Part II
"I am the Slayer."
Buffy's quiet statement caused Kuzak to vaguely regret that he had no convenient personal item or habit to fall back on as a distractive gesture, since he was rapidly becoming convinced that the young woman sitting across from him was not playing with a full deck. He fell back on opening his briefcase and taking out a pen and pad. He looked up at the quietly waiting Buffy and commented, "Really? That sounds interesting, Buffy. Why don't you tell me more about that?" He looked down at the pad, preparing to write down whatever she said. He was mentally regretting the fact that there was no insanity defense for what Buffy was being accused of when he was startled by the sudden sound of air being blown between someone's lips. He looked up to see Buffy glaring at him.
She looked at him and snapped, "Oh, that's really convincing, Sigmund!" She shook her head and commented, "I hate it when they make me do demonstrations." She looked at Kuzak and demanded, 'Get a quarter out of your pocket." Puzzled, Kuzak did so, and Buffy ordered, "Try to bend it." He tried, noting that the quarter was one of those 1999 editions with individual states on them-this one was Georgia. He failed to put any bend in it after thirty seconds of trying, and he looked and asked, "What was the point of that?"
She held her hand out, and he obeyed her implied instruction by dropping the quarter in her palm. She assumed the same position as he had, and applied force to the quarter. Kuzak almost jumped at the sound of ripping metal, and she motioned for him to hold his palm out. He did so, and she dropped the shorn halves of the coin in his hand. Astonished, he examined the coin, thinking to himself that Georgia had not had such a rough time of it since Sherman blew into it during the Civil War. Buffy commented snidely, "You can put that on my bill, Michael." She walked over to the stove and picked up a salt shaker, commenting, "I got this one from Blazing Saddles." She put the salt shaker on the table in front of Kuzak and instructed, "Put your hands two inches from each side of it." Kuzak did so, as he remembered the scene that she was talking about: * she can't be serious *, he thought. Buffy took up a position one foot away from him, her palms at her sides. She instructed quietly, "All right, whenever you're ready, grab it."
Kuzak had anticipated the command and began to slam his hands together the instant after he heard the word "it." There was a blur of motion and a brief wisp of breeze, and Kuzak's hands slammed together on air. Buffy was holding the shaker with an amused expression, and she put it back on the table, commenting, "I take it I've made my point, Mr. Big City Attorney?"
* Oh hell, Leland *, thought Kuzak sardonically, * what kind of weird shit have you gotten me into? * He managed to look up at Buffy and come up with a reasonably composed response: "You've convinced me that you are extraordinary for some reason I cannot quite understand, and if I ever become famous and/or rich enough to need a bodyguard, I'd call you first. However, there's a long way between that and believing in vampires or other supernatural things, Buffy." Though it would explain a lot, he thought.
Buffy sighed and called, "Mom?" The older woman walked in, concern on her face. Buffy inclined her head at Kuzak and complained, "He doesn't believe I'm the Slayer, Mom, and I showed him the coin trick and everything."
Joyce looked flustered, then leaned over to whisper to Buffy, "You told me you weren't going to tell him, Buffy." Kuzak heard, and he couldn't restrain himself from exclaiming, "You mean you believe in vampires and demons and all of that supernatural stuff?" Joyce looked embarrassed, but she stuck to her guns: "Well, yes, Mr. Kuzak. I've seen demons, and more than a few vampires; in fact, Buffy was dating one until a couple of months ago."
Buffy turned around to glare at her mother and snapped, "Great, Mom! As if things weren't bad enough, now you have to open old wounds." Joyce put her hand on Buffy's shoulder and mouthed "Sorry" to her daughter as Buffy nodded. Kuzak decided that this would be a bad topic to pursue, and he decided to try another tack: "Buffy, you and your mother certainly seem to believe what you're saying, but can you give me more convincing evidence that your accounts?"
