Well, here it is, at last: The Speculum Curse, Act III: Remus. I hope it does not disappoint all those who have awaited it so impatiently. A couple of ffn people, who have made pretty good guesses as to what will happen, have been awarded cameos in this chapter. I hope neither one sues me for defamation of character.
THE SPECULUM CURSE
ACT III: REMUS
The story so far: Two days ago, the Slytherins put a serious personality-altering curse on James. Having done much research, our heroes know quite a bit about this curse: they know that, to break it, they'll have to get at a mirror concealed in the Slytherin quarters. They also know how to transfer it from person to person, and, as this chapter begins, it's Remus' turn to cope with its effects.
But you knew all that, because you've read the other two pieces, right? If not, you should. Remus is in them, too! He's even in character.
On Sunday morning all was peaceful in the room the Marauders shared. Tired out by their Quidditch victory celebrations, the boys slept late, even as the sun crept in through gaps in the curtains and moved slowly across the room.
Peter woke up first, feeling rather empty. A moment's thought revealed that all the violent impulses he'd become so used to recently were now gone. Immediately, he decided that he was grateful to his friends for curing him forcibly. He shuddered at the memory of his own behaviour. Really, attacking Snape! Normally, the mere though of standing up to that dark disdainful gaze brought him out in a cold sweat.
It had not been a bad fight, though, a small squeaky voice in the back of his head was saying. And the biting: the biting had been very effective. Perhaps Sirius could give him some tips for the future...
His gaze drifted quite naturally over to Sirius' much-battered bed with its chewed-up bedposts. And fell on something rather incongruous, highlighted by a pool of sunlight: a pair of thin legs sticking out from below. A burglar?!? Peter gave a shrill scream and sat up.
Everyone woke up at that: even the legs started backing out. Sirius, following Peter's pointing finger, leaned out of bed to give the limbs a bleary-eyed look. They looked familiar, in a friendly sort of way. A glance round the other beds helped him identify the owner: although, really, considering the Curse, it should have been obvious.
"Hey, Remus," Sirius yawned, "What areyou doing? Hunting dustbunnies?"
"No, hunting for your broom," a muffled voice replied.
"What!?!" Sirius exclaimed, leaping out of bed just in time to see a fully-dressed Remus emerge from under the four-poster, carelessly dragging his beloved souped-up patchwork of a broom. "Get your own broom!"
"I want to go for a ride," Remus explained calmly, moving towards the window, "And my Swooper-Sweeper is no good: a kids' broom, really."
"So? Leave the Century Falcon alone!" Sirius seized the other end of the broom possessively. "She's very sensitive; you'll ruin her! Take James' Tornado."
"Now, wait a moment... " James began.
"James' Tornado," Remus spoke slowly, as if to a backward child, "is in the broom shack. That's too far: I want to go flying now." Still holding the broom with one hand, he threw the curtains wide open with the other.
"But... but... You can't!" Peter gasped. "You can't just... fly out the window! It's so dangerous and so against the rules! Even Sirius won't do it!"
Remus fixed Peter with a very neutral expression that nevertheless managed to suggest that such petty rules just did not apply to someone as independent-minded and generally superior as himself.
Sirius took advantage of the moment to pull the broom away. Moving out of the immediate range of Remus' arms, he smoothed down the bristles with attentive affection.
Before Remus could react, James, having put on his glasses to help him think, spoke up. "If you must go flying, Remus, take Sirius with you." he suggested. "Go pick up my broom; it's more fun that way, you can race."
"Yeah," Sirius sent him a grateful look, "I'll show you the Secret Obstacle Course, just let me get dressed," he told Remus, attempting to pull his robes on with one hand while still cradling the Falcon.
This last bribe proved too much for Remus. "Oh, do put the broom down," he sighed. Deciding to wait, he walked towards the wardrobe mirror and started to poke at his hair with his wand. Peter followed, and watched in utter fascination as the hair arranged itself into a careful devil-may-care windswept style.
"Looking good," Remus winked at his reflection, pulling out a single curl and letting it fall over his right eyebrow.
The mirror-Remus winked back.
Sirius was less impressed. "Hurry up, Casanova," he growled, stepping onto his broom.
Remus abandoned his image and leapt up behind his friend; and, with a whoosh, the two went out the open window at an almost vertical angle.
James closed the window behind them and leaned against the pane.
"So, Peter, here is the plan," he announced. "The two of us will go look for the Slytherin's lair while Sirius babysits Remus. With a little luck, we'll be successful, and they will remain in one piece.
"They probably will," Peter replied. "Although I am a bit worried about Remus' hair."
Remus and Sirius, meanwhile, were fast approaching the shack. Sirius had decided early on that the best way to avoid detection was to fly low and fast; and he was proven right when they whizzed past Hagrid. The caretaker looked up from the Venus Mantrap he'd been lovingly tending and blinked.
What was that odd hunchback doing at a runaway broom of a Sunday morning? And why would anyone fly only waist-high? Even Hagrid-waist-high?
