~ Lian-hua
MY MAGNOLIA
CHAPTER THREE
It was a two day ride back to the Imperial City,
during which tension rose high between the pair. Mulan was still furious
at his intrusion in the temple, seething everytime she thought about it.
How dare he offer her pity in the place of comfort, when really it didn't
matter to him who she married. It certainly didn't matter that she was
marrying someone other than him, and that rankled most of all. She supposed
she felt betrayed, unforgivebly so, here she had harbored these not so
secret feelings, a fire he had fed with his quiet talks and pointed glances,
and he shook that off to pass her over to another man as though she were
a good horse. Something to admire which belonged to another, something
he could only dream would be his. But she doubt he even dreamed of anything
beyond carrying out the Emperor's command. Did this cold and devoted soldier
never stop to swoon at sunrises or admire the blush of pale flower blossoms?
They rode in silence, Mulan having nothing to say
to him nor he to her. Evidently, he took this escort duty to heart and
watched the road ahead of him with keen, unflinching eyes, if an assailant
lurked behind the deepest shadow he was not going to miss it. Well, he
could still hold his head up with pride at least, he wasn't the one crying
in his father's arms like a little girl. She wondered if he had ever cried,
too often those solemn dark eyes seemed too cold for tears.
Finally they stopped well after sun had slipped
behind the trees, the sky awash in darkening indigo, choosing a grassy
clearing safe from view. At once he began building a fire, then anounced
he would get her some supper. He seemed to forget she had been a soldier
too, that she had scurried about the most unpleasant of duites well he
sat aloof over a map with that same intent look on his face. It was a look
she had learned well, after many nights of studying him. His brow would
lower and his eyes would narrow and... She wanted to hit herself, fawning
like a girl over a pretty man.
Really, she could not complain, she thought as she
tasted the roasted rabbit and vegetables he offered her. He wasn't so bad
a cook, better than her anyway.
"Mulan," he addressed her at last with such sternness
in his voice he may as well have said "Ping." Stop acting foolish, stop
causing trouble, the voice said. "I know you're angry, but you have to
realize how the Emperor thinks. He thinks he has honored you by choosing
you as Liu Shitan's bride."
Ungrateful for the interruption, Mulan scowled at
her plate. "I don't feel honored at being thought of as expendible." What
was the matter with her? She had behaved this acidly before.
"Would you rather there be another war?" His tone
was ripe with impatience. How dare he! How dare he imply that she was being
selfish! "Thousands of people die. Truth to tell, I'm dissapointed in you,
Fa Mulan, I thought you loved your country more. Or is it as long as your
father is safe you could care less who dies. After all, there are plenty
of young men to fight for China."
She bounded to her feet. "How dare you!"
That night flashed behind her eyes again, the night
before she had left. You shouldn't have to go, there are plenty of young
men to fight for China. How did he know what she had said that night,
who had told him?
"I dare." His eyes were like black stones, shining
with anger. He may as well have held that sword above her again. Gods above,
how could he be so cruel. "You were so fearless and brave, I admired that,
now you're acting like a child. Even if you don't come to love him your
life will be better than most."
That cut too deep. He wanted her to marry
this king? He does not love me, she thought as she sank to the ground again,
he does not love me.
***
The second day started out worse.
She rode several yards behind him, making it perfectly
clear she was in no mood for conversation. Let him feel like a herald,
instead of a friend. Her eyes stung with tears each time she thought of
the previous night, how he was so cold and unfeeling. Not only did he approve
of her marrying another man, but he wanted her to be happy about it! It
was just too much for her stomach.
The only words she uttered to him that day were
to not bother fetching her dinner, she would rather starve, and if not
she would get it herself. He flinched as though she had thrown a rock at
him, but made no move to get his own supper either. Instead he left her
alone and went off, she had no idea where. Their little camp was no different
from last night's, a grassy spot surrounded by trees, the mountains in
the background like a misty painting. A stream rushed nearby, snaking behind
the hill and almost lost beyond a cluster of ferns. It was a pretty place,
too bad her foul mood had to spoil it.
An hour later, he returned, his hair wet and his
shirt hanging open as he often wore it. It was hard not to admire him,
his tall figure, his toned form, even if he was all good looks and no heart.
