Potter Wars!!!!!!!
By Thomas Park (a.k.a. grumpy old man)
When we last left our heroes, they are going in search of a bar. Now we go to Princess Hermione, who was captured by the Imperial Wizards. (ominous music plays)
"Now Princess Hermione, I believe the question I'm going to ask you is where is the location of the Rebel base??" said an evil man in a mask and hooded cloak.
"Screw you, you old pervert!" shouted the defiant Princess.
"Oh come on! I mean really. You know you're going to die a terrible death. So let's drop this whole stupid, I'm-so-brave bit."
"No!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"Pretty please?"
"No!"
"Pretty please with cherries on top? With chopped nuts, whipped cream, and crumbled up cookie things?"
"No!"
"Crumbled up Oreo cookies?"
"No! And stop this whole stupid dessert crap!"
"Hmmm... well I believe the time has come for drastic action. Men, bring in plan B!"
"Sir?" asked one of the soldiers. "Not plan B!?!?!?!?!?"
"Yes," replied Snape." Plan B!"
The men looked at each other with fear on their faces. They slowly walked out of the interrogation room, and came back, carrying a man-sized box. Slowly, as if the slightest mistake would kill them, they lifted the top of the box.
A tall, orange, grotesque, amphibious creature with huge ears and lanky limbs, jumped out.
"Hello! Meesa Jar Jar Binks!" said the creature.
"Nooooooooo!" screamed Hermione. "No, you can't do this!"
"I'm the bad guy! I can do whatever crazy shit I want!" yelled Snape. "And if you think that's it..." He clapped his hands, and the Imperial wizards took out a stereo and a T.V. "We'll be playing nonstop hours of Barney on this T.V. And Jar Jar here will dance to the tune of Mmmbop while telling you stories of his family's history! Muwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!"
Hermione braced herself for the oncoming pain. She knew that no matter what, she must be strong. The Rebellion was counting on her.
* * *
"So is this the place?" asked a young boy with glasses.
"Yes. This is the Leaky Cauldron. Here, we will find the best smuggler pilots unwinding after a hard days work," replied a severe-looking woman.
Just then, several pilots came stumbling out of the bar. One kneeled down and threw up, the other tripped on him. The third one stood there laughing, and began urinating against a dumpster.
Harry mumbled, " The best, huh?" before walking in.
Crazy Muzak music was playing, and Harry saw some of the craziest creatures ever. There were several species with glazed eyes and grungy hair, no wait, those are hippies. Well, there were some weird things out there. Most of these creature you wouldn't see unless you took some 'shrooms or acid.
Harry went to sit down at one of the seats and asked the bartender for a butterbeer. Out of nowhere, a creature with an ass for a face came up to him, and started mumbling.
"What?" asked Harry.
The creature seemed infuriated and began pushing Harry. Just then, a guy who looked like his toddler had gotten hold of a nailgun said,"He doesn't like you."
"Obviously," said Harry. "What's his problem? Did his mouth become constipated?"
"No you idiot! I don't like you! We are WANTED men!!"
"Uhuh."
"Yes. We stole a paper clip from an old lady, and now EVERY imperial wizard is after us. Hahahahaha!!!!"
"Riiiiiight. You know what? I think I will be going now."
"Alright you piece of tofu! I'll kill you!" And with that, the deformed guy lunged at Harry. Harry dodged the guy, who went sprawling into ass-face. The guy got up, and lit a lighter, obviously planning to use it as a weapon. Most unfortunately, the lighter was near ass-face's face, who then farted (or burped, you can't tell with an ass-face). In Nutty Professor-style, the two guys exploded.
"Harry? come on, I found us a ship," said McGonagall, stepping over the pieces of debris.
They walked over to a table, where a freckeled-face man, with flaming red hair, sat. His copilot was an enormous man with shaggy hair.
"How you doin'? The name's Weasely, Ron Weasely" said the red-haired man. "This here's my copilot, Hagrid. He don't know English, but don't worry, i can translate for you."
"What yeh bin' talkin' 'bout? I know 'erfect English!" shouted the huge man.
"See what I mean. He's just asking for money so he can buy more booze. I swear Hagrid, we're going to have to break that nasty drinking habit of yours."
"Oh, the'll be sum breakin' alrigh'. If I didn' need ah job, I'd wring yah neck yeh 'tupid piece of shi'!"
