"Many men on the point of an edifying death would be furious if they were to be suddenly restored to health."

Cesare Pavese (1908-1950) Italian novelist


Chapter 2--Nightmare's Persist

Zell woke in his bed. He looked over at the clock. (7:37......) he thought. He looked down at the middle drawer longingly. He wanted so bad to go back to sleep and lose himself. He had no desire to face the world this day. Or Squall, for that matter. If he saw him, he would start asking questions; questions that Zell wouldn't give any answers to. And then Squall would either tell everyone or keep it to himself. Keeping it to himself was the most likely of the two.

Even so, nothing would come of it, either way. He would be gone before this day was over, so it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He only had to get up and face the world one last day, and then it would be over.

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Squall walked into the cafeteria, scanning the room for Zell. He worked his way across the room looking around. Zell never missed breakfast. He finally spotted him in the back corner of the room, sitting alone at a small square table. He'd already eaten and was sitting there doing nothing except looking at the tabletop.

Squall walked over to him and pulled up a chair. Zell either didn't notice or didn't care, because he said nothing. Squall sat there for a minute, waiting for him to say something. He glanced up.

"Yeah, what is it?" he said plainly, with no kind of emotion in his voice.

"Just wanna talk to you for a few minutes," Squall answered. They looked at each other and Zell turned his face away.

"Talk? You? That's a first," he replied bitterly.

He drummed his fingers on the table while he looked at the floor. Squall watched his hands. He could see fresh bandages sticking out from underneath his gloves. Zell noticed Squall glancing at his hands and he quickly moved them under the table out of sight.

"So? What is it?" Zell asked, beginning to become impatient. He looked up at Squall once again, a neutral look on his face.

"About last night," Squall said. He watched Zell carefully: the way he acted, the way he spoke. There was something wrong, Squall knew that much. "What's wrong?"

"I don't wanna talk about last night," he replied flatly. "You said it yourself. I just had a nightmare. Nothing to talk about."

"I didn't mean it that *way*, Zell. I think there is something to talk about," Squall said.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Zell answered, his attitude becoming hostile. He started to get up to leave, but Squall stopped him.

"Zell, wait. Stay for just a minute and then you can leave," Squall said, grabbing his shirt sleeve. Zell turned around and looked at him.

"I can leave right now. I don't have to have your permission," Zell stated, turning to leave once again. He pushed his chair up and began to walk away. Squall got up and followed him out of the cafeteria. Zell walked quickly down the hallway.

"Zell, *stop*." Squall caught up with him and snatched him violently by the wrist before he could get any further away.

Zell cried out in pain and Squall released his wrist abruptly. Zell took his wrist and held it to him, gasping. "God......."

"Zell, I-"

"Just don't, Squall. You wanna help me? Then just leave me alone," he gasped, cradling his right wrist. He then continued down the hall. Squall followed, once again.

"Zell, listen....I'm just asking you to listen to me for a few minutes. You're hiding something and I want to know what it is," Squall explained. Zell walked onward toward the dorms. "What's wrong with you?"

".............It's none of your business," he replied quietly as they reached his room.

"That's what I told myself. But I can't help it, Zell, you've got me worried. There, I said it. I don't know of any other way to say it. I just want to talk. Please."

Zell inserted the key into the doorknob and turned it. "Look, I said 'no', alright? I don't want to talk about it. Not now, not ever. No." His wrist throbbed from Squall's grabbing it. But his wrists had felt so good the night before. It had made him forget about everything. He had to hurry and make Squall leave so he could clean up the blood stains by his bed. It had dripped everywhere. He started to enter his room.

"Zell........I know about your wrists."

Zell froze in his tracks.

"So, I'm right? You did that? *Why*?" Squall asked.

".........It's none of your business, Squall. Stay out." With that, he went in and shut the door. Squall put his hand on the doorframe.

"Zell....open the door. I just want to talk," Squall said.

Inside, Zell sat on his bed against the wall, with his knees to his chest tightly. He shut his eyes, rocking himself back and forth. He breathed shakily, putting his head down on his knees. He shuddered. He couldn't think. He was more scared than he had ever been in his entire life. Squall was at his door, asking what was wrong. He didn't know what to do.

"Zell, open the door," he heard Squall say. Zell shook his head, gritting his teeth.

