"Take a look for yourself," said Madam Pomfrey. When she didn't say anymore, Dumbledore became very uneasy. He followed her into the sick bay, and felt his heart drop to his feet. Harry was wondering around the room, oblivious to his surroundings, tipping over pots and pans. He already had a large bruise on his forehead where he had slammed into each wall. It didn't take long for Dumbledore to realise what this meant. He turned worriedly to Pomfrey, who was on the verge of tears. He had been planning to ask her to confirm his diagnosis of the Phantasm potion, but decided it would only make her worse.
"I'll get Minerva and Severus," he muttered. Madam Pomfrey didn't seem to notice he had spoken. She didn't even blink when Harry shook hands with an ornate vase, then dropped it on the floor and started talking to the window sill as if he was lost.
In the Great Hall, Ron was getting annoyed. He was trying not to show it, otherwise they'd get Fred and George pestering them.
"Don't worry," said Hermione, who was worrying herself. "None of us have been getting much sleep recently. I expect it was just a little too much for Harry, and he fell asleep outside the Slytherin door. He's probably snoring away underneath that Invisibility Cloak of his right now. We'll check it out afterwards." Ron was not convinced. He looked hatefully over at Malfoy who was bragging about something on the Slytherin table.
"I'll bet Malfoy's got something to do with this. You can tell by the way he's grinning and not looking at us." Hermione couldn't help but agree with him. Malfoy seemed to be in a particularly good mood this morning, and Harry's strange disappearance probably had something to do with it. Suddenly, Professor McGonagall burst loudly into the Great Hall, making everybody except Crabbe and Goyle look up, and Malfoy, who looked as if he was trying not to pay any attention to what was going on. The Professor strode up to the Gryffindor table, looking very distressed.
"Weasley, Granger, come with me. Leave your breakfast." Fred and George could have responded with the "which Weasley would that be?" prank, but somehow Professor McGonagall's face didn't look like she in the mood for that sort of thing, not that she was at any time. Ron and Hermione instantly knew it had something to do with Harry, and they got up straight away without question. Ron looked back at Malfoy just before he left the Great Hall, and noticed the boy was deliberately not looking in his direction.
Harry was feeling more than a little confused. He could not remember how he had got here, nor any of the events leading up it. The farthest he could remember was…nothing. He knew he was Harry Potter and which school he went to, but his mind couldn't seem to focus on how he had got to this weird place. And weird was not the half of it. He had woken up lying on a main road, which he knew enough to be not a good idea, and he quickly ran to the other side. The first odd thing he noticed was the trees. Trees of all shapes and sizes were scattered around randomly all over the place. They were sprouting out of the road, surely a safety hazard, he even saw one growing over a manhole. He began to seriously suspect something was wrong when someone with a wedge of cheese for a body walked past him pushing a pram full of cabbages. All of a sudden, Harry felt as if he had a very bad headache. He took in his surroundings. On one side of the road he had woken up on, there was a long line a shops and houses. On the other side…a desert. At the moment he was on the shopping side. He began to feel a little bit queasy as a woman with no legs hovered across the road. Something was seriously wrong. Was this a dream? Harry pinched himself, but nothing happened. He looked at the types of shops there were. A butcher's shop was the first that caught his eye. That seemed sane enough. A cardboard cutout of a jovial pig holding a lemon (Harry decided to ignore this) stood outside the welcoming little shop, boasting in white chalk lettering about their high, high prices (he decided to ignore this as well). He pulled the door open, and entered. He was greeted by the sight of a real pig, standing on its hind legs, behind the counter.
"Ah, my favourite customer," the pig grinned. "The usual?" Without allowing Harry to answer, the pig shoveled a pile of Brussels sprouts into a plastic bag, carried it over to a wooden table, and dumped it there.
"I thought this was a butcher's," said Harry, trying to make sense of this as best he could. The pig didn't seem to hear him. Instead, it hauled out an impossibly large mallet, and before Harry could protest, the pig brought it crashing down on the plastic bag. After replacing the mallet, the pig handed the bag to Harry, who didn't care to look inside.
