Potter Wars!!!!!!!!
by Thomas Park (a.k.a. Huey Escobar)
The tiny escape pod hurtled down towards Number 4 Privet Drive. A parachute came out, but before it could unfold, the escape pod smashed into the ground.
Two hapless figures came out and surveyed the vast desert landscape.
"Oh no!!!!! We's in the middle of a waste land!!! We's doomed!!!!" screamed a tinfoil-clad elf.
A trash can, with a tiny owl inside it, hooted happily. It then gave a tiny chirp, and started rolling towards the horizon
"Pigwidgeon! Stop it! We's can't go there. We must find help!" said the elf.
The owl gave a rude blurp and continued rolling away. The agitated elf had no choice but to follow.
* * *
"$#@TJMr3krhnfe;athesrufheutr?" questioned a goblin.
"ARTailulifehsutfhaeiusltfgreutgfeurrdfgdfsguhyearuwe4rfayegtfukreisgfryurgea rtygare87 taroe7tareo87taretes7rto7ets7o8reyts87retysgyuhfyuh34re7a8oyu3q4ghwar7eo8yres87re," replied another goblin.
The two goblins pulled out rocks, and rushing forward, they threw them at poor Dobby and Pigwidgeon. Dobby and Pigwidgeon were knocked out cold.
When Dobby woke up, he was in a dark room. All around him, he could see former house elves, and moving boxes made of metal. He gave a woeful moan, and proceeded to look for Pigwidgeon.
* * *
"Harry? Harry? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?" screamed a thin, long-necked woman.
"I'm right here Aunt Petunia," chirped a skinny, black-haired boy, with glasses.
"Well get your ass moving! Uncle Vernon needs you!"
Harry sighed, and slowly walked over to where his uncle was, negotiating with some goblins on merchandise.
" Need any help, Uncle Vernon?" Harry politely asked.
" Harry, where the f*** were you?!?!" Forget it, just tell me if this house-elf is any good or not," bellowed his uncle.
Harry sighed again. To him, forcing elfs to work was nothing more than slavery. But then again, no one listened to him, and the Emacipation Proclamation had no effect where he was. Harry was the only one who knew how to pick the right merchandise, since he was the only one who didn't pick the cheapest one.
"Let's see. Hmmmm...well that gold tinfoil-clad one looks about new."
" Good, yes we'll take this one."
" Uhhh... what else do you need Uncle Vernon?"
"Nothing, I already got a mobile trash can."
The trash can began rolling towards the house when all of a sudden, the wheels flew off. The trash can fell over, and then exploded with a deafening bang,
" Damn, I should have known those were Firestone wheels!" yelled Uncle Vernon.
" Hmmm...shall I pick a new trash can?" asked Harry.
" Excuse me sirs, but I knows a good trash can. Its loyal and it moves on good wheels," squeaked the house-elf.
" Alright then, but if it explodes, you'll be cleaning the owl dung from our roof," said Uncle Vernon.
Dobby picked Pigwidgeon, and since Piwgidgeon moved on Goodyear wheels, the group uneventfully walked to the house.
As Harry was walking near his uncle, he decided to ask him the question that had been burning a hole in his heart.
"Uncle Vernon, now that we got a new trash can and a house-elf, would it be possible for me to go the Academy this year?"
" Absolutely not, This year is harvest year, and those drills aren't going to harvest themselves," was his uncle's curt reply.
" But that new house-elf will help!"
"That house-elf is too short to harvest the good drills. But how about this, you stay on for two more years and I promise you can go to the Academy."
"Really?" said Harry with a look full of wonder.
" Hah! Not likely! I just like to see your sad face when I crush your dreams." And with a cruel laugh, Uncle Vernon walked off.
* * *
Harry was cleaning the trash can of all the dirt it seemed to pick up. It gave a small hoot, when all of a sudden, it leaned forward and began playing a holographic movie.
A beautiful woman, with brown hair, kept on saying," Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope...Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope..."
Harry sat entranced, and immediately he fell in love. "Hey!" he asked Dobby," Can that thing do other things?"
"Sir, Pigwidgeon can do many things besides storing your waste sir," replied the jittery house-elf.
"Cool. Hey Pig, can you alter that image? You know, make her wear a bathing suit, lingerie, maybe nothing at all?"
Pig gave a rude response, and shut the recording off.
