THE DATING GAME - WEEK 1
Lupin: Hey everyone! Remus Lupin here, and we're now on the first week of our game show. Apparently, Colin has just sunk to the bottom of the ocean, (cheers are heard in the background) so we're now down one contestant. Our remaining competitors are...wait a sec! What's that?!
(The camera zooms onto a little speck swimming/sinking around near the island)
Lupin: Believe it or not, (I'd personally prefer 'not') Colin has actually survived his little, er, incident, and is still in the running (groans are heard in the background). Shut up already! His mom's watching this!
Meanwhile, Colin swims to shore...
Colin: (stares in awe at a plant eating a an ice cream cone) What a beautiful and exotic...(crosses his legs) I really have to go to the potty!
[Colin runs to the nearest outhouse (since when were there bathrooms on deserted island?)]
Washroom sign: Open Seasonally
Colin: NOOOOOOO! (looks at some nearby rose bushes) Guess I'll have to use the bushes then...
Sign above bush: The bush below serves as a emergency bathroom when the nearby outhouse isn't working, and is property of I.P Freely. Temporarily out of service. Please water regularly
Colin: Oh no! Oh well... (does, er, something, and sighs in relief)
Death Eater (I.P. Freely): Hey! What the heck did you do with my bushes?!
Colin: You're I.P Freely? Er...well, they needed to be watered, so...
I.P. Freely: Arg! I didn't mean by doing whatever you did! (jumps on Colin, and...)
On the other side of the island...
Parvati: (whining) We haven't found a single rat to eat for two whole minutes!
Hermione: Hmm...oh, there are supposed to be loads, we'll just have to wait a bit...
Parvati: But there's not intelligent life here! I'm sure of it!
Ginny: What about us?
Hermione: We don't count as "intelligent life"
Ginny: Oh...I see
(Suddenly, someone jumps out of the bushes)
Colin: Hey everyone, I'm baaaaaaaaaack!
Cho Chang: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (points at Colin) IT'S THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!! RUN!!! (screams)
Hermione: Oh, she's gone nuts again! That's Colin, not a bunny (wait a sec, he does look like a bunny...ugly teeth, big ears, pink fur...no sunglasses though)
Ginny: You're wrong...
Hermione: Excuse me? I'm never wrong!!! I've read all about this island, and there aren't any bunnies here, unless...
Parvati: (gasp!) Look!
(The Energizer Bunny shows up, beating his little war drum)
Colin: Ooooooh! I wanna get a picture of this! (Colin is promptly eaten by the bunny as he sets his tripod up)
Ginny: RUN!!!
Hermione: Oh, it's not a bunny, it's an Animagus! Real bunnies don't wear sunglasses!
Ginny: This bunny I saw on TV did! It was pink, and it keeps going, and going, and...AAAAAAH!
(The bunny turns into Sirius, and he pukes Colin out)
Sirius: Surprise! You've gotta shower more often, Colin!
Colin: But...I just took one a month ago! It's way too soon to have another one!
Hermione: Yeah, but what do you bathe in?!
Colin: Well, my dad's a milkman, so I take a bath in milk...I like skim milk, it helps me lose weight!
Sirius: Whatever...hey, where's Cho?
Ginny: Er, over there
Cho: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!!
Hermione: Tsk, tsk, not again! I mean, really! What's up with...
(Parvati, Ginny, and Colin walk away to find Cho)
Hermione: Fine! Leave me here! I'll do fine by myself!
Somewhere else on the island...
Ginny: Oh, I can't wait to see the bunny!
Parvati: Same here! I bet it's really cute and fluffy...AHHHHHH!
(Cho points to a basilisk)
Cho: It's the Energizer Bunny!!!
Ginny: Oh, it's so cute...wait a sec...
Colin: Oh, I wanna picture!!!
(Colin gets his camera out, and is promptly petrified by the basilisk)
Parvati: Oh, we better find Hermione! I think she'd know what to do!
(Cho, however, doesn't leave and gets eaten by the basilisk. Ginny and Parvati run while the basilisk ties on a bib with a yellow ducky on it)
Cho's mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Lupin: Don't panic! Don't panic! She's not really dead!
(The basilisk burps and spits out a bone)
Lockhart: It's all publicity, folks! No one would watch this show if...
