Shinra T.V.
A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell
Episode II
Coverage of the Shinra Picnic
( The familiar Shinra logo appears on T.V. screens all over the Planet. The
trademark Shinra T.V. xylophone theme plays, and the fat visage of Heidegger
appears on the screen soon after. )
Heidegger: GYA HA HA! Welcome to another broadcast of Shinra T.V. Today
we will be covering the annual Shinra Employee Picnic, as well as breaking
news throughout the Planet. Now, here's your anchorman, Tseng! ( He stares
into the camera a few moments, then suddenly releases a massive amount of
gas, the reverberations rattling the entire soundstage, and Midgar itself,
only rivaled by the firing of the Sister Ray )
Cameraman #1: Uh...we were..still rolling...
Heidegger: GYA?!! SWITCH TO CAMERA TWO!!
( They switch to camera two. Tseng has been knocked over by the massive
ass-explosion, his feet sticking up over his desk, one shoe missing. They
quickly switch to camera three, where we see the familiar weather map, and a
wide-eyed Elena )
Elena: Uh...we..we..are recieving reports now...of..a 4.5 earthquake
in Midgar. Uh..the epicenter has been pinpointed at the Shinra
building...soundstage one...significant damage in most areas, with a total of
three casualties so far...
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) OH SHUT UP!! SWITCH BACK TO CAMERA TWO!!
( The camera switches back to Tseng, who has composed himself by now )
Tseng: Uh..th-thank you, Elena..for that late-breaking news.
Uh..welcome, citizens, to Shinra T.V. Our first report is by senior reporter,
Reno. We now go to him, on location, at the Shinra Employee Picnic.
( The scene switches to a large, blackened and barren field, decorated with
Shinra flags and pennants. Many Shinra employees roaming around aimlessly )
Reno: Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with President Rufus Shinra. Give us
something interesting.
Rufus: ( Standing there with a straw sunhat with a pink hatband on
his head ) Good day. I am President Rufus Shinra. We are having a picnic.
There is no food, no recreation, and no flora or fauna. We are here on the
outskirts of Midgar, playing, "Look Like You're Having Fun For The Camera's
Or I'll Shoot You". So far only one person has lost.
( The camera pans over to a dead body a few yards away, flies now buzzing
around the corpse )
Reno: I see...well, this seems like a ton of fun. What other games
are you playing?
Rufus: That's pretty much it for now. ( An employee walks by,
looking very unhappy ) Aha! Another loser! ( He raises his shotgun and fires
at the mans head. As his cranium explodes in a shower of blood and bone, the
scene switches back to Tseng )
Tseng: Wonderful. We'll check back with Reno later. Now we move to
our Psychiatric Report with special reporter, Rude.
( The Scene fades to Clouds house. Cloud is laying on his bed, and Rude is
standing in the foreground with a microphone )
Rude: ...Thanks. I'm here with..Cloud Strife. He has problems. Let
us talk to him, shall we...? ( He steps backward to Cloud's bedside )
Cloud: But, really... I'm okay now. I'm over that whole, "I don't
know who I am" deal. Honest!
Crewman: Yeah, yeah. Shut up and read the cue cards..oops! ( Runs
off-camera )
Rude: Hello, Mister Strife. How are you today?
Cloud: ( Squinting off camera at the cue cards )
Oh..I..am...not..okay.. Oh...my...my head...my head...God...help
me....I...am....not Cloud....who...am I?
...Please...give...me...a....uh..number?
Rude: There, there. It'll be okay. ( He pats Cloud on the head )
Cloud: This is so stupid...
Crewman: That does it! ( Holds up a huge picture of Sephiroths face )
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SEPHIROTH!! NO!!! ( Falls to the floor,
clutching his head )
Rude: ...........................Uh.......
Cloud: *Sniff* ...I...am...who? Who am I? AAARGH!!
Rude: There...there...?
Cloud: ( Sits up, tears in his eyes ) Can..can I have a hug...?
Rude: ........ ( Leans over and reluctantly gives Cloud a hug )
Cloud: M-mommy...? Is..that you, mommy?
Rude: Uh...no....
Cloud: MOMMY!!! ( Rips Rude's shirt open and begins sucking on his
nipple like a child trying to nurse )
Rude: ............. ( A smile slowly finds it's way to his face as
he pats Cloud's head again )
( The camera moves back to Tseng )
Tseng: ( Staring at the monitor, his jaw dropped ) Uh....... Palmer?
( The scene switches to Palmer, who is standing in the middle of Cosmo Canyon
)
Palmer: Hey-hey!! I'm here at the famed Cosmo Canyon, where the sky
is really red all the time for no apparent reason! Today I am covering a
special interest story... Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom!