"He's just telling me how much he appreciates my efforts to help him."
"Charming. Listen, we need a ship, a fast ship, that can get us to the Hogsmeade system," said McGonagall.
"Any cargo?"
"Just a house-elf and a trashcan."
"That it?"
"And no questions asked."
"Oh, I get it. Ok, we'll make the trip to Los Angeles, but I'm telling ya, those U.S. customs agents are gonna cost ya."
"No, no, no. We're not smuggling drugs. Listen, just get us to Hogsmeade."
"Alright. But it'll still cost you. Hmmm... 10,000 Galleons?"
"Hell no. I could buy my own ship, house, and personal staff with that kind of money!" exclaimed Harry.
"You think I give a damn? 7,000."
"1,000," said Harry.
"5,000, and that's my final offer."
"1,000."
"4,000, and that's my final offer."
"1,000."
"2,000, and that's my final offer."
"1,000."
"1,000, and that's my final offer."
"900."
"500, and that's my final offer."
"100."
"50, and that's my final offer."
"10."
"5, and that's my final offer."
"1 Galleon."
"Deal." Ron then turned to Hagrid and whispered, "Ha, pretty good bargaining, huh? Don't worry, someday I'll teach you that."
Hagrid let out a moan and said," If I negotiated like tha', I wouldn' fear losin' meh money."
"Yes, Hagrid, I know you're hungry."
* * *
Elswhere in the galaxy.
"So Lord Snape? Your attempts to torture Hermione failed," sneered Moff Lucius. They were in a boardroom, along with every other important goverment official onboard the Dark Mark.
"Don't worry, it's only a matter of time," replied Snape.
"We already gave you enough time. Why haven't you produced any results?" sneered Karkaroff, another government official. Karkaroff was one of those people who can be described by only one word: ass.
"Princess Hermione has a strong will," Snape patiently said,
"Oh, I see. And where is your Power now? Huh?"
"Don't underestimate the power of the Power."
"Haha. Don't make us laugh Snape. The Aurors used the *power*, and look where it got them."
"Oh yeah? The Emperor himself uses the Power so there."
"Yeah, but he knows how to use it. You, on the other hand suck."
Snape could feel rising anger, but decided he had to control it.
"I have had enough of this."
"Ooohhh. Leaving now? Not so brave are you?"
"Please do not taunt me any further."
"Ooh. (in mocking tone) Please don't taunt me any further. Ooh, I'm so scared Snape. What'cha going to do? What'cha going to do? What a loser!"
Snape thought, just remember, they're only words. His thoughts were broken when he felt something pelt his head. It was a peanut. The air became thick with them as Karkaroff began to mercilessly pelt Snape.
"Stop it! I order you to stop it!" Snape yelled.
"Haha, what a dumbass. What's the matter? Can't fight?"
At last, Snape lost his temper. He pulled out his wand and yelled, "Crucio!" Karkaroff began writhing in pain for 15 long minutes. At last, Snape lifted the spell.
Karkaroff, breathing heavily, looked up at Snape, and grinned. "Haha!" he exclaimed. "That's it? What sort of weak shit is that? My grandmother can do a better Crucio than you, and she's dead!"
Snape gave a gasp of frustration.
"Man, this fool is so weak, a neutered fly can kick his ass!"
Slowly, Snape began to turn red again.
"And that's not all. His hair is so greasy, McDonald's fries are considered fat-free compared to it."
Snape pulled open a drawr, which had a remote.
"Also, this jerk-off's nose hairs are so thick, several endangered species have found refuge there!"
Snape took the remote.
"Don't forget how Snape's nose got him sued by the Fruit Loops's Toucan."
Snape aimed the remote at Karkaroff, who was in the middle of saying, "Finally, his dick's so sma-" before his chair jumped up and propelled him towards the ceiling. A chute opened, and Karkaroff went flying through this until he flew out of the space station and into space itself. A few seconds later, Karkaroff's head expanded and blew up. He should have taken Mylanta.
Snape took a deep breath, and said,"Now that the ass has finally left us, let's resume our business of what we're going to do about Princess Hermione."
"Well," said Moff Lucius. "We're near the Hogsmeade system, her former home, and we need to test this battlestation. I'm sure she would love to see a demonstration." With that, Lucius Malfoy gave a cruel laugh. Except for him, the room was silent. Lucius gave everyone a big glare, and then they all started laughing evilly.
