Fusions That Should Never Be I: SailorEva
Chapter 2
Standard disclaimer No. I don't own any of the Evangelion or Sailor Moon characters
All C+C desired. You can contact me at
sommer@3rdm.net
[Writer's note. Sorry for the close posting of these two chapters. Originally I wrote them a year apart, however when posting it to the Fanfiction.net archive, I decided to combine them into one since each was so small to begin with. For two hours I toiled to make them flow well together, but I was satisified with the end results. A pity I forgot to save it as plain text before posting. _ So here now is what was supposed to be the second half of chapter 1, but is now chapter 2. This is also why the fic has an R rating.]
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Deciding compliance was for the best, Shinji did as his mother instructed and agreed to pilot the Eva. He finished putting on his plug suit and climbed onto the top of the entry plug of the EVA-01. Before entering it, he looked up to where his mother stood high above, watching everything through aloof eyes. "You know, Mother. This whole entry plug thing seems pretty phallic to me."
Usagi Ikari stared at her son through eyes devoid of emotion. "Of course. It is as I intended. As head of NERV, I am forced to make critical decisions about such things." She turned to Makoto and Rei, who had joined her in the Control Room, and whispered, "What does phallic mean?"
Makoto and Ami felt a mutual headache coming on. They flipped a coin to decide who would explain it to their leader and commander. Ami lost.
"It, you know, has to do with the, you know, stuff you used to, you know, do with your husband."
"Take long romantic walks in the park?" Usagi asked.
"No."
"Spend large amounts of time staring lovingly into each other's eyes?"
"No." Ami sighed, exasperated. "You know, this." She lowered her hand to her pelvis and made a back and forth motions with it.
"Shake hands with really short people?"
"No! It has to do with the penis! Shinji is saying there is a sort of symbolism between that and the entry plug into the EVA!"
"Oh," Usagi's eyes took on a knowing light, then a look of horror ran across her face. "Shinji! What on earth are they teaching you at school?! I never had thoughts along those lines when I was your age!"
Ami turned her attention to Shinji. "Besides, if you think that's bad, you should have seen where they originally put the entry plug on the Evas. It ended up right there." Ami gave a hard smack to Usagi's buttcheeks.
Shinji stared at Ami through half-lidded eyes. "You mean it was-"
"-called the 'Butt Plug' system," Makoto confirmed. "But the idea was quickly scrapped after there was an emergency ejection and no one would go near the plug."
"That the entry plugs were painted brown didn't help things either," Ami murmured.
Shinji cringed, suddenly realizing things could have been a lot worse. The current entry plug system worked fine for him. He proceeded to enter the plug, and was quickly shot into Unit-01. He examined his surroundings.
"What, no CD player?"
The familiar voice of Usagi came over one of the speakers in the plug. "There's nothing worth listening to nowadays since the Sailor Starlights were found beaten to death with a rubber dildo in some back alley."
"I don't want to know," Shinji said as his mind involuntarily tried to visualize the information he had just been told.
Usagi began giving orders. "Prepare for LCL injection."
"I don't do drugs!" Shinji protested.
"That's LSD, not LCL. Stupid git," Ami spat.
Usagi turned her attention to the three bridge bunnies on the lower command floor. "Makoto, inject the LCL into the plug."
"That's not my job!" Makoto, senshi of Jupiter, protested next to Usagi..
"Not you. I meant Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is," Usagi explained.
"Oh." Makoto relaxed.
"That's not my job either. It's Aoba's, ma'am," Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is pointed out.
"I knew that." Usagi gave him, 'the glare,' and Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is cowered. Usagi made a mental note to have him replaced with some leftover cast member from Sailor Moon. Having two people with the same first name was going to be as confusing as hell, and it wasn't like anyone would miss the background character anyway. Hell, they'd probably think Hotaru had always been part of the original Evangelion series. Besides, Usagi was getting tired of thinking of him with all of those words added to his name.
"Aoba! Do the LCL thing!" Usagi ordered
Thankful that he didn't have the same name as one of the Sailor Moon cast and had some ridiculous declaration substituted for it, Aoba hit a button.
In the entry plug, Shinji noticed a liquid substance begin to rush in from faucets that had been cleverly disguised as faucets. "Hey! What's going on?!"
