Disclaimer in part One. Part Six in the Lost Years Series.
Summary: Cordelia and Angel receive good news but as happiness ascends, guilt is just as powerful. As
one door opens another must close.
It took a while to get this up due to the fact that it is too close to home to write without crying. I'm
sorry but the rating had to be bumped up on this due to swearing and upsetting themes.
I would like to dedicate this to my mum because she is ill right now and reading this has made her
laugh if not made her think I am mad! Last and least to my dad-you'll never know what you've been
missing.
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Chapter 6
++++++++
Angel took Cordelia by he hand and took her to the doctors on the next floor. She sat quietly on the
waiting chairs as Angel gave her details to the receptionist.
"Right, two minutes and he'll be free to look at you." Angel sat there holding her hand and
Cordelia sat nervously fidgeting.
"Miss Chase please." The doctor called, "Please take a seat. What seems to be the problem?"
"I seem to be being sick all the time but I feel perfectly fine. I can't keep anything down. I was
sick for the third time today about 10 minutes ago."
"Right I see, have you eaten anything unusual lately? Or been ill in any other way?"
Cordelia looked at Angel and back to the doctor. "No I haven't, I've just been sick. Do you know what
it is?"
"Miss Chase would you mind if we did a pregnancy test?"
Cordelia looked in shock at Angel who looked the same, before Angel stuttered. "No it can't be
possible. I can't have children as far as we know. There must be something else."
"Your girlfriend is showing all the signs of being around three months pregnant. Miss Chase?"
"Yeah sure, but like Angel said there is no way that, we know of, that I could be pregnant."
Cordelia followed the doctor behind the screen. Angels senses heighten as he smelt Cordelias blood.
He took 2 test tubes full and told them both to come back in two hours for the results.
Cordelia left via the front entrance into the sunlight while Angel left via the sewers, much to
Cordelias dismay. They met up at Giles who was busy giving a lecture at the University, having got the
job when Maggie Walsh died. The sat in silence till Cordelia piped up.
"So do you think it's possible? I mean Vampires aren't allowed to have kids. There's a rule isn't
there? Angel look at me." She reached for his face, bringing it to her gaze. "Angel what if it's true? I
mean will it be normal? I couldn't go through the demon baby thing again." She looked at Angel. "Do
you even want a baby?"
Angel stared at her in shock. "Come on Cordelia you know I do. I always wanted a big family. I
guess I haven't thought about it since I was turned. I love you very much, I really would love for you
to be pregnant but I know about the rules."
"Angel the rules, in your case have gone to the dogs. I mean Vampires aren't meant to have a
soul, they aren't meant to fall in love with Slayers or have human seers. The very fact that you have
an anchored soul means that the rules don't apply anymore. What is everyone going to say about this
one? I mean Buffy will be pissed, very pissed. Giles will think I'm just one big experiment, I mean I bet
he's never heard of a Vampire making a human pregnant. Then there is the money thing. Babies cost
money and judging by what you pay me I don't think that we have a lot of money to spare."
"Cordelia don't worry about money. You think that after 250 years of travelling around that I
wouldn't know how to save money? Money isn't a problem."
"A nursery as well, where are we going to put it? All that junk in the guest room is going to cost
a fortune to put into storage. Then there is the whole problem that no one has that none of us
thought of...our occupation. We havoc the most dangerous job in LA. For goodness sake Angel, we slay
demons for a living. How are we meant to bring up a baby in that kind of world?"
"We'll have to consider that later down the line. God I sound like Giles."
Cordelia punched him feebly. "Angel seriously. You a vampire that kills demons for his redemption and
I an the worlds first human seer, for whom, I get visions from ghostly people I will never meet. Not
forgetting Wolfram and Hart. If they find out about this they will use it to get to you like they used
me in the never-ending visions saga. You see why I am scared?"
Angel pulled her into his embrace. "I won't let anything happen to you, you know that."
"What about you? What if you get staked and I'm left all alone to cope with a baby. What if the
baby can't go out into the daylight and drinks blood instead of milk. This baby could suck me dry in the
nine months I have to carry it. What if it is part of Angelus?" Tears began to fall down her face. "God
Angel what have we done?"
Angel smiled softly. "That's all taken care of. As for Angelus, he's no longer a part of me so he won't
be a part of the baby."
"What if the baby isn't a 'Baby'." she asked, her fingers making inverted commas around the
word Baby.
"Cordelia we don't even know if there is a baby yet. Come on, we'll go back to the hospital and
see the doctor. He'll tell us if your pregnant and we'll take it from there. We better get going before Giles
and Buffy come back from the University."
The sun had finally set as Cordelia and Angel walked hand in hand into the doctors office to get the
results of the test.
"Well Miss Chase, I have the pleasure of good news for you," He looked in Angels direction. "I
think. The tests confirm you are three and a half months pregnant. Now I see from your records you
live in LA so I was wondering if you would like your scan here or in LA."
Cordelia looked at Angel with a huge grin on her face. "Can we get it done here, now?"
"Yeah sure, I'll make an appointment for about 15 minutes. It is good news I take it." He looked
again in Angels direction.
"Yeah. yeah it is. " Angel said shaking the doctors outstretched hand violently. "Great news."
Cordelia lay on the soft white bed as the nurse ran the scanner across her stomach. Angel kept his
hand firmly clamped on his as a blurred image of a moving tadpole- like shaped appeared on the screen.
The nurse pointed out the small tadpole as the beginning of their baby. Angel stared in awe at the
screen as Cordelia stared at his face. 'Just as well he has an anchored soul or this would be one big
happie.' She thought to herself. As if response Angel gave her hand a little squeeze in support. The
nurse turned up the monitor and a steady, single heartbeat filled the air. They both got copies of the
picture on the monitor and Cordelia got dressed behind the screen.
They both walked out of Anti-natal wing straight into an unsuspecting Willow.
"Oh hey guys. I didn't expect to see you here. Xanders ward is on the other side of the
hospital."
"Yeah we know. We had some...stuff to do first." Cordelia said nervously.
"Oh right. Angel your taking the employer protection thing a bit to far aren't you? I'm sure
Cordelia can visit the hospital on her own."
Cordelia felt Angel squeeze her hand and she simply nodded her approval. "Willow, Cordelia and I are
together now. Have been for about 2 years."
Willows expression of joy remained only betrayed by a slight flash in her eyes. "Oh I'm so happy for
you. I kinda guessed when you showed up at the hospital. You have a kinda electric ora around you.
Does Buffy know?" Willow asked tentatively.
"Yeah she kind of caught me and Angel taking a shower together when she came to LA to get
me. Willow please don't tell anyone else. I don't know how Xander would take it." Cordelia blinked back
both tears of joy and sadness.
"So why the visit to the Neo-natal clinic then?"
Cordelia couldn't help the infectious smile appearing on her face, on looking at Angel she found the
same smile. "Well duh Willow it was for me. We've just found out that I'm 2 and half months
pregnant!"
Willow let out an almighty scream and her face beamed as she threw her arms around Cordelias neck.
Cordelia responded in genuine kind. "Congratulations. But I thought Vampires couldn't have babies and
Angel tends to get big happies when you do the thing that makes babies." Willows face turned the
same colour as her hair.
"Oh Willow get with the script. The first part we haven't figured out yet but as far as the
second part, happies, go he can't get them anymore because I anchored his soul." Cordelia exclaimed
proudly. "But don't breathe a word to anyone, not even Buffy knows, or I'll wring your neck
Rosenburgh. Care to join us for a celebration?"
The three headed to the Bronze where they ordered a bottle of Champagne with a layer of dust so
think it probably dated back to Liams heyday, Angels joke not Cordelias.
