Title: Anytime
Author: Courtney
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: R
Category: Jake/Hamilton; future-fic
Spoilers: A few little ones for the season finale that I've heard about so far. Mostly Bella/Scout stuff.
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she's lost.
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Brian McKnight. My roommate downloaded the song to my computer and the more I listened to it, the more a story started to tell itself in my head.
Thanks: Brian McKnight for the lovely, sad lyrics; Candice for downloading unwanted things to my computer (haha), and my wondrous beta readers for services rendered. Oh, and the gals at the Hamilton_Jake list for all the fanfic that inspires the hell out of me! ;-)
Feedback: Please!!! I'm pretty sure where I'm going with this but it would still be helpful to get some opinions. And, of course, if it sucks too badly then you should all let me know so I can stop torturing you, lol.
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Part 4
No more loneliness and heartache
No more crying myself to sleep
No more wondering about tomorrow
Would you come back to me, come back to me . . .
"Hamilton, wait!" Bella yelled after him as he flew down the stairs and out the front door. But it was too late; by the time she got there, he was already gone. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth in worry, then turned for the stairs to see about her other friend.
Jake heard the knock on the door but she knew that it wasn't Hamilton so she didn't respond. Bella came in anyway and walked across the room to sit beside her on the bed.
"You told him," she stated, not needing the question answered. "He just needs time," she continued.
"No, he hates me," Jake said surely. "And I don't blame him one bit. I deserve it." She wasn't sobbing, just crying. Big tears rolled down her cheeks as though they were escaping even without her knowledge. She seemed oblivious to everything at that moment except her own self-contempt.
"He loves you too much to ever hate you," Bella assured her.
"I made him wonder for ten years what he'd done to drive me away . . . when all along it was all my fault," Jake said. "I can't even ask him to forgive me."
"Jake, you were young; you were scared," Bella reminded her. "I would have done the same thing."
"No, you wouldn't have," she stated matter-of-factly. "You would have told Scout the truth and the two of you would have worked it out together. Because that's who you are, Bella. You're honest and open and you talk about things that bother you. I don't do that . . . I never have. I lied to him from the first day I met him . . . and I've never stopped lying; not even to myself."
"You're being too hard on yourself," he friend said.
"No, I'm just finally telling myself the truth," Jake replied. It was easy to see that this was tearing her apart, but she would not let herself be comforted into believing that things were going to be okay. They weren't; it was over. And she was getting what she deserved.
* * * * *
'A baby!' his mind screamed at him. She had a baby and she never bothered to even tell him! Not even years later. What had become of the child? Was she raising it? Had she given it up? Was it a boy or a girl? 'God, I'm a father,' he thought as he slumped down on the edge of the sidewalk. He'd been walking for blocks through Bella and Scout's suburban neighborhood and he had no idea how far he'd gone or how to get back. But it didn't even matter; he wasn't capable of thinking about anything except what Jake had told him.
He was twenty-eight years old and, for the most part, he hadn't really given much thought to being a parent by this point in his life. But that didn't mean that he didn't want to have the chance. That didn't mean that he wanted to be kept in the dark for *ten years* while his child grew up without him!
'Damn her! She had no right . . .' he thought ruefully. For so long he had loved Jake Pratt and wished that she'd forgive him for whatever he'd done to make her leave. And now, after all these years, he was finding out that maybe the blame wasn't his after all.
"Ham, get in the car," he heard as Scout's car pulled up along the curb in front of him.
"I can't talk to her right now, man," Hamilton protested.
Scout opened his door and got out of the car, standing with his arm atop the window frame and squinting through the midday sunlight at his old friend. "Don't you think this was hard for her, too?" Scout asked.
"So, you knew too, huh?" was his sardonic response.
"Not until today. Bella told me just before you came rushing downstairs. She figured something like this might happen I guess . . . Look, I'm your best friend, right?" Hamilton nodded somewhat grudgingly. "So, I'd never steer you wrong," Scout continued. "And I think we both know that you're not the kind of guy to just run away from things . . . especially something so serious."
Hamilton thought about reminding him that Jake had been the one to run away first, but he thought better of the words before he let them escape. Scout was right; he wasn't the type of guy to just run off without any discussion. He faced things that bothered him; he always had. Hell, when he was fifteen and thought that he was falling in love with another guy, wasn't he the one to corner the so-called man in the boys bathroom and lay one on him? Even though that situation had turned out a *lot* differently than he had expected, the principal still stood.