"It's a specially designed liquid to help you interface with the unit," Ami assured him.
"I'll drown!"
"No, you can breathe the LCL. Just open your mouth and try it," Ami said soothingly.
Once Shinji was completely submerged, he did as she asked.
"See," Ami cooed. "That wasn't so bad."
"Umm, Ami. Why are his eyes bulging?" Makoto asked as she watched the monitor of the interior of the plug.
"It takes a while to get used to LCL," Ami answered.
"And why is he not speaking to us even though his lips are moving?"
"Could be faulty speakers."
"And the reason he's making strangling motions with his hands?"
"He enjoys charades?"
Usagi appeared overjoyed at that. "Gendou-chan always enjoyed playing charades with me. Especially when he was choking on a chicken bone during dinners. Usually, it didn't take me more than a couple of minutes to figure out that he was trying to sign, 'Heimlich Maneuver'."
Aoba looked at his control panel and made a discovery. "Oh shit! I filled it with water instead of LCL!"
Usagi ripped the microphone out of Ami's hands and spoke to Shinji. "You're drowning? Is that what you're trying to tell us, Shinji?"
Shinji gave her a thumb's up sign.
"Ha! I knew I hadn't lost my touch," Usagi smirked.
"Flush the water and fill it with the LCL instead," Ami ordered.
After the switch was completed, and Shinji threw up all of the water, as well as the contents of his lunch, he recovered enough to have both him and his Eva shot to the surface. Immediately before him was the form of the first Angel he was going to have to fight: Sachiel.
"I need a weapon!" Shinji shouted, noticing a half dissolved French fry float past. He made a note never to throw up while in LCL ever again.
"Not yet," Usagi's voice came over the speaker "First you need to get the proper clothes."
"Proper clothes?" Shinji asked. What? Did she consider the Eva naked? And was that a mushroom that had passed by? He hadn't eaten any mushrooms
"To your right," Makoto's voice came over the loudspeaker. Shinji turned to see a building open up, revealing a false interior. Inside was a gigantic black cloak, white mask, and top hat that were all sized to fit the Eva.
"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said. Now the pickle he recognized.
"Hurry," Usagi's voice urged, "before the Youma-"
"Angel," Makoto corrected.
"-Angel attacks!".
"No way!" He had to run away. He had to run away.
"But Shinji, you're my son. My own flesh and blood."
Sniffling came over the intercom. Shinji recognized the signs and gave up before he was forced to bend unwillingly to his mother's demands. It took several moments of reluctant maneuvering to actually don the ridiculous garb on his Eva.
"You look just like your father," Usagi began to wail slightly over the intercom now.
Shinji rolled his eyes, then turned to confront the Angel. His sych-ratio with Unit-01 was so high that both he and it formed mutual sweatdrops.
"What's it doing?" Shinji asked as the Angel seemed to be engaged in some bizarre defense, rolling around on the ground and making weird noises.
"It's laughing." There was barely controlled amusement in Ami's voice. Other voices could be heard laughing in the background as well. "Just as ha! we hoped. It's so stupefied by your ha! appearance, it's unable to focus its AT field. Teeheeheehee."
Again Shinji was telling himself he had to run away when Makoto composed herself enough to say, "Punch the button on your left, next to the cappuccino machine. Then reach over your shoulder and grab the weapon."
Shinji found the button and pushed it. He then did as she said and reached up, grabbing onto something. He pulled back and brought the weapon into view. Another sweatdrop formed.
"It's a rose." He said it without the faintest hint of emotion in his voice.
"It's a prog rose," Makoto said. "Drive it into that red spot on the Angel and you'll destroy it. WAHAHAHAHAHA! He looks so stupid!"
Had Shinji any spine whatsoever, he would have tossed the rose away and left, never to go back to NERV again, and allow them to fall unto the mercy of Sachiel. But being essentially a gutless wimp, he did as he was told, drove the prog rose (which actually did cut very well) into the laughing Angel's core and destroyed it.
"Well, that was certainly exciting," Shinji said dryly as he looked at the dissolving Angel remains. After he took off the cloak and mask -the only way to make the others stop laughing at him- he returned to the holding cage where his mother and the other waited for him.
Usagi Ikari had once again composed herself. Her voice was cold and devoid of emotion. "Excellent work, Shinji. You showed grace and poise out there, risking your life to save humanity."