* * *
Princess Hermione silently trudged up to the main viewing deck, flanked on both sides by Imperial Wizards. Already, she was weakened by the torture, but she decided to keep her appearance strong. At last, she saw a group of people containing some of the most hated men in the galaxy.
She smiled sweetly and said, "Moff Lucius, I should have recognized your foul-stench when I came on board."
Lucius panicked and said, "Really?! But the cashier said this deodarant would actually work!"
Snape cut in, "Forget it Lucius. Princess Hermione, notice that blue planet there? It's Hogsmeade, and we are going to test this battlestation's ultimate power on it."
Hermione paled, and said, "You wouldn't. You can't! Hogsmeade is a peaceful planet! We have no weapons, no violence, even M rated video games are banned!"
"Well if you don't want that planet destroyed, you can always tell us where the Rebel base is," said Lucius.
Princess Hermione seemed to be fighting inside, but one more look at her beautiful planet made her decision. She whispered, "Denny'sland," before turning her head down in defeat.
"Excellent. That wasn't too hard was it? Commander, prepare the battlestation. Target: Hogsmeade."
"What?!?!" yelled Hermione.
"So I lied," Lucius nonchalantly said. "Really, did you expect me to spare such a juicy target? What a dumbass."
Hermione yelled, "You dickwad!" but was held back by several Imperial Wizards.
The huge battlestation, which looked like a skull, opened it's mouth. An enormous snake popped out, and then it's eyes glowed green and it hissed. A beam of green light shot from it, and missed Hogsmeade. Instead, it hit the planet next to it.
"You idiot!" shouted Moff Lucius. "That was my vacation house!"
"My bad, sir," repled a cross-eyed man. "I'm an asshole."
"Good God, I thought we stopped hiring your kind after Spaceballs," said Lucius.
"There was an employee shortage, sir."
"Oh forget it. Keep firing, asshole."
The green beam shot out again, this time narrowly grazing Snape's vacation house, but hitting Hogsmeade. The planet exploded in a beautiful display of sparks and movie pyrotechnics.
* * *
McGonagall suddenly keeled over in pain. Frightened, Harry asked what was wrong.
"I felt a tremendous pain, as if millions of voices cried out in anguish and died."
"Hmmm...sounds to me like gas," said Ron. "My advice is to lay off the Mexican food."
McGonagall glared at him. Ever since she saw his ship, which Harry called a "piece of shit" and saw him make the mistake of crashing into an Imperial search ship, and getting them chased by a million units, she didn't take too kindly to Ron. She turned to Harry, who was practicing with a wand saber, blindfolded.
"Remember Harry, let the Power flow through you," said McGonagall.
Ron scoffed, and Harry, who got bit by the mosquito he was trying to kill, took off his blindfold and said, "You don't believe in the Power do you?"
"Kid, I've been to one end of the galaxy to the other. I've eaten at every kind of fast food joint. I've seen animals with asses for their faces. But I've never heard of some kind of Power that controls things. If you ask me, all you need is a good wand by your side. Not a wand saber."
Harry was just about to respond, when the ship gave a warning beep. Ron ran to the cockpit and announced, "We're here. Hogsmeade, here I come."
The ship exited out right into the middle of a meteor field. Meteors, the size of houses, bashed into the ship.
"You idoit!" We're in the middle of a meteor shower!" shouted McGonagall.
"I don't understand! My compass should work!" shouted Ron.
All of a sudden, a huge jolt shook the ship.
"Uhhh... I think we're caught in a tractor beam," said Harry.
"Not to worry, all I have to do is push the anit-tractor beam. Ok then..." Ron pushed a button, and all of a sudden, the ship accelerated right into the battlestation. "Whoops. I should have taken Pilot's Ed."
Harry just had enough time to say, "You dumbass!" before the ship was engulfed by the Dark Mark.
* * *
"Sir, unidentified ship captured," said a young Imperial Wizard.
Lord Snape looked at the ship. It was a piece of junk, and already, it was stinking up the hangar. "Quickly search the ship."
"Yes sir."
Snape saw the young man, in uniform robes and mask, walk onto the deck with a squad. He came out looking shorter, and the other members of the squad looked different also. One of them was way too big and shaggy. The others were too short.