"Go away!!!" he cried. "Please, just leave me *alone*......" he whispered.
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Squall didn't see Zell again for the rest of the day. He hadn't been in class or come to lunch. He couldn't stop thinking about the marks he saw on his wrists and the way he reacted when he asked about them. He didn't even think about the bandages when he grabbed him. He was right. Zell had been slitting his wrists.

He walked to the training center by himself, hoping to find Zell there. Squall had to talk to him.

He entered the training center and took the right path. He walked around, searching for Zell. Suddenly, a Grat jumped out of the bushes and hit him with it's tentacles. Squall stepped back, and drew his gunblade. With one swipe, the Grat fell. The Grats were a challenge when he was younger, but now they were just annoying.

He continued down the path, looking around. He spotted Zell in a nearby tree. He was high up in the branches, looking down from a thick limb. He looked straight at Squall and without a sound, he stepped off into the air.

Squall's heart skipped a beat.

Zell plummeted down to the ground, his body and head striking almost every branch and limb possible on the way down the tree. He screamed as the sharp twigs scraped across his face. There was a sickening crunch as his chest slammed against a thick limb.

Squall sprinted to the base of the tree to break his fall, his arms outstretched. At the last moment, he caught him. Squall collapsed to the ground, Zell's limp body in his arms. He sat up on his knees and pulled Zell tightly to him. His head rolled over to one side and Squall placed his hand underneath to support it. He lifted his head up to lie it on his shoulder. His face was calm: strangely, disturbingly calm. No expression of any kind lie on his face and that frightened Squall. Zell was always smiling, laughing, glaring at someone; he was never calm. Squall gently placed his hand over the tattoo on the side of his face.

"Zell....?" he said anxiously, shaking him. This was one of the few times in Squall's life that he had ever been truly frightened. Blood ran down Zell's cheek from a cut on the top of his head. It ran down inbetween Squall's fingers, filling the spaces in between so much that it overflowed onto the back of his gloved hand. "Zell....?!" Squall said. He breathed hoarsely, the air rasping terribly in his throat. He shivered, as if he was cold. He started to cough and Squall turned him over, face down. He coughed up blood violently and then moved no more. Squall turned him back over and looked at him. Squall placed his hand over the wound on Zell's head while he held him up. "Curaga."

A faint green light surrounded Zell and disappeared as the bleeding obediently came to an end. Squall once again called his name.

His eyes fluttered open very slightly. He moaned and started to cough again. Blood ran down the corner of his mouth. Squall turned him over once more and held him tightly. He coughed up bright red blood into a small puddle on the ground. He breathed hard, trying to catch his breath. Squall turned him back over and put his hand over the tattoo, holding his head up. Cure spells weren't going to do anything more.

"Zell...why? Why did you do this?" he asked. Zell looked up at him. He tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. His eyes rolled back into his head as it fell over onto Squall's shoulder and his face calmed.

Squall lifted him up into his arms and ran back the way he had come. He ran out of the training center as fast as he could, carrying Zell. He ignored the countless Grats that leaped out of the bushes at him. He either went around them or through them, shielding Zell from their tentacles, trying to get out as quickly as he could. He ran through the large metal door that separated the center and the entrance. Proceeding down the entrance hall, a small group of students walked toward him. He didn't slow down for them.

"Get outta my way!!!!! Get the hell outta my way!!!!!" he bellowed. The students quickly parted to let him pass. One of the females started to follow him.

"Squall, wait!!" Nida yelled after him. However, she knew he would do no such thing. Squall knew his priorities, and right then, Zell was on the top of his list. She ran after him, leaving the other students to watch in the middle of the hallway. She tried to catch up with him, but even with Zell's weight slowing him, he was still faster than her. She ran down the main hall after him as fast as she could run.

Squall ran down the entrance hall to the infirmary and yet another band of students obstructed his path.

"Move!!!!" They, too, parted so he could pass. He tightened his grip on Zell and plowed through the metal door, even as it began to hiss open.

Dr. Kadowaki was sitting at her computer when Squall burst into the room. He stared at her, breathing hard. There was a look of desperation on his face she had never seen on him before, and it frightened her.

