Chapter 10 - Never Forget
By Alain Gravel
Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX
http://www.geocities.com/rakna01/
Started on February 20th 1999
First pre-reader draft finished on October 31st 1999
Second pre-reader draft finished on November 5th 1999
Final draft finished on January 19th 2000
Final revisions on March 15th 2000
(*) Click to reach translations notes
On top of one of Tokyo-3's buildings, the young girl stared at the city spread before her as the sun rose from its slumber. The wind was strong and cold, making her gray hair flow behind her and tightly hugging her dress against her young body. She didn't mind; the wind felt good. It was so... free.
She felt a deep sense of respect for this city. Even after such terrible attacks, it still stood, a reflection of the Lilims' pride. There were many damaged buildings here and there, but already, countless men and women were working hard to restore the city to its normal state... until the next wave of destruction would come.
As she often did, the girl reflected on her purpose. Was it really necessary? She recalled the last assault. She had seen the results with her own eyes. The red one had been crushed. She would not interfere again. She felt sad for that girl. But even more for the boy.
That boy... why couldn't she chase him from her mind...
She stared at the sky. It was coming. She could feel it. Armisael, the Sixteenth Messenger. If it failed, then only one would be left.
"Will you fight this time, Ikari Shinji?"
"Squawk! Squawk!"
Pen-Pen flapped his wings happily as he greeted
me in the apartment. It had been only a few days since I had moved into
the next apartment, so I was surprised the warm water bird had apparently
missed me. I bent down and petted his feathered head. Happy with that,
he left for the kitchen where he picked up a beer from Misato's fridge.
"Ohayo, Shinji." (*)
My gaze left the penguin to look at Rei, who had
just exited the bathroom, a large towel covering her body and another on
her head. It felt good to hear her voice, and even better to see her. Not
really willingly, we had avoided each other these last few days. Part of me
felt a bit awkward around her, in a similar way I had felt around Asuka
after the lake incident and before the destruction of Unit-03.
"I will get dressed, then we can begin," said Rei
simply, before smiling, apparently glad to see me as well.
"I... I'll wait for you on the balcony."
I watched her enter my old room and noticed that
the small sign 'Shinji's lovely suite' still hung there. I thought back
at the first time she had entered this room, the first time we slept together.
It was a vivid memory, yet it felt like ages ago.
After going to the bathroom to pick up the tools
I would need to accomplish the task, I went to the balcony and prepared
a chair for Rei. The wind was fresh, yet not cold, and the sun's rays shone
brightly over the balcony. It would be perfect.
"It is a nice day," said Rei as she joined me, putting
my thoughts into words.
"Yes."
It was a nice day, but Rei was a prettier sight.
She was wearing a short brown sundress, a piece of clothing I had never
seen her wear. The color of her damp hair seemed more vivid than usual
and the natural light of the day made her milky skin look paler. She was
truly beautiful.
With a hand I invited her to sit on the chair, then
placed a towel over her shoulders.
"Are you really sure you want me to do that?" I
asked, suspiciously eyeing the pair of scissors I held in one hand and
the comb in the other. "I... I'll likely mess it up..."
"I have faith in you."
"But... why... why ask me?"
"Hotaru cut my hair the last time. It had felt good;
relaxing. I wanted to feel this from you. And... hairdressers make me...
uneasy. They tend to stare at my hair..."
"Oh..."
"It is also an opportunity to see you. I... missed
you."
The tone of her voice... I had resolved not to feel
guilty on my choice of focusing on Asuka, to be there for her until she
felt better. So far, I had managed to suppress any feeling of guilt. But
those words... it felt as if she had just stabbed me with a knife.
"I... I... I'm sorry..."
Her fingers brushed against one of my hands that
was currently resting on her shoulder. The touch was very gentle.
"It is not your fault. I understand. And I am glad
that you are helping her. So do not feel guilty."
"Rei..."
"We are together now, are we not? We should enjoy
this moment..."
I smiled, my heart feeling lighter. What did I do
to deserve the love of such a girl?
I leaned over with the intent of kissing her, when
I was suddenly and rudely interrupted.
"Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!!!"
I looked down at the penguin. Was it my imagination
or did Pen-Pen seem angry with me? I couldn't really tell due to the sunglasses
he was wearing. Where did he pick those up anyway?
"Pen-Pen!"
The bird calmed down and looked at Rei, very happily
it seemed. The teenage girl bent down to pick him up and placed him on
her lap.
"He... he seems to like you a lot..." I said, still
confused by the penguin's behavior. He... he couldn't be jealous... could
he?
"I hope he does. He is my only company here. Without
him, I would feel lonely. I think... I have grown used to company, ever
since Asuka came to stay with me..."
"Oh... so... that means Misato-san still spends
most of the day at NERV..."
Misato had not lied when she had said she would
be looking for the truth. Ever since Kaji's death, her presence had faded
from our lives more and more.
"Yes. She only comes here to sleep, wash herself
and change clothes. She rarely eats breakfast either."
"Did she also keep her resolution to stop drinking
beer?"
A bit after she had told me that Kaji was dead,
she had promised she would stop drinking as well. I hadn't really believed
she could keep her promise, but she had seemed to hold up until I moved
to Asuka's apartment.
"I have not seen her drink ever since I came to live
here."
"Oh..."
I felt proud of her. Habits were hard to break
and the death of Kaji had given her a big blow. I knew better than anyone
else how tempting it must have been for her to try to run away from reality...
"You should now try to cut my hair before it is
completely dry."
I groaned. I had hoped she would change her mind.
Obviously, she didn't intend to. So I picked up the comb and scissors...
and got to work. I tried to stay calm, but I was a nervous wreck inside.
I was sure I would mess her hair up completely!
"How... is Asuka?"
I had expected this question.
"A bit better. Hikari invited her to her house,
to try and cheer her up. But... there's still something... she won't speak
about it. I think she's starting to accept that there was nothing she could
do against that Angel... but I feel she's hiding something from me. She
still cries at night. It... may be related to her mother. She sometimes
says 'Mama' in her sleep."
"I see... so you sleep with her."
I froze.
"She sometimes... calls for me..."
I really wasn't ready to talk about that first night,
but I didn't want to lie about it either. So I hoped I could simply avoid
talking about it.
"Do not worry. I do not mind. It is the right thing
to do."
I did not miss, however, that her voice didn't seem
as sure as her words sounded.
