Wood
of My Wand
Subtitled: How Voldie Became a Pop Sensation
By Kendra Chant
---*---
It was Harry Potter's 7th (and final) year at
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry was getting ready for his
latest (and final) showdown with the wizard formerly known as Tom Riddle (dreamy
sigh from the author).
In the Great Hall, the school was gathered for an important announcement
from Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster. The students were surprised to see a new
place at the staff table, right between Severus Snape and Professor Flitwick.
Flitwick looked rather nervous, and Snape was smiling one of his nastier grins.
The lights dimmed, and a giant spotlight focused on the empty seat. One
of the prefects commented rather loudly, "We don't have a SPOTLIGHT in the
Great Hall, do we?" The teachers chose to ignore the remark.
A giant disco ball lowered itself from the domed roof, and a thunderous
clap of lightning shook the great hall. A dark huddle of shapes appeared outside
the massive doors. A cloaked figure separated itself from the mass, the others
following the loner one by one. The dark man proceeded to sit down in the
aforementioned empty seat and throw back his hood.
A gasp rippled through the Great Hall, the kind that is usually a prelude
to a full blown riot.
" YOU-KNOW-WHO!!!!!!!!"
yelled the students collectively. A first year girl burst into tears.
Voldemort stood up and took a grand bow. Flitwick had a heart attack. He
Who Must Not Be Named raised an eyebrow and turned back to the Great Hall. His
eyes focused on the Gryffindor table, specifically on Harry Potter.
Harry himself was in a strange sort of shock. His life flashed before his
eyes, and he felt as though he was going to throw up. A sharp poke in the ribs
from Hermione brought him back to reality.
Feeling lost for words, Harry stood up and cleared his throat. He
scratched his scar. It tingled, but surprisingly, it was not an unpleasant
feeling.
"Um… So, nice weather we're having, eh?" he asked suddenly.
Voldemort rolled his eyes (slits, really, but does it matter?)
"Oy vey, Potter, just get on with it. As soon as you're done lolly-gagging,
I have a very important announcement to make," the Dark Lord commented.
Harry fell back to his chair with a plop. The Death Eaters (who, of
course, were the other cloaked figures) cleared the area around the staff table.
All the teachers got up and moved to the corners of the room.
Voldemort stood up on the table, ordering the Death Eaters about. The
students were in a state of shock (obviously, I mean, who wouldn't be, what
with the most powerful and evil wizard in the world giving your school cafeteria
a make over).
Soon the group gathered on the edge of the staff table. Apparently from
nowhere, the first few notes of a popular (and rather sucky) muggle song started
playing. Voldie ripped off his robes, revealing glowing neon orange overalls and
a bright purple sweater. Harry fainted.
You Know Who did a series of complicated dance moves to the intro music,
then started singing….
Hmm, yeah,
yeah
Harry, please try to forgive me
Stay here don't put out the glow
Curse me now don't bother
If every hex now it makes me weaker
I can't save me from the man that you've become, oh yeah
Thinkin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to kill everyone
I did my part
And became one of the dark
Now let me show you the wood of my wand
Crucio is beautiful
Happiness is tragical
So help me please win this war, oh yeah
Curse me now don't bother
If every hex now it makes me weaker
I can't save me from the man you've become
Thinkin' back on the things I've done (back on the things...)
I was tryin' to kill everyone (tryin' to kill...)
I did my part
And became one with the dark (the dark)
Now let me show you the wood of my wand
I'm here with my procession
Got no one to kill no more
I don't know where to start
But to show you the wood of my wand
I'm thinkin' back on things I've done
I never wanna kill the same old fart
I'll keep bein' (part of the dark) in the dark
Now let me show you the wood of my wand
Thinkin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to kill everyone (tryin' to be kill everyone)
I did my part
Was a big part of the dark
Now let me show (Now let me show you the yew)
you the wood (wood of my wand) of my wand
Thinkin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to kill everyone
I did my part
Was part of the dark
Now let me show you the wood of
Show you the wood of my wand
The Great Hall burst into thunderous applause as Voldemort grandly handed Harry a black rose. He winked at the bewildered seventeen year old, and disapparated along with the rest of his crew.
Harry looked back at Ron and Hermione. Ron was staring blankly at the wall, while Hermione had a very strange look on her face. Harry waved his hand in front of her face.
"Oh, Harry, do you think he'll give me his autograph?" she swooned.
And, for the umpteenth time today, Harry fainted.
A/N: Well, well,
well… that wasn't so bad, now was it? *evil grin* Hope you liked it, as it
was one of my more pathetic attempts at humor.
"Shape of My
Heart" belongs to the Backstreet Boys, as does Voldie's outfit. Hey, if
it's bright and tacky, they must have worn it at some point!
All HP characters are
the works of J. K. Rowling *bows at her shrine to the wonderful author*
Oh, and… BSB fans,
don't be offended. I only… er… "diss your men" for the humor of it
all. *shudders* I don't want Howlers saying that AJ or Nick or Brian or
someone is your baby, and that you'll track me down and kill me for saying
something bad about them.
Love and Leprechauns,
Kendra Chant, 2/12/01
P.S. Who else wants a Chrestomanci section in here?