Back In LA:
----------------
Wesley smiled proudly as he watched Anastasia parade in front of the cameras. She was a natural and
the camera loved her. He had did some thinking the night before while watching her sleep. He wanted
to get to know her, make up for all the years he had missed. She was due to fly back to Italy the next
day and he was facing the harsh reality of losing her all over again. It broke his heart. He had two
choices; stay in LA and visit Anastasia when ever he could or go with her, move where she moved and
help her. It would mean giving up Angel Investigations and leaving behind one family to regain his
other. It was a tough choice but it had to be done. Anastasia had finished her photo shoot and began
walking towards him. Wesley stood up and wrapped a coat around her shoulders.
"Anastasia, I need to talk to you about something important. How would you feel if I decided to
follow you, when you leave LA, become like your watcher? I mean I would understand if you said no."
Anastasia stared at Wesley in awe. "You want to give up LA and become my watcher? I would love you
to but what about Angel and Cordelia? They need you here, I can cope on my own."
"You don't want me to come." Wesley said the hurt in his voice. "I have just found you and now
you don't want me to come with you? I want to come because I couldn't bear to lose you, not when I
have just got used to the idea of having you round. I thought you would like that. Angel and Cordelia
don't need me here really they have each other and Gunn when he's around. They managed when
Doyle, their first seer died and left just the two of them. They have each other, that's why Doyle
gave Cordelia the visions. They'll understand. So what do you think?" Wesley asked in hope.
"What do I say? I say great. You realise I fly out tomorrow." Wesley nodded his head. "Well
then lets go to the agency and TELL them your my dad. Oh I can't believe this is happening."
Anastasia flung her arms around her fathers neck as he beamed in both pride and joy. His life was
finally back on track.
In Sunnydale:
-------------------
After the run in with Willow both Angel and Cordelia had gone back to the hospital to see Xander.
Angel wanted to settle his peace with Xander while Cordelia just wanted to say goodbye. They had
decided to go back to LA to tell Wesley the good news and to find out about what happened and why
Cordelia could be pregnant, also Anastasia was leaving the next day and they both wanted to wish her
luck. Angel walked calmly into Xanders room while Cordelia sat down on the chairs outside, the orange
juice that Angel had let her drink instead of champagne was beginning to want to come back up. Angel
unintentionally crept up on Xanders bed. He was sitting awake with a new oxygen mask fixed to his
face.
"Hey dead-boy, How's the un-life?" Xander tried to laugh but the strength wasn't there.
"You know Xander, unbeating. I thought I would just come and say goodbye, settle things
between us. I know you don't approve of what happened between me and Buffy, but that's finished
now. I've moved on and so has she. You realise that things could have been so different between me
and you and you and Cordelia. You were just to wrapped up in Buffy to notice how much she loved you.
But that is in the past and now is the past, each day a gift."
"Way to go with the speech Angel. Listen I know I've only got a few days left. I wanted to say
sorry. I know I didn't make things between you and Buffy easy but I was jealous. My jealousy always
got in the way of what was really going on. I want you to promise me one thing, I know Cordelia is tied
to you with these visions, protect her. She is weak in so many ways, she may not admit it but she
needs someone there to rely on, promise me you'll take care of her unlike I could." Angel turned away,
not looking at his eyes. "Promise me?"
Angel hesitantly looked at the floor. "I promise. I'll always be there when she needs me." Angel turned
an walked away leave Cordelia to say her goodbyes.
Cordelia walked slowly into the near silent room. She had waited ten minutes after Angel left to get
her thoughts together. When she enter the room Xander was sleeping soundly. She sat in the chair
and rested her head on his bed. She sat watching the regular rise and fall of Xanders chest, knowing
that it was the only indication now that he was alive. His rhythmic breathing gently calm her thoughts
and she watched intensely until she notice his breathing sudden slow. She watched unable to react
until the monitor started bleeping it's hurried alarm. Cordelia stared in horror as his chest stopped
dead. The doctors came running in, forcing her out of the room. She could do little but watch through
the glass door that lead to Xanders room as the doctors brought him back then watched him
disappear as the electricity jolt lost effect. She watched the scene unfold for 15 minutes, though it
could have been forever to her, till the doctor looked at his watch and shook his head. Cordelias mind
desperately screamed for her to make them try again but her heart told her it was futile. She
slumped to the chair when the doctor had told her he was dead, but she couldn't except it. Cordelia
sat and thought about the memories they shared then decided that it would be her that told the
Scooby Gang about Xander. She climbed in the convertible and began the short journey to Giles. She
walked through the door an empty haggard shell of the women who had just been told three hours
previously that she was 2 and a half months pregnant.
"Ah your back Cordelia, we were getting worried about you. We had a phonecall from Wesley
he..." The tears started to fall form her eyes again, stopping Giles mid-sentence. "Goodness Cordelia
what's wrong?"
"Giles is everybody here." Buffy and Willow came from the kitchen carrying cups of coffee
while Angel sat looking concerned at Cordelia. Riley sat on the sofa as far away from Angel as he could
get. "Um, I've just come from the hospital." The tears fell in ernest. "I'm sorry, Xander died at 7:30
tonight. There was nothing the doctors could do." Cordelia crumbled to the chair as Angel rushed to
her aid and put his strong arms around her, pulling her close to his chest.
Willow sat sobbing next to Giles who was staring blankly into space. Buffy was over by Riley who was
sitting listening to her whispers of what she could have done to save him. The room descended into
silence excepted from the sobbing coming from the three women who were closest to Xander.
Cordelia, Buffy and Willow. He had loved them all and now they would only have memories in common.
Buffy re-erected her Slayers shell and targeted Cordelia.
"Why didn't you phone us, we could have been there when he died. We were the closest to him
you know. You have been so selfish."
Cordelias 'Queen C' resurfaced. "How dare you. It's your fault he's dead you bitch. He didn't want
you there because he knew he was dying. He wanted you to remember like he was, the knight in shining
armour that always had a goofy come-back comment. God Buffy you think that you of all people would
understand that. After Willow you were his second choice I was always third on that list. Let it go and
let me grieve, go knows I'm good at it by now. I might have seen only seen two people I care so much
about die and you've seem many but I'm not you."
"No but you have everything I ever wanted. You got Angel, when I couldn't have him. You done
what I couldn't in anchoring his soul. You were there when Xander died. You were never part of us
Cordelia." Buffy retored turning away.
"No I wasn't and you will never be part of anything." Cordelia muttered to her advancing back.
Buffy snapped round in lighting speed. Her hand flew up to Cordelias face and with a crack sent her
backward into the chair. Riley sprung up to restrain Buffy as Willow got to her feet.
"Watch out Buffy, she's preg..." Willow trailed off.
"She's what Willow?" Buffy shouted.
"Oh great one Willow. What ever happened to keeping a secret? What Willow wasn't meant to
tell you is that I'm two and a half month pregnant." Cordelia watched helplessly as the shocked faces
echoed around the room.
Buffy looked at Angel in discust. "She cheated on you and you still take her back. You've changed
Angel, and I can't say for the better."
"She didn't cheat on me." Angel watched Buffys confused closely. "The baby is mine. We don't
know how, proberbly a side effect of the anchoured soul, we don't know. But we're happy."
Giles stared in disbelief at Cordelia. "Does nobody tell me anything these days, Cordelia and Angel are
together and they stayed under my roof, Angel has an anchoured soul, and Cordelia is expecting his
baby. I'm a watcher I'm meant to know about these things. I have to know about these things. But the
main concern here is Xander. Someone will have to tell his parents."
"I've done that, they said we could arrange the funeral if we wanted to. We were the closest to
him." Cordelia answered still nursing her redden cheek.