"I looked like a clown and stabbed a monster that couldn't defend itself with a rose. This is easily the lowest moment of my life."
"Ha!" Usagi said. "You think you have it tough? When I was your age, I ran around in a tiny fuku, shouting ridiculous things like 'In the name of the Moon, you shall be punished' at ludicrous monsters that looked like refugees from a Grade-B 50's Horror movie. You do that during your entire formative years and see how much integrity you have left."
"The uniform always made my thighs look fat," Ami admitted. "It was really embarrassing and ruined my self-esteem. It's probably why the boys almost never hit on me."
"That and the fact Minako usually greeted every guy we met with her legs wide open," Makoto agreed.
Usagi pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose again. "I believe I've done enough parenting for today. It's time to decide where Shinji's going to stay now that he's a part of NERV."
"I'm not staying with you?" Shinji asked.
"No."
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief.
Usagi left things in Ami's care and exited the room, tripping over her own ponytails only once. After Usagi was gone, Ami began to consider their options. "How old are you Shinji?"
"Thirteen."
"Still a virgin?"
Shinji blushed. "Ah, what does that have to do with trying to choose a place to stay?"
"Everything. Now answer the question."
"Yes."
"Want to stay that way?"
Shinji's blush deepened. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship like that, so yes, I'd like to stay that way for now."
"Cross Minako off then," Makoto said. "If it's male, she sleeps with it. You know her motto, 'if it can get hard, it can get off'."
"Would you mind living with a couple of lesbians?" Ami asked.
"I'm not sure I'm ready for that either." After Shinji met Kaji, and admitted he had passed up the opportunity to stay with a couple of lesbians, the older man beat the living crap out of him for "passing up the opportunity of a lifetime!"
"Cross Haruka and Michiru off," Makoto said.
"How do you feel about religious fanatics that see visions in their fires?"
"What are you talking about?!"
"Forget Rei," Makoto said.
Ami looked up to the ceiling. "How do you feel about drunks?"
"HEY!" Makoto shouted.
"I don't mind someone that likes to drink," Shinji said, afraid of what other options were going to be presented to him. Hanging out with a lush sounded at least relatively normal.
Makoto felt flattered that he'd pick her. She placed an arm around Shinji and brought him closer. "I guess it would be kind of fun having someone like you around. Buck up, Shinji. We've saved the world and you're going to be living with me. Let's go out and celebrate with my buddies, Jim and Jack."
"They're foreigners?" Shinji asked.
"They're not domestics, no," Makoto said. She felt happier than she had in a long time. It wasn't like she was getting close to marriage, and this might be the closest thing to a son she was ever going to have. A pity he reminded her of one of her old boyfriends though. That might complicate things. "I think we're going get along fine. Just fine, Shinji."
"We're home!" Makoto shouted as she ushered Shinji into the house.
Hearing the door open, a small animal made its way to the entryway.
"That's Pen-Pen," Makoto said as her pet came into view. "He's a special moon penguin."
"He's a bit furry."
"It helps to keep him warm."
"He has four legs."
"It's not like penguins can fly. His wings were useless anyway."
"And the tuxedo?"
"A problem with his coloring. He wouldn't be a penguin if he wasn't black and white."
"What about the pointed ears on the top of his head?"
"The better to hear you with, my dear."
"Of course. And the yellow bill?"
"What about it?"
"Not much. It's just plastic and is attached to his face by a rubber band."
"A horrible accident with a razor and a runaway zit."
"I see. You do realize THAT'S A CAT DRESSED UP LIKE A PENGUIN!!!" Shinji finally snapped.
Makoto was unaffected. "His grandfather was a cat, you know. Strong family resemblance is all that it is. He really is a penguin."
'Pen-Pen' sighed. "Hey, Mako, we'd better tell him the truth. He's not buying the disguise."
Shinji nodded his head in understanding. "Oh, he's a talking cat. Now it makes sense." Of course it didn't really make the least bit of sense, but his mind was ready to go bye-bye now, and it didn't particularly feel like dealing with talking cat/penguins.
"All right," Makoto finally relented. "His name is Artemis, and he is really a moon cat, not a moon penguin. He's hiding out here to avoid his former owner, Minako 'I carry more sperm in me than a boatload of horny sailors' Aino."