"Okay," Hamilton finally said as he got up from the curb and opened the passenger's door. "Let's go back. Jake and I have some things to discuss."
* * * * *
When he and Scout walked back into the house, it was silent. "Bell?" Scout called from the living room.
Bella stuck her head out of the kitchen and smiled at the two. "I see you found him," she said as she nodded approvingly at Hamilton.
"You knew I wouldn't get far," Hamilton replied as he returned her smile. His words sounded casual with Bella, but it was easy to see that he felt anything but. He was still reeling from Jake's confession, not to mention the nervous tension coursing through his body as he thought about the questions he wanted to ask her. He knew they needed to talk about this situation, but he wasn't quite sure that he'd be prepared for the answers he would receive.
"I'm making some tea, would you like some?" Bella asked their houseguest.
"Uh, no, thanks," Hamilton replied. "Is, uh . . . she's still upstairs?" Bella just nodded and stood in the kitchen doorway with Scout as Hamilton mounted the stairs for the second time that day. Once again she held Scout's hand . . . and held her breath.
* * * * *
Dear Hamilton,
I'm not sure how to start this out. I've tried so many times to tell you about the pregnancy, but I could never seem to find the words. And now that I've finally told you, I fear that you will never look at me the same way again.
I know that you have every right to be angry. I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again. Still, I want to at least try and say that I'm sorry. For whatever good it does, I know that I was wrong and I wish there was something I could do to change my actions. However, that's all in the past now and I know that nothing I say or do can make up for what I have done.
So much time has passed and so many things have gone unsaid for so long now. I realize that you've blamed yourself for what happened back then between us and again I apologize for putting you through that. I only wish that you could somehow find it inside of yourself not to hate me . . . because through everything and after all these years, I still love you as much as ever. I hope that even a tiny part of you can still believe that.
Love Forever,
Jake
She read over the letter for the tenth time and a fresh tear rolled off of her cheek and onto the paper. She was sure that he'd never speak to her again; at least this way she'd get some sort of goodbye. She folded the paper up and started to put it into the envelope that she had inscribed with his name when she heard the bedroom door open yet again. Looking up, she expected Bella. When she saw him before her, the letter fell to the floor.
"H-hamilton," she stammered.
"We need to talk," he told her quietly, a little of the angry edge faded from his voice now.
"I . . . I thought you'd never want to see me again. I thought that you would . . . that you'd hate me," she admitted.
He sighed and stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him. "God Jake . . . you know I could never hate you. I mean, how am I supposed to hate someone that I've loved so much for so long? I don't even think that that's possible," he confessed.
She found a smile tugging at her lips as his words brought on fresh tears. "I'm so glad that you finally know," she said hoarsely.
He moved over to the bed, sitting beside her and taking her trembling hands between his own. "Jake . . . I need you to make me understand all of this . . . please. Just tell me why. Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you let me help you, and why wait *ten years* to tell me now?"
She shook her head woefully and cast her eyes down as she responded, "I wish I had the perfect explanation, Hamilton, I really do. I just . . . I was young, I was scared . . . I don't know what else to say. It was a decade ago and I was seventeen. We were still in *high school* for Christ sake . . . and the only thing I could think to do was run away. So that's what I did." She finally let her eyes focus on his once again as she added, "I'm so sorry, Hamilton."
Her shoulders sagged beneath the weight of her sorrow and, no matter how upset he might have been with her, Hamilton could no longer resist the urge to hold her. He pulled her body against his own and tried his best to sooth her as she broke down in his arms.
When she'd finally regained a bit of her composure, Hamilton spoke again. "So, what happened, Jake?" She looked up at him and he said, "To the baby . . . what happened?"
She shook her head woefully once more and said, "I just couldn't . . . I couldn't be anyone's mother. I couldn't even take care of myself, much less a child. I went home, told my mom what had happened and we had it . . . taken care of." Her voice turned to a whisper on those last few words and Hamilton could see that the very thought still tore her up inside.
"You had an abortion, then," he verified.
"Yes," she admitted.
"God Jake, I wish you hadn't gone through that alone," he said softly as he tightened his arms around her. "I could have helped you . . . I could have been there at least."
"I didn't know how to tell you," she said. "And, the truth is, I thought that I was protecting you by not telling you. I was going to have the abortion and just not say anything. I never really planned to stay gone forever. I was going to come back after a few weeks but . . . well, it was tougher than I thought."