She quickly rose from her desk. "Squall, what-- What happened?!!" she exclaimed, rounding her desk and opening the door to the small emergency room. Squall took him in and lay him on the metal table in the middle of the room. He couldn't speak. Dr. Kadowaki saw this and was frightened further. Squall was never one to panic. If anyone panicked about anything, it wasn't Squall Leonhart.

Squall's rush of adrenaline was gone. What was left was pure fear for Zell, who lie motionless on the table.

"Tell me what happened later. Go call for Nida on the--"

Nida burst into the room.

"Squall, go wait outside please," Dr. Kadowaki said as she guided him out the door. He looked back at Zell as the door shut behind him and was locked from the inside.

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The table was cold. He could hear someone standing over him, telling him he could make it. He could feel them cut his shirt off of his torso.

Zell opened his eyes slightly. Hands were placed on the side of his head keep him still. The lights were so bright. They hurt his eyes. There was a flash of light and he was no longer on the cold metal table. He was in the orphanage. The seven year old watched from the corner as a blond woman filled out papers at a desk. A man sat beside her, telling her what to write down.

When they finished, he walked out with the couple to their car. He got in the back seat and sat next to a red headed boy.

"Great, another brat little foster brother," the boy complained. He slapped Zell in the back of the head.

Another flash of light and it was weeks later. He was on the stairs, listening to his foster parents talk.

"We have to take him back. We can't afford to keep him anymore. He's more trouble than he's worth," the blond woman said.

"We'll take him back in the morning," the man said.

Zell stood up and walked into the bathroom. He picked up a razor blade and held it to his wrist. He had seen it done in so many movies. It was so easy. He slid the blade across his veins, spilling bright red blood down his arm. It just stung for a few seconds, then bit into his wrist horribly. He grasped it with his other hand and went into the hallway. The blood dripped onto the tan carpet as he went down the stairs.

The blond woman jumped up from her seat. "He's getting blood on my new carpet! John, get him!"

He stood as well and picked Zell up off the floor.

There was another flash, and then darkness.
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Rinoa sat next to Squall in the waiting room. She watched as Squall sat there by her, staring at the floor. She leaned against him, but recieved no recognition that she was even there.

Squall was in shock. Zell had tried to commit suicide in front of his eyes. Squall had never been disturbed so deeply. He didn't feel anything. His body was numb, void of any kind of feeling. He realized that nothing he could have done would have prepared him for that moment in the training center when Zell had tried to take his own life. No amount of emotional self-training could have prepared him for that.

Irvine paced around the room wildly, unable to keep still. Zell had been a pain sometimes, but now that he had tried to kill himself, he couldn't stand it. Zell had made a comment about no one having to put up with him for much longer a few days before, but Irvine hadn't taken it seriously. And he hated himself for it. If he had known this would happen, he would have said something. Anything, to keep him from this.

Quistis sat calmly in the corner of the room near Rinoa and Squall. Inside, she was wild with fear. She had always worried about Zell. But to do something like this..... She didn't know what to feel.

Selphie was in Trabia, helping rebuild. Irvine sent a messenger after he was called to the infirmary about Zell. The letter didn't say what had happened, only that he was hurt and that she needed to come home. The letter would hopefully reach her soon, within a day.

Rinoa wrapped her arms around Squall firmly and closed her eyes. He didn't move, but continued to stare at the floor. Rinoa got down in the floor in front of him and put her hands on his knees. She looked up and into his hazel eyes.

"Squall.....?"

He could only stare at her. His chest hurt. An iron hand was squeezing his heart, his breathing labored. He sat motionless, looking at Rinoa as his face got colder. He started to quiver.

"You've got the shakes," she said, alarmed. "You need to lie down."

Pain skewered his chest and he involuntarily placed a hand there. Rinoa tried to help him up, but he was too weak. His hands were going numb, his fingers cramping. He leaned forward more, breaking out into a profuse cold sweat. Irvine pulled him up out of the chair and over to a small couch where he lay down. Squall shut his eyes, breathing rapid, shallow breaths.

Rinoa panicked.

He could vaguely hear her calling for a medic over the speaker system that ran throughout Garden. He tried to tell her that he was alright, that he needed a paper bag, but he couldn't talk. He knew what was happening, but he couldn't tell her. She wiped his face with a cool, wet cloth. He knew what was going to happen, but he was too exhausted to fight it. He shut his eyes as pain stabbed his chest again.