"Did you see anything?" Snape queried.
"Ah no sir," answered the man. His voice had changed too. Also, Snape felt a presence, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Ah, it was probably gas. "Very well then. Carry on men."
* * *
Harry and gang found a computer that told them everything that happened, and also where the Princess was kept. Ron refused to help until he saw an internet picture of Hermione. And I mean INTERNET picture, if you get my drift. McGonagall decided to take out the tractor beam, and finish some "unsettled business with a pupil of mine."
"See ya McGongall. Have a safe trip," said Harry.
Harry, Ron, and Hagrid left Dobby and Pigwidgeon behind to hack into the computer. At last, all was set for their great rescue.
Harry and his group walked to the main prison room. After talking about coffee for some time, Ron got bored and blew everything up. This of course alerted the entire space station to their presence.
"Nice going Ron," panted Harry as he ran.
"Listen, my mom owns a Starbucks. I never want to hear the word coffee again."
They ran and opened every single door. Several convicts, including a guy named Hannibal, escaped before Harry finally found Princess Hermione.
"Princess *huff puff* we found you!" exclaimed Harry.
"Who the bloody hell are you?" she asked.
"I'm your rescuer."
"Rescuer?"
"Yes there's no time to explain. Come on!" He grabbed Hermione and together they ran to Ron and Hagrid, who were pinned down by an entire army of Death Eaters.
"Any bright ideas?" shouted Hermione over the din.
"Ummm..." Harry's words were cut short by an explosion, and he fell into a trash chute, dragging Hermione down with them.
"Oh no!" yelled Ron. " We got to rescue them! Come on!" he shouted dragging Hagrid.
"'ell no I'ma goi' down tha' 'hute! 'e can' rescue them tha' way!" Hagrid roared back.
"I don't care how you smell! Get down there!" and with that, Ron gave Hagrid a vicious kick on the ass which sent him sprawling down the chute. After a few more seconds of killing Death Eaters, Ron jumped down after him.
To be continued...
A/N Please r/r!!! Next story will be here a week from now!!!!
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I ripped everything off. The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Jar Jar and the whole plot line belong to George Lucas. That Spaceballs thing belong to Mel Brooks.
By Thomas Park (a.k.a. grumpy old man)
When we last left our heroes, they are going in search of a bar. Now we go to Princess Hermione, who was captured by the Imperial Wizards. (ominous music plays)
"Now Princess Hermione, I believe the question I'm going to ask you is where is the location of the Rebel base??" said an evil man in a mask and hooded cloak.
"Screw you, you old pervert!" shouted the defiant Princess.
"Oh come on! I mean really. You know you're going to die a terrible death. So let's drop this whole stupid, I'm-so-brave bit."
"No!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"Pretty please?"
"No!"
"Pretty please with cherries on top? With chopped nuts, whipped cream, and crumbled up cookie things?"
"No!"
"Crumbled up Oreo cookies?"
"No! And stop this whole stupid dessert crap!"
"Hmmm... well I believe the time has come for drastic action. Men, bring in plan B!"
"Sir?" asked one of the soldiers. "Not plan B!?!?!?!?!?"
"Yes," replied Snape." Plan B!"
The men looked at each other with fear on their faces. They slowly walked out of the interrogation room, and came back, carrying a man-sized box. Slowly, as if the slightest mistake would kill them, they lifted the top of the box.
A tall, orange, grotesque, amphibious creature with huge ears and lanky limbs, jumped out.
"Hello! Meesa Jar Jar Binks!" said the creature.
"Nooooooooo!" screamed Hermione. "No, you can't do this!"
"I'm the bad guy! I can do whatever crazy shit I want!" yelled Snape. "And if you think that's it..." He clapped his hands, and the Imperial wizards took out a stereo and a T.V. "We'll be playing nonstop hours of Barney on this T.V. And Jar Jar here will dance to the tune of Mmmbop while telling you stories of his family's history! Muwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!"
Hermione braced herself for the oncoming pain. She knew that no matter what, she must be strong. The Rebellion was counting on her.
* * *
"So is this the place?" asked a young boy with glasses.
"Yes. This is the Leaky Cauldron. Here, we will find the best smuggler pilots unwinding after a hard days work," replied a severe-looking woman.
