Do you all expect everyone to put something clever up here to say they don't own Diablo? To Hell with that. I don't own Diablo or its characters. Blizzard does. I'm just borrowing them.
A Day In A Monster's Life
All right, so you all want to know my story, eh? Well, okay. My name is Zax, and I'm a Blood Knight. I was just recently promoted from a Steel Lord. I received better armor, a better sword, and a new Split Skull Shield. Any way, I was down on Level 15, being a sentry around the stairs. We were all being cautious, because Levels 13and 14 had reported attacks. So far there's only been one attack on Level 15, and that was succesfully beat down by my best friend, Damien. It was a lone Warrior, who dispatched most of everything that had been thrown at him. Fortunatly, Damien was able to get to him in time, and stopped him. Unfortunatly, Damien was severly hurt in the process. Right now, he's laid up in the infirmary on Level 17. Yes, that's right. There is a Level 17. You just can't go to it. And there are no cows there, contrary to popular belief. That's in Diablo 2.
At the end of my shift, I decided to go visit Damien. He was pretty happy to see me.
"Hey there, Zax. How are you?", he asked.
"Oh, just fine. So, when are you gonna get out of there?", I asked.
"Today.", he grinned.
"That's great! Y'know, all the high officials are saying Diablo might put you in his Private Guard on Level 16.", I told him
"Really?! That is great! Who's saying that?", he asked.
"Oh, Zhar the Mad, Sir Gorash and, Lazarus.", I replied
"That is good news. The doctors are saying I have to take another healing potion, and I'll be out of here.", he said.
"That's good.", I said.
"Well, you'd better go if you're going to get ready for Diablo's inspection today.", he said.
"Is that today? Oh, damn! I totally forgot. Thanks, man.", I said.
"Anytime, Zax.", he replied.
I dashed out of the room, and went to my room that I shared with about a thousand other Blood Knights and Gold Vipers. The spellcasters all had there own room.
"All right! Everyone get ready for Diablo's entrance.", Sir Gorash yelled. Everyone stood up stock straight.....well....the Vipers stood up as straight as possible. Diablo entered the room. The Lord of Terror was indeed a scary sight. He looked like a wingless Balrog on steroids that had an unfortunate accident with an incredibly large porcupine.
The Lord of Terror walked up and down our ranks, inspecting each Knight and Viper from top to bottom. Diablo stopped in front of me, and spent an extra long time inspecting me.
"You are the friend of the Blood Knight hero, Damien, are you not?", Diablo asked in his booming voice.
"Yes.", I replied.
"I have heard that you are good in combat. Let us see. If you win, you will enter my Private Guard. If you lose, you will be dead.", Diablo said.
"Who do I fight?", I asked.
Diablo closed his eyes and waved his finger back and forth. He stopped his hand, and opened his eyes.
"You'll fight that guy.", Diablo said, referring to a Blood Knight that was of a higher rank than me.
"Oh, man...", I groaned.
We stepped into a Pentagram shaped arena. I drew my sword and shield, and my opponent did the same. We each took a step forward, and a Succubi rang a bell. The fight had started. My opponent ran forward with a ferocity unlike any I had seen. I sidestepped and stuck my sword between his legs. His left leg got cut off at the knee. My opponent fell to the ground, and I simply stabbed him through the head.
"Damn....", he groaned. Then his soul fled his body.
"Yay! I win!", I exclaimed.
"You have proven yourself. You will now join Damien in my Private Guard.", Diablo said.
Damien and I were inside the small room that Diablo lived in on Level 16. We had received word that Level 15 had been overtaken, and not even Lazarus was able to stop the three members of the party.
We heard the screams of Advocates and fellow Blood Knight dying in agony, and the annoying laughter of a Sorceror, a Warrior, and a Rogue. Then we heard a crank, and the door to the room swung open. It was time for action. I stood in front of Diablo, while the Sorceror fired Holy Bolts, obviously to attract the attention of Diablo. The bolts just smacked against my armor, and harmlessly dissipated, leaving only a tingly feeling.
The Rogue stepped forward, only to be met by about a million Fireballs from the Advocates in Diablo's Private Guard. Being the weakest of all three classes, she instantly died.
The Sorceror lasted a bit longer, but he fell to the swords of about twenty Blood Knights.
Damien and I stood protecting Diablo from the last threat, the Warrior, who had managed to cut his way down to us.
The Warrior ran forward, but teleported behind Diablo and hit him repeatedly. The Lord of Terror was being kept innobile in Stun Lock.
"Oh, man....Not good.", Damien groaned.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.", Diablo said. Then blood started spraying from his chest.
