SAILOR MOON RULES!
Legal Disclaimers:
Sailor Moon® and all associated characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, DiC, Cloverway, Kid Rhino, and a bunch of other big companies. I don't own them, I don't claim to own them, and I am EXPRESSLY making sure that everyone knows I don't own them! Every morning I open my window and lean out and yell "I DON'T OWN SAILOR MOON!" Because I don't. It's the truth. Don't sue me.
I deny any accusations of plagiarism, because I'm not stupid enough to steal other people's ideas when I have perfectly good ideas myself.
Jedi®, Light Sabers®, X-Wings® and the Force® all® belong® to® the® Star Wars® universe®, which® belongs® to® George® Lucas® (oops). I don't own Star Wars®, or anything from it. If I did, I'd have enough money not to be sitting at this computer writing Sailor Moon® fanfiction.
Monkey Island 4: Escape from Monkey Island® belongs to LucasArts, which also belongs to George Lucas. (He seems to own EVERYTHING!)
Sixteen-ton weights® belong to the ACME corporation, which I'm pretty sure belongs to Warner Brothers. If I make any references to Looney Toons® then they belong to WB too.
Borrowers belong to the person who wrote the book and the people who made the movie.
References to gremlins are based on the movie, Gremlins, and even though I don't know who owns it, I know that I sure don't.
Hanson belongs to Hanson, so does their CD title and their songs. I don't think they'll be reading Sailor Moon fiction anyway, but just in case…
Rini® belongs to Neo-Queen Serenity and King Darien/Endymion. (Are you sure? Red eyes and a close relationship with Pluto make people wonder….)
Episode Two: Tensai shoujoha youma nano? Kyoufuno sennoujuku
(Sound of dubbing company president yelling, "OK, WHO KEEPS FORGETTING TO TRANSLATE THE TITLES?" Three little gremlins run past, all holding Sailor Moon dolls and grinning evilly.)
Episode Two: Incomprehensible! The intellectual adolescent with cerulean tresses arrives!
Serena stares at the title screen. "Um, what does this mean?"
Luna sighs. "The first one is 'Genius Girl a Monster? Scary Brain-Washing Cram School.' The second one is 'Incomprehensible! The smart girl with blue hair arrives!'"
"Oh." Serena shrugs. "I knew that!"
Luna sighs again, even deeper.
It had been barely hours since their first great battle with the Negaverse. Sailor was sitting on her bed, kicking her feet, and Luna, looking annoyed, was staring out of the window. The air in the room was tense, as well as, (cough cough) smelly!
There was silence for a few minutes as the two pointedly did not look at each other.
"It's not my fault I forgot how you transform back," Luna said finally.
There was some more silence.
Sailor rolled her eyes, and replied, "And it's not my fault I left an entire pepperoni pizza under the bed for a month."
Luna started to reply that actually that was Serena's fault, but changed her mind. "How in the world are we going to get you to transform back?"
Sailor giggled. "I've got an idea! How about I just stay this way, and tell everyone that I'm really Serena!"
Luna stared at her. "That won't work for two reasons. First of all, then everyone would know who you are. Second of all, the author wouldn't be able to make any more jokes about you transforming."
"Zak Ickey Tayloooooor, this timay arooouuuund," Sailor sounded out.
"What are you doing?"
"Reading the cue cards."
Luna stared in the direction Sailor was looking, and sighed. "Sailor, those aren't cue cards, they're your posters for Hanson's new CD."
"Who?" Sailor stared at the cat, who turned bright red. She crawled under Sailor's bed, gagging at the sight of the month-old pizza, and pulled out her copy of The Rules Of Anime. Quickly flipping to the chapter about breaking ethnic barriers, she read the list of character punishments. "Ooh, that's quite nasty. Hmm. OK, ethnic barriers do NOT extend to musical groups. Phew." She crawled back out from under the bed.
"Luna, what's that?" Sailor asked, pointing behind the cat. Luna turned, and saw a glowing white light in the shape of an orb come to rest on the floor. As the light died away, they realized…
"It's a bookmark!" Luna said joyfully. The bookmark slid across the floor, and right into the pages of the giant rulebook. Luna immediately flipped to the page, noting that the bookmark read "STORY CONTINUITY", and stopped at the page it indicated.
"Sailor! This says that all you have to do is get within viewing distance of another human bean!"
"Bean?" Sailor giggled. "Are you a borrower, Luna?"
"Oh, hush up," Luna snapped. "Now call your brother in."
"Sammy!"
There was a few moments of silence, then a boy's voice yelled, "Who's calling me?"
Sailor sighed. "GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE YOU LITTLE FILTHY BRAT!"
"Coming, Serena!"
Sailor smiled, and her transformation shimmered away as Sammy climbed the stairs. A second before he entered the room, Serena realized that the only clothes left to her after her transformation were a big pair of smiley-face boxer shorts and a large green apron that said "Kiss the Cook" in neon pink letters.
"Serena?" Sammy stared at his oddly-arrayed sister. "Um, what did you want?"
"GO AWAY, BRAT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?" Serena shrieked. Sammy shrugged, and left.
"LUUUUUUNAAAAAA!" Serena started to wail, staring at her clothing, but Luna shrugged.
"Serena, I think that from now on, whenever you transform back, you'll get a random yet decent amount of clothing. Don't wear anything too expensive from now on, 'cause you'll never get it back."