"'Ad too much cider las' night," he decided, rubbing at his throbbing temples.
"Wow! What a broom!" Remus said, jumping off the broom before it had quite stopped. "How did you get it to go like that?"
"Flex-charmed all the twigs to go more aerodynamic," Sirius explained proudly, circling him upside down. "It's illegal most places, you know: makes them more likely to fall out in bad weather. Or on sharp turns. Or at high altitudes. Worth it, though," he finished.
"Oh, yes..." Remus concurred. "You will let me ride it," he stated.
"If you catch me first, I will." Sirius promised. "Now, hurry up and break in, I'm tired of hanging around like this."
(One of the, um, few problems with his self-assembled broom was that, to control it at slow speeds, one had to fly it either upside down or backwards. This was not normally a problem, as 'Sirius' and 'slow speeds' did not mix.)
Remus, raring to race, was in and out in a flash and a flick of his wand. "Challenge accepted," he shouted, kicking off on James' broom.
Sirius was already flying away.
Passing over the practice fields near the castle, he kept to an acceptable groundspeed, focusing the Falcon's energies on climbing to a respectable altitude. Once the cold became impossible to ignore, he levelled off and looked back over his shoulder. Remus was well behind, wobbling about slightly: for all his enthusiasm, he was NOT an expert flyer. Sirius slowed a little as he felt his own broom buck under him: "clever thing", he thought. "She knows I'm not paying attention." Turning in a wide arc, he managed to keep an eye on the approaching Remus as well as on the view behind.
And what a view! The castle, a toy: the people, insects. Even the die-hard Quidditch players circling their field looked like far-off mosquitoes. Dismissing the desire to swat them, Sirius wished he could have such an intricate toy... or rather, he thought, correcting himself, he wished he could have had such a toy back when he was just a child.
Still turning, he looked beyond the castle, at the quilt of meadows and fields that unfolded towards Hogsmeade at the lake, at the Forbidden Forest. Freedom! How could James bear it, to be constrained by Quidditch rules whenever he flew at his best?
Sirius was free. Not even he himself knew where he would fly next.
His self-satisfied musings were interrupted by some triumphant shouting: Remus was dangerously close. Without thinking about it too much, Sirius dove. And soon he was heading towards what James called the Oak Racecourse. He was pleased. That would be a good course to start Remus on: those trees were really quite sturdy, and few were alive at all.
Remus was pretty excited to see that they were heading towards the Forbidden Forest. He loved that place: even on a human day, he found it fascinating beyond anything the wizard architects of Hogwarts could have constructed. On a wolf day, well, he was nearly sick with a need to delve into its mysteries. But yet he'd always stayed in the shack like a good little puppy, too busy fighting himself to concentrate on escape... "Oh, well, never mind that now," he thought, "self-reproach is a total waste of time."
Besides, he could see individual leaves now, and Sirius was fast disappearing in their shadow. Throwing his head back for a quick howl, Remus followed his friend.
Sirius heard the howl, and looked back briefly. What he saw rather impressed him: Remus, weaving in and out of the trees like a pro, was certainly getting the hang of this broomstick-slalom thing. It was almost troubling, as Sirius was completely opposed to getting caught. Leaving aside the loss of face this would involve, he had absolutely no intention of letting anyone else touch his broom.
Leaning forward, Sirius accelerated to a speed that was almost too fast for his reflexes to handle. Again and again, his heart would give a leap as he skirted round a tree at the last possible moment, narrowly missing its branches. This was what life was all about!
Mild crashing and snapping sounds coming from behind him implied that Remus' was not quite as adept at swift turns. And yet, the noises went on: he was clearly managing to stay on the broom, somehow.
Sirius was rather impressed. Still, he knew he would never forgive himself if James' broom suffered critical damage. With a sigh, he bore left and burst out of the forest.
"End of race's at the ASTRONOMY TOWER!" he yelled out over his shoulder.
Crashing out of the foliage right behind him, Remus whooped in agreement.
They sped along, ascending again almost up to the clouds. Remus took great pains with his exact course, avoiding all unnecessary movements, but the outcome of the race was no longer in any doubt: he had lost too much time being swatted by trees. He felt mildly disappointed as he pulled up right above the tower, jumping down beside the winner.
"Best view in the Castle," Sirius announced, throwing himself down beside the telescope. Under the guise of taking a good look around, he sent a brief inspecting look in his friend's direction.
"The view from a broom is better," Remus countered, cheerfully wiping the blood out of his left eye with the edge of his cloak. There was a trickle of it running from his brow all the way down to his chin: it gave him a rather disreputable air. His clothes did not help, as they were torn in several places, a large bloody scratch visible through the hole at his shoulder. The leaves in his hair, on the other hand, did resemble a laurel crown.
He looked like an underage Roman general just returned from a bloody but victorious battle.
