Shinra T.V.
A Final Fantasy VII Series
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell
Episode III
Rocket Town Garage Sale
( The Shinra logo flashes onscreen, lighting up homes all over the planet,
inducing a few seizures in the process. The xylophone theme plays and ends on
a sour note as Heidegger flops on after the logo fades )
Heidegger: GYA HA!! Welcome to another edition of Shinra TV! Today we'll be
covering such stories as President Rufus' new line of hair gel, the Mister T
disease known as "Sucka Foo'", and the Rocket Town Garage Sale! Now here's
your anchorman, Tseng! GYA HA!
Tseng: ( Tseng appears ) Thanks, Heidy...
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) DON'T CALL ME THAT!! GYA!!
Tseng: ...and welcome, citizens. Before we begin all
those...interesting--and I use that term loosely--stories, let's get the
weather report from Elena.
Elena: ( Appears onscreen, the large map of the Planet lit up behind her
) Thanks, Tseng! Today we will be having another normal cloudy, smoggy day.
The seas will be choppy and the humidity will make it seem 123 degrees in
Midgar! A few degrees lower in the slums, of course, but who really cares
about those "people"? Back to you, Tseng.
Tseng: ( Reappears onscreen ) Thanks Elena. And for your reference, the
people in the slums do have televisions. And for the people in the slums'
reference, Elena's address is 2234 Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar Sector 0.
Elena: ( Offscreen ) AAAAAAAAIIIEEEE!!!!! Tseng...!!!
Tseng: And now onto our first story. Reno is covering the new line of
hair gel which is sweeping the Planet. Rufus Shinra's "My Hair is Godly And
You Should Respect It, You Loser", gel. Reno?
Reno: ( The scene switches to that of Rufus' office on the 70th floor
of the Shinra Building ) Yo! Reno here, covering the fastest growing line of
Hair Gel since Rufus' "You Couldn't Have Hair That Looked Like Mine Even If
You Bought 500 Cases Of This Hair Gel" gel. Of course, due to bad
marketting--duh--the sales fell short and Rufus decided to nix the project,
up 'til now. Here's the man of the hour, Rufus Shinra.
Rufus: ( Seated at his desk with a box of his new gel in front of him )
Hello. I am here to promote my new hair gel, "My Hair Is Godly And You Should
Respect It, You Loser", gel. The most high-tech, revolutionized hair gel of
all time.
Reno: Can you open it up and show us how it works?
Rufus: Uh...I didn't think you were going to ask that...can't it be a
surprise?
Reno: If it is, I won't have a story. Just open the damn box and show
us!
Rufus: .....You're being lynched after this, I assure you...Fine. (
Opens the box and pulls out a small water spritzer, a blue plastic comb, and
a peice of aged cheese )
Reno: ..What the hell is all that about? I can understand the water
thing and the comb, but cheese?!
Rufus: Yes. You wet your hair with the spritzer, comb it...then rub the
cheese on your folicles.
Reno: What's the point of the cheese treatment?
Rufus: ....We ran out of ideas for cheap things to put in the kit, so we
just threw some cheese in at the last second to make it seem more worth the
money, okay?!
Reno: So your new line of hair gel is a scam?
Rufus: ( Raises his shotgun, aiming it at Reno ) That does it..!
Reno: ARGH!! Tseng!! HELP!! AAHH!! PUT THAT CAMERA DOWN AND--
***KA-BLAM***
( The screen goes blank as the shot rings out )
Tseng: ( Reading an article in, "Hunky Long Black Hair Magazine" ) Huh?
Oh, we're back already? Thanks, Reno. Now here's Rude with a report on the
Mister T disease, "Sucka Foo'".
Rude: ( Sitting in a small white chair, wearing a little pink bonnet on
his bald head and holding a small cup of tea in one hand, his microphone in
the other ) ....Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with Marlene Wallace....daughter of
Barret Wallace, who has the Sucka Foo' disease....
Marlene: Do you want some more tea, Mister Rude?!
Rude: ..Uh..sure.. thanks.
Marlene: ( Pours Rude some imaginary tea into his little yellow cup )
You're welcome! Would you like some tea, Pooky-Wookums? ( Pours the Mako Bear
some tea as well )
Rude: Anyway...I'm waiting for Mister Wallace now, who went out to buy
some gold chains.... As you may guess, he has fallen into an extreme stage of
this potentially fatal disease...
