Phoenixcadet
________________________________________________________________________________________________
The nights in the infirmary at Balamb Garden were beginning to become unwelcome in the eyes of Squall and his friends. It seemed that the past few nights had only brought with them nightmares for Zell. Even during the day, when he wasn't talking to anyone or staring into nothing, he slept. He had thought it his only safehaven from his emotions, but in the end it proved only to be more painful than when he was awake.
Nida had given him sleeping pills to help him slip into a dreamless sleep when he needed it. But, she, Squall made sure he was only given two. They had locked all the medicine cabinets in the infirmary to make sure he didn't get to the pills by himself. It would be very easy for him to find and overdose on them if he were ever left alone long enough. However, he was never left alone at all by himself for any reason. Not even when he was asleep, unless someone was outside the door. Squall didn't leave the infirmary unless he was absolutely made to by Nida or someone else. He only left to change clothes and take a bath.
Rinoa went where Squall went. Which was usually nowhere but the infirmary. She stayed by his side whenever possible. If he went to change clothes, she stood outside the door until he was finished.
Irvine and Selphie stayed together as well. If one went, so did the other. They had decided to wait on giving Zell the sketchpad and drawing pencils they had bought him until later. They had found him sleeping when they had planned to give them to him.
Quistis spent most of her time trying to get Zell to eat. When he did, he ate very little. She was angry with him for not eating, but she didn't show it. He didn't seem to understand that they were only trying to help. Maybe he truly didn't want it, as he had told Squall. Or maybe it was his way of seeing if they would give up on him. She didn't know, but there was only one way to find out and she didn't want to do that.
Seifer was in the training center, doing what he did best, along with Raijin and Fujin. His response to what had happened had been what no one had expected. He had acted concerned, even worried about Zell. They hadn't expected that. Squall didn't trust him. He just wasn't acting like Seifer. He wanted to watch him, just in case.
In the hallway of the infirmary, all was far from peaceful. Zell's friends all wondered what nature of nightmare would come to him next. Squall leaned up against the wall as everyone argued over who would stay with him this night.
"Rinoa, you and Squall stayed last night. You both need to get some sleep. I'll stay here and watch Zell with Irvine," Selphie said in a low tone of voice, so Zell wouldn't hear. Not that it mattered: he was probably already asleep anyway. Sometimes he slept without any problem. Other times he slept with frightful nightmares running through his mind. If he didn't wake up screaming, he woke up and didn't say anything.
He just lied in the bed and shivered, crying silently. It was in these moments he wouldn't let anyone touch him. No one. He would scream at them and tell them to get away from him, to leave him alone. Not even Squall or Rinoa could get close to him when he was like that.
Squall sighed. He knew Selphie was right. He hadn't gotten any sleep hardly at all since that fateful night. "Alright, Selphie. You and Irvine can stay here with Zell tonight."
"I think I wanna keep an eye on Seifer, Squall. I don't think that reaction to what happened with Zell was sincere. I don't know. I just got this feeling he's...... plannin' somethin'. I don't know what it is....I just got a feelin'," Irvine said, getting up away from the wall. "I'm goin' to the training center. I'll be back later, after Seifer leaves from there."
"And I've got to go talk to Xu, like I told you I would," Quistis said.
"I guess that leaves me here by myself, then," Selphie stated. "I'll be okay here by myself."
At that, they said their goodnights and all that was left was Selphie standing in the hallway.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
It had been hours since the others had left the infirmary. It was almost midnight. The room was dark except for the moonlight seeping through the blinds. Selphie lied awake on the cot Squall had said he would get put in the room. The chair would simply not do. She heard Zell turn over in the bed and she sat up. She looked up on the bed and he was tossing and turning.
He was having another nightmare.
She got up and sat by him on the bed. She watched him as his face turned from one emotion to the next. It went from anger to fear to frustration in a matter of seconds. He grit his teeth as he grabbed the sheets angrily, his head tossing and turning.
Selphie placed her hand on the side of his head and smoothed his hair back gently. "Zell, wake up...." she said just loud enough to stir him. It was calming him, she saw, as the nightmare subsided and he opened his eyes. His blue eyes looked up at her fearfully, his breathing labored and broken. He shut his eyes again.
"It was just a nightmare, Zell. Nothing more," Selphie said to him softly. "Do you wanna tell me about it?" she asked.
He swallowed. "N'no," he answered.