Serena started to wail. "But I want my clothes!" She took in a deep breath. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Several huge balls of sweat appeared on Luna's head as she watched the supposed savior of the universe turn blue, because she had once again forgotten to breathe.
"Seriously, Luna, I think you're getting sick!" Serena abruptly stopped crying and picked up a towel. "I'm going to have to take you to the vet."
"Are you serious?" Luna cried in outrage. "That vet's a quack! Have you any idea what they do with those instruments called 'thermometers?'"
As the argument continued, a huge tiara appeared from nowhere and crushed them both, bringing with it an abrupt change of scenery.
"Hey, Jedi!" Neophyte called to his fellow general.
"Oh, hi," Jedi said, crawling out from under his X-wing. He wiped some of the oil off his face with the rough brown sleeve of his robe, and started to set the wrench he had been holding down, but changed his mind for some obscure reason. "Whatcha up to, Neophyte?"
"I'm bored." Neophyte sighed. "Kunzite and Zoicite are taking Miqueen for a walk, and you're fixing your X-wing. I don't have anything to do."
Jedi smiled an evil grin. "I wonder what will happen to that pair when we're dubbed in another country and she's male again."
Neophyte grinned as well, and the two of them burst into evil snickers as they imagined Malachite dodging flying ice spears as Zoicite wreaked her wrath upon him.
"Well, I'm due to start plotting today's monster du jour." Jedi looked at his watch. "Uh-oh, I'm late!" He looked around the still and quiet Negaverse, and then sighed. "Why do we even have a schedule? It's not like we have to plan attacks around our exciting bowling night or something."
Neophyte shrugged. "It's just one of those things. I've been rereading the book of The Rules Of Anime, and I've discovered some pretty interesting things to help me survive longer, with as little annoyance as possible."
"Like what?"
"Like, never, ever hold a heavy object in my hand for more than a few minutes."
Jedi was so surprised by this, he dropped the wrench onto his own foot. "OUCH!"
"Rule 463134," Neophyte said, as Jedi hopped around the room in pain.
"Ouch!" Jedi stopped hopping, leaned against the X-Wing, and tried to stop his face from contorting in pain again. "What other rules have you discovered?"
Neophyte grinned. "Oh, most of it's boring, really." Then he stared very hard at Jedi. "Why don't you go attack somebody now?"
Jedi smiled. "That's a great idea!" He jumped into his X-Wing and flew away.
Neophyte snickered to himself. "The more that idiot attacks humans, the sooner I'll get to put my plan into action. He'll be gone within days. I'll have MY turn. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
Somewhere not too far away, a very loud crash and explosion was heard. Nephrite snickered; apparently, Jedi forgot that he hadn't finished fixing his X-wing before he flew off into the sunset. "Oh yes, I'll get to put my plan into action very, very soon."
Somewhere not too far away, another familiar yet foggy voice whispered, "The sooner those idiots get out of the way, the sooner I'll get to put my plan into action." Childish laughter was heard, as eeeeeeevil music played loudly in the background.
Serena turned to look at Molly. "How did I get to school so fast?"
"Wha'?" Molly stared at her good friend.
"Just a sec ago, I was talking with Luna, last night. Now it's this morning and only a few seconds have passed!" Serena shook her head. "I'm confused…"
"Hey, look Serena!" Molly said, pointing at a small blue-haired girl walking past. "See dat blue-haired goil?"
Serena stared around. "Oh, her?" She pointed to the girl in question.
Molly sighed. "No, da udder blue-haired goil," she said sarcastically.
Serena stared at her friend, trying to translate that. "Whadjasay?"
"No, the other blue-haired girl," Molly repeated normally.
"Really? Where?" Serena looked around, and saw several blue-haired people around her. "That one? Or that one?"
Molly, realizing that her joke was ruined, pointed at the first one. "Her. Her name is Amy, and she's a transfer student from a really brainy cram school."
Serena stared at the shy girl. "Why'd she get transferred?"
"I think it's because she got into too many fights." Molly said, then realized that she hadn't used her accent in three lines. "I godda go, Serena. See ya 'roun!" She left.
At that same moment, Amy bumped into one of the biggest school bullies in the entire Crossroads Junior High. Her books were knocked to the ground.
"Hey!" The bully said loudly. Amy stared up at him, seemingly cool and calm. "You knocked into me on purpose! Are you trying to attack me?"
Amy drew in a deep breath, then started to speak so fast and calmly that it made Serena's head spin. "I apologize for my unwary proximity to your maladroit person whilst toting a substantial load of tomes, however, I must formally insist that the cause of our awkward collision was caused by my blunder, but rather by your inherent gaucheness and ineptness, and therefore I am obliged to insist that the admission of guilt and request for amnesty should set forth from your person, not from my own."
The bully blinked at her for a moment. "Um, uh…" Apparently not wishing to divulge his lack of intelligence to his peers (Augh! Now I'VE caught it!) he decided to go with his natural instincts and fight. "You're gonna pay for that you little wimp!" He rushed at the girl, fists flailing.
Amy ducked under the flying fist with surprising dexterity, and reached up and gently tweaked a nerve on the back of the bully's neck. His muscles locked, and he fell to the floor, completely paralyzed.
"Forgive me," murmured the blue-haired student, gather her books up and walking away.
Serena stared after her. "Wow."
After school, and detention, which Amy had kindly offered to wait through for Serena, the two girls were walking to the Game Corner. They were quickly becoming fast friends; after all, they had SO much in common. Don't you think?
