Star Wars Episode 1: The Definitive MiSTing Part II.
Author: McCord
See Part I for Disclaimer
EXT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE - TWILIGHT
QUI-GON, OBI-WAN and JAR JAR run into a
CROW: …a bar. Qui-Gon turns and says…(looks at Mike and Tom). Have you two heard this one before?
murky lake and stop as JAR JAR tries to catch his breath.
TOM (Obi-Wan): Don't bother. It just keeps running.
The TRANSPORTS are heard in the distance.
QUI-GON : Much farther?
MIKE (Jar-Jar): If you ask that again I'm turning around and taking you home immediately.
JAR JAR : Wesa goen underwater, okeyday?
CROW (Obi-Wan): Actually, no, it isn't.
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN pull out small capsule from their utility belts that turn into breathing masks.
TOM (Batman): Robin, use the Bat-Breather!
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) My warning yous. Gungans no liken outlaunders. Don't expict a wern welcome.
ALL: Huh? What the hell is a wern?
OBI-WAN : Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes.
MIKE (Qui-Gon): Smart ass.
JAR JAR jumps, does a double somersault with a twist,
CROW: Now, was all that really necessary?
and dives into the water. Breath masks on, QUI-GON and OBI-WAN wade in after him.
TOM (Obi-Wan): Wait, I need to blow up my floaties.
EXT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN swim behind JAR JAR, who is very much at home in the water.
MIKE: Darn. I was hoping he'd drown.
Down they swim into murky depths. In the distance the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large bubbles, becomes more distinct.
TOM: All of a sudden, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan find themselves thrust into James Cameron's The Abyss.
They approach the strange, art nouveau habitat. JAR JAR swims magically through one of the bubble membranes, which seals behind him. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON follow.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Ugh. It feels like a giant Jello mold.
CROW (Qui-Gon): I hate Jello.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Oh, come on, there's always room for Jello.
INT. OTOH GUNGA - CITY SQUARE
GUNGANS in the square scatter when they see the strange JEDI.
ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Four GUARDS armed with long electro-poles ride two-legged KAADUS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN TARPALS, point their lethal poles at the dripping trio.
BOTS: (snickering)
MIKE: I thought I told you two to behave.
JAR JAR : Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals, Mesa back!
CAPT. TARPALS : Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.
CAPT. TARPALS gives JAR JAR a slight zap with his power pole.
(All cheer at Jar-Jar's pain)
JAR JAR jumps and moves off, followed by the two JEDI.
JAR JAR : How wude
CROW: …that I stole this line from the great Anthony Daniels and made it a mockery of its former self.
INT. OTOH GUNGA - HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM
The Bosses' Board Room
TOM: …suprisingly looked very much like the one at Microsoft.
has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. A long circular judge's bench filled with GUNGAN OFFICIALS dominates the room. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON stand facing BOSS NASS, who
MIKE: …is really Judge Ito.
sits on a bench higher than the others.
BOSS NASS : Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!
CROW (Qui-Gon): What the hell did you just say?
QUI-GON : That droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.
BOSS NASS : Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.
TOM (Boss Nass): They always got better grades than I did in school.
OBI-WAN : After those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and take control of you.
CROW (Obi-Wan): I mean, I know some people are into being dominated, but…
(Mike clamps his hand over Crow's beak)
MIKE: That's enough of that.
BOSS NASS : No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.
OBI-WAN : You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this.
TOM (Obi-Wan): Or I will be forced to kill you.
BOSS NASS : Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no care-n about da Naboo.
QUI-GON : (Waves his hand) Then speed us on our way.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): (deadpan) We're going to speed you on your way.
TOM (Qui-Gon): Obi-Wan, I don't need you going and falling under the influence of my mind tricks.
BOSS NASS : Wesa gonna speed yousaway.
QUI-GON : We need a transport.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): We're going to give you a bongo.
TOM (Qui-Gon): Stop that!
BOSS NASS : Wesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through da core. Now go.
