Quatre sat on the sofa and played his violin quietly. It was almost seven in the morning. He had walked all night, heading nowhere, just trying to think, trying to make himself feel better. Getting home, he had realised that all his thinking had served no purpose but to give him a headache.
He wanted Trowa so much, and was sure he was in love with him. And he hated himself. How could he do this to Duo? He felt like crying every time he looked at him.
The only thing he could do, he knew, was to be honest. He had to tell Duo. But he couldn't bring himself to. Not yet. At the moment he could hardly bring himself to talk to him at all. He was so full of self disgust, and felt so guilty – Duo had done nothing to deserve this.
today Quatre thought as he played slowly. I have to speak to him today
I hate to have him worrying about me, caring
I don't deserve him worrying about me, or caring about me
I don't want to hurt him
but I have to be honest
I hope we can still be friends
I love him, I do, but…as friends
as more than that, more than friends, just
not as a lover. not anymore…
Quatre continued to play, willing all thoughts from his mind. If only he could forget everything for a while…
The door opened slowly. Quatre looked up, and didn't realise that he'd stopped playing as he stared at Trowa standing in the doorway.
"Trowa,"
"Hello Quatre. Sorry, I heard you playing, do you mind if I listen? I can go if you want."
"No, it's alright, listen if you will, I don't mind," Quatre said nervously and Trowa sat down next to him. He lifted his bow to the violin again but had only played one note when Trowa spoke.
"Quatre, are you alright? You look so sad…"
Quatre just nodded, blinking rapidly.
"OK, well, if you ever need to talk, you know, I'm around."
Quatre nodded again, trying to smile. It didn't work. His hand shook as he raised the bow once more to the violin, and he brought his hands down to his lap as tears filled his eyes.
"I…" he began but started weeping. Trowa put a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't touch me!" Quatre gasped.
"What?" Trowa pulled back his hand. "Sorry. I only… Quatre, what's wrong? I want to help, really."
"I'm so horrible," Quatre sobbed. "I'm so mean, I'm terrible, I don't deserve any help."
"Don't say that!" Trowa said, startled. "You're not terrible, you're really nice! You're the best person I… I mean, you're not horrible, why…"
"Oh Trowa, it's… I'm with Duo, but, and, I'm… There's someone else, someone I want, someone I can't have but I still want…him, and I can't believe I'm doing this to Duo but I've fallen in love…"
Trowa reached out and touched his arm again.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Quatre screamed, and stood up, knocking his violin to the ground. He turned to leave but Trowa grabbed his arm and spun him around, pulling him back. Quatre found himself looking into Trowa's green eyes. Their faces were almost touching.
so close
so close
he's
so
close
Quatre found he was breathing hard.
"Why?" Trowa whispered, breathing heavily too.
Quatre turned away slightly, and felt Trowa move his head until their cheeks touched.
"It's…" he breathed. "You."
He felt Trowa's arms around him, his hands running up and down his back.
oh no
yes
no
this can't happen
He tilted his head back slightly and let out a small cry as he felt Trowa's lips on his neck.
oh god
oh god Trowa
"Trowa!"
Trowa pulled back.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry Quatre, I… I'm sorry…"
"Don't stop," Quatre muttered. "No, no don't…"
Unable to help himself, he lifted a hand and ran it down Trowa's face. Trowa kissed his fingers and sucked gently on them.
"Trowa… Trowa we can't…"
Quatre put his other hand on the back of Trowa's head and pulled his fingers from Trowa's mouth.
"We can't…"
"I know," Trowa breathed. "Can't help it…"
"I can't either…"
Quatre pulled Trowa's face down to his and ran his tongue over Trowa's lips.
no
Quatre stop
stop
don't let this go any further
not now
Trowa pushed up Quatre's shirt and stroked his chest with a long hand as they kissed passionately.
no
NO
"NO!"
Quatre pushed away from Trowa and jumped up. He stared at Trowa for a moment.
"……sorry," he muttered. "I can't do this…not…not now, I can't, oh god…"
He turned and ran out of the room. Trowa fell back onto the sofa and covered his face with his hands.
*
Heero stepped aside as Quatre rushed out of the door. He glared at Quatre's back as he ran out of the front door.
how could he
"How could you Quatre?"
* * *
Heero sat at the kitchen table, staring into a cup of tea he didn't really want. He couldn't believe what he had just seen. Quatre…and Trowa.
how could they
should I…tell Duo
I should
I can't
but I should
it's none of my business
but you can't just let Duo get hurt
I can't
Duo came bouncing into the kitchen, his braid flying behind him.
"Morning Heero!" he said cheerily, ruffling Heero's hair on his way to the fridge.
"Hn," Heero replied. Then he remembered what Duo had said last night. Was he really that bad? "Good morning," he added. It took a lot of effort.
There was a clatter from behind him. Duo had dropped his knife.
"Wow! You're getting good at this being sociable thing, aren't you Heero?"
omae o korosu
"Hn."
"And we've reverted once more to monosyllables! Hey Heero," Duo said, sitting down at the table opposite Heero. "I had a dream about you last night!"
