Without You (part
3)
It
was two weeks since Chandler's funeral. Monica came home and slung her coat on
the chair, not caring that it disrupted her neat, orderly kitchen. She crossed
the apartment and sank onto the couch. She put a cushion over her face and
screamed. She couldn't believe it. Monica had just been to the doctor's. She
hadn't slept properly since Chandler died, and she was feeling depressed, and
physically sick. She was expecting him to prescribe some sleeping pills (over
the counter ones hadn't worked) or maybe anti-depressants, but she had not
expected him to tell her she was pregnant.
When
she thought about it, she supposed that she had known at the back of her mind
for over a week, but she had blamed the stress of Chandler's death for her
symptoms because she wasn't sure she wanted to be pregnant. A month ago, she
would have welcomed the news; she would have been screaming with excitement and
would want to be running around shouting out to anyone who would listen that
she and Chandler were having a baby. But that was the problem. She and Chandler
were having a baby, but he wasn't there to share her joy, and that ruined it.
She
didn't know what she was going to do. Oh, of course, she would keep the baby.
This was what she had wanted for the last thirty years, and the fact that it
was Chandler's baby made it all the more special and wonderful to her. But how
would she cope without Chandler at her side? And how would she tell the others?
They'd be happy for her, but worried as well, because they had guessed some of
what she was going through, with the not sleeping, and she was only eating when
she was with them, although they didn't know that. It wasn't a big deal to her,
just that she didn't see the point of preparing anything if she was the only
one around. But now she would have to eat, because the baby would suffer if she
didn't. Monica made up her mind, then and there that she would do anything,
anything in the world, to keep this baby safe. It was Chandler's baby, and the
final gift he had given her.
A
week after she found out she was pregnant, Monica invited everyone round for
dinner. They took this as a sign she was improving, and all dressed up to
celebrate, especially Rachel, who would use any excuse. Monica spent most of
the afternoon cooking, and already felt tired when they arrived, but she knew
she would get over it, since she probably wouldn't get more than a couple of
hours sleep that night.
They
were all sitting round the table eating before Monica made her announcement.
She had wanted to wait until later, but Ross had already said he had to finish
some work tonight, and she thought the others might leave early as well. All
five of them had noticed the gap where Chandler should have been, although
they'd all been too polite to comment on it.
"What?"
Ross exclaimed when she told them. Joey almost choked. Phoebe and Rachel
exchanged looks that Monica couldn't read.
"I'm
pregnant," Monica repeated.
"Its
Chandler's, right?" Rachel asked. Monica gasped in shock that her best friend could
think for a second that she would be seeing someone else so soon after
Chandler's death, never mind be having another man's baby.
"Of
course it is!" Joey defended her. Monica nodded.
"How
can you be pregnant? Chandler's dead!" Ross pointed out stupidly.
"I
think its pretty obvious that I got pregnant before he died," Monica said,
angry at having to defend herself to her friends.
"That's
great Mon," Phoebe said in a funny voice, letting Monica know she didn't really
mean it.
"What
are you going to do?" Rachel asked. Monica looked at her, stunned.
"What
do you think? I'm going to keep it of course! This is Chandler's baby! I could
never kill it!" she shouted.
"Mon,
I'm not sure you're really in the right state of mind to care for a baby right
now," Ross said. Monica just stared at him. He was her brother. How could he
say that? She heard Joey gasp from his place next to her.
"Are
you saying I'm incapable of looking after my child, Chandler's child?" she
demanded in a cold voice.
"No!
I'm just saying that maybe now isn't the best time for you to be starting a
family," Ross said weakly.
"You
know as well as I do that this is my last chance. I will never be able to have
another chance to have a baby with my husband, how can you say I should give up
that chance?" she shouted at her brother. He shrugged and muttered something.
"What
Ross is trying to say is," Rachel began, but Monica cut her off.
"What?
What is Ross trying to say?" she demanded. Rachel was silent. "I don't know why
I'm even bothering to defend myself to you guys! You're supposed to be my
friends! And yet you're saying I'm insane or something! You have no idea what
I'm going through right now! And you have no right to try and tell me what to
do!" Monica screamed. "Now get out! Get out of my apartment! Get out! Get out!