I really felt that we needed a change of subject.
"Did you invite Hotaru over like I suggested?"
The blue-haired girl nodded with a smile. I was
glad to hear that. I had been afraid that Rei would feel lonely. She had
once slept over at Hotaru's house, but had never invited her friend here.
As she got closer to Asuka, Rei spent less time with her other friend.
I thought it would be a good opportunity for both of them to have some
time together.
"So, you two had fun?"
"It was... very pleasant..."
I froze again.
Rei was blushing. Heavily. That... was not normal.
"What... what did you two do?"
"We went to see a movie."
The words were said almost flatly, but her blushing
increased. I felt a growing sense of dread, especially when I remembered
that Tokyo-3's movie theater was now closed during the day and only showed
one type of movie during the night.
My better judgment was telling me to drop the subject
right here and now.
"You... you... and... Hotaru... went to see a movie?"
So much for my better judgment...
"Yes."
"What... what kind of... movie?"
Damn! Why did I ask? I didn't want to know...
Okay, I did want to know, but I was trying hard
to keep that part of me under control.
"An adult movie," whispered the still blushing Rei.
"W... why?"
"Hotaru-chan had questions... about sex."
"Ques... questions?"
"Yes. She met someone over the Internet a few months
ago. Someone our age, if that person did not lie. It seems she has developed...
feelings for that individual. He asked to meet her in one week. She is
afraid to accept. She was uncertain about what to do. So I told her about
our first date... and how it ended. That is when she asked about... sex.
She is quite shy and naive. I thought a demonstration would be the best
way for her to... learn."
"Did she...?"
"She felt too embarrassed to do anything while in
the theater..."
While my brain was more or less in a process of
shutdown, as one other part of my person was struggling for control, it
did catch the possible implication that Rei may not have been embarrassed
to. My blood pressure probably rose at the thought, especially the mental
image that came along.
I also stopped noticing what I was doing with those
scissors.
"... so I had to teach her once we got back home."
I was ready to faint then and there.
"WHAT!? You two... did you...?"
"No, she only followed my example."
While I felt relief at the thought, it didn't made
me feel any more comfortable.
"Do not worry, Shin-chan. You are the only one I
desire. When I watched those movies, I only thought of you."
If she had been facing me and looked me in the eyes
while saying that, I would probably have melted in her arms right there.
But it fortunately wasn't the case.
There was however some heavy tension in the air.
Rei's heartbeat was probably as fast as mine.
The situation could have grown out of control, that
is if I had not noticed what I had done with Rei's hair.
I gasped and forgot all about all that had been
said seconds earlier.
Oh god!
I started to sweat...
"I... I'm sorry..."
Rei gave me an annoyed look.
"You already apologized enough. It does not matter,
Shinji. It will grow back."
I tried to avoid looking at her. I really felt bad
about that. I had warned her. Didn't I tell her I would mess her hair up?
Well, it wasn't that bad. Rei's hair had always
been a bit unruly after all. Actually, the right side wasn't bad (I didn't
work on it much). The problem was the left side was much shorter. So
it really gave Rei a weird look. I could have risked trying to remove some
more hair on the right, but a call from Headquarter about an Angel attack
prevented me from any further attempts.
It was probably for the better.
At least, it did have the beneficial effect of making
Asuka laugh, for the first time in days. That is until Ritsuko ordered
her to get into her plugsuit. I wished Misato had been there, Ritsuko could
be so cold at times. For the first time ever, it was clear that Asuka wasn't
at all eager to get into her EVA.
I felt really bad for her.
And even more worried.
Unit-01 was still in cryostasis. I didn't like that
fact one bit. After what had happened with the Fifteenth Angel, I had sworn
to myself not to let the girls out alone again. Apparently, the Commander
didn't care about that. What an idiot! There was no way Asuka was ready
to go back. Not yet. If I hadn't been scared to hurt Asuka more than she
was already, I would have asked to pilot Unit-02. But I knew they would
have refused anyway. I was the only one who could pilot Unit-01, even if
it was not to be used.
I really hated this.
The only thing that kept me from going crazy was
my faith in Rei. She would succeed. I had to believe in her.
"Rei..." I said as I opened a comm. link. Rei seemed
very uneasy, which worried me. When she was in her EVA, she usually kept
a calm and very professional attitude, her face would only show expression
in very tense or dangerous situations. But right now, the Angel had yet
to arrive...
"Be careful..." I added after a few seconds.
Rei's face softened, my words apparently being more
meaningful than whatever was worrying her.
"I will," she answered with a small smile, before
terminating the communication.
I was still worried, but at least not as much.
By the time Misato finally got to NERV, the Angel
had finally arrived and was under observation by Rei, who awaited further
orders. So far, it had not used any mind-raping waves or energy blasts,
which I considered a good thing. It just floated.
"Rei! We'll observe its status for a while," ordered
Misato, as she finally took command.
"No. It is coming."
What... what did she mean by that? Misato's words
answered to that.
"Rei! Evasive action!"
"She can't! It's too late!" shouted Hyuuga.
"Target has physically contacted Unit Zero!" confirmed
Aoba.
My God! Rei! I hoped she was all right!
I think the people in the Control room analyzed
the situation for a short time. I'm not sure how long exactly; to me it
felt like hours. But eventually, Misato gave some orders to help Rei.
"Eva Unit Two, launch! Have her rescue Rei, and
provide cover."
I really wished she would have said to launch Unit-01,
even it if was unlikely. I really hoped that Asuka would manage to help.
But part of me had doubts.
"Asuka, advance three hundred meters and spread
your AT-Field to maximum, then fire the palette gun aiming at the target's
back part," ordered Misato. "Eva Unit-02, lift off!"
For a long time, the only thing I could hear was
the sound of silence.
"Move out! Asuka! What's wrong? What's Unit-02's
status?"
"She can't move, Major, her sync ratio is under
10%!" replied Lieutenant Ibuki.
"Asuka!"
"It won't move... it just won't move..."
Those were the only words Asuka could say between
sobs. It was as I had feared. Asuka was unable to back Rei up; and even
less capable of rescuing her. It was too much too soon, she wasn't ready...
Damn!
"Let me go out Misato!" I shouted as I activated
Unit-01, this time without effort.
I expected a negative answer. But I had to try.
And if I needed to destroy Headquarters to go help Rei, then I was resolved
to do it. I wouldn't let anyone be hurt anymore...
