Chapter 8 - Tears / Those three words I should have said
Written by Alain Gravel
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX
http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
Started on February 20th 1999
First pre-reader draft finished on September 7th 1999
Second pre-reader draft finished on September 16th 1999
Final draft finished on October 10th 1999
Final revisions on March 14th 2000
As he heard footsteps closing in, Kaji Ryouji knew that the time had come. He had become too much of a threat for SEELE and NERV to live much longer. The urge to try and simply escape was great, but it would not solve anything. Only with his death could he protect those he loved and cared about.
He opened his eyes and raised his head, so that he could see the eyes of the person intent on killing him.
"Hi. You're late."
The sound of a shot echoed in the room.
Kaji Ryouji fell limply onto the ground. His assassin left without a word...
For the third time, I tried to solve that stupid
math problem... and failed to do so. I looked at the two girls sitting
in front of the TV, having some video game match. A very noisy video game
match. Especially since Rei was beating Asuka almost every time.
"Take that! That! And that! You're dead Wonder Girl!!!!
YES!!! VICTORY!!!"
But, then again, I guess it was a blessing that
Rei did indeed beat Asuka most of the time since the redhead tended to
shout even more loudly when she was the winner.
I groaned. Unfortunately, this didn't go unnoticed
by a certain Sohryu Asuka Langley.
"What are you complaining about? Still stuck on
that stupid math problem?"
"I can't concentrate with all the noise you two
make! Could you at least lower the volume of the TV...?"
"No!"
I groaned again.
"Why are you playing here anyway? Don't you have
your own apartment?"
"We don't have a TV."
"Buy one!"
"We can't afford one."
"But you just spent God knows how much money on
those new dresses you just bought two days ago!"
"Yeah, and now I'm broke..."
I sighed as I let myself slump on the table in defeat.
I tried to look at Rei for help... no use, she was still glued to the TV.
I really wished Asuka hadn't shown her that game...
"Well, if you can't study, at least try and be
useful! I'm dying of thirst! You could at least treat your house guests
better, baka!"
House guests!?
"Hai, hai..."
Why did I keep taking this? Because
I wanted Rei to have fun. And also because I didn't really dare take the chance
to upset Asuka. So, I just did what I was told and went to the kitchen
to get some drinks. I guess it was alright anyway, I was thirsty myself.
Ignoring all the beers on Misato's side of the fridge, I opted for some
orange juice. I didn't feel like making tea and we were out of soda (Asuka
and Rei had run out of soda two days ago, so the redhead had found it easier
to raid our fridge than going out to buy some).
When I came back to the living room with a tray
holding three glasses of juice, I noticed by Asuka's expression that she
had obviously lost again to Rei. I smirked; at least there was some justice.
"Here."
Rei took the glass, finally acknowledging my existence
for the first time in an hour by thanking me (which gave Asuka the opportunity
to knock down Rei's character in the game). I then handed a glass to Asuka
who happily drank it now that victory was hers. Soon enough, the two girls
went back to the game. I sighed and tried to go back to work. That's when
Misato came in. As Misato entered the apartment, I immediately sensed that
something was wrong.
"I'm back."
The way she had said those words... Misato usually
tried to be cheerful, even if her day at work had sucked. But today...
she looked tired, almost on the verge of collapse. But worst of all...
her eyes seemed... lifeless.
Neither Rei nor Asuka noticed this, being too engrossed
in their game. They probably didn't even realize that Misato had come in.
And the volume of the TV was so high that I had barely heard her myself.
The Major walked toward the fridge, but as her hand
reached to open it, she stopped.
I was growing worried. No matter what happened,
she always gulped down a beer after work.
Then, she looked toward the phone and noticed the
light that indicated a message. I hadn't even seen it until now. For the
first time since she came in, some expression showed on her face. But I
didn't like what I saw.
Almost clumsily, she made her way to the phone and
pushed the button.
I think that neither Rei nor Asuka heard the message.
They would have reacted. But I heard it.
"Katsuragi, it's me. I'm sure you're listening to
this message, after I've caused you so much trouble. Sorry. Please tell Ritchan
"I'm sorry." And there's one more thing to trouble you with: I've been
growing... flowers. I'd appreciate it if you could water them. Shinji-kun
knows where they are. Katsuragi, the truth is with you. Don't hesitate.
