Phoenixcadet
Now, on with the story!!
************************************************************************************************ Chapter 3--All Eyes on Me
Rinoa slowly walked down the entrance hall to the infirmary. Irvine and Quistis followed, all of them dreading the return to the infirmary to see Zell. Rinoa understood why Squall had had her leave the night before. He wasn't just following orders: he had wanted her to leave. She had pretended to leave, staying outside the door to listen to what had been said. She couldn't help but feel that she had betrayed Squall's trust by staying. Those words had been meant for Zell and Zell alone. Not for her or anyone else to hear. She felt sorry, but she couldn't say anything for fear of Squall getting angry at her.
They entered the infirmary and went through the door that lead to a small hallway. Rinoa peered into the room where Zell lie. She motioned for the others to stay outside while she went in. She tiptoed across the room to Squall, who lie asleep in the chair by the bed. She shook him lightly.
"Wake up, sleepy-head," she giggled.
He woke with a start. "What??"
He looked up at Rinoa in mock anger and then got up. "Let's talk out here," he said, walking to the door. They went out into the hallway where the others were and he shut the door almost all the way.
Irvine leaned against the wall, his hat hiding his eyes from anyone who would look. Quistis stood near him, in the same fashion, but with nothing to hide her expression.
"Did he wake up last night...?" Quistis asked.
Squall looked at the floor. What could he say? If he answered 'yes', they would want to know what was said. If he answered 'no', he would be lying. He didn't want to lie to them, but.... He finally decided that what had happened between Zell and himself the night before was best kept that way: between Zell and himself. "No." "Well, we'll just have to keep our cools until he does. Even after that, we gotta stay calm, for Zell's sake," Irvine said, speaking up. He immediately regreted it. "Don't you think we know that?!" Quistis snapped. Irvine held up his hands in defense.
"Hey, hey, I was just making sure we were all on the same page, Quistis! Geez...." he said. He stood looking at her, the discontent on his face obvious. "Just calm down, both of you," Rinoa said.
"...I'm sorry I snapped, Irvine. This situation's getting to me," Quistis said.
Irvine looked at her and shook his head. "I love women," he declared. "I don't understand everything about 'em yet, but I love 'em."
"What's that supposed to--" Quistis was cut off by the intercom.
*Squall Leonhart, report to the bridge. I repeat, Squall Leonhart report to the bridge. That is all.*
"That's Xu," Irvine said, looking up at the speaker.
"What does she want now...?" Squall sighed.
"You'd better go, Squall. You know how Xu can get," Quistis said.
"Yeah.....I'll be back as quick as I can. If Zell wakes up, tell him I got called to the bridge and that I'll be back here directly." With that said, he left the room.
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Squall stepped out of the elevator and into the small passage to the bridge. Before the large wooden doors stood Xu. She was in her SeeD uniform, looking very distinguished. The look on her face was neutral. She sat down on a small couch by the doorway and motioned for him to do the same.
"No, thank you. I won't be staying long. I was busy, you know," Squall said. He crossed his arms and stood in front of the elevator door.
"I know. Dr. Kadowaki told me last night about Zell's *stunt* in the training center," she said.
Squall arched an eyebrow. "Back up, Xu. *Stunt*?? He tried to commit suicide, Xu. That doesn't qualify as a stunt in my book." "Are you sure that was what he was doing, Squall? Are you sure he was trying to kill himself or was it something else...?" she scoffed.
"For God's sake, yes!! I saw him jump from that tree, Xu. I was there. I know exactly what he was doing," Squall said angrily. He was going to leave if this was what she had wanted to tell him.
"Did he see you, Squall? Before he jumped, did he see you? He knew you were there and that you would save him. He wasn't planning on dying," she said, getting up from her seat.
"What are you saying, Xu?"
"I'm simply saying this: That *stunt*," she said, putting even more emphasis on the word this time, "was Zell trying to get attention. Nothing more to it than that. It was a stunt, and I'm not falling for it. You and the others can treat him however you want, but he will get no sympathy from me."
Squall looked at her hotly, anger inside him boiling to no end. He stalked toward her, backing her toward the wall. "You stay away from him then," he declared, looking her in the eye.