I think I was surprised as everybody else as I heard
the Commander's words.
"The freeze on Unit-01 is canceled, effective immediately.
Launch it as soon as possible."
I wasn't about to argue!
"I'm ready Misato! Get me out there quick!"
"Yes... sure! As soon as you're out, spread your AT-Field
to full power. A gun will be waiting for you. Grab it, fire at the target
and get Rei the hell out of there!"
"Yes Misato-san!"
Most likely, the fact that Unit-01 was already activated
and operational made things go faster, as within a minute, the giant humanoid
weapon had been moved to the launching bay. Soon, I felt the familiar rush
as I was catapulted to the surface. I was finally able to see with my eyes
what was happening to Evangelion Unit-00, and had a hard time waiting the
few extra seconds needed to free my EVA from the restraints. I wanted to
simply run up to her and save her, but my common sense told me I would
have a better chance to do so if I followed Misato's orders.
Apparently, activating my AT-Field made the Angel
aware of my presence. If it hadn't been for a warning by Misato, I would
never have been able to dodge its attack as my attention left it for a
second or two, time it took me to pick up the rifle that had been sent to me.
While one of its ends stayed attached to Unit-00, the other launched itself
at me. It missed, but it destroyed my rifle. The end of that thing twisted
in mid-air, and again moved toward me. I don't know exactly how I managed
it; that thing was extremely fast, but somehow the left hand of my EVA
caught the worm of light. It twisted into the metal fist to free itself,
but I held tight. As the other arm of the EVA reached for my progressive
knife, I suddenly felt a sharp pain; as if my left hand it was on fire
or something. I looked at the view screen where I noticed that Unit-01's
left hand was getting deformed by the Angel. I was later told it tried
to contaminate the hand. Then I saw that my own hand, under the plugsuit
was suffering from the same type of "injuries" as my EVA. On reflex, I
almost let it go. But then, a thought occurred to me.
It was not just an impression. I suffered from what
my EVA suffered. If so, then...
I looked at Unit-00...
Rei!
I grabbed the prog knife and savagely hit the Angel
many times, trying to cut it in pieces. Blood gushed from the slashes.
I was about to literally cut it in two when suddenly I heard Rei scream
through the comm. system. The voice of Misato followed immediately.
"Shinji, whatever you do, stop it now! Rei's life
sign are going crazy!"
Oh no... was it possible that hurting that thing...
hurt Rei?
This time, I tried to let go, but it now seemed
fixed to the EVA's fingers. Panicking, I dropped the knife and grabbed
another part of the Angel and pulled. I felt a very painful ripping sensation
as the Unit's left hand and the Angel were forcibly separated, leaving
that hand a bloodied mess. I didn't really want to think how badly my own
hand was injured, but I know it was almost too painful to try to use. I
then let go of the Angel before it would do damage to the other hand. Even
after only a few seconds, it had somehow melted the armor and has started
to attack the flesh of that hand. It felt as if I had just burned my hand
on a hot iron or something.
I tried to prepare myself to dodge a new attack
by that thing, as this was the only thing I could do for now until someone
came up with some kind of a plan, when suddenly, the Angel stiffened. On
the other side of the Angel, Unit-00 seemed to roll into a ball around
the part of the Angel that was connected to it. Over the comm. system,
I heard the words "Inversed AT-Field."
"Rei! What the hell are you doing?!" shouted an obviously
upset Misato.
No answer from Unit-00. I grew worried. Rei had
changed, but not as much to ignore a question by a superior.
"Rei! Abandon the EVA! Eject your entry plug!" ordered
Misato.
"No. If I leave, the AT-field will cease to be.
So, I will not."
What... what was she saying? If she did that...
she'd...
"Rei! Do what Misato says!"
A communication screen from Unit-00 appeared. However,
the words "Sound Only" was the only thing I could see on it.
"It is too late..."
"Rei!!!"
I couldn't let her do that! I couldn't let her die!
Even if part of me knew I'd never make it in time, my EVA ran toward Unit-00.
People in the control room did not notice it because
of the LCL, but I was crying.
"Shinji... Whatever happens... never forget... that
I love you."
"NO! Rei! Don't do this! REI!!!"
"I love you..."
Those whispered words were followed by the sound
of a loud explosion. The pure white light blinded me. I felt pain as the
explosion engulfed Unit-01 and sent it into the air, and even more pain
as I slammed into the ground hard, my own head hitting forcefully the entry
plug seat. I lost consciousness. I'm not sure if it was because of the
physical pain, however. I had felt worse in the past. I believe it was
because part of my heart was torn apart that day.
I woke up with a start, barely able to breathe, my
mind still half-asleep. In my dreams, an Angel had attacked and Rei had
died. I tried to get up, but the sheets of my bed were entangled around
me and I lost my balance and fell out of bed. That brought me back to reality.
I wish it hadn't however, as I realized I was in an infirmary room and
not in my own room. This would mean... I raised my hands to look at them.
They were wrapped in bandages. I remembered the pain I had felt as the
Angel had contaminated Unit-01's hands with only a single touch.
That... that couldn't be...
Awkwardly but frantically, I removed the bandages
of my left hand. The light was dim, but I could still clearly see how swollen
the skin was in some places. There were even a few light scars here and
there, proof that some kind of operation had been done. The slight dizziness
I was feeling was probably a side effect from the painkillers that surely
made those injuries bearable.
The Angel had contaminated Unit-01's hands.
I had tried to fight it, but it only hurt Rei.
So, Rei...
No. No. NO!!!
Without really thinking, I rushed out of the room,
not caring about the fact that I was only wearing a hospital gown (at
least I wasn't naked this time). I had to find Rei. Surely she was alive!
She must have escaped! If I looked around, I would find her!
My reaction had not gone unnoticed by the staff
of the infirmary. It had probably something to do with the fact that I was
asking for her at the top of my lungs. I had only checked five or six rooms
when I was grabbed by three nurses. I tried to escape them, but they managed
to inject me with something. I lost consciousness on the spot.
When I woke up again, my mind seemed wrapped in a
thick fog. It was probably the effects of some sedative. I stared at the
ceiling, and felt tears wet my cheeks. My mind was a bit of a mess, but
there were some facts I couldn't ignore. I hadn't reached Unit-00 and yet
the explosion had sent my EVA flying in the air, even with my AT-Field
at full strength. Even if she had ejected, Rei's entry plug would have
been almost at the center of the explosion. There was no way an entry plug
could have survived.