Move ahead! If I can see you again, I will say the words that I could not
say eight years ago. Bye."
I didn't really react to the words at first. I understood
what the meaning behind them was, but I think that part of me didn't want
to even consider that possibility. But the tears that fell on the wooden
table, as well as the sobs that escaped my guardian's lips before her knees
gave in and she collapsed on the table... it was impossible to ignore that.
She was... crying in a way I would never have thought possible from her.
Something had happened... surely, something had happened... to Kaji...
"Misato-san..."
As I ran to her side, Rei and Asuka finally
noticed what was going on around them.
"Mein Gott! Misato, what's wrong?"
Asuka was probably too surprised to do a thing.
Rei has a puzzled look on her face, as if what she was currently seeing something
she had difficulties to comprehend and did not know how to react to. After all, she
mostly only knew the Major's confident and sometime carefree side, she didn't know
the sensible woman that Misato could also be. Awkwardly, I touched the Major's
shoulder with a finger.
"Misato-san..."
"Shinji! Why? WHY?"
Her reaction took me by surprise. She grabbed my
shirt, pulling me down on the floor, before collapsing herself, then shrinking
into a fetus position like a child would have.
I've seen many things in my life. I've been in the
heat of battle. I've seen people get hurt. I've seen people die. But the
sight that always hurts the most is seeing a woman cry this way.
I hate that. And each time I hate myself because
I feel so helpless.
I looked at this grown woman on the floor, crying
before me, and I didn't know what to do. So I simply knelt down
and took her in my arms, hoping it would at least provide some comfort.
"It's okay Misato-san... it's okay..."
I felt stupid for saying that, for I didn't even
know exactly what was wrong, but those were the only words that came to
mind. But those words must have brought some comfort, as Misato began
to calm down a bit.
It was strange holding her this way. Misato was
my guardian, the person who was always there when I had a problem, at
least when she was sober. Usually, she was the one who tried to comfort
others. Also, I had never held a fully grown woman in my arms before,
only teenage girls. For the first time, I realized that, as beautiful as
they could be, Rei and Asuka still had a lot of growing up to do compared
to Misato. As I did.
I looked up at the two girls, who appeared completely
lost as to what to do in this extraordinary situation. Asuka tried to approach us,
but took a step back right after making a step forward. She stared at us, then
at a confused Rei, then at the door, then at her feet, then at us again.
"Shinji, do you think that you'll..."
"I'll handle things."
She seemed a bit guilty, yet relieved.
"I... I... I'm sorry to be this useless... I just..."
"It's okay..."
Asuka looked at Rei and with a silent sign, indicated
the door. With a nod from the blue haired girl, both were out of the apartment
an instant later.
Well, seemed that the task of taking care of Misato
was mine alone now that the girls had left me on my own. I couldn't really blame
them. I felt lost myself. I... I was only a child... I didn't know that
to do.
"A fool... such a fool..."
"Misato-san..."
We stayed there for a while, maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour,
I didn't know. Each time I thought that she would stop crying, the
tears just came back, full strength. When it did, I just held her tighter.
When she would calm down, I would let my fingers gently flow through the
long dark purple hair, hoping it would have some soothing effect. It felt
soft under my hand, almost like silk. Neither Rei nor Asuka's hair was
this soft. Maybe it was a side effect of all that LCL we were constantly
immersed in. Or maybe Misato simply had softer hair.
"Misato-san... maybe you should lie down in your
room..." I tried to suggest, once she seemed to calm down for good.
"Yes..." she barely whispered.
I helped her get up and practically carried her
there. She just didn't seem to have the strength to stay up on her legs.
It had not been easy. While of average size for a woman, Misato
was still a lot taller than me, and she was definitely heavier than Asuka.
It was a lot to carry for my small and weak frame. But we did make it.
With a foot, my hands were too busy holding her, I opened the sliding door.
I had never really entered her room, it was considered as off-limits, and
I couldn't help but gasp at the state of disorder it was in. I had taken
a peek once, around the time I had came to Tokyo-3. At the time, it was
already a mess. But now... I looked in disgust at the beer cans, litter
and clothes lying around. I wondered, was it me who was abnormal for wanting
to sleep in a tidy room?