QUI-GON : Thank you for your help. We go in peace
CROW (Don Cornelius): …love, and soul.
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to leave.
OBI-WAN : Master, what's a bongo?
QUI-GON : A transport, I hope.
TOM (Qui-Gon): Or a bong that I can smoke my crack rock in. Either way, it'll be a blast.
The JEDI notice JAR JAR in chains to one side, waiting to hear his verdict. QUI-GON stops. JAR JAR gives him a forlorn look.
JAR JAR : Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!!
QUI-GON : Thank you, my friend.
CROW (Qui-Gon): I won't help him… I won't help him… I won't help him…
JAR JAR : Ahhh...any hep hair would be hot.
CROW (Qui-Gon): Damn you.
JAR JAR's soulful look is counterpointed by a sheepish grin.
OBI-WAN : We are short of time, Master.
TOM (Obi-Wan): He'll ruin the movie.
QUI-GON : We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan may be of help.
ALL: Yeah, right.
QUI-GON walks back to BOSS NASS.
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?
BOSS NASS : Binkss brokeen the nocombackie
CROW: Oh, that's original. Is that the legal term?
law. Hisen to be pune-ished.
(All cheer)
QUI-GON : He has been a great help to us. I hope the punishment will not be too severe.
BOSS NASS : Pounded unto death.
(All cheer ecstatically)
JAR JAR : (Grimacing) Oooooh...Ouch!
OBI-WAN looks concerned.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): I'd enjoy seeing that, but it would bump the rating of the movie up to at least PG-13.
QUI-GON is thinking.
TOM (Obi-Wan): Don't hurt yourself, Master.
CROW (Qui-Gon): Smart ass.
QUI-GON : We need a navigator to get us through the planet's core.
MIKE (Qui-Gon): Unfortunately, it seems no navigators are available, only Jar-Jar.
I have saved Jar Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "life debt."
BOSS NASS : Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?
JAR JAR nods and joins the JEDI. QUI-GON waves his hand.
TOM (Qui-Gon): Nothing up my sleeve… You may check the deck if you'd like.
QUI-GON : Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.
BOSS NASS : Hisen live tis yos, outlauder. Begone wit him.
JAR JAR : Count mesa outta dis! Better dead here, den deader in da core...Yee guds, whata mesa sayin?!
MIKE: We've been trying to figure that out since you showed up.
EXT. NABOO CITY - UNDERWATER - SUB (FX)
A strange little submarine propels itself away from the Otoh Gunga, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.
ALL (singing): We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine…
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER
OBI-WAN in the co-pilots seat, JAR JAR guides the craft.
TOM: Oh, that's smart.
JAR JAR : Dis is nusen.
OBI-WAN : Master, why do you keep dragging these pathetic life forms along with us?
ALL: We'd like to know also!
...Here, take over.
JAR JAR : Hey, ho? Where wesa goen??
QUI-GON : You're the navigator.
JAR JAR : Yo dreamen mesa hopen...
CROW (Obi-Wan): Yeah, I'm hoping that also.
QUI-GON : Just relax, the Force will guide us...
JAR JAR : Ooooh, maxibig..."da Force"...Wellen, dat smells stinkowiff.
TOM (Qui-Gon): Sorry again, my fault.
JAR JAR veers the craft to the left and turns the lights on. The coral vistas are grand, fantastic, and wonderous.
MIKE (tour guide): And to the left are the grand, fantastic, and wonderous coral vistas.
OBI-WAN : Why were you banished, Jar Jar?
TOM (Jar-Jar): I'm really Jeffrey Dahmer in disguise.
JAR JAR : Tis a long tale, buta small part wawdabe mesa...ooooh...aaaa.....clumsy.
OBI-WAN : They banished you because you're clumsy?
CROW: Perfectly good reason if you ask me.
As the little sub glides into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to follow.
JAR JAR : Mesa cause-ed mabee one or duey lettal bitty axadentes...yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses heyblibber...den banished.
(All three sit there scratching their heads)
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: What?