Barret: ( Smashes in through the window, his hair made into a mowhawk,
chains hanging from his neck, his hands covered in rings ) What da' hell be
goin' on in here?!
Rude: Hello, Mister Wallace..I'm Rude...from Shin--
Barret: Izzat you, Murdock?! Come on, foo'! We gotta go save da'
Colonel!! ( Grabs Rude by the shoulder and tosses him out the window, his
little bonnet flying from his bald head )
Rude: AAAAAAAHHHH......!!!!! ***CRASH***
Barret: YEAH!! I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MISTAH B!! SUCKA!! WHO'RE
YOU?! ARGH!! ( Grabs the camera and smashes it over his knee )
Tseng: ( After a few seconds of static, appears onscreen. He is now
filing his fingernails ) Huh..? Oh! Why are all our reports ending so quickly
today? Well, anyway... Here is our final story for today. The annual Rocket
Town Garage Sale began today. Palmer is on location now.
Palmer: ( His big fat mug appears onscreen ) HEY-HEY!!!
( One loud scream echoes across the Planet, as every Shinra TV viewer howls
in terror )
Cameraman#1:Er...sorry....the zoom was stuck... ( Zooms out, away from
Palmers face )
Palmer: Anywho, I'm here in Rocket Town covering the Garage sale! Let's
go over to this guys pile of crap first!! Hey-hey! What's all this garbage,
and why should I buy it?
Joke Teller: Garbage?!? These are all family heirlooms and antiques!
Palmer: Like this here pile of fake plastic doggy poopies?!
Jake Teller: SON-OF-A-BITCH!! ( Stomps away in a huff )
Palmer: Well, ooooook---aaay! Let's go over and see Cid Highwinds table!
( Wobbles over to Cid's table, knocking several people over with his
wide-range hips )
Shera: Hi, Palmer! How are you?
Palmer: Hey-hey! I'm hunky dory, Shera! So this is Cid's table?! Mind if
we take a PEEK-A-ROONIE?!
Shera: Sure thing. Would you like some tea? I can run inside and make
some.
Palmer: Oh yes, please! Plenty of sugar, lemon and LARD!!!
Shera: Right! ( Runs inside to make the strage tea )
Palmer: Hey! Look at all the Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia! I didn't think
Cid would part with all this! ( Picks up a small model of the General Lee and
a Hazzard County Sherriff car model with action Rosco P. Coltraine doll
inside ) WEEE!!! DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOOOO!!! HEEE!!
Cid: ( Smacks Palmers face, causing his massive cheeks to begin
wobbling like Jell-O ) Get yer goddamn paws off that, you damn dirty ape!!
Palmer: ( Cheeks still wobbling ) Hey! Cid?! What'd you do that for?!
Aren't you selling this stuff anyway?!
Cid: WHAT?! YOU *#$&)@#$ING CRAZY?!?! This is all Shera's doing!! Now
git!! Git on outta here!!
Palmer: ( Cheeks are still wobbling ) Okay, okay! Hey! What's this?
Pantyhose? HAHAHAHA!! Cid wears pantyhose!!
Cid: WHAT THE #%$&^?! I DO NOT!! THOSE ARE SHERA'S YOU NUMBSKULL!!
Palmer: Nuh-uh!! They're yours!! I broke a real story for once!!! CID
HIGHWIND WEARS PANTYHOSE!!!
Citizens Of RT:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Cid: THAT DOES IT!!! YOU HAVE BROKEN THE MOTHER #(*$#ING PISSED OFF
METER WITH ME, MISTER FAT-ASS %&$*#!!!!
Palmer: Don't say fa-- ( Palmer was cut off as Cid rammed the pantyhose,
along with a 8" Tom Wopat Action Bow N' Arrow© Doll down his gullet. As
Palmer falls, causing a minor earthquake, the camera switches back to Tseng )
Tseng: Thanks, Palmer. That's all for this edition of Shinra TV. I hope
you all got your money's worth, because our program costs you tax payers a
good million gil bi-monthly. So long!!
Heidegger: Stay tuned next time for more Shinra TV!! Goodnight, Midgar!
( The camera fades out, only to fade in seconds later, showing the Midgar
skyline. The camera pans up and back, catching a glimpse of a rather angry
looking mob, ascending from the slums and onto Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar
Sector 0 )
THE
END
Stay tuned for more Shinra TV!