"And there's this cute guy named Andrew, who-" Serena was saying as the sliding doors opened in front of them. Then she stopped, and she got huge hearts in her eyes. Amy, having already figured out what drove Serena, turned, expecting to see Andrew, but instead saw only a brand new, shining Sailor V video game. Immediately, Serena was shoving as many quarters- er, yen- no, um, COINS into the slot as possible, and moments later she was lost in Sailor V-land.
Amy looked over Serena's shoulder for a moment, but got bored watching her die twenty times in a row. So, she looked at some of the other games, and finally ended up at the claw machine.
"Gee, I think I'll try this one." She pushed a qu- COIN, into the slot, and positioned the claw just right. Then, with a press of a button, she caught the prize, and dropped it into the prize slot. "I won a pen!" She said happily, taking out the blue stick from the prize slot. "That's funny, it's not a pen, but it has this strange gold and blue thing… What's this sticker say? 'Safety Caution: Bubbles are none-toxic, but may be harmful to your vision.'" (Don't believe me? In the manga, she DOES get the Mercury Wand from the claw machine! Check it out!) She turned to talk to Serena, ignoring the complaints of the three-eyed green toys in the machine.
"Mroww?" A blackish-blue cat stalked into the room.
"Luna?" Serena stared at her pet. "I thought you were just black. Now you look blackish-blue!" (Didn't I just say that?)
"That's because I nearly got hit by ten cars, two trucks and a bus! That street out there is like the highway from H-" She stopped, then spoke again. "-The highway at rush hour."
"Aiiii! A talking cat!" Amy screeched, staring in wonder and fear at Luna. Then, she ran outside, screaming and waving her arms. There was the sound of several cars screeching to a halt, and glass breaking.
Luna's jaw dropped to the floor. (Not an easy feat, as she was sitting on Serena's shoulder.) "B-b-b-but it says in the rulebook that innocent bystanders can't notice me!"
"Maybe she isn't!" Serena said craftily. Luna nodded wisely, until Serena added. "A bystander. Maybe she isn't a bystander. Whatever that is." Luna face-faulted. Serena bent down, picked the feline up and brushed her off. "Luna, I don't care, but if you don't stop doing that I won't put you anywhere up high anymore! It could be hazardous to your health!"
Luna sighed, and a small cloud came out of her mouth.
"Whoa, didn't think it was that cold in here! You can see your breath!" Serena giggled and blew out, crossing her eyes to see her breath. Several plants died as the blast hit them, but Serena didn't notice.
"Never mind that!" Luna started to sigh again, decided against it, and continued. "If she noticed me talking, she must be an enemy! Quick! After her!"
Jedi watched as the last of the students came inside the large cram school building. "OK, now attack and steal all their energy!"
The monster saluted, and leapt down into the school.
Several students looked up at it, smiled, whispered "The new biology experiments," and went back to their work. A few stood up and started to walk towards the monster, scalpels in one hand and microscope slides in the other. The monster gulped; today was not turning out to be a good day.
"Quickly, Serena, transform!" Luna commanded her young charge. "Amy just went in this building, and I feel like there's a whole lot of evil energy!"
Serena reached down and petted her cat. "Actually, you feel like a whole lot of fur. But whatever you say!" She reached her broach to the sky. The air around her tingled with anticipation. "Um, Luna? What do I say again?"
"MOON!" Luna screamed in frustration.
"Oh yeah! MOON!" Immediately her jeans and shirt disappeared, and her uniform appeared in its place. Finally she was glued in a brave, heroic pose, as triumphant music played.
"Alright, let's go!" Luna shouted, and raced into the building. A second later, Luna came racing back out. "Aren't you coming?"
Sailor coughed, and smiled just a bit. "Didn't you hear? I'm GLUED here, I can't fight evil!"
"That's just an expression." Luna said, wishing that the destined savior of the world had been someone with a higher IQ than her favorite food. "Just come on!"
"Right!" Once again, Luna raced into the building, with Serena right behind her.
"I WON!" Sailor squealed as she entered the classroom, jumping up and down until she accidentally tripped on one of the drained bodies.
"What do you mean?" Luna asked, panting. "You won what?"
"Didn't you hear? We raced into the building, and I won!"
Luna sighed, and growled, "Mihoshi…"
"It's Serena," corrected Sailor. "But I think I have a cousin named Mihoshi."
"Just as I thought." Luna said with a snicker. Then she cleared her throat. "Are you not going to address the monster, Sailor?"
The monster suddenly noticed them. It hadn't noticed the two before, because they had been so quiet. Usually superheroes were supposed to yell great speeches before they attacked.
"How dare you attack these brainy nerds!" Sailor called out.
"Hey!" One of the drained bodies protested. Luna quickly sat on his head, just so Sailor could get on with it.
"I am the champion of justice, Sailor! And in the name of the-" Now, if Serena's memory had been what it should be, then she would have known better. However..."-the name of the Moon, I-" The second she said the word, she started to spin, and her gloves and clothes disappeared, and then reappeared.
"What in the world?" A blue-haired head popped up from behind a wrecked desk. At the same time, the monster started to toss bolts of black lightning at Sailor, and pummel her with large, heavy books.