CROW: Eh?
MIKE: Anybody have a clue here?
Suddenly there is a loud CRASH,
TOM (fighter pilot): Iceman is down! I repeat, Iceman is down! I need a S&R unit, ASAP!
and the little craft lurches to one side. QUI-GON looks around and sees a huge, lumimnous OPEE SEA KILLER has hooked them
CROW (fisherman): And when you finish your beer, don't just throw it over the side of the boat. Fill it up with water so it'll sink to the bottom!
with its long gooey tongue.
QUI-GON : Full speed ahead.
MIKE (Picard): Make it so.
Instead of full ahead, JAR JAR jams the controls into reverse. The sub flies into the mouth of the creature.
JAR JAR : Oooops.
OBI-WAN : Give me the controls.
TOM: That's first intelligent thing Obi-Wan has done so far.
OBI-WAN takes over the controls and the OPEE SEA KILLER instantly releases the sub from its mouth.
JAR JAR : Wesa free!
MIKE (William Wallace): FREEDOM!!!!
As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws, munching on the hapless KILLER. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDO AQUA MONSTER. The lights on the tiny sub begin to flicker
CROW: Strobe light!
ALL (singing): Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive…
as they cruise deeper into the gloom.
QUI-GON : There's always a bigger fish.
CROW (Obi-Wan): Thank you, Captain Obvious.
(Mike smacks Crow upside the head)
CROW: What was that for?
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
NUTE and RUNE stand before a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.
TOM (Nute): He looks familiar… hey, are you related to Senator Palpatine by chance?
NUTE : The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.
DARTH SIDIOUS : Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures.
CROW (Sidious): My filabuster was great. I started reading from an ancient Sith text. Knocked 'em dead. Of course, how was I supposed to know it was some ancient Sith curse?
By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.
MIKE (Sidious): I assume you'll have 'root' access by that time?
TOM and CROW: Huh?
NUTE : The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.
DARTH SIDIOUS : Queen Amidala is young and naive.
CROW: As evidenced by the fact that she has faith in the Senate.
You will find controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.
NUTE : Thank you, My Lord.
DARTH SIDIOUS fades away.
TOM (Yogurt): May the Schwartz be with yooooouuuuuu…..
MIKE: All right, no more Spaceball jokes.
RUNE : You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi?
NUTE : No need to report that to him, until we have something to report.
CROW (Nute): I wanted time to put it in a nice Excel spreadsheet, and maybe add a Powerpoint presentation.
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER
Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin. The sound of the power drive drops.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Qui-Gon, I dropped the sound of the power drive. Could you hand it to me?
OBI-WAN : .....we're losing power.
OBI-WAN is working with the sparking wires. JAR JAR panics.
CROW: There's a big surprise.
QUI-GON : Stay calm. We're not in trouble yet.
JAR JAR : What yet? Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here, all'n sink'n, and nooooo power! You nutsen! When yousa tink wesa In trouble?!!!?
TOM: Wow. Mike, did Jar-Jar just say something semi-intelligent?
MIKE: If he said what I think he said, you're right.
OBI-WAN : Power's back.
The lights flicker on, revealing an ugly COLO CLAW FISH right in front of them.
JAR JAR : Monstairs back!
CROW (Qui-Gon): I'd say we're in trouble right about now.
The large COLO CLAW FISH is surprised and rears back.
TOM (biker): Watch! I can do a wheelee!
The sub turns around and speeds away.
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Wesa in trouble now??
QUI-GON : Relax.
CROW (Qui-Gon): Think about your happy place.
QUI-GON puts his hand on JAR JAR's shoulder. JAR JAR relaxes into a coma.
OBI-WAN : You overdid it.
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The COLO CLAW FISH leaps after the fleeing sub as it shoots out of the tunnel and into the waiting jaws of the SANDO AQUA MONSTER.
OBI-WAN (Cont'd) This is not good!
TOM (Anakin): Hey, that's my line!
JAR JAR : Wesa dead yet?? Oie Boie!