Rei was... dead.
"Shinji..."
I looked up to see Misato standing at the side of
my bed. She seemed sad. Not as much as when she told me that Kaji was dead,
but it was close.
"Misato-san... tell me this is just a nightmare...
please..."
She just shook her head. Some tears made their way
down her cheeks.
"No... please, no!"
I was crying again, tears flowing freely this time.
Misato sat down on the edge of the bed at my side.
She looked at me straight in the eyes.
"She's gone, Shinji."
I remember the day following the trip to the lake.
How sad I had been. At that time, it had felt as if it was the end of the
world. How naive of me. Not being loved by someone isn't the most painful
experience you can live. What hurts most is losing someone you love. And
it's even worse if that person loves you back.
The pain I felt at that moment was so intense it
was almost physical. It was as if I was about to be engulfed in a sea of darkness.
Probably instinctively, I reached for Misato, held her as tightly as I
could, not to be swept away by that wave of sorrow. I don't remember much
more then that. I only remember the pain. I probably fell asleep, as I
remember clearly waking up, my head just below her chest. Her arms were
around me, and she laid asleep on the bed herself. The pain was there,
and I still had some tears left to cry, but the feelings were not as intense
as before. My sobs probably woke her up, as she brought one or her hands up
to my head to stroke my hair. It was now her turn to comfort me.
"Somehow... it will be okay, Shinji... I promise..."
She made no effort to get up. She just laid there,
letting me rest.
"How...?"
"I... I don't know Shinji..."
Despite the pain in my heart, it felt good being
there. It felt good to feel her regular breathing. I didn't feel alone.
Moments of relative peace as these can't last forever,
however. I was slowly drifting to sleep when Hyuuga came in the room. Had I
not been so depressed, I might have laughed at the expression that appeared
on his face when he saw the way Misato was holding me. Poor Makoto...
"I... I'm sorry Major, but... the Commander wants to
see you."
He did look really sorry, I realized as our eyes met. Part of my brain took notice that Hyuuga was a good man. The other part was still fixed on Rei's death.
I didn't want Misato to leave, but I knew she didn't
have much choice. So I let her get up.
"I'm sorry, Shinji..."
"It's okay..."
She was about to leave, when she spoke again.
"Whenever you feel ready, you can go back home.
There's... something for you there. A letter. I asked Asuka to put it in
your room..."
A letter? A letter... from Rei?
This shook me up enough to clear my mind. In a rush,
I looked for my clothes and put them on. A few minutes later, I was on
my way home.
|
My dearest Shinji, Ever since the attack of the Fifteenth Angel, I have felt a sense of dread wash over me. I do not know why, but I feel that the next battle may very well be my last. Maybe I am just scared. What happened to Asuka is frightening and the Angels appear to becoming stronger and stronger. I am aware of the level of my skills, and I doubt that I can win on my own against the next Angel. But I have sworn to myself that I would always keep you safe. And I intend to keep that oath. I am scared, yet at peace. I hope, however, that I will be able to come back to you. But if I cannot... please know that I am sorry. You will likely soon learn the secrets I tried to keep from you. I wanted to tell you, but I never found the strength. Because I know I would have lost you if I had. I should never have existed. Yet, I am. I also thank you, Ikari Shinji. You gave me so much. Before knowing you, I existed, but did not live. I only existed for His purposes. You made me feel. You made me think. You gave me a will. You gave me life. I could never thank you enough. Know that I love you, Shinji. I love you. I will always.
Rei |
As I read the first words, I felt my knees buckle.
As I reached the middle of the letter, tears fell on the sheet of paper,
messing up Rei's neat handwriting. I was unable to stand anymore. As I finished
the letter, I was curled into a ball in the floor, crying my heart out
again.
She had known she would die. Clutched in my hand
was proof of that. A silver cross on a silver chain; the cross she always
wore. I had found it in a small envelope along with the letter.
She had known she would die, yet, she still piloted.
"But I have sworn to myself that I would always
keep you safe."
For my sake.
"And I intend to keep that oath."
She had. And it had cost her life. Why? Why did
she do this? So I could live? Didn't she know I would rather have died
than know that she had sacrificed her life for mine?
I rose up and looked at the ceiling, toward the
sky I could not see, toward that place where they said that God lived. That
god who had sent his messengers to destroy us. That god who had taken Rei
from me.
It wasn't fair... it wasn't fair!
"It's not fair! REI!"
I collapsed on the floor. Pain was leaving place
to anger. I hit the floor with my fist, then a second time, and then a third.
Again and again, until the bandages of my hands were stained with red
and my hands felt too numb to hurt anymore.
Unknown to me, someone had watched all this, in
a mix of horror, pain and confusion. I only became aware of her presence
as her arms encircled me.
Soft feminine arms. Warm and comforting.
"... Rei?"
"Shinji..."
She had only whispered my name. But it was enough
to recognize the voice. Asuka.
Some irrational thought wanted me to break free
of her embrace. This wasn't right. Rei was the one who usually comforted
me. Sometimes Misato. Never Asuka. But I felt too weak to struggle.
And then a felt a tear on my cheek. A tear that
had not been shed by my eyes.
Then I heard the sobs, joining mine.
I'm sure if someone had been there to watch us,
they would have had found it hard to believe these two children, one
holding the other while both were crying, were mankind's only hope.
After some time, we eventually calmed down. Asuka
was lying on the floor and I was lying on her side, my head resting on
her developing chest, rocked by the slow movement of her regular breathing.
The thought occurred to me that my head was probably very heavy for her
and that her position, sandwiched between me and the floor was probably
uncomfortable, but I felt unwilling and unable to move.
"I should be glad that she's dead. I can have you
all to myself now."
Asuka...
"But I'm not. I feel horrible for even considering
the thought and I feel sad whenever I think about her."
I was hearing the words, but didn't really feel
anything about them.
"I really hated her. I often wished for her to die."
I didn't even feel angry.
"Why am I not glad she's gone?"
I didn't have anything to say.
"It's confusing. I think she was my friend. I think
I cared about her. I know that knowing she's gone... it hurts..."
So I kept quiet.
"I should have died instead of her. I'm the useless
one. I couldn't even take one step. I failed her utterly. I failed everyone
else. I'm worthless."