Of course, with my general luck, something was bound
to happen.
As best as I could, I tried to carry Misato to her
bed without tripping on some of her stuff. However I didn't plan on Misato
walking on a beer can and, with her already unsteady balance, falling on the
said bed, dragging me along with her. The outcome of this... I had fallen
on top of a female... again! Surely, it was a curse! Well, at least this time,
my hands were on the bed and not... somewhere else.
I know some people who would not label this as "bad
luck".
We both opened our eyes. I stared at her dark brown
eyes, red and puffy from too much crying. She stared into mine. Then, I
felt an arm on my back, pushing our bodies together and a pair of lips
on mine...
I woke up with a start, as I felt something hit my
stomach. My eyes snapped open to see a foot there. I looked at the owner
of the foot. Misato was dead asleep. She now seemed at peace. I almost
laughed as I noticed the way she was drooling on her pillow.
Careful not to wake her, I got up and exited the
room. Thankfully, in her sleep she had released the hold she had taken
on my wrist to keep me close.
As I looked at a clock for the current time, I realized
it was very early in the morning, but not early enough to go back to bed
and try to catch some sleep. I would have to go to school soon enough.
I yawned. I had probably barely managed to sleep one hour, maybe two, last
night. I could feel it, the day would be a very long one... Lazily, I made
my way toward the bathroom. Maybe I would feel better after a long bath.
I had plenty of time to take one.
I exited the bathroom to end up face-to-face with
Misato. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing her bathrobe, clearly intending
to take a bath herself. I felt pretty self conscious as I stood there,
wearing only a towel around my waist. It was clear that for both of us,
this seemed like an embarrassing situation. We looked at each other. I
couldn't help but remember what had happened a few hours ago. She must
have noticed the blush on my face, as she blushed herself.
At least, she seemed to be feeling a bit better,
part of me noted.
"I... I... I'll prepare breakfast. You... you can
use the bathroom now," I said, in an attempt to put an end to this awkward
situation. Then, I ran to my room, as fast as one holding a towel around
his waist could.
When Misato finally joined me for breakfast, she
was already completely dressed in her NERV uniform, unlike every other
morning. As usual, her hand reached for the fridge to no doubt pull out
a beer, but I stopped her by putting my own hand on the door.
"I think this will be more helpful," I said as I
handed her a cup of coffee. I had already drunk two, even though I hated
the taste.
She gave me a weird look, but gave in. While she
did look better than the night before, she seemed a bit worn out. She probably
didn't have enough strength to protest.
Coffee in hand, she sat down and took a few sips
of the hot brown liquid. Without so much as a word on my part, I put a
plate of toast in front of her and pulled some jam out of the fridge.
"That's all we have for breakfast?"
"I didn't really feel like cooking."
Misato nodded in understanding. As I sat down, she
eyed me nervously.
"Shinji... about last night... well... I... I wasn't
thinking straight..."
"It's okay, Misato-san."
I smiled at her, a warm smile. She seemed a bit
surprised by my reaction.
"No harm done, right?"
I paused for a few seconds. Should I really say
that?
"Besides... it was... enjoyable..."
I knew that I was probably blushing heavily, now.
Misato stared at me, wide eyed, then blushed herself before laughing lightly.
It felt good to see her that way.
"As long as we don't tell Asuka and Rei, we should
manage to stay alive," I added, before laughing lightly myself.
We didn't really say much more after that. We were
probably still a bit uncomfortable. And I could tell that Misato was perturbed
by something else. As I noticed the way she seemed to stare at the phone,
I grew worried that she would collapse in another fit of tears. That is,
until we heard a "quack" coming from her side.
"Pen-Pen!"
The smell of toast had probably woken up the now
hungry penguin. Before I could get up and try to find something for him
to eat, Misato picked him up and held him tightly in her arms, in the same
way a little girl would hold a teddy bear. She looked so sad... This couldn't
go on much longer. Something was hurting her and I felt that... she needed
to share that pain.
I was reluctant to ask the question that was on
my mind. I had an idea of what was tearing her apart. But... I didn't dare
ask. Ignorance is bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you. And... I didn't
want to be hurt myself...