"Wait! Ok, how about you just tune into the Spice channel? C'mon, I'm your owner!"
Pig began rolling away.
"Hmmm...maybe he's got one of those V-chip things. Oh well. Dobby, can you tell me who that person was?"
"Most certainly sir. She is my old master, Princess Hermione. Very nice, except she had to drag us into the Rebellion."
"You were in the Rebellion?!?"
"Well, yes sir. mostly it was boring work...cleaning bathrooms and such."
"But did you see any fighting?"
"Well, not really. I did see one fight, but it was pretty boring."
"Wow. I wish I was in the Rebellion." Dreaming thoughts of glory, Harry went to sleep.
He woke up in the morning, with Dobby repeatedly pulling his sleeve.
"Oh wake up sir! Wake up! Pigwidgeon is gone!!"
" What?!?! Oh crap, Uncle Vernon is going to kill me."
"HARRY!!! Where the hell is that trashcan???? Some Imperial Wizards are coming and I need a place to stash my pot!!" screamed Uncle Vernon as he burst into the room.
"I don't know. I think he ran off. Hey! Maybe he went to look for Minnie McGonagall!" said Harry.
"Minnie? That old coot? Why the hell would you think that?"
"Well, it kept on playing a message asking for help for Minerva McGonagall. Maybe Minnie is a relative."
Uncle Vernon looked uneasy at the prospect of sending Harry to look for Minnie. But the Imperial wizards were coming closer. So he gave a great sigh and said," Go find that old coot."
Inside, Harry gave a whoop of delight. But he knew better than to look happy in front of Uncle Vernon. So with a look that suggested he tried sucking a lemon while getting bitten by a mutant frog, Harry ran out and jumped on his broomstick. It was an ancient Slow-Piece-Of-Crap and it sputtered as it lifted off the ground. Dobby also clambered aboard, so with the extra weight, the broom had a cruising speed slower than that of a caffienated snail.
Fortunately, although Pigwidgeon had Goodyear wheels, they weren't well made for the desert. So it only took five hours for Harry to catch up to it. Little did they know, they were being watched.
"Ugghhhhh, ughghhhh," said one cloaked figure.(Translation: Weird things coming)
"Ugghhghh Urrghhhhh," replied another.(Translation: Smash weird things, then eat at McDonalds. Today only 39 cent cheeseburgers)
* * *
"There you are Pigwidgeon. Look, I'm sorry I asked you for dirty pictures. I promise I won't do it again. Now will you please come back?" begged Harry.
Pigwidgeon hooted, then turned around.
"Thanks. now listen, we got to get back or else the Trolls will attack us. So..." Harry's words were cut short as a huge figure attacked him with an equally huge stick.
Harry, who used to be a Boy Scout, dropped down and pretended to be dead.
The Troll, who was closely related to the bear, ignored harry and proceeded to rip apart Harry's prized broomstick. But before the Slow-Piece-Of-Crap was damaged any further, a terrible sound stopped the Troll and his companion in ther tracks.
It was the sound of a Hungarian Horntail's mating call. And the Trolls knew better than to be near one of those things when they were horny. So with a great yelp of fright, they dashed off.
Harry still pretended to be dead, when a light tap made him open his eyes. He saw an old woman, with a stern face sotfened by age.
"Minnie?" he asked.
"Rest now boy. The trolls are gone," was her gentle reply.
Harry slowly got up and found Dobby and Pigwidgeon crouching behind a boulder. He turned back to the old lady and said,"We're looking for Minerva McGonagall."
Minnie froze, then a look of deep thinking crossed her eyes.
"Minerva McGonagall. Now that was a name that I didn't hear for a long, long, long, long, long..."
"We get the point. You didn't hear that name for a long time."
"Well if you must be so rude boy," Minnie snapped," I was going to tell you that Minerva McGonagall was me!"
"Well, why did you change your name?"
"A long time ago, the Emperor tried to track down many of us Aurors and kill us."
"Wait a minute. You mean you avoided detection from the most evil man in the galaxy by changing your first name?"
"Well, it wasn't a very thorough search."
"Oh."
"Anyways, I was an Auror, like many others. We were all sworn defenders of the Light Side. And sworn enemies of the Dark Side."
"Ummm, ok. So anyways, I have a message for you."
"Well, we better not stand in the sun any longer. Let's go to my house."