Red XIII: ( Walks up to Palmer, weeping ) Grandfather....
Palmer: HEY-HEY!! Doggy! You're the..uh...GRANDSON of that old man
with Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom, right?!
Red XIII: Yes...and his name is Bugenhagen....
Palmer: Sooo, how does it feel to know your grandpa is a loonypoo?
Red XIII: GRRR!!! ( Leaps on palmer and begins mauling him )
Cid: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Is this thing rollin'?
Barret: ( Pops up behind Cid ) I thank so...
Cid: Barret...pull my finger... ( Extends his hand to Barret, the
index finger pointed outward )
Barret: Hehehehehehehe.. ( Grabs Cid's finger and pulls )
( Silence......... )
Cid & Barret: .......................................
***BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!***
Cid & Barret: ( Dash away, giggling )
( The shot swings back to Tseng )
Tseng: That was...abnormal. We now bring you another look at the
ongoing Shinra Annual Employee Picnic. Here's Reno.
( Scene fades back to that black and barren field again, now with about 5
dead bodies scattered about )
Reno: It seems the picnic is winding down now. Any comments,
President Rufus?
Rufus: ( Standing there with that sunhat on still, but now a
misquito net dangles over his face, a flyswatter in one hand ) Yes. I'd like
to say that even though I've lost a few loyal employees on this outing... (
He raises the shotgun and blasts a hole through the abdomen of another
unhappy looking employee ) ...I think we all had a good time. Didn't we?
( All but one employee answer... that one employee soon finds himself dead )
Rufus: Glad you all agree with me. I think we'll head on inside now..
It's getting late. ( He spots a bug on Reno's face and empties a can of "Off"
onto Reno's head, causing him to pass out ) Good. Little boogers. ( He then
steps up into his helicopter which takes off toward the Shinra Building far
off in the distance )
Reno: *Cough* Ugh..er..back..to you...Tseng... *Sneeze* ( Passes
out )
( Back to Tseng we gooooooo )
Tseng: Thank you one and all. This has been another addition of
Shinra TV. Until next time, I'm Tseng, signing off.
Heidegger: GYA HA HA!!!
( The scene fades to black )
Stay tuned for the next episode of Shinra TV!
The
End
All characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998
A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell
Episode II
Coverage of the Shinra Picnic
( The familiar Shinra logo appears on T.V. screens all over the Planet. The
trademark Shinra T.V. xylophone theme plays, and the fat visage of Heidegger
appears on the screen soon after. )
Heidegger: GYA HA HA! Welcome to another broadcast of Shinra T.V. Today
we will be covering the annual Shinra Employee Picnic, as well as breaking
news throughout the Planet. Now, here's your anchorman, Tseng! ( He stares
into the camera a few moments, then suddenly releases a massive amount of
gas, the reverberations rattling the entire soundstage, and Midgar itself,
only rivaled by the firing of the Sister Ray )
Cameraman #1: Uh...we were..still rolling...
Heidegger: GYA?!! SWITCH TO CAMERA TWO!!
( They switch to camera two. Tseng has been knocked over by the massive
ass-explosion, his feet sticking up over his desk, one shoe missing. They
quickly switch to camera three, where we see the familiar weather map, and a
wide-eyed Elena )
Elena: Uh...we..we..are recieving reports now...of..a 4.5 earthquake
in Midgar. Uh..the epicenter has been pinpointed at the Shinra
building...soundstage one...significant damage in most areas, with a total of
three casualties so far...
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) OH SHUT UP!! SWITCH BACK TO CAMERA TWO!!
( The camera switches back to Tseng, who has composed himself by now )
Tseng: Uh..th-thank you, Elena..for that late-breaking news.
Uh..welcome, citizens, to Shinra T.V. Our first report is by senior reporter,
Reno. We now go to him, on location, at the Shinra Employee Picnic.
( The scene switches to a large, blackened and barren field, decorated with
Shinra flags and pennants. Many Shinra employees roaming around aimlessly )
Reno: Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with President Rufus Shinra. Give us
something interesting.
Rufus: ( Standing there with a straw sunhat with a pink hatband on
his head ) Good day. I am President Rufus Shinra. We are having a picnic.
There is no food, no recreation, and no flora or fauna. We are here on the
outskirts of Midgar, playing, "Look Like You're Having Fun For The Camera's
Or I'll Shoot You". So far only one person has lost.
( The camera pans over to a dead body a few yards away, flies now buzzing
around the corpse )
Reno: I see...well, this seems like a ton of fun. What other games
are you playing?