Luna stared at the blue-headed girl. Then, taking out her copy of The Rules of Anime, she quickly flipped through to the chapter on secondary characters and heroes. She flipped back a page, then forward three pages, completely ignoring the screams of pain and crashes coming from the battle scene. She licked her paw, and leisurely turned the page again, ignoring the shadow that passed over the book as Sailor was tossed over her head. Finally, she found the rule she was looking for.
"Hey, you! Blue hair freak!" She called. Amy was reading a book, and only barely looked up. "Yeah, you! Do you have a blue stick?"
Amy nodded, then went back to her book, ignoring the rest of the cat's comments. After all, this was a really good book! Finally, she heard a loud thunk as Sailor hit the wall Amy was leaning against, and fell into the genius girl's lap.
"Heh heh heh," Sailor faked a laugh. "HELP ME YOU IDIOT!" The monster stalked over to Amy. The small girl looked up.
"Does this belong to you?" she asked of the monster, holding out Sailor's arm. The monster grinned, showing several rows of fangs, and grabbed the blonde's arm.
"Here we go again," Sailor muttered as the monster again swung her in a big circle.
Luna trotted over to the reading girl. "Listen," she said loudly, sitting on the girl's book, "if you are ever going to get some time to read, you need to help defeat the monster. Take your blue stick, and call out, 'Mercury Power, Makeup!'"
Amy sighed. The cat was right; she'd never be able to get some peace and quiet now. She might as well do what the cat said. So, taking the stick out of her pocket, she held it in the air, and said, "Mercury Power, Makeup!"
Blue rings of water gathered themselves above Amy's head as her school dress disappeared. She spun and danced for a moment, expectantly eyeing the two-foot sphere of water above her head. Finally, when she could spin and dance no more, the water dropped down on her, soaking her.
She thought about striking a pose, but instead opted for choking, coughing, and spitting out the water she had swallowed.
"Mercury!" Luna cried. Literally, because Mercury was standing on the cat's tail.
"Oh, sorry." Mercury moved a step away. Then, she saw that the monster was now jumping up and down on top of Sailor's prone body. "Ow, that looks painful." She watched for a moment more, then smiled. "This is better than a Jackie Chan movie any day!" She slid back into a sitting position, and watched with a smile on her face.
"MERCURY, DO SOMETHING!" Luna screeched.
"Like what?" Mercury asked, laughing as Sailor went flying over their heads once more.
"Say 'Shabon Spr-' Ulp! I mean, 'Mercury Bubbles Blast!'"
Mercury gave her a strange look. "Whatever you say, you're the cat." She stood, and faced the monster. "Mercury Bubble Bath!" She yelled. Immediately a shower of soapy, perfumed bubbles came pouring down on the monster.
"Yuck! It smells… Sweet! EEEEWWW!" The monster started shrieking . "Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!!!" She started trying to knock the bubbles off of her, as the perfumed scent was making her dizzy.
"Now Sailor!" Luna called. There was no answer. "NOW Sailor!" Again, no answer. Luna turned around to see a very beaten and bruised Sailor flirting with one of the previously drained bodies. "SAILOR!"
"Huh?" Sailor looked up.
"Attack it!"
"Oh, right. Big White Orb In The Sky Tiara Magic!" She started to throw her tiara, when a hand on her arm stopped her. Mercury was looking at her like she was insane; which, actually, probably wasn't too far from the truth, but that's not the point.
"How about you just make it Stardust Tiara Magic?" she asked.
"Oh, no, that'd be mixing the original and the dub," Luna puts in her two cents.
"So? The dub is supposed to steal the bad ideas and change the good ones."
"Good point." Luna nods to Sailor .
"Great! Stardust Tiara Magic!" The Tiara Magic formerly known as Big White Orb In The Sky, ("Ooh," Mercury groaned, "that's not even close to funny,") hit the monster full force. The monster groaned, threw up (its arms) and dissolved into dust.
"Cool!" Mercury stared openmouthed at the destruction done.
"Cool?" Sailor asked, staring at the carnage, then staring at the purpling bruises forming on her own skin. She tilted her head to the side. "Yeah, it is kinda cool."
"So, how do we transform back?" Amy asked, staring at Serena. Suddenly, she realized that she wasn't Sailor Mercury anymore. "Cool, I'm not Sailor Mercury anymore!"
"You never were Sailor Mercury," Serena giggled. "You weren't once during this story called by your full title." She looked down at herself and frowned; her coordinated outfit that she had had on when she transformed was now neon green baggy pants, and a tight black blazer, with a denim baseball cap to top it all off.
"Oh shucks." Amy looked around the room at the drained bodies that were waking up. "Say, how about we get out of here and eat some ice cream!"
"Sounds great!" Serena completely forgot about her strange outfit and stars were in her eyes. "Make mine triple chocolate fudge chip!"
Both girls exited, giggling, followed by a cat who was really hoping that she didn't have two complete ditz's on her hands, er, paws.
Sailor Moon Says:
"Hiya! This is Sailor again! I don't know why this is called Sailor You-Know-What Says, when I'm not… that name anymore. For some reason, this adventure ("Misadventure," Luna pipes up,) wasn't as satisfying as the last one. Maybe it's because I didn't see Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask. Oh well, I did meet that cool anonymous drained body, but it's just not the same.
Huh? Oh yeah! Well, our moral message for today is: Never let your pets cross the street by themselves!
Sailor says, hee hee!"