"Are you threatening me, Squall? If so, we can fix that," she said. "That wasn't a threat. That was a demand. Understand me right, next time," Squall said.
"I'm just saying that I'm not falling for it. You shouldn't, either. He only wanted attention," Xu said.
"Don't say anything like that again. I know Zell. You've had your ideas in the past, Xu, but to think Zell would turn something like suicide into an attempt to get attention.... I just don't even know what to say to that. I'm going back to the infirmary. Talk to me when you have something intelligent to say."
With that said, Squall turned around and walked back to the elevator. Xu watched as the doors opened and he stepped inside.
"Don't let it get in front of your job, Squall," she said as the doors started to close.
"My friends come first, Xu. Especially now."
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The door to the infirmary hallway slid open and Irvine turned his head to see an obviously indignant Squall come toward him. Irvine raised an eyebrow as Squall leaned against the wall beside him.
"You don't look happy. What'd Xu say to you?" he asked.
"She started spilling all this stuff about Zell only wanting attention and that he wasn't trying to kill himself," he said angrily.
"That's a bunch o' bull hockey. He wouldn't do something like this to get attention. We've known Zell since we were all little kids except for Rinoa," Irvine said with a wave of his hand. Quistis, who was standing against the other wall, spoke up.
"What would drive Xu to make such an accusation???" she said, a puzzled look on her face. "She's never said anything like that before......"
"I don't know," Squall replied. "She said that we can treat this however we want to, but that Zell would get no sympathy from her. Why she would say something like that, I don't know. Right now, I don't really care. The fact of the matter is she said it. And I don't like it."
"That's just not like Xu at all to be that cold. I'll talk to her. We get along pretty well," Quistis said.
"I just think it's for the best that Xu not have any contact with Zell for the time being. And I told her as much," Squall said.
Rinoa's head poked around the corner of the doorway to Zell's room. "You guys? Zell's awake."
The three of them looked at Squall. Irvine and Quistis motioned at him to go on in without them. Squall nodded and he slipped into the room with Rinoa and shut the door.
Zell lie in the bed with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling. Rinoa and Squall walked and sat in chairs on opposite sides of the bed. There was an awkward silence as Squall contemplated what to say. It was Rinoa who finally broke the silence.
"Zell......" She found that she, too, was at a loss for words.
"You don't have to say anything, Rinoa. I know," Zell answered, still gazing up at the ceiling.
"We were all worried about you last night, Zell. We're just glad you're okay," she said.
He closed his eyes. "Sorry.....Rinoa....I need to talk to Squall for a minute.....could you......?"
"Of course. I'll go. If you need anything, Quistis, Irvine, and I will be outside," she said, and got up to leave the room. There was silence after the door shut. Squall looked down at the floor. What was he going to say to him? There was so much in his mind that he wanted to know, but couldn't put words to. He had never been in this situation before.
"Think I'm stupid, don't you?" Zell said after a moment. He still stared at the ceiling, his arms crossed over his chest.
"No, Zell, I don't think you're stupid," Squall replied quietly.
"Why not? I tried to off myself. Why wouldn't you think I'm stupid? I'm sure that's what the others think."
"No one thinks you're stupid, Zell. They just don't understand why you tried to kill yourself. *I* don't understand why you tried to kill yourself," Squall said. Zell looked over at him and sat up. It was difficult for him, but he refused any help from Squall.
"Since when have you tried to understand me, Squall? Since when did you give a whit about me? I didn't want to be saved, I told you that last night. I wanted to die. Why didn't you respect that?" he asked, looking Squall in the eyes. They faced off at each other for a minute, Zell with his intensely blue eyes and Squall with his hazel eyes. It was Squall who finally gave in and turned away. He couldn't look into his eyes anymore. He had never thought such levels of pain and anger existed. And to be seen in Zell's eyes? He'd never expected that.
"Why not, Squall? I've been a thorn in your side ever since the SeeD entrance exam. Just admit it, okay? You could've just let me die in the training center and your problems with me would've been over. Why did you save me? Was it because it was your job? SeeD, save people? Was that it? Don't bother telling me you cared whether I lived or died. Don't lie to me," he said.
