Characters:
Captain Hook: A psychotic ships captain who's hand was apparantly bitten off by a crocodile. He needs help.
Mary: A girl who believes she has psychic powers.
Natalie: Mary's sarcastic twin. Argumentative.
Fish: A fish. with braces. (a/n: I had braces when this was performed.)
Split & Splat: Two aliens that live underwater.
Prodigy1 & 2: Memebers of the group The Prodigy (remember them?)
SD: stage directions
Scene 1: On the ship.
Captain Hook V.O, with SFX doing a shhhhhh crackling up sound: Fair Maidens and fellow pirates, welcome to the ship. I am the most highly respected and very well know Captain Hook, who will be taking you on this trip to France... (keeps blabbering on gibberish in background.)
Mary: Who the heck is he?
Natalie: I dunno. Maybe we should just get settled in on the ferry.
Mary: Good idea. Now where's mum?
C. Hook V.O with SFX as before: Well, I hope you have a nice trip people-wait a minute-no I don't!!! Har, har, har! If anyone wants to complain about anything, they can jolly well go walk the plank! Oh dear, I am going mad again. It's been happening all the time since that blasted crocodile bit my hand off... (He keeps on talking gibberish in background.)
Mary: God, this is going to be such a rubbish trip!
Natalie: Yeah, Trust mum to book a rubbish trip! I never wanted to come in the first place!
Mary: Well, I guess at least mum's not here! We can have some fun!
Natalie: Yeah, whatever.
Mary: Nats, I'm starting to have one of my premonitions…
Natalie: What?!?!
Mary: You know, a premonition! Where I can predict the future! Duh!
Natalie: Mmm. Really. It's just a coincidence that they come true! They're not real at all! Yeah, like you can predict the future! I soooooooo believe it!
Mary: Shut up Nats! You're disturbing the flow! Yes, I can feel it coming… (Mary suddenly has low and growly voice) On the 14th July two girls will be on a ship to France and the two strange people with awful fashion sense will come on the trip and start a fire. Then ship will sink along with all the passengers, but not the two girls in question They will go on an underwater adventure, and on to a game show with………SPLIT AND SPLAT?!?!?! WHO ARE THEY?!?!……
Natalie: Oh how fun.
Mary: Nats! We're gonna die!!!!
Natalie: Well, if it's any consolation, you said we would survive. It's just everyone else.
S.D. Mary looks better, and then starts to wail and carry on like a baby.
Natalie: Mary! What is wrong with you?!? SHUT UP!!!
Mary: But what about all the other people?!?!?
Natalie: Yep, sure, they're gonna die, but well, it happens to all of us at one time or another. For them, just sooner than normal. Think of it this way: we'll be OK, and they're gonna die with all the others, so they're not on they're own, are they?
Mary: That's OK then.
C. Hook V.O with SFX as before: Well, maidens and pirates, I've just had news that we're all going to die! Har har har! I don't know how but hey! Har har har!
Prodigy1: We're the fire starters! The twisted fire starters!
Mary: That's true, they'll start a fire!
Everyone else: WHAT?!?!?!
Prodigy2: Like we said, we're the fire starters! Twisted fire starters!
Mary: Like I said, they'll start a fire!
Everyone: But there isn't a fire!!!
Mary: Oh.
Prodigy1: But that's why we're here! To start one!
Mary: Fine.
Prodigy2: We're the fire starters! The twisted fire starters!
N & M: I guess we don't doubt it then.
S.D. Prodigy jump over board after starting the fire!
C. Hook V.O. with SFX: Well, yes, we are going to die! I hope you enjoyed you're trip with Idiot Ferries! NO I DON'T!!! Har har har!!!
SFX: blub blub blub, splashing of water, screams, etc.
N & M: How are we gonna live? I guess we could jump over! (jump over board)
SFX: Splash, screams, etc.
Scene 2: Under Water
Mary: Nats! Where are we…?
Natalie: I don't know……… I think we're underwater!
Mary: But we can't be! We can breathe and talk!
Fish: You can breathe cos you're in the town, you idiots!
Mary: Wha?
Fish: This is an underwater town called, well, uh there isn't actually a name, but we just call it…… well, whatever we like. So just call it water?
Natalie: Water? What a rubbish name!
Mary: I guess it's true though.
Fish: Well, at least someone agrees with me.
Natalie: Well, sooooooooory!