Lupin: Shut up! (Lockhart sulks and walks towards his dressing room) Er...not to worry, not to worry... (ducks a blow from Mrs. Chang's frying pan) She'll still get her t-shirt...er, let's go back to the show, shall we?
Meanwhile...
(Hermione sleeps peacefully on a hammock outside her five floor mansion while monkey servants serve her alcoholic cocktails)
Ginny: Hermione! We...(looks at the house) How did you...?
Parvati: Wow, you got monkey servants too!
Hermione: And the house is made of 100% organic material
Parvati: (gasp!) You didn't...
Hermione: I used elephant dung for the bathroom...very organic, indeed...
Ginny: We need some orange juice...er, Mandrake juice...for my dear Colin (sniff, sniff)
Hermione: Mandrake juice is in the...hic!...fridge on the 5th floor! It tastes good with some...hic!...ice
Parvati: I just checked there...all you have are some martinis and olives...(a dinging sound is heard) (squeal) It's the ice cream truck!
(Parvati and Ginny throw Colin over a cliff and run towards the ice cream truck)
Meanwhile, in an underground lair on the island...
Voldemort: The game show contestants have arrived, Wormtail...I believe you have a plan of how to get rid of them, so I can finally tan in privacy?
Wormtail: Yes, my lord! Er, this Muggle camping book I got from a junky book sale says that a lot of people can die from fear, Master...
Voldemort: Indeed, Wormtail? Alright, stand back, I found something I can transform into from a horror novel...stand back...
(Voldemort disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears as Barney)
Wormtail: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (dies)
Voldemort: Oh that wasn't scary enough...(picks up a random magazine from the floor, which happens to be littered with soda cans) Eek! Yes...I believe this will work...
TO BE CONTINUED
_______________________________________________________________
Next time on the Dating Game...
-Hermione's five floor mansion gets infested with Blast-Ended Skrewts!
-Voldemort tries to scare the contestants to death!
-What's up with an ice-cream truck on a deserted island?
-Will Colin ever get his Mandrake juice?
-Another contestant will be eliminated and get his/her t-shirt!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related material is property of J.K. Rowling (applause!), Barney is property of, er, whatever company owns him (I'm sorry, I don't remember anymore), the Energizer Bunny is obviously property of Energizer. Thanx, and don't sue me.
Lupin: Hey everyone! Remus Lupin here, and we're now on the first week of our game show. Apparently, Colin has just sunk to the bottom of the ocean, (cheers are heard in the background) so we're now down one contestant. Our remaining competitors are...wait a sec! What's that?!
(The camera zooms onto a little speck swimming/sinking around near the island)
Lupin: Believe it or not, (I'd personally prefer 'not') Colin has actually survived his little, er, incident, and is still in the running (groans are heard in the background). Shut up already! His mom's watching this!
Meanwhile, Colin swims to shore...
Colin: (stares in awe at a plant eating a an ice cream cone) What a beautiful and exotic...(crosses his legs) I really have to go to the potty!
[Colin runs to the nearest outhouse (since when were there bathrooms on deserted island?)]
Washroom sign: Open Seasonally
Colin: NOOOOOOO! (looks at some nearby rose bushes) Guess I'll have to use the bushes then...
Sign above bush: The bush below serves as a emergency bathroom when the nearby outhouse isn't working, and is property of I.P Freely. Temporarily out of service. Please water regularly
Colin: Oh no! Oh well... (does, er, something, and sighs in relief)
Death Eater (I.P. Freely): Hey! What the heck did you do with my bushes?!
Colin: You're I.P Freely? Er...well, they needed to be watered, so...
I.P. Freely: Arg! I didn't mean by doing whatever you did! (jumps on Colin, and...)
On the other side of the island...
Parvati: (whining) We haven't found a single rat to eat for two whole minutes!
Hermione: Hmm...oh, there are supposed to be loads, we'll just have to wait a bit...
Parvati: But there's not intelligent life here! I'm sure of it!
Ginny: What about us?
Hermione: We don't count as "intelligent life"
Ginny: Oh...I see
(Suddenly, someone jumps out of the bushes)
Colin: Hey everyone, I'm baaaaaaaaaack!
Cho Chang: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (points at Colin) IT'S THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!! RUN!!! (screams)
Hermione: Oh, she's gone nuts again! That's Colin, not a bunny (wait a sec, he does look like a bunny...ugly teeth, big ears, pink fur...no sunglasses though)
Ginny: You're wrong...