"Right I will start on that. Buffy, Riley, Willow why don't you go to the Chapel of Rest and see
him? It might help. I will stay here and research the obvious. Oh Cordelia, Wesley phoned. He's going
to go with Anastasia when she flies out tomorrow night. He says he'll understand if you aren't coming
back to LA just yet but he says goodbye and he'll be back in a month when Anastasia is back in town.
Who's Anastasia? On second thought I don't want anymore surprises. I might have a heart attack."
5 Days Later:
-------------------
The remaining members of the Scooby Gang listened as people came and said words about a man they
hardly knew. Xander had met and saved lots of people but none of them really knew him. Cordelia sat
wiping a solitary tear that ran down her face, without Angel by her side. The daylight that Buffy had
insisted for the funeral to be held in stopped him supporting her. Buffy sat on the opposite side of
the bench from Cordelia, Rileys hand firmly clapped in hers. She had insisted on daylight saying that
night had killed him but the daylight should remember him. Willow sat in the middle of the feuding
parties, staring blankly at the tombstone that read:
You Lie Where Evil Is No More
We Will Remember You Always
Thank-You
Alexander Harris
1980-2004
His coffin lay shrouded with a simple gold dagger engraved on the coffin for protection. The sun
shone and the birds sung, it was unlike any day Sunnydale had seen. Live breathed as one was gone and
laid to rest.
Cordelia and Angel didn't stay for the wake, sensing the hostility and wanted to return to their home,
which was now minus Wesley, they left as soon as the sun set. Angel let out a sigh of relief as the
'Welcome To Sunnydale' sign faded into the blackened night. Now they could focus on the new
challenges, the new baby on the way.
2 Months Later In LA:
-------------------------------
Cordelia awoke from a restless night, caused by a sore back, to feel a warm wetness and her cream
night-gown soaked to her skin. She gently pulled back the covers, much to Angels disapproval as he
rolled and grunted in her sleep. Cordelia looked down at her legs and let out a piercing scream. Her
cream night-dress was crimson from the blood that had now started to seep into the bed clothes. Her
scream jolted Angel from his sleep to find Cordelia still staring at her legs.
"Cordelia what's wrong?" He followed her gaze to her legs. "Oh shit. Cordelia look at me." He
pulled her face around to meet his. "God we have to call the doctor." Angel dialled the doctors number
and in muted tones told him what happened before slamming the receiver back on it's perch. He
looked at Cordelia, who was still and crying. "Cordelia are you OK? He says I've to get you something
warm to drink and you have to get out of these wet things." He pulled the sodden night-dress over her
head to reveal her stark figure. Her weight had plummeted due to her excessive morning sickness.
She had , had morning sickness ever since the beginning but it got steadily worse until she had finally
given in and gone to the doctors. He had gave her a perception for the sickness but nothing had
worked. Having now wrapped Cordelia in one of his woolly jumpers and his bathrobe he headed over to
the kitchen to make her tae. He heard a firm knock at the door and the doctor rushed straight over
to Cordelia, who was still staring into space in shock.
"Mr Chase can you give me and your girlfriend a moment please. I need to examine her." The
doctor looked into Angels eyes with pity. He knew what the outcome would be.
The doctor spent the next half hour in the bedroom with Cordelia while Angel paced in the living room.
His pacing stopped as the doctor emerged from the bedroom.
"Cordelia is resting now. I'm sorry Mr Chase but she lost the baby earlier on tonight. I can't be
sure but I think she was suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. We don't know what caused it but
there was nothing that could have been do this far on. I gave her something to slow down the blood
loss and a sedative to help her sleep. It should be over in a few hours. She lost most of the blood
during the night. If she starts being sick again or falls ill get her to ER straight away. Again Mr Chase
I am very sorry." The doctor let himself out leaving Angel to cry in the dark.
Angel sat and cried for two hours, thoughts running through his mind, 'Why did this have to happen to
us? We didn't do anything wrong. No this wasn't meant to happen. We were meant to be a family, get
married, have kids, she was meant to grow old while I stayed and looked after the kids. This wasn't
how it was meant to be.' He picked himself off the sofa and wandered through to the half finished
nursery and sat on the floor. Having finally decided on the type of blue Cordelia thought that their
baby boy would like to have, they started painting three day before hand. They had been painting the
last wall when Cordelia had cried out in surprise as the baby gave it's mother it's first kick. She had
sat on the sofa in the living room fansinated, waiting for the next kick. He felt the wetness of his
tears on his cold skin, the pain breaking his heart. His mourning was shattered by a cry from the
bedroom. He rushe in to find Cordelia sitting up right in he changed bed crying. He climbed in beside
her.
"Oh Angel what have I done? I've killed our baby." She collapsed into his arms sobbing.
He stroked her hair breathing in her scent and sharing in her tears. "It's OK honey, Cora you didn't
kill him. There was nothing we could have done. It wasn't your fault. Oh Cora, it's going to be alright."
They sat there in each other arms until Angel could take the pain of being in the room no more. "Cora,
why don't you go snuggle up on the couch and I'll make some food for you. The doctor said you have to
eat. Watch TV, read one of my books." She shook her head slightly.
Angel picked her up as she grabbed the duvet from the bed and he placed her carefully on the sofa
and switched on the TV. He headed through to the kitchen himself, busying himself making salad. He
padded through to the living room with Cordelias meal only to find her standing in the doorway to the
nursery. He slid his arms around her waist then suddenly letting her go. She turned to face him.
"Where did it all go so wrong? It was all meant to be happy, you got your soul back, we got the
baby. Then Xander died and Buffy got pissed at both of us. Now this. Am I cursed? I'm never meant
to be happy. Angel I can't take this anymore." She glanced at their figures, standing apart. "See you
can't even bear to touch me. You blame me."
Angel felt the words stab at his heart like daggers. "No, no that's not it. This was not you fault
believe me. I'm scared incase I hurt you. I don't know what to do either. This is hurting me as well. I
need you to be here, to tell me how you feel. We're no alone." He wrapped her arms around her and
pulled her in close. "We have to keep on going. First we have to get this back to a guest room, unless
you want to keep it as a bedroom for the future
"I'm not even thinking about the future anymore. I just want to move on, not forget, just move
on. Can we have a funeral, I want to say goodbye? I want somewhere to go. Angel, this was meant to be
our chance to be normal, and now he's gone. It sounds so silly but I had already a name picked out.
William, I know it was Spikes old name but it is English for Liam. I wanted to keep a bit of you in case
something happened to you." Cordelia turned her gaze back to the room.
"I know there's a cove where I used to go when I first came here to LA. It would be perfect.
It can be reached and get back before the sun rises so it would be OK for both of us to go, together.
We'll go there tomorrow night."
Cordelia looked at Angel in hurt. "Why not tonight? I would like to go tonight."
Angel increased his grip around her waist. "Cos honey, the doctor told you to get some rest, let me
take care of things. Why don't you phone Willow, have a talk with her."
Angel went into the nursery and started to tidy the paint tins and wallpaper. He heard Cordelia lift
the receiver and dial a Sunnydale number.
"Hey Willow, how's the Hellmouth?"
"Hello Cordelia, Sunnydales fine. Isn't it a little early to be calling me? Has something
happened?"
Cordelia stifled back the fresh tears that threatened to fall. "Um Willow, I had some bad news today.
I lost the baby last night."
Willow gasped down the line. "Oh God Cordelia. Are you OK? How's Angel taking it?"
"I'm fine. It happened over last night so I never knew until the morning. The doctor said I
should be OK. Angel hurting, I know he is. His trying to be strong for me but I can feel his heart
breaking. I can't stand being closed up down here. There is too many memories."
