Hello and thank you for joining us this evening. *authoress takes a drag from her pipe and leans back in the Comfy Chair* Tonight, on Masterpiece Theatre, it's Charles Dickens' classic novel, "Bleak House," a tale of madcap humor and hentai innuendo. Starring Dame Judi Dench and Alec Guinness. Wait a min-- he's dead, isn't he? OK then, Judi Dench and Kermit the Frog. And now for something completely different--
*Otto, clothes in tatters, crawls out of the wreckage of the Tallgeese after his kamikaze assault on the Sanc Kingdom.* "It's..." *collapses*
Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!) Part 4
by Euterpe
(Note: I don't own Monty Python either. And this fic contains a lot of Relena-bashing, Wufei-bashing, and the merciless assault of countless other poor souls, so if this upsets you, I suggest you not to proceed. Remember, it's all supposed to be in good fun.)
Disclaimer: *Trowa enters, walks to the middle of the stage and leans against the wall, arms folded. He and the authoress have apparently worked out their differences* "Go ahead, Trowa." "..." "Please?" *Trowa looks straight ahead, and begins to speak in a calm voice, with just a slight hint of resentment* "It's not hers." *from backstage* "There now, was that so hard to do? All right, I'll keep my end of the bargain." *snaps fingers. Euterpe's assisstants Qtpi123 and SpeedyChta untie Quatre, whom they have taken hostage, and remove the gag from his mouth* "Trowa!" *Quatre runs up onstage and glomps his lover* "You did a wonderful job, Trowa! I'm so proud of you! Let's go home and celebrate-- I think there's still some whipped cream left over in the fridge from Part 2." *Trowa puts his arm around Quatre's shoulder and begins leading him offstage* "They've got us outnumbered, little one. We'd better move quickly."
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Treize stood in his palace at Luxembourg and sniffed yet another rose, contemplating his plans for the future. 'That young woman Relena Peacecraft has successfully united the citizens of Earth under the Romafeller Foundation. But now her usefulness has come to an end and she must be deposed. She can no longer reign as Queen of the World. I will take over in her stead.'
"Soon /I/ shall be Queen of the World!" he shouted out into the empty hallway, before the impact of his words sank in. "Um, wait, no. Actually, I meant king. Yes, King of the World!" He looked around embarassed, hoping that no one had been there to notice his mistake. He tucked the rose into his lapel and made his way down the hall to prepare for another bubble bath.
*****
Quinze admired the newly-completed Battleship Libra as he stepped on board. "Ah, I see that it is now equipped with all the modifications necessary for White Fang to bring the Earth to its knees and give the colonists total supremacy! Excellent. I shall start with the inspections immediately." He strode down the hallway purposefully. "Giant Earth-destroying laser-- operational. Zero-gravity control for cool floating effects-- operational. And my piece-de-resistance--" he sighed in anticipation as he neared the entrance. "An Old Navy store on every deck. Now I'll be able to buy those cool blue vests that show the enemy we're terrorists that don't mess around. Ooh! I wonder if they've got the new performance fleeces in yet!"
*****
'There's nothing like polishing up your Gundam on a Saturday night,' thought Duo as he floated down the corridors of the Peacemillion and towards the hangar where his Deathscythe was stored. But the sight he was met with when he opened the door made him want to lose his lunch for the second time in this series. 'Damn it. I knew I should've knocked first.' He saw a sight that he was positive would blind him for life.
"Nataku, it's been so long. I've been desperately lonely without you. Please let me ride you once more!" Wufei was sprawled out naked across the Altron Gundam. "Let us serve justice once again!"
Duo had known that Wufei was attached to his mech, but this just struck him as pathetic. 'Man, the guy can't get a real date on the weekend, so he has to settle for "riding" his Gundam. Hell, I can do better than that. No wait, I can't. That's what I'm doing in the hangar on a Saturday night in the first place. Actually, Wufei has the right idea.' "Oh Deathscythe, where are you?" he called. "Let's check out your new thermal blade!"
*****
This one's a tribute to the "cut" version that aired on Cartoon Network-
Altron's spear pierced through the armor of the Tallgeese II, sending the mech into a giant explosion and ending the life of its pilot, Treize Kushrenada. At one time, Wufei would have been satisfied to bring about the death of an enemy, since he believed that it was justice being served. But in his final confrontation with Treize, he had come to recognize his spirit of nobility and integrity, and looked upon him as an equal warrior in battle. But Treize had been too eager to bring about the peace that could only come through his own death, and Wufei's hasty actions had done him in. As the tears welled up in his eyes, the Chinese pilot slammed his fist down on his control panel, venting his frustrations verbally: "Gosh-darn you, Treize, you stinker!"
*****
The tall blond girl kept lunging at him with her fencing foil, leaving Quatre no choice but to battle for his life. As she overzealously thrust her weapon forward, she knocked his the foil from his hand. The Arabian let out a small 'eep' of panic, and before he had a chance to react, Dorothy Catalonia had run him through. 'Argh! Stupid psycho chick! I shall make her pay for that! Mwhahaha!' he thought to himself. But instead he calmed down and recalled the anger management courses that Trowa had wisely persuaded him to take, once he had gotten his memory back and recalled just /how/ he had gotten his amnesia in the first place. "Say the opposite of what you mean," the course instructor had explained. "It'll help you get yourself back under control and allow you to handle the situation appropriately."