Japanese phrase for today:
"Kuristumasu Turi"
Translation:
"Christmas Tree"
Legal Disclaimers:
Sailor Moon® and all associated characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, DiC, Cloverway, Kid Rhino, and a bunch of other big companies. I don't own them, I don't claim to own them, and I am EXPRESSLY making sure that everyone knows I don't own them! Every morning I open my window and lean out and yell "I DON'T OWN SAILOR MOON!" Because I don't. It's the truth. Don't sue me.
I deny any accusations of plagiarism, because I'm not stupid enough to steal other people's ideas when I have perfectly good ideas myself.
Jedi®, Light Sabers®, X-Wings® and the Force® all® belong® to® the® Star Wars® universe®, which® belongs® to® George® Lucas® (oops). I don't own Star Wars®, or anything from it. If I did, I'd have enough money not to be sitting at this computer writing Sailor Moon® fanfiction.
Monkey Island 4: Escape from Monkey Island® belongs to LucasArts, which also belongs to George Lucas. (He seems to own EVERYTHING!)
Sixteen-ton weights® belong to the ACME corporation, which I'm pretty sure belongs to Warner Brothers. If I make any references to Looney Toons® then they belong to WB too.
Borrowers belong to the person who wrote the book and the people who made the movie.
References to gremlins are based on the movie, Gremlins, and even though I don't know who owns it, I know that I sure don't.
Hanson belongs to Hanson, so does their CD title and their songs. I don't think they'll be reading Sailor Moon fiction anyway, but just in case…
Rini® belongs to Neo-Queen Serenity and King Darien/Endymion. (Are you sure? Red eyes and a close relationship with Pluto make people wonder….)
Episode Two: Tensai shoujoha youma nano? Kyoufuno sennoujuku
(Sound of dubbing company president yelling, "OK, WHO KEEPS FORGETTING TO TRANSLATE THE TITLES?" Three little gremlins run past, all holding Sailor Moon dolls and grinning evilly.)
Episode Two: Incomprehensible! The intellectual adolescent with cerulean tresses arrives!
Serena stares at the title screen. "Um, what does this mean?"
Luna sighs. "The first one is 'Genius Girl a Monster? Scary Brain-Washing Cram School.' The second one is 'Incomprehensible! The smart girl with blue hair arrives!'"
"Oh." Serena shrugs. "I knew that!"
Luna sighs again, even deeper.
It had been barely hours since their first great battle with the Negaverse. Sailor was sitting on her bed, kicking her feet, and Luna, looking annoyed, was staring out of the window. The air in the room was tense, as well as, (cough cough) smelly!
There was silence for a few minutes as the two pointedly did not look at each other.
"It's not my fault I forgot how you transform back," Luna said finally.
There was some more silence.
Sailor rolled her eyes, and replied, "And it's not my fault I left an entire pepperoni pizza under the bed for a month."
Luna started to reply that actually that was Serena's fault, but changed her mind. "How in the world are we going to get you to transform back?"
Sailor giggled. "I've got an idea! How about I just stay this way, and tell everyone that I'm really Serena!"
Luna stared at her. "That won't work for two reasons. First of all, then everyone would know who you are. Second of all, the author wouldn't be able to make any more jokes about you transforming."
"Zak Ickey Tayloooooor, this timay arooouuuund," Sailor sounded out.
"What are you doing?"
"Reading the cue cards."
Luna stared in the direction Sailor was looking, and sighed. "Sailor, those aren't cue cards, they're your posters for Hanson's new CD."
"Who?" Sailor stared at the cat, who turned bright red. She crawled under Sailor's bed, gagging at the sight of the month-old pizza, and pulled out her copy of The Rules Of Anime. Quickly flipping to the chapter about breaking ethnic barriers, she read the list of character punishments. "Ooh, that's quite nasty. Hmm. OK, ethnic barriers do NOT extend to musical groups. Phew." She crawled back out from under the bed.
"Luna, what's that?" Sailor asked, pointing behind the cat. Luna turned, and saw a glowing white light in the shape of an orb come to rest on the floor. As the light died away, they realized…
"It's a bookmark!" Luna said joyfully. The bookmark slid across the floor, and right into the pages of the giant rulebook. Luna immediately flipped to the page, noting that the bookmark read "STORY CONTINUITY", and stopped at the page it indicated.
"Sailor! This says that all you have to do is get within viewing distance of another human bean!"
"Bean?" Sailor giggled. "Are you a borrower, Luna?"
"Oh, hush up," Luna snapped. "Now call your brother in."
"Sammy!"
There was a few moments of silence, then a boy's voice yelled, "Who's calling me?"
Sailor sighed. "GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE YOU LITTLE FILTHY BRAT!"
"Coming, Serena!"
Sailor smiled, and her transformation shimmered away as Sammy climbed the stairs. A second before he entered the room, Serena realized that the only clothes left to her after her transformation were a big pair of smiley-face boxer shorts and a large green apron that said "Kiss the Cook" in neon pink letters.
"Serena?" Sammy stared at his oddly-arrayed sister. "Um, what did you want?"
"GO AWAY, BRAT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?" Serena shrieked. Sammy shrugged, and left.
"LUUUUUUNAAAAAA!" Serena started to wail, staring at her clothing, but Luna shrugged.
"Serena, I think that from now on, whenever you transform back, you'll get a random yet decent amount of clothing. Don't wear anything too expensive from now on, 'cause you'll never get it back."