Just then, several pilots came stumbling out of the bar. One kneeled down and threw up, the other tripped on him. The third one stood there laughing, and began urinating against a dumpster.
Harry mumbled, " The best, huh?" before walking in.
Crazy Muzak music was playing, and Harry saw some of the craziest creatures ever. There were several species with glazed eyes and grungy hair, no wait, those are hippies. Well, there were some weird things out there. Most of these creature you wouldn't see unless you took some 'shrooms or acid.
Harry went to sit down at one of the seats and asked the bartender for a butterbeer. Out of nowhere, a creature with an ass for a face came up to him, and started mumbling.
"What?" asked Harry.
The creature seemed infuriated and began pushing Harry. Just then, a guy who looked like his toddler had gotten hold of a nailgun said,"He doesn't like you."
"Obviously," said Harry. "What's his problem? Did his mouth become constipated?"
"No you idiot! I don't like you! We are WANTED men!!"
"Uhuh."
"Yes. We stole a paper clip from an old lady, and now EVERY imperial wizard is after us. Hahahahaha!!!!"
"Riiiiiight. You know what? I think I will be going now."
"Alright you piece of tofu! I'll kill you!" And with that, the deformed guy lunged at Harry. Harry dodged the guy, who went sprawling into ass-face. The guy got up, and lit a lighter, obviously planning to use it as a weapon. Most unfortunately, the lighter was near ass-face's face, who then farted (or burped, you can't tell with an ass-face). In Nutty Professor-style, the two guys exploded.
"Harry? come on, I found us a ship," said McGonagall, stepping over the pieces of debris.
They walked over to a table, where a freckeled-face man, with flaming red hair, sat. His copilot was an enormous man with shaggy hair.
"How you doin'? The name's Weasely, Ron Weasely" said the red-haired man. "This here's my copilot, Hagrid. He don't know English, but don't worry, i can translate for you."
"What yeh bin' talkin' 'bout? I know 'erfect English!" shouted the huge man.
"See what I mean. He's just asking for money so he can buy more booze. I swear Hagrid, we're going to have to break that nasty drinking habit of yours."
"Oh, the'll be sum breakin' alrigh'. If I didn' need ah job, I'd wring yah neck yeh 'tupid piece of shi'!"
"He's just telling me how much he appreciates my efforts to help him."
"Charming. Listen, we need a ship, a fast ship, that can get us to the Hogsmeade system," said McGonagall.
"Any cargo?"
"Just a house-elf and a trashcan."
"That it?"
"And no questions asked."
"Oh, I get it. Ok, we'll make the trip to Los Angeles, but I'm telling ya, those U.S. customs agents are gonna cost ya."
"No, no, no. We're not smuggling drugs. Listen, just get us to Hogsmeade."
"Alright. But it'll still cost you. Hmmm... 10,000 Galleons?"
"Hell no. I could buy my own ship, house, and personal staff with that kind of money!" exclaimed Harry.
"You think I give a damn? 7,000."
"1,000," said Harry.
"5,000, and that's my final offer."
"1,000."
"4,000, and that's my final offer."
"1,000."
"2,000, and that's my final offer."
"1,000."
"1,000, and that's my final offer."
"900."
"500, and that's my final offer."
"100."
"50, and that's my final offer."
"10."
"5, and that's my final offer."
"1 Galleon."
"Deal." Ron then turned to Hagrid and whispered, "Ha, pretty good bargaining, huh? Don't worry, someday I'll teach you that."
Hagrid let out a moan and said," If I negotiated like tha', I wouldn' fear losin' meh money."
"Yes, Hagrid, I know you're hungry."
* * *
Elswhere in the galaxy.
"So Lord Snape? Your attempts to torture Hermione failed," sneered Moff Lucius. They were in a boardroom, along with every other important goverment official onboard the Dark Mark.
"Don't worry, it's only a matter of time," replied Snape.
"We already gave you enough time. Why haven't you produced any results?" sneered Karkaroff, another government official. Karkaroff was one of those people who can be described by only one word: ass.
"Princess Hermione has a strong will," Snape patiently said,
"Oh, I see. And where is your Power now? Huh?"
"Don't underestimate the power of the Power."
"Haha. Don't make us laugh Snape. The Aurors used the *power*, and look where it got them."
"Oh yeah? The Emperor himself uses the Power so there."
"Yeah, but he knows how to use it. You, on the other hand suck."
