-The reason I survive - JC/AD
TIMELINE: Post season 6.
FEEDBACK: I'd love to get feedback. Criticism, advice, praiseg … This is my first real ER fic, so, I'd love to know what you think. So…please review! J
DISCLAIMER: As much as I'd like to, I don't own any of the mentioned characters. They are the property of Michael Crichton, John Wells, Jack Orman, Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment, NBC… and pretty much everyone besides me. =( Song used is 'In Your Life' by Day One and I don't own it either.
PART 4
'I...I know this place, John...'
John had to sit down. Since no chair was around, he made a few steps over to the bed on let himself fall on top of the crumbled covers.
'Y-you...you what? How??'
Seeing how utterly shocked she had made him, Anna soon regretted bringing up the subject at this time.
'Well, you remember how I mentioned issues? Well uh... people whose lives are all perfectly perfect don't end up here in rehab, do they?' she said fiddling with her moist hands.
'Jesus Christ!...'
John was wowed. What could have brought Anna so far down she would abuse drugs?? He was dying to know, but this moment wasn't exactly the best to discuss the topic; he had to be downstairs in twenty minutes.
'Yep' she uttered, looking down at her feet.
'Ok, look, I have to do quickly, my session starts in no time, but we'll talk when I get back, alright?'
'Okay...' agreed Anna quietly.
Carter headed into the shower, and Anna sat by the window, watching the rain fall. Normally, they would've have spoken all the while John was in the bathroom. They would've have joked at John's singing, or she would have got annoyed at how long he used the bathroom for. But instead, they both kept silent.
Damn weather, thought Anna. This is July, for God's sake! It's supposed to be beautiful; this isn't Seattle!
But maybe it wasn't the weather that made her so bitter, maybe it wasn't the city it was raining on. Maybe simply, the sky was raining all the tears she was afraid to cry. And she didn't *want* to have any tears to cry. After all, she had no reason to. She'd just been reunited with her long lost best friend, what was to be sad about? She suddenly snapped out of her own thoughts. Who was she fooling, trying to be a stronger person than she actually was? Not John, surely. So where was the use in that masquerade? She couldn't hide from herself that she was weak for much longer. What was really making her so sad was that even though Carter was in the next room, it still felt like they were lightyears apart. And even though she could tell him whatever went through her head, it didn't feel like it once used to. Even though she loved being around him, she would not allow her skin to feel warm under his touch. But the saddest was that she herself didn't even know why. Maybe she was having one of those depressions again... It sure felt like it, and she was kicking herself for it. She was determined to not let any states of mind get in the way of Carter and her.
Anna heard the water stop running and, once again, snapped out of her thoughts. A few minutes later, John came out of the bathroom, looking as gorgeous as ever, his messy hair still wet. Just the sight of him made Anna feel slightly better, although still not quite as good as she wished she would. Ah, well, she'd probably feel better after they talk things over.
'Alright,' John spoke while tying his shoes 'I gotta go now, there's towels beside the sink if-' he looked up at Anna and immediately sensed something was wrong. So he asked, concerned. 'Hey...what's wrong?'
'Oh nothing,' lied Anna 'You know, little this, little that... I'll be fine!'
'Are you sure?'
'Yeah, yeah, now go, you're gonna be late'
Maybe she seemed too rushed, because he saw right through her.
'You're not feeling so well, are you?'
Or maybe he just read her like a book. It's funny how well people can get to know you and you don't even realize it.
'I can't fool you' she admitted. 'I guess I'll just feel better when I've taken off my chest some stuff I... need to talk about.'
'Okay, well, don't mope around too much while I'm gone, I'll be back around 10.30 and we'll talk then'
'Okay, see you later'
She expected him to get out but he kept staring at her and didn't move until she managed a small smile.
'I'll be okay, Carter!'
'Good' he smiled back. 'Bye then'
He exited the room and Anna kept that feeble smile on her face for a while. John was so cute, always looking after her, making sure she'd be alright. Still the same old John Truman Carter, III. He'd always been able to put a smile on her face, anytime, anyplace. And that day she was delighted to see he still had that ability on her. Feeling a little better, she decided to take a nap as the night had been long and she hadn't slept much. She lay on the bed and took a look at the window one last time before closing her eyes. The rain had stopped and the sun was shining again, drawing a beautiful rainbow across a lightly clouded sky.
--
give me a smile
things aren't that bad, are they
gonna take a while
but we can get this right some way
--
Downstairs in the conference room, John was trying to concentrate on his surroundings and the speeches the others produced, but all he could think of was Anna and how surprised he'd been the previous night when Ronnie handed him his phone saying she would call back, how dumbfounded and glad he'd been upon seeing her at his door, how... Just how lucky he was that she would be there for him through these three last weeks he had to spend at the center. He'd been doing quite well, lately, but the minute he heard Anna's name in Ronnie mouth, he was afraid things would turn bad; the last thing he needed was a play with his emotions. Well, so much for his worries, she was there now.
'John, it's your turn, pal' A slightly overweight man in his forties stepped off the front platform.
But John wasn't paying much attention.
'Hey, John!' He felt a hand on his shoulder 'it's your turn to go up there.'
'Oh right, thanks.' He stood up and made his way to the rostrum. Seeing as he hadn't listened to one word his therapy-mates had spoken, he had no idea what to talk them about. So, when he found himself standing against thirty-eight eyes and a microphone, he spoke the words as they popped up in his head.