"Right, two slices please," the pig said casually. Harry stood there, not sure what to do. "Two slices, please," repeated the pig. Harry suddenly realised the pig wanted to be paid in some way. He began searching his pockets, trying to formulate a plan. He didn't need to. Someone appeared from behind him, and went up to the counter.
"On me," said the person. He handed over two slices of sponge cake from out of his jacket pocket, which the pig ate immediately. Harry's saviour turned around to face him.
"Ron!" Harry almost leapt for joy, but he didn't when noticed something else wrong. "Ron…is that a dress you're in?"
Ron and Hermione looked hopelessly at Harry, who had caused every amount of devastation possible in the sick bay. He was now opening an invisible door, and bumped into a real wall. Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall and Snape were watching from behind. Ron had thought Snape would be resisting jumping for joy when he discovered Harry Potter had gone mad, but instead the Potions master seemed a little concerned. Ron wondered if he remembered describing the Phantasm potion to everybody the other day. There was no doubt who was behind this, at least in Ron and Hermione's mind. Malfoy. This time he had gone way too far. The wretched boy had obviously not properly read about the potion, and not realised that there was no cure. He had probably thought that Harry would be like this long enough for the whole of Slytherin to get a good laugh at him, then the effects would wear off. Even the thought of the amount of trouble Malfoy would get in for this did not make Ron feel any better. Just standing peering through the window in the door of the sick bay, staring at his friend crashing into the walls made him feel sick. He pulled away.
"I can't look anymore. Can't you at least time him to a chair or something? At least something to make him stop smashing his own brains out," Ron said. Hermione winced when Ron mentioned smashing brains out.
"I'm afraid it's all been tried before, Ron," said Dumbledore quietly. "They just wriggle out. It doesn't do them any good anyway. We already tried wrapping a thick bandage around his head to stop him hurting himself. He just ripped him off. I'm afraid I just can't work out who would do such a thing…unless Voldemort is involved somehow." Usually, people winced whenever Voldemort was called by name. However, nobody cared at this moment. Ron faced them, seething.
"I'll tell you who did this." A great deal of swearing was involved in the next sentence, but the general message was that Draco Malfoy was the culprit. Snape jerked into action.
"Mr. Malfoy would not be stupid enough to do such a thing. I'm afraid Mr. Weasley is getting a little worked up about this…naturally he would accuse the person who he, Potter and Miss Granger have had a silly little rivalry with over the past few terms.
"Why do you think Draco did this?" asked Dumbledore, speaking to Ron like a mother would explain to a child that their grandfather had gone somewhere and wasn't coming back. Ron would not be put off.
"Me, Hermione and Harry all knew that Malfoy was trying to make the Phantasm potion."
"How did he know about the Phantasm potion?" asked Dumbledore.
"Professor Snape told us about it about a week ago," Ron said. Snape looked venomously at him. All the teachers turned to Snape.
"I was merely warning my class not to confuse the Grungle potion mixed up with the Phantasm, as a safety precaution. Besides, I only mentioned the effects, I didn't say a word about the ingredients." Snape was beginning to get irritated.
"Did you happen to notice, Professor, how interested Mr. Malfoy seemed in the potion?" demanded Ron, fire in his eyes. Snape turned nasty.
"Don't you dare take that tone with me, Weasley, or I'll have you…"
"Answer the question, Severus." Said Dumbledore, seriously. Snape was about to protest, but decided against it.
"Yes, all right, Malfoy was a little bit persistent in his questioning. But that doesn't mean he did it. I'm afraid I shall need proof before I can trust this wild story." Dumbledore straightened his back, and sighed, as if succumbing to the inevitable.
"Very well, if you can provide us with proof, Ron, we'll believe you," he said, then marched off. "I'm going to announce an emergency meeting for everybody in the Great Hall. Minerva, Severus, I shall need your help to find the prefects and spread the word. Ron and Hermione, you can come when you're ready."
Professor McGonagall and Snape followed in pursuit of Dumbledore, leaving Ron and Hermione with Madam Pomfrey to watch over Harry.
"You know," muttered Madam Pomfrey. "It wouldn't surprise me one little bit if that Draco Malfoy did this to Harry. He's not got a shred of decency in his blood."
