are numbered, and all I can do about it is make sure that there's a lot of blood on my hands when that time comes.
I can be cruel
I don't know why
my vine twists around your need
even the rain is sharp like today
as you sh-sh-shock me sane