"Cordelia you should know that Angel lets his feelings out. You told he that was what you loved
about him, his mystery. Why don't you me t Sunnydale, you and Angel, for a break? Buffy is in LA for
a while with Riley and the demon population is under control, so no need to slay. And the apartment has
a spare room." Willow said hoping to help Cordelia.
"I don't think Angel will come but I will, sound like what we need. So Buffy is in LA, I better
stay underground in case I run into her. I know I'm not Buffys favourite person but I really couldn't
take the slagging match she'll fling me about stealing Angel. I'll go ask him and I'll give you a call back
in an hour." She slowly rose off the couch, careful no to cause herself anymore pain.
She found Angel sitting on the floor, his hands to his face. She gently pulled his hands away to find
crimson tear tracks down his face. "Angel please don't cry, we need to be strong for each other. We
need to get on with things, you said so your self. Willow invited us to go to Sunnydale, Buffy is in LA so
I doesn't sound like a bad idea. We can get away from here, this apartment, please Angel I can't
stand being caged up in here, with the memories." She looked longingly into his deep chocolate eyes.
"Cordelia, I'm not going back to Sunnydale again, I thought we agreed. If Buffy is in LA then it
is a great chance to wipe the slate clean with her."
"Angel I need to get away from here. The only reason you are still with me is because of the
baby. Well he's gone and I will be soon. Angel I am going to Sunnydale, with or without you. You deal
with death differently from me. I cry and cry then I get all neurotic, looking for coffee cups that
were never there. You grieve by brooding and sulking. You're like a loner, you don't like to be
disturbed or to talk to anyone. I need to be held, strong arms, and to rant about why this life is so
fucked up. I need you but you won't be here. You'll be in your own little world of misery and darkness.
Maybe Sunnydale is what I need." She ran her hands down his arms. "Just for a few days 'till Buffy
gets back. If you change your mind you where I am." Cordelia left him still sitting in the nursery while
she flung her case on the bed and began to pack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cordelia pulled up in front of Willows apartment, the sun turning the brown leaves golden. The dull
tones of Fall were out in Technicolor as the sun set, the moon waiting for the town to turn into the
dark nightmare of demons. Cordelia watched as Willow descended the stairs, her red hair blowing in
the breeze. They looked hesitantly at each other before Willow pulled Cordelia into a warm hug and
they headed back into the apartment.
"So no Angel then? Cordelia you look so ill and thin. I know you've just um...but you look as if you
haven't eaten for weeks."
Cordelia tugged nervously at her now baggy tank top. "Well it's one of the drawbacks of morning
sickness for 3 and a half months. That was the reason I lost the baby. I went tot he doctors early on
but what he gave me didn't work and I was too scared to go to the doctors. The doctor that came this
morning told me if I had gone to the hospital they might have had to abort the baby." She blinked
back the tears. "They would have killed my baby but instead I killed him. I was slowly poisoning him
and myself so my body got rid of it." The tears refused to stay and flowed down her face in torrents.
"I can still feel it, his life flowing out of my body, rejected. Angel is hurting so badly like when I first
found him in LA, but it's ten times worse.. This time it isn't about Buffy, this time it's my fault, I'm
causing his pain. Not all the tormented souls of the people he killed, not Buffy, not Angelus. Me!"
Willow took the sobbing shell into her arms. "Cordelia it isn't your fault. You did not kill your baby. You
couldn't have stopped it even if you moved heaven and earth. It's Fate, nothing stops it. Don't ever
blame yourself about Angels pain, you didn't cause that. Your hurting as well but your feeling it worse
because you blame yourself and you're refusing to face it. I know it hurts but the pain will heal and
the memories of your baby will remain. You need to move on and look at what you have not what was
going to be. Why don't you join me and Tara at the Bronze?"
"Willow no offence but I don't feel like clubbing it tonight."
"No, demons set fire to the bronze about a month or so ago, it's now a posh cafe. You need to
eat and seeing poeple you used to know might help you to escape for a while."
Cordelia snapped out of her deep thought. "Escape, escape is good. If it get too much for me I can
always come back here. Can I just phone Angel first to tell him I got here OK?" Cordelia dialled the
Angels number and distantly listened to it as the tone rang out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel sat in the smoky bar, a whiskey glass in his hand. Cordelia had left him in the room that was
meant to be filled with so much joy and laughter but now filled with hollow memories and sunken
dreams. His family had disappeared over night. He knew deep down inside that he would never get
another chance at a family and Cordelia had left him as well, only temporarily she claimed. His life was
slipping back into his per-Sunnydale days with all the people he loved and cared about leaving him when
things got to tough or someone better came along. Wesley, having found his real family, though a visit
a month ago had shown him glowing with happiness. Buffy had given up his love when normal and
breathing Riley came along. Now Cordelia had left him in both mind and spirit, she was in Sunnydale,
needing space from his misery and darkness. He lifted the shot glass to his lips and drunk in the
amber amnesia. To escape, for a moment, who he was his reward. Escape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cordelia sat back on her bed after coming home from the Bronze after 30 minutes. The smiles and
the normality was too much her and she felt her heart break with every peel of laughter she heard.
The photographs of the second ultrasound sat out in front of her. Angel was going to frame then but
she kept the second set, private to herself, they were all she had now. She was so wrapped up in her
photos that she didn't hear the door behind her open.
Buffy stood looking at HER room with the intruder sitting on HER bed. "Cordelia what the hell do you
think you are doing here?" Buffy stood, her posture angrily directed at Cordelia.
Cordelia turned to face Buffy, her face reddened by hours of crying, her eyes puffy and red from the
salted tears that stung the cuts under them from rubbing. "What are you doing back Willow said that
you were in LA."
"My dad had to go away on business, anyway aren't you the one who is meant to be in LA with
Angel?"
Cordelia started to cry again. Buffy dropped her stance and walked slowly over the shaking figure that
she a moment ago hated. "Cordelia what happened." She noticed the photos on the bed. "Are these of
your baby?"
"These were photos of my baby. It's all my fault, I did it. I couldn't stop it. It's all finished."
Buffy sat on the bed next to Cordelia, and put her arm over her shoulder. "Cordelia your talking
nonsense. What's all your fault? What couldn't you stop?"
"I lost the baby." Cordelia sunk into Buffys hold and sobbed, her moaned blank in pain.
Buffy held her as she cried her pain away. She sat in shock. Cordelia had lost her baby, Angels baby.
If Cordelia was here that meant Angel would be to. She reconsidered when she realised that Angel
would never come back to Sunnydale again after Xanders death. Her heart sank again. She consolingly
as Cordelia muttered to herself, blaming herself again until she drifted off into a troubled sleep. She
lay Cordelia down on the bed and went over to her computer to check her emails. She was disturbed
by a light knock at the door. Buffy opened it to find a haggard Angel standing in her doorway.
"God Angel, come in."
Cordelia stirred as her senses felt him enter the building, her heart started to beat faster and her
head all in a flutter. When she heard his soft voice she fully awoke.
"Angel." She called from the other room searching for his solid figure. "Angel where are you."
Angel barged past Buffy into her bedroom to find Cordelia sitting up in Buffys bed, her hair rumpled
and her face scared with tear tracks. "Oh God Cora, I shouldn't have let you leave. I need you so
badly. You have to come home with me tonight. I can't cope with this alone and neither can you." Angel
caught sight of the all-ready packed bag by the bed. "Come on Cora, please come home with me."
Cordelia nodded and Angel grabbed her bag. Cordelia stood up and walked slowly out of the apartment
leaving Angel to say his thank-yous and goodbyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read On
Summary: Cordelia and Angel receive good news but as happiness ascends, guilt is just as powerful. As
one door opens another must close.