"Wait, why is blood coming from his chest? I was just hitting him in the stomach.", the Warrior wondered.
Diablo fell over. Then the Warrior attacked us. We fell, too.
"Ok....hey, what's this thingy here?", the warrior asked, yanking the soulstone out of Diablo's head.
"Oh, shit...", Diablo groaned, changing back to Prince Albrecht.
"Ok, now what do I do with this?", the warrior asked.
Thinking quickly, I cupped my hands around my mouth.(Damien and I weren't dead.)
"Jam it in your forehead.", I said in a deep voice.
"I dunno. This thingamabobber is pretty pointy. That might hurt. Doing it with a beer can is one thing, but th-hey, waitaminit. Who is this?", the warrior asked.
"Ummm....this is God. Yeah. That's it. I'm God. So stick it in your forehead, or I'll smote you.", I said. Damien was almost busted out laughing.
"Oh. Ok, God. Whatever you say.", the warrior replied. And with that, he jammed it into his forehead. "OW!!! POINTYNESS!!!", the warrior screamed.
The warrior twisted and melted as he turned into Diablo. Diablo stood up, an even cooler sight than before.
"Thank you, Zax. You've earned a promotion. Now let's go to Tristram and get wasted!", Diablo cheered.
"Wait, doesn't everyone there hate us?", Damien asked.
"Yeah, I guess, but we'll be really nice.", Diablo said.
"Oh. Okay.", I replied.
We walked up to Tristram, and Cain was the first to see us.
"AHHH!!! DEMONS!!! DIABLO!!!", he yelled.
"Relax. We're just here to get drunk.", Diablo assured him.
"Oh. Okay.", Cain said, calming down. Ogden walked up.
"So you want to get drunk, eh? Well, come on in to the Tavern of the Rising Sun.", he said. We all followed him into the Tavern. Farnham and Griswold were the only other people there. Ogden walked behind the bar.
"So, what do you want?", he asked.
"Ale. And lots of it.", Diablo replied.
After about four straight hours of drinking, everyone was drunk.
"You know, I never thought dat a demon wud drink better dan me...", Farnham told Damien.
"Whaju call me?", Damien asked. Damien punched at Farnham, but missed, and his momentum carried him to the floor, where he promptly fell asleep. Then the Skeleton King walked in.
"Diablo, what the hell are you doing here?", he asked.
"Gettin drunk.", Diablo replied, sloshing his mug of ale.
"Besides that.", the Skeleton King asked.
"Never you mind that. Just sit down, and have some drinks wid us.", Diablo said
"I can't drink, I'm a Skele-", Leoric started.
"I said DRINK!!", Diablo yelled.
An hour later, even the Skeleton King had managed to get drunk. Then the Butcher walked in.
"AHH!!!", Farnham screamed, then dove behind the bar.
"I come for Farnham's tankard of ale. Give it to me, and I will not hurt him.", the Butcher said. Farnham stood up and narrowed his eyes.
"You can have my tankard. When you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers.", he threatened.
"That can be arranged.", the Butcher responded, hefting his cleaver.
"Leoric, give me your sword.", Farnham told the giant skeleton.
"You can have my sword. When you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers.", Leoric said.
"Your fingers are cold and dead, Leoric.", I said.
"Oh. Yeah. How about this. You can have my sword. When you pry it ou-", Leoric started.
"Just gimme the damn sword, or I'll pound you into calcium dust!!!", Farnham yelled at the skeleton. Leoric let out a high-pitched scream, dropped his sword, and dove behind the bar.
"Alright, Butcher. Let's dance.", Farnham said, hefting the sword.
They ran at each other, and swung their weapons. They landed away from each other, and the top of the Butcher's Cleaver fell to the ground. Then the top of the Butcher toppled off of his hips. Farnham gave the sword back to Leoric.
"Many thanks, Leoric.", the old drunk said.
"Thank you for not pounding me into calcium.", the skeleton replied.
The three of us cheered.
Three hours later, everyone was super drunk.
"You know what I've always wanted, Zax?", Diablo asked me.
"What?", I replied.
"To be a ring-beare at a wedding.", Diablo replied.
"Uhh....Ok.", I said.
"Yeah. My parents split up, and they kept marrying other people, but did I get to be the ring bearer? Noooo...They kept using Scavngers, and those Bat thingys, and my worthless brothers and sisters. But me? No, never. So, Zax. If you ever get married, let me...be the ring bearer.", Diablo said. Then he passed out.
"I wanna be the Best Man.", Damien said. Then he passed out.
Five minutes later, I passed out.