"How come?" Shinji asked Artemis, afraid of the answer while knowing deep down inside that he would never know sleep again unless he found out, no matter how twisted and sick the answer was probably going to be.
"I was tired of being used as a sex toy."
Oh, it was way worse than Shinji could have possibly imagined.
"All the time it was 'lick me here, Artemis. Lick me there, Artemis.' I swear I lost over half the feeling in my tongue from all of that licking," the moon cat snarled.
"Okay, I think you've done your work well. I'm now permanently traumatized," Shinji said, really wanting to run away.
It was too late. Artemis was in full rant mode. " Orgies, orgies, orgies. And there was 'Hamsters are your friends, Artemis. Let them do that to you.' And then of course there was 'go ahead and let that nice man play with you. It'll be fun.' Artemis cringed. "The things that guy, Osca-"
"No more!" Shinji pleaded. Even Makoto was turning green.
Makoto picked up the moon penguin/cat and began stroking him.
Stroking his fur. Of course.
"Don't worry about it," she cooed. "You're safe here. Minako will never find you."
Shinji snorted in disgust. "Oh, and like that disguise is going to fool her. A five year old moron could see right through it."
"Mina's complimented me on my choice of pets and said she was considering getting a penguin herself," Makoto said.
"Only after she asked if she could borrow me." Artemis gave a shudder.
Deciding that he had enough of tales of sex, lies, and pussies (meaning cats, you perverts), Shinji decided to change the subject. "What's for dinner?"
"Jello shooters," Makoto answered. And the people at work thought she didn't know how to make a decent meal.
"That doesn't sound too healthy," Shinji said.
"Don't worry, I'll mix some screwdrivers too. A growing boy needs his vitamin C."
"Of course." After today, Shinji decided that getting drunk sounded like a pretty damn good idea to him. Like Makoto said on the way over, there was no problem so big that excessive amounts of alcohol couldn't solve it. Shinji suddenly had a lot of problems to solve. It was now evident that being a neglected child was infinitely preferable to being raised by his Mother.
And this was just the first day.
Chapter 2
Standard disclaimer No. I don't own any of the Evangelion or Sailor Moon characters
All C+C desired. You can contact me at
sommer@3rdm.net
[Writer's note. Sorry for the close posting of these two chapters. Originally I wrote them a year apart, however when posting it to the Fanfiction.net archive, I decided to combine them into one since each was so small to begin with. For two hours I toiled to make them flow well together, but I was satisified with the end results. A pity I forgot to save it as plain text before posting. _ So here now is what was supposed to be the second half of chapter 1, but is now chapter 2. This is also why the fic has an R rating.]
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Deciding compliance was for the best, Shinji did as his mother instructed and agreed to pilot the Eva. He finished putting on his plug suit and climbed onto the top of the entry plug of the EVA-01. Before entering it, he looked up to where his mother stood high above, watching everything through aloof eyes. "You know, Mother. This whole entry plug thing seems pretty phallic to me."
Usagi Ikari stared at her son through eyes devoid of emotion. "Of course. It is as I intended. As head of NERV, I am forced to make critical decisions about such things." She turned to Makoto and Rei, who had joined her in the Control Room, and whispered, "What does phallic mean?"
Makoto and Ami felt a mutual headache coming on. They flipped a coin to decide who would explain it to their leader and commander. Ami lost.
"It, you know, has to do with the, you know, stuff you used to, you know, do with your husband."
"Take long romantic walks in the park?" Usagi asked.
"No."
"Spend large amounts of time staring lovingly into each other's eyes?"
"No." Ami sighed, exasperated. "You know, this." She lowered her hand to her pelvis and made a back and forth motions with it.
"Shake hands with really short people?"
"No! It has to do with the penis! Shinji is saying there is a sort of symbolism between that and the entry plug into the EVA!"
"Oh," Usagi's eyes took on a knowing light, then a look of horror ran across her face. "Shinji! What on earth are they teaching you at school?! I never had thoughts along those lines when I was your age!"
Ami turned her attention to Shinji. "Besides, if you think that's bad, you should have seen where they originally put the entry plug on the Evas. It ended up right there." Ami gave a hard smack to Usagi's buttcheeks.