Harry had needed quite a little bit of time getting used to the female Ron. Thankfully, she was still called Ron, it was perfectly normal in this mad place. Ron appeared to know Harry as well as he or she or whatever had done at Hogwarts, which was good. The long yellow dress and the more lovingly curled red hair took a little getting used to, and the long eyelashes, but generally it was the same Ron that Harry had known. It was the voice that had Harry fooled at first, it was Ron's normal voice, not at all feminine. They were now walking along the street lined with shops. Ron appeared to want to take Harry somewhere, but he wasn't making it quite clear where.
"Why are we going to a Job Centre, Ron?" asked Harry, almost bumping into a walking cucumber.
"Why do you think?" Ron laughed, stepping over a pink cube that was lying on the pavement for some reason. "What do people normally go to Job Centres for?"
"Er…to get jobs," said Harry, even more confused than before.
"Well?" said Ron.
"Are you saying we're trying to get a job?" Ron looked at him, puzzled.
"Of course we're trying to get a job!" she said loudly. "I'll introduce you to Hermione when we get there."
Harry's eyes bulged.
"Hermione's there too?" Ron looked at him again, puzzled.
"You know him?"
"Him? No, but I know her!" Ron shook her head in amazement.
"I think the Sun's gone to your head, Harry," she muttered. Harry looked up. There was no Sun. "I've told Hermione all about you. I think he'll be glad to get this meeting over and done with, then I can shut up about you. Here we are, Harry." Ron turned sharply to his right, and pushed open the heavy door of the Job Centre. Harry tried to ignore the fact that the building was in the middle of the road, and followed Ron in. They walked past a rack of leaflets advertising job courses, and Ron took a seat next to someone. Harry looked on, deciding that if you can't beat them, join them.
"You must be Hermione," he said, shaking hands with Hermione. He looked up as somebody dropped a glass over by the small canteen, then took in the male version of Hermione. As was the case with Ron, Hermione was still her old self, only she now wore small bent glasses, her front teeth protruded even further, and her hair had been cut much shorter.
"So you're the famous Harry Potter," he said. "Do you like reading?" Before Harry could reply, Ron let out a loud sigh, as if deliberately stopping the conversation. She was staring at a leaflet she had obtained from the rack they had passed.
"What's that?" asked Harry. Ron was looking really envious.
"This is the course you'll be going on. The girl in charge really knows how to do her hair." Hermione snatched the leaflet off Ron.
"And she's really nice. Never raises her voice." Harry reached for the leaflet, a tiny feeling of dread nagging at his brain. Hermione handed him the folded piece of paper, and Harry stared down at the photo on the front.
"Oh no…" Staring back up at him was Draco Malfoy, golden locks of hair tumbling down her shoulders.
Hermione was trying desperately to reason with Ron, who was marching towards the Slytherin common room like a madman. She agreed that Malfoy had to pay dearly for this, no matter what the teachers thought, but violence just wasn't the way. However, Ron obviously didn't share this view. He caught Malfoy in corridor outside the common room.
"Hello Weasley," he drawled. "You look rather angry…" Malfoy could not get any further before Ron had smashed him across the nose with all the force he could muster. There were a few shrieks and cheers, as Ron started beating the life out of Malfoy's body.
"Sometimes…Hermione…magic spells are no match for…brute force…" Hermione eventually pulled Ron off Malfoy, but the damage was done. Bruises had already taken shape on Malfoy's forehead, and his nose was bleeding heavily. As if things couldn't have got worse, Snape suddenly appeared from round a corner. He took in the scene at once, and ordered everybody in the corridor to go to the Great Hall, apart from Ron, Hermione and Malfoy, who was still trying to pick himself up.
"Granger," hissed Snape malevolently. "You will escort Mr. Malfoy to a sick bay which hasn't already been destroyed by Potter, and describe to Madam Pomfrey the exact circumstances under which he obtained these injuries. And believe me, I will be able to tell if any extra damage has been done to him on the way." Hermione, looking worriedly at Ron, picked Malfoy up under the armpits, and took the most direct route to the sick bay.
"Weasley, get to my office, I'm contacting your parents immediately. I doubt they'll pay much attention, if this is the sort of son they produced…" Ron, chest heaving, allowed himself to be dragged by the wrist to Snape's dark, secluded office.