It took a while to get this up due to the fact that it is too close to home to write without crying. I'm
sorry but the rating had to be bumped up on this due to swearing and upsetting themes.
I would like to dedicate this to my mum because she is ill right now and reading this has made her
laugh if not made her think I am mad! Last and least to my dad-you'll never know what you've been
missing.
*********************************************************************************************************************************
Chapter 6
++++++++
Angel took Cordelia by he hand and took her to the doctors on the next floor. She sat quietly on the
waiting chairs as Angel gave her details to the receptionist.
"Right, two minutes and he'll be free to look at you." Angel sat there holding her hand and
Cordelia sat nervously fidgeting.
"Miss Chase please." The doctor called, "Please take a seat. What seems to be the problem?"
"I seem to be being sick all the time but I feel perfectly fine. I can't keep anything down. I was
sick for the third time today about 10 minutes ago."
"Right I see, have you eaten anything unusual lately? Or been ill in any other way?"
Cordelia looked at Angel and back to the doctor. "No I haven't, I've just been sick. Do you know what
it is?"
"Miss Chase would you mind if we did a pregnancy test?"
Cordelia looked in shock at Angel who looked the same, before Angel stuttered. "No it can't be
possible. I can't have children as far as we know. There must be something else."
"Your girlfriend is showing all the signs of being around three months pregnant. Miss Chase?"
"Yeah sure, but like Angel said there is no way that, we know of, that I could be pregnant."
Cordelia followed the doctor behind the screen. Angels senses heighten as he smelt Cordelias blood.
He took 2 test tubes full and told them both to come back in two hours for the results.
Cordelia left via the front entrance into the sunlight while Angel left via the sewers, much to
Cordelias dismay. They met up at Giles who was busy giving a lecture at the University, having got the
job when Maggie Walsh died. The sat in silence till Cordelia piped up.
"So do you think it's possible? I mean Vampires aren't allowed to have kids. There's a rule isn't
there? Angel look at me." She reached for his face, bringing it to her gaze. "Angel what if it's true? I
mean will it be normal? I couldn't go through the demon baby thing again." She looked at Angel. "Do
you even want a baby?"
Angel stared at her in shock. "Come on Cordelia you know I do. I always wanted a big family. I
guess I haven't thought about it since I was turned. I love you very much, I really would love for you
to be pregnant but I know about the rules."
"Angel the rules, in your case have gone to the dogs. I mean Vampires aren't meant to have a
soul, they aren't meant to fall in love with Slayers or have human seers. The very fact that you have
an anchored soul means that the rules don't apply anymore. What is everyone going to say about this
one? I mean Buffy will be pissed, very pissed. Giles will think I'm just one big experiment, I mean I bet
he's never heard of a Vampire making a human pregnant. Then there is the money thing. Babies cost
money and judging by what you pay me I don't think that we have a lot of money to spare."
"Cordelia don't worry about money. You think that after 250 years of travelling around that I
wouldn't know how to save money? Money isn't a problem."
"A nursery as well, where are we going to put it? All that junk in the guest room is going to cost
a fortune to put into storage. Then there is the whole problem that no one has that none of us
thought of...our occupation. We havoc the most dangerous job in LA. For goodness sake Angel, we slay
demons for a living. How are we meant to bring up a baby in that kind of world?"
"We'll have to consider that later down the line. God I sound like Giles."
Cordelia punched him feebly. "Angel seriously. You a vampire that kills demons for his redemption and
I an the worlds first human seer, for whom, I get visions from ghostly people I will never meet. Not
forgetting Wolfram and Hart. If they find out about this they will use it to get to you like they used
me in the never-ending visions saga. You see why I am scared?"
Angel pulled her into his embrace. "I won't let anything happen to you, you know that."
"What about you? What if you get staked and I'm left all alone to cope with a baby. What if the
baby can't go out into the daylight and drinks blood instead of milk. This baby could suck me dry in the
nine months I have to carry it. What if it is part of Angelus?" Tears began to fall down her face. "God
Angel what have we done?"
Angel smiled softly. "That's all taken care of. As for Angelus, he's no longer a part of me so he won't
be a part of the baby."
"What if the baby isn't a 'Baby'." she asked, her fingers making inverted commas around the
word Baby.
"Cordelia we don't even know if there is a baby yet. Come on, we'll go back to the hospital and
see the doctor. He'll tell us if your pregnant and we'll take it from there. We better get going before Giles
and Buffy come back from the University."
The sun had finally set as Cordelia and Angel walked hand in hand into the doctors office to get the
results of the test.
"Well Miss Chase, I have the pleasure of good news for you," He looked in Angels direction. "I
think. The tests confirm you are three and a half months pregnant. Now I see from your records you
live in LA so I was wondering if you would like your scan here or in LA."
Cordelia looked at Angel with a huge grin on her face. "Can we get it done here, now?"
"Yeah sure, I'll make an appointment for about 15 minutes. It is good news I take it." He looked
again in Angels direction.
"Yeah. yeah it is. " Angel said shaking the doctors outstretched hand violently. "Great news."
Cordelia lay on the soft white bed as the nurse ran the scanner across her stomach. Angel kept his
hand firmly clamped on his as a blurred image of a moving tadpole- like shaped appeared on the screen.
The nurse pointed out the small tadpole as the beginning of their baby. Angel stared in awe at the
screen as Cordelia stared at his face. 'Just as well he has an anchored soul or this would be one big
happie.' She thought to herself. As if response Angel gave her hand a little squeeze in support. The
nurse turned up the monitor and a steady, single heartbeat filled the air. They both got copies of the
picture on the monitor and Cordelia got dressed behind the screen.
They both walked out of Anti-natal wing straight into an unsuspecting Willow.
"Oh hey guys. I didn't expect to see you here. Xanders ward is on the other side of the
hospital."
"Yeah we know. We had some...stuff to do first." Cordelia said nervously.
"Oh right. Angel your taking the employer protection thing a bit to far aren't you? I'm sure
Cordelia can visit the hospital on her own."
Cordelia felt Angel squeeze her hand and she simply nodded her approval. "Willow, Cordelia and I are
together now. Have been for about 2 years."
Willows expression of joy remained only betrayed by a slight flash in her eyes. "Oh I'm so happy for
you. I kinda guessed when you showed up at the hospital. You have a kinda electric ora around you.
Does Buffy know?" Willow asked tentatively.
"Yeah she kind of caught me and Angel taking a shower together when she came to LA to get
me. Willow please don't tell anyone else. I don't know how Xander would take it." Cordelia blinked back
both tears of joy and sadness.
"So why the visit to the Neo-natal clinic then?"
Cordelia couldn't help the infectious smile appearing on her face, on looking at Angel she found the
same smile. "Well duh Willow it was for me. We've just found out that I'm 2 and half months
pregnant!"
Willow let out an almighty scream and her face beamed as she threw her arms around Cordelias neck.
Cordelia responded in genuine kind. "Congratulations. But I thought Vampires couldn't have babies and
Angel tends to get big happies when you do the thing that makes babies." Willows face turned the
same colour as her hair.
"Oh Willow get with the script. The first part we haven't figured out yet but as far as the
second part, happies, go he can't get them anymore because I anchored his soul." Cordelia exclaimed
proudly. "But don't breathe a word to anyone, not even Buffy knows, or I'll wring your neck
Rosenburgh. Care to join us for a celebration?"
The three headed to the Bronze where they ordered a bottle of Champagne with a layer of dust so
think it probably dated back to Liams heyday, Angels joke not Cordelias.