Quatre was sure that the instructor had never anticipated this kind of situation, but he tried to follow his advice anyway. 'All right, the opposite of what you mean...' He had to struggle to get the words out, especially since his side was really hurting. "You're a kind person, Dorothy. You're even kinder than I am. I don't think that you're a psychotic bitch at all. In fact, I completely forgive you and I don't think that you should go to Hell. And I definitely don't want to get into my Gundam and blow you to little pieces." He smiled sweetly at her and then passed out. 'Wow,' Dorothy thought. 'This guy is like a saint. He almost makes me feel bad for stabbing his guts out.' She considered this carefully, then shook her head. 'Nah.'
*****
Foreign Minister Relena Peacecraft boarded her plane, about to depart for another conference. She was so glad the war was finally over. Maybe now she could find happiness with a certain spandex-clad pilot with homicidal/suicidal tendencies. She never knew when he would show up next. As she made her way toward her seat, she brushed shoulders with a janitor of slight build who was now getting off the plane. When she came to her seat, she found a teddy bear seated there with a note next to it. She open the note carefully. Inside it said:
"Relena,
I don't love you and I never will. In fact, I hope you die a very painful death. To ensure this, I've implanted a small explosive device within the teddy bear on your seat. You'd better make out your will very quickly. -Heero Yuy
P.S.-- Look outside your window"
Relena did as the note instructed. There was Heero, standing a safe distance away and wearing the janitor's uniform. The former Queen of the World smiled at him and tore up the note. "Heero, you joker, you. Next time, deliver it to me in person." Heero gave her the finger and walked away. "That silly boy. He really makes me laugh sometimes. Now what did that note say? I should've looked at it again before I tore it up. Oh well, I'll just enjoy this lovely teddy bear. Hello, teddy b-" *KABOOM!*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*Stretches and sighs* Well, that's it...finally done with the series. Thanks again to my sis Qtpi123 and to everyone out there who bothered to read and review my insane ramblings. Look for my next story to come out soon, it'll be a full-length humor feature. And now, it's time for me to crawl back into my padded room...
*Back to the Sanc Kingdom. Otto's lifeless corpse is being dragged away by several OZ soldiers. OZ soldier #1 leans in and says to OZ soldier #2:* "You wanna swing by Pizza Hut and grab a slice when we break for lunch?" "Sounds good to me. But I've gotta be back by one. They need me on the set to scream 'It's a Gundam!' and then die in a horrible explosion." "You too, huh? Man, we really should unionize."
*Otto, clothes in tatters, crawls out of the wreckage of the Tallgeese after his kamikaze assault on the Sanc Kingdom.* "It's..." *collapses*
Gundam Shorts (No, Not the Spandex Kind!) Part 4
by Euterpe
(Note: I don't own Monty Python either. And this fic contains a lot of Relena-bashing, Wufei-bashing, and the merciless assault of countless other poor souls, so if this upsets you, I suggest you not to proceed. Remember, it's all supposed to be in good fun.)
Disclaimer: *Trowa enters, walks to the middle of the stage and leans against the wall, arms folded. He and the authoress have apparently worked out their differences* "Go ahead, Trowa." "..." "Please?" *Trowa looks straight ahead, and begins to speak in a calm voice, with just a slight hint of resentment* "It's not hers." *from backstage* "There now, was that so hard to do? All right, I'll keep my end of the bargain." *snaps fingers. Euterpe's assisstants Qtpi123 and SpeedyChta untie Quatre, whom they have taken hostage, and remove the gag from his mouth* "Trowa!" *Quatre runs up onstage and glomps his lover* "You did a wonderful job, Trowa! I'm so proud of you! Let's go home and celebrate-- I think there's still some whipped cream left over in the fridge from Part 2." *Trowa puts his arm around Quatre's shoulder and begins leading him offstage* "They've got us outnumbered, little one. We'd better move quickly."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Treize stood in his palace at Luxembourg and sniffed yet another rose, contemplating his plans for the future. 'That young woman Relena Peacecraft has successfully united the citizens of Earth under the Romafeller Foundation. But now her usefulness has come to an end and she must be deposed. She can no longer reign as Queen of the World. I will take over in her stead.'
"Soon /I/ shall be Queen of the World!" he shouted out into the empty hallway, before the impact of his words sank in. "Um, wait, no. Actually, I meant king. Yes, King of the World!" He looked around embarassed, hoping that no one had been there to notice his mistake. He tucked the rose into his lapel and made his way down the hall to prepare for another bubble bath.
*****
Quinze admired the newly-completed Battleship Libra as he stepped on board. "Ah, I see that it is now equipped with all the modifications necessary for White Fang to bring the Earth to its knees and give the colonists total supremacy! Excellent. I shall start with the inspections immediately." He strode down the hallway purposefully. "Giant Earth-destroying laser-- operational. Zero-gravity control for cool floating effects-- operational. And my piece-de-resistance--" he sighed in anticipation as he neared the entrance. "An Old Navy store on every deck. Now I'll be able to buy those cool blue vests that show the enemy we're terrorists that don't mess around. Ooh! I wonder if they've got the new performance fleeces in yet!"
