Standard Disclaimers: I do not own Gundam Wing...
\ \ = Character Thoughts
Part 1: Justice finding
The director (looks like Vince Mcmahon!) is in his office apparently flirting with his
secretary until his hoe reminds the director that they have auditions for the show to do.
Director - Up next we have Re- oh god! Not her! I heard rumours that she's a stalker!
Relena - (making ass of herself) I want to be the judge so I can be on tv and make a certain
gundam pilot worship me! I think people will watch me because I'm RELENA?! I think everyone
will like me since I am the QUEEN of your pathetic planet!!!!
Director - You're too stupid and know nothing, go get some help, and get the hell out of here
we have real people who want to be tv judges not some dumb broad who stalks gundam pilots!
Especially Gundam pilots who try to kill their stalker! Get the hell out!
Relena - (starts to cry) It's not fair! Nothing is FAIR!!!!!! Like the time Heero ran away...
(goes on for five minutes talking about her "problems")
Director - Okay, miss, you can shut up. (signals to security)
(security restrains Relena and drags her away. Heero(!) can be heard laughing from a distance
Relena realizes that this is Heero and suddenly with superhuman strength runs escapes from
the guards and runs after the rogue pilot)
Relena - HEEEERRRRRRROOOOO!!!! I didn't know you were going to be a tv judge?!
Heero - (runs out of the audition room, showing fear for the first time ever!)
Director - (cringes to the annoying shrill, crosses Heero off the list)
Authors note: the girl must die!
Director - send in the next wannabe celebrity tv judge! Quatre Raberna Winner (what a long
name!)
(Quatre walks in with tea and that PURPLE vest!?)
Director - little boy, the daycare is on the other side of the building.
Quatre - I'm not a little boy, I'm 16 dammit! Sorry, I get worked up sometimes. would you
like some tea?
Director - No... we're searching for someone with ATTITUDE. You know, the type of person
who is the somewhat paranoid and arrogant type.
(Quatre goes into a trance, thinking about the time his father got blown up good starts
laughing insanely like the time after his father died and when he started blowing up a colony in Zero)
Director - That's the attitude! Kind of psychotic. But good for a tv judge!
Quatre - (escapes from trance) What'd I do? I like tea. Do you want some? It's from Arabia.
Director - Uh... yeah (thinking this will be the only way to get Quatre to stop with the tea
B.S.) In order to see if you fit into the producer's profile of a ruthless TV judge, can you
tell us your likes and dislikes.
Quatre - (goes back into trance) I like to blow up colonies when in a state of insanity
(goes back to normal) I like women who have freaky eyelashes and stabs me, I like TEA, I like
Sandrock, and I really like MONEY since I am the richest person in the universe! I mainly
hate FIGHTING and WAR!!! I'm from a Pacifist family.
Director - You said you like to blow up colonies yet you said you hated fighting?!
Quatre - (unaware of trance) I never said I like to blow up colonies.
Director - (crossing Quatre's name off the list) \A little too crazy for the show\ Well,
we'll call you back.
Quatre - (too happy to realize that he just got rejected) Really? Wow that's great! (leave
in a jovial state while lauging insanely (must be Post Traumatic Stress))
Director - Anyway, Lizzy, bring our next candidate into the room please. Let's see, next is
Trowa Barton.
Trowa - (Enters the room, sits down on a chair) ...
Director - On your profile it says that you are quiet but likes to be in the spotlight, as
you mentioned, you wrote down you are a clown who gets knives thrown at in a circus. Is that
right?
Trowa - ....
Director - So are you interested in the tv spot or what?!
Trowa - ....
Director - That's it, I've had it up to here with your attitude! Are you retarded?! Since
you entered, you gave me this look that I'm a retard and you just stare in awe! Get the hell
out!!!
Trowa - .... (gets out of chair and leaves)
Director - \Attitude, I like him, put him on the MAYBE list\ (writes Trowa's name down on
the MAYBE list) The next person is Duo Maxwell.