The End
Okay. That kind of sucked, I know, so anything is welcome. Flames, good reviews, Love Lettrs. But not letter bombs. Those aren't ok, so don't send those.
A Day In A Monster's Life
All right, so you all want to know my story, eh? Well, okay. My name is Zax, and I'm a Blood Knight. I was just recently promoted from a Steel Lord. I received better armor, a better sword, and a new Split Skull Shield. Any way, I was down on Level 15, being a sentry around the stairs. We were all being cautious, because Levels 13and 14 had reported attacks. So far there's only been one attack on Level 15, and that was succesfully beat down by my best friend, Damien. It was a lone Warrior, who dispatched most of everything that had been thrown at him. Fortunatly, Damien was able to get to him in time, and stopped him. Unfortunatly, Damien was severly hurt in the process. Right now, he's laid up in the infirmary on Level 17. Yes, that's right. There is a Level 17. You just can't go to it. And there are no cows there, contrary to popular belief. That's in Diablo 2.
At the end of my shift, I decided to go visit Damien. He was pretty happy to see me.
"Hey there, Zax. How are you?", he asked.
"Oh, just fine. So, when are you gonna get out of there?", I asked.
"Today.", he grinned.
"That's great! Y'know, all the high officials are saying Diablo might put you in his Private Guard on Level 16.", I told him
"Really?! That is great! Who's saying that?", he asked.
"Oh, Zhar the Mad, Sir Gorash and, Lazarus.", I replied
"That is good news. The doctors are saying I have to take another healing potion, and I'll be out of here.", he said.
"That's good.", I said.
"Well, you'd better go if you're going to get ready for Diablo's inspection today.", he said.
"Is that today? Oh, damn! I totally forgot. Thanks, man.", I said.
"Anytime, Zax.", he replied.
I dashed out of the room, and went to my room that I shared with about a thousand other Blood Knights and Gold Vipers. The spellcasters all had there own room.
"All right! Everyone get ready for Diablo's entrance.", Sir Gorash yelled. Everyone stood up stock straight.....well....the Vipers stood up as straight as possible. Diablo entered the room. The Lord of Terror was indeed a scary sight. He looked like a wingless Balrog on steroids that had an unfortunate accident with an incredibly large porcupine.
The Lord of Terror walked up and down our ranks, inspecting each Knight and Viper from top to bottom. Diablo stopped in front of me, and spent an extra long time inspecting me.
"You are the friend of the Blood Knight hero, Damien, are you not?", Diablo asked in his booming voice.
"Yes.", I replied.
"I have heard that you are good in combat. Let us see. If you win, you will enter my Private Guard. If you lose, you will be dead.", Diablo said.
"Who do I fight?", I asked.
Diablo closed his eyes and waved his finger back and forth. He stopped his hand, and opened his eyes.
"You'll fight that guy.", Diablo said, referring to a Blood Knight that was of a higher rank than me.
"Oh, man...", I groaned.
We stepped into a Pentagram shaped arena. I drew my sword and shield, and my opponent did the same. We each took a step forward, and a Succubi rang a bell. The fight had started. My opponent ran forward with a ferocity unlike any I had seen. I sidestepped and stuck my sword between his legs. His left leg got cut off at the knee. My opponent fell to the ground, and I simply stabbed him through the head.
"Damn....", he groaned. Then his soul fled his body.
"Yay! I win!", I exclaimed.
"You have proven yourself. You will now join Damien in my Private Guard.", Diablo said.
Damien and I were inside the small room that Diablo lived in on Level 16. We had received word that Level 15 had been overtaken, and not even Lazarus was able to stop the three members of the party.
We heard the screams of Advocates and fellow Blood Knight dying in agony, and the annoying laughter of a Sorceror, a Warrior, and a Rogue. Then we heard a crank, and the door to the room swung open. It was time for action. I stood in front of Diablo, while the Sorceror fired Holy Bolts, obviously to attract the attention of Diablo. The bolts just smacked against my armor, and harmlessly dissipated, leaving only a tingly feeling.
The Rogue stepped forward, only to be met by about a million Fireballs from the Advocates in Diablo's Private Guard. Being the weakest of all three classes, she instantly died.
The Sorceror lasted a bit longer, but he fell to the swords of about twenty Blood Knights.
Damien and I stood protecting Diablo from the last threat, the Warrior, who had managed to cut his way down to us.
The Warrior ran forward, but teleported behind Diablo and hit him repeatedly. The Lord of Terror was being kept innobile in Stun Lock.
"Oh, man....Not good.", Damien groaned.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.", Diablo said. Then blood started spraying from his chest.
"Wait, why is blood coming from his chest? I was just hitting him in the stomach.", the Warrior wondered.