*****
'There's nothing like polishing up your Gundam on a Saturday night,' thought Duo as he floated down the corridors of the Peacemillion and towards the hangar where his Deathscythe was stored. But the sight he was met with when he opened the door made him want to lose his lunch for the second time in this series. 'Damn it. I knew I should've knocked first.' He saw a sight that he was positive would blind him for life.
"Nataku, it's been so long. I've been desperately lonely without you. Please let me ride you once more!" Wufei was sprawled out naked across the Altron Gundam. "Let us serve justice once again!"
Duo had known that Wufei was attached to his mech, but this just struck him as pathetic. 'Man, the guy can't get a real date on the weekend, so he has to settle for "riding" his Gundam. Hell, I can do better than that. No wait, I can't. That's what I'm doing in the hangar on a Saturday night in the first place. Actually, Wufei has the right idea.' "Oh Deathscythe, where are you?" he called. "Let's check out your new thermal blade!"
*****
This one's a tribute to the "cut" version that aired on Cartoon Network-
Altron's spear pierced through the armor of the Tallgeese II, sending the mech into a giant explosion and ending the life of its pilot, Treize Kushrenada. At one time, Wufei would have been satisfied to bring about the death of an enemy, since he believed that it was justice being served. But in his final confrontation with Treize, he had come to recognize his spirit of nobility and integrity, and looked upon him as an equal warrior in battle. But Treize had been too eager to bring about the peace that could only come through his own death, and Wufei's hasty actions had done him in. As the tears welled up in his eyes, the Chinese pilot slammed his fist down on his control panel, venting his frustrations verbally: "Gosh-darn you, Treize, you stinker!"
*****
The tall blond girl kept lunging at him with her fencing foil, leaving Quatre no choice but to battle for his life. As she overzealously thrust her weapon forward, she knocked his the foil from his hand. The Arabian let out a small 'eep' of panic, and before he had a chance to react, Dorothy Catalonia had run him through. 'Argh! Stupid psycho chick! I shall make her pay for that! Mwhahaha!' he thought to himself. But instead he calmed down and recalled the anger management courses that Trowa had wisely persuaded him to take, once he had gotten his memory back and recalled just /how/ he had gotten his amnesia in the first place. "Say the opposite of what you mean," the course instructor had explained. "It'll help you get yourself back under control and allow you to handle the situation appropriately."
Quatre was sure that the instructor had never anticipated this kind of situation, but he tried to follow his advice anyway. 'All right, the opposite of what you mean...' He had to struggle to get the words out, especially since his side was really hurting. "You're a kind person, Dorothy. You're even kinder than I am. I don't think that you're a psychotic bitch at all. In fact, I completely forgive you and I don't think that you should go to Hell. And I definitely don't want to get into my Gundam and blow you to little pieces." He smiled sweetly at her and then passed out. 'Wow,' Dorothy thought. 'This guy is like a saint. He almost makes me feel bad for stabbing his guts out.' She considered this carefully, then shook her head. 'Nah.'
*****
Foreign Minister Relena Peacecraft boarded her plane, about to depart for another conference. She was so glad the war was finally over. Maybe now she could find happiness with a certain spandex-clad pilot with homicidal/suicidal tendencies. She never knew when he would show up next. As she made her way toward her seat, she brushed shoulders with a janitor of slight build who was now getting off the plane. When she came to her seat, she found a teddy bear seated there with a note next to it. She open the note carefully. Inside it said:
"Relena,
I don't love you and I never will. In fact, I hope you die a very painful death. To ensure this, I've implanted a small explosive device within the teddy bear on your seat. You'd better make out your will very quickly. -Heero Yuy
P.S.-- Look outside your window"
Relena did as the note instructed. There was Heero, standing a safe distance away and wearing the janitor's uniform. The former Queen of the World smiled at him and tore up the note. "Heero, you joker, you. Next time, deliver it to me in person." Heero gave her the finger and walked away. "That silly boy. He really makes me laugh sometimes. Now what did that note say? I should've looked at it again before I tore it up. Oh well, I'll just enjoy this lovely teddy bear. Hello, teddy b-" *KABOOM!*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*Stretches and sighs* Well, that's it...finally done with the series. Thanks again to my sis Qtpi123 and to everyone out there who bothered to read and review my insane ramblings. Look for my next story to come out soon, it'll be a full-length humor feature. And now, it's time for me to crawl back into my padded room...
*Back to the Sanc Kingdom. Otto's lifeless corpse is being dragged away by several OZ soldiers. OZ soldier #1 leans in and says to OZ soldier #2:* "You wanna swing by Pizza Hut and grab a slice when we break for lunch?" "Sounds good to me. But I've gotta be back by one. They need me on the set to scream 'It's a Gundam!' and then die in a horrible explosion." "You too, huh? Man, we really should unionize."