Tears glazed his eyes. Until the night before, Squall had never thought he would see Zell cry. Zell acted so tough all the time it just seemed unnatural. He was stunned the night before when he had begun to cry in front of him. He hadn't expected it. When he started to cry, the tears just came as they pleased. Squall, nor anyone else, had had any idea that that kind of emotion had made a bed inside Zell.
It was true that he'd never paid any attention to him. There were a lot of times when Zell just didn't exist to him at all. What did that do to a person? To be acknowledged as being nothing? What kind of mark did that leave? He knew now what it lead to. It lead to this. The irrevocable pain and suffering of being alone, as he was when Ellone left the orphanage. It wasn't the same kind of pain, to be ignored, but Squall knew that it was every bit the equal to that pain he had felt. The burning sensation that one was alone in the world. That the world around you would pick you up and drop you at its leisure, just for fun. He felt that same pain everyday, even though they had all told him that they wouldn't abandon him, that they wouldn't leave him to fend for himself.
That pain had swallowed him when he was small; what was done was done. But he was not going to allow it to swallow Zell, as it had done himself so long ago. He was not.
"Zell.....all I saw when you jumped out of that tree was a friend of mine about to kill himself. I didn't save you because it was my job. Ask Dr. Kadowaki what I looked like when I brought you into the infirmary. Ask Nida. If it was because of my job, I wouldn't have stayed to see if you were going to be alright. I wouldn't have stayed up last night for the primary reason of making sure you weren't alone when you woke up. Zell, I wouldn't be here *now* if it was my job," Squall said.
Zell faltered. "Tha--that's not true.....You don't care about me. You never have. No one ever has. I'm just here."
"Zell, *that's* not true. We all care about you," Squall said.
He turned his face away as he shut his eyes tightly. "Don't lie to me, Squall! You can't! I'm not stupid!"
Squall picked up his hand, but Zell snatched it away. He then touched his shoulder, getting down below his eye level. He looked up at Zell. "Look at my face. Look at my face, Zell, and tell me I'm lying. We all care about you, you just don't--"
"Stop it!!" he barked. He cringed away from Squall toward the other side of the bed. "Don't lie to me!!"
"Zell--"
"Don't!!!" he said. "Just leave......"
Squall looked at him a moment. He didn't want to leave him alone. "I... can't leave, Zell......" he said, choosing his words carefully. "I don't want to leave."
"Can't or don't want to....? You said both. Which is it?" Zell asked, looking down at the bed.
"I don't want to. You don't need to be alone right now. You don't have to talk to me, but I'm staying here."
Silence.
"Has anyone told Ma and Pa?" he asked after a minute.
"No. We didn't think you'd want them to know, so we didn't tell them," Squall answered.
Zell bit his bottom lip. "......thanks."
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Zell wouldn't talk to anyone. Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa, Nida, Squall; they all tried. He wouldn't tell them anything about why he had tried to kill himself. He would either tell them to leave or he wouldn't talk; he would just stare at the bed and not say anything at all.
They stood in the hallway outside Zell's room. Rinoa had stayed in the room and was trying to talk to him. As usual, Irvine leaned against the wall next to Quistis. He wondered if the letter had reached Selphie yet. He had sent the messenger by boat and had told him that the letter was urgent. Selphie's happy-go-lucky manner would be well appreciated. But then again, would she be the same at a time like this?
"Just give him some time," Nida said to Squall.
"I know. I don't want to pressure him but.......I need to know why he did this, Nida. I need to know if it was something I did that made him do this."
"You can't think about what *you* need right now, Squall," she said. She looked up at him sympathetically. "You have to think about what *Zell* needs. About what he's in need of. Not what Squall needs. You and the others have to be willing to give him what he needs, even if he doesn't know or thinks that he needs it."
(Like last night,) Squall thought. (When he woke up, he didn't even want me to touch him. But, that was what he needed: to be touched, comforted. Like when I met Rinoa, I didn't want to be touched by anyone, to be close to anyone. I didn't know it then, but that was what *I* needed. I--)
"Squall....?"
The uncertainty of Nida's voice brought him back to the infirmary.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Yeah... just thinking," he replied.
"Something you can share?"
"No....No, it's not, Nida."
Nida sighed. "Is it something you don't want us to know?"
