Reviresco.
By Arian.
Part 3
Laguna sat on his desk with his feet on his chair and rested his head in
his hands. It had been a long, trying day.
/There was a time I would've welcomed this./ He reminded himself. /I
would've been grateful for this once./
He wished Squall and Elle would understand, but he knew that the only way
that would happen was if they experienced this themselves. Better that they
never know.
Laguna sighed heavily and smiled. This was all completely beyond him.
Every time he started to try and make some sense of it, he ended up
twisting his mind into knots which he'd then have to spend an hour
unravelling.
Still feeling troubled about shouting at Ellone earlier, he decided to go
and look for her, to try and set things right again. He slid down off the
desk as the door opened behind him and the voice that rang out made him
freeze where he was.
"Don't turn round!" Raine cried quickly, as soon as Squall ushered her
through the doorway.
Laguna's fingers sought the edge of the desk and his knuckles went white
in an effort to stop his hands from trembling.
Squall glared at his mother for a moment, before moving to stand in front
of Laguna. Chagrin showed on his face when Raine did not move with him.
"You can drag me from room to room, Squall, but I do have /some/ freedom of
movement." She told him.
"You /really/ hate us, don't you?" Laguna asked suddenly, and Squall looked
up in shock.
"Hate you? No!"
"Then why do this?"
"He doesn't want me to leave, Laguna." Raine answered, sadly.
"I'm trying to put things right!" Squall cried out earnestly. "Speak to
her, dammit!"
"Don't turn around." Raine warned again. "Well, you can... if you want. I
don't mind... it'd be nice if... oh, I don't know, whatever." She rambled,
unsure how to even begin to tell him what she thought, or even if she
should.
"I'm sorry, I just can't. I wish..." his voice trailed off. "Were you
happy?" he asked suddenly and Raine smiled.
"Happy? Not really. There is no happy where I was. But I wasn't unhappy,
either."
Laguna nodded, satisfied with the answer. Squall just stood and stared at
the two of them. This wasn't what he had expected. He had expected tears
and smiles and then Raine would stay. He didn't understand their silence.
Laguna bowed his head, unwilling to look into his son's eyes, so Squall
walked back to Raine.
"Why?" He asked quietly. "You must have things to say to each other. I
don't believe that you haven't. Why don't you say them?"
"Are you hoping that if we talk enough, I'll stay?" Raine asked bluntly.
"That won't happen."
"I just wish you'd talk! Properly! Maybe this won't make you stay, but...
I don't know..." Squall shook his head angrily.
Raine took pity on him. "We don't talk, because it hurts. Every word
hurts. Every sentence feels like its lame and superfluous, and maybe most
of them are. Everything we had to say to each other was said, long ago,
and if there's anything we missed out, well, it's unnecessary now." She
hesitated and reached out to Squall's face. This time he didn't flinch. His
eyes widened as she laid her hand across his cheek and she gave a faint
smile. He felt nothing. Not simply the lack of the feeling of skin on skin,
but the complete absence of anything. Even the usual pressure of the air,
which everyone is so accustomed to they do not feel its pressure, had
vanished.
"Let's go, Squall." She whispered. "You won't get what you want here."
He gave up and started to walk towards the door with Raine, reassuring
himself that he'd come up with another idea soon, when she suddenly darted
back towards the desk. Laguna still stood with his back turned and made
no movement as she began to speak.
"I love you and I believe in you." She said softly. "And even though it's
such a cliché I'm cringing, I'm going to say it anyway. A part of me is
always with you, and always has been. I'm stubborn, remember? I don't give
up anything that belongs to me easily. I'd better stop now, before the
platitudes I'll start pouring out disgust me." She sighed. "Take care of
yourself, Laguna." She gave the figure one last look before she turned and
walked out, and just before Squall pulled the door closed, he heard a reply.
"'Bye, Raine."
Turning to his mother, he saw a luminous pain in her eyes.
"You said it hurt to speak to him. So why did you?" he questioned.
"Because there are some things that should never go unsaid. Because
perhaps he needed to hear that." She grinned at him. "I might be stubborn,
but that doesn't mean I can't change my mind sometimes."
Squall thought about that and they walked in silence for a while.
"You make a big thing out of being stubborn." He commented and she frowned.
"Yes, I suppose I do. Perhaps it's because it is one of the few parts of
me I'm really sure of. Everything else in my personality seems to drift
and change, but that is one of the things that stays with me."
"What else stays with you?"
"You should know!" She laughed. "Can't you guess?"
A slight crease formed in Squall's forehead, his face deadly serious. /He/
didn't think it was funny.
"Love for Elle and Laguna." He hazarded.