Buffy smiled wickedly, and replied, "You could come out on patrol with us. We're going out in force, so the risk to you should be minimal. Consider it the deluxe tour of Sunnydale: cemeteries and lots and lots of the undead." She looked him over minutely and commented, "You might want to change first, though-that's a nice suit, and you wouldn't want to get dust on it."
Kuzak briefly contemplated running screaming out the door and getting the hell out of town, but curiosity got the better of him. He agreed to go, wondering what she meant by that dust crack.
*******
Seven hours later, as the group retired to Giles' apartment for an end of patrol review, any doubts Kuzak had about the supernatural, at least here in Sunnydale, were banished forever. The sun had barely set behind the cemetery (one of what seemed to be an uncomfortably large number in Sunnydale) that the seven of them were walking through when three men with bestial features attacked them. Kuzak watched as Buffy and Giles, who he gathered was his client's mentor, each engaged one of the monsters while Xander and Oz, two friends of Buffy's who had greeted him politely when Buffy announced that he would be accompanying them, teamed up against the third. As the fight went on, Willow, the red-haired girl who was another one of Buffy's friends, looked up at him with concern. "Are you okay, Mr. Kuzak? It's okay to be a little weirded out by this. . .in fact, we'd kinda be wondering about you if you weren't."
Kuzak looked at the concerned young woman and replied quietly, "I'm all right, Willow," but his expression said otherwise, and Willow squeezed his arm in support as they watched the fight. Buffy finished her opponent first, and she whirled around to see if her friends needed help, but they had things well in hand, and ten seconds later, there was nothing left of the three vampires but dust blowing away in the light evening breeze. They all turned to Kuzak expectantly, and he managed to say quietly, "Now I know what you meant by the dust," before crumpling bonelessly in a dead faint.
That had been rather embarrassing, but no one in the group had chosen to give him a bad time about it. During the course of the evening, which was mostly a lot of time spent walking around various cemeteries in search of vampires, Kuzak took the opportunity to talk to all of Buffy's friends, and they corroborated everything Buffy and her mother had said, and he even heard a few details of the doomed relationship between Buffy and a vampire named Angel. All right, he thought, I know why she does what she does and why she needs to continue doing it, but how in the hell do I defend her without spilling all of this secret crap all over the front page of the LA Times? Giles had made it quite clear: none of this could be allowed to become public: the shock to the public would be too great, and Buffy might be subjected to further interference from outside authorities. Giles also had told him that Buffy's previous lawyer had been retained by the organization that normally supported the activities of the Slayer, but that they had terminated him when Buffy and Giles had a falling-out with them. Giles had offered to assume the responsibility for paying Kuzak, but Kuzak told him (with Buffy's permission) that Leland had told him that the bills would be paid by an unknown benefactor living in Los Angeles. Giles response to that information was to smile cryptically and reply, "I see." Kuzak wondered what the hell that was all about, but restrained himself.
Late in the evening, seven vampires descended on the group, howling in bloodlust. The whole group went into battle mode, with Willow defending herself with a cross and what appeared to be a water pistol. Buffy had given him a stake and a cross, but told him to stay out of harm's way. He did so, but strangely, he started to feel left out of the whole thing. . .not that he was foolish enough to charge at one of the terrifying creatures. Abruptly, a vampire landed on its back, stunned, near him and he could hear Buffy curse at the mistake of tossing a vampire so near the helpless member of the group.
* Helpless my ass *, thought Kuzak, as he remembered Buffy's explanation of vampire vulnerabilities. He brought the stake down into the heart of the vampire as it struggled to rise, reducing it to dust. Adrenaline rushed through his body, and he laughed quietly before sinking into a sitting position. Having finished off the vampires, the rest of the group surrounded him, concerned and not a little impressed. Xander slapped him on the back and commented enthusiastically, "Nice job, Lawyer Guy!" Kuzak managed a gentle glare that sent Xander wandering off for a moment while Buffy sat down to him and whispered, "Well, at least now the prospect of court tomorrow evening can't seem too terrifying to you now."