So the group tromped to McGonagall's house, which happened to be a weird-looking igloo type thing. Inside, Pigwidgeon began to play the full message.
"Minerva Mcgonagall, years ago my father knew you as..." immediately the image began to speak really fast and Harry saw that McGonagall was fast-forwarding Pigwidgeon.
"Hey, why are you doing that?" he asked.
"Oh come on. I already know this whole thing, I just need to listen to the good parts."
Finally she stopped fast-forwarding, and the Princess Hermione image began speaking at a regular pace. "...inside this trash can, I have placed the plans to a terrible battlestation. Please, you must get these plans to my father at the planet Hogsmeade. Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope."
A long silence, which was then broken by a loud sound of someone passing gas. Everone looked at Dobby, who smiled sheepishly. McGonagal then looked back at Harry, and said," You must learn the ways of the Auror."
"The Auror?"
"Yes. You must become an Auror like your father, and help me."
"Whoa whoa whoa. My father was an Auror? Then what happened to him?"
"Well...he, ummm..., ahem..." McGonagall then coughed and Harry heard a faint "died."
"He died!?!?"
"Well, actually, he was murdered by the evil Lord Snape."
"Snape?"
"Yes, a former pupil of mines. Unfortunately, he turned to the Dark Side."
"So what you're saying is, you want me to become an Auror so that I can get myself killed by an evil dark wizard? No thanks."
"But don't you want adventure?'
"Yeah, but the prospect of dying doesn't suit me."
" But I need help. I'm too old for this job."
"You don't look that old to me."
"Look kid, I get senior citizen discounts. That's old enough for me."
"But..."
Harry's words were interrupted when McGonagall switched on the T.V.
"Sorry dear, keep on talking, It's just that I love this show."
The T.V. screen showed several Imperial Wizards running around chasing people. Reggae music began playing to the lyrics:
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you
Nobody mon give no break
Sheriff mon give you no break, no break
Soldier mon give you no break
Death Eater mon give you no break
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you!
Then an announcer's voice yelled "Death Eaters! Showing you crime around the galaxy. We go behind the scenes to some of the seamiest places this side of the nebula."
Then a Death Eater introduced himself as Draco Malfoy. The shaky camera followed him as he and some other Death Eaters walked towards a house that Harry recognized as his own.
"Ah we are following a lead saying that the elf and the trash can we're tracking are right here. Ok Goyle, careful with that battering ram. People in position? Alright! Let's move!"
With that, Goyle broke down the door, and several Death Eaters, including Draco, rushed in, followed closely by the camera which jerked erratically up and down.
"Get down motherf*bleep*rs!!!" Get down on the ground. Move it!" Draco yelled.
"What the *bleep* are you doing? Oh *bleep*," yelled Uncle Vernon.
Aunt Petunia shrieked but stopped as two Death Eaters threw her down on the ground.
"All right, hands to the side. No sudden movements. I said no *bleep*ing sudden movements!" screamed Draco as he kicked Uncle Vernon in the side.
"I didn't make any *bleep*ing movements!" bellowed Vernon.
"Don't give me any *bleep* you hear mother*bleep*er?" Draco now had his wand pointed at Uncle Vernon's back. "Now all's I'm gonna do is ask you some questions. You answer them and you won't get no *bleep* from me. Ya hear?"
"*bleep* you," was Vernon's curt reply.
"Piece of *bleep*!" said Draco with a vicious kick.
"*bleep*!" gasped Vernon.
"Alright now. About the questions. Did you or did you not purchase any house-elves or mobile trashcans?"
"I did, but I'm *bleep*ing telling you, that it was *bleep*ing legit."
"Shut the *bleep* up. Now where are these house-elves and trash cans?"
"How the *bleep* should I know? Harry took them! Go attack Harry."
"Yeah whatever."
"I'm telling ya..." Vernon's words were cut off as another Death Eater entered holding a bag filled with dry brown stuff.
"We got some narcotics here sir," he said to Draco.
"Well, well, well. How the *bleep* do you explain this?" Draco asked, holding the bag in front of Vernon's nose.
"Oh *bleep*! That *bleep* ain't mine. It's...it's...Potter's! Yeah, that's right, Potter! That lousy *bleep* mother*bleep*er didn't get rid of that *bleep* like I asked."
"Sure, you stupid piece of *bleep*!"