"What... what happened... Misato-san? Is... is it...
is it Kaji?"
Damn! I had asked!
She winced upon hearing Kaji's name, and held
the warm water bird tighter. Tears silently made their way down her cheeks
to fall on the animal's feathers.
The next words were harder to say. Well, no turning
back now...
"So... it's really about Kaji. I... I heard the
message last night. Is he... is he... dead?"
Shock appeared in her face. She almost dropped Pen-Pen.
She put him back on the ground, probably not willing to take the risk of
such a thing occurring again.
"Shinji-kun... you... you don't have to know..."
She looked at me, her eyes almost pleading.
"I... I can't... I can't run away from the truth...
not forever. Besides, I already know. But... if you don't tell me... I
know part of me will... just... try to... evade the truth..."
She looked at me, her expression shifting from surprise
to pride. Despite the tears that just kept falling, she gave me a shy but
warm smile, before becoming very serious. Her lips parted, she tried to
speak, but failed. Only the second time did I hear a faint, "Yes. He's dead."
Up until now, I had done a good job in avoiding
the truth. It was so easy. Kaji was such an extraordinary man. He always
seemed so cool, so in control. He always seemed to have a solution to every
problem. Kaji, dead? This just didn't seem to make sense. So far, I had
avoided the truth. But now that Misato had said the words...
"I see."
These where the only words I could think to say.
As I spoke, I was realized how dry my throat suddenly was.
At first, the feeling I felt was not as I though
it would be. I knew sadness. I knew how it felt. But I didn't feel that
way. I felt rather... hollow. This was disturbing.
"Are you sure?"
Part of me still didn't want to believe it. Maybe
that was why I was feeling this way.
Misato nodded. Calmly, I raised my cup of coffee
to take a sip.
"Misato... this is Kaji we're talking about... he
can't... he can't be dead..."
"Shinji. He's dead. I know."
The tone of her voice. The unmistakable hurt on
her face.
That, I couldn't ignore.
First Mother.
Along with her, Father.
And now Kaji...
My cup of coffee fell on the table, part of the
warm liquid splashing on my shirt. I felt a familiar pain in my chest,
and familiar tears running from my now blurred eyes.
"Shinji!"
How odd... now, she was the one to get up and embrace
me in her arms, despite her own tears.
"Shinji..."
It was a good thing that Asuka was now living with
Rei. She probably would have been disgusted at seeing me cry like this.
She would probably have said something like, "Are you a man or what?"
No, I was wrong. I knew how much she liked Kaji.
He had been her first crush. He also had been the closest thing she had
to a father. He had been the closest thing I ever had to a father, so I
could imagine how she would have felt. If she had been here... she would
probably have been even more hurt than me.
"Let's... let's not tell Asuka..." I managed to
say after a while.
"You're right," agreed Misato, still holding me.
"Just make up some story about him dumping me and going back to Germany.
It will do... for now."
"Yes... we can tell her... when all this is over.
With time... she won't think about him as much..."
Misato let go of me. We both tried to wipe our tears.
She would soon have to go to work and I would have to go to school. The
pain and sudden void in our lives still existed, but somehow, I think we
bolt felt a bit better. Just a bit.
"Are you okay, Misato-san?"
"No... but... one day I will..."
There was a long pause. Neither of us knew what
to say.
"He said that if we were to meet again, he would
have said the words that he should have said eight years ago. I regret
not having said them myself. Shinji... if you haven't already... tell Asuka
and Rei that you love them. You never know... when those you love... will
no longer be there..."
I nodded. Those three words. I love you. I had never
said them properly to either of them.
I stood up and was on my way to go change and pick
up my school bag when a question occurred to me. A simple question, but
it had a lot of impact.
"Why?"
Misato looked at me for a long while. She seemed
hesitant to answer. I guess that she was working on choosing the right
words.
"He was a security risk."
Hearing those words, only one conclusion came to
my mind. My hands tightened into fists.
"Did HE give the order to kill him?"
"The order came from his office."
"I see."
I looked at my fists, as I started to register that
my fingers were hurting. My knuckles were white. I opened my hands, so
as not to harm myself. But the anger was still there.
"I don't know how, I don't know when, but he'll
pay..." I said in a low voice that probably worried Misato, judging by the
expression she was wearing.