"And you!" She chided gently. "Why is it you find it so hard to believe
that I love you, too?"
"It's not that..." He shrugged. "You know them so much better, so
obviously you love them much more."
"Oh, /obviously/." She retorted, rolling her eyes.
"Please don't do that, you sound like Rinoa."
"Squall, I don't like talking about loving somebody /more/ than somebody
else. That's not the way my mind works. If I love somebody, then that's it.
There is no graduation for me. It's a simple yes or no situation. I love
you all in different ways, but there is no "more than" or "less than". Do
you understand?"
"A little." He grudgingly admitted. He paused, and when he spoke again,
there was a trace of fear in his voice. "Do you hate me now?"
"What? For dragging me up to see him? No. How could I hate you? You
/thought/ you were right."
"I'm not giving up." He warned. "I can't let you leave. Even after what
you've told me. It's not enough. I want you to stay here with me."
She nodded solemnly. "I know that. But I will go in the end. You do
whatever you have to, but you will learn to see things differently before
this is done."
They walked back into the small room on the lower level and found Rinoa
sat waiting for them.
/Uh oh. She's in a /really/ bad mood. I haven't seen that look on her face
since I told her she was an amateur, back in Timber./
Squall just had time to deposit the white flower on the table before Rinoa
stood and pulled him back through the door.
"We need to talk." She said flatly, pulling him into another room at the
end of the corridor.
"What is it?" he asked, playing dumb. She glared at him and he dropped
that idea.
"You took her up to Laguna, didn't you?" she accused.
"And?"
"/And/? What do you mean /And/?" She smacked her forehead with an open
palm. "Are either of them ever going to speak to you again, or have you
managed to make them disown you yet?"
"What are you talking about? Raine's still speaking to me."
"What about Laguna?" she countered.
"I don't know. But he never argues with anyone for long." Squall answered
confidently.
"Well he might decide to start making up for lost time!"
"Why would he?"
"Ohhh... I'm going to thump you /so/ hard in a minute! I'm beginning to
wonder if you actually /have/ a heart in there, or if it's just a solid lump
of stone."
"Whatever... Rinoa, it didn't work anyway. They didn't seem to want to
talk. They just stood there. He wouldn't even turn and look at her!" Squall
sighed. "I don't understand it. If... if it was us in that situation... If
you were dead... I'd want to see you. I really would. And I couldn't let
you go. How can they...?"
"They are different to us." She said, still smiling at what he had said.
"You wouldn't let me go..." she mused to herself. "I wouldn't go anywhere.
I'd stay whether you liked it or not. How can I explain it to you, Squall?
They're both too afraid of hurting each other." Rinoa paused and gave a
short laugh. The sound echoed through Squall's head like silver bells and
he found he had missed that sound. They had been arguing for so long, he
hadn't heard her laughter for days.
"We're not like that." She continued. "We're selfish, possessive. We'd
rather be in pain than be without each other, I guess. Loss is the greatest
hurt for us. But the thing that hurts them the most is the pain of the
other. Neither of them can stand the other to be in pain. And you forced
that on them." She drew in a breath. "OK, I'm done."
Squall nodded and mulled over what she had said. "That's the
psycho-analysis from Rinoa over then?"
"Just think about it, will you? Try to understand what you've done. Maybe
you didn't do any harm and you've gotten away with it, but at least try to
understand it. C'mon. Edea spoke to Dr. Odine and they've figured out
something that might work."
"I can't let Raine go. Not without a fight, it's just not in me." Squall
said gently, not wanting to argue with Rinoa again. "I can't listen to your
ideas, because I don't want them to work."
"You have to. You've hurt Raine enough already. She might need you and you
have to be around in case she does."
He acquiesced and they walked silently back.
***************
"I've talked with Dr. Odine and we've finally agreed on something that
should work." Edea stood and the others around the table waited anxiously
for her solution.
"The flower is entirely made up of sorcery, no part of it already existed
when it was made. Therefore, the answer is to use something to banish the
sorcery from the rose, rather than trying to destroy the thing itself.
"At first we thought of one of Odine's products, to seal the power the
rose contains, but then we found something a little better. The Sorceress
Memorial is still fully functional and Odine has given permission for us to
use it to seal the flower." Edea paused. "We don't know for sure if it'll
work. If it doesn't then I have nothing else left I can suggest. We really
will have tried everything."
/The Sorceress Memorial? That sealed Adel up for years. I haven't got a
chance of it failing with a simple flower! It's not fair!/
Rinoa nudged Squall. "Vanished into his own little world again." She
commented to Raine, who watched her son for a moment.