* That's because you've never had to deal with the California court system before, Buffy *, thought Kuzak.
*****
Kuzak had rarely argued a case in night court-it certainly wasn't the standard in Los Angeles. When he had telephoned the assistant city attorney in charge of the case to inquire as to why the case was being heard at night, the attorney had explained that the scheduling was designed to meet the schedules of certain witnesses, who had insisted that they would not be available in the daytime. What would have seemed an oddity a few days ago raised serious suspicions in Kuzak now, given what he had learned during the previous night's patrol with Buffy and her friends.
As they walked up the steps of the Sunnydale courthouse, Buffy squeezed his arm and asked, "How are you going to do this, Michael?" He laughed and replied, "I don't know, Buffy. I've read all of the pre-trial documents, but apparently the trial judge and the attorneys waived a lot of the pre-trial discovery rules for some reason I can't fathom. I'm going to be flying blind here. Add that to the problem that I can't say in open court 'Well, it's because she is the Slayer, Your Honor,' and the bottom line is I'm going to have to wing it, what with the judge ruling that there will be no more continuances. Also, I can't ethically put you up on the stand to lie. . .not that any lie would have much chance here. . .the only justification for the things you are accused of is the real reason, which we can't tell them." He sighed and commented, "At least we don't have a jury to deal with. . .all we have to do is convince the judge."
Buffy nodded and looked at him with a serious expression on her face, "Then we'll just have to count on you coming up with a miracle, Michael. They're not unknown here." She smiled, and they walked into the courthouse and down the corridor to the main courtroom.
Kuzak was startled to see what looked like a packed house: night court was generally observed only by its participants, and perhaps a few derelicts who had no place better to go. Buffy's friends were all in the front row, but he could see that a large number of high school age teenagers were occupying most of the other seats. The back row was occupied by a rather ragtag group of people, many of whom seemed to have wardrobes that were rather outdated. He and Buffy walked to the front row, greeting her friends. Buffy recognized one of the other people in the front row and called out quietly, "Cordelia? What in the world are you doing here?"
A beautiful brunette looked up from the makeup mirror she was holding, then stood up politely and replied, "Oh, I was in town doing some shopping in stores that I missed, being in LA and all, and I heard from somebody that you were facing your long-awaited fate with the justice system. . .so I thought I'd come and see." Her words seemed rather flat and, on the surface, insensitive, but even Kuzak could see the concern in the dark eyes. Buffy evidently wasn't buying the callous act either, and Cordelia quickly became embarrassed at the appreciative expression on Buffy's face: she resumed her attention to the oversized vanity mirror.
Kuzak was about to go ahead and sit down at the defense table when he noticed the reflection of the back of the courtroom from Cordelia's mirror. His eyebrows went up, and he leaned down and whispered to Buffy, "Should I be concerned that none of the guys in the back row are casting reflections?"
Buffy glanced over at Cordelia's mirror and cursed quietly, before grumbling, "Yeah, they're vampires. Figures. . . I've been giving them grief for years, and now they're here to witness my downfall." They went through the swinging gate and sat at the defense table just in time to see the bailiff move forward and call out, "All rise." The occupants of the courtroom rose as one as the bailiff continued, "Night session for the Superior Court of California, City of Sunnydale, is now in session. The Honorable Chief Judge Randolph Thornton presiding." The judge entered the room, and Kuzak recognized him as a prominent judge who had accepted a lesser post as a way of reducing his workload as he entered his seventies. His appearance reminded Kuzak of the famous judge, later Commissioner of Baseball, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who was described by a baseball historian as resembling "Jupiter in a bad mood." The judge coldly surveyed the courtroom, then nodded at the city attorney before speaking:
"You may proceed, counselor."
All right, if you have any comments, praise, or references to a good mental health program, please feel free to pass them along.