Back In LA:
----------------
Wesley smiled proudly as he watched Anastasia parade in front of the cameras. She was a natural and
the camera loved her. He had did some thinking the night before while watching her sleep. He wanted
to get to know her, make up for all the years he had missed. She was due to fly back to Italy the next
day and he was facing the harsh reality of losing her all over again. It broke his heart. He had two
choices; stay in LA and visit Anastasia when ever he could or go with her, move where she moved and
help her. It would mean giving up Angel Investigations and leaving behind one family to regain his
other. It was a tough choice but it had to be done. Anastasia had finished her photo shoot and began
walking towards him. Wesley stood up and wrapped a coat around her shoulders.
"Anastasia, I need to talk to you about something important. How would you feel if I decided to
follow you, when you leave LA, become like your watcher? I mean I would understand if you said no."
Anastasia stared at Wesley in awe. "You want to give up LA and become my watcher? I would love you
to but what about Angel and Cordelia? They need you here, I can cope on my own."
"You don't want me to come." Wesley said the hurt in his voice. "I have just found you and now
you don't want me to come with you? I want to come because I couldn't bear to lose you, not when I
have just got used to the idea of having you round. I thought you would like that. Angel and Cordelia
don't need me here really they have each other and Gunn when he's around. They managed when
Doyle, their first seer died and left just the two of them. They have each other, that's why Doyle
gave Cordelia the visions. They'll understand. So what do you think?" Wesley asked in hope.
"What do I say? I say great. You realise I fly out tomorrow." Wesley nodded his head. "Well
then lets go to the agency and TELL them your my dad. Oh I can't believe this is happening."
Anastasia flung her arms around her fathers neck as he beamed in both pride and joy. His life was
finally back on track.
In Sunnydale:
-------------------
After the run in with Willow both Angel and Cordelia had gone back to the hospital to see Xander.
Angel wanted to settle his peace with Xander while Cordelia just wanted to say goodbye. They had
decided to go back to LA to tell Wesley the good news and to find out about what happened and why
Cordelia could be pregnant, also Anastasia was leaving the next day and they both wanted to wish her
luck. Angel walked calmly into Xanders room while Cordelia sat down on the chairs outside, the orange
juice that Angel had let her drink instead of champagne was beginning to want to come back up. Angel
unintentionally crept up on Xanders bed. He was sitting awake with a new oxygen mask fixed to his
face.
"Hey dead-boy, How's the un-life?" Xander tried to laugh but the strength wasn't there.
"You know Xander, unbeating. I thought I would just come and say goodbye, settle things
between us. I know you don't approve of what happened between me and Buffy, but that's finished
now. I've moved on and so has she. You realise that things could have been so different between me
and you and you and Cordelia. You were just to wrapped up in Buffy to notice how much she loved you.
But that is in the past and now is the past, each day a gift."
"Way to go with the speech Angel. Listen I know I've only got a few days left. I wanted to say
sorry. I know I didn't make things between you and Buffy easy but I was jealous. My jealousy always
got in the way of what was really going on. I want you to promise me one thing, I know Cordelia is tied
to you with these visions, protect her. She is weak in so many ways, she may not admit it but she
needs someone there to rely on, promise me you'll take care of her unlike I could." Angel turned away,
not looking at his eyes. "Promise me?"
Angel hesitantly looked at the floor. "I promise. I'll always be there when she needs me." Angel turned
an walked away leave Cordelia to say her goodbyes.
Cordelia walked slowly into the near silent room. She had waited ten minutes after Angel left to get
her thoughts together. When she enter the room Xander was sleeping soundly. She sat in the chair
and rested her head on his bed. She sat watching the regular rise and fall of Xanders chest, knowing
that it was the only indication now that he was alive. His rhythmic breathing gently calm her thoughts
and she watched intensely until she notice his breathing sudden slow. She watched unable to react
until the monitor started bleeping it's hurried alarm. Cordelia stared in horror as his chest stopped
dead. The doctors came running in, forcing her out of the room. She could do little but watch through
the glass door that lead to Xanders room as the doctors brought him back then watched him
disappear as the electricity jolt lost effect. She watched the scene unfold for 15 minutes, though it
could have been forever to her, till the doctor looked at his watch and shook his head. Cordelias mind
desperately screamed for her to make them try again but her heart told her it was futile. She
slumped to the chair when the doctor had told her he was dead, but she couldn't except it. Cordelia
sat and thought about the memories they shared then decided that it would be her that told the
Scooby Gang about Xander. She climbed in the convertible and began the short journey to Giles. She
walked through the door an empty haggard shell of the women who had just been told three hours
previously that she was 2 and a half months pregnant.
"Ah your back Cordelia, we were getting worried about you. We had a phonecall from Wesley
he..." The tears started to fall form her eyes again, stopping Giles mid-sentence. "Goodness Cordelia
what's wrong?"
"Giles is everybody here." Buffy and Willow came from the kitchen carrying cups of coffee
while Angel sat looking concerned at Cordelia. Riley sat on the sofa as far away from Angel as he could
get. "Um, I've just come from the hospital." The tears fell in ernest. "I'm sorry, Xander died at 7:30
tonight. There was nothing the doctors could do." Cordelia crumbled to the chair as Angel rushed to
her aid and put his strong arms around her, pulling her close to his chest.
Willow sat sobbing next to Giles who was staring blankly into space. Buffy was over by Riley who was
sitting listening to her whispers of what she could have done to save him. The room descended into
silence excepted from the sobbing coming from the three women who were closest to Xander.
Cordelia, Buffy and Willow. He had loved them all and now they would only have memories in common.
Buffy re-erected her Slayers shell and targeted Cordelia.
"Why didn't you phone us, we could have been there when he died. We were the closest to him
you know. You have been so selfish."
Cordelias 'Queen C' resurfaced. "How dare you. It's your fault he's dead you bitch. He didn't want
you there because he knew he was dying. He wanted you to remember like he was, the knight in shining
armour that always had a goofy come-back comment. God Buffy you think that you of all people would
understand that. After Willow you were his second choice I was always third on that list. Let it go and
let me grieve, go knows I'm good at it by now. I might have seen only seen two people I care so much
about die and you've seem many but I'm not you."
"No but you have everything I ever wanted. You got Angel, when I couldn't have him. You done
what I couldn't in anchoring his soul. You were there when Xander died. You were never part of us
Cordelia." Buffy retored turning away.
"No I wasn't and you will never be part of anything." Cordelia muttered to her advancing back.
Buffy snapped round in lighting speed. Her hand flew up to Cordelias face and with a crack sent her
backward into the chair. Riley sprung up to restrain Buffy as Willow got to her feet.
"Watch out Buffy, she's preg..." Willow trailed off.
"She's what Willow?" Buffy shouted.
"Oh great one Willow. What ever happened to keeping a secret? What Willow wasn't meant to
tell you is that I'm two and a half month pregnant." Cordelia watched helplessly as the shocked faces
echoed around the room.
Buffy looked at Angel in discust. "She cheated on you and you still take her back. You've changed
Angel, and I can't say for the better."
"She didn't cheat on me." Angel watched Buffys confused closely. "The baby is mine. We don't
know how, proberbly a side effect of the anchoured soul, we don't know. But we're happy."
Giles stared in disbelief at Cordelia. "Does nobody tell me anything these days, Cordelia and Angel are
together and they stayed under my roof, Angel has an anchoured soul, and Cordelia is expecting his
baby. I'm a watcher I'm meant to know about these things. I have to know about these things. But the
main concern here is Xander. Someone will have to tell his parents."
"I've done that, they said we could arrange the funeral if we wanted to. We were the closest to
him." Cordelia answered still nursing her redden cheek.