"Alright! That's enough you *bleep*er!!!" And with a trememdous roar Vernon lunged at Draco.
There was an intense struggle, with several wizards throwing hexes and shouting "*bleep*!" The confusion was made even worse by the camera, which couldn't center the action and kept on moving down to the ground or up at the ceiling.
In the end, the camera once again centered on Draco, who was giving his thoughts on the case.
"Well, we didn't find the things we were looking for. And because of that *bleep*hole's stupidity, we had to kill both him and his wife. However, that mother*bleep*er was a major drug king, and we managed to topple his evil empire. As for all the reefers, we are ah, currently holding them for evidence."
The camera shifted to the side to reveal two Death Eaters who busy smoking what looked like weed. It shifted back to Draco who had an oh-crap experession on hi face. The show then ended.
Harry got up, and immediately ran outside. McGonagall yelled for Harry to stop and said, " It's too late Harry. You can't help your aunt and uncle."
"Who said anything about helping them? I just want to make sure they're dead." And with those words, Harry sped off.
Because the wind was with him, Harry arrived at his house in 4 hours, 59 minutes. AS soon as he saw the house in rubble and his relatives' charred bodies, he began to jump for joy. He took out a tape and put it in a cassette player. The words "Celebrate good times, come on!" began playing. As Harry was dancing, McGonagall finally caught up to hi on her own broomstick. She jumpped off, and slowly walked to where Harry was doing the Macarena.
"Well Harry, now that you have no place to go, will you join me now?"
"Hmmm...well I guess I really have no choice. Will I be able to rescue that beautiful girl and have her fall in love with me, and be a hero who will have a movie made about him that will make millions of dollars?!?!?!?"
"Harry, I can almost guarantee that."
With those words, Harry, McGonagall, Dobby, and Pigwidgeon traveled to the leaky cauldron.
Disclaimer: Yes I own nothing. Harry and crew belong to J.K. Rowling, the idea belongs to George Lucas, Death Eaters is a rip-off Cops, and I will probably post the sequel a week from now. Oh yeah, besides Wizard Worz, what other Harry Potter/Star Wars fanfics are there? And please r/r!!!!!!!
by Thomas Park (a.k.a. Huey Escobar)
The tiny escape pod hurtled down towards Number 4 Privet Drive. A parachute came out, but before it could unfold, the escape pod smashed into the ground.
Two hapless figures came out and surveyed the vast desert landscape.
"Oh no!!!!! We's in the middle of a waste land!!! We's doomed!!!!" screamed a tinfoil-clad elf.
A trash can, with a tiny owl inside it, hooted happily. It then gave a tiny chirp, and started rolling towards the horizon
"Pigwidgeon! Stop it! We's can't go there. We must find help!" said the elf.
The owl gave a rude blurp and continued rolling away. The agitated elf had no choice but to follow.
* * *
"$#@TJMr3krhnfe;athesrufheutr?" questioned a goblin.
"ARTailulifehsutfhaeiusltfgreutgfeurrdfgdfsguhyearuwe4rfayegtfukreisgfryurgea rtygare87 taroe7tareo87taretes7rto7ets7o8reyts87retysgyuhfyuh34re7a8oyu3q4ghwar7eo8yres87re," replied another goblin.
The two goblins pulled out rocks, and rushing forward, they threw them at poor Dobby and Pigwidgeon. Dobby and Pigwidgeon were knocked out cold.
When Dobby woke up, he was in a dark room. All around him, he could see former house elves, and moving boxes made of metal. He gave a woeful moan, and proceeded to look for Pigwidgeon.
* * *
"Harry? Harry? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?" screamed a thin, long-necked woman.
"I'm right here Aunt Petunia," chirped a skinny, black-haired boy, with glasses.
"Well get your ass moving! Uncle Vernon needs you!"
Harry sighed, and slowly walked over to where his uncle was, negotiating with some goblins on merchandise.
" Need any help, Uncle Vernon?" Harry politely asked.
" Harry, where the f*** were you?!?!" Forget it, just tell me if this house-elf is any good or not," bellowed his uncle.
Harry sighed again. To him, forcing elfs to work was nothing more than slavery. But then again, no one listened to him, and the Emacipation Proclamation had no effect where he was. Harry was the only one who knew how to pick the right merchandise, since he was the only one who didn't pick the cheapest one.