"I am the Slayer."
Buffy's quiet statement caused Kuzak to vaguely regret that he had no convenient personal item or habit to fall back on as a distractive gesture, since he was rapidly becoming convinced that the young woman sitting across from him was not playing with a full deck. He fell back on opening his briefcase and taking out a pen and pad. He looked up at the quietly waiting Buffy and commented, "Really? That sounds interesting, Buffy. Why don't you tell me more about that?" He looked down at the pad, preparing to write down whatever she said. He was mentally regretting the fact that there was no insanity defense for what Buffy was being accused of when he was startled by the sudden sound of air being blown between someone's lips. He looked up to see Buffy glaring at him.
She looked at him and snapped, "Oh, that's really convincing, Sigmund!" She shook her head and commented, "I hate it when they make me do demonstrations." She looked at Kuzak and demanded, 'Get a quarter out of your pocket." Puzzled, Kuzak did so, and Buffy ordered, "Try to bend it." He tried, noting that the quarter was one of those 1999 editions with individual states on them-this one was Georgia. He failed to put any bend in it after thirty seconds of trying, and he looked and asked, "What was the point of that?"
She held her hand out, and he obeyed her implied instruction by dropping the quarter in her palm. She assumed the same position as he had, and applied force to the quarter. Kuzak almost jumped at the sound of ripping metal, and she motioned for him to hold his palm out. He did so, and she dropped the shorn halves of the coin in his hand. Astonished, he examined the coin, thinking to himself that Georgia had not had such a rough time of it since Sherman blew into it during the Civil War. Buffy commented snidely, "You can put that on my bill, Michael." She walked over to the stove and picked up a salt shaker, commenting, "I got this one from Blazing Saddles." She put the salt shaker on the table in front of Kuzak and instructed, "Put your hands two inches from each side of it." Kuzak did so, as he remembered the scene that she was talking about: * she can't be serious *, he thought. Buffy took up a position one foot away from him, her palms at her sides. She instructed quietly, "All right, whenever you're ready, grab it."
Kuzak had anticipated the command and began to slam his hands together the instant after he heard the word "it." There was a blur of motion and a brief wisp of breeze, and Kuzak's hands slammed together on air. Buffy was holding the shaker with an amused expression, and she put it back on the table, commenting, "I take it I've made my point, Mr. Big City Attorney?"
* Oh hell, Leland *, thought Kuzak sardonically, * what kind of weird shit have you gotten me into? * He managed to look up at Buffy and come up with a reasonably composed response: "You've convinced me that you are extraordinary for some reason I cannot quite understand, and if I ever become famous and/or rich enough to need a bodyguard, I'd call you first. However, there's a long way between that and believing in vampires or other supernatural things, Buffy." Though it would explain a lot, he thought.
Buffy sighed and called, "Mom?" The older woman walked in, concern on her face. Buffy inclined her head at Kuzak and complained, "He doesn't believe I'm the Slayer, Mom, and I showed him the coin trick and everything."
Joyce looked flustered, then leaned over to whisper to Buffy, "You told me you weren't going to tell him, Buffy." Kuzak heard, and he couldn't restrain himself from exclaiming, "You mean you believe in vampires and demons and all of that supernatural stuff?" Joyce looked embarrassed, but she stuck to her guns: "Well, yes, Mr. Kuzak. I've seen demons, and more than a few vampires; in fact, Buffy was dating one until a couple of months ago."
Buffy turned around to glare at her mother and snapped, "Great, Mom! As if things weren't bad enough, now you have to open old wounds." Joyce put her hand on Buffy's shoulder and mouthed "Sorry" to her daughter as Buffy nodded. Kuzak decided that this would be a bad topic to pursue, and he decided to try another tack: "Buffy, you and your mother certainly seem to believe what you're saying, but can you give me more convincing evidence that your accounts?"