JAR JAR's eyes bulge, and he faints again. The sub narrowly avoids the deadly teeth
MIKE: Talk about getting away by the skin of your teeth!
(BOTS groan)
of the AQUA MONSTER. The COLO CLAW FISH chasing them isn't so lucky. It is munched in half by the larger predator. The little sub slips away.
QUI-GON : Head for that outcropping.
TOM (Qui-Gon): We can hide in the corn field.
EXT. THEED - MAIN ROAD INTO THEED - DAY (FX)
The long columns of the DROID ARMY
ALL: Sig Heil!
move down the main road leading to Theed, the Naboo capital.
TOM: It's a droid Million Man March!
EXT. THEED PLAZA - DAY (FX)
As the QUEEN watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport carrying NUTE and RUNE lands in Theed Plaza. They exit the transport.
CROW (cab driver): That'll be $12.50.
NUTE : Ah, victory!
MIKE (announcer): The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!
INT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER - SUB (FX)
The little sub continue to propel itself toward the surface, which is brightly lit.
TOM (dive officer): Prepare to surface!
JAR JAR : Wesa dude it!
EXT. THEED - ESTUARY - DAY
Paradise. Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is a LOUD RUSH OF BUBBLES, and a small sub bobs to the surface.
CROW (kid): I got an apple! What do I win?
The current in the estuary begins to pull the sub backward into a fast moving river. OBI-WAN switches off the two remaining bubble canopies. QUI-GON stands up to look around. JAR JAR lets out a sigh of relief.
MIKE: Rolaids spells relief.
JAR JAR : Wesa safe now.
QUI-GON : Get this thing started.
JAR JAR : Dissen berry good. Hey?
OBI-WAN : What is it?
TOM: We're not sure either, Obi-Wan.
JAR JAR looks back to where they're drifting. He sees they are headed for a huge waterfall.
JAR JAR : What!!?? Oie boie!
OBI-WAN tries to start the engine.
CROW: He should have got a Die-Hard battery.
The long props behind the sub slowly begin to rotate. OBI-WAN struggles until finally, a few feet short of the waterfall, the sub starts and is able to generate enough power to stop drifting backward in the powerful current. The sub slowly moves forward. In the background, QUI-GON takes a cable out of his belt. The engine coughs and dies. They start drifting backward again. JAR JAR panics.
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Iyiiyi, wesa die'n here, hey!
TOM: Please, please do.
QUI-GON shoots the thin cable, and it wraps itself around a railing on the shore. The sub pulls the cable taut, and the little craft hangs precariously over the edge of the waterfall.
QUI-GON : Come on...
OBI-WAN climbs out of the sub and pulls himself along the cable. QUI-GON starts in after him.
MIKE: And now, the star rope artists for the Ringling Bros. Circus, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi!
QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Come on, Jar Jar.
JAR JAR : No! Too scary!
OBI-WAN : Get up here!
JAR JAR : No a mighty no!
ALL: Yes, please! Just stay on the boat!
JAR JAR looks back and sees he is hanging over the waterfall.
JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Oie boie...mesa comen. Mesa comen!
(All sigh in disappointment)
JAR JAR starts to climb out of the sub. OBI-WAN is on shore and helps to pull QUI-GON out of the water.
OBI-WAN : That was close.
BATTLE DROID 3B3 : (O.S.) Drop your weapons!
MIKE (Obi-Wan): Don't sneak up on me like that! I about had a heart attack!
The two JEDI turn around to see a BATTLE DROID standing in front of them. JAR JAR climbs up on shore between the JEDI.
BATTLE DROID 3B3 : I said drop your weapons
QUI-GON ignites his lightsaber, and in a brief flash,
CROW: Ewww… Qui-Gon's a flasher. Don't you wear anything under that robe?
the DROID is cut down by the JEDI. A stray laser bolt hits the cable and the sub breaks lose, crashing down the waterfall.
The JEDI move on. JAR JAR reluctantly follows and looks back at the mess.