"You don't have to if you don't want to. Just try and go back to sleep," she told him.
Silence.
She sat there, watching him, waiting for him to say something.
"......What did Quistis say about Xu earlier?" he asked quietly.
"......She....had to go talk to her. It's...not important," Selphie replied uneasily.
"Don't lie to me, Selphie.....It was about me and I know it was. I heard you all talking out in the hallway. Tell me."
"I.....Zell, I....Xu--"
"Just tell me, Selphie."
"Xu.....thought you were doing this for attention.....That you jumped out of that tree for attention....."
"If she has the heart to think so," Zell stated. He did it to get attention, yes, but not the kind of attention she thought he was trying to get.
"We know...that...you didn't do it for attention. She told Squall and he was....furious about it. That's what Quistis was going to talk to her about....We...didn't want to tell you..."
"That's okay. I understand.....You....didn't want to upset me?"
"Of course not!! That's why we didn't tell you...." Selphie said.
"I also know something else," Zell said, looking up at her.
She thought she knew what it was, but she wasn't sure. She hoped she wasn't right.
"I know Seifer's here. I know it the same way I knew about Xu. I was awake when Irvine was talking about him in the hallway," he said, turning over onto his back. He looked up at the ceiling.
"I'm not mad, Selphie. Don't worry about me being mad, 'cause I ain't. Like I said, I overheard you guys talking in the hall. I know you and Irvine brought him here. But, I'm not mad at you. Okay?"
"We....were afraid to tell you Seifer was here, too.....We thought that might upset you, too, so we didn't say anything....," she said, looking at the floor. "Squall told me about your sister.....I'm sorry. You never told us," Selphie said to him. She was sad for him. They had never known he had been through something like that.
"It's okay, Selphie. I'm just glad that the guy that killed her is behind bars. He won't be out for the next five years.....I had to testify against him in court. They asked me questions about what was going on in the house that night, and why he killed her....Diane wouldn't testify against him. After he killed her daughter and my sister, she wouldn't testify against him. I know she might've been scared of him, but that's no excuse. I was scared of him, too, but I didn't care, Selphie. He killed my sister," he said. He wasn't crying like earlier. He was completely calm. "If he woulda killed *my* baby daughter, they would have to put me in a straightjacket to keep me from murderin' him myself. I didn't want to go to the stand, but I told them I would, just to make sure he was put in prison for what he did. I answered everything they asked me, no matter how hard it was for me. I'm glad he's in jail....." He looked up at Selphie. "How can anybody do something like that to their own child, Selphie??"
"I don't know, Zell. He was just a sick guy. He had to have been sick to do something like that. Even if he was drunk."
"We're going to put flowers on her grave tomorrow. Do you wanna come?"
"Of course, I would."
________________________________________________________________________________________________
The shop had the most beautiful flowers Zell had ever seen.
"Pick out whatever you want, Zell," Squall said, his hand on his shoulder. "I'll pay for it."
"Anything?" Zell's blue eyes questioned him. Surely he didn't mean *anything*.
"*Anything*."
He looked around the small flowershop. They had been to every one in Deling City and still had not found what Zell was looking for. This was the last one. They had found arrangements of tulips, carnations, daisies, red roses, everything but what he wanted to go on Amber's grave. He looked around until he finally found it.
"There," he gasped, pointing to the arrangement of white roses in the corner. "That's it. That's perfect." Squall looked over into the corner.
"The white roses?"
"Yeah. Amber loved white roses. She bought one whenever she could afford it. Which was almost never," Zell said, walking over to inspect the arrangement. There were well over 2 dozen roses along with small red roses in between them. It was beautiful.
"That's what we'll get, then," Squall said. He walked with Zell over to the counter where an old woman was sitting, reading a magazine. She looked up out from underneath her glasses at Squall.
"Can I help you?" she said nicely, standing up.
"We want that arrangement in the corner over there," Squall told her pointing back into the back of the shop.
"You mean the white and red roses? Those aren't for sale. That arrangement is reserved for a couple who are about to get married. They're to pick them up today, in fact. Can I interest you in anything else?" she said, standing up and pulling a book out from underneath the counter. She opened it and it was full of flower arrangement designs.
"Do you want to keep looking, Zell? I'm sure we'll find something," Squall said to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
He nodded and they returned to the back of the shop, looking through the aisles of flowers. Squall looked back at the front of the shop as the bell above the door sounded. Someone had come in. A few moments later he heard footsteps coming toward him and Zell. He turned around to see a young man and woman standing next to him.