Serena started to wail. "But I want my clothes!" She took in a deep breath. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Several huge balls of sweat appeared on Luna's head as she watched the supposed savior of the universe turn blue, because she had once again forgotten to breathe.
"Seriously, Luna, I think you're getting sick!" Serena abruptly stopped crying and picked up a towel. "I'm going to have to take you to the vet."
"Are you serious?" Luna cried in outrage. "That vet's a quack! Have you any idea what they do with those instruments called 'thermometers?'"
As the argument continued, a huge tiara appeared from nowhere and crushed them both, bringing with it an abrupt change of scenery.
"Hey, Jedi!" Neophyte called to his fellow general.
"Oh, hi," Jedi said, crawling out from under his X-wing. He wiped some of the oil off his face with the rough brown sleeve of his robe, and started to set the wrench he had been holding down, but changed his mind for some obscure reason. "Whatcha up to, Neophyte?"
"I'm bored." Neophyte sighed. "Kunzite and Zoicite are taking Miqueen for a walk, and you're fixing your X-wing. I don't have anything to do."
Jedi smiled an evil grin. "I wonder what will happen to that pair when we're dubbed in another country and she's male again."
Neophyte grinned as well, and the two of them burst into evil snickers as they imagined Malachite dodging flying ice spears as Zoicite wreaked her wrath upon him.
"Well, I'm due to start plotting today's monster du jour." Jedi looked at his watch. "Uh-oh, I'm late!" He looked around the still and quiet Negaverse, and then sighed. "Why do we even have a schedule? It's not like we have to plan attacks around our exciting bowling night or something."
Neophyte shrugged. "It's just one of those things. I've been rereading the book of The Rules Of Anime, and I've discovered some pretty interesting things to help me survive longer, with as little annoyance as possible."
"Like what?"
"Like, never, ever hold a heavy object in my hand for more than a few minutes."
Jedi was so surprised by this, he dropped the wrench onto his own foot. "OUCH!"
"Rule 463134," Neophyte said, as Jedi hopped around the room in pain.
"Ouch!" Jedi stopped hopping, leaned against the X-Wing, and tried to stop his face from contorting in pain again. "What other rules have you discovered?"
Neophyte grinned. "Oh, most of it's boring, really." Then he stared very hard at Jedi. "Why don't you go attack somebody now?"
Jedi smiled. "That's a great idea!" He jumped into his X-Wing and flew away.
Neophyte snickered to himself. "The more that idiot attacks humans, the sooner I'll get to put my plan into action. He'll be gone within days. I'll have MY turn. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
Somewhere not too far away, a very loud crash and explosion was heard. Nephrite snickered; apparently, Jedi forgot that he hadn't finished fixing his X-wing before he flew off into the sunset. "Oh yes, I'll get to put my plan into action very, very soon."
Somewhere not too far away, another familiar yet foggy voice whispered, "The sooner those idiots get out of the way, the sooner I'll get to put my plan into action." Childish laughter was heard, as eeeeeeevil music played loudly in the background.
Serena turned to look at Molly. "How did I get to school so fast?"
"Wha'?" Molly stared at her good friend.
"Just a sec ago, I was talking with Luna, last night. Now it's this morning and only a few seconds have passed!" Serena shook her head. "I'm confused…"
"Hey, look Serena!" Molly said, pointing at a small blue-haired girl walking past. "See dat blue-haired goil?"
Serena stared around. "Oh, her?" She pointed to the girl in question.
Molly sighed. "No, da udder blue-haired goil," she said sarcastically.
Serena stared at her friend, trying to translate that. "Whadjasay?"
"No, the other blue-haired girl," Molly repeated normally.
"Really? Where?" Serena looked around, and saw several blue-haired people around her. "That one? Or that one?"
Molly, realizing that her joke was ruined, pointed at the first one. "Her. Her name is Amy, and she's a transfer student from a really brainy cram school."
Serena stared at the shy girl. "Why'd she get transferred?"
"I think it's because she got into too many fights." Molly said, then realized that she hadn't used her accent in three lines. "I godda go, Serena. See ya 'roun!" She left.
At that same moment, Amy bumped into one of the biggest school bullies in the entire Crossroads Junior High. Her books were knocked to the ground.
"Hey!" The bully said loudly. Amy stared up at him, seemingly cool and calm. "You knocked into me on purpose! Are you trying to attack me?"
Amy drew in a deep breath, then started to speak so fast and calmly that it made Serena's head spin. "I apologize for my unwary proximity to your maladroit person whilst toting a substantial load of tomes, however, I must formally insist that the cause of our awkward collision was caused by my blunder, but rather by your inherent gaucheness and ineptness, and therefore I am obliged to insist that the admission of guilt and request for amnesty should set forth from your person, not from my own."
The bully blinked at her for a moment. "Um, uh…" Apparently not wishing to divulge his lack of intelligence to his peers (Augh! Now I'VE caught it!) he decided to go with his natural instincts and fight. "You're gonna pay for that you little wimp!" He rushed at the girl, fists flailing.
Amy ducked under the flying fist with surprising dexterity, and reached up and gently tweaked a nerve on the back of the bully's neck. His muscles locked, and he fell to the floor, completely paralyzed.
"Forgive me," murmured the blue-haired student, gather her books up and walking away.
Serena stared after her. "Wow."
After school, and detention, which Amy had kindly offered to wait through for Serena, the two girls were walking to the Game Corner. They were quickly becoming fast friends; after all, they had SO much in common. Don't you think?