(Duo runs in acting like he just ate 20 pixie sticks)
Duo - Hi, I am the GOD OF DEATH!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Director - (looks at the braid) Get out! No pre-op transvects. If you want to be considered
for the job, go get a haircut so you'll look intimidating! God of death, yeah right!
Duo - My hair!!!! I can't do that! (starts to cry and walks slowly out of the room)
Director - One more person left! Finally, better not be as worse as that crazy stalker
girl. Lizzy bring in Mr. Chang Wu Fei or is it Wu Fei Chang?
(Lizzy escorts Wu fei into the room only pissed Wu fei off)
Wu fei - HOW DARE YOU?! YOU WEAKLING!!!!! You got your stupid ONNA to bring me into this
room with a BAKA like you deciding on who goes on your crappy tv court house who chronic
WEAKLING couch potatos watch?! INJUSTICE, I'll KILL YOU!!!!!!!
(Wu fei lunges to the Director with a sword)
Director - I like you! I like people with ATTITUDE!? Are you prejudiced against anything?
Wu fei - I hate people who are weaker than me, which is everyone! All of you are weaklings
(Authors note: Notice there is only ONE other person in the room) Women for one thing are
weaker than me, they do their tasks such as shopping and cooking and I the man, do manly
things like worshiping Nataku and eating the cooking!
Director - (disregarding what Nataku is a gundam) Is Nataku your wife or girlfriend?
Wu fei - better than that, I kill for Nataku. I'll kill you since it's an INJUSTICE to think
Nataku is a ONNA!!!!! KISAMA (Bastard)!!!!! Killing you will bring real JUSTICE for your
stupidity!
Director - Hold that look of anger! You are a spitting image of a irate Judge Judy! I think
the producers will like you! You're HIRED!
Wu fei - This is your lucky day DIRECTOR! I was going to kill you but now, I will forget what
you said about Nataku. When do I begin to deliver some JUSTICE?
Director - your first case starts in two weeks, during that time, I want you to get more
pissed off than ever so you can lash out anger on the suckers who go on that.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(As the Director leaves the room and walks to his car, he sees Heero's body being glomped
by Relena, Egad! She found the pilot!)
Heero - Help me! I need help. Get the JAWS OF LIFE to get her off me! My gun is in my spandex
shoot off her arms!! He - (face starts to turn blue)
Director - Oh, go get a room. (sees Duo, WITHOUT THE BRAID) What the hell are you doing back
here! You left here crying like a girl. What did you do to your hair.
Duo - I cut the braid off so I can be JUDGE DUO!!!
Director - Go away, I gave the part to Wu fei, at least you LOOK like a male. (gets into his
89' Dodge Colt (low budget fic) and drives off)
Duo - NOOOOOOOOO!!! (screams like the time Deathscythe got blown up on LIVE TV!) Oh, hi Heero,
I sort of told Relena your hiding place. She treatened me by telling Hilde about my secret
food stash. I'm soooooo sorry.
Heero - (losing consciousness) Omae o korosu, Duo!
(Wu fei walks onto the parking lot finding Heero unconscious in the hand of Relena, and Duo
without his braid)
Wu fei - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The day has finally come, Maxwell sacred braid is now cut off!!
At least it wasn't your (censored), maybe it's worse than getting your (censored) cut off!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Perfect Soldier not so perfect anymore!!! Can't even handle one onna!! Why
don't you just go and marry the onna!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And by the way, I got the part!!
Take that everyone!!!
(Duo, Relena scowl in disgust, Heero has foam coming out of his mouth)
Relena - Heero, did you hear what Wu fei said. He thinks we should get married! Isn't that
great! I knew these would come in handy. (Relena reaches into her purse)
(No, not what you're thinking of, sickos ;, Relena takes out two gold rings from her purse
(my god and they're custom fit for Heero and her finger size), she sure does think her
marriage over precisely doesn't she?)
Heero - .... (he's unconscious dammit)
Duo - (picks up his braid and runs away knowing his imminent death if Heero wakes up) I SAW
NOTHING!!!!
Relena - Heero! There's a chapel over there! Wu fei is right! (Relena drags Heero into the
chapel)
Heero - .... (still unconscious)
Twenty Minutes Later
Reverend - I pronounce you man and wife.