'Hi...' He cleared his throat 'Uh... I can't really tell you guys I've paid much attention to what any of you said, 'cause, well, the fact is I haven't. Sorry.' So far so good, he thought. So what next?
'And the reason to that, is because I've been thinking about something else – someone, actually. She's been working with me for a year, back in Chicago, and, during that time, we've become very close and she was very dear to me. Whatever I did, my thoughts were always with her. I cared about her more than friends do, more than brothers do. I cared about her more than I cared about myself. And maybe I loved her. But when I tried to find out, what I actually found was that she didn't love me. At least not the way I hoped she would. Turns out she had a boyfriend in Philadelphia she'd not really come to terms with and needed to sort out her feelings for...'
He wasn't sure why he was telling all those strangers something so personal, but decided to go on anyway.
'Yeah, that guy Max... and one day he showed up and, well, they "sorted things out" – she went back to him. I was... I was devastated. But I kept it in, lived in denial and, well... a whole lot of shit ensued...'
He paused.
'Recently I considered the possibility that she might be *the* reason, you know, the – the point in my life all my troubles originated from... Or maybe I just cared too much, too fast...'
He still didn't know why he kept on telling them that story. Perhaps there were things he was afraid of admitting to himself that he could admit to them.
-
She stretched her arms and slowly opened her brown eyes. Oh, no. There it was again. Yep, definitely a depression. Boy, did she hate those! Little nothings could make her cry when she was depressed, and she hated to. But so it was. She'd gotten pretty used to it by now, with those times she felt glued to rock bottom striking every so often, but it always felt as bad and kept getting worse every time... Dammit, those weren't supposed to happen anymore! She had what she wanted, she was with John, for Heaven's sake!
Well, as much as she wanted to, she couldn't stay in bed forever. She got up and headed for a shower, but not without glancing at the weather. Gosh, it *had* become a habit! The sun was still there. Even the clouds had lifted to let her see a bright blue sky. But down on earth the paths and lawns were still wet from the night's rain...
-
'Yesterday, the most unexpected, amazing thing happened to me. She came here to see me. And more surprisingly, while I thought I wouldn't want to hear from, speak to, or... or see her ever again, while I thought I'd be bitter and, well, basically hold a grudge against her for walking out on me the way she did, surprise and sheer happiness took over. It - you know... it was an amazing feeling, overwhelming. In a split second I realized just how much I'd missed her, how much – how much I'd longed for that moment when I saw her again for the first time in two years, and just... how much none of the pain she caused mattered anymore. What mattered – matters, is that she's here now, and she needs me and I need her and I know we'll be there for each other. It's not even a decision I had to make, it's instinct. *She* comes first, then me... I know this sounds crazy, but – while she may be the reason I am standing here today, she is going to be a big factor in whether I'll be going home in three weeks, and... I know I will.'
The others applauded and he called some other guy to the platform. He went back to his chair and pondered over all those things he just said. He meant every single word, but was still amazed at what he just told the whole room. He didn't really know what his feelings were until he spoke them, and they rang *so* true. He couldn't wait till the session was over. Three other people spoke and he didn't listen to them more than their predecessors. The session finally ended and John strode toward the elevator faster than per usual, as he was eager to see Anna.
-
He found her sitting by the window again. She hadn't heard him come in.
'You know, there's only so much that will keep you entertained'
'You're back!' She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve and looked at him. 'So how was it?'
'You cried! What happened?' He asked seeing her bloodshot eyes.
'Nothing, I...' He gave her a look that said he knew. She got up and sighed in defeat 'I think I may be having another depression, I...I can't help it, I just cry for no apparent reason, I...' She spoke faster and felt more tears coming to her eyes. John walked up to her
'Shhh' He was so sorry and didn't know what to say. He wished he'd been in a more stable place so he could help her, but for the time being, all he could do was walk up to her and hug her tight, stroking her hair. 'Shhh – it's gonna be alright, shhh'.
She sobbed quietly on his shoulder and he rubbed her back as if to heal the pain inside. And then he slowly made his way to her ribs and started tickling them through her shirt. She stopped sobbing to let out a chuckle. 'No!' But he kept on. 'Carter, stop it!' she laughed again. 'Cut it out!' she managed in between laughs. But he played deaf and went on, till she pulled him onto the bed and started tickling him too. And there they were, like two young kids, laughing like crazy in the middle of the morning.
--
give me a smile
things aren't too bad, are they?
gonna take a while
but we can get this right some way
so dry your eyes and
wipe those tears away
cause baby you're mine and
that's the way it's gonna stay
i'm in your life
i'm in your life
i'm in your life
i'm in your life...
--
They paused for a moment, out of breath, and lay on their backs staring at the ceiling. They remained in silence for a moment, before Anna looked at him and asked hesitantly 'We're gonna be alright…right?'
John turned his head to face her and spoke reassuringly. 'We're gonna be alright.' Then he just smiled his beautiful smile that showed just how much he believed in his words. And that's all Anna needed to know. He took her hand in his as if to reinforce his genuineness. 'I promise'.
'Thankyou' she held on tighter to his hand and kept hold of it for a long time, finally feeling safe again. Like her life had found a new meaning…
--
you could try and get out of here
until you forgot
but baby I'll still be here
and whether you like it or not
i'm in your life
i'm in your life
i'm in your life
i'm in your life...
--
Okay now, I've written a conclusion to this story, but if you like this can very well be considered an end to the story.
So… THE END (or not! J )