"Squall...?" Rinoa said. Terrified, she dabbed his face again.

He opened his eyes for her, trying to tell her what was happening, but nothing would come. He felt like he was falling far and fast. Then nothing.

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By the time the next half hour was over, Squall was resting in a small bed in the infirmary.

Irvine, Quistis and Rinoa were in the room with him, by his bed. He sat up.

"Any word on Zell? Is he okay?" he asked.

"Don't think about that now," Rinoa ordered. "You need to rest and be quiet."

"They've already given me something to be quiet. I am being quiet."

"You're a wreck."

"I'm not a wreck, Rinoa," he said, becoming irritated.

"You almost had a heart attack!"

"I had muscle spasms and hyperventilated. I know exactly what I had. I had nothing that a paper bag and a hot bath wouldn't have taken care of."

"Well," Quistis said," they aren't going to let you out until they're sure you won't have anymore spasms."

"You don't fool around with chest pain, Squall," Irvine said.

"My heart is fine. They'll let me out when I say so."

"You're noncompliant," Quistis sighed.

"Most good soldiers are."

Dr. Kadowaki stepped into the room, carrying a medical chart. "How are you feeling, Squall?"

"I'm not worried about me," he answered, getting up. "How's Zell doing?"

"We found....several different drugs in his system. Valium, morphine, muscle relaxants......we were fortunate enough to get the muscle relaxants and valium pills out of his stomach before he could digest them. I don't know how he could have gotten them, unless he gets them from outside of Garden. Does he ever ask to leave when you're on missions, Squall? I mean to go somewhere or meet someone?"

"Yeah....He does it every time we're in Timber. He says he has to go meet someone at the pub. He always has plenty of money before he goes, that I know. I asked him how much money he had one time, and he told me he had twenty Gil. He had more than that, though. I watched him take it out and count it. He couldn't have had less than fifty," Squall answered.

"From the marks on his wrists, he's attempted suicide several times before. If he wasn't serious before, he was extremely serious tonight. He figured if the fall didn't kill him, the drugs would. Why would he do this? Do any of you have any idea why?" Dr. Kadowaki asked them.

Squall looked at the floor. "No. I don't know why. I found him on the terrace last night, asleep. There were scars on his wrists, like he'd been slitting them for a long time."

"Yes. He has several fresh cuts on his wrists now. Those scars you saw are at least a few years old. Some of them older than that," she explained.

"He had a nightmare about us. He was trying to save us from something, but he couldn't. I tried to talk to him about it this morning, but he wouldn't talk about it. That's when I saw the bandages on his wrists," Squall said, crossing his arms.

"He'll need all of the support you can give him in the next few days. He'll be feeling a kind of isolation you can't imagine," Dr. Kadowaki said. "You all know that Zell believes he caused the bombing of Trabia Garden. In truth, it might not have happened if he hadn't slipped and said something. But then again, it might have happened anyway. But the fact is, he's ashamed of it. He sees himself as a failure. To him, failing to kill himself is just another thing he's failed at. This event will add to his self-destructive behavior if you all let it."

"I don't see how anyone could try to kill themselves...." Quistis said quietly.

"That's because you're not Zell, Quistis. You don't know anything that goes on inside his head. The things people say and do affect why a person would try to kill himself. We won't know why Zell did this until he wakes up and decides to tell us. Like I said, he'll be feeling a kind of isolation none of you can possibly fathom. He might not want to tell us anything. It will be your jobs to break that barrier and get him to speak out, or he will never recover."

"I still don't understand why he would do this..." Irvine said, shaking his head. "He said something to me about us not having to put up with him much longer the other day, but....I'I didn't think anything of it, not seriously. I thought he might have been hinting at suicide, but I didn't think he'd actually try to carry it out......."

Dr. Kadowaki looked at him sympathetically. "He told you that to try to get your attention. He was trying to tell you that he needed help, Irvine. That was what he wanted: your attention. I examined the scars on his wrists and the oldest ones were just quick dashes. Those kinds of cuts are cries for help, Irvine. When he did those, he wasn't sure if that was what he wanted. As the scars got more recent, they intensified into longer gashes, one running down the vein in his left arm," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. She then looked around at all of them. "He wanted all of your attentions. He was hoping that Irvine would go back and tell the rest of you, but he didn't. That's a common mistake. A person tries to get another's attention through suddle remarks like that, but the listener doesn't take them seriously or is afraid to say anything for fear of taking the comment wrongly. It's a common mistake, but in many cases, leading to the death of the person who needed help. I'm not blaming you, Irvine, but you should have taken it seriously."