Relena - This is the happiest day of my life! (drags the still unconscious Heero back into
her pink limo)
Ten hours later (the next morning)
Heero - What the hell happened? Where is this place? This isn't my apartment. My room isn't
pink, why is the teddy bear I gave to Relena doing here? Oh no... \what the hell did you do
to me while I was unconscious?\ (Heero left ring finger felt heavier, Heero looked at the
ring finger) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Relena - (comes out of the bathroom, holding pregancy test) Heero, I have something to tell
you.
Heero - (expecting the worse) DUUUUUUOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! \but how did she do IT
while I was unconscious?\
TBC
******************************************************************************************
The house of the author
(Heero and Relena storm in looking enraged as ever, outside Pargan is holding a small child)
Heero - how dare you make me marry that pond scum the writers of the show call Relena (gives
ME a patented Yuy Death Glare)
Prez - I'm sorry man, don't kill me, the writers guild, they didn't want Relena bashing!!!
Kill them!!! I hate that bitch as much as you do.
Relena - At least make Heero conscious when does marry me.
Heero - And how can she do it while I'm goddamn unconscious?! Well there's no way that feat
is physically possible! And of all the women in the show, I end up with the most psychotic
one, can't I marry Sylvia instead.
Prez - Your marriage to Sylvia would have been possible nine months earlier, but look outside
and you see your genes passed on, too bad. Hey, I don't want flaming. Go take care of
your family.
Heero - I'll take care of my family.... then I'll take care of YOU!!!! Omae o korosu!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(Prez and Relena stare at Heero)
Relena - Heero, stop threatening to kill people since it never works, you threatened to kill
me, but you never did.
Heero - (pouting) I KNOW IT NEVER WORKS!!!! I JUST LIKE TO SCARE PEOPLE!!!! Unfortunatly,
you and Prez are too stupid to sense FEAR!!!!! (Starts to break down) I'll be in the car.
(Relena leaves with Heero and drives off away from Prez's house)
\ \ = Character Thoughts
Part 1: Justice finding
The director (looks like Vince Mcmahon!) is in his office apparently flirting with his
secretary until his hoe reminds the director that they have auditions for the show to do.
Director - Up next we have Re- oh god! Not her! I heard rumours that she's a stalker!
Relena - (making ass of herself) I want to be the judge so I can be on tv and make a certain
gundam pilot worship me! I think people will watch me because I'm RELENA?! I think everyone
will like me since I am the QUEEN of your pathetic planet!!!!
Director - You're too stupid and know nothing, go get some help, and get the hell out of here
we have real people who want to be tv judges not some dumb broad who stalks gundam pilots!
Especially Gundam pilots who try to kill their stalker! Get the hell out!
Relena - (starts to cry) It's not fair! Nothing is FAIR!!!!!! Like the time Heero ran away...
(goes on for five minutes talking about her "problems")
Director - Okay, miss, you can shut up. (signals to security)
(security restrains Relena and drags her away. Heero(!) can be heard laughing from a distance
Relena realizes that this is Heero and suddenly with superhuman strength runs escapes from
the guards and runs after the rogue pilot)
Relena - HEEEERRRRRRROOOOO!!!! I didn't know you were going to be a tv judge?!
Heero - (runs out of the audition room, showing fear for the first time ever!)
Director - (cringes to the annoying shrill, crosses Heero off the list)
Authors note: the girl must die!
Director - send in the next wannabe celebrity tv judge! Quatre Raberna Winner (what a long
name!)
(Quatre walks in with tea and that PURPLE vest!?)
Director - little boy, the daycare is on the other side of the building.
Quatre - I'm not a little boy, I'm 16 dammit! Sorry, I get worked up sometimes. would you
like some tea?
Director - No... we're searching for someone with ATTITUDE. You know, the type of person
who is the somewhat paranoid and arrogant type.
(Quatre goes into a trance, thinking about the time his father got blown up good starts
laughing insanely like the time after his father died and when he started blowing up a colony in Zero)
Director - That's the attitude! Kind of psychotic. But good for a tv judge!
