The Salmoneus Show
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Scene: Amphitheatre
Xena is sitting on a chair in the middle of the stage. Salmoneus is standing beside her.
SALMONEUS: So Xena, why don't you tell everyone why you're here.
XENA: Well, I've been seeing this man for quite some time on and off. We're currently on. But I've been seeing someone else on this side. His best friend. I've brought him here today to tell him about it.
SALMONEUS: Thank you Xena. If you'd like to go back stage now and we'll bring out the first of your men.
(Xena walks off and Hercules walks on, the women in the audience go wild)
SAL: Welcome Hercules. Ladies and Gentlemen, Hercules son of Zeus.
(The crowd goes wild!)
SAL: So, Hercules, do you have any idea who brought you here?
HERCULES: No, and as long as it's not Hera or Ares I guess everything's OK.
SAL: That's what we like to hear. So Hercules, are you seeing anyone at the moment?
HERC: (Blushing) Well, actually yes, she's great. Strong, beautiful, talented and brave.
SAL: Sounds like quite a woman. And here she is!
(Xena walks on to boos and hisses. She kisses Hercules and sits down next to him.)
SAL: Hercules, Xena had brought you here to tell you something. Xena….
XENA: Herc, I've been seeing someone else.
HERC: What!!!!!! Xena how could you do this to me!
XENA: I'm sorry Hercules but he's way better in bed than you are.
(The audience goes wild again. People start throwing rotten pomegranates. Hercules looks really angry.)
HERC: So, do I get to meet this stud?
SAL: Come on out Iolaus.
(Hercules gapes. Iolaus walks on stage.)
IOLAUS: (Walks straight to Hercules) I'm so sorry. I thought you'd broken up.
HERC: And did you stop when you found out we hadn't?
IOL: No.
(The 2 start fighting. Xena joins in. Half an hour later they're all sitting down again in an uneasy truce.)
HERC: Iolaus, what about Gabrielle, I thought the 2 of you were an item?
IOL: We are.
XENA: That's another reason why I wanted you both here today. You're not the only ones in my life.
SAL: Come on out Gabrielle.
(Gabrielle walks on and goes straight to Xena. The two spend at least five minutes in a passionate clinch.)
IOL: What……….?
HERC: I don't believe………..
SAL: So, Xena, would you like to tell us why you and Gabrielle are together?
XENA: We were talking around the fire one evening and I let slip I was bedding both Hercules and Iolaus.
SAL: How did you feel that she was bedding your man?
GAB: Well, I was furious and we fought. In the middle of the fighting we found ourselves in a …. compromising position, shall we say? Anyway, the next thing we knew we were telling each other how unfulfilled the guys left us.
XENA: Things just progressed from there.
SAL: But that's not all is it? Come on out Autolocus.
AUTO: Why am I here. I'm not in a relationship with any of these people. Joxer and I are very happy thank you very much.
GAB: Remember when Xena was n your body?
AUTO: As if I could forget! It took me weeks to get my swagger back! What does that have to do with anything…….?
GAB: Well, Xena and I were already together then. We used your body one night while you were asleep. I'm pregnant!
(Autolocus faints)
XENA: And so am I!
GAB: (shocked) How? When?
XENA: When Callisto was in my body, she and Ares……
HERC: My gods, you're having my half brother's baby!
XENA: Yes.
(Lightning flashes and Ares appears)
ARES: What! Were you ever going to tell me?
XENA: No.
ARES: You mortal bitch!
HERC and IOL: Hey!
(A fight breaks out between the three men. Autolocus wakes up and sneaks out)
SAL: People please. Mind the set! That's genuine imitation titan made fire!
(King Iphicles walks onto the set surrounded by his royal guards)
IPH: Iolaus come with me now.
HERC: What! You can't arrest him Iph, he's my best friend.
IPH: No that's not it. He's my lover and it's way too dangerous for him here. I'm taking him out to the palace.
HERC: Iolaus! You and Iphicles! I didn't know you liked men like that!
IOL: Well, I do. Do you have a problem with that?
HERC: Damn right I do! Why him and not me?
IOL: Herc?!
(Hercules grabs Iolaus and kisses him. The two of them run off back stage to finish what they've started. The audience cheers)
GAB: Looks like a good idea to me.
XENA: Me too.
(Xena and Gabrielle go back stage too.)
SAL: Well, there we go folks, another fine afternoon on Salmoneus Springer!
ARES: What about me! My baby! My warrior Princess!
IPH: What about my Iolaus. Why does everyone prefer my half brother to me?
ARES: I don't. I hate that little bastard! (Looks Iphicles over) Has anyone ever told you that you're very good looking for a mortal!
IPH: Not really. (looks Ares up and down) So, is that leather painted on?
(The two amazingly similar looking men walk off back stage together.
A few minutes later…. Hercules, Iolaus, Xena, Gabrielle, Iphicles and Ares are all sitting calmly on stage and with dishevelled clothes. A stagehand walks round holding a scroll saying Salmoneus' final though.)
SAL: And now for my final thought…….. Heroes sleeping around makes for great entertainment and many dinars admission!