"No. I don't think that's it. He has his own little conversation going on.
His own inner monologue, don't you Squall?" Raine laughed, recognizing the
signs of it. "So you get that from me, too."
Squall broke out of his thoughts, disgruntled to find them talking about
him. /She talks to herself like I do? I never knew that. I wonder if she
realises that Laguna does it too. Or at least, he did, when Elle sent me
back. There are too many things I don't know about her./
"So /that's/ what's behind those silences of yours!" Rinoa exclaimed. "It
makes much more sense now!"
Squall shrugged. He thought she'd already known about it. "Let's go." He
said shortly.
***************
He followed the others up the stairs, trailing at the back of the group for
once. Looking up, he saw a crescent moon, Esthar's symbol, over the door
and he remembered the last time he had entered the Sorceress Memorial.
He had come here to rescue Rinoa, having been persuaded that it was the
right thing to do. Until then, he had believed that it was Rinoa's choice
and he should respect her decision, but Quistis had made him see that after
all they had been through together, Rinoa's powers didn't matter. The two
of them belonged together, even if they did argue from time to time.
How was Raine's decision any different to Rinoa's? What was to stop him
from preventing this from happening, just like last time?
Grit determination filled his face and he caught up with the others as
they entered the main chamber of the Memorial.
Squall watched as a technician listened carefully to Edea, then took the
white flower from her hands and walked around the corner to place it in the
peculiar glass globe.
He looked around at the others but Rinoa, Edea and Ellone were watching
the technician. Raine, however, was watching him with a curious expression
on her face. Almost as if she were waiting.
"I can't just stand here." He whispered, half to his mother, half to
himself. "I have to stop this. I'm sorry."
It seemed to him then that he caught a glint of understanding in her eyes
but she shook her head.
"Let me go, Squall. You don't have to do this." She replied, just loud
enough for him to hear.
"I do." He said simply. Walking forwards until he stood in front of the
control panel, Squall drew his gunblade. The technicians backed away
slightly as the artificial light bounced off the blade.
"This isn't going to happen. I won't let this happen. Not now. Not like
this." Squall looked pointedly at the technicians. "Don't touch anything,
don't push any buttons. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I will, if I
have to."
The group didn't move. They didn't get paid enough to stand up to
knife-wielding maniacs. The most senior of them sighed. He had been here
the last time the kid had shown up and he wished the boy would make up his
mind what side he was on and save them all this hassle.
"Squall! I thought you were going to think about what we talked about?"
Rinoa stepped forwards.
"Sorry." He shrugged, realising he'd just landed himself in the middle of
another argument.
"I can stop you." She said, trying to look her most threatening but only
making Squall suppress the urge to snigger.
"I can use sorcery to stop you." She continued desperately, flexing her
fingers. "Come away from there or I'll /make/ you. I will! I really mean
it!"
"Then use your sorcery, if that's what you want to do. Can you raise your
hand against me?" He was /almost/ sure he knew the answer to that, and he
hoped he wasn't wrong. He had been on the wrong end of sorcery before and
didn't care to repeat the episode.
The young sorceress lifted her hand, fingers stretched outwards, and
light beginning to collect at her palm.
"I can't!" she wailed suddenly, scattering the light. "Not against... Ohhh!
I hate you! I hate you for making me do this!"
Squall was taken aback. "You hate me?" His eyes widened in horror.
"No!" Rinoa relented immediately "I don't /hate/ you. Well, not much. I
just... Oh, you annoy me, that's all. You disappoint me. Please step away
and let the technicians do their job. Won't you do this for me? Please?"
She implored, trying a different tack.
"No." Squall shook his head. "Why aren't you on my side? Why have you
been against me all along? You know I hate arguing with you."
"Because you're wrong. You /must/ know that by now. Everyone has told you
that and given you reasons and still you persist. Why are you so stubborn?"
"Ask her." Squall shot a glance at Raine, who had walked down to stand
with Rinoa. "I know you better than you think, Rinoa. The real reason you
want Raine to go is because she's a reminder of your mistake. Every time
you see her you remember that its /your/ fault she's here and you don't like
that."
"Oh, you swine!" Rinoa yelled. "You absolute, cold-hearted - " She
stopped suddenly and laughed, a smile crossing her face. Walking forwards,
she started to speak in a sing-song voice. "You've missed something, Squall.
I might not be able to use sorcery against you, but you certainly won't use
that on me." She gestured to the gunblade.
Squall shook his head. "No, maybe I can't. But I can use it on them." He
lifted the blade to point it at the technicians.
"You wouldn't. I /know/ you wouldn't."
"Perhaps, but do you want to risk it?"