While Sirius was eyeing Remus' cuts and bruises with a professional detachment, James and Peter were casting a similarly inquisitive eye through a pile of roughly-drawn maps.
"We should really combine all of these," James murmured. "Or at least make sure they're all using the same scale. It's hard to figure out what bits of the castle might contain a secret dorm, otherwise."
"Oh look, there's another one in here!" Peter exclaimed, poking his wand into the hollow chair-leg he'd just finished unscrewing. "This one has the Hogwarts corridor."
"Remember this one?" James waved a well-worn piece of parchment. "It shows the way to the Hall Of Obscene Male Statues."
"Remus says it's just the Hall Of Badly Carved Statues With Large Swords," Peter commented.
"Oh well, he would, wouldn't he? Anyway, we know the Slytherins don't live anywhere near there: Sirius mapped out that wing pretty thoroughly looking for the Female Statue equivalent."
"You know, I've heard of a spell for combining maps," Peter said, suddenly. "Didn't Thurt the Goblin King use one before the battle of Spitting Plains, or something?"
"Oh yeah!" James remembered. "I remember that lesson! Remus fell asleep and slid under his desk, and Sirius said that professor Binns should patent that story as a failproof spell for Combining Naps."
"I can't remember it, though," said Peter with some worry. "And I know we used our H of M notes to feed that Fire Elemental."
"It'll be in the library," James said.
So that's where they went.
Sirius, meanwhile, was wondering if there was any way he could get them to come up onto the roof and help. Being Remus' minder was a tiring job.
"Oh, come on! Just one more," his charge was saying. He definitely had his heart set on another race.
Sirius wasn't sure that this was such a good idea. He was no stranger to injury himself, but he didn't like seeing his friends covered in blood. Besides, he had this vague idea that Remus was concussed. He knew, from his own experience, that dizziness was one of the symptoms, and his friend seemed remarkably unsteady on his feet, reeling all over the place...
Reeling towards that gap in the battlements! Sirius grabbed at Remus' cloak and pulled him down into a sitting position.
"Why can't we just talk?" he asked, trying to get a look at his friend's pupils.
"And waste such a glorious Sunday? We can talk when we're back in class," Remus smiled. "Anyway, don't worry, I do not have a concussion. I'm just dizzy with excitement."
"What, because of the curse?" Sirius asked.
"Oh, who cares?" Remus threw up his arms, getting up again. "All that self-analyzing, self-control stuff... one might as well lock oneself in a shack all month long. It keeps you from truly living, and I want to suck the marrow out of life!"
"Nice metaphor... But..."
"Oh, no buts. Let's race again!"
Faced with such firm perserverance, Sirius felt somewhat deflated. An idea floated into his mind... this had to be exactly how the other Marauders had felt when discouraging him from trying to beat the Whomping Willow in arm-to-limb combat.
He was, therefore, trying to think of some way to distract himself, hoping that it would work on Remus. He decided to do some serious soul-searching.
"I wish we could get at some of Hagrid's cider," he sighed.
"Me too. I can't believe I've never had any," Remus, who was normally afraid of all mood-altering substances (even tea and sugar biscuits), agreed.
Sadly, at that moment, getting at the cider was clearly not possible: from their high perch, they could see both Hagrid and Fang puttering around outside the Groundskeeper's hut, trying to patch up a large burnt hole in the roof.
"I know!" Sirius sat up. "You could teach me to howl! That was quite a good one you did earlier, by the way," he concluded flatteringly.
"Thanks," Remus muttered. "Oh well, I suppose I had better do it - you'll never stop asking otherwise, will you?"
"No way!"
"Alright, listen carefully...."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The sound sailed out over the castle and the meadows, sending sharp spikes of fear into the hearts of the first-years playing by the lake, and causing the practicing Quidditch players to falter on their brooms. Beside the burnt hut, Fang barked out a mournful reply.
"W-wow," Sirius breathed. "Let's see, how's this: aaarrOOOOO!"
"I hope you won't take it the wrong way, but that sounds like a humorous puppy looking for its mother."
Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Alright then, aaaaaaaAROoooooooo!"
"Better. A puppy pretending that it's NOT looking for its mother. But still... Look here," Remus said firmly, "You need to be using all of your vocal range, and howling from your stomach and then your chest, watch:"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Circling above the Quidditch field, a player fell off. The first years ran inside, casting suspicious looks at the Forest. Fang whimpered, ears twitching nervously.
"AAAARRRRROOOO!"
Fang relaxed with a doggy shrug. The first years, less discriminating, ran even faster.
"Yes, that's much better," Remus said kindly. "Keep practicing."
Calling forth all his powers of concentration, Sirius tried it several times more. His howls sounded OK to him, although he really wished he could make them a bit more chilling. Was there a trick to it? He turned towards Remus to ask his advice.
But Remus was gone. As was the Century Falcon.
James and Peter were feeling rather pleased with themselves as they returned to their room, carrying a single map with possible Slytherin dorm locations marked out in purple ink.