She came to me and put one hand one my shoulder,
and the other brushed through my hair. It had a calming effect. Suddenly,
I realized that we had never been quite as close as we were now.
"Don't do anything rash, Shinji. I'll take over
Kaji's work. I'll look for the truth. And once I've found it, we'll see
what we can do with it."
"Misato-san..."
I looked at her. Pain had left her eyes, to be
replaced by purpose and resolve.
"Promise me you'll be careful."
Again, she embraced me into a hug, a more cheerful
one.
"I will, Shinji-kun. I will..."
"So, what was Misato's problem?"
There was concern as well as curiosity in Asuka's
voice. I wasn't surprised that she would ask. But I hadn't expected it
so soon. We had barely left the apartment complex to go to school.
"Kaji dumped her," I said flatly. Quickly, my brain
was working to build a reasonable story.
Asuka stopped dead in her tracks.
"What?!"
"I believe he said that Kaji-san broke his relationship
with Major Katsuragi."
Asuka glared at Rei.
"I know what he said! I... I just can't believe
it..."
"Believe it. They're not together anymore. And probably
never will be."
This wasn't completely the truth, but it wasn't
completely a lie either.
"But... but... they love each other!"
"Seems he didn't love her as much as we thought. The
instant he got what he wanted... he just threw her away."
Shock registered on both girls faces as they heard those
words. I felt bad saying such things about Kaji. But it was for Asuka's own good.
It's weird. It's so easy to lie when the lie causes less pain than the truth.
"He got... what he wanted...?"
Apparently, my lie wasn't very convincing after all. Asuka
had trouble accepting it.
"I believe he meant that Kaji-san did not feel anything
anymore for Major Katsuragi once he had sex with her," Rei conveniently explained.
Surely Asuka had understood what I had meant. After all, she
was supposed to be more intelligent than me. However, understanding something and
accepting it are two very different things. Luckily, Rei's words usually had a lot
of impact, which made this "fact" easier for Asuka to accept.
"That can't be..."
Anyone who knows Asuka knows that her emotions are very
intense. So, it was no surprise to see her facial expression to change from shock
and disbelief to boiling anger in barely a second.
"That bastard! When I see him, I'll... I'll... I'll tear him
apart! To think I thought he was so great...!"
"You won't see him again."
"Uh?"
Rei looked at me, a suspicious look on her face. I guess I
had let too much out with those words. She could now see through the lies. But
Asuka didn't seem to understand. It was all that mattered.
"He left for Germany," I lied again.
"That coward! Humpf!"
This said, Asuka stomped toward school. I guess
she needed to work out some anger.
"Don't tell her," I simply said to Rei.
She silently nodded in understanding.
The truth is something precious. But it can also
hurt. Sometimes, it's better to feel anger then pain. Not always, but sometimes,
it is. A few days later, I realized it had been a wise decision to keep
this secret from her...
As I let myself fall on my bed, I sighed in relief.
What a day... School had been okay, and there hadn't been any tests at
NERV today, but still, I was dead tired. I had been worried when Misato
skipped dinner, but I felt a bit better when she called, to say that she
would be working late. She was probably trying to keep herself occupied.
I couldn't blame her. I had not known Kaji as well as her and the pain
was still there. I had found myself unconsciously crying a few times today.
Misato... She was my superior officer, my guardian.
But she was also always there when I needed her. I thought about all the
times she had given me advice. All the times she had tried to help me, even
if I didn't want anybody around. She was like... a mother.
Then I thought back at the night before. How vulnerable
she had been. How it had felt to hold her in my arms, so close. How she
had seemed lost, grabbing my wrist, begging not to leave her alone in her
room.
A lot of guys would probably have been envious.
She was very pretty after all. Even if she was lazy around the house.
Not only was she my superior, and the closest thing
I had to a mother now, but she was also a woman, I realized.
I thought back at the moment when we had both fallen
onto her bed. How she had drawn us together. How our lips had touched and
the way it felt, as I melted into that kiss...
I closed my eyes and tried to chase those kind of
thoughts out of my head. Dammit! I already loved Rei and Asuka! I couldn't
think about Misato this way!
It was only a simple kiss, dammit!!!