Hermione pulled Malfoy up the stone steps non too gently. He groaned loudly.
"You heard what Professor Snape…" Hermione almost dropped him in anger.
"You, Draco Malfoy, are the most evil, corrupt and ignorant person I have ever had the misfortune to set eyes on." Malfoy's eyes widened.
"Ignorant?"
"Thought it might be a bit of laugh for you and what little friends you have? Of course, having researched the Phantasm potion thoroughly, I assume you knew the effects were permanent?" Malfoy didn't register for a moment, then his eyes almost fell out of their sockets.
"Permanent…" he stuttered. He tried to compose himself too late. "W-w-well, poor old Harry…"
"Exactly. Come on." Hermione hauled him clumsily up the steps.
"Where are you taking me?" he shouted. Hermione laughed.
"The sick bay, where else? You and me are going to try and work out a little cure for our dear friend Harry, and if there is any lack of cooperation on your behalf, I shall be forced to do to you what you did to Harry." Malfoy tried to act cool.
"Madam Pomfrey would never let you," he said smugly.
"She would, because Madam Pomfrey is just as convinced you did it as Ron and I are. I doubt she would protest if I forced you to work on the floor…" Malfoy gulped, and allowed himself to give in to the fate that awaited him.
Harry was beginning to feel himself going mad. For a start, the swapping of Ron and Hermione's genders was bad enough, but Malfoy…She was hard not to relate to Gilderoy Lockheart, in the way she adjusted her make-up every few minutes. Harry wondered if he would meet a male version of Lockheart somewhere around here. Malfoy pranced over to Harry almost as soon as she entered the cramped room full of desks of all shapes and sizes.
"Oooh, look chipsticks, we have a visitor!" Her breath smelt sickeningly of watermelon. "Shall we give him the traditional Malfoy Job Course greeting?" The whole class of genuine weirdoes began nodding and cheering enthusiastically. Ron punched Harry's shoulder and grinned.
"You'll love this!" she said. The whole class, minus Harry, then got into an untidy formation at the front of the room, with Malfoy at the front. Harry watched, bewildered, as people started hauling musical instruments like guitars out of their pockets, and then suddenly there was hush. Malfoy clicked her fingers, and Ron began playing a serious of notes on a set of bongo drums, which all sounded the same. Then Hermione joined in, tapping a triangle in the blandest way possible. Another freaky person began playing the guitar. He was actually very good, but good music mixed with bad music usually ended up in horrible mess, and this was no exception. Soon everybody was playing a different instrument, whether badly or goodly, and then Malfoy started to sing. If Malfoy had been one hundred percent female, she might have got away with it, but she still had his same old masculine tones, and produced what sounded like someone stepping on a cat's paw, and the sound of a piano string being scratched with a key. It was certainly not pleasant. She was whining something about opportunities and possibilities, but the voice was changing in pitch so often, Harry found it hard to catch any of the words. As Malfoy reached the end of an overly-energetic crescendo, Harry decided that something was definitely not right. He didn't belong here. The only problem was, he had no idea how to get out.
"Gosh, wasn't that fun, chipsticks?" gasped Malfoy. "As I'm sure you're aware I mentioned in the song, I hope you're going to stay with us for some time…"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, all right, I admit it, I "borrowed" the idea of someone being trapped in a mad world from "Red Dwarf/Better Than Life", but I tried desperately to make this dissimilar, and I'm reasonably happy with the result. I was, myself, rather unconvinced that Malfoy would be as evil as to force-feed Harry the Phantasm stuff, but decided to make up for it by saying Malfoy hadn't realised the effects would be permanent. I really hadn't planned to go on so long, but I thought I might need a bit more time to make the situation Harry was in seem more hopeless. Watch out for part four, most probably the last part, and it might be a bit shorter as well.
DISCLAIMER: Unbelievable as this may sound, none of the characters above were made up by me, but it was J.K. Rowling, and I am using them for my own purposes. Oh yes, "Red Dwarf" and "Better Than Life" (I think) were made up by Robert Grant and Doug Naylor, as you may be aware.