"It's not that, Nida. It's something that happened between me and Zell. I just think that it's for the best if it stayed that way," Squall said, looking down at the floor. Nida put a hand on his shoulder.
"I understand. In fact, I'm glad you didn't tell me. Right now, he needs someone he knows he can trust. He's always trusted you, Squall. He puts you right up there with his grandfather in how much he admires you. I honestly think that right now, the things you tell him are going to matter the most. You're the only person he even might trust right now."
"Why can't he trust the rest of us?" Quistis asked, stepping away from the wall. Nida turned to her.
"Honestly, Quistis? I don't know the answer to that question. All you need to know is that you have to earn it again, if you ever had it in the first place. Squall had Zell's respect and trust before this," she said, and looked over her shoulder at Squall,"even if he didn't get any back."
Squall crossed his arms and looked at the floor. He said nothing.
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It was almost sunset and he still wouldn't talk. Rinoa had decided to try to talk to him again, despite what the others had told her.
"Zell, you know you can talk to me," Rinoa said softly.
"No, I can't," he answered. He sat on the bed, knees to his chest as far as he could get them. He didn't look at her, but had his eyes shut tightly and his teeth clenched. He swallowed hard.
"Why not?" she asked. She sat in the chair Squall had sat in earlier, leaning forward. It disturbed her to see Zell so reclusive. He had always been so open to everyone. He always told everyone what he thought without ever thinking about it twice. But, now.....
"......You wouldn't understand.......nobody'd understand, Rinoa........I gotta keep it to myself," he whispered. He was trying so hard not to cry. To show weakness like he had in front of Squall. But, then again, everyone thought he was weak, anyway. Ever since they were little, Seifer picked on him. When he was adopted, his older siblings picked on him. He hated getting called 'chickenwuss' and all those other names he had seemingly earned while he was young. He just wanted to end it all that night. To not have to be called anymore names ever again. To do something right for once.
"What wouldn't we understand, Zell....? Why do you have to keep it to yourself....?" Rinoa asked.
Silence.
He didn't want to answer. He didn't want to do anything, except die. He didn't feel anything. He only knew that he was alone. He lied back down on the bed, facing away from Rinoa. He stayed curled up in a ball as he tried to go to sleep. It wasn't hard. Not hard at all.
Rinoa watched his breathing slow until she was sure that he was asleep. When she was sure, she got up and crept toward the door. She slid out it into the hallway, where the others were.
Squall turned to look at her as the door shut almost all the way. She walked to him and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her.
"Is he okay...?" he asked, looking down at her.
"He won't talk to me, Squall. It doesn't look like he's going to talk to anyone right now. But I think there's more to it than we can imagine for now. We just have to wait and give him time," she said.
The door to the hall slid open to reveal a brunette in a standard Garden uniform. She ran over to Irvine and they hugged.
"Selphie....."
"What happened, Irvine???! Where's Zell...? Is he okay?!" she said, pushing him away and looking up at him.
"Whoa! Hold up, Selphie! How did you get here so fast?? I just sent the messenger last night!!"
"Well, apparently, he traveled pretty fast. I got your message a few hours ago. As soon as I got it, I was gone. I took the Ragnarok to Trabia, remember....?" she said. Irvine slapped himself on the forehead.
"That's right! I forgot you had the Ragnarok with you."
"I swear you have the shortest memory of anybody I've ever seen. So, what about Zell? What happened?" Selphie asked.
Irvine looked over at Squall and Rinoa. They looked at each other for a moment until Selphie broke the silence.
".....What is it...?? What happened, you guys...??" she said, looking at each of their faces in turn. Irvine took her by the hand.
"C'mon, Selphie," he said, leading her down the hall. "You need to sit down."
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That's it for chapter 3. Up next is Chapter 4--Confessions. I apologize for the part with Squall and Xu. I don't know why I wrote that. I guess I just didn't like Xu in the game. Also, here are some things I need an opinion on:
1) Should I bring Seifer into this story? If so, why?
2)What about Cid and Edea?
3)Ma and Pa Dincht? I'm thinking about bringing them in, but I don't know.
4)And finally, Raijin and Fujin?
To all who respond, thanks,
Phoenixcadet