Silence filled the room again for a long time. Seconds,
maybe even minutes.
"Why? She died for me... why?" I finally said.
"Because she loved you more than life itself."
"But I loved her too..."
Silence.
"I know..." Asuka's voice seemed almost broken as
she said those words.
"SHINJI!"
I heard Misato say my name as she ran in the apartment
and burst into my room. Her face appeared on the door opening, she seemed
almost out of breath, yet there was such a sparkle of life in her eyes.
"She's alive!"
I bolted right up as I heard those words, my entire
body feeling suddenly energized, forgetting all about the girl that was
holding me.
It couldn't be... but if it was true...
"What?!"
"She's alive! Rei's alive!"
Thank God!
"Where?!"
"NERV infirmary, First Cranial Nerve section!"
This was all I needed to know. I was out of the
apartment in a flash, followed closely by Misato, leaving a shocked Asuka behind.
She was there. Looking out through a window, bandages
on her head and arms, a patch over her right eye, wearing an infirmary
nightgown.
She was there!
I ran toward her. If this was a dream, I prayed
I wouldn't wake up before reaching her.
"Rei! You're alright! Thank God! You're... you're
alive!"
Everything was alright now. She was alive. She hadn't
been taken from me. We could go back to the way we were before. With
Rei's help, Asuka would get better. We'd fight off the last Angels together,
nothing could stop us now. We'd all get over this, now that Rei was back.
"Who are you?"
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.
It's then I noticed them. The changes. Small details.
The flawless unruly blue mop of hair, which had not suffered from my attempts
to cut it. Her bandages, on the same exact places then we first met.
The expression on her face, an expression I had not seen in months, never
this lifeless.
This was not Rei.
"You're not Rei."
I wanted to scream, but the words came out flatly.
She looked at me for a whole minute, analyzing me.
"I think not. I think, probably, I am the third."
I did not completely understand those words. But
some of those were clear enough for me. This... thing... wasn't Rei. And
if it wasn't Rei, then Rei was...
No... no...
"NO!"
This... this couldn't be true. Someone... someone
must have been playing a cruel joke on me. Otherwise, why give this thing
the face of a girl I loved?
But those red eyes...
I... I couldn't look at that thing one more second.
So I ran as far from it as I could.
I don't know exactly how long it took for me to get
back to my senses. I had probably wandered the Geofront like some madman
for minutes, maybe even hours. I stared at the patch of watermelon right
in front of me. Something in my unconscious had probably prompted me to
come here. Feeling exhausted, I let myself fall on my knees.
"Kaji... what should I do... I don't understand
what's going on..."
Why did he have to die? I needed help. I needed
answers. What was going on? What had happened to Rei? If the girl I had
seen was not Rei, then what was it?
I could ask Misato... but I doubt she had the answers.
She wouldn't have told me that Rei was alive if she hadn't believed that.
Kaji would have known... but he was dead. Who? Who could tell me?
"Doctor Akagi."
She always seemed to know a lot, more then she would
say. She was the head behind Project-E. If there was something wrong about
one of the pilots, she would be the first to know. She had to have the
answers.
The question was: Would she give them to me?
There was only one way to know.
"Thank you Kaji... I'm sure somehow... you inspired
me..."
I got up, gave a last look to the fruits, then walked
toward NERV.
I had never visited Ritsuko's office, but I had a
vague idea of where it was, so finding it was no problem. Curiously, she
was actually there, staring at her computer. At least for once, something
went right.
"Doctor Akagi."
Startled, the blond haired scientist almost jumped
off her seat. Only then, I noticed what was on her computer screen. It
was a picture of my father, a woman I didn't know but who seemed somehow...
familiar... and a young woman that looked like Ritsuko, only younger and
with brown hair. Could it be... a picture of Ritsuko, from years ago? In
any case, it didn't matter, so I brought my attention back to the Doctor,
who had quickly calmed down from her startled state.
"What can I do for you, Shinji?"
Usually, Ritsuko gave off an air of calm and control.
Not this time. It was as if she had been... shaken by something. And it
wasn't my unexpected visit, I was sure. As I stared at the brown eyes,
I noticed that they were slightly puffy and red.
I realized I didn't care.
"I want the truth. I want to know what was that
thing I saw in the infirmary."
For a moment, her eyes went wide.
"The infirmary? You mean Rei?"
"It wasn't Rei."
Again, she seemed surprised.
"I have no idea what you're trying to say, Shinji.
And I assure you, the person you saw is Ayanami Rei."
"No, it looks like her, but it isn't her. She couldn't
have grown hair in less then a day. And I've seen the explosion up close.
There was no way she could have lived through that. Besides..." I added
as I looked at both my bandaged hands, "... her injuries would have been
really awful."
Surprisingly, this time, the Doctor only nodded.
"Just as I thought. Not everyone would have believed
in Rei's sudden reappearance. Very well, Shinji... know that I'm not lying
when I'm say that the person you saw is Ayanami Rei. The truth is far
more complicated."
"Then, what's the truth?"
"You won't believe me, so I might as well show you..."
I followed the Doctor in dark corridors deep underground,
definitely lower then the levels I had access to. I must admit, I felt
a bit nervous about all this, but I was determined to see this through.
I was determined to get answers to my questions.
"You will likely soon learn the secrets I tried
to keep from you. I wanted to tell you, but I never found the strength.
Because I know I would have lost you if I had."
Those secrets Rei could not tell me... I had to
know what they were.
We had been walking in some poorly lit corridor
for a while when Ritsuko stopped in front of a door. I realized it was
the first door we had seen ever since we had left the elevator that had
led us to this level. The words 'Terminal Dogma: Level 1 Sector 2' were
written above it. Although, at first glance, I rather noticed the words
'Keep out'. And I must say I didn't really feel at ease when I also noticed
the words 'Trespassers will be shot on sight'. The only reassuring thought
was that I was the only EVA pilot available right now, therefore indispensable,
that is until they did compatibility tests between Ayanami and Unit-02...
or until they found another pilot. I shuddered at the thought, remembering
what had happened to the Fourth Children...
In a swift movement, Ritsuko slid a red card into
a card reader on the left of the door.
Nothing happened. The Doctor seemed obviously surprised.
"It won't work without my pass."
I nearly gasped as suddenly, Misato was behind the
blonde haired scientist, her gun on her back. I never saw her coming. She
had a very serious expression on her face. Somehow, I felt that she might
actually use her weapon if needed to. It scared me. This wasn't my Misato...