"There were problems?" he asked.
"No . . . well, I mean yes, but not anything physical. It was just, afterwards, I felt like a different person. Everything I'd thought I knew about life, about my life . . . it had all changed. I wasn't the same anymore . . . and it wasn't a good feeling at all.
"You know how after the first time you have sex, you're still the same person for the most part, but something inside of you changes? It seems like it won't make much of a difference, but then you realize that that one tiny little event colors everything you see, everything you do . . . suddenly you have to get to know yourself all over again. Your world changes. You aren't as young as you once were; you are no longer quite as innocent. You change . . . and you can never get back that person that you once were."
Hamilton nodded, knowing what Jake meant. He'd felt those things after their first time together. He'd loved her more than his own life and she was the only person that he wanted to lose his virginity to, but still there had been that little ounce of regret that floated in the back of his mind after the fact.
"Well," Jake continued, "this was sort of similar to that. I found that I wasn't me anymore. I was . . . different. I didn't like it and I didn't want to put you through the same thing. So, I stayed away for a while. But then, two weeks turned into two months and then to two years and suddenly it had been a decade since I'd laid eyes on you and it was so far past too late that I had no idea even where to begin anymore. And so I just stayed away."
Hamilton was listening to her, still holding her against him as though it were the most natural thing on earth. As angry as he had been when she'd told him the truth, he found himself understanding her reasons, her fears . . . he couldn't hold this against her. Besides, he knew that he still loved her. They'd thrown away ten years of their lives . . . he wasn't about to waste another day.
"I forgive you," he whispered close to her ear, then leaned forward to softly kiss her cheek.
She turned around, astonished by his words. "Do . . . do you really mean that?" she asked hopefully.
"I could never stop loving you," he told her. "And I want us to have the chance that was taken away from us all those years ago."
Her eyes brimmed with more tears, but these were only shed in happiness. "I love you so much . . . I could never even tell you."
"I already know," he assured her. They shared a smile and then a kiss . . . and two strangers became best friends all over again.
* * * * *
The End
August 17, 2000
Author: Courtney
Email: courtneystovall@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: R
Category: Jake/Hamilton; future-fic
Spoilers: A few little ones for the season finale that I've heard about so far. Mostly Bella/Scout stuff.
Summary: A letter from an old friend makes Jacqueline Pratt think about the past . . . and yearn for what she's lost.
Author's Notes: The lyrics belong to Brian McKnight. My roommate downloaded the song to my computer and the more I listened to it, the more a story started to tell itself in my head.
Thanks: Brian McKnight for the lovely, sad lyrics; Candice for downloading unwanted things to my computer (haha), and my wondrous beta readers for services rendered. Oh, and the gals at the Hamilton_Jake list for all the fanfic that inspires the hell out of me! ;-)
Feedback: Please!!! I'm pretty sure where I'm going with this but it would still be helpful to get some opinions. And, of course, if it sucks too badly then you should all let me know so I can stop torturing you, lol.
----------------------------------
Part 4
No more loneliness and heartache
No more crying myself to sleep
No more wondering about tomorrow
Would you come back to me, come back to me . . .
"Hamilton, wait!" Bella yelled after him as he flew down the stairs and out the front door. But it was too late; by the time she got there, he was already gone. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth in worry, then turned for the stairs to see about her other friend.
Jake heard the knock on the door but she knew that it wasn't Hamilton so she didn't respond. Bella came in anyway and walked across the room to sit beside her on the bed.
"You told him," she stated, not needing the question answered. "He just needs time," she continued.
"No, he hates me," Jake said surely. "And I don't blame him one bit. I deserve it." She wasn't sobbing, just crying. Big tears rolled down her cheeks as though they were escaping even without her knowledge. She seemed oblivious to everything at that moment except her own self-contempt.
"He loves you too much to ever hate you," Bella assured her.
"I made him wonder for ten years what he'd done to drive me away . . . when all along it was all my fault," Jake said. "I can't even ask him to forgive me."
"Jake, you were young; you were scared," Bella reminded her. "I would have done the same thing."
"No, you wouldn't have," she stated matter-of-factly. "You would have told Scout the truth and the two of you would have worked it out together. Because that's who you are, Bella. You're honest and open and you talk about things that bother you. I don't do that . . . I never have. I lied to him from the first day I met him . . . and I've never stopped lying; not even to myself."