All characters copyright Squaresoft 1998
A Final Fantasy VII Series
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell
Episode III
Rocket Town Garage Sale
( The Shinra logo flashes onscreen, lighting up homes all over the planet,
inducing a few seizures in the process. The xylophone theme plays and ends on
a sour note as Heidegger flops on after the logo fades )
Heidegger: GYA HA!! Welcome to another edition of Shinra TV! Today we'll be
covering such stories as President Rufus' new line of hair gel, the Mister T
disease known as "Sucka Foo'", and the Rocket Town Garage Sale! Now here's
your anchorman, Tseng! GYA HA!
Tseng: ( Tseng appears ) Thanks, Heidy...
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) DON'T CALL ME THAT!! GYA!!
Tseng: ...and welcome, citizens. Before we begin all
those...interesting--and I use that term loosely--stories, let's get the
weather report from Elena.
Elena: ( Appears onscreen, the large map of the Planet lit up behind her
) Thanks, Tseng! Today we will be having another normal cloudy, smoggy day.
The seas will be choppy and the humidity will make it seem 123 degrees in
Midgar! A few degrees lower in the slums, of course, but who really cares
about those "people"? Back to you, Tseng.
Tseng: ( Reappears onscreen ) Thanks Elena. And for your reference, the
people in the slums do have televisions. And for the people in the slums'
reference, Elena's address is 2234 Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar Sector 0.
Elena: ( Offscreen ) AAAAAAAAIIIEEEE!!!!! Tseng...!!!
Tseng: And now onto our first story. Reno is covering the new line of
hair gel which is sweeping the Planet. Rufus Shinra's "My Hair is Godly And
You Should Respect It, You Loser", gel. Reno?
Reno: ( The scene switches to that of Rufus' office on the 70th floor
of the Shinra Building ) Yo! Reno here, covering the fastest growing line of
Hair Gel since Rufus' "You Couldn't Have Hair That Looked Like Mine Even If
You Bought 500 Cases Of This Hair Gel" gel. Of course, due to bad
marketting--duh--the sales fell short and Rufus decided to nix the project,
up 'til now. Here's the man of the hour, Rufus Shinra.
Rufus: ( Seated at his desk with a box of his new gel in front of him )
Hello. I am here to promote my new hair gel, "My Hair Is Godly And You Should
Respect It, You Loser", gel. The most high-tech, revolutionized hair gel of
all time.
Reno: Can you open it up and show us how it works?
Rufus: Uh...I didn't think you were going to ask that...can't it be a
surprise?
Reno: If it is, I won't have a story. Just open the damn box and show
us!
Rufus: .....You're being lynched after this, I assure you...Fine. (
Opens the box and pulls out a small water spritzer, a blue plastic comb, and
a peice of aged cheese )
Reno: ..What the hell is all that about? I can understand the water
thing and the comb, but cheese?!
Rufus: Yes. You wet your hair with the spritzer, comb it...then rub the
cheese on your folicles.
Reno: What's the point of the cheese treatment?
Rufus: ....We ran out of ideas for cheap things to put in the kit, so we
just threw some cheese in at the last second to make it seem more worth the
money, okay?!
Reno: So your new line of hair gel is a scam?
Rufus: ( Raises his shotgun, aiming it at Reno ) That does it..!
Reno: ARGH!! Tseng!! HELP!! AAHH!! PUT THAT CAMERA DOWN AND--
***KA-BLAM***
( The screen goes blank as the shot rings out )
Tseng: ( Reading an article in, "Hunky Long Black Hair Magazine" ) Huh?
Oh, we're back already? Thanks, Reno. Now here's Rude with a report on the
Mister T disease, "Sucka Foo'".
Rude: ( Sitting in a small white chair, wearing a little pink bonnet on
his bald head and holding a small cup of tea in one hand, his microphone in
the other ) ....Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with Marlene Wallace....daughter of
Barret Wallace, who has the Sucka Foo' disease....
Marlene: Do you want some more tea, Mister Rude?!
Rude: ..Uh..sure.. thanks.
Marlene: ( Pours Rude some imaginary tea into his little yellow cup )
You're welcome! Would you like some tea, Pooky-Wookums? ( Pours the Mako Bear
some tea as well )
Rude: Anyway...I'm waiting for Mister Wallace now, who went out to buy
some gold chains.... As you may guess, he has fallen into an extreme stage of
this potentially fatal disease...