Get out!"
Silently,
Ross, Rachel and Phoebe stood up and left. Joey lingered after them. He tried
to hug Monica but she shook him off. When he tried a second time, she gave in
and sank into his arms so he was practically holding her up.
"Why?"
she asked Joey quietly, her voice muffled by his shoulder. "Why can't they be
happy for me?"
"I
don't know," Joey replied. "Maybe they're just shocked. Just give them some
time."
"Give
them time! Who's husband just died? Who's pregnant? Why on earth should I give
them time?" she said angrily, but she suddenly felt all her anger drain away,
leaving only hurt that her friends would let her down so badly, and the
constant ache of grief that never went away. Joey didn't answer, he just held
her tightly, feeling his shirt get damp with her tears as she cried against
him.
Joey
didn't leave that night; he stayed in the spare bedroom because Monica said she
was sick of being alone in the apartment all the time. She didn't expect him to
stay up with her, but she thought it would be a comfort just to know she wasn't
alone.
By
three am Monica had given up trying to sleep. She went into the kitchen and
made herself a cup of hot chocolate, then paced around the apartment as she
drank it. She was even more restless than usual, and couldn't put the fight
with the others out of her mind. She kept going over what everyone had said,
even though it hurt a little more each time she thought about it.
She
reluctantly went back to bed, if only so as not to wake Joey. In bed, she lay
flat on her back and stared up at the ceiling. She hated being here, and wanted
for the first time ever, to move. At first, she had been glad of the apartment
and all its memories, but now they haunted her. As she tried in vain to get
some sleep, they flitted through her mind like brief dreams that faded almost
before she had placed them. Mostly they were silly little things, that she had
thought she'd forgotten, like the first time he made her breakfast in bed, the
first time she cooked him a romantic meal, the time they'd tried to video tape
themselves having sex, but others were things that she knew she'd never forget.
These included that night in London, the night after they moved in together,
Vegas, when he proposed, and of course, their wedding itself.
For
a moment, she forgot that Chandler was dead and rolled over onto his side, as
she used to do if she couldn't sleep, to see if he was still awake. If he was,
they'd talk or make love, if he was asleep, she would just hug him, and that
usually made her fall asleep, but when she touched only the cold sheet (she
still slept over on her side, even though Chandler's side was empty) she
remembered that he was dead and whimpered into the pillow. She threw off the
bed covers and rushed out of the room, with her hand over her mouth to stop
herself screaming. Monica lay on the couch and sobbed into the cushions,
missing Chandler more than ever, praying for sleep, knowing it wouldn't come,
trying to be quiet so Joey at least could sleep, resenting Joey for being able
to sleep so peacefully.
"Mon,
you okay?" Joey asked tentatively from the doorway of the spare bedroom. He had
heard a noise, and come to 'check it out', when he had seen Monica crying on
the couch. She didn't answer, so he didn't' ask the question again, figuring
that she'd need some time to herself. "I'm just in there if you need to talk,"
he said. "Don't worry about waking me up, I don't care," he said kindly.
"Thanks
Joey," Monica mumbled as he retreated.
She
gave up trying to sleep for real this time, and started tidying the apartment.
She cleared away the empty glasses and scraped away the leftovers of their
group dinner. It was funny, but it seemed much longer ago than just a few
hours. She didn't think about what she was doing, her thoughts were still
engrossed in remembering the hurt of her friends' betrayal. She still couldn't
believe how insensitive they had been.
In
the morning when Joey emerged at about ten o'clock, Monica had completely
cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, for the first time since Chandler's
death. At about nine o'clock she had started baking cookies. Joey helped
himself to a batch fresh from the oven, instead of breakfast. Monica didn't
yell at him, as he would have expected, so he hung around to taste the rest.
When
Phoebe came over at about five o'clock that evening to apologise for the night
before, Monica was still baking, and Joey was still eating. Phoebe sampled the
latest batch of cookies and smiled appreciatively.