Shinji stared at Ami through half-lidded eyes. "You mean it was-"
"-called the 'Butt Plug' system," Makoto confirmed. "But the idea was quickly scrapped after there was an emergency ejection and no one would go near the plug."
"That the entry plugs were painted brown didn't help things either," Ami murmured.
Shinji cringed, suddenly realizing things could have been a lot worse. The current entry plug system worked fine for him. He proceeded to enter the plug, and was quickly shot into Unit-01. He examined his surroundings.
"What, no CD player?"
The familiar voice of Usagi came over one of the speakers in the plug. "There's nothing worth listening to nowadays since the Sailor Starlights were found beaten to death with a rubber dildo in some back alley."
"I don't want to know," Shinji said as his mind involuntarily tried to visualize the information he had just been told.
Usagi began giving orders. "Prepare for LCL injection."
"I don't do drugs!" Shinji protested.
"That's LSD, not LCL. Stupid git," Ami spat.
Usagi turned her attention to the three bridge bunnies on the lower command floor. "Makoto, inject the LCL into the plug."
"That's not my job!" Makoto, senshi of Jupiter, protested next to Usagi..
"Not you. I meant Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is," Usagi explained.
"Oh." Makoto relaxed.
"That's not my job either. It's Aoba's, ma'am," Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is pointed out.
"I knew that." Usagi gave him, 'the glare,' and Makoto What's His Name With The Glasses Who Went Unnamed For Nearly All of The Eva Series And Only True Eva Addicts Know What His Real Name Is cowered. Usagi made a mental note to have him replaced with some leftover cast member from Sailor Moon. Having two people with the same first name was going to be as confusing as hell, and it wasn't like anyone would miss the background character anyway. Hell, they'd probably think Hotaru had always been part of the original Evangelion series. Besides, Usagi was getting tired of thinking of him with all of those words added to his name.
"Aoba! Do the LCL thing!" Usagi ordered
Thankful that he didn't have the same name as one of the Sailor Moon cast and had some ridiculous declaration substituted for it, Aoba hit a button.
In the entry plug, Shinji noticed a liquid substance begin to rush in from faucets that had been cleverly disguised as faucets. "Hey! What's going on?!"
"It's a specially designed liquid to help you interface with the unit," Ami assured him.
"I'll drown!"
"No, you can breathe the LCL. Just open your mouth and try it," Ami said soothingly.
Once Shinji was completely submerged, he did as she asked.
"See," Ami cooed. "That wasn't so bad."
"Umm, Ami. Why are his eyes bulging?" Makoto asked as she watched the monitor of the interior of the plug.
"It takes a while to get used to LCL," Ami answered.
"And why is he not speaking to us even though his lips are moving?"
"Could be faulty speakers."
"And the reason he's making strangling motions with his hands?"
"He enjoys charades?"
Usagi appeared overjoyed at that. "Gendou-chan always enjoyed playing charades with me. Especially when he was choking on a chicken bone during dinners. Usually, it didn't take me more than a couple of minutes to figure out that he was trying to sign, 'Heimlich Maneuver'."
Aoba looked at his control panel and made a discovery. "Oh shit! I filled it with water instead of LCL!"
Usagi ripped the microphone out of Ami's hands and spoke to Shinji. "You're drowning? Is that what you're trying to tell us, Shinji?"
Shinji gave her a thumb's up sign.
"Ha! I knew I hadn't lost my touch," Usagi smirked.
"Flush the water and fill it with the LCL instead," Ami ordered.
After the switch was completed, and Shinji threw up all of the water, as well as the contents of his lunch, he recovered enough to have both him and his Eva shot to the surface. Immediately before him was the form of the first Angel he was going to have to fight: Sachiel.
"I need a weapon!" Shinji shouted, noticing a half dissolved French fry float past. He made a note never to throw up while in LCL ever again.
"Not yet," Usagi's voice came over the speaker "First you need to get the proper clothes."
"Proper clothes?" Shinji asked. What? Did she consider the Eva naked? And was that a mushroom that had passed by? He hadn't eaten any mushrooms
"To your right," Makoto's voice came over the loudspeaker. Shinji turned to see a building open up, revealing a false interior. Inside was a gigantic black cloak, white mask, and top hat that were all sized to fit the Eva.
"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said. Now the pickle he recognized.