Buffy smiled wickedly, and replied, "You could come out on patrol with us. We're going out in force, so the risk to you should be minimal. Consider it the deluxe tour of Sunnydale: cemeteries and lots and lots of the undead." She looked him over minutely and commented, "You might want to change first, though-that's a nice suit, and you wouldn't want to get dust on it."
Kuzak briefly contemplated running screaming out the door and getting the hell out of town, but curiosity got the better of him. He agreed to go, wondering what she meant by that dust crack.
*******
Seven hours later, as the group retired to Giles' apartment for an end of patrol review, any doubts Kuzak had about the supernatural, at least here in Sunnydale, were banished forever. The sun had barely set behind the cemetery (one of what seemed to be an uncomfortably large number in Sunnydale) that the seven of them were walking through when three men with bestial features attacked them. Kuzak watched as Buffy and Giles, who he gathered was his client's mentor, each engaged one of the monsters while Xander and Oz, two friends of Buffy's who had greeted him politely when Buffy announced that he would be accompanying them, teamed up against the third. As the fight went on, Willow, the red-haired girl who was another one of Buffy's friends, looked up at him with concern. "Are you okay, Mr. Kuzak? It's okay to be a little weirded out by this. . .in fact, we'd kinda be wondering about you if you weren't."
Kuzak looked at the concerned young woman and replied quietly, "I'm all right, Willow," but his expression said otherwise, and Willow squeezed his arm in support as they watched the fight. Buffy finished her opponent first, and she whirled around to see if her friends needed help, but they had things well in hand, and ten seconds later, there was nothing left of the three vampires but dust blowing away in the light evening breeze. They all turned to Kuzak expectantly, and he managed to say quietly, "Now I know what you meant by the dust," before crumpling bonelessly in a dead faint.
That had been rather embarrassing, but no one in the group had chosen to give him a bad time about it. During the course of the evening, which was mostly a lot of time spent walking around various cemeteries in search of vampires, Kuzak took the opportunity to talk to all of Buffy's friends, and they corroborated everything Buffy and her mother had said, and he even heard a few details of the doomed relationship between Buffy and a vampire named Angel. All right, he thought, I know why she does what she does and why she needs to continue doing it, but how in the hell do I defend her without spilling all of this secret crap all over the front page of the LA Times? Giles had made it quite clear: none of this could be allowed to become public: the shock to the public would be too great, and Buffy might be subjected to further interference from outside authorities. Giles also had told him that Buffy's previous lawyer had been retained by the organization that normally supported the activities of the Slayer, but that they had terminated him when Buffy and Giles had a falling-out with them. Giles had offered to assume the responsibility for paying Kuzak, but Kuzak told him (with Buffy's permission) that Leland had told him that the bills would be paid by an unknown benefactor living in Los Angeles. Giles response to that information was to smile cryptically and reply, "I see." Kuzak wondered what the hell that was all about, but restrained himself.
Late in the evening, seven vampires descended on the group, howling in bloodlust. The whole group went into battle mode, with Willow defending herself with a cross and what appeared to be a water pistol. Buffy had given him a stake and a cross, but told him to stay out of harm's way. He did so, but strangely, he started to feel left out of the whole thing. . .not that he was foolish enough to charge at one of the terrifying creatures. Abruptly, a vampire landed on its back, stunned, near him and he could hear Buffy curse at the mistake of tossing a vampire so near the helpless member of the group.
* Helpless my ass *, thought Kuzak, as he remembered Buffy's explanation of vampire vulnerabilities. He brought the stake down into the heart of the vampire as it struggled to rise, reducing it to dust. Adrenaline rushed through his body, and he laughed quietly before sinking into a sitting position. Having finished off the vampires, the rest of the group surrounded him, concerned and not a little impressed. Xander slapped him on the back and commented enthusiastically, "Nice job, Lawyer Guy!" Kuzak managed a gentle glare that sent Xander wandering off for a moment while Buffy sat down to him and whispered, "Well, at least now the prospect of court tomorrow evening can't seem too terrifying to you now."