I wondered... could I have gone this far myself
to know the truth?
"I see. Did Kaji arrange this?"
For someone who had a gun poking into her back,
the Doctor didn't seemed perturbed at all.
"I want to know the secrets you hide here."
"Very well. I was on my way to show Shinji some
of them. You can come along."
We used what I can only describe as an elevator of
light. No, that's not an accurate description. Rather, a metal platform
that slowly went down some sort of chain of bright red energy beams, entwined
together a bit like a DNA chain. I have no idea how the thing worked, how
we seemed to go down, floating, without cables. The thought of asking Ritsuko
never even came to mind. I just stared at the beam of light, half amazed,
half lost in thoughts. The Doctor and Major were not more talkative.
When we reached the bottom of the "elevator", we
ended up in yet another huge and dark corridor, without apparent end. At
least, there was a few small electric vehicles at our disposal
this time. Without wasting time, Ritsuko motioned us to get on and we went
on our way to... only Ritsuko knew where.
After a few minutes, she stopped in front of twin
metal doors. On their left, there was a panel, with numbers on it. We got
out of the vehicle, then Ritsuko entered a series of numbers, then slid
her card into a card reader on the panel. The doors slid open.
There was no light in the room. It seemed rather
large, but I couldn't really make out the size. I did notice however that
we seemed to be standing on a small platform as there was railing all around
us.
As the metal doors closed, the room became pitch
black. I couldn't see a thing, I couldn't even see Ritsuko and Misato.
I wasn't very comfortable with the idea. Then, lights in the ceiling came
on, briefly blinding me. As I got my sight back, I was shocked to realize
that the room before us was huge. I couldn't even guess how large it was.
But more shocking was what I saw on the ground. Bones. Giant bones. Some
kind of skulls, vertebrae that made a giant spinal column, shoulder blades...
overall, the remains of probably a few dozens giant beings.
"Are these... EVAs?" I asked, still under the shock
of that sight.
"The first experimentations," answered Ristuko coldly.
"Failures. Disposed of 10 years ago."
"A graveyard for EVAs."
"Nothing that sophisticated, Shinji. It's only a
dumping ground."
As I was staring at what might have been Evangelions,
I only heard Ritsuko opening the doors before the light went off. She walked
out and Misato and I simply followed her in silence.
While riding toward our next destination, the Doctor
commented what we had just seen.
"As you could see, Evangelion science is not something
we fully comprehend. A lot of mistakes were made while we learned. Out
of those experimentations, we only managed to make two workable Evangelions.
The rest were failures. And even our two successes were not without problems.
Unit-00, since it was the prototype, never provided the same efficiency
as Unit-02. As for Unit-01... it brought a curse upon what was to become
NERV."
Unit-01? A curse?
After two minutes of driving, the Doctor stopped
in front of a single metal door. Again, she entered a code on a numeric
lock and the door slid open. The lights revealed a room with a table, a number
of pieces of old computer equipment and a lot of wires on the wall
and floor, as well as shattered windows. Beyond the windows seemed to be
a very large room. While this was not the perspective I was used to, it
reminded me of the room in which the EVA compatibility test had been performed,
that is until Unit-00 went berserk, as I tried to synch with it, and trashed
the room.
"This looks like the room where EVAs activation
tests are performed," noted Misato, confirming my thoughts.
"Yes. Which is perfectly natural since that was
the purpose of this place. This is where the earlier activation tests of
the prototype and test type Evangelions were made."
"Unit-00 and Unit-01?" I asked.
"Yes. Do you remember this place Shinji?"
There was a strong sense of deja vu, but...
"No... I... I don't..."
"I'm not surprised. This is the place where your
mother disappeared. You were here when it happened. You saw it all, you
were watching, the moment when she disappeared."
"Ritsuko!" said a shocked Misato.
It was too late however, as the memories began to
arise within me. It was not very clear. I remembered Mother taking me here.
Then she left me with Father. There was also a woman with him. I was looking
through the windows... I saw her wearing something like a plugsuit... entering
something resembling an entry plug... then a man came in the room... Sub-commander
Fuyutsuki? Then... the voice of mother... then... screams... Mother...
Father crying...
Mother never came back after that...
I blacked out.
I woke up hearing the worried voice of Misato. Ritsuko
just leaned against a wall and looked at me impassively.
As I recognized where we were, I almost panicked,
but after a few longs seconds, I calmed down. I remembered now... but I
wished I didn't.
Mother had been killed... in what was apparently
a synch test.
Then, could this mean...? This was the piece of
the puzzle I had been missing, or rather that I hadn't been willing to
face. It explained everything: that warm feeling I always felt inside EVA,
why Unit-01 had always protected me and why Father was so protective of
it.
Mother was inside Unit-01.
The thought didn't make me feel better.
"So, you understand now, Shinji. This is what you've
been running away all of your life, this is what made your father the man
he is today."
"Yes."
"Good. We can move along then."
"Wait! What's going on here?" asked Misato.
I gave her the most reassuring smile I could make
up.
"I'll tell you soon."
This didn't seem to satisfy Misato, but she didn't
insist. I was glad. We followed Ritsuko. Apparently, our next location
was near as we walked this time. In fact, it was just on the other side
of the corridor. Above the metal door, the words 'Artificial Evolutionary
Laboratory' were written. As before, the Doctor had to type a numeric code
to open the door.
I guess that normally my first reaction would have
been one of surprise, but I was a bit out of it from all that I learned
in the previous room. It didn't prevent me from realizing that this place seemed
familiar however.
"This room... it looks just like Rei's room. Before
she came to live in our apartment complex."
"I'm not surprised, since this is the place where
Ayanami Rei was born," said Ritsuko matter of factly.
"Rei was born... in this room?"
"Yes."
Misato seemed impatient to go ahead, apparently
not finding anything of interest in this room, but I barely noticed and
didn't care. I still had questions.
"Is this why Rei was so...?"
I couldn't really find the right words.
"Inept at living? Is this what you're trying to
ask? Perhaps. This is where she spent her first months, before she was
relocated outside of Headquarters. The image of this place was probably
burned deeply into her psyche. Her birth place. The reason she existed.
Her destiny. This is also where she met Him."
Him? The Commander? Father?
What exactly was his role into all this?
"Dr. Akagi, I didn't come to see this," Misato said
finally, tired of waiting.