Rinoa stopped where she was and stamped her foot in exasperation. Turning,
she looked to Edea and Ellone, who had been silently watching the
squabbling, to ask if there was anything they could do. Before she could
speak, the door opened and Laguna stepped through, flanked, as always, by
Kiros and Ward.
"Why does Laguna have this uncanny ability to lead us straight into the
middle of dangerous situations?" Kiros muttered to Ward, seeing Squall with
the gunblade outstretched.
"..."
"Well, yeah, I /know/ we were in the army, but most of the time our little
skirmishes were unauthorized, probably because we were in the wrong
place..." Kiros replied to Ward's unspoken comment.
"Dangerous?" Laguna replied, overhearing the first comment. "Nah. It's
just Squall."
"Well /that/ has to be up there in the top 10 most moronic things you've
ever said." Kiros breathed quietly, knowing that Laguna had spotted Raine
and therefore wasn't interested in banter anymore.
"Well?" Raine asked, placing her hands on her hips as he simply stared at
her.
"You look the same. You look exactly as I remember. Funny, but I didn't
think you would, for some reason."
"You have a bad memory. I'm quite sure I wasn't transparent before." She
smiled.
"Well, yeah, there is that." Laguna's grin deteriorated.
"Why did you change your mind? Why are you here?"
"I... don't know."
"Ah, no. You've tried evading questions before and we found out then that
you couldn't do it, so give up. I'm the same person and if I decide I
really want an answer, I'll get one." She laughed almost happily, despite
the pain inside.
"I was just kinda sat around and I was thinking. Just about stuff, you
know." He waited for the comment from Kiros about him actually being able
to think and miracles /can/ happen, or something to that effect. When there
was only silence, he continued on with what he had been saying. "And I
thought about how I couldn't possibly see you, because it hurt. But then
I thought, well, it hurts if I just sit here and do nothing, so what's the
difference? I might as well come and see you because that's what I'd rather
do. Besides, maybe being here wouldn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Did that make sense?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I think so. In the obscure but strangely logical way your explanations
usually make sense." Raine paused, tilting her head on one side. "Does it
hurt? As much as you thought?"
"Absolutely kills." He confided with a grin. "I miss you."
"No. Don't start on that. I can't... Just leave it. I know what you want
to say so let's leave it at that." She warned.
Laguna nodded, and looked around. Holding up his hand, signalling for
Raine to wait a moment, he crossed the floor to Ellone.
"Sorry about earlier, Elle. I didn't mean to yell at you."
Ellone smiled. "You're here now. All is forgiven. It already was, anyway."
Laguna turned back to Raine and shrugged. "Well, what do we do now? You
want to leave?"
Raine dipped her head slightly in reply, not quite able to form the words.
"She can't." Squall interrupted. "I won't let her."
"He's /still/ trying this?" Laguna asked, surprised. "What did we do wrong?
I thought he was supposed to be the smart one."
"We did everything wrong. But he is /quite/ smart. He just doesn't know
what to do." She stepped out of the way, motioning for Laguna to go and
talk to Squall.
Squall was distinctly unimpressed. He hated being talked about like he
wasn't there.
"What exactly do you plan to do now, Squall? There isn't really a lot
left you /can/ do. Oh, and put that away." Laguna pointed to the blade.
"Why?" Squall demanded, glaring at his father.
"Because technically, you being who you are and me being who I am, it's
Garden declaring war on Esthar. As good as Garden is, I don't think it
could quite stand up to Esthar's technology."
"Garden isn't involved. It's just me acting on my own. You /know/ that."
"Yeah, but I might choose to ignore it. As for you acting on your own,
egotistical just ain't the word if you think you can take out an army,
single-handedly." Laguna laughed. "You might be good, Squall, but..."
"You wouldn't do that." Squall answered confidently. "Raine stays. It's
alright for you. You made your peace with her. We helped you do that." He
stopped that line of conversation as Laguna shot him a warning look. Neither
of them were dumb enough to mention that Laguna hadn't been with Raine when
she died, originally. It had been Squall's idea to send him back to be with
her.
"You and Sis both had your chances and gained the absolution you needed.
You're both happy now. Why can't I have a chance? I never even knew her! I
want her to stay. I /need/ her to stay."
Raine, slightly astonished at that last remark, stepped forwards.
"You don't need me. You've /never/ needed me. Not even when you were small.