Their faces fell, however, when they saw that Sirius was sitting on one of the beds, gloomy and alone.
"Is... is Remus alright?" Peter's chin wobbled. "Has he broken something?"
"Not my broom, I hope," Sirius said. "He swiped it, and gave me the slip!"
"Honestly, Sirius." James was rather amused. "You were outflown by a novice?"
Sirius' coal-black gloom let through some sparks of anger. "I had a crappy broom," he explained politely. "Badly misshapen after years of use by a certain malformed Quidditch captain." He stood up and started moving slowly towards his friends.
"As malformed as your nose is about to become?" James asked equally courteously, coming forward to meet him.
"Guys! Guys! Cut it out!" Peter called out, grateful that such pre-fight posturing gave him a chance to step in. It was pretty silly, though, losing the element of surprise like that, he thought... Shaking himself, he continued, "We really should concentrate on finding Remus..."
"Don't think I haven't been trying," said Sirius, turning towards him slightly. "I circled the castle, and checked all the likely places."
"Well, we've only just come from the library, and we didn't see you there... Are you sure you didn't forget something obvious? The Owlery, the Skychart Room?"
"The library, James?" Sirius snorted. "Haven't the last two days taught you anything? That's the last place Moony'd visit, today. I did look in The Accelerated Explosion Room and in The Lounge Where The Teachers Sometimes Leave Liquor, though."
"Oh, your favourite rooms. I see," James replied, "that you were looking not for Remus, but for solace."
"Who's Solace?" Peter asked.
Sirius and James abandoned their argument to give him a look. Peter met their eyes innocently. Pretending to be stupid could really work wonders.
At that very moment, there was a loud knock at the door.
"Remus!" Peter exclaimed, spinning around.
"No, solace," Livia grinned, leaning back on the door frame.
James narrowed his eyes. "What are you doing, barging into a boys' room?" he asked.
"I'm hardly barging in: the door was open," Livia explained, looking at them all with some amusement. "Anyway, all I wanted to do was ask if you boys are currently suffering from some kind of Bipolar Disorder curse."
"It's none of your business, you know," Sirius answered curtly.
"Oh, I know," she replied cheerfully, "It's just that I've recently seen James turn into a quivering jellyfish, Peter become quite pugnacious, and now you are being Rude To A Girl. And as for Remus..." She shrugged.
"As for Remus what?" James asked with completely unsuccessful mock-casualness.
"Don't you know?" Livia's eyes widened. "Well, well, well. Tell you what," she said lightly, "you all explain the situation to me and I'll tell you what your mysterious friend is doing. And where."
The three boys looked at each other. Peter opened his mouth as if to speak, but a furious look from Sirius made him close it so fast he bit his tongue.
Livia, meanwhile, was waiting, toying with her wand.
"No, we can't tell you," James decided. "No way."
"I suspected as much," Livia said darkly, turning to go. James and Sirius exchanged a look, and shrugged in helplessness.
Livia stopped as if struck by a sudden idea. "You know," she said. "I like your friend, and I wouldn't want him to come to any harm... so I'll tell you, anyway. I know I'll regret this," she continued, coming back in, "But all I want in return is for you, Sirius, to teach me how to do that wand-twiddling trick of yours."
James sighed in relief. "Done," he said.
"Hey!" Sirius called out. "Oh, fair enough. Where is he?"
"None of your business: you stay here and twiddle," Livia replied imperiously. "As for the two of you," she continued, "you can go and find your friend in the Herb Garden."
"Oh, that's alright," Peter squeaked with relief. "He can't come to much harm in the Herb Garden."
"Oh, but he is not alone," Livia replied archly, making herself at home on a chest. "But don't worry, I doubt you'll interrupt anything," she rolled her eyes at James' shocked expression, "even if that tramp Talulah is there, I doubt she'd try anything in front of all the other girls."
'All the girls'? Those were frightening words, indeed. Peter and James left at top speed.
"If he gives you any trouble, tell him I've got some cider," Sirius shouted after them. Then he sat down by Livia, and showed her how to twirl a wand.
"Not bad," he said of her efforts. "You know," he continued, struck by a sudden thought, "I bet a smart girl like you knows exactly where the Slytherin common-room is."
"Oh, certainly," the smart girl replied. "I even know the password, and everything. Why do you think I'm dating that buffoon Avery? It was my the only way of getting a peek at old Salazar's shrunken heads collection."
"Would you..." Sirius began.
"Oh, I'll tell you, sure enough," she interrupted. "In return for your broom."
"My broom? You are insane!"
While Sirius was discovering that neither insults, compliments, threats, nor heart-felt pleas would sway Livia, James and Peter finally reached the herb garden.
There, they did indeed find a group of girls. But no Remus.
"Good afternoon," James said stiffly. Some of the girls were fifth formers, and they gave him the creeps. "You haven't, by some chance, seen our friend Remus, have you?"
"He's giving Molly a ride on his broom," a Japanese-looking girl explained politely.