Snape could feel rising anger, but decided he had to control it.
"I have had enough of this."
"Ooohhh. Leaving now? Not so brave are you?"
"Please do not taunt me any further."
"Ooh. (in mocking tone) Please don't taunt me any further. Ooh, I'm so scared Snape. What'cha going to do? What'cha going to do? What a loser!"
Snape thought, just remember, they're only words. His thoughts were broken when he felt something pelt his head. It was a peanut. The air became thick with them as Karkaroff began to mercilessly pelt Snape.
"Stop it! I order you to stop it!" Snape yelled.
"Haha, what a dumbass. What's the matter? Can't fight?"
At last, Snape lost his temper. He pulled out his wand and yelled, "Crucio!" Karkaroff began writhing in pain for 15 long minutes. At last, Snape lifted the spell.
Karkaroff, breathing heavily, looked up at Snape, and grinned. "Haha!" he exclaimed. "That's it? What sort of weak shit is that? My grandmother can do a better Crucio than you, and she's dead!"
Snape gave a gasp of frustration.
"Man, this fool is so weak, a neutered fly can kick his ass!"
Slowly, Snape began to turn red again.
"And that's not all. His hair is so greasy, McDonald's fries are considered fat-free compared to it."
Snape pulled open a drawr, which had a remote.
"Also, this jerk-off's nose hairs are so thick, several endangered species have found refuge there!"
Snape took the remote.
"Don't forget how Snape's nose got him sued by the Fruit Loops's Toucan."
Snape aimed the remote at Karkaroff, who was in the middle of saying, "Finally, his dick's so sma-" before his chair jumped up and propelled him towards the ceiling. A chute opened, and Karkaroff went flying through this until he flew out of the space station and into space itself. A few seconds later, Karkaroff's head expanded and blew up. He should have taken Mylanta.
Snape took a deep breath, and said,"Now that the ass has finally left us, let's resume our business of what we're going to do about Princess Hermione."
"Well," said Moff Lucius. "We're near the Hogsmeade system, her former home, and we need to test this battlestation. I'm sure she would love to see a demonstration." With that, Lucius Malfoy gave a cruel laugh. Except for him, the room was silent. Lucius gave everyone a big glare, and then they all started laughing evilly.
* * *
Princess Hermione silently trudged up to the main viewing deck, flanked on both sides by Imperial Wizards. Already, she was weakened by the torture, but she decided to keep her appearance strong. At last, she saw a group of people containing some of the most hated men in the galaxy.
She smiled sweetly and said, "Moff Lucius, I should have recognized your foul-stench when I came on board."
Lucius panicked and said, "Really?! But the cashier said this deodarant would actually work!"
Snape cut in, "Forget it Lucius. Princess Hermione, notice that blue planet there? It's Hogsmeade, and we are going to test this battlestation's ultimate power on it."
Hermione paled, and said, "You wouldn't. You can't! Hogsmeade is a peaceful planet! We have no weapons, no violence, even M rated video games are banned!"
"Well if you don't want that planet destroyed, you can always tell us where the Rebel base is," said Lucius.
Princess Hermione seemed to be fighting inside, but one more look at her beautiful planet made her decision. She whispered, "Denny'sland," before turning her head down in defeat.
"Excellent. That wasn't too hard was it? Commander, prepare the battlestation. Target: Hogsmeade."
"What?!?!" yelled Hermione.
"So I lied," Lucius nonchalantly said. "Really, did you expect me to spare such a juicy target? What a dumbass."
Hermione yelled, "You dickwad!" but was held back by several Imperial Wizards.
The huge battlestation, which looked like a skull, opened it's mouth. An enormous snake popped out, and then it's eyes glowed green and it hissed. A beam of green light shot from it, and missed Hogsmeade. Instead, it hit the planet next to it.
"You idiot!" shouted Moff Lucius. "That was my vacation house!"
"My bad, sir," repled a cross-eyed man. "I'm an asshole."
"Good God, I thought we stopped hiring your kind after Spaceballs," said Lucius.
"There was an employee shortage, sir."
"Oh forget it. Keep firing, asshole."
The green beam shot out again, this time narrowly grazing Snape's vacation house, but hitting Hogsmeade. The planet exploded in a beautiful display of sparks and movie pyrotechnics.