I tried to concentrate on the mother figure that
Misato was to me. This was all I wanted, what I longed for. Someone who
would care for me... but not in the same way as Rei or Asuka.
Keeping this image in mind, I slowly drifted to
sleep, wearing a contented smile.
Kaji Ryouji groaned as he struggled to get up. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable. Almost. He inserted a finger into the hole in his shirt and could feel a bullet imbedded in the metal plate that he had bound there. It had stopped the bullet, but the impact had likely broken a few of his ribs. At least, he was grateful that the bullet had been meant for his heart and not his head. Still, he regretted not having used something more sophisticated like a light bullet proof vest.
Painfully, he stood. He wasn't sure how long he had been unconscious, so he had to act fast before the cleaning crew would come.
Out of its nearby hiding place, Kaji pulled out a half filled garbage bag as well as the corpse of a NERV security agent who had previously tried to shoot him. The man was also an infiltrated agent of SEELE. It was ironic that even "dead" he would still do some work in Ikari's favor.
Carefully, Kaji took the man's wallet and replaced it with his own. He also removed the black vest and sunglasses the man wore. The man had similar build and hair color to him. But one problem remained. From the garbage bag, Kaji pulled a gun equipped with a silencer. Emptying an entire clip into the corpse's head was enough to make its face unidentifiable. The mess it had made would also prompt the cleanup crew to get rid of the corpse as soon as possible. He almost laughed, thinking about all the time people had wished to wipe the smile off Kaji Ryouji's face. He thought they would have approved.
From his bag, Kaji removed a black vest, similar the the one the man had worn. He put it on, as well as the man's sunglasses. He put the blood stained vest of the man into the bag, to be disposed off into the nearest garbage can. Smiling, the man formerly known as Kaji Ryouji walked away from the corpse, knowing that now he would be able to easily leave NERV Headquarters. However, the smile on his face was fake.
"I'm sorry to impose this on you Katsuragi," he thought, "but it's the only way I can protect you..."
There was still much to do. Now that he was dead, he could attempt to track down SEELE. Only a shadow had hopes of exposing an organization that ruled from the shadows. If he could find a way to eliminate SEELE, then Katsuragi and the Children would be safer.
"Take care, Katsuragi. Protect this city and the Children as best you can. If I'm successful, maybe we will meet again..."
[To be continued...]
Next: Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you
Omake:
"You're a little late, aren't you?" Kaji asked as
he smirked. Misato hated that smirk. So she shot him in the chest and walked
away.
"That was for using me." She said grimly.
After she had left, Kaji stood up and took off the
kevlar vest he was wearing. He took care of business, (i.e. - replacing
his body with one of a dead agent, plus he had to use the bathroom; Misato
could be really scary) and walked towards the nearest door to leave.
"Oh, hey Hyuuga." Kaji smiled.
"You'll never hurt the Major again!" Hyuuga screamed.
*BLAM!*
Kaji fell to the ground. Satisfied with his work,
Hyuuga went back to NERV Command. After he left, Kaji got up, took off
his kevlar stomach protector, and walked out the door.
As he boarded the elevator, he ran into Asuka.
"Asuka-chan! How are you?"
"This is for leading me on!!!"
*BLAM!*
Kaji slumped over before falling to the ground.
Satisfied with her work, Asuka stepped off the elevator and made her way
home to Shin-chan's cooking. Seeing she had left, Kaji stood up and removed
his kevlar jock strap. He doubted he would ever have kids, though.
After sneaking out of the Geofront, Kaji decided
a quick drink would be a fine idea. So he went to the nearest bar.
He made himself comfy and ordered a beer. Then he
noticed his companion next to him.
"Pen-Pen?"
"Wark!"
*BLAM!*
Kaji fell to the ground yet again. Satisfied, Pen-Pen
finished off his beer, then Kaji's, and left. After he left, Kaji stood
up and removed his kevlar thigh socks. By now, Kaji was not happy. So he
quickly made his way to the airport, stopping only at 7-11 for a ho-ho
and a porno mag.
"Kaji-san!" Shinji exclaimed.
*BLAM!*
Shinji slumped to the floor. Better to be safe than
sorry, Kaji thought as he walked to the airport.
(my thanks again to Godsend777 for that little piece)
Click here to reach the Author's notes