Hermione: Excuse me? I'm never wrong!!! I've read all about this island, and there aren't any bunnies here, unless...
Parvati: (gasp!) Look!
(The Energizer Bunny shows up, beating his little war drum)
Colin: Ooooooh! I wanna get a picture of this! (Colin is promptly eaten by the bunny as he sets his tripod up)
Ginny: RUN!!!
Hermione: Oh, it's not a bunny, it's an Animagus! Real bunnies don't wear sunglasses!
Ginny: This bunny I saw on TV did! It was pink, and it keeps going, and going, and...AAAAAAH!
(The bunny turns into Sirius, and he pukes Colin out)
Sirius: Surprise! You've gotta shower more often, Colin!
Colin: But...I just took one a month ago! It's way too soon to have another one!
Hermione: Yeah, but what do you bathe in?!
Colin: Well, my dad's a milkman, so I take a bath in milk...I like skim milk, it helps me lose weight!
Sirius: Whatever...hey, where's Cho?
Ginny: Er, over there
Cho: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THE ENERGIZER BUNNY!!!
Hermione: Tsk, tsk, not again! I mean, really! What's up with...
(Parvati, Ginny, and Colin walk away to find Cho)
Hermione: Fine! Leave me here! I'll do fine by myself!
Somewhere else on the island...
Ginny: Oh, I can't wait to see the bunny!
Parvati: Same here! I bet it's really cute and fluffy...AHHHHHH!
(Cho points to a basilisk)
Cho: It's the Energizer Bunny!!!
Ginny: Oh, it's so cute...wait a sec...
Colin: Oh, I wanna picture!!!
(Colin gets his camera out, and is promptly petrified by the basilisk)
Parvati: Oh, we better find Hermione! I think she'd know what to do!
(Cho, however, doesn't leave and gets eaten by the basilisk. Ginny and Parvati run while the basilisk ties on a bib with a yellow ducky on it)
Cho's mom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Lupin: Don't panic! Don't panic! She's not really dead!
(The basilisk burps and spits out a bone)
Lockhart: It's all publicity, folks! No one would watch this show if...
Lupin: Shut up! (Lockhart sulks and walks towards his dressing room) Er...not to worry, not to worry... (ducks a blow from Mrs. Chang's frying pan) She'll still get her t-shirt...er, let's go back to the show, shall we?
Meanwhile...
(Hermione sleeps peacefully on a hammock outside her five floor mansion while monkey servants serve her alcoholic cocktails)
Ginny: Hermione! We...(looks at the house) How did you...?
Parvati: Wow, you got monkey servants too!
Hermione: And the house is made of 100% organic material
Parvati: (gasp!) You didn't...
Hermione: I used elephant dung for the bathroom...very organic, indeed...
Ginny: We need some orange juice...er, Mandrake juice...for my dear Colin (sniff, sniff)
Hermione: Mandrake juice is in the...hic!...fridge on the 5th floor! It tastes good with some...hic!...ice
Parvati: I just checked there...all you have are some martinis and olives...(a dinging sound is heard) (squeal) It's the ice cream truck!
(Parvati and Ginny throw Colin over a cliff and run towards the ice cream truck)
Meanwhile, in an underground lair on the island...
Voldemort: The game show contestants have arrived, Wormtail...I believe you have a plan of how to get rid of them, so I can finally tan in privacy?
Wormtail: Yes, my lord! Er, this Muggle camping book I got from a junky book sale says that a lot of people can die from fear, Master...
Voldemort: Indeed, Wormtail? Alright, stand back, I found something I can transform into from a horror novel...stand back...
(Voldemort disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears as Barney)
Wormtail: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (dies)
Voldemort: Oh that wasn't scary enough...(picks up a random magazine from the floor, which happens to be littered with soda cans) Eek! Yes...I believe this will work...
TO BE CONTINUED
_______________________________________________________________
Next time on the Dating Game...
-Hermione's five floor mansion gets infested with Blast-Ended Skrewts!
-Voldemort tries to scare the contestants to death!
-What's up with an ice-cream truck on a deserted island?
-Will Colin ever get his Mandrake juice?
-Another contestant will be eliminated and get his/her t-shirt!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related material is property of J.K. Rowling (applause!), Barney is property of, er, whatever company owns him (I'm sorry, I don't remember anymore), the Energizer Bunny is obviously property of Energizer. Thanx, and don't sue me.