* That's because you've never had to deal with the California court system before, Buffy *, thought Kuzak.
*****
Kuzak had rarely argued a case in night court-it certainly wasn't the standard in Los Angeles. When he had telephoned the assistant city attorney in charge of the case to inquire as to why the case was being heard at night, the attorney had explained that the scheduling was designed to meet the schedules of certain witnesses, who had insisted that they would not be available in the daytime. What would have seemed an oddity a few days ago raised serious suspicions in Kuzak now, given what he had learned during the previous night's patrol with Buffy and her friends.
As they walked up the steps of the Sunnydale courthouse, Buffy squeezed his arm and asked, "How are you going to do this, Michael?" He laughed and replied, "I don't know, Buffy. I've read all of the pre-trial documents, but apparently the trial judge and the attorneys waived a lot of the pre-trial discovery rules for some reason I can't fathom. I'm going to be flying blind here. Add that to the problem that I can't say in open court 'Well, it's because she is the Slayer, Your Honor,' and the bottom line is I'm going to have to wing it, what with the judge ruling that there will be no more continuances. Also, I can't ethically put you up on the stand to lie. . .not that any lie would have much chance here. . .the only justification for the things you are accused of is the real reason, which we can't tell them." He sighed and commented, "At least we don't have a jury to deal with. . .all we have to do is convince the judge."
Buffy nodded and looked at him with a serious expression on her face, "Then we'll just have to count on you coming up with a miracle, Michael. They're not unknown here." She smiled, and they walked into the courthouse and down the corridor to the main courtroom.
Kuzak was startled to see what looked like a packed house: night court was generally observed only by its participants, and perhaps a few derelicts who had no place better to go. Buffy's friends were all in the front row, but he could see that a large number of high school age teenagers were occupying most of the other seats. The back row was occupied by a rather ragtag group of people, many of whom seemed to have wardrobes that were rather outdated. He and Buffy walked to the front row, greeting her friends. Buffy recognized one of the other people in the front row and called out quietly, "Cordelia? What in the world are you doing here?"
A beautiful brunette looked up from the makeup mirror she was holding, then stood up politely and replied, "Oh, I was in town doing some shopping in stores that I missed, being in LA and all, and I heard from somebody that you were facing your long-awaited fate with the justice system. . .so I thought I'd come and see." Her words seemed rather flat and, on the surface, insensitive, but even Kuzak could see the concern in the dark eyes. Buffy evidently wasn't buying the callous act either, and Cordelia quickly became embarrassed at the appreciative expression on Buffy's face: she resumed her attention to the oversized vanity mirror.
Kuzak was about to go ahead and sit down at the defense table when he noticed the reflection of the back of the courtroom from Cordelia's mirror. His eyebrows went up, and he leaned down and whispered to Buffy, "Should I be concerned that none of the guys in the back row are casting reflections?"
Buffy glanced over at Cordelia's mirror and cursed quietly, before grumbling, "Yeah, they're vampires. Figures. . . I've been giving them grief for years, and now they're here to witness my downfall." They went through the swinging gate and sat at the defense table just in time to see the bailiff move forward and call out, "All rise." The occupants of the courtroom rose as one as the bailiff continued, "Night session for the Superior Court of California, City of Sunnydale, is now in session. The Honorable Chief Judge Randolph Thornton presiding." The judge entered the room, and Kuzak recognized him as a prominent judge who had accepted a lesser post as a way of reducing his workload as he entered his seventies. His appearance reminded Kuzak of the famous judge, later Commissioner of Baseball, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who was described by a baseball historian as resembling "Jupiter in a bad mood." The judge coldly surveyed the courtroom, then nodded at the city attorney before speaking:
"You may proceed, counselor."
All right, if you have any comments, praise, or references to a good mental health program, please feel free to pass them along.