"Delicious,"
she commented.
"Thanks,"
Monica said. She smiled happily. There was flour on her nose and a smear of
butter on her cheek and chocolate on her shirt.
"Listen
Mon, about last night, I'm sorry. I guess I was just a little shocked. But
really, this is great! It's a wonderful chance for you to have a little piece
of Chandler back in your life. And I'm really happy for you," Phoebe said
seriously. She titled her head up as if she was talking to the ceiling. "Both
of you!" she shouted up. Joey grinned.
"Thanks,"
Monica said, "Chandler says thanks too," she smiled. "You want another cookie
or ten?" she offered. "I think I made too many."
"Thank
you," Phoebe said, taking another. "Maybe you should give Ross and Rachel some
too." Monica tensed immediately. She knew Ross. He thought he was right about
her being mentally unstable or whatever the hell he thought, and it was almost
impossible to ever convince Ross that he was wrong.
"No,"
she said quietly, but firmly. Phoebe realised how much Monica had been hurt by
their comments, so she decided not to pursue the subject. Now was obviously not
the time.
Over
the next week or so, the group split into two groups. There was Monica, Joey
and Phoebe, in a way, against, Ross and Rachel. Phoebe and Rachel were still
friends and they kept trying to bridge the growing gap. But Ross and Monica
were equally stubborn and equally determined, and they each refused to
apologise to the other. Monica insisted she had nothing to apologise for. Ross
just refused for the sake of pride. Joey was amazed at how stupid Ross was
being, and because his own principles about his friends were so strong, he
sided with Monica. The only reason Rachel refused to give in was that she felt
sorry for Ross, with everyone else hating him.
Monica
still wasn't sleeping well. She lay awake most nights, desperately trying to
keep the thoughts of Chandler out of her mind, because they made her cry
whenever she remembered them. Since that first night, Joey kept offering to
stay in the spare room, but Monica always said there was no need. She didn't
want her friends to know how badly Chandler's death had affected her.
Monica
kept putting off telling her parents. But when she was three and a half months
pregnant, Phoebe finally persuaded her that she couldn't wait any longer.
Monica had wanted someone to come with her, but Joey had an audition and Phoebe
had a massage client. Monica hadn't spoken to either of her parents since a few
weeks before Chandler died, but she figured Ross would have told them.
She
hadn't even had a chance to ring the doorbell when her mother opened the door.
Jack was close behind her. Judy Geller grabbed Monica and hugged her tightly,
then pushed her away a little and shook her slightly.
"Why
didn't you call? We were so worried about you!" Judy said. Jack rescued Monica
from Judy's grasp and hugged her.
"How's
my little Harmonica?" he asked, using her childhood nickname, he also stroked
her hair, as he used to do when she was little.
"Ross
told us about Chandler," Judy interrupted, not giving Monica a chance to answer
her father.
"We're
so sorry," Jack chipped in sympathetically.
"What
are you going to do about the baby?" Judy demanded. Monica was shocked at her
tone.
"So
Ross told you about that too, did he?" she asked coldly,
"Of
course he did! He's responsible!" she said, making it sound like Monica wasn't.
"So
am I!" Monica defended herself. "Just because I don't tell tales on Ross when
I'm thirty years old doesn't mean I'm not responsible!"
"When
it comes to something like this it does!" Judy argued. Monica sighed she should
have known her mother would never say anything bad about her precious Ross.
"How could you not tell us you were pregnant?"
"Because
I knew you'd react like this! Boy was I wrong!" she muttered sarcastically.
"Monica!
This is a big deal!" Jack said. She felt like he was siding with Judy against
her, and it was too much for her.
"Mom,
I don't know what Ross has told you, but I'm keeping this baby. No matter what
you guys, or Ross, or anyone else says," Monica insisted.
"Sweetheart,
we're not saying you shouldn't keep the baby. We just think maybe you should
get some counselling or something," Jack suggested gently.