Diablo fell over. Then the Warrior attacked us. We fell, too.
"Ok....hey, what's this thingy here?", the warrior asked, yanking the soulstone out of Diablo's head.
"Oh, shit...", Diablo groaned, changing back to Prince Albrecht.
"Ok, now what do I do with this?", the warrior asked.
Thinking quickly, I cupped my hands around my mouth.(Damien and I weren't dead.)
"Jam it in your forehead.", I said in a deep voice.
"I dunno. This thingamabobber is pretty pointy. That might hurt. Doing it with a beer can is one thing, but th-hey, waitaminit. Who is this?", the warrior asked.
"Ummm....this is God. Yeah. That's it. I'm God. So stick it in your forehead, or I'll smote you.", I said. Damien was almost busted out laughing.
"Oh. Ok, God. Whatever you say.", the warrior replied. And with that, he jammed it into his forehead. "OW!!! POINTYNESS!!!", the warrior screamed.
The warrior twisted and melted as he turned into Diablo. Diablo stood up, an even cooler sight than before.
"Thank you, Zax. You've earned a promotion. Now let's go to Tristram and get wasted!", Diablo cheered.
"Wait, doesn't everyone there hate us?", Damien asked.
"Yeah, I guess, but we'll be really nice.", Diablo said.
"Oh. Okay.", I replied.
We walked up to Tristram, and Cain was the first to see us.
"AHHH!!! DEMONS!!! DIABLO!!!", he yelled.
"Relax. We're just here to get drunk.", Diablo assured him.
"Oh. Okay.", Cain said, calming down. Ogden walked up.
"So you want to get drunk, eh? Well, come on in to the Tavern of the Rising Sun.", he said. We all followed him into the Tavern. Farnham and Griswold were the only other people there. Ogden walked behind the bar.
"So, what do you want?", he asked.
"Ale. And lots of it.", Diablo replied.
After about four straight hours of drinking, everyone was drunk.
"You know, I never thought dat a demon wud drink better dan me...", Farnham told Damien.
"Whaju call me?", Damien asked. Damien punched at Farnham, but missed, and his momentum carried him to the floor, where he promptly fell asleep. Then the Skeleton King walked in.
"Diablo, what the hell are you doing here?", he asked.
"Gettin drunk.", Diablo replied, sloshing his mug of ale.
"Besides that.", the Skeleton King asked.
"Never you mind that. Just sit down, and have some drinks wid us.", Diablo said
"I can't drink, I'm a Skele-", Leoric started.
"I said DRINK!!", Diablo yelled.
An hour later, even the Skeleton King had managed to get drunk. Then the Butcher walked in.
"AHH!!!", Farnham screamed, then dove behind the bar.
"I come for Farnham's tankard of ale. Give it to me, and I will not hurt him.", the Butcher said. Farnham stood up and narrowed his eyes.
"You can have my tankard. When you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers.", he threatened.
"That can be arranged.", the Butcher responded, hefting his cleaver.
"Leoric, give me your sword.", Farnham told the giant skeleton.
"You can have my sword. When you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers.", Leoric said.
"Your fingers are cold and dead, Leoric.", I said.
"Oh. Yeah. How about this. You can have my sword. When you pry it ou-", Leoric started.
"Just gimme the damn sword, or I'll pound you into calcium dust!!!", Farnham yelled at the skeleton. Leoric let out a high-pitched scream, dropped his sword, and dove behind the bar.
"Alright, Butcher. Let's dance.", Farnham said, hefting the sword.
They ran at each other, and swung their weapons. They landed away from each other, and the top of the Butcher's Cleaver fell to the ground. Then the top of the Butcher toppled off of his hips. Farnham gave the sword back to Leoric.
"Many thanks, Leoric.", the old drunk said.
"Thank you for not pounding me into calcium.", the skeleton replied.
The three of us cheered.
Three hours later, everyone was super drunk.
"You know what I've always wanted, Zax?", Diablo asked me.
"What?", I replied.
"To be a ring-beare at a wedding.", Diablo replied.
"Uhh....Ok.", I said.
"Yeah. My parents split up, and they kept marrying other people, but did I get to be the ring bearer? Noooo...They kept using Scavngers, and those Bat thingys, and my worthless brothers and sisters. But me? No, never. So, Zax. If you ever get married, let me...be the ring bearer.", Diablo said. Then he passed out.
"I wanna be the Best Man.", Damien said. Then he passed out.
Five minutes later, I passed out.
The End
Okay. That kind of sucked, I know, so anything is welcome. Flames, good reviews, Love Lettrs. But not letter bombs. Those aren't ok, so don't send those.