"Be patient, Major. You'll have the answers you seek
as I give Shinji the information he asked of me. But you're right, there's
nothing left to see here. So we might as well go forward."
We exited the room to walk toward yet another metal
door. Ritsuko looked at me and gave me a serious look.
"This is your last chance to stop Shinji. Once you've
seen what's behind this door, your perception of some things will be changed
forever. You'll know the truth, but be aware that this be of no comfort
and it won't solve your problems. If fact, it may make them worse."
"I understand. But I need to know the truth. For
myself."
"Very well. Don't complain if you can't handle it."
Then, with a swift use of her ID card and after
entering a long series of numbers, the door opened.
The next room... was odd. It was pitch black, and
seemed circular, its size defined by two beams of green light that ran
around the room, that would have made a perfect circle if the door had
not been in the way. In the middle of the room stood a large glass tube,
filled with what looked suspiciously like LCL. On the top of the glass
tube was a metal tube, that went up and connected to an intricate mass
of more metal tubes and wires. Also, unlike the previous rooms visited,
this room didn't seem dead. The sound of machinery at work was unmistakable.
Ritsuko looked at me.
"Shinji, this is what you came to see. Behold, the
core of the dummy plug system."
"This is the core of the dummy plug?" asked Misato,
obviously surprised.
The dummy plug. I suddenly remembered something
that Rei had said about it.
"The data from the system that took over... the
dummy plug system... it... it came from me..."
The dummy plug... Rei...
"Rei was involved with this system, wasn't she?"
"More then you can imagine. I'll show you the truth;
it will speak for itself."
From her lab coat, the scientist removed something
that looked like a remote, and pushed one button. Suddenly, the space between
the two lights on the circular wall was lit in orange light.
I gasped as I realized that the light had this color
because that part of the wall was actually made of glass, and behind that
glass was LCL. But more stunning was the sight of maybe a hundred naked
girls. All the same, exactly the same. A girl I thought I knew well.
Ayanami Rei.
"R... Rei! Those... those are all Rei! So many of
them..."
Then, if I wasn't shocked enough already, all those
girls suddenly opened their eyes and stared at us. They all had that blissful...
happy expression on their faces... it was scary.
"My God!"
"What... what the...!" gasped Misato. "Are you saying
that... that the dummy plug is...?"
"Yes, these are the core of the dummy plug and this
place is the factory where we 'manufacture' them."
"What... what are those...? Are they... Rei?" asked
Misato.
"There are only dummies. And nothing but spare parts
for Rei."
"What... what is Rei?"
It was a question I was starting to wonder about
myself.
"The thing you know as Ayanami Rei is only
a clone. A creation of man like EVA, from a god we found and wanted to
revive in our image, to serve us. That is EVA. Rei, on her part, is a man
made human-angel hybrid. You may have recognized some of her features...
those of Ikari Yui."
Misato gasped. I barely blinked. Somehow... I wasn't
that much surprised. Deep inside, I had always known, instinctively or unconsciously
perhaps. I just never really tried to face the truth. But there were so
many things. Her face... her smile... similar, yet very different. It was
a feeling hard to explain.
Some may have found that revelation disturbing.
I mean, I had fallen in love with a girl partly issued of the genes of
my mother. We had shared a relation that real siblings didn't share.
But whatever Rei's origins... I realized I didn't care.
The only truth that mattered to me was that... Rei was Rei. The rest was...
unimportant.
"You mean... Rei is... Shinji's mom?!"
"No." I said flatly. "Mother is in Unit-01."
Misato gasped again. Ritsuko barely reacted. She
only gave me a slightly curious glance.
"Did you find out while trapped inside Unit-01?"
I nodded.
Misato looked confused. Ritsuko noticed and explained.
"Ikari Yui was lost in the first activation test
of Unit-01. Since then, we have theorized that her soul was trapped inside
of it. Shinji just confirmed it now."
"So... that... that would explain all the times
it went berserk..."
Ritsuko nodded.
"And Rei?"
"Like I said, these are all clones. Spare parts
for Rei's soul and for the dummy plug system. A human creation, like EVA.
These are just... puppets."
"How could you play God like that?"
The Doctor gave a strange smile.
"Ask Ikari."
"She is human." I finally stated. "Or at least was.
More than any of us..."
"Maybe..." admitted Ritsuko. "What makes a human
really? Just look at yourself. You look human. You have human feelings.
Yet, in some ways, you're like her."
"Like her?" asked Misato. "What do you mean?"
"Well... this is top secret, but in truth, Shinji
is just a clone of his former self. You saw it like I did. The LCL that
contained his body while he was trapped into EVA was dumped before we could
get him back. Through unknown means, Shinji's body has been recreated by
Unit-01, then ejected from it's core. While this body is, as far as we
could see, identical to the original and holds your soul, you are now a
child of Unit-01 and only a copy of your former self."
While Misato gasped, I just listened. Somehow, I
knew that Ritsuko was speaking the truth. And I think I had reached a point
where I simply didn't care about anything anymore. Too many truths to try
to accept. So, I wasn't completely myself? Big deal...
Besides, if Rei accepted who she was...
But did she ever truly accept it? She never told
me about any of this...
I couldn't really blame her. Would I have believed
any of this?
"Why...? Why doesn't she remember me?" I asked,
this being really the only question I wanted answered.
"If she had kept her memories of you, she couldn't
have been used for whatever plan Ikari has for her. So the Commander asked
me to take care of this little detail. I'm sorry Shinji."
That, however, caused some reaction from me, my
anger suddenly rising.
"Sorry?! You think that's enough?! She died, and
then you brought her back to life to kill her again! You erased her memories!
And you're only sorry?!"
"You're right, all this is wrong. That puppet shouldn't
have been allowed to come back in the first place. It would have been better
for everyone. So I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."
Ritsuko pushed another button on the remote she
held. There was a little beep, then suddenly I heard high pitched noises
from all around the room. The clones... they seemed to be in pain. Then,
they seemed to melt in a very bloody scene. The orange LCL became redder.
I almost got sick looking at that, but I couldn't look away, I was frozen
by the horror that was taking place right in front of me. Those things,
whatever they were... were all dying.
"What are you doing?" demanded Misato, despite the
very obvious answer. She pulled her gun and pointed it at her friend.
"I'm destroying them! I'm getting rid of those human
shaped things... putting an end to the pain. I lost against that thing.