"Right I will start on that. Buffy, Riley, Willow why don't you go to the Chapel of Rest and see
him? It might help. I will stay here and research the obvious. Oh Cordelia, Wesley phoned. He's going
to go with Anastasia when she flies out tomorrow night. He says he'll understand if you aren't coming
back to LA just yet but he says goodbye and he'll be back in a month when Anastasia is back in town.
Who's Anastasia? On second thought I don't want anymore surprises. I might have a heart attack."
5 Days Later:
-------------------
The remaining members of the Scooby Gang listened as people came and said words about a man they
hardly knew. Xander had met and saved lots of people but none of them really knew him. Cordelia sat
wiping a solitary tear that ran down her face, without Angel by her side. The daylight that Buffy had
insisted for the funeral to be held in stopped him supporting her. Buffy sat on the opposite side of
the bench from Cordelia, Rileys hand firmly clapped in hers. She had insisted on daylight saying that
night had killed him but the daylight should remember him. Willow sat in the middle of the feuding
parties, staring blankly at the tombstone that read:
You Lie Where Evil Is No More
We Will Remember You Always
Thank-You
Alexander Harris
1980-2004
His coffin lay shrouded with a simple gold dagger engraved on the coffin for protection. The sun
shone and the birds sung, it was unlike any day Sunnydale had seen. Live breathed as one was gone and
laid to rest.
Cordelia and Angel didn't stay for the wake, sensing the hostility and wanted to return to their home,
which was now minus Wesley, they left as soon as the sun set. Angel let out a sigh of relief as the
'Welcome To Sunnydale' sign faded into the blackened night. Now they could focus on the new
challenges, the new baby on the way.
2 Months Later In LA:
-------------------------------
Cordelia awoke from a restless night, caused by a sore back, to feel a warm wetness and her cream
night-gown soaked to her skin. She gently pulled back the covers, much to Angels disapproval as he
rolled and grunted in her sleep. Cordelia looked down at her legs and let out a piercing scream. Her
cream night-dress was crimson from the blood that had now started to seep into the bed clothes. Her
scream jolted Angel from his sleep to find Cordelia still staring at her legs.
"Cordelia what's wrong?" He followed her gaze to her legs. "Oh shit. Cordelia look at me." He
pulled her face around to meet his. "God we have to call the doctor." Angel dialled the doctors number
and in muted tones told him what happened before slamming the receiver back on it's perch. He
looked at Cordelia, who was still and crying. "Cordelia are you OK? He says I've to get you something
warm to drink and you have to get out of these wet things." He pulled the sodden night-dress over her
head to reveal her stark figure. Her weight had plummeted due to her excessive morning sickness.
She had , had morning sickness ever since the beginning but it got steadily worse until she had finally
given in and gone to the doctors. He had gave her a perception for the sickness but nothing had
worked. Having now wrapped Cordelia in one of his woolly jumpers and his bathrobe he headed over to
the kitchen to make her tae. He heard a firm knock at the door and the doctor rushed straight over
to Cordelia, who was still staring into space in shock.
"Mr Chase can you give me and your girlfriend a moment please. I need to examine her." The
doctor looked into Angels eyes with pity. He knew what the outcome would be.
The doctor spent the next half hour in the bedroom with Cordelia while Angel paced in the living room.
His pacing stopped as the doctor emerged from the bedroom.
"Cordelia is resting now. I'm sorry Mr Chase but she lost the baby earlier on tonight. I can't be
sure but I think she was suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. We don't know what caused it but
there was nothing that could have been do this far on. I gave her something to slow down the blood
loss and a sedative to help her sleep. It should be over in a few hours. She lost most of the blood
during the night. If she starts being sick again or falls ill get her to ER straight away. Again Mr Chase
I am very sorry." The doctor let himself out leaving Angel to cry in the dark.
Angel sat and cried for two hours, thoughts running through his mind, 'Why did this have to happen to
us? We didn't do anything wrong. No this wasn't meant to happen. We were meant to be a family, get
married, have kids, she was meant to grow old while I stayed and looked after the kids. This wasn't
how it was meant to be.' He picked himself off the sofa and wandered through to the half finished
nursery and sat on the floor. Having finally decided on the type of blue Cordelia thought that their
baby boy would like to have, they started painting three day before hand. They had been painting the
last wall when Cordelia had cried out in surprise as the baby gave it's mother it's first kick. She had
sat on the sofa in the living room fansinated, waiting for the next kick. He felt the wetness of his
tears on his cold skin, the pain breaking his heart. His mourning was shattered by a cry from the
bedroom. He rushe in to find Cordelia sitting up right in he changed bed crying. He climbed in beside
her.
"Oh Angel what have I done? I've killed our baby." She collapsed into his arms sobbing.
He stroked her hair breathing in her scent and sharing in her tears. "It's OK honey, Cora you didn't
kill him. There was nothing we could have done. It wasn't your fault. Oh Cora, it's going to be alright."
They sat there in each other arms until Angel could take the pain of being in the room no more. "Cora,
why don't you go snuggle up on the couch and I'll make some food for you. The doctor said you have to
eat. Watch TV, read one of my books." She shook her head slightly.
Angel picked her up as she grabbed the duvet from the bed and he placed her carefully on the sofa
and switched on the TV. He headed through to the kitchen himself, busying himself making salad. He
padded through to the living room with Cordelias meal only to find her standing in the doorway to the
nursery. He slid his arms around her waist then suddenly letting her go. She turned to face him.
"Where did it all go so wrong? It was all meant to be happy, you got your soul back, we got the
baby. Then Xander died and Buffy got pissed at both of us. Now this. Am I cursed? I'm never meant
to be happy. Angel I can't take this anymore." She glanced at their figures, standing apart. "See you
can't even bear to touch me. You blame me."
Angel felt the words stab at his heart like daggers. "No, no that's not it. This was not you fault
believe me. I'm scared incase I hurt you. I don't know what to do either. This is hurting me as well. I
need you to be here, to tell me how you feel. We're no alone." He wrapped her arms around her and
pulled her in close. "We have to keep on going. First we have to get this back to a guest room, unless
you want to keep it as a bedroom for the future
"I'm not even thinking about the future anymore. I just want to move on, not forget, just move
on. Can we have a funeral, I want to say goodbye? I want somewhere to go. Angel, this was meant to be
our chance to be normal, and now he's gone. It sounds so silly but I had already a name picked out.
William, I know it was Spikes old name but it is English for Liam. I wanted to keep a bit of you in case
something happened to you." Cordelia turned her gaze back to the room.
"I know there's a cove where I used to go when I first came here to LA. It would be perfect.
It can be reached and get back before the sun rises so it would be OK for both of us to go, together.
We'll go there tomorrow night."
Cordelia looked at Angel in hurt. "Why not tonight? I would like to go tonight."
Angel increased his grip around her waist. "Cos honey, the doctor told you to get some rest, let me
take care of things. Why don't you phone Willow, have a talk with her."
Angel went into the nursery and started to tidy the paint tins and wallpaper. He heard Cordelia lift
the receiver and dial a Sunnydale number.
"Hey Willow, how's the Hellmouth?"
"Hello Cordelia, Sunnydales fine. Isn't it a little early to be calling me? Has something
happened?"
Cordelia stifled back the fresh tears that threatened to fall. "Um Willow, I had some bad news today.
I lost the baby last night."
Willow gasped down the line. "Oh God Cordelia. Are you OK? How's Angel taking it?"
"I'm fine. It happened over last night so I never knew until the morning. The doctor said I
should be OK. Angel hurting, I know he is. His trying to be strong for me but I can feel his heart
breaking. I can't stand being closed up down here. There is too many memories."