"Did you," Heero said shortly.
he dreams about me
"Yup! It was weird, 'cause it was night, yeah, and I was in bed but not asleep, and I rolled over and there you were, kneeling by my bed and just looking at me, and you were, like, crying and everything. And I wanted to, like, say, it'll be alright and stuff, and I actually wanted to give you a hug but I knew you'd kill me, or at least threaten to. Weird, huh?"
no, he doesn't dream about me
"Ridiculous. I wouldn't be in your bedroom at night, Duo."
"More's the pity," Duo said cheekily.
Heero looked up, startled. Duo had clapped a hand to his mouth and was staring at him, wide-eyed. Heero suddenly saw how tired he looked, how strained and drawn although he was still acting as Duo-like as ever.
"Duo… are you alright? OK, don't make any jokes, don't be funny, tell me, are you alright?"
"I know, I know, you're not that bad… But you don't wanna hear my problems. Haven't you got any important soldier-stuff that urgently needs doing? Anyone to threaten to destroy perhaps? Maybe you've got a spot of Relena-hating planned for the morning… Ugh, maybe I'll join you…"
Heero glared.
"AGH! Sorry…"
"Duo, I'm serious. You were crying last night, weren't you."
"Oh so what if I was," Duo said, frowning. The psychotically cheerful front was broken, if only momentarily and Duo stood up and began to leave.
"Duo wait I only want to… help…"
"You want to help?" And normal Duo was back.
"Heero Yuy, you are ill, get thee to yon hospital!!" he proclaimed with a wave of the hand and with that, wandered off, his braid swinging. Heero watched him hang his head for a moment before he turned into the dining room.
*
"Heero, you look worried," Wufei commented as he entered the kitchen.
"Hn."
"You're worried for Duo, am I right?"
"What? Of course I'm not worried about him, why should I worry about that stupid baka, I don't care about him. Leave me alone, what the hell are you trying to say? Shut up about it, alright!"
"Woo!" Wufei laughed quietly and made himself some instant coffee as Heero stormed out of the kitchen.
* * *
Trowa sat in his room, staring blankly at the wall. His head was spinning. Could it be true? Could Quatre really be in love with him?
He sighed as he remembered that morning. He knew it was wrong, that it should never have happened at all, but oh the feeling, to hold Quatre, to touch him and kiss him and feel his hot breath on his skin. It was heaven.
But Quatre hated himself at the moment, Trowa realised. He hated himself for being unfaithful to Duo.
and now I'm betraying Duo aswell he thought miserably.
but I love you Quatre
I really do
*
An hour or so later, Trowa was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, which was far more interesting than the wall could ever hope to be.
There was a knock on the door.
"Yeah," Trowa called vaguely.
The door opened and Trowa sat up to see Heero standing in his room glaring at him.
"Where's Quatre," Heero said quietly.
"I don't know."
"I saw you. With him. How could you. How could he?"
Trowa mouthed wordlessly.
Heero glared.
"How could he do that to Duo?"
"We didn't actually DO anything Heero. And he hates himself over it, you…"
"I don't care! He's still being unfaithful! How could he do it?"
Heero glared intensely once more. Trowa stared thoughtfully after him as he stormed out, and heard him mutter under his breath
"I'd never do that to him…"
* * *
Duo frowned. Nobody had seen Quatre all day. And everyone was acting really strangely around him.
What? he felt like screaming. What the hell is wrong with you all today?
He hoped Quatre was OK. He had decided now, he was going to talk to him. He was going to tell him exactly what he was feeling. Then they could work out where to go from there.
Something else had been plaguing Duo's thoughts today though. To be more precise, someone. Heero, to be even more precise than that. Duo was still managing to convince himself that Heero wasn't attractive. Just. He had also begun to believe the impossible - Heero was a person underneath the non-human-ness of his tough, rude and completely unkillable exterior.
he's actually been nice to me today. or, nice for him. well, compared to his normal self, he's been a bloody saint! saint Heero, patron saint of…death threats? death threats and spandex
Duo smiled, at the thought of Heero with a little halo. Also at the thought of Heero in his spandex shorts.
mmmmm
no
not going there
"I'm going to the store!" Wufei announced. "I drank all the lemonade. I need more. And I need some, er, biscuits," he said unconvincingly.
"I NEED LEMONADE!!" Duo mocked. "I NEED IT! I NEED MORE! PLEASE…please, if you don't give me lemonade…I'll DIE! OH, and it has to be pink - don't forget now! AGHHHH! LDD! LEMONADE-DEFICIENCY-DISEASE - it's a killer, ya know!"
Wufei glared.
"And you need biscuits? Wow, bring me some will ya, Wuffie?"
"I WILL if you don't call me Wuffie."
"KK Wu-wu! You better hurry up though, store closes in a while."
Wufei hurried out.
"Hmmm. There's something about him and the store… Hey, Wufei, are you having an affair with that shop? Nataku will be hurt! Or at least, she would be if she wasn't made of metal," he added, more quietly.
"Hn," Heero muttered from the armchair in which he was sitting.
Duo looked over at him.