She watched covertly as he built a fire in his meticulous and orderly fashion,
walking over to feed and pet his horse with dignified affection. All the
while he never looked at her once, he seemed to forget her presence altogether.
After while she grew tired of watching, darkness
had spread and she decided to gather her things for her own bath. The cold
stream was enough to clear her thoughts, and cool her temper. She even
felt forgiving. Men were different, she reasoned it out, they did what
they were commanded and accepted it, they didn't waste their time with
wishing.
Shang was asleep when she made her way back in the
dark, she found that odd given he hadn't slept much when she was in the
army and didn't seem any worse for the wear because of it. Still,
she crept about as quietly as she could. spreading out her blankets and
laying down.
Sleep was impossible, she tossed and turned for
another hour, worrying and dreading her wedding day. What would this king
look like? Would he be an honorable man or a cruel husband? Would she be
one of ten wives? Finally, she gave up on sleep and crawled out of the
blankets.
Mulan stood over Shang a moment, gazing down at
him as he slept. The statueseque form, the strong arms hugging the blankets,
the sturdily handsome features of his face, how beautiful and perfect he
was. It did not matter anymore if she was a lovesick girl or not, who was
there to ridicule her but herself? She wondered what it would feel like
to have that strong arm embrace, to hear that commanding voice whisper
to her softly. A wistful sigh escaped her, she would never know love, not
this love.
She should have moved away when he stirred awake,
but she didn't, she stood there and pretended to be looking around her.
He raised his head quickly, eyes finding her in an instant. "Mulan?" he
sounded so worried. "Is something wrong?"
"Oh... I... " she faltered for an explaination the
way she had when he'd asked her name. "I was just scared and thinking."
Unfortunately it came out backwards.
"What?" He sat up, taking in their surroundings
in one glance. "Did you see something?"
Lowering herself to her knees, she placed a hand
on his arm. "No, no... I was thinking about my marriage and I couldn't
sleep."
"Ah," laying back down, he folded his hands behind
his head and looked up at her. "There really isn't much to worry about,
Mulan. You said yourself a wife's duty isn't much different from a soldier's.
It won't be any worse than boot camp." This was said with a crooked smile.
"But weren't you scared when we went into battle?"
He sighed. "There wasn't enough time to be scared,
not for myself anyway. One minute I was yelling at you, the next I was
pulling out an arrow praying to my Ancestors none of you would get killed.
I couldn't bear to see a comrade die. Were you afraid?" It was said without
scorn, he would think no less of her if she admitted it.
"I was with you." Did he not understand? That made
all difference in the world.
Reaching up, he patted her hand. "Well, you'll have
lots of handmaidens and eventually children to make sure you're never in
want of company. It won't be a hard life, that's for sure, better than
being a general."
"That's what I'm worred about," she confessed dryly.
"Your wedding night." It was so frank and matter
of fact that she felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. She had certainly
never discussed this before, except for a very delicate lecture from her
grandmother, but certainly never with a man! Yet he did not appear uncomfortable
with the subject in the least, he only nodded as though it were in the
order of things. "Well, no good man should find it too enjoyable with a
woman who is... less than willing."
Her face still flared, his easiness with the subject
revealed more than she needed to know about him. Still she wondered who,
and when, jealous and curious, and if he had loved her - or them. He was
a soldier, his life was rough either at camp or at war, a soldier took
whatever fleeting pleasures he could.
"I'm sorry, Mulan," he said after a moment of delicate
silence. "I meant no disrespect."
"I know," was all she said.
Yet he was gazing openly at her now, concerned and
almost protective, an upsoken promise to come to her aid should she need
it. The moon was bright, she could read his eyes clearly, he was touched
she had confided in him a moment ago. Her heart warmed, crying with impluse.
The seclusion and silence made her lose her reason. She murmured her brazen
wish.
"Kiss me, Shang, it isn't treason."
His eyes widened in disbelief, but he leaned forward
and obliged her.
Then he pulled back, keeping a proper distance.
"I was sent to protect you not take advantage." But he was breathless,
confused.
"Don't you feel anything?" She demanded, wanting
words, reassuring words, that at the very least he cared for her, that
he wished things were different.
He took her hand in his, so warm and gentle, so
torn. "I'm not allowed to," he said with quiet bitterness. Then he turned
away, fighting something, was it pain? Strangely it was enough.