"Dad,
I don't need counselling. I'm fine," Monica told them, but her voice had lost
its strength, she just felt tired, let down and miserable. "Look, I'm gonna go
home. Give me a call when you decide to act like real parents," she said
bitterly.
"Sweetheart!"
jack called after her as Monica turned and walked wearily down her parents
driveway and ignored her Dad's efforts to make her turn back.
When
she got back home, Monica half fell onto the couch and closed her eyes. She
waited for the tears to come, but none did. She had cried too much since
Chandler died to cry about her parents. She was used to it. One more episode
like this wasn't enough to reduce her to tears anymore. She supposed she had
grown up. But if this was what it felt like to grow up, she would rather not.
In a way, she just felt empty, as if every time she cried, a little of her soul
was dissolved by her tears, and now she had cried it all away
She
lay there for a long time, but she didn't cry and she didn't sleep. She tried
hard not to even think. Joey was out on a date, and Monica knew he probably
wouldn't come over. Phoebe might, but the lights were off, so she would
probably think no one was home.
The
last time she had felt this bad about her parents was in London, and she'd had
Chandler to 'comfort' her then. But now she had no one. Monica stroked her
stomach. The baby was the only thing she had left now. And even that couldn't
bring her much pleasure when it divided the group and made her parents hate
her.
Monica
knew she must have fallen asleep, because she woke up in her bedroom, and had
no recollection of getting up from the couch and going into her room. She
changed her clothes and went out into the living room. The apartment was empty,
but that didn't mean that someone hadn't been there earlier.
She
didn't make herself any breakfast; she wasn't hungry, even though she hadn't
eaten for twenty-four hours or so. Monica never knew what to do with herself
anymore. She was only working two days a week in the restaurant now, and she
didn't like to ask Joey and Phoebe to come round, in case they felt like they
had no choice. And she still wasn't speaking to Ross and Rachel.
At
least, she thought she wasn't speaking to them, because just then, Rachel came
in. she looked like she hadn't really expected Monica to be there, or not awake
anyway.
"Hi,"
she mumbled awkwardly.
"Hey,"
Monica replied. They wouldn't look at each other, and there was an
uncomfortable silence.
"Mon,
I'm sorry," Rachel said suddenly. "This whole thing has gone on far too long.
And its all your stupid brother's fault!"
"Refusing
to take any of the blame yourself, as usual," Monica remarked.
"I
guess that's fair," Rachel said through clenched teeth, biting her tongue to
stop the bitchy comments that sprang to it.
"Yes
it is. Rach, you're supposed to be my best friend, yet you sided against me
with Ross, your ex-boyfriend," Monica said bitterly.
"I
know, I know, I'm so sorry Monica, really I am. But everyone hated Ross, and I
guess I felt sorry for him. But I know I hurt you and I'm sorry," Rachel said
seriously.
"You
expect me to forgive you for months of betrayal, just like that?" Monica asked,
snapping her fingers as she said 'that'.
"No,"
Rachel admitted. "But come on, we've been friends too long to let this get in
the way."
"Rachel,
this isn't a little thing. It's a huge, great big thing. You and Ross thought I
wasn't capable of having a baby, that I was unstable, or God knows what!"
Monica argued.
"I
know," Rachel whined, "But can't we please put it behind us?" Monica sighed.
"Fine,"
she agreed sulkily. Rachel grinned and hugged her, but Monica remained stiff
and unresponsive.
Rachel
stayed and tried to keep the conversation going for a while longer, but Monica
refused to let things go back to normal right away. They were talking again,
which she was relieved about, but there was still bitterness between them that
would take more than one morning of gossip to rectify.
Ross
and Rachel were still friends, but over the next month they slowly grew apart,
as Rachel tried to worm herself into the now very close group of Monica, Joey
and Phoebe. But right now, Rachel was kind of in the middle, not really
belonging to either side.
After
the initial shock of Monica finally standing up to them, Jack and Judy Geller
were more supportive. Although they did offer to adopt their grandchild,
supposedly to save Monica the bother. She was so offended by that, she was
ready to disown her parents, but Joey and the others convinced her that by
doing that, she would be giving them exactly what they wanted. Ross even called
and left a message saying that she should seriously consider their parents
offer, so she could get on with her life and forget about Chandler.