You've always been so self-sufficient and not just because you've had to
be. It's a part of you that would always have been there. Perhaps I would
stay if you were younger, or if you did not have Rinoa with you. I would
certainly stay if Laguna or Ellone asked me to, but they won't. They needed
me but you never have. And you've done so very well on your own! Look at
all you've achieved without either of us! Let me go, Squall. Give me that
one small thing. You don't really need me to be here, and as for knowing
me, you do now. You've been talking to me and listening to my replies for a
while. If you don't know me now, you never will." Raine sighed heavily.
"Just let me go. It doesn't cost you anything really. Learn to see that."
Squall stood stunned at what she had said. He /did/ need her, didn't he?
He lowered the gunblade in confusion and Rinoa stepped forwards and wrapped
her arms round his waist.
"Stop being selfish. She's right. You've fought and now there's nothing
else you can do."
"You told me once that I should let go, because nothing I could do would
make it real. You should follow your own advice, Squall. This isn't real,
either. Forcing Raine to stay isn't going to make it any more real." Laguna
put in, pointedly avoiding any reference to just when and why Squall had
given him that advice.
Squall stood still for a moment, his brown hair flopping down into his
eyes. /Am I selfish?/ He thought. /Can I let her go, after all my efforts to
make her stay? Was she right, she told me I'd have to let her go, in the
end. They're right. I've always known that they were right. I just hoped.../
He sheathed the blade and turned away in defeat. "I had to try. I couldn't
just accept..."
"I would have thought less of you if you had." Raine said gently and he
turned back to stare at her, realising that he had known that already. He
knew her better than he thought. She smiled at him, catching his eye.
"Finally," Raine breathed in relief "I can go."
"It might not work." Edea cautioned. "Remember what I said."
"What's it like? Death?" Laguna asked and Squall groaned. /Everyone has
been carefully side-stepping that question. Trust Laguna to put his foot in
it./
To Squall's surprise, his mother didn't seem to mind.
"You know everyone says it's like going to sleep? Well it is, only more
than you imagine. When you go to sleep, you don't know that you've gone to
sleep until you wake up. You don't even know that you /are/ asleep. It's
like that. I only know because I'm here. If I was still... well, I would
still be blissfully unaware."
"That sounds... horrible." Laguna shuddered slightly.
"Yeah, but it isn't. Because you don't know, see?" Raine took a small
step forwards and lifted her arms up around his neck.
Squall watched Laguna's eyes widen, just as his had done when Raine had
touched his cheek. He remembered that strange absence of physical feeling
all too well. Laguna simply stood there, not wanting to move because he
might go right through her.
"OK, tell them." Raine whispered.
Squall turned to Rinoa and folded his arms around her, not wanting to
watch.
Laguna nodded to the technicians who had stood, completely bewildered, in
the corner of the room. Two of them walked hesitantly to the control panel
and started to tap the buttons. All eyes fixed on the flower where it
rested in the glass globe, mist beginning to consume it.
***************
A ten-year old girl ran through the flowers for the simple pleasure of
running. Her brown hair flew out behind her, the wind sweeping it out of
her face, as her legs carried her faster through the field, crushing the
flowers underfoot.
Finally out of breath, she stopped and flopped down into the blooms, the
stems lifting the flowers high over her head as she sank back. Her blue
eyes stared through the petals at the sky for a moment as her breathing
returned to normal.
She tilted her head to one side and, seeing a flower she had stepped on,
she frowned. Cupping it carefully between her hands, she inspected it,
finding it was bruised and damaged beyond repair. She smashed it quickly
into nothing, unable to see it in such a state. Nothing should linger like
that, she decided and then she laughed. Well, that wouldn't happen to her.
Not ever.
She stretched her arms up to the sun, reaching out to feel the warmth on
her bare arms, her childlike mind unable to conceive of a time when she
didn't exist, or a time when she wouldn't exist. Her time would last for
eternity, as far she was concerned. Death and illness were yet to touch her
young life and she smiled at the thought of them. What were they to her?
"Forever!" Raine laughed out loud, whimsically. "They'll not take me! I'm
forever!"
THE END.
Author's note: Apologies for the end, but some people I know didn't want
Raine to leave at the end, and some people did, so I've left it very much
open to your own interpretation. I'd be interested to hear what you think
happened, and if you e-mail me, I'll tell you what I think happened. Here's
what has become the now obligatory poem:
Leaving The Rest Unsaid.
By Robert Graves.
Finis, apparent on an earlier page, with fallen obelisk for colophon,
Must this be here repeated?
Death has been ruefully announced
And to die once is death enough, be sure, for any life-time.
Must the book end, as you would end it,
With testamentary appendices and graveyard indices?
But no, I will not lay me down
To let your tearful music mar the decent mystery of my progress.
So now, my solemn ones, leaving the rest unsaid,
Rising in air as on a gander's wing
At a careless comma,