Irvine bowed his head and crossed his arms. He said nothing.

"Also, I will need you to watch him for the next few days while I am gone to visit my family. My mother is very ill and needs my attention. It would be better for one of you to stay with him as much as possible, especially before he wakes up. The last thing he needs is to wake up and be alone. Do you all understand?" Dr. Kadowaki said.

"Yes. When are you leaving?" Squall asked.

"Within the hour. If anything happens, Nida will know what to do. I need to go pack now. My train leaves in two hours," she said, turning to leave.

"Doctor?" Squall said from behind her. She turned around. "Can we see him....?"

She thought for a moment and then answered. ".....Yes. One of you stay with him the rest of the night, but not all of you. He'll be disoriented when he wakes up, he won't know where he is. It would be for the best if he not wake up to an empty or a full room. Zell just wants to know that he's cared for, loved. It will be hard for him to accept affection from any of you. Except........... Squall, before you brought Zell here, did he look at you after you caught him? Was he conscious for any amount of time?"

".......Yeah. I asked him why he did it and he looked up at me for a few seconds and then he passed out."

"You're the last person Zell remembers, Squall. All he will remember will be being in your arms, you asking him why he tried to kill himself. You're the last person he remembers caring anything about him. Remember that fact and use it," she said.

"I'll stay with him tonight, in case he wakes up," Squall said. Dr. Kadowaki nodded.

"You can go and see him now. But none of you stay too long, except for you, Squall. You staying with him will be good. He trusts you. I have to go now. I will see you all hopefully in a few days," she said and left the room.

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Squall hesitated to turn the doorknob, as if he was afraid to enter the dark room. The others stood behind him, waiting patiently. Rinoa touched his arm, looking up at him.

"We don't have to see him now, Squall....We can wait," she said. Squall shook his head and turned the doorknob. They entered as the light from the doorway landed on the bed and lonely sound of a heart monitor flooded the room. In the bed lie a battered Zell Dincht. His chest was bandaged heavily. The cut on his head was bandaged, but if one looked, the blood was still visible in his hair. Sticking out from underneath the blankets was his left hand and from it, an IV. He breathed shallow and slowly.

No one in the room spoke as they approached the bed. Quistis covered her mouth and withdrew from the room. Irvine went after her and that left Squall and Rinoa. Rinoa put her arms around Squall and looked at him.

"What did we do wrong, Squall?" she asked him.

"I don't know...I can't help thinking I could have done something to keep him from this," he said.

"Squall, none of us knew he was like this. You saved him from dying. That's the most any of us could do," Rinoa said.

"Is it, Rinoa? I don't think so....I could have done something before he did this, if I'd only listened to him more closely. Paid attention. I would have seen something wasn't right, but I was in my own world. He wouldn't be here in this bed if it wasn't for me."

Rinoa looked down at Zell. "You're right, Squall. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. He wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for you."

"I'm gonna watch over him for the rest of the night. You go back to your room," Squall said, sitting down in the chair next to the bed.

"I want to stay here with you."

"You can't. You heard Dr. Kadowaki. I'm the only one supposed to stay here. Please don't argue. I don't feel like it, Rinoa."

She looked down at him and sighed. "Okay.....I'll go," she said and started out the door. She stopped and looked back. "But I want it known that I do so under extreme protest!!"

A small smile appeared on Squall's face, but was gone as soon as she shut the door. He moved his chair closer to the bed and picked up Zell's hand. "I wish you could tell me why you did this, Zell..... I tried to talk to you earlier, but you wouldn't tell me anything. This was what you were hiding? That you were going to do this? Dr. Kadowaki said you wanted our attention. God, Zell, you just needed to ask me if it was this bad.... You've got my attention, now. Just wake up and tell me why. Even if it's just for five minutes, wake up."