"Let's see. Hmmmm...well that gold tinfoil-clad one looks about new."
" Good, yes we'll take this one."
" Uhhh... what else do you need Uncle Vernon?"
"Nothing, I already got a mobile trash can."
The trash can began rolling towards the house when all of a sudden, the wheels flew off. The trash can fell over, and then exploded with a deafening bang,
" Damn, I should have known those were Firestone wheels!" yelled Uncle Vernon.
" Hmmm...shall I pick a new trash can?" asked Harry.
" Excuse me sirs, but I knows a good trash can. Its loyal and it moves on good wheels," squeaked the house-elf.
" Alright then, but if it explodes, you'll be cleaning the owl dung from our roof," said Uncle Vernon.
Dobby picked Pigwidgeon, and since Piwgidgeon moved on Goodyear wheels, the group uneventfully walked to the house.
As Harry was walking near his uncle, he decided to ask him the question that had been burning a hole in his heart.
"Uncle Vernon, now that we got a new trash can and a house-elf, would it be possible for me to go the Academy this year?"
" Absolutely not, This year is harvest year, and those drills aren't going to harvest themselves," was his uncle's curt reply.
" But that new house-elf will help!"
"That house-elf is too short to harvest the good drills. But how about this, you stay on for two more years and I promise you can go to the Academy."
"Really?" said Harry with a look full of wonder.
" Hah! Not likely! I just like to see your sad face when I crush your dreams." And with a cruel laugh, Uncle Vernon walked off.
* * *
Harry was cleaning the trash can of all the dirt it seemed to pick up. It gave a small hoot, when all of a sudden, it leaned forward and began playing a holographic movie.
A beautiful woman, with brown hair, kept on saying," Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope...Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope..."
Harry sat entranced, and immediately he fell in love. "Hey!" he asked Dobby," Can that thing do other things?"
"Sir, Pigwidgeon can do many things besides storing your waste sir," replied the jittery house-elf.
"Cool. Hey Pig, can you alter that image? You know, make her wear a bathing suit, lingerie, maybe nothing at all?"
Pig gave a rude response, and shut the recording off.
"Wait! Ok, how about you just tune into the Spice channel? C'mon, I'm your owner!"
Pig began rolling away.
"Hmmm...maybe he's got one of those V-chip things. Oh well. Dobby, can you tell me who that person was?"
"Most certainly sir. She is my old master, Princess Hermione. Very nice, except she had to drag us into the Rebellion."
"You were in the Rebellion?!?"
"Well, yes sir. mostly it was boring work...cleaning bathrooms and such."
"But did you see any fighting?"
"Well, not really. I did see one fight, but it was pretty boring."
"Wow. I wish I was in the Rebellion." Dreaming thoughts of glory, Harry went to sleep.
He woke up in the morning, with Dobby repeatedly pulling his sleeve.
"Oh wake up sir! Wake up! Pigwidgeon is gone!!"
" What?!?! Oh crap, Uncle Vernon is going to kill me."
"HARRY!!! Where the hell is that trashcan???? Some Imperial Wizards are coming and I need a place to stash my pot!!" screamed Uncle Vernon as he burst into the room.
"I don't know. I think he ran off. Hey! Maybe he went to look for Minnie McGonagall!" said Harry.
"Minnie? That old coot? Why the hell would you think that?"
"Well, it kept on playing a message asking for help for Minerva McGonagall. Maybe Minnie is a relative."
Uncle Vernon looked uneasy at the prospect of sending Harry to look for Minnie. But the Imperial wizards were coming closer. So he gave a great sigh and said," Go find that old coot."
Inside, Harry gave a whoop of delight. But he knew better than to look happy in front of Uncle Vernon. So with a look that suggested he tried sucking a lemon while getting bitten by a mutant frog, Harry ran out and jumped on his broomstick. It was an ancient Slow-Piece-Of-Crap and it sputtered as it lifted off the ground. Dobby also clambered aboard, so with the extra weight, the broom had a cruising speed slower than that of a caffienated snail.
Fortunately, although Pigwidgeon had Goodyear wheels, they weren't well made for the desert. So it only took five hours for Harry to catch up to it. Little did they know, they were being watched.