"And there's this cute guy named Andrew, who-" Serena was saying as the sliding doors opened in front of them. Then she stopped, and she got huge hearts in her eyes. Amy, having already figured out what drove Serena, turned, expecting to see Andrew, but instead saw only a brand new, shining Sailor V video game. Immediately, Serena was shoving as many quarters- er, yen- no, um, COINS into the slot as possible, and moments later she was lost in Sailor V-land.
Amy looked over Serena's shoulder for a moment, but got bored watching her die twenty times in a row. So, she looked at some of the other games, and finally ended up at the claw machine.
"Gee, I think I'll try this one." She pushed a qu- COIN, into the slot, and positioned the claw just right. Then, with a press of a button, she caught the prize, and dropped it into the prize slot. "I won a pen!" She said happily, taking out the blue stick from the prize slot. "That's funny, it's not a pen, but it has this strange gold and blue thing… What's this sticker say? 'Safety Caution: Bubbles are none-toxic, but may be harmful to your vision.'" (Don't believe me? In the manga, she DOES get the Mercury Wand from the claw machine! Check it out!) She turned to talk to Serena, ignoring the complaints of the three-eyed green toys in the machine.
"Mroww?" A blackish-blue cat stalked into the room.
"Luna?" Serena stared at her pet. "I thought you were just black. Now you look blackish-blue!" (Didn't I just say that?)
"That's because I nearly got hit by ten cars, two trucks and a bus! That street out there is like the highway from H-" She stopped, then spoke again. "-The highway at rush hour."
"Aiiii! A talking cat!" Amy screeched, staring in wonder and fear at Luna. Then, she ran outside, screaming and waving her arms. There was the sound of several cars screeching to a halt, and glass breaking.
Luna's jaw dropped to the floor. (Not an easy feat, as she was sitting on Serena's shoulder.) "B-b-b-but it says in the rulebook that innocent bystanders can't notice me!"
"Maybe she isn't!" Serena said craftily. Luna nodded wisely, until Serena added. "A bystander. Maybe she isn't a bystander. Whatever that is." Luna face-faulted. Serena bent down, picked the feline up and brushed her off. "Luna, I don't care, but if you don't stop doing that I won't put you anywhere up high anymore! It could be hazardous to your health!"
Luna sighed, and a small cloud came out of her mouth.
"Whoa, didn't think it was that cold in here! You can see your breath!" Serena giggled and blew out, crossing her eyes to see her breath. Several plants died as the blast hit them, but Serena didn't notice.
"Never mind that!" Luna started to sigh again, decided against it, and continued. "If she noticed me talking, she must be an enemy! Quick! After her!"
Jedi watched as the last of the students came inside the large cram school building. "OK, now attack and steal all their energy!"
The monster saluted, and leapt down into the school.
Several students looked up at it, smiled, whispered "The new biology experiments," and went back to their work. A few stood up and started to walk towards the monster, scalpels in one hand and microscope slides in the other. The monster gulped; today was not turning out to be a good day.
"Quickly, Serena, transform!" Luna commanded her young charge. "Amy just went in this building, and I feel like there's a whole lot of evil energy!"
Serena reached down and petted her cat. "Actually, you feel like a whole lot of fur. But whatever you say!" She reached her broach to the sky. The air around her tingled with anticipation. "Um, Luna? What do I say again?"
"MOON!" Luna screamed in frustration.
"Oh yeah! MOON!" Immediately her jeans and shirt disappeared, and her uniform appeared in its place. Finally she was glued in a brave, heroic pose, as triumphant music played.
"Alright, let's go!" Luna shouted, and raced into the building. A second later, Luna came racing back out. "Aren't you coming?"
Sailor coughed, and smiled just a bit. "Didn't you hear? I'm GLUED here, I can't fight evil!"
"That's just an expression." Luna said, wishing that the destined savior of the world had been someone with a higher IQ than her favorite food. "Just come on!"
"Right!" Once again, Luna raced into the building, with Serena right behind her.
"I WON!" Sailor squealed as she entered the classroom, jumping up and down until she accidentally tripped on one of the drained bodies.
"What do you mean?" Luna asked, panting. "You won what?"
"Didn't you hear? We raced into the building, and I won!"
Luna sighed, and growled, "Mihoshi…"
"It's Serena," corrected Sailor. "But I think I have a cousin named Mihoshi."
"Just as I thought." Luna said with a snicker. Then she cleared her throat. "Are you not going to address the monster, Sailor?"
The monster suddenly noticed them. It hadn't noticed the two before, because they had been so quiet. Usually superheroes were supposed to yell great speeches before they attacked.
"How dare you attack these brainy nerds!" Sailor called out.
"Hey!" One of the drained bodies protested. Luna quickly sat on his head, just so Sailor could get on with it.
"I am the champion of justice, Sailor! And in the name of the-" Now, if Serena's memory had been what it should be, then she would have known better. However..."-the name of the Moon, I-" The second she said the word, she started to spin, and her gloves and clothes disappeared, and then reappeared.
"What in the world?" A blue-haired head popped up from behind a wrecked desk. At the same time, the monster started to toss bolts of black lightning at Sailor, and pummel her with large, heavy books.