"Cordelia you should know that Angel lets his feelings out. You told he that was what you loved
about him, his mystery. Why don't you me t Sunnydale, you and Angel, for a break? Buffy is in LA for
a while with Riley and the demon population is under control, so no need to slay. And the apartment has
a spare room." Willow said hoping to help Cordelia.
"I don't think Angel will come but I will, sound like what we need. So Buffy is in LA, I better
stay underground in case I run into her. I know I'm not Buffys favourite person but I really couldn't
take the slagging match she'll fling me about stealing Angel. I'll go ask him and I'll give you a call back
in an hour." She slowly rose off the couch, careful no to cause herself anymore pain.
She found Angel sitting on the floor, his hands to his face. She gently pulled his hands away to find
crimson tear tracks down his face. "Angel please don't cry, we need to be strong for each other. We
need to get on with things, you said so your self. Willow invited us to go to Sunnydale, Buffy is in LA so
I doesn't sound like a bad idea. We can get away from here, this apartment, please Angel I can't
stand being caged up in here, with the memories." She looked longingly into his deep chocolate eyes.
"Cordelia, I'm not going back to Sunnydale again, I thought we agreed. If Buffy is in LA then it
is a great chance to wipe the slate clean with her."
"Angel I need to get away from here. The only reason you are still with me is because of the
baby. Well he's gone and I will be soon. Angel I am going to Sunnydale, with or without you. You deal
with death differently from me. I cry and cry then I get all neurotic, looking for coffee cups that
were never there. You grieve by brooding and sulking. You're like a loner, you don't like to be
disturbed or to talk to anyone. I need to be held, strong arms, and to rant about why this life is so
fucked up. I need you but you won't be here. You'll be in your own little world of misery and darkness.
Maybe Sunnydale is what I need." She ran her hands down his arms. "Just for a few days 'till Buffy
gets back. If you change your mind you where I am." Cordelia left him still sitting in the nursery while
she flung her case on the bed and began to pack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cordelia pulled up in front of Willows apartment, the sun turning the brown leaves golden. The dull
tones of Fall were out in Technicolor as the sun set, the moon waiting for the town to turn into the
dark nightmare of demons. Cordelia watched as Willow descended the stairs, her red hair blowing in
the breeze. They looked hesitantly at each other before Willow pulled Cordelia into a warm hug and
they headed back into the apartment.
"So no Angel then? Cordelia you look so ill and thin. I know you've just um...but you look as if you
haven't eaten for weeks."
Cordelia tugged nervously at her now baggy tank top. "Well it's one of the drawbacks of morning
sickness for 3 and a half months. That was the reason I lost the baby. I went tot he doctors early on
but what he gave me didn't work and I was too scared to go to the doctors. The doctor that came this
morning told me if I had gone to the hospital they might have had to abort the baby." She blinked
back the tears. "They would have killed my baby but instead I killed him. I was slowly poisoning him
and myself so my body got rid of it." The tears refused to stay and flowed down her face in torrents.
"I can still feel it, his life flowing out of my body, rejected. Angel is hurting so badly like when I first
found him in LA, but it's ten times worse.. This time it isn't about Buffy, this time it's my fault, I'm
causing his pain. Not all the tormented souls of the people he killed, not Buffy, not Angelus. Me!"
Willow took the sobbing shell into her arms. "Cordelia it isn't your fault. You did not kill your baby. You
couldn't have stopped it even if you moved heaven and earth. It's Fate, nothing stops it. Don't ever
blame yourself about Angels pain, you didn't cause that. Your hurting as well but your feeling it worse
because you blame yourself and you're refusing to face it. I know it hurts but the pain will heal and
the memories of your baby will remain. You need to move on and look at what you have not what was
going to be. Why don't you join me and Tara at the Bronze?"
"Willow no offence but I don't feel like clubbing it tonight."
"No, demons set fire to the bronze about a month or so ago, it's now a posh cafe. You need to
eat and seeing poeple you used to know might help you to escape for a while."
Cordelia snapped out of her deep thought. "Escape, escape is good. If it get too much for me I can
always come back here. Can I just phone Angel first to tell him I got here OK?" Cordelia dialled the
Angels number and distantly listened to it as the tone rang out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel sat in the smoky bar, a whiskey glass in his hand. Cordelia had left him in the room that was
meant to be filled with so much joy and laughter but now filled with hollow memories and sunken
dreams. His family had disappeared over night. He knew deep down inside that he would never get
another chance at a family and Cordelia had left him as well, only temporarily she claimed. His life was
slipping back into his per-Sunnydale days with all the people he loved and cared about leaving him when
things got to tough or someone better came along. Wesley, having found his real family, though a visit
a month ago had shown him glowing with happiness. Buffy had given up his love when normal and
breathing Riley came along. Now Cordelia had left him in both mind and spirit, she was in Sunnydale,
needing space from his misery and darkness. He lifted the shot glass to his lips and drunk in the
amber amnesia. To escape, for a moment, who he was his reward. Escape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cordelia sat back on her bed after coming home from the Bronze after 30 minutes. The smiles and
the normality was too much her and she felt her heart break with every peel of laughter she heard.
The photographs of the second ultrasound sat out in front of her. Angel was going to frame then but
she kept the second set, private to herself, they were all she had now. She was so wrapped up in her
photos that she didn't hear the door behind her open.
Buffy stood looking at HER room with the intruder sitting on HER bed. "Cordelia what the hell do you
think you are doing here?" Buffy stood, her posture angrily directed at Cordelia.
Cordelia turned to face Buffy, her face reddened by hours of crying, her eyes puffy and red from the
salted tears that stung the cuts under them from rubbing. "What are you doing back Willow said that
you were in LA."
"My dad had to go away on business, anyway aren't you the one who is meant to be in LA with
Angel?"
Cordelia started to cry again. Buffy dropped her stance and walked slowly over the shaking figure that
she a moment ago hated. "Cordelia what happened." She noticed the photos on the bed. "Are these of
your baby?"
"These were photos of my baby. It's all my fault, I did it. I couldn't stop it. It's all finished."
Buffy sat on the bed next to Cordelia, and put her arm over her shoulder. "Cordelia your talking
nonsense. What's all your fault? What couldn't you stop?"
"I lost the baby." Cordelia sunk into Buffys hold and sobbed, her moaned blank in pain.
Buffy held her as she cried her pain away. She sat in shock. Cordelia had lost her baby, Angels baby.
If Cordelia was here that meant Angel would be to. She reconsidered when she realised that Angel
would never come back to Sunnydale again after Xanders death. Her heart sank again. She consolingly
as Cordelia muttered to herself, blaming herself again until she drifted off into a troubled sleep. She
lay Cordelia down on the bed and went over to her computer to check her emails. She was disturbed
by a light knock at the door. Buffy opened it to find a haggard Angel standing in her doorway.
"God Angel, come in."
Cordelia stirred as her senses felt him enter the building, her heart started to beat faster and her
head all in a flutter. When she heard his soft voice she fully awoke.
"Angel." She called from the other room searching for his solid figure. "Angel where are you."
Angel barged past Buffy into her bedroom to find Cordelia sitting up in Buffys bed, her hair rumpled
and her face scared with tear tracks. "Oh God Cora, I shouldn't have let you leave. I need you so
badly. You have to come home with me tonight. I can't cope with this alone and neither can you." Angel
caught sight of the all-ready packed bag by the bed. "Come on Cora, please come home with me."
Cordelia nodded and Angel grabbed her bag. Cordelia stood up and walked slowly out of the apartment
leaving Angel to say his thank-yous and goodbyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Read On