Quatre - (escapes from trance) What'd I do? I like tea. Do you want some? It's from Arabia.
Director - Uh... yeah (thinking this will be the only way to get Quatre to stop with the tea
B.S.) In order to see if you fit into the producer's profile of a ruthless TV judge, can you
tell us your likes and dislikes.
Quatre - (goes back into trance) I like to blow up colonies when in a state of insanity
(goes back to normal) I like women who have freaky eyelashes and stabs me, I like TEA, I like
Sandrock, and I really like MONEY since I am the richest person in the universe! I mainly
hate FIGHTING and WAR!!! I'm from a Pacifist family.
Director - You said you like to blow up colonies yet you said you hated fighting?!
Quatre - (unaware of trance) I never said I like to blow up colonies.
Director - (crossing Quatre's name off the list) \A little too crazy for the show\ Well,
we'll call you back.
Quatre - (too happy to realize that he just got rejected) Really? Wow that's great! (leave
in a jovial state while lauging insanely (must be Post Traumatic Stress))
Director - Anyway, Lizzy, bring our next candidate into the room please. Let's see, next is
Trowa Barton.
Trowa - (Enters the room, sits down on a chair) ...
Director - On your profile it says that you are quiet but likes to be in the spotlight, as
you mentioned, you wrote down you are a clown who gets knives thrown at in a circus. Is that
right?
Trowa - ....
Director - So are you interested in the tv spot or what?!
Trowa - ....
Director - That's it, I've had it up to here with your attitude! Are you retarded?! Since
you entered, you gave me this look that I'm a retard and you just stare in awe! Get the hell
out!!!
Trowa - .... (gets out of chair and leaves)
Director - \Attitude, I like him, put him on the MAYBE list\ (writes Trowa's name down on
the MAYBE list) The next person is Duo Maxwell.
(Duo runs in acting like he just ate 20 pixie sticks)
Duo - Hi, I am the GOD OF DEATH!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Director - (looks at the braid) Get out! No pre-op transvects. If you want to be considered
for the job, go get a haircut so you'll look intimidating! God of death, yeah right!
Duo - My hair!!!! I can't do that! (starts to cry and walks slowly out of the room)
Director - One more person left! Finally, better not be as worse as that crazy stalker
girl. Lizzy bring in Mr. Chang Wu Fei or is it Wu Fei Chang?
(Lizzy escorts Wu fei into the room only pissed Wu fei off)
Wu fei - HOW DARE YOU?! YOU WEAKLING!!!!! You got your stupid ONNA to bring me into this
room with a BAKA like you deciding on who goes on your crappy tv court house who chronic
WEAKLING couch potatos watch?! INJUSTICE, I'll KILL YOU!!!!!!!
(Wu fei lunges to the Director with a sword)
Director - I like you! I like people with ATTITUDE!? Are you prejudiced against anything?
Wu fei - I hate people who are weaker than me, which is everyone! All of you are weaklings
(Authors note: Notice there is only ONE other person in the room) Women for one thing are
weaker than me, they do their tasks such as shopping and cooking and I the man, do manly
things like worshiping Nataku and eating the cooking!
Director - (disregarding what Nataku is a gundam) Is Nataku your wife or girlfriend?
Wu fei - better than that, I kill for Nataku. I'll kill you since it's an INJUSTICE to think
Nataku is a ONNA!!!!! KISAMA (Bastard)!!!!! Killing you will bring real JUSTICE for your
stupidity!
Director - Hold that look of anger! You are a spitting image of a irate Judge Judy! I think
the producers will like you! You're HIRED!
Wu fei - This is your lucky day DIRECTOR! I was going to kill you but now, I will forget what
you said about Nataku. When do I begin to deliver some JUSTICE?
Director - your first case starts in two weeks, during that time, I want you to get more
pissed off than ever so you can lash out anger on the suckers who go on that.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(As the Director leaves the room and walks to his car, he sees Heero's body being glomped
by Relena, Egad! She found the pilot!)