Luna stared at the blue-headed girl. Then, taking out her copy of The Rules of Anime, she quickly flipped through to the chapter on secondary characters and heroes. She flipped back a page, then forward three pages, completely ignoring the screams of pain and crashes coming from the battle scene. She licked her paw, and leisurely turned the page again, ignoring the shadow that passed over the book as Sailor was tossed over her head. Finally, she found the rule she was looking for.
"Hey, you! Blue hair freak!" She called. Amy was reading a book, and only barely looked up. "Yeah, you! Do you have a blue stick?"
Amy nodded, then went back to her book, ignoring the rest of the cat's comments. After all, this was a really good book! Finally, she heard a loud thunk as Sailor hit the wall Amy was leaning against, and fell into the genius girl's lap.
"Heh heh heh," Sailor faked a laugh. "HELP ME YOU IDIOT!" The monster stalked over to Amy. The small girl looked up.
"Does this belong to you?" she asked of the monster, holding out Sailor's arm. The monster grinned, showing several rows of fangs, and grabbed the blonde's arm.
"Here we go again," Sailor muttered as the monster again swung her in a big circle.
Luna trotted over to the reading girl. "Listen," she said loudly, sitting on the girl's book, "if you are ever going to get some time to read, you need to help defeat the monster. Take your blue stick, and call out, 'Mercury Power, Makeup!'"
Amy sighed. The cat was right; she'd never be able to get some peace and quiet now. She might as well do what the cat said. So, taking the stick out of her pocket, she held it in the air, and said, "Mercury Power, Makeup!"
Blue rings of water gathered themselves above Amy's head as her school dress disappeared. She spun and danced for a moment, expectantly eyeing the two-foot sphere of water above her head. Finally, when she could spin and dance no more, the water dropped down on her, soaking her.
She thought about striking a pose, but instead opted for choking, coughing, and spitting out the water she had swallowed.
"Mercury!" Luna cried. Literally, because Mercury was standing on the cat's tail.
"Oh, sorry." Mercury moved a step away. Then, she saw that the monster was now jumping up and down on top of Sailor's prone body. "Ow, that looks painful." She watched for a moment more, then smiled. "This is better than a Jackie Chan movie any day!" She slid back into a sitting position, and watched with a smile on her face.
"MERCURY, DO SOMETHING!" Luna screeched.
"Like what?" Mercury asked, laughing as Sailor went flying over their heads once more.
"Say 'Shabon Spr-' Ulp! I mean, 'Mercury Bubbles Blast!'"
Mercury gave her a strange look. "Whatever you say, you're the cat." She stood, and faced the monster. "Mercury Bubble Bath!" She yelled. Immediately a shower of soapy, perfumed bubbles came pouring down on the monster.
"Yuck! It smells… Sweet! EEEEWWW!" The monster started shrieking . "Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!!!" She started trying to knock the bubbles off of her, as the perfumed scent was making her dizzy.
"Now Sailor!" Luna called. There was no answer. "NOW Sailor!" Again, no answer. Luna turned around to see a very beaten and bruised Sailor flirting with one of the previously drained bodies. "SAILOR!"
"Huh?" Sailor looked up.
"Attack it!"
"Oh, right. Big White Orb In The Sky Tiara Magic!" She started to throw her tiara, when a hand on her arm stopped her. Mercury was looking at her like she was insane; which, actually, probably wasn't too far from the truth, but that's not the point.
"How about you just make it Stardust Tiara Magic?" she asked.
"Oh, no, that'd be mixing the original and the dub," Luna puts in her two cents.
"So? The dub is supposed to steal the bad ideas and change the good ones."
"Good point." Luna nods to Sailor .
"Great! Stardust Tiara Magic!" The Tiara Magic formerly known as Big White Orb In The Sky, ("Ooh," Mercury groaned, "that's not even close to funny,") hit the monster full force. The monster groaned, threw up (its arms) and dissolved into dust.
"Cool!" Mercury stared openmouthed at the destruction done.
"Cool?" Sailor asked, staring at the carnage, then staring at the purpling bruises forming on her own skin. She tilted her head to the side. "Yeah, it is kinda cool."
"So, how do we transform back?" Amy asked, staring at Serena. Suddenly, she realized that she wasn't Sailor Mercury anymore. "Cool, I'm not Sailor Mercury anymore!"
"You never were Sailor Mercury," Serena giggled. "You weren't once during this story called by your full title." She looked down at herself and frowned; her coordinated outfit that she had had on when she transformed was now neon green baggy pants, and a tight black blazer, with a denim baseball cap to top it all off.
"Oh shucks." Amy looked around the room at the drained bodies that were waking up. "Say, how about we get out of here and eat some ice cream!"
"Sounds great!" Serena completely forgot about her strange outfit and stars were in her eyes. "Make mine triple chocolate fudge chip!"
Both girls exited, giggling, followed by a cat who was really hoping that she didn't have two complete ditz's on her hands, er, paws.
Sailor Moon Says:
"Hiya! This is Sailor again! I don't know why this is called Sailor You-Know-What Says, when I'm not… that name anymore. For some reason, this adventure ("Misadventure," Luna pipes up,) wasn't as satisfying as the last one. Maybe it's because I didn't see Shirt Pants Jacket Hat Cape Mask. Oh well, I did meet that cool anonymous drained body, but it's just not the same.
Huh? Oh yeah! Well, our moral message for today is: Never let your pets cross the street by themselves!
Sailor says, hee hee!"
Japanese phrase for today:
"Kuristumasu Turi"
Translation:
"Christmas Tree"