JAR JAR : Whoa!!!
TOM: Since when did Keanu Reeves play Jar-Jar?
EXT. THEED - PALACE - DAY
The waterfalls of Theed sparkle in the noonday sun.
CROW: Sure, it's not Niagara, but it'll do.
INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY
QUEEN AMIDALA, SIO BIBBLE, and FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS (EIRTAE, YANE, PADME,
TOM: Hey, isn't Padme really…
MIKE: SHH! Don't give it away!
CROW: Oh, like everyone doesn't already know.
RABE, SACHE) are surrounded by TWENTY DROIDS. CAPTAIN PANAKA and FOUR NABOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NUTE and RUNE stand in the middle of the room.
BIBBLE : ...how will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
NUTE : The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured it will be ratified by the Senate.
MIKE: Why do the bad guys always feel it necessary to share their plans to the captive good guys?
AMIDALA : I will not cooperate.
CROW (Amidala): I want to save myself until I'm married.
NUTE : Now, now, your Highness. You are not going to like what we have in store for your people. In time, their suffering will persuade you to see our point of view. Commander. (OOM-9 steps forward) Process them.
OOM-9 : Yes, sir!
TOM: He sounds just a little too gleeful there.
(Turns to his sergeant) Take them to Camp Four.
The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.
MIKE (drill sergeant): Hamlet's mama, she's a queen…
BOTS (prisoners): Hamlet's mama, she's a queen…
MIKE (drill sergeant): Buys it in the final scene…
BOTS (prisoners): Buys it in the final scene…
MIKE (drill sergeant): Drinks a glass of funky wine…
BOTS (prisoners): Drinks a glass of funky wine…
MIKE (drill sergeant): Now she's Satan's Valentine!
BOTS (prisoners): Now she's Satan's Valentine!
EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY
QUEEN AMIDALA, PADME, EIRTA, YANE, RABE, SACHE, CAPTAIN PANAKA, SIO BIBBLE, and FOUR GUARDS are led out of the palace by ten BATTLE DROIDS. The plaza is filled with tanks and BATTLE DROIDS, which they pass on their way to the detention camp.
TOM (mad motorist): Hey! Don't pass on the right you a-hole!
Unbeknownst to them, QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and JAR JAR sneak
CROW: Well, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan sneak. How they don't see Jar-Jar we have no idea.
across on a walkway above the plaza and jump from a balcony to begin an attack to rescue the QUEEN.
FOUR BATTLE DROIDS are instantly cut down. MORE DROIDS move forward and are also cut down by the JEDIS' flashing
MIKE: What's the obsession by these guys about flashing the battle droids? The queen and the handmaidens I can understand…
lightsabers until there is only the DROID SERGEANT left. The SERGEANT starts to run but is pulled back to QUI-GON by the Force, until finally he is dispatched by the JEDI.
JAR JAR : Yousa guys bombad!
QUEEN AMIDALA and the OTHERS are amazed. JAR JAR is getting used to this. They move between two buildings
TOM: …where they are ruthlessly mugged and left for dead.
QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Chancellor.
BIBBLE : Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.
CROW (Qui-Gon): No shit, Sherlock.
QUI-GON : The negotiations never took place. Your Highness, we must make contact with the republic.
CAPTAIN PANAKA steps forward.
CAPT. PANAKA : They've knocked out
MIKE: Tyson in the first round?
all our communications.
QUI-GON : Do you have transports?
CAPT. PANAKA : In the main hanger. This way.
TOM (Panaka): Well, one transport, actually. A big, slow silver one that has no weapons, inadequate shielding, and only enough power to get to Tatooine.
CROW (Qui-Gon): It's perfect!
They disappear down an alleyway as the ALARMS are sounded
ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!
MIKE: Okay, no more alarm jokes either.
(All get up to leave)
MIKE: I think I need a shower.
TOM: I think I'm going to throw up.
CROW: Why Lucas, why?!
(All three leave theater)