"Lucky Molly, eh, Yoshiko?" her plump friend giggled. Several others joined in.
"Hello there, James," a rather tall girl with waist-long black hair walked out from among the gigglers. "You haven't come to lure him away, have you?"
Her dark eyes met his. How could she stare like that without blinking? he wondered, colouring.
"I'm afraid so, Talulah," he replied, screwing up his courage.
"Good luck," she smirked, turning away slightly so that her profile was displayed to advantage. Raising her chin, she looked out over the treetops, as if waiting.
James and Peter waited, too.
"I think Livia's right about that Talulah Gosh," James said in a low voice, "She does sort of remind me of Snape."
"I think she's very... um... cute," Peter replied. "Snape isn't."
"Well, apart from that," James said crossly. "And apart from her being in Ravenclaw..."
This fascinating discussion was brought to a sudden end as a dark shape appeared over the trees. It drew closer, then closer yet; and, before anyone could even exclaim or point, the broomstick was executing a perfect landing on the central lawn.
Remus leapt off lightly. Unaware of how torn his robes had been, his friends could not know that he had fixed them up: it was, however, pretty obvious to them that he had transfigured his cloak into a nifty black leather number with "Born to Ride" written on the back in silver letters.
Silver-coloured letters, at least.
As James and Peter stared, Remus tossed the cloak over his shoulder and offered a hand to the blonde girl still sitting on the broom. Accepting with a smile, she jumped off beside him.
"Thanks. That was just wonderful," she said, giving him a peck on the cheek.
Peter stared, his mouth hanging open. "Nice cloak, Remus," he said.
"Ah, Peter! James!" Remus let go of Molly and turned towards his friends with a dazzling, toothy grin. Peter was vaguely disturbed: Remus' normal smile was more of a Mona Lisa affair, and he could see why. This version was oddly frightening.
"Hey there, Remus," James said, "Do you think you could come back to the tower with us? We have some, uh, important business to attend to."
Remus nodded cheerfully, and picked up the broom.
"Oh, no!" Talulah exclaimed. "You can't go! Not when it's my turn!"
"What, again?" Yoshiko asked suspiciously.
"Er," Remus said, looking from Talulah to Yoshiko to James.
Molly walked over to Peter's side. "I don't think your friend is very well," she said quietly. "Perhaps it would be best if you could persuade him to go..."
Peter agreed. "We have, er, cider?" he said, hopefully."
"Ah yes!" Remus exclaimed, turning towards the girls with an apologetic smile. "Well, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. See you..." There, he picked up his broom and walked up to his friends.
"Bye, Remus! Bye!" the assorted girls called out.
He waved back for a while, but soon turned to James with a sigh.
"So many girls, only one Remus," he said.
They walked back to the tower, Remus strutting on ahead, humming happily to himself. He drew several puzzled looks, and some upperclassmen were heard to wonder why they had never seen this student before. His friends were concerned.
"I am not sure that letting him drink cider is a good idea," James whispered.
"Maybe Sirius was just bluffing?" Peter suggested.
But Sirius had not been bluffing. When they entered the room, he was struggling to open a small barrel. The late-summer scent of apples in the air was already pretty intoxicating.
"Well done, Sirius!" Remus smiled, pulling out several chipped mugs. "How did you get it?"
"I dug up Hagrid's stash," Sirius explained. "I went there looking for you, and, well... just thought I'd take advantage of the situation."
"Sirius!" James poked his friend in the ribs sharply. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" he hissed, as Remus crouched down, filling the mugs.
"Don't worry, I have a plan," Sirius replied in an undertone. "Have a mug, Prongs, my friend!" he exclaimed loudly. "You too, Peter. Let's sit down and enjoy."
James sat down, full of misgivings. He had a feeling that Sirius' plan involved a lot of drinking and a high probability of failure.
"Hey, this is good!" Remus exclaimed, tasting his share. "Let's take it downstairs and have a party!"
"I have a better idea, Remus," Sirius replied, making himself comfortable against the barrel. "Since this is your first time drinking, and Peter's too, probably, you two should really learn to play some drinking games before you attempt to imbibe in public."
"It is not my first time!" Peter exclaimed indignantly. "I had some sherry at Christmas!"
"Wonderful," Sirius smiled. "You can help me demonstrate the first game. It's called 'I never.'"
"Go on," Remus had obviously accepted Sirius as the local authority on drinking etiquette.
"Well, it goes like this. One of us, me for instance, will say something like 'I have never drunk cider before.' You should really make it something you haven't done, but of course, when it's my turn," here he bowed his head modestly, "that will be rather difficult. Then, whoever has done it has to take a long, satisfying draught of cider. Like Peter, in this case," he waved an encouraging hand towards Peter, who frowned in concentration and took a small tentative sip. "Also James, and myself. Understood?" he looked around quizzically.
"Yes," James replied, wiping cider foam off his chin.
"I think so," Remus nodded.