"Hurry," Usagi's voice urged, "before the Youma-"
"Angel," Makoto corrected.
"-Angel attacks!".
"No way!" He had to run away. He had to run away.
"But Shinji, you're my son. My own flesh and blood."
Sniffling came over the intercom. Shinji recognized the signs and gave up before he was forced to bend unwillingly to his mother's demands. It took several moments of reluctant maneuvering to actually don the ridiculous garb on his Eva.
"You look just like your father," Usagi began to wail slightly over the intercom now.
Shinji rolled his eyes, then turned to confront the Angel. His sych-ratio with Unit-01 was so high that both he and it formed mutual sweatdrops.
"What's it doing?" Shinji asked as the Angel seemed to be engaged in some bizarre defense, rolling around on the ground and making weird noises.
"It's laughing." There was barely controlled amusement in Ami's voice. Other voices could be heard laughing in the background as well. "Just as ha! we hoped. It's so stupefied by your ha! appearance, it's unable to focus its AT field. Teeheeheehee."
Again Shinji was telling himself he had to run away when Makoto composed herself enough to say, "Punch the button on your left, next to the cappuccino machine. Then reach over your shoulder and grab the weapon."
Shinji found the button and pushed it. He then did as she said and reached up, grabbing onto something. He pulled back and brought the weapon into view. Another sweatdrop formed.
"It's a rose." He said it without the faintest hint of emotion in his voice.
"It's a prog rose," Makoto said. "Drive it into that red spot on the Angel and you'll destroy it. WAHAHAHAHAHA! He looks so stupid!"
Had Shinji any spine whatsoever, he would have tossed the rose away and left, never to go back to NERV again, and allow them to fall unto the mercy of Sachiel. But being essentially a gutless wimp, he did as he was told, drove the prog rose (which actually did cut very well) into the laughing Angel's core and destroyed it.
"Well, that was certainly exciting," Shinji said dryly as he looked at the dissolving Angel remains. After he took off the cloak and mask -the only way to make the others stop laughing at him- he returned to the holding cage where his mother and the other waited for him.
Usagi Ikari had once again composed herself. Her voice was cold and devoid of emotion. "Excellent work, Shinji. You showed grace and poise out there, risking your life to save humanity."
"I looked like a clown and stabbed a monster that couldn't defend itself with a rose. This is easily the lowest moment of my life."
"Ha!" Usagi said. "You think you have it tough? When I was your age, I ran around in a tiny fuku, shouting ridiculous things like 'In the name of the Moon, you shall be punished' at ludicrous monsters that looked like refugees from a Grade-B 50's Horror movie. You do that during your entire formative years and see how much integrity you have left."
"The uniform always made my thighs look fat," Ami admitted. "It was really embarrassing and ruined my self-esteem. It's probably why the boys almost never hit on me."
"That and the fact Minako usually greeted every guy we met with her legs wide open," Makoto agreed.
Usagi pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose again. "I believe I've done enough parenting for today. It's time to decide where Shinji's going to stay now that he's a part of NERV."
"I'm not staying with you?" Shinji asked.
"No."
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief.
Usagi left things in Ami's care and exited the room, tripping over her own ponytails only once. After Usagi was gone, Ami began to consider their options. "How old are you Shinji?"
"Thirteen."
"Still a virgin?"
Shinji blushed. "Ah, what does that have to do with trying to choose a place to stay?"
"Everything. Now answer the question."
"Yes."
"Want to stay that way?"
Shinji's blush deepened. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship like that, so yes, I'd like to stay that way for now."
"Cross Minako off then," Makoto said. "If it's male, she sleeps with it. You know her motto, 'if it can get hard, it can get off'."
"Would you mind living with a couple of lesbians?" Ami asked.
"I'm not sure I'm ready for that either." After Shinji met Kaji, and admitted he had passed up the opportunity to stay with a couple of lesbians, the older man beat the living crap out of him for "passing up the opportunity of a lifetime!"
"Cross Haruka and Michiru off," Makoto said.
"How do you feel about religious fanatics that see visions in their fires?"
"What are you talking about?!"
"Forget Rei," Makoto said.
Ami looked up to the ceiling. "How do you feel about drunks?"
"HEY!" Makoto shouted.
