Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, I'm just a fan
Rating:PG-13
Empty
My name is Hikari Yagami. If you asked anyone, my teachers, my peers and even my parents they'd say I was the girl who had everything. But they'd be wrong. When I first started High School, I wanted more than anything to be popular; I worked harder at it than anything else I'd ever worked at in my life. And by my senior year, I'd say I got what I was working for. I was the head cheerleader, class president, I got a 4.0 grade average and I was very popular with the guys…but when I got what I wanted, I suddenly felt empty.
Every morning I'd wake up and feel like something was missing. Like a looming emptiness growing into a dark cloud above my head. Whenever I saw my parents and how proud they were of me, I'd put on my 'cheerful little Kari' act. Sometimes Taichi could see something was bothering me, but I always lied and said I just felt a little sick. My life at school was a lie too, I'd walk around acting like little miss perfect, hiding my feelings from my supposed friends who hung around me to gain popularity, and I even hid my feelings from my only real friend, Takeru.
The more I lived my lie, the more empty my heart felt. Whenever I was alone, I got frustrated and broke into tears. I hated cheerleading, I didn't want to be class president, I didn't care what the other kids thought! And what use was that stupid grade point average? I didn't want to go to college, I didn't know what I even wanted to do in life. But every morning my parents would be so happy at how great their little girl was. I couldn't tell them how miserable I was I couldn't tell them how bad I felt at school. How after how hard I tried to be perfect, the less perfect I wanted to be.
I wanted a way out so badly. I wanted to just run away, run as far away as I could. And I wanted something to fill up the emptiness in my heart. Then one day on the way to school, I saw a woman and her baby on a park bench. It reminded me of one time of how I asked my mother how she felt after having children, and she said, "The bond between a mother and her children is something unbreakable and eternal. When I first held Tai in my arms, everything seemed to become whole, and I felt complete. Any fears or doubts or emptiness seemed to fade away."
That was when the thought occurred to me. Maybe I was feeling empty inside because I needed a baby. I remembered how I always loved playing with children. How sweet and innocent they were, and the unconditional love they had. How they never judge you or have expectations for you, how they don't care about how well you do in school or who your friends are.
Thoughts began swirling in my head. If I had a baby I wouldn't feel empty anymore, I wouldn't have to deal with school, and I wouldn't need to live up to expectations. But how would I get a baby? It's not like you can just find one in a basket or a high school senior could adopt a kid. I knew my only option.
If I did go through with it, I could drop out of school, I'd have to stay at home. My parents would be mad at me, and they're stupid expectations would be gone. Taichi wouldn't let them throw me out of the house, and they'd have to be supportive of a grandchild. But then I thought about the biggest problem.
How could I get pregnant? I obviously knew where babies came from, it's just I'd never even thought about actually having sex. Even the thought of it brought a blush to my face. But I wanted a baby so bad, I knew I'd have to go through with it. I knew how guys were, it wouldn't be hard to find someone, especially since a Valentines Day dance was coming up at school.
Then my thoughts wandered to Takeru. I knew he was in love with me, I saw him drawing in his notebook frantically like a lovestruck poet. Whenever he walked me home, I felt him get warm and blush when I held his hand. He even called me by my nickname, Kari. I admitted I liked him a bit too, and it wasn't like I was going to go through the ultimate act of passion with a complete stranger.
He was more than happy to accept when I asked him to come the dance with me. My parents were overjoyed when I told them I was going to the dance with him, they even bought me a fancy red dress. When Takeru came to pick me up, he wore the best suit he had and brought me flowers, chocolate, and any other present he could afford. On the way to the dance, I started to feel guilty about what I planned to do. My doubts about actually going through with what I wanted to do almost made me hesitate to go through with my plan.
Somehow, I managed to tell him to take a turnoff. He was puzzled but he did what I asked. I directed him to the spot where I planned to go, far out in the hills. When we arrived and parked, he asked me, "why are we here Kari?" I stayed silent to poor oblivious Takeru's question. He stayed silent for awhile too, until he said, "You know, this place has got a nice view of the stars. Is that why we're here Kari? Kari?" I couldn't ignore him anymore, despite how nervous I was.
"I thought we could come here and…talk." I meekly said.
"Oh." he replied, "Guess we're not doing to good on the talking part." I forced my self to smile. "You don't have to be shy Kari," he continued, and I forced my self not to listen to the rest of his words. I knew he would be pouring his feelings out and saying something sweet and I would start to love him, which I refused to do, if I was going to get what I wanted. I interrupted him in mid-sentence and kissed him, grabbing the back of his head and forcing my tongue into his mouth. When I broke away he seemed flustered but pleased, assuming that was my way of saying I cared.
I pushed his seat back and climbed ontop of him kissing him over and over, hating myself more and more. He held on to me as we continued, and I made my move and started to unbutton his shirt. He pulled me away gently and said softly, "I think we're getting carried away." 'WE?' I thought to myself, I knew it was all me. "I think maybe we should talk," he said, but I backed into my seat again and turned away from him, as tears began streaking down my face.
"Kari, please, tell me what's wrong?" he pleaded with me, "I still love you, I just…" He stopped, not sure how to continue. I began to sob, and pain shot through his eyes. "Please don't cry. I'm not rejecting you…" his voice filled with desperation, "Please, I'll do what you want…"
There was my chance, he was going to do whatever I wanted. I turned towards him, but seeing his sad and desperate face, I hugged him and cried onto his shoulder. He held onto me trying to comfort me.
Why did he have to be so nice? Any other guy would have been all over me, but he was different, unlike any other man in the world. All the guilt I had been feeling rushed out like a flood. I confessed everything, how I felt empty, how I wanted a baby to fix it, and what I had planned to do with him.
I wanted him to be angry, I wanted him to yell, I wanted him to throw me out of the car, but he did something more painful, he forgave me, and told me he loved me. "Damn you!" I cried, "why can't you hate me?"
"I could never hate you. No matter what." He said.
I suddenly didn't feel empty. He loved me unconditionally. He didn't judge me or have expectations, he just loved me for who I was. I didn't need a baby, or to quit school, or anger my parents, all I needed was him. I kissed him, and this time, it was for real. I stayed in his arms for the rest of the night, not caring about all the things that had plagued me before. I knew no matter what, we loved each other, and nothing else mattered.