When
Monica came home and heard that message on her answer machine, she was furious.
Both with her parents for spreading something like that, and with Ross for
believing it. She instinctively moved her hand over her slightly rounded
stomach.
She
marched over to Ross's apartment and hammered on his door. He answered it,
armed with a child's water pistol; obviously thinking it was the kids in his
building. When he saw it was Monica he frowned.
"Put
that stupid thing down," she snapped angrily. Sheepishly, Ross did so. "I got
your message," she announced icily.
Ross
had the gall to ask: "Which message?" Monica was so shocked that she slapped
him without even thinking about it. Ross held his hand to his cheek where she
had hit him and stared at her like he couldn't believe what she had just done.
It was an expression that mirrored Monica's mind. Had she really just hit her
big brother? "I'm sorry Ross," she said finally. "I'm sorry, but I just
couldn't believe that you agreed with Mom when she saying I can't look after my
own child! How would you have felt if she offered to adopt Ben so you could
forget about Carol?"
Ross
looked at his feet. "I can't imagine," he muttered.
"You
always used to side with me when they started having a go at me. Only now
you're agreeing with them," she continued.
"Mon,"
Ross began, but Monica interrupted him, refusing to give him a chance to
explain.
"And
how could you say I should forget about Chandler? Ross, he's your best friend!
You know how much I loved him, how much I still love him. Don't ask me to
forget about him because I can't. I will never forget about him, I wouldn't
want to. He was my husband for God's sake!"
"Mon,
I'm sorry. But I do think Mom's right. You're so stressed and upset about
Chandler that maybe looking after a baby isn't what you need right now," Ross
said, trying to sound reasonable.
"I
can't forget about him Ross," she said in a much weaker voice.
"I
know, that was a dumb thing to say," Ross grudgingly admitted.
"Yeah"
Monica agreed.
"But
you really wouldn't believe all the shit Mom's been telling me about how
unstable you are, how you talk to Chandler and won't accept that he's dead. She
told me you expect this baby to be exactly like Chandler, that you'll hate it
if its not," Ross said. Monica gasped; shocked at the lies her Mom had been
spreading about her.
"Ross,
that's bullshit! You know what Mom's like when it comes to taking any
opportunity to pick on me!" Monica reminded him. Ross looked down and scuffed
the toe of his smart black shoes, like a naughty school kid.
"Yeah,
I guess. But I thought at least some of it was true, so it made sense that the
rest would be true as well," Ross explained.
"The
best way to make someone believe a lie is to sandwich it between two truths,"
Monica quoted.
"Yeah,
I s'pose you're right," Ross mumbled.
"We
haven't spoken for four months. You just made up your mind when I first told
you, and because we haven't talked since then, you've just held to that stupid
decision and now you won't change it, even though you know you're wrong,"
Monica exclaimed, frustrated. Ross didn't say anything; he knew she was right.
Monica stayed silent, waiting hopefully for an apology she knew wouldn't come.
Ross was too proud to accept that he should be sorry for the things he had said
the night Monica announced she was pregnant.
"Sorry
about the message. I suppose I shouldn't believe everything Mom tells me, huh?"
Ross admitted. Monica sighed. She knew it was the closest thing to an apology
she would get out of him.
Monica
didn't want to linger at Ross's apartment; there was no reason to stay. It had
only been four months, but she doubted they would ever be as close as they once
had been. She went back to her apartment, which, unusually, was empty. A note
by the phone in Phoebe's handwriting said her boss had called, asking if she
could work a couple of extra days at the restaurant next week. She didn't mind
working extra; it took her mind off Chandler, and the baby. Suddenly, Monica
felt really tired. Confronting Ross had exhausted her, but she was glad she had
done it. She lay down on the couch, her hand resting on her stomach, as if to
protect her unborn baby. She promised herself she would only take a nap, but
the pillow was so soft, and she hadn't slept properly for five months, so she
fell deeply asleep.
To
Be Continued…