Once upon a time there lived a prince. The prince had big, pretty violet eyes with which he hypnotised unsuspecting grasshoppers, and light brown hair which was very long because it ate everyone who came near it with a pair of scissors. The prince's name was Susan.
Prince Susan, who lived in a castle that was painted black, didn't much like his name and one day decided that he would change it.
Hmm he thought, looking around his room which was decorated in black. What would a good name be?
Prince Ceiling-Tile, perhaps? he thought, staring up at the ceiling. Or perhaps Door. Or Curtain. No, I liked Door better…
Undecided, he sent for his advisor, Catamaran Loser.
"Susan, you sent for me?"
"Hello Catamaran! Yes, I did you see, I have a bit of a dilemma, you see I want to change my name but I just CAN NOT decide on a new one!"
"Ahh, well you're in luck - I am excellent at naming things!" the little blond replied, stroking his one-eyed cat, Trowel. "Have you any ideas at all?"
"Well, I kind of like Ceiling-Tile…"
"Oh, THAT's nice! A bit long, though, isn't it…"
"Yes I suppose so…"
"What about…something beginning with D…"
"I know, oh I know I know, it's DOLL, isn't it, isn't it…"
"Shut up. Sorry, oh sorry, I do apologise… I was thinking of Davina, perhaps, or Demi-Semi-Quaver… David?"
"David? That's a bit of a stupid name isn't it? I tell you what I thought of earlier, though - Door. What say you, Catamaran?"
"Oh, Door, now THAT is BEAUTIFUL! Very, beautiful…very YOU, if I may say so…"
"Hmm… OK, Door it is, Prince Door…" He tried it out a few times. "Door! I am Prince Door! Prince Door…of Doom…"
"Beautiful!" Catamaran exclaimed while Trowel the one-eyed cat sniggered.
"Did your cat just snigger?" Susan-soon-to-be-Door asked suspiciously.
"Don't be silly, cats don't snigger!" said Trowel derisively.
"Of course they don't," said Susan-soon-to-be-Door, shaking his head. "Silly me… Now, Catamaran my loyal friend, where does one go in this land to get my name changed?"
"Well it's your LAND," Catamaran replied sullenly. "Oh, goodness me, so sorry Susan-sir… Er, Door… The local name-changers would be a good place to start, ne?"
"Great! I'll go right now!"
"Uh, Susan, Door-sir, can I come with you?"
"Of course you can! Let's go!"
*
Catamaran knocked on the heavy wooden door of the name-changer's. It had taken them quite some time to find. In fact, it was six days later and they had just realised it was next door to the black-castle. Susan-soon-to-be-Door was bouncing up and down excitedly, ecstatic that he would finally be able to rid himself of the curse of having a stupid name.
The door opened and a tall man with long blond hair and a mask came out.
"I'm gay!"
Of the house.
"Damn you!! Greetings, strangers! I am Sex Marketplace, the magical name-changer of the un-named-lands! Actually, I'll let you in on a secret, there's no magic involved, but doesn't it sound impressive..?"
"Sex Marketplace?" Catamaran asked nervously, staring up at the aforementioned magical name-changer who had to be at least twice his height.
Trowel sniggered.
"Did you just snigger?" Sex asked him.
"Don't be ridiculous, I'm a cat," Trowel said lazily, blinking his eye slowly at Sex.
"Oh. Of course," Sex agreed and turned back to Catamaran.
"I'm, I'm Catamaran Red-Barbecue Loser," Catamaran sad, smiling weakly. "And this is Prince Susan of the un-named-lands…"
"Actually, Catamaran, I thought of a name for them now!" Susan-soon-to-be-Door said happily. "Maxwell-land! What do you think?"
"Beautiful!" Catamaran said sincerely.
"Prince Susan!" Sex said and inclined his head slightly. "It's an honour!"
Susan-soon-to-be-Door grinned up at him happily.
"I want to change my name!" he stated proudly.
"Well duh," said Trowel.
"Did you just talk?" Catamaran asked him furtively.
"No. Meow," Trowel replied mildly.
"Oh. A'right then."
"So, Prince Susan, come in, come in, what do you wish your name to be?"
"DOOR!" Susan-soon-to-be-Door said gleefully.
"Good choice!" Sex said approvingly.
"So? So, so?" Susan said impatiently. "How do you change it, is it really complicated and dangerous, is it is it? Oh - it doesn't…hurt - does it?" he added quietly.
"Oh, it doesn't hurt at all, don't worry," Sex reassured. "But it is an INCREDIBLY complex ritual involving…"
"I'm bored get on with it."
"'Kay."
Sex handed Susan-soon-to-be-Door a quill and a piece of paper.
"Write your current name on one side and the name you wish to take on the other," he instructed as if he'd done this many times before. Which he had. Seven million four thousand and ninety three, actually, but of course he didn't know that.
"What the hell is this?" Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment said rudely. "A feather? What the