"I don't mind someone that likes to drink," Shinji said, afraid of what other options were going to be presented to him. Hanging out with a lush sounded at least relatively normal.
Makoto felt flattered that he'd pick her. She placed an arm around Shinji and brought him closer. "I guess it would be kind of fun having someone like you around. Buck up, Shinji. We've saved the world and you're going to be living with me. Let's go out and celebrate with my buddies, Jim and Jack."
"They're foreigners?" Shinji asked.
"They're not domestics, no," Makoto said. She felt happier than she had in a long time. It wasn't like she was getting close to marriage, and this might be the closest thing to a son she was ever going to have. A pity he reminded her of one of her old boyfriends though. That might complicate things. "I think we're going get along fine. Just fine, Shinji."
"We're home!" Makoto shouted as she ushered Shinji into the house.
Hearing the door open, a small animal made its way to the entryway.
"That's Pen-Pen," Makoto said as her pet came into view. "He's a special moon penguin."
"He's a bit furry."
"It helps to keep him warm."
"He has four legs."
"It's not like penguins can fly. His wings were useless anyway."
"And the tuxedo?"
"A problem with his coloring. He wouldn't be a penguin if he wasn't black and white."
"What about the pointed ears on the top of his head?"
"The better to hear you with, my dear."
"Of course. And the yellow bill?"
"What about it?"
"Not much. It's just plastic and is attached to his face by a rubber band."
"A horrible accident with a razor and a runaway zit."
"I see. You do realize THAT'S A CAT DRESSED UP LIKE A PENGUIN!!!" Shinji finally snapped.
Makoto was unaffected. "His grandfather was a cat, you know. Strong family resemblance is all that it is. He really is a penguin."
'Pen-Pen' sighed. "Hey, Mako, we'd better tell him the truth. He's not buying the disguise."
Shinji nodded his head in understanding. "Oh, he's a talking cat. Now it makes sense." Of course it didn't really make the least bit of sense, but his mind was ready to go bye-bye now, and it didn't particularly feel like dealing with talking cat/penguins.
"All right," Makoto finally relented. "His name is Artemis, and he is really a moon cat, not a moon penguin. He's hiding out here to avoid his former owner, Minako 'I carry more sperm in me than a boatload of horny sailors' Aino."
"How come?" Shinji asked Artemis, afraid of the answer while knowing deep down inside that he would never know sleep again unless he found out, no matter how twisted and sick the answer was probably going to be.
"I was tired of being used as a sex toy."
Oh, it was way worse than Shinji could have possibly imagined.
"All the time it was 'lick me here, Artemis. Lick me there, Artemis.' I swear I lost over half the feeling in my tongue from all of that licking," the moon cat snarled.
"Okay, I think you've done your work well. I'm now permanently traumatized," Shinji said, really wanting to run away.
It was too late. Artemis was in full rant mode. " Orgies, orgies, orgies. And there was 'Hamsters are your friends, Artemis. Let them do that to you.' And then of course there was 'go ahead and let that nice man play with you. It'll be fun.' Artemis cringed. "The things that guy, Osca-"
"No more!" Shinji pleaded. Even Makoto was turning green.
Makoto picked up the moon penguin/cat and began stroking him.
Stroking his fur. Of course.
"Don't worry about it," she cooed. "You're safe here. Minako will never find you."
Shinji snorted in disgust. "Oh, and like that disguise is going to fool her. A five year old moron could see right through it."
"Mina's complimented me on my choice of pets and said she was considering getting a penguin herself," Makoto said.
"Only after she asked if she could borrow me." Artemis gave a shudder.
Deciding that he had enough of tales of sex, lies, and pussies (meaning cats, you perverts), Shinji decided to change the subject. "What's for dinner?"
"Jello shooters," Makoto answered. And the people at work thought she didn't know how to make a decent meal.
"That doesn't sound too healthy," Shinji said.
"Don't worry, I'll mix some screwdrivers too. A growing boy needs his vitamin C."
"Of course." After today, Shinji decided that getting drunk sounded like a pretty damn good idea to him. Like Makoto said on the way over, there was no problem so big that excessive amounts of alcohol couldn't solve it. Shinji suddenly had a lot of problems to solve. It was now evident that being a neglected child was infinitely preferable to being raised by his Mother.
And this was just the first day.