Heero - Help me! I need help. Get the JAWS OF LIFE to get her off me! My gun is in my spandex
shoot off her arms!! He - (face starts to turn blue)
Director - Oh, go get a room. (sees Duo, WITHOUT THE BRAID) What the hell are you doing back
here! You left here crying like a girl. What did you do to your hair.
Duo - I cut the braid off so I can be JUDGE DUO!!!
Director - Go away, I gave the part to Wu fei, at least you LOOK like a male. (gets into his
89' Dodge Colt (low budget fic) and drives off)
Duo - NOOOOOOOOO!!! (screams like the time Deathscythe got blown up on LIVE TV!) Oh, hi Heero,
I sort of told Relena your hiding place. She treatened me by telling Hilde about my secret
food stash. I'm soooooo sorry.
Heero - (losing consciousness) Omae o korosu, Duo!
(Wu fei walks onto the parking lot finding Heero unconscious in the hand of Relena, and Duo
without his braid)
Wu fei - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The day has finally come, Maxwell sacred braid is now cut off!!
At least it wasn't your (censored), maybe it's worse than getting your (censored) cut off!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Perfect Soldier not so perfect anymore!!! Can't even handle one onna!! Why
don't you just go and marry the onna!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And by the way, I got the part!!
Take that everyone!!!
(Duo, Relena scowl in disgust, Heero has foam coming out of his mouth)
Relena - Heero, did you hear what Wu fei said. He thinks we should get married! Isn't that
great! I knew these would come in handy. (Relena reaches into her purse)
(No, not what you're thinking of, sickos ;, Relena takes out two gold rings from her purse
(my god and they're custom fit for Heero and her finger size), she sure does think her
marriage over precisely doesn't she?)
Heero - .... (he's unconscious dammit)
Duo - (picks up his braid and runs away knowing his imminent death if Heero wakes up) I SAW
NOTHING!!!!
Relena - Heero! There's a chapel over there! Wu fei is right! (Relena drags Heero into the
chapel)
Heero - .... (still unconscious)
Twenty Minutes Later
Reverend - I pronounce you man and wife.
Relena - This is the happiest day of my life! (drags the still unconscious Heero back into
her pink limo)
Ten hours later (the next morning)
Heero - What the hell happened? Where is this place? This isn't my apartment. My room isn't
pink, why is the teddy bear I gave to Relena doing here? Oh no... \what the hell did you do
to me while I was unconscious?\ (Heero left ring finger felt heavier, Heero looked at the
ring finger) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Relena - (comes out of the bathroom, holding pregancy test) Heero, I have something to tell
you.
Heero - (expecting the worse) DUUUUUUOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! \but how did she do IT
while I was unconscious?\
TBC
******************************************************************************************
The house of the author
(Heero and Relena storm in looking enraged as ever, outside Pargan is holding a small child)
Heero - how dare you make me marry that pond scum the writers of the show call Relena (gives
ME a patented Yuy Death Glare)
Prez - I'm sorry man, don't kill me, the writers guild, they didn't want Relena bashing!!!
Kill them!!! I hate that bitch as much as you do.
Relena - At least make Heero conscious when does marry me.
Heero - And how can she do it while I'm goddamn unconscious?! Well there's no way that feat
is physically possible! And of all the women in the show, I end up with the most psychotic
one, can't I marry Sylvia instead.
Prez - Your marriage to Sylvia would have been possible nine months earlier, but look outside
and you see your genes passed on, too bad. Hey, I don't want flaming. Go take care of
your family.
Heero - I'll take care of my family.... then I'll take care of YOU!!!! Omae o korosu!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
(Prez and Relena stare at Heero)
Relena - Heero, stop threatening to kill people since it never works, you threatened to kill
me, but you never did.
Heero - (pouting) I KNOW IT NEVER WORKS!!!! I JUST LIKE TO SCARE PEOPLE!!!! Unfortunatly,
you and Prez are too stupid to sense FEAR!!!!! (Starts to break down) I'll be in the car.
(Relena leaves with Heero and drives off away from Prez's house)