"Um... yeah, me too," Peter finished, shuddering as the drink kicked in.
"Good. We'll go clockwise, and I'll start," Sirius announced. "Here goes: 'I have never been to the Slytherin common-room.'"
Remus gazed at his cup longingly and ran an impatient hand through his hair.
Peter, meanwhile, drank.
"Ooh, I'm very impressed, Peter." Sirius smiled sweetly. "Why did you go there? To apologize to Snape?"
"What?" Peter was confused.
"You weren't supposed to drink to that," James explained patiently. "You only drink if you have done it.
"But I have never done it," Peter was flustered.
"No, no, no," Sirius shook a despairing head. "Just remember this: the idea is to punish... er... reward the more experienced people by making them drink. You haven't experienced... well, almost anything, really, but, most relevantly, a tour of the Slytherin's quarters. So, you don't drink."
"But Remus hasn't, either, and he's drinking."
And so he was. Noticing their eyes upon him, he put down his mug. "Oh, this is such a waste of time. He'll never get it without practice. Let's just tell him when to drink," he suggested.
Peter was shocked and upset.
"Wow, I've never seen Remus be so inconsiderate of poor Peter," James said.
"You have now, so drink up," Remus announced triumphantly. "OK, my turn: I have never beaten Sirius in a broomstick race," he declared. Grinning dangerously, he drank again.
"Show-offs," Sirius growled, his eyes moving from Remus to James, who was also chugging away. "OK, I have a good one: I have never had a crush on a professor."
Nobody drank. Nobody spoke, either. After a while, it became clear that Remus was the general focus of attention.
"I do not have a crush on Min... Professor McGonagall!" he stated firmly, meeting their eyes. "But... oh, well, I'll drink anyway."
Sirius leaned towards James under the pretext of re-filling his mug. "See? All according to plan. He'll be drunk in no time," he whispered.
"Pardon?" Remus turned towards them brightly, before James had even had time to adopt a skeptical look.
"I was just saying that I've never turned into an animal," Sirius shrugged, with a wink at James.
"Soon, though, we all will," James smiled at the rapidly drinking Remus. "Once this mess is cleared up, and we can restart the Animagi project..."
"Why isn't Sirius drinking?" Peter asked suddenly.
"Because I haven't ever turned into an animal," Sirius rolled his eyes. "And you aren't supposed to drink unless..."
"You always talk about being a party animal," Peter pointed out, interrupting. "Besides, I'm sure it's my turn."
"Fine," Sirius took a quick sip. "Go on, then."
Peter was thinking. "I have never kissed a girl," he said quickly. He did not drink.
Everyone else did.
"Remus, you sly old dog! James!" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "I want names, dates, and places."
"Let's just say it's been an interesting afternoon," was all Remus would say.
James, meanwhile, refused to say anything, claiming that a girl's honour was at stake.
"In that case," Sirius told him, "I am afraid I do not believe you."
"Well... I don't believe you!" James shot back.
"But I've been giving you names, dates, and places for years!" Sirius looked affronted.
"Quite true," Remus laughed. "I still remember that story you told us back in our second year, about the Squarrely sisters."
"Yeah, the two sixteen-year-old prefects," James added.
"You believed me for a few days, though, didn't you?" Sirius asked. "I remember your shocked faces quite well."
"It wasn't true, then?" Peter asked breathlessly.
"He was lying back then, just as he's lying now, the lying hound," James explained.
"I may have been lying back then, but now... Now I have not only names, but witnesses!" Sirius announced.
"What, those women of easy virtue you hang out with?" James scoffed.
Sirius sat up, reaching for his wand. "Speaking of women I hang out with, you, James, are..."
"Oh, calm down, Sirius!" Remus had clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. "That's valuable drinking time you two are wasting!"
"You're right, Remus," Sirius sank back. "And, fine, James, I will believe you. I can certainly see how a girl's honour might suffer if it is disclosed she's been dallying with you..."
He slipped back further as James flung himself at him, arms outstretched. Cider flew everywhere as the usual battle began. James had the advantage in terms of size and technique, but Sirius seemed to feel no pain.
"What a waste," Remus said, shaking his head at the spilled liquid.
Peter did not reply. He was asleep, knocked out by the half-mug he'd consumed.
The fight was over as abruptly as it had began. James was just sitting on Sirius' back and pulling on his arm, when they both happened to look over at the cider keg.
Which was gone.
As was Remus.
"You idiot," they both said simultaneously, to each other.
They made peace quite quickly, though. It was a necessity. Between the two of them, they managed to rouse Peter, and all three descended the stairs rather unsteadily and began their search.
They found their trail almost immediately.
"Hello, guys," Livia looked up from a chair by the fireplace. "Lost him again, have you?"
"Where did he go?" James asked abruptly.
Livia raised her eyebrows. "What's the magic word?" she asked.
"Oh, you want to hear a magic word, do you?" Sirius asked, drawing his wand.