He watched Zell for a moment, lying there motionless. It was then Squall realized that Zell was not going to talk back. He put his hand down and stood up. He put his hands on his chest, gesturing toward himself. "You have to tell me something!! Tell me what I did or what someone else did, I don't care, just tell me something! What made you do this?! Was it *me*? Or someone else? Tell me something......" he said, sitting back down. "Anything....."

He propped his head up on his hand, leaning on the bed. He placed his other hand over Zell's and closed his eyes.

Long after Squall had fallen asleep, there was a rustle on the bed. Zell opened his eyes to look up at the ceiling. He coughed several times and Squall woke. Zell continued to cough, then slowly stopped, breathing lightly.

"Zell?" Squall said, picking his hand up, being careful of the IV.

He moaned and tried to sit up. "Uhhhg...!" The pain in his ribs brought him back down. "W'where......where am I....?.....what...who...."

"It's okay, it's Squall. You're here with *me* in the infirmary. How are you feeling?" Squall said.

"T'the infirmary....? No! Why am I....? I wanted to die, why did you.....? I can't-- I just wanted to die!" he cried and sat up, ignoring the pain it brought to his chest. "I didn't wanna be saved! I wanted--I--"

Zell pulled his knees up to his chest and put his head down on them. He began to sob, gasping for breath. Squall watched in trepidation, once again, not knowing what to do.

"I just--I wanted to--just wanted to die....why did you stop me....? You don't-- you can't understand what--why I--" With each word he gasped for breath, as tears flowed down his cheeks.

Squall put his hand on Zell's shoulder. Zell cringed away from him, shutting his eyes tightly. "Don't! Don't touch me! Just stay away........stay away.....please...."

Squall hesitated. He watched Zell sitting on the bed crying in front of him, not knowing what he should do. He watched as the tears rolled down his cheeks, dropping off to the blanket below him. Squall got up and sat next to him on the bed.

"Come here to me," he said, putting his arms around him. Again, Zell protested, trying to get him to let go.

"Let go, Squall!....Just leave me alone......! Let me go!" He tried to push him away, his attempts getting weaker as Squall held on to him. His angry cries turned to sobs as he was pulled closer to Squall. "Let go.....! Let me go......." he whispered. "Please......"

His arms wrapped around Zell, Squall pulled him as close as he could. He stroked Zell's hair back, trying to calm him. "Shhhhhhhhh........It's okay......Just be still.....Everything's okay....you're with me...you're safe......" he whispered to him. Zell's sobs slowly ebbed away to nothing and sat there with his eyes closed.

"Why..... are you doing this...? You don't...care...." he whispered. He began to tremble terribly, shutting his eyes tight. He pulled his knees up to his chest once again. Squall tightened his grip on him and removed his glove to feel of Zell's cheeks.

"You're cold as ice. Here," he said, pulling the blanket up around his shoulders and holding it to him. He waited for him to calm down a moment, and then looked down at him. "Are you alright...?" he asked.

Zell didn't answer. He was so tired and weak he couldn't say anything. That small burst of energy had come from shock and now was gone. He kept his eyes barely open, leaning up against Squall. His eyes finally shut involuntarily and Squall lifted his chin up to see his face.

"Zell.....? Are you okay...?" he asked again.

"......yeah........I'm okay...."

"Just go back to sleep, alright? Everything'll be okay. We'll get through this together." Squall gently lied him back down and Zell looked up at him.

"...Sorry.....I...got a little... crazyheaded for a minute....." he said, closing his eyes.

"Don't worry about it. Just go back to sleep. We'll talk in the morning," Squall said, getting up. Zell's hand reached out quickly and touched the sleeve of his leather jacket. Squall sat back down and took Zell's hand.

"....please, don't leave me.....I'm *scared*, please don't leave me......I don't wanna be alone......" Zell whispered. It was barely audible, but Squall heard it.

"Don't worry, I'm staying *here*, I'm not leaving you. I'll be here all night, no matter what happens," he answered reassuringly.

Zell wasn't listening. He was already asleep. Squall couldn't help but wonder how he had kept all of that anger and fear pent up inside him without anyone knowing. He somehow knew that what he had just seen was the tip of the iceberg. He didn't know how he knew, he just knew that Zell needed help desperately; at what cost, Squall didn't care. Squall could give up his time, anything that would help him.

This was going to be a long road back to the Zell they all knew and loved.