* * *
McGonagall suddenly keeled over in pain. Frightened, Harry asked what was wrong.
"I felt a tremendous pain, as if millions of voices cried out in anguish and died."
"Hmmm...sounds to me like gas," said Ron. "My advice is to lay off the Mexican food."
McGonagall glared at him. Ever since she saw his ship, which Harry called a "piece of shit" and saw him make the mistake of crashing into an Imperial search ship, and getting them chased by a million units, she didn't take too kindly to Ron. She turned to Harry, who was practicing with a wand saber, blindfolded.
"Remember Harry, let the Power flow through you," said McGonagall.
Ron scoffed, and Harry, who got bit by the mosquito he was trying to kill, took off his blindfold and said, "You don't believe in the Power do you?"
"Kid, I've been to one end of the galaxy to the other. I've eaten at every kind of fast food joint. I've seen animals with asses for their faces. But I've never heard of some kind of Power that controls things. If you ask me, all you need is a good wand by your side. Not a wand saber."
Harry was just about to respond, when the ship gave a warning beep. Ron ran to the cockpit and announced, "We're here. Hogsmeade, here I come."
The ship exited out right into the middle of a meteor field. Meteors, the size of houses, bashed into the ship.
"You idoit!" We're in the middle of a meteor shower!" shouted McGonagall.
"I don't understand! My compass should work!" shouted Ron.
All of a sudden, a huge jolt shook the ship.
"Uhhh... I think we're caught in a tractor beam," said Harry.
"Not to worry, all I have to do is push the anit-tractor beam. Ok then..." Ron pushed a button, and all of a sudden, the ship accelerated right into the battlestation. "Whoops. I should have taken Pilot's Ed."
Harry just had enough time to say, "You dumbass!" before the ship was engulfed by the Dark Mark.
* * *
"Sir, unidentified ship captured," said a young Imperial Wizard.
Lord Snape looked at the ship. It was a piece of junk, and already, it was stinking up the hangar. "Quickly search the ship."
"Yes sir."
Snape saw the young man, in uniform robes and mask, walk onto the deck with a squad. He came out looking shorter, and the other members of the squad looked different also. One of them was way too big and shaggy. The others were too short.
"Did you see anything?" Snape queried.
"Ah no sir," answered the man. His voice had changed too. Also, Snape felt a presence, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Ah, it was probably gas. "Very well then. Carry on men."
* * *
Harry and gang found a computer that told them everything that happened, and also where the Princess was kept. Ron refused to help until he saw an internet picture of Hermione. And I mean INTERNET picture, if you get my drift. McGonagall decided to take out the tractor beam, and finish some "unsettled business with a pupil of mine."
"See ya McGongall. Have a safe trip," said Harry.
Harry, Ron, and Hagrid left Dobby and Pigwidgeon behind to hack into the computer. At last, all was set for their great rescue.
Harry and his group walked to the main prison room. After talking about coffee for some time, Ron got bored and blew everything up. This of course alerted the entire space station to their presence.
"Nice going Ron," panted Harry as he ran.
"Listen, my mom owns a Starbucks. I never want to hear the word coffee again."
They ran and opened every single door. Several convicts, including a guy named Hannibal, escaped before Harry finally found Princess Hermione.
"Princess *huff puff* we found you!" exclaimed Harry.
"Who the bloody hell are you?" she asked.
"I'm your rescuer."
"Rescuer?"
"Yes there's no time to explain. Come on!" He grabbed Hermione and together they ran to Ron and Hagrid, who were pinned down by an entire army of Death Eaters.
"Any bright ideas?" shouted Hermione over the din.
"Ummm..." Harry's words were cut short by an explosion, and he fell into a trash chute, dragging Hermione down with them.
"Oh no!" yelled Ron. " We got to rescue them! Come on!" he shouted dragging Hagrid.
"'ell no I'ma goi' down tha' 'hute! 'e can' rescue them tha' way!" Hagrid roared back.
"I don't care how you smell! Get down there!" and with that, Ron gave Hagrid a vicious kick on the ass which sent him sprawling down the chute. After a few more seconds of killing Death Eaters, Ron jumped down after him.
To be continued...
A/N Please r/r!!! Next story will be here a week from now!!!!
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I ripped everything off. The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Jar Jar and the whole plot line belong to George Lucas. That Spaceballs thing belong to Mel Brooks.