"Ugghhhhh, ughghhhh," said one cloaked figure.(Translation: Weird things coming)
"Ugghhghh Urrghhhhh," replied another.(Translation: Smash weird things, then eat at McDonalds. Today only 39 cent cheeseburgers)
* * *
"There you are Pigwidgeon. Look, I'm sorry I asked you for dirty pictures. I promise I won't do it again. Now will you please come back?" begged Harry.
Pigwidgeon hooted, then turned around.
"Thanks. now listen, we got to get back or else the Trolls will attack us. So..." Harry's words were cut short as a huge figure attacked him with an equally huge stick.
Harry, who used to be a Boy Scout, dropped down and pretended to be dead.
The Troll, who was closely related to the bear, ignored harry and proceeded to rip apart Harry's prized broomstick. But before the Slow-Piece-Of-Crap was damaged any further, a terrible sound stopped the Troll and his companion in ther tracks.
It was the sound of a Hungarian Horntail's mating call. And the Trolls knew better than to be near one of those things when they were horny. So with a great yelp of fright, they dashed off.
Harry still pretended to be dead, when a light tap made him open his eyes. He saw an old woman, with a stern face sotfened by age.
"Minnie?" he asked.
"Rest now boy. The trolls are gone," was her gentle reply.
Harry slowly got up and found Dobby and Pigwidgeon crouching behind a boulder. He turned back to the old lady and said,"We're looking for Minerva McGonagall."
Minnie froze, then a look of deep thinking crossed her eyes.
"Minerva McGonagall. Now that was a name that I didn't hear for a long, long, long, long, long..."
"We get the point. You didn't hear that name for a long time."
"Well if you must be so rude boy," Minnie snapped," I was going to tell you that Minerva McGonagall was me!"
"Well, why did you change your name?"
"A long time ago, the Emperor tried to track down many of us Aurors and kill us."
"Wait a minute. You mean you avoided detection from the most evil man in the galaxy by changing your first name?"
"Well, it wasn't a very thorough search."
"Oh."
"Anyways, I was an Auror, like many others. We were all sworn defenders of the Light Side. And sworn enemies of the Dark Side."
"Ummm, ok. So anyways, I have a message for you."
"Well, we better not stand in the sun any longer. Let's go to my house."
So the group tromped to McGonagall's house, which happened to be a weird-looking igloo type thing. Inside, Pigwidgeon began to play the full message.
"Minerva Mcgonagall, years ago my father knew you as..." immediately the image began to speak really fast and Harry saw that McGonagall was fast-forwarding Pigwidgeon.
"Hey, why are you doing that?" he asked.
"Oh come on. I already know this whole thing, I just need to listen to the good parts."
Finally she stopped fast-forwarding, and the Princess Hermione image began speaking at a regular pace. "...inside this trash can, I have placed the plans to a terrible battlestation. Please, you must get these plans to my father at the planet Hogsmeade. Help me Minerva McGonagall, you're my only hope."
A long silence, which was then broken by a loud sound of someone passing gas. Everone looked at Dobby, who smiled sheepishly. McGonagal then looked back at Harry, and said," You must learn the ways of the Auror."
"The Auror?"
"Yes. You must become an Auror like your father, and help me."
"Whoa whoa whoa. My father was an Auror? Then what happened to him?"
"Well...he, ummm..., ahem..." McGonagall then coughed and Harry heard a faint "died."
"He died!?!?"
"Well, actually, he was murdered by the evil Lord Snape."
"Snape?"
"Yes, a former pupil of mines. Unfortunately, he turned to the Dark Side."
"So what you're saying is, you want me to become an Auror so that I can get myself killed by an evil dark wizard? No thanks."
"But don't you want adventure?'
"Yeah, but the prospect of dying doesn't suit me."
" But I need help. I'm too old for this job."
"You don't look that old to me."
"Look kid, I get senior citizen discounts. That's old enough for me."
"But..."
Harry's words were interrupted when McGonagall switched on the T.V.
"Sorry dear, keep on talking, It's just that I love this show."
The T.V. screen showed several Imperial Wizards running around chasing people. Reggae music began playing to the lyrics:
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you
Nobody mon give no break
Sheriff mon give you no break, no break
Soldier mon give you no break
Death Eater mon give you no break
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you
Bad wizards, bad wizards
What'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do when they come for you!
Then an announcer's voice yelled "Death Eaters! Showing you crime around the galaxy. We go behind the scenes to some of the seamiest places this side of the nebula."