"Mrs. Pocket told us about your predicament," the boy said. He could not have been much older than Squall and Zell.
"We'll let you buy the arrangement from her," the girl said.
Zell turned around and his eyes brightened. "Y'you would??" They quickly darkened again. "No.....I couldn't ask you to do that. You reserved the flowers. They're yours."
"Please take them. We wouldn't feel right keeping them knowing that they could've gone on someone's grave. We can find another arrangement that'll look just as nice for our wedding," the boy said.
Zell looked at them both. "You don't know what this means to me. Thank you so much," he said to them. He shook the boy's hand.
"My family had the same problem last year when my cousin died. Except the people who had them wouldn't sell them to us for any price. I know how it felt to have been denied something like that. I wouldn't want to do the same to another," the girl said.
"Thank you," Squall said. They walked up to the counter to speak with the old woman once more. "How much is that arrangement?"
"That's 400 Gil," she answered.
Squall took out his wallet.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
The sky was filled with dark clouds to match the feelings of the six teenagers as they stood in the cemetary. They had found the grave sooner than they had expected to: it was close to the gate. None of the six said anything as the flowers were placed next to the grave. There hadn't been any flowers put there in a long time from what Squall saw.
Zell read the tombstone aloud. "Amber Ryon. Age 13. R.I.P."
Irvine stepped up behind him with Selphie and put an arm around him. "Sorry, Zell."
Squall and the others followed his example and they all gathered around Zell, each of them placing a hand on one of his shoulders.
"She's in a better place, Zell. Don't worry about that," Rinoa said. "She's smiling down on you as we speak. Just like my mother is on me."
"Thanks, Rinoa......Thanks."
"C'mon, you guys," Irvine said, looking up at the sky as it started to sprinkle. "It's starting to rain. Let's go."
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Later on, back at Garden......
Irvine and Selphie walked into Zell's room inside the infirmary, blue plastic bag in hand. Zell looked up and down at the bag. The two sat down in the chairs on the sides of the bed. Irvine opened the bag and took out a sketchpad and pencils.
"We thought you might like to have something to do, so we bought you these," he said, placing the sketchpad and pencils on the bed in front of him. Zell looked down at them.
"You....bought these for me?"
"We know there's nothing to do here in the infirmary. They don't even have a TV in here. We thought you might be bored, so we got you these," Selphie said to him. "We thought it might get your mind off of everything."
Zell picked up the paper and pencils and sat back against the pillows. He opened the sketchpad and the pack of pencils and looked at Irvine and Selphie, each in turn.
"Thanks......" He knew that was what they wanted to hear, so that was what he said. But, he had stopped drawing months ago. It held no purpose for him anymore. He used to use it as an outlet for his feelings, but it didn't work anymore. Nothing worked anymore. He smiled at them for their effort at trying to make them feel better, but it wasn't working. Nothing could pull him out of the bottomless pit he was in. He felt hopeless.
But, he would draw for them. To please them only. He didn't want them to worry about him. That could only lead to tragedy. He then realized he had never apologized to Selphie about what happened in Trabia. Her friends were dead because of him. She should have hated him; he killed her friends, why wouldn't she hate him? She didn't act like she did, but he knew. All he could do was say he was sorry. He would never ask for her forgiveness. He could never ask for a forgiveness he would never deserve.
"I'm sorry, Selphie......" he said, setting the paper and pencils aside on the bedside table. Selphie's eyes questioned him and she cocked her head sideways slightly.
"For what, Zell?" she asked him, puzzled.
"For Trabia."
"Zell......don't....."
"Your friends are dead because of me. Your teachers, your friends, all dead, because of me and my stupid mouth. You should hate me," he said, pulling his knees up to his chest again.
"Zell, I don't hate you......I could *never* hate you," she replied, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"What happened to Trabia wasn't your fault, Zell.......It was Ultimecia's," Irvine said to him softly. "She possessed Matron and made her give the order to fire the missiles. It would've happened anyway, whether you had said anything or not. You can't feel guilty for something that's not your fault."
"But, it *was* my fault. You don't know that it would've happened anyway, Irvine. All of those teachers and kids are dead because I can't do anything right," Zell answered back, shutting his eyes.
"Zell, you helped to avenge their deaths by helping defeat Ultimecia. By helping stop her, you avenged their deaths," Selphie said firmly.