Barret: ( Smashes in through the window, his hair made into a mowhawk,
chains hanging from his neck, his hands covered in rings ) What da' hell be
goin' on in here?!
Rude: Hello, Mister Wallace..I'm Rude...from Shin--
Barret: Izzat you, Murdock?! Come on, foo'! We gotta go save da'
Colonel!! ( Grabs Rude by the shoulder and tosses him out the window, his
little bonnet flying from his bald head )
Rude: AAAAAAAHHHH......!!!!! ***CRASH***
Barret: YEAH!! I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MISTAH B!! SUCKA!! WHO'RE
YOU?! ARGH!! ( Grabs the camera and smashes it over his knee )
Tseng: ( After a few seconds of static, appears onscreen. He is now
filing his fingernails ) Huh..? Oh! Why are all our reports ending so quickly
today? Well, anyway... Here is our final story for today. The annual Rocket
Town Garage Sale began today. Palmer is on location now.
Palmer: ( His big fat mug appears onscreen ) HEY-HEY!!!
( One loud scream echoes across the Planet, as every Shinra TV viewer howls
in terror )
Cameraman#1:Er...sorry....the zoom was stuck... ( Zooms out, away from
Palmers face )
Palmer: Anywho, I'm here in Rocket Town covering the Garage sale! Let's
go over to this guys pile of crap first!! Hey-hey! What's all this garbage,
and why should I buy it?
Joke Teller: Garbage?!? These are all family heirlooms and antiques!
Palmer: Like this here pile of fake plastic doggy poopies?!
Jake Teller: SON-OF-A-BITCH!! ( Stomps away in a huff )
Palmer: Well, ooooook---aaay! Let's go over and see Cid Highwinds table!
( Wobbles over to Cid's table, knocking several people over with his
wide-range hips )
Shera: Hi, Palmer! How are you?
Palmer: Hey-hey! I'm hunky dory, Shera! So this is Cid's table?! Mind if
we take a PEEK-A-ROONIE?!
Shera: Sure thing. Would you like some tea? I can run inside and make
some.
Palmer: Oh yes, please! Plenty of sugar, lemon and LARD!!!
Shera: Right! ( Runs inside to make the strage tea )
Palmer: Hey! Look at all the Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia! I didn't think
Cid would part with all this! ( Picks up a small model of the General Lee and
a Hazzard County Sherriff car model with action Rosco P. Coltraine doll
inside ) WEEE!!! DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOOOO!!! HEEE!!
Cid: ( Smacks Palmers face, causing his massive cheeks to begin
wobbling like Jell-O ) Get yer goddamn paws off that, you damn dirty ape!!
Palmer: ( Cheeks still wobbling ) Hey! Cid?! What'd you do that for?!
Aren't you selling this stuff anyway?!
Cid: WHAT?! YOU *#$&)@#$ING CRAZY?!?! This is all Shera's doing!! Now
git!! Git on outta here!!
Palmer: ( Cheeks are still wobbling ) Okay, okay! Hey! What's this?
Pantyhose? HAHAHAHA!! Cid wears pantyhose!!
Cid: WHAT THE #%$&^?! I DO NOT!! THOSE ARE SHERA'S YOU NUMBSKULL!!
Palmer: Nuh-uh!! They're yours!! I broke a real story for once!!! CID
HIGHWIND WEARS PANTYHOSE!!!
Citizens Of RT:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Cid: THAT DOES IT!!! YOU HAVE BROKEN THE MOTHER #(*$#ING PISSED OFF
METER WITH ME, MISTER FAT-ASS %&$*#!!!!
Palmer: Don't say fa-- ( Palmer was cut off as Cid rammed the pantyhose,
along with a 8" Tom Wopat Action Bow N' Arrow© Doll down his gullet. As
Palmer falls, causing a minor earthquake, the camera switches back to Tseng )
Tseng: Thanks, Palmer. That's all for this edition of Shinra TV. I hope
you all got your money's worth, because our program costs you tax payers a
good million gil bi-monthly. So long!!
Heidegger: Stay tuned next time for more Shinra TV!! Goodnight, Midgar!
( The camera fades out, only to fade in seconds later, showing the Midgar
skyline. The camera pans up and back, catching a glimpse of a rather angry
looking mob, ascending from the slums and onto Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar
Sector 0 )
THE
END
Stay tuned for more Shinra TV!
All characters copyright Squaresoft 1998