Rufus: That's pretty much it for now. ( An employee walks by,
looking very unhappy ) Aha! Another loser! ( He raises his shotgun and fires
at the mans head. As his cranium explodes in a shower of blood and bone, the
scene switches back to Tseng )
Tseng: Wonderful. We'll check back with Reno later. Now we move to
our Psychiatric Report with special reporter, Rude.
( The Scene fades to Clouds house. Cloud is laying on his bed, and Rude is
standing in the foreground with a microphone )
Rude: ...Thanks. I'm here with..Cloud Strife. He has problems. Let
us talk to him, shall we...? ( He steps backward to Cloud's bedside )
Cloud: But, really... I'm okay now. I'm over that whole, "I don't
know who I am" deal. Honest!
Crewman: Yeah, yeah. Shut up and read the cue cards..oops! ( Runs
off-camera )
Rude: Hello, Mister Strife. How are you today?
Cloud: ( Squinting off camera at the cue cards )
Oh..I..am...not..okay.. Oh...my...my head...my head...God...help
me....I...am....not Cloud....who...am I?
...Please...give...me...a....uh..number?
Rude: There, there. It'll be okay. ( He pats Cloud on the head )
Cloud: This is so stupid...
Crewman: That does it! ( Holds up a huge picture of Sephiroths face )
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SEPHIROTH!! NO!!! ( Falls to the floor,
clutching his head )
Rude: ...........................Uh.......
Cloud: *Sniff* ...I...am...who? Who am I? AAARGH!!
Rude: There...there...?
Cloud: ( Sits up, tears in his eyes ) Can..can I have a hug...?
Rude: ........ ( Leans over and reluctantly gives Cloud a hug )
Cloud: M-mommy...? Is..that you, mommy?
Rude: Uh...no....
Cloud: MOMMY!!! ( Rips Rude's shirt open and begins sucking on his
nipple like a child trying to nurse )
Rude: ............. ( A smile slowly finds it's way to his face as
he pats Cloud's head again )
( The camera moves back to Tseng )
Tseng: ( Staring at the monitor, his jaw dropped ) Uh....... Palmer?
( The scene switches to Palmer, who is standing in the middle of Cosmo Canyon
)
Palmer: Hey-hey!! I'm here at the famed Cosmo Canyon, where the sky
is really red all the time for no apparent reason! Today I am covering a
special interest story... Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom!
Red XIII: ( Walks up to Palmer, weeping ) Grandfather....
Palmer: HEY-HEY!! Doggy! You're the..uh...GRANDSON of that old man
with Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom, right?!
Red XIII: Yes...and his name is Bugenhagen....
Palmer: Sooo, how does it feel to know your grandpa is a loonypoo?
Red XIII: GRRR!!! ( Leaps on palmer and begins mauling him )
Cid: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Is this thing rollin'?
Barret: ( Pops up behind Cid ) I thank so...
Cid: Barret...pull my finger... ( Extends his hand to Barret, the
index finger pointed outward )
Barret: Hehehehehehehe.. ( Grabs Cid's finger and pulls )
( Silence......... )
Cid & Barret: .......................................
***BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!***
Cid & Barret: ( Dash away, giggling )
( The shot swings back to Tseng )
Tseng: That was...abnormal. We now bring you another look at the
ongoing Shinra Annual Employee Picnic. Here's Reno.
( Scene fades back to that black and barren field again, now with about 5
dead bodies scattered about )
Reno: It seems the picnic is winding down now. Any comments,
President Rufus?
Rufus: ( Standing there with that sunhat on still, but now a
misquito net dangles over his face, a flyswatter in one hand ) Yes. I'd like
to say that even though I've lost a few loyal employees on this outing... (
He raises the shotgun and blasts a hole through the abdomen of another
unhappy looking employee ) ...I think we all had a good time. Didn't we?
( All but one employee answer... that one employee soon finds himself dead )
Rufus: Glad you all agree with me. I think we'll head on inside now..
It's getting late. ( He spots a bug on Reno's face and empties a can of "Off"
onto Reno's head, causing him to pass out ) Good. Little boogers. ( He then
steps up into his helicopter which takes off toward the Shinra Building far
off in the distance )
Reno: *Cough* Ugh..er..back..to you...Tseng... *Sneeze* ( Passes
out )
( Back to Tseng we gooooooo )
Tseng: Thank you one and all. This has been another addition of
Shinra TV. Until next time, I'm Tseng, signing off.
Heidegger: GYA HA HA!!!
( The scene fades to black )
Stay tuned for the next episode of Shinra TV!
The
End
All characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998