"Did I, Selphie? All throughout the mission to defeat Ultimecia, even when she had just possessed Matron, I didn't fight as hard as I could have. I didn't fight as hard as I *should have*. Why? I wanted to die. I hoped Seifer or Matron would kill me, let me be at peace. I wanted to die in a battle because I didn't want you and Squall and the others to know what I really was. *Who* I really was," he said, looking at Irvine once again. "I wanted to die in a battle. I wanted to go fighting, even if I only fought halfheartedly. I wanted my parents in Balamb to be known for how strong their son was and that he died for a noble cause. I didn't want them talked about like they were bad parents, like they had something to do with my death. I didn't want them to be labeled that. So I fought halfheartedly."
Selphie and Irvine were stunned. Neither could say anything to the teenager in front of them. He was spilling his life out in front of their eyes and they didn't even have the courtesy to say anything. Deep down inside, Selphie realized, she didn't want to know. She didn't want to know why her friend wanted to die. It was a foreign emotion to her, to want to die and she was afraid of it. She didn't know how anyone could wish to be dead and she didn't want to know. She knew that it was wrong for her to feel this way, and she was beginning to hate herself for it, but she could not help it. The feeling was there and could not be denied. No matter how hard she tried, she could not make the feeling go away.
Zell continued. "In the D-District Prison, when Squall saved me from that guard? I pretended to be relieved that he saved me."
"Zell......please....." Selphie said, her words choked off by the tears welling up inside her. ".....don't........" Zell ignored her plea.
"I could've screamed at him I was so angry. I wanted so bad to die, in that moment when the guard had the gun to my head. I was happy for the first time in my life, Irvine," he said, looking Irvine in the eyes.
Inside himself, Irvine cringed away. "You.....You don't mean that, Zell......You *can't* mean that......" Zell continued on, ignoring the figures who sat by his side.
"I was happy that I could do something right for a change," Zell said, hugging his knees tighter and looking then at Selphie. She met his gaze and turned her head away. "I could give my parents the strong son they thought I was. I could give them what they wanted in exchange for my life. I *couldn't* be the son they thought I was. I could die and make them proud of me. I wanted that *so* bad, for them to be proud of me. I couldn't be what I pretended to be. I wanted to die to make them proud of me, so they'd remember me for what they thought I was."
Selphie saw Zell looking at her from the corner of her eye.
"How about now, Selphie?" he said, pulling back his tears. "Do you hate me now? Do I disgust you now?" He turned to look at Irvine. "How about you, Irvine? Do I disgust you? I should. I disgust myself so much I can't even look in the mirror anymore. Do you hate me now? Answer me. Do you hate me now that you know what I am? What I've done? How selfish I've been?"
"I told you......I could never hate you, Zell," Selphie choked. "*We* could never hate you, no matter what happened."
"Your friends are dead, Selphie!!!" Zell declared forcefully. "Because of me, your friends are dead!! How can you not hate me??!!!"
"It wasn't your fault, Zell!!!" Selphie cried, the tears now flowing freely. "It wasn't your fault!!"
"Stop telling yourself that, Selphie, because it's not true. It is my fault. Stop telling yourself that it's not," Zell said softly.
"Why is it your fault, Zell?? It would've happened anyway!!" Selphie cried again, grasping the bedsheets and leaning foreward.
"People are stupid, Selphie. You believe things because you want to, not because they're necessarily true. You don't want to believe that it's my fault that your friends are dead, so you tell yourself that it would've happened anyway. We believe things because we're afraid that or we know that the other option is true. It *is* my fault, Selphie."
"That's not true......." Irvine said to him weakly, with no force behind the words.
"You're doing it right now, Irvine. You don't want to believe what I'm telling you about people being stupid because you're afraid that it's true," Zell said, looking him in the eyes once more.
"T'then....how do you know that it's your fault.....what happened to Trabia.....?" Selphie choked. She swallowed and continued. "How do you know that.....you don't just believe that it's true......"
"Because I know the rule, Selphie. People are stupid. That's a rule. It's not written down in any book that you can read, but it's a rule. A rule that I've known to be true for a long time. If you don't know the rule, you live blindly. When you know the rule you have to accept reality as it is. It's my fault."
************************************************************************************************
That's chapter 6, short as it was. Stay tuned for chapter 7. Seifer talks to Zell. Wonder what'll happen.........
Phoenixcadet