She laughed in reply. "He went outside, of course, where else? But," she continued, I am so terrified by this enormous wand that I'll tell you more. I know for a fact that she-who-must-not-be-named was hovering in desperation right outside our door; I'd assume he met her, and she dragged him off to her lair.
"She-who?" Peter frowned.
"You mean Talulah, don't you?" Sirius asked. "Wait a moment," he frowned at her cheerful nod, "Why are you so happy? Isn't she your sworn enemy? Surely you can't approve of her capturing Remus?"
"So many questions," Livia sighed, turning back to the stack of nautical charts she'd been studying. "I have one for you: If you don't trust me, why don't you run along and ask someone else? Although, really, I would suggest that you go upstairs. And sleep it off. Your friend will come back in his own time."
Her self-satisfied air seemed to imply that she knew far more about the whole situation, but this was normal for a girl who supplemented her allowance by selling information. At any rate, she would add nothing to her suggestions. Giving up in disgust, the Marauders stepped out through the portrait-hole.
They immediately ran into two Gryffindor second-years, who were loitering under the portrait, all shifty-eyed innocence.
"Have you forgotten the password, then?" James asked tolerantly.
"Nah... we're, um, waiting for a friend..." one of them stuttered out, looking at the edge of his robes.
"Have you seen our friend Remus?" Peter asked, smiling to put them at their ease. "Brown hair, tired-looking, you know?"
There was a moment of silence. "We weren't here back then," the braver boy volunteered at last.
"Back when?" Sirius asked suspiciously. "What are you trying to hide? A-ha! I've got it!" he announced, grinning broadly. "I know exactly why you dirty little piglets are here, so don't try any tricks with me, or I'll call a prefect. And do tell us all you know about Remus."
This threat worked wonders: and, after a few minutes cross-examination, they knew that Remus had not looked tired, that he'd been wearing a "real cool cloak" and carrying some apple juice (but he wouldn't let them have any) and that he'd been met by "the Ravenclaw girl with the hair." Further investigation revealed that she'd invited him to her 'boo-duar' and that she'd been very admiring of his tattoo.
"What tattoo?" James asked, suspecting the worst.
"The weird one on his arm," the second-year trembled.
"The mark of the Curse," Sirius breathed. "Well," he said to his friends, "I guess we should check out the Ravenclaw dorm. And as for you two," he turned towards the smaller boys, "What you're waiting for will never happen, so run along."
They walked off towards the library section.
"What will never happen?" Peter asked as soon as they were out of earshot. "You sounded a bit like Professor Trelawny, there."
"Don't you remember that story I told all the other first years? Sirius asked him, smirking, "About the fat lady changing clothes at the stroke of midnight?"
"Oh yeah," James recalled. "I do remember that you've always been a pervert."
This was the last lighthearted moment they were to share for some time. Even if they now had a good idea of where Remus was, reaching him proved impossible: for the Ravenclaw's door was guarded by stone ravens, and they stood no chance of breaking in without alerting the ferocious Professor Toedlicher-Schnapps. Returning to their bedroom at eleven, they decided to wait. They could not risk being seen by the teachers at this hour, and the invisibility cloak had disappeared with Remus.
The atmosphere as they settled down was very tense. Sirius came up with several plans, but all were shot down by James, which did nothing to help. Neither did the headaches all three were developing. It was a miserable time, and many minutes ticked away in sullen silence.
At last, Sirius sat up sharply. He could hear noises down in the common-room. Not footsteps, though: singing? Exchanging quick looks, the Marauders rose and hurried down the stairs.
The noises quickly resolved themselves into a drunken song about goblins. They ran faster. Reaching their destination, they were greeted by an unusual sight.
Livia had been right. Remus had appeared in his own time, if not exactly under his own steam. His legs seemed to be giving him some trouble, and even with the help of two Gryffindor girls he was still reeling around erratically.
"There you are, Remus!" Peter rushed towards his friend. "We've been ever so worried!"
"We'll take over from here," Sirius said to the girls. "We're been looking for him."
"Your search was not exactly a dogged one, now was it?" the frizzy-haired girl commented, offering Remus' arm to the other Marauders. "He was stumbling around his own dorm when we found him."
"A likely story. Isn't that lipstick on his collar yours?" James peered at the girls suspiciously.
"Does that look like my colour?" the second girl was quite indignant. "Come on, Moon, let's get out of here."
"Good idea. They're all barking mad, if you ask me," Moon replied.
The girls swooshed off in their dressing-gowns, and the boys began the Sisyphian task of getting Remus up the stairs. He was, by that point, quiet and unconscious, a surprisingly heavy dead weight with a marked tendency to slip out of their hands.
"At least the cloak's still here," James sighed, searching through his friend's pockets as they arranged him on his own bed. "Well, what do we do now?"
"We tie him to me, of course," Sirius replied. "Come on, it does make sense," he continued when faced with James' skeptical gaze. "We've been making the mistake of putting the curse on naturally calm people, so of course they've been freaking out. If we put it on me, the result is bound to be a boring, charmless individual."