Mary: Take no notice of her Fish, she's just a person who's very sceptical.
Fish: Don't worry, I won't.
Natalie: Suits me just fine.
SD: Natalie sticks tongue out at Fish and Fish sticks tongue out at her)
Mary: Hey! Woah! Stop there!
Fish: Well, how did you get down here?
Natalie: We got a wish granted by fairies and they sprinkled magic powder on us and then we were suddenly here!
Fish: Oh, very funny, I am just dying with laughter here. No, really!
Mary: Well, these blokes with dodgey hairstyles came on and started a fire and so we jumped overboard and her we are. I wanna go home!!!
Fish: If you really want to go home then go on the show!
Mary: What????
Fish: The show! The 'WHATEVER YOU WANT' show. You answer questions and you get whatever you want.
Natalie: This is one time I'm listening to you!
Fish: Just go down there, and into the studio. You'll find the wacky presenters in there! If you're wondering, they're called Split and Splat!
Natalie: Weird names…
Fish: They're twin aliens! DUH!
Mary: There's only one thing I have to say.
Fish: What?
Mary: I never knew fish had braces!
Scene 3: in the studio!
Split: Hello and welcome to WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!
Splat: Well, I'd like it to be… National all you can eat chocolate day!!!
Split: No, that's the name of the show, dimbo!!! You can be soooooo stupid sometimes!!!!! This title means if you win the show you get whatever you want!!!!
Splat: Fine. I'll just introduce the show! I'm Split, and he's Splat! No……… not quite. Let's try it again. I'm Splat and he's Split!!!
Split: Well done! So, who's on today's show??
Splat: Well, today we have creatures from above the water! It's Natalie and Mary!!!
SFX: claps, cheers, some boo's, etc.
Split: Shut up!! They're new and have never been on fish TV before. Be gentle with them.
Splat: Too right! And, well, our other contestant was last seen jumping off the train bridge into the train and chasing some bandit across the country. I feel quite sorry for him, really. Sad, strange little croc………
Mary: OK, they're kind of scary………
Natalie: I know.
Mary: Cool! No, I mean not cool…
Split: So, the girls only have to do a short quiz and they will win.
Mary: Cool! We're on fishy TV!
Splat: And, so fellow idiots, here are your questions:
SFX: the music like on 'Who want's to be a millionaire?'
Splat: Who was the first fish to conquer the land of Atlantis?
Natalie: CAPTAIN BIRD'S EYE!!!!
Splat: Sorry, that's incorrect, but you do get this lovely watch, and this years supply of Turtle Wax! Next!
Split: Who currently presents the show you're on now?
Mary: You! DUH!
Splat: No, it's the seaweed! It's looking very pretty today!!!
Split: Shut up! Course it's us!
SD: C. Hook comes on covered with a cloth, with face showing to look like alien.
The thing: I'm afraid that's not true anymore! We are taking over this town! So get out!
Splat: What?
The thing: We have taken over!
Split: Oh, that's just great!
Mary: We're gonna die!!!
Splat: No, they're just taking over! That's nothing bad.
Split: DUH! Course it is!!!!!
The Thing: Yes, that's right! 'Tis a terrible thing!
Natalie: I think not! According to the plans that were on the ship, you, Captain Hook, are only trying to get us out so you can win the prize!!
SD: C. Hook takes off sheet.
C. Hook: How d'ya know it was me?
Natalie: I just know!
C. Hook: I hate you!
Natalie: Same here.
Splat: Right! Look, Hook, get out!!!! This is our show! And, you, Natalie, for saving the show, get to go home!
Mary: What about me?
Splat: You too!
Split: That's the first good thing you've said today!
Splat: I know. Gosh, don't you think the sun looks so pretty today?
Split: OK, that wasn't so sensible. We can't even see the sun! This is electric lighting!
Splat: Oh.
M & N: YAY!!! WE'RE GOING HOME!!!!!
Split: So you are.
Splat: BYE!!! Come visit us some time!!!!!!
Splat: SPLIT!!!!! Like they CAN!!!
Mary: Hey, we're home!
Natalie: Cool!
SFX: voice of stage says: 'Girls! I'm taking you to the ship now! The captain's name is……………a certain Captain Hook…………… Sounds quite familiar!
Mary: We've gone back in time!!!!!
SFX: the X Files music!
Everyone: And we though Split and Splat were scary!!!!
yes. It was pants. I know.