"You're being too hard on yourself," he friend said.
"No, I'm just finally telling myself the truth," Jake replied. It was easy to see that this was tearing her apart, but she would not let herself be comforted into believing that things were going to be okay. They weren't; it was over. And she was getting what she deserved.
* * * * *
'A baby!' his mind screamed at him. She had a baby and she never bothered to even tell him! Not even years later. What had become of the child? Was she raising it? Had she given it up? Was it a boy or a girl? 'God, I'm a father,' he thought as he slumped down on the edge of the sidewalk. He'd been walking for blocks through Bella and Scout's suburban neighborhood and he had no idea how far he'd gone or how to get back. But it didn't even matter; he wasn't capable of thinking about anything except what Jake had told him.
He was twenty-eight years old and, for the most part, he hadn't really given much thought to being a parent by this point in his life. But that didn't mean that he didn't want to have the chance. That didn't mean that he wanted to be kept in the dark for *ten years* while his child grew up without him!
'Damn her! She had no right . . .' he thought ruefully. For so long he had loved Jake Pratt and wished that she'd forgive him for whatever he'd done to make her leave. And now, after all these years, he was finding out that maybe the blame wasn't his after all.
"Ham, get in the car," he heard as Scout's car pulled up along the curb in front of him.
"I can't talk to her right now, man," Hamilton protested.
Scout opened his door and got out of the car, standing with his arm atop the window frame and squinting through the midday sunlight at his old friend. "Don't you think this was hard for her, too?" Scout asked.
"So, you knew too, huh?" was his sardonic response.
"Not until today. Bella told me just before you came rushing downstairs. She figured something like this might happen I guess . . . Look, I'm your best friend, right?" Hamilton nodded somewhat grudgingly. "So, I'd never steer you wrong," Scout continued. "And I think we both know that you're not the kind of guy to just run away from things . . . especially something so serious."
Hamilton thought about reminding him that Jake had been the one to run away first, but he thought better of the words before he let them escape. Scout was right; he wasn't the type of guy to just run off without any discussion. He faced things that bothered him; he always had. Hell, when he was fifteen and thought that he was falling in love with another guy, wasn't he the one to corner the so-called man in the boys bathroom and lay one on him? Even though that situation had turned out a *lot* differently than he had expected, the principal still stood.
"Okay," Hamilton finally said as he got up from the curb and opened the passenger's door. "Let's go back. Jake and I have some things to discuss."
* * * * *
When he and Scout walked back into the house, it was silent. "Bell?" Scout called from the living room.
Bella stuck her head out of the kitchen and smiled at the two. "I see you found him," she said as she nodded approvingly at Hamilton.
"You knew I wouldn't get far," Hamilton replied as he returned her smile. His words sounded casual with Bella, but it was easy to see that he felt anything but. He was still reeling from Jake's confession, not to mention the nervous tension coursing through his body as he thought about the questions he wanted to ask her. He knew they needed to talk about this situation, but he wasn't quite sure that he'd be prepared for the answers he would receive.
"I'm making some tea, would you like some?" Bella asked their houseguest.
"Uh, no, thanks," Hamilton replied. "Is, uh . . . she's still upstairs?" Bella just nodded and stood in the kitchen doorway with Scout as Hamilton mounted the stairs for the second time that day. Once again she held Scout's hand . . . and held her breath.
* * * * *
Dear Hamilton,
I'm not sure how to start this out. I've tried so many times to tell you about the pregnancy, but I could never seem to find the words. And now that I've finally told you, I fear that you will never look at me the same way again.
I know that you have every right to be angry. I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again. Still, I want to at least try and say that I'm sorry. For whatever good it does, I know that I was wrong and I wish there was something I could do to change my actions. However, that's all in the past now and I know that nothing I say or do can make up for what I have done.
So much time has passed and so many things have gone unsaid for so long now. I realize that you've blamed yourself for what happened back then between us and again I apologize for putting you through that. I only wish that you could somehow find it inside of yourself not to hate me . . . because through everything and after all these years, I still love you as much as ever. I hope that even a tiny part of you can still believe that.
Love Forever,
Jake
She read over the letter for the tenth time and a fresh tear rolled off of her cheek and onto the paper. She was sure that he'd never speak to her again; at least this way she'd get some sort of goodbye. She folded the paper up and started to put it into the envelope that she had inscribed with his name when she heard the bedroom door open yet again. Looking up, she expected Bella. When she saw him before her, the letter fell to the floor.