"What's so rivetingly and fantastically amazingly brilliantly amazing that you'd go as far as to describe it as hn, hey Heero? Hey, Heero man, you look a bit down! What's up?"
Duo jumped up and plopped down on the arm of Heero's chair.
"WassrongHeero!" he said, ruffling Heero's hair. "Wassup? Why aren't you glaring at me for messing your hair?"
"Nothing's wrong Duo. I like you messing my…hn."
"What? You LIKE it? Hee hee!" Duo laughed gleefully, and tangled his fingers in Heero's hair.
soft hair he thought fondly then left Heero alone as he realised what he was doing.
"Duo, will you listen to me for a minute?"
"Sure Heero. Go on, talk your little heart out. I know you've always wanted to be a great conversationalist just like me, well now's your chance. I won't tell anyone you actually spoke…AGH don't glare at me! I'm scared of you…"
"Duo you look tired and pale and I can tell something's wrong…"
"Oh, you can TELL can you?" Duo said, no longer grinning.
and don't try to make me believe you actually care
I kinda wish you did
Heero continued doggedly. "I can. What is it, Duo?"
"Do you care? Does it really matter to you?" Duo said seriously.
Heero mumbled something completely inaudible.
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
Duo thought for a moment.
"Heero, would you listen if I told you?"
"What?"
"Would you listen? If I tell you what's wrong, will you listen, and not laugh" not that that's likely anyway "and keep it a secret?"
"Yes. I really will. Do you believe me?"
dammit yes I do
"I believe you."
"So? I'll try and help…"
"Oh, you won't be able to help me. But maybe I'll feel better if I talk to someone. Even if it is you…"
Heero didn't even glare. He just looked up at Duo, sad and serious.
"Go on, I'm listening."
"Well, it's Quatre. I'm really worried about him, and he won't talk to me at all, and he…he doesn't want me anymore, Heero. But the thing is, it's not just that, it's… I don't want to be with him anymore. Don't look like that! I do love him, really, but…not really in the same way. I love him, more than a friend, but, I don't know, we're just not right anymore. And there's someone else I kinda… Well anyway, it's just difficult. I don't wanna end it with him because I hate things ending, ya know. I don't wanna hurt him, even though I don't think he'd mind much… I feel terrible keeping my feelings from him… It's difficult… I just don't know what to do."
"No, you're right, I can't help."
Duo laughed wryly.
"But you listened!" he said brightly. "Thanks Heero!" On impulse, Duo leaned down and hugged Heero tightly.
"Don't kill me!" he squeaked as he sat back up but to his surprise Heero didn't look in the least bit angry. "Sorry. And thanks." He frowned. "I'm really worried about Quatre, ya know… If you see him…tell him…I…"
"…need to talk?"
"Right."
Duo ruffled his hair yet again but as he turned to leave he felt Heero grab his hand. He spun around and stared, turning bright red and surprised at how much he liked Heero's touch. Heero dropped his hand as if it was white-hot and glared at the floor.
Duo smiled.
"G'night, Heero."
"Hn."
Duo found himself smiling, worried as he still was for Quatre, as he walked up the stairs. He leaned over the banister and gazed for a moment at Heero, who was frowning and muttering to himself, and found his smile widening.
why does Heero make me feel good all of a sudden
oh no
Duo Maxwell, you can't! not him! not Heero!
ARGHHH!
Duo was still smiling when he reached the top of the stairs.
*
Heero just sat. Had he really done that? How could he have been stupid enough to grab Duo's hand like that?
And mmm, he liked Duo playing with his hair so much…
He was glad Duo had finally talked to him. Happy that Duo felt he could.
Duo and Quatre, breaking up
Heero wondered who the other person Duo kinda…kinda what? Liked. Wanted? Either way, Heero couldn't help wondering if there was ANY chance it could be him. Surely it couldn't be…
but I wish it was…
* * *
I always feel like the outsider in our little group. Their little group. They need each other, they love and hate each other… they're indifferent to me. They don't need me for anything. I'm an outsider. Outsiders look in though, don't they. They see…
I came home tonight to see Heero sitting in the lounge, muttering to himself - about Duo.
I'd never do that to you, Duo, my love my love he was saying. Strange, I didn't think Heero was capable of love.
I wonder what it is that he'd never do? Actually, I think I have a fair idea…
Quatre hasn't been in all day. All of us, even me, the outsider, are worried about him. He only acts like this, only avoids everyone when he's feeling guilty, unless I'm mistaken… He treats himself harshly when he feels he's at fault. I'm becoming more and more convinced that he does have feeling for Trowa - and hates himself for being untrue to Duo.
Ay me, the course of true love never did run smooth - Shakespeare
I hate Shakespeare.
The only one I can't fathom at all is Duo. You can't tell what he's feeling unless he says it - he's always in this hyper, cheery mood. It's not always real. Sometimes, it's just a mask but who knows when it's real, and when he's forcing himself to be him?
I went to the store again today. I met Sally, she was on her way out of the store. I walked to her house with her. She invited me in. I wish I'd gone in.
I forgot to get any lemonade. And Duo's biscuits.
* * *