No... I could never win. She never left his mind..."
What she talking about... my father? Was it why
she had... done this?
The Doctor fell on her knees, in tears. I looked
at her, not believing what I was seeing. Ritsuko... crying... and... because
of my father? Did she... could she... have feelings... for him?
"I'm stupid, as stupid as my mother was. So foolish...
You can kill me, if you want. I'd welcome death."
The Major lowered her weapon. She looked sorry for
Ritsuko.
"You are truly stupid if you wish that."
While Misato had been expecting a group of armed men, only
Commander Ikari and Sub-commander Fuyutsuki came. As he looked at me for some
long seconds, I barely resisted the urge to jump at the Commander. This would
have been a very convenient way to let some anger out, but it might have put us
in more trouble than we already were. Well, rather, in more trouble than Misato
was already in. As I was for now the most reliable EVA pilot available, as well
as the only one who could pilot Unit-01, it was unlikely that they would do
anything to me... for the time being anyway.
At least, I got some satisfaction from the look on the
Commanders face. As he looked at the LCL tanks that now held the molten remains
of what had previously been Rei clones, shock clearly showed on his face. This
was however replaced quickly by anger. A red burning anger. As he turned his
gaze toward Ritsuko, she seemed to shrink unto herself. He reverted however to
the cold Ikari Gendo known by everyone as he looked at me. Maybe it was because
I was glaring at him the same way he had just glared at Ritsuko. If this caused
any emotion within him, he hid it well. Finally, he looked at Misato.
"Major. Escort Dr. Akagi to Security. She will be
detained there until further notice."
"Yes sir."
While Misato was obviously making efforts of her own to
stay calm, there was still some venom in her voice.
It was then Fuyutsuki's turn to look at the Major and me.
"Forget whatever you think you saw tonight... or you
may join Dr. Akagi."
While the old man had said this threat very seriously,
he obviously didn't seem very happy about this whole situation. Actually, he
gave me the impression of someone who was very tired, probably tired about all
the lies and all the pain caused by EVA.
I stayed silent as Misato acknowledged this new order. But I
knew very well that she wouldn't follow it.
When I finally reached home, I felt totally drained.
My mind was feeling numb from all those sudden revelations. Mother had
died in a synch accident and now existed within EVA. Rei was partially
a clone of my mother, she was the dummy plug and she was simply replaced
by another Ayanami when she died. Her memory had been erased and now Ritsuko
had destroyed all other Ayanami clones.
Oh, and I was a clone too...
I really felt tired.
The recent events had been so tiring that the death
of Rei suddenly seemed like something that had happened long ago. That
reality would probably hit me soon enough...
Everything was black in the apartment. Since it
was late, I guessed Asuka was asleep. Fine with me, I only wanted one thing,
go to bed, fall asleep and stop thinking for a few hours.
As I turned on the light in my room after closing the
door, I froze. On my bed, I noticed an envelop as well as Asuka's interface
headsets. Fear almost overcame me. Yet, with unsteady hands, I managed
to open the envelop. Unlike Rei's, Asuka's handwriting was sloppy and almost
devoid of kanji. But I really didn't care.
|
Shinji, I lost to a girl I both hate and love, my friend and my rival. No... I didn't lose. I understand now that I never had any chance to begin with. That look on your face when Misato told you that Rei was alive... I know you'll never have that same look for me. I'm leaving. I've lost any reason to stay here. I can't pilot EVA. I can't hope for you to ever love me as I love you. Don't worry. I'll never bother you again. Ever. I apologize for the way I treated you. I shouldn't have. But I was scared. Scared of my feelings for you. I know now that I had a good reason to be. But it's too late. Too late for everything. I'm not sure I care anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. Tell Rei I'll miss her. but I couldn't stand to see her either. Goodbye Shinji.
Asuka |
That was more than I could take. Pain and sorrow... it all came back full strength, as I felt my heart ripped apart for a second time in a matter of a few days. I collapsed in tears. Once more... everyone in my life had left me behind...
They were gone...
They had left me...
All those I loved... left me...
Alone...
From a nearby hill, the girl looked at what was left
of Tokyo-3. A few rare buildings, but mostly a giant lake. Again, the Lilims
had successfully defended themselves, but at such a cost. The blue Evangelion
was no more. Now, only the boy was left. She would be with him soon. The
men of SEELE had seen to that. Such arrogant fools... they didn't understand
anything.
Zeruel had cost the Lilims their body, their least
important possession. A trivial thing, it had been easily lost and easily
recovered. More serious had been Arael, which had taken from them their spirit,
till only shattered pieces remained. To triumph over Armisael demanded that the
Lilims surrender their life.
Yet all was still not yet decided. She knew the final
test was approaching, and what was required of her. Thus far the Lilims had
been undefeated and undaunted. But salvation for them would require that this
time, they finally hold nothing back. She wondered if they would be willing
to make the sacrifice required..
Their soul.
Slowly within her, she could feel the urge, which
had gotten stronger and stronger within the last days. The time had almost
come.
"Just a few more days. A few more days. I want to
know this boy... Ikari Shinji..."
[To be continued...]
Next time:
Chapter 11 - What is love?
The Fifth Child appears
The 17th Angel attacks
A new friend, a new enemy, a choice between life and death
Omake (by Godsend777)
- Scene 1 -
"You mean... you and Hotaru..." I asked, not sure
if I wanted to know the answer.
Okay, I did want to know. But that look on her face...
"Do not worry, Shin-chan. The only person we think
of is you."
I'm not sure if I should have felt relieved or what,
but I-
Wait.
We?
"We?" I asked.
She blushed heavily at the question, but answered
nonetheless.
"Well... there's me, Asuka, Hotaru, Hikari..."
And the list kept going. It seemed all the females
in my class and half the commanding NERV staff got together on Fridays
for 'Third Children Appreciation Day.'
Who knew?
- Scene 2 -
"Was it... your first time with another girl?" I
asked. What a foolish question. Of course Rei would never-
"No." Came the monotone reply.
What!? She... and another woman... before Hotaru?
"Was it Asuka?"
"No."
"Misato?"
"No."
"H-Hikari?"
"Afraid not, Shin-chan."
"Oh my."
A half-hour later, I finally guessed who it was.
"Ah... Maya was so romantic that night..." Rei said
dreamily.
Click here to reach the Author's notes