"H-hamilton," she stammered.
"We need to talk," he told her quietly, a little of the angry edge faded from his voice now.
"I . . . I thought you'd never want to see me again. I thought that you would . . . that you'd hate me," she admitted.
He sighed and stepped further into the room, closing the door behind him. "God Jake . . . you know I could never hate you. I mean, how am I supposed to hate someone that I've loved so much for so long? I don't even think that that's possible," he confessed.
She found a smile tugging at her lips as his words brought on fresh tears. "I'm so glad that you finally know," she said hoarsely.
He moved over to the bed, sitting beside her and taking her trembling hands between his own. "Jake . . . I need you to make me understand all of this . . . please. Just tell me why. Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you let me help you, and why wait *ten years* to tell me now?"
She shook her head woefully and cast her eyes down as she responded, "I wish I had the perfect explanation, Hamilton, I really do. I just . . . I was young, I was scared . . . I don't know what else to say. It was a decade ago and I was seventeen. We were still in *high school* for Christ sake . . . and the only thing I could think to do was run away. So that's what I did." She finally let her eyes focus on his once again as she added, "I'm so sorry, Hamilton."
Her shoulders sagged beneath the weight of her sorrow and, no matter how upset he might have been with her, Hamilton could no longer resist the urge to hold her. He pulled her body against his own and tried his best to sooth her as she broke down in his arms.
When she'd finally regained a bit of her composure, Hamilton spoke again. "So, what happened, Jake?" She looked up at him and he said, "To the baby . . . what happened?"
She shook her head woefully once more and said, "I just couldn't . . . I couldn't be anyone's mother. I couldn't even take care of myself, much less a child. I went home, told my mom what had happened and we had it . . . taken care of." Her voice turned to a whisper on those last few words and Hamilton could see that the very thought still tore her up inside.
"You had an abortion, then," he verified.
"Yes," she admitted.
"God Jake, I wish you hadn't gone through that alone," he said softly as he tightened his arms around her. "I could have helped you . . . I could have been there at least."
"I didn't know how to tell you," she said. "And, the truth is, I thought that I was protecting you by not telling you. I was going to have the abortion and just not say anything. I never really planned to stay gone forever. I was going to come back after a few weeks but . . . well, it was tougher than I thought."
"There were problems?" he asked.
"No . . . well, I mean yes, but not anything physical. It was just, afterwards, I felt like a different person. Everything I'd thought I knew about life, about my life . . . it had all changed. I wasn't the same anymore . . . and it wasn't a good feeling at all.
"You know how after the first time you have sex, you're still the same person for the most part, but something inside of you changes? It seems like it won't make much of a difference, but then you realize that that one tiny little event colors everything you see, everything you do . . . suddenly you have to get to know yourself all over again. Your world changes. You aren't as young as you once were; you are no longer quite as innocent. You change . . . and you can never get back that person that you once were."
Hamilton nodded, knowing what Jake meant. He'd felt those things after their first time together. He'd loved her more than his own life and she was the only person that he wanted to lose his virginity to, but still there had been that little ounce of regret that floated in the back of his mind after the fact.
"Well," Jake continued, "this was sort of similar to that. I found that I wasn't me anymore. I was . . . different. I didn't like it and I didn't want to put you through the same thing. So, I stayed away for a while. But then, two weeks turned into two months and then to two years and suddenly it had been a decade since I'd laid eyes on you and it was so far past too late that I had no idea even where to begin anymore. And so I just stayed away."
Hamilton was listening to her, still holding her against him as though it were the most natural thing on earth. As angry as he had been when she'd told him the truth, he found himself understanding her reasons, her fears . . . he couldn't hold this against her. Besides, he knew that he still loved her. They'd thrown away ten years of their lives . . . he wasn't about to waste another day.
"I forgive you," he whispered close to her ear, then leaned forward to softly kiss her cheek.
She turned around, astonished by his words. "Do . . . do you really mean that?" she asked hopefully.
"I could never stop loving you," he told her. "And I want us to have the chance that was taken away from us all those years ago."
Her eyes brimmed with more tears, but these were only shed in happiness. "I love you so much . . . I could never even tell you."
"I already know," he assured her. They shared a smile and then a kiss . . . and two strangers became best friends all over again.
* * * * *
The End
August 17, 2000