Then a Death Eater introduced himself as Draco Malfoy. The shaky camera followed him as he and some other Death Eaters walked towards a house that Harry recognized as his own.
"Ah we are following a lead saying that the elf and the trash can we're tracking are right here. Ok Goyle, careful with that battering ram. People in position? Alright! Let's move!"
With that, Goyle broke down the door, and several Death Eaters, including Draco, rushed in, followed closely by the camera which jerked erratically up and down.
"Get down motherf*bleep*rs!!!" Get down on the ground. Move it!" Draco yelled.
"What the *bleep* are you doing? Oh *bleep*," yelled Uncle Vernon.
Aunt Petunia shrieked but stopped as two Death Eaters threw her down on the ground.
"All right, hands to the side. No sudden movements. I said no *bleep*ing sudden movements!" screamed Draco as he kicked Uncle Vernon in the side.
"I didn't make any *bleep*ing movements!" bellowed Vernon.
"Don't give me any *bleep* you hear mother*bleep*er?" Draco now had his wand pointed at Uncle Vernon's back. "Now all's I'm gonna do is ask you some questions. You answer them and you won't get no *bleep* from me. Ya hear?"
"*bleep* you," was Vernon's curt reply.
"Piece of *bleep*!" said Draco with a vicious kick.
"*bleep*!" gasped Vernon.
"Alright now. About the questions. Did you or did you not purchase any house-elves or mobile trashcans?"
"I did, but I'm *bleep*ing telling you, that it was *bleep*ing legit."
"Shut the *bleep* up. Now where are these house-elves and trash cans?"
"How the *bleep* should I know? Harry took them! Go attack Harry."
"Yeah whatever."
"I'm telling ya..." Vernon's words were cut off as another Death Eater entered holding a bag filled with dry brown stuff.
"We got some narcotics here sir," he said to Draco.
"Well, well, well. How the *bleep* do you explain this?" Draco asked, holding the bag in front of Vernon's nose.
"Oh *bleep*! That *bleep* ain't mine. It's...it's...Potter's! Yeah, that's right, Potter! That lousy *bleep* mother*bleep*er didn't get rid of that *bleep* like I asked."
"Sure, you stupid piece of *bleep*!"
"Alright! That's enough you *bleep*er!!!" And with a trememdous roar Vernon lunged at Draco.
There was an intense struggle, with several wizards throwing hexes and shouting "*bleep*!" The confusion was made even worse by the camera, which couldn't center the action and kept on moving down to the ground or up at the ceiling.
In the end, the camera once again centered on Draco, who was giving his thoughts on the case.
"Well, we didn't find the things we were looking for. And because of that *bleep*hole's stupidity, we had to kill both him and his wife. However, that mother*bleep*er was a major drug king, and we managed to topple his evil empire. As for all the reefers, we are ah, currently holding them for evidence."
The camera shifted to the side to reveal two Death Eaters who busy smoking what looked like weed. It shifted back to Draco who had an oh-crap experession on hi face. The show then ended.
Harry got up, and immediately ran outside. McGonagall yelled for Harry to stop and said, " It's too late Harry. You can't help your aunt and uncle."
"Who said anything about helping them? I just want to make sure they're dead." And with those words, Harry sped off.
Because the wind was with him, Harry arrived at his house in 4 hours, 59 minutes. AS soon as he saw the house in rubble and his relatives' charred bodies, he began to jump for joy. He took out a tape and put it in a cassette player. The words "Celebrate good times, come on!" began playing. As Harry was dancing, McGonagall finally caught up to hi on her own broomstick. She jumpped off, and slowly walked to where Harry was doing the Macarena.
"Well Harry, now that you have no place to go, will you join me now?"
"Hmmm...well I guess I really have no choice. Will I be able to rescue that beautiful girl and have her fall in love with me, and be a hero who will have a movie made about him that will make millions of dollars?!?!?!?"
"Harry, I can almost guarantee that."
With those words, Harry, McGonagall, Dobby, and Pigwidgeon traveled to the leaky cauldron.
Disclaimer: Yes I own nothing. Harry and crew belong to J.K. Rowling, the idea belongs to George Lucas, Death Eaters is a rip-off Cops, and I will probably post the sequel a week from now. Oh yeah, besides Wizard Worz, what other Harry Potter/Star Wars fanfics are there? And please r/r!!!!!!!