Well, it did make sense. Even if James did not exactly agree that Sirius' natural state was charming and interesting.
So, that's what they did, before sinking into disappointed dreams. They had made little progress towards finding the Slytherin's lair.
Sirius woke up a little bit later. He could feel Remus stirring beside him.
"You OK?" he asked.
"Um, my head hurts quite a bit," Remus replied with forced lightness.
"Hangover," Sirius said knowledgeably. "Come on, we'll get you something so I can sleep."
Together, they got Remus' painkillers out and opened the bottle. As they were attached to each other, and had only two free hands between them, this took quite a bit of teamwork. They managed it without waking the others, however, and Remus was finally able to rest easy as the pills began their work.
"What a day..." he whispered. "At least one good thing has come out of it, though..."
"Your learning to fly?"
"And your learning to howl..." from the sound of his voice it was clear that Remus was smiling. "That too, of course, but what I meant, really, is that I have found out where the Slytherin common-room is."
"What?" Sirius sat up.
"Shhh... Let them sleep. I've got the map right here."
There was a crinkling sound. Sirius relaxed and felt for the parchment. "Where did you get this?"
"From Livia."
"From... How? You didn't promise her my broom, did you?" Sirius' voice grew suspicious.
"No... It was a fair swap... It's all a bit fuzzy now; to be quite honest it was quite fuzzy then, too," Remus explained dryly. "She said that she'd give it to me if I told her how to get into Talulah's room, and that Talulah was looking for me, anyway..."
"Wow!" Sirius' awe was genuine. "You're one of those sex spies, like Mata Hari."
Remus groaned. "Curse that curse! I feel just awful now, wondering what Livia is planning to do with the information I provided."
"You really like that Talulah, then?"
"I hardly know her... Stop snickering, it's true. I know Livia's pretty ruthless, though, and she said something about Hair Dissolving Potion and shampoo..."
They lay there for a while, trying to doze off.
"Sirius," Remus whispered, suddenly. "You've been drunk before, haven't you?"
"Yes. Don't worry, the hangover clears up in a day or so."
"Oh, never mind that. I'm more interested in the memories."
"The memories?"
"Does it always feel like you're remembering scenes fuzzily, through a mist, and not in the right order?"
"Yes. You forget things, too, which can be a blessing... Or so I've heard people say, I mean, I haven't really been drunk all that much, to be honest."
Remus sighed. "I see. I was just thinking that it feels, well, familiar. A bit like the day after the full moon."
"Really? In that case, I'll get drunk at the next possible opportunity. I want to know all there is to know about being a werewolf."
"Thanks, Sirius."
"Don't mention it. One thing, though: the Curse. What did that feel like?"
"Can't you feel it on yourself, yet?"
"Well, I am being unusually introspective... But I don't feel all that changed, not essentially."
"I didn't, either."
"Come on! Have you, in your drunken stupor, forgotten that I was there? If you were acting like yourself, I'll eat Peter's rat!"
"No, really," Remus explained earnestly. "I've always wanted to do all that stuff, I've just been too busy worrying about the consequences. Too busy with other worries, too: honestly, I'm such a sad case, normally. Then, this morning, I had this clear idea that I had just one day to have as much fun as possible. It made perfect logical sense."
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "Put like that, it does. You were very good at having fun, too, I'd say. And I'm an expert, as you know."
"Well, I don't think the drinking was entirely worth it. But maybe I'm just saying that now because it feels like a dozen house-elves are scrubbing out my head from the inside."
"Does it? I bet they got the wrong address: I'm the one who's supposed to have a dirty mind, after all. Wasn't it fun while you were drunk, at least?"
"Not sure. I was feeling... very strange, by then. Frantic. Trying to keep the party in my head going, by any means necessary. But perhaps," Remus voice grew cautious, "you know what I mean?"
"Yes, I suppose I do," Sirius was serious for once. "Boredom is so... empty. Makes one... think about things."
They grew silent, then. Thinking about things.
Sirius' voice broke the spell. "So, all those girls. Did you get any?" It was thus clear what things he'd been thinking about.
"I wouldn't tell you even if I knew what you meant," was Remus' cool reply.
"Oh, come on. Share your wisdom."
"I'm asleep. Go away, or I'll bite you."
Will Sirius go away, or will Remus have to bite him? And what will the following morning bring? How will Sirius act? Will the Slytherin break-in go smoothly? I promise to answer all these questions, and more, in a week or two.
Like I said, I hope you're not disappointed and/or outraged. For the record, I would like to state that getting so drunk that you feel house-elves moving about in your head is definitely not worth it. Especially if you're a young teenager.
I think this is the longest piece I've finished so far (which partly explains why it's taken so long.) Now, I have this theory that the shorter a piece, the more reviews it gets, so I am guessing this one will get very few. I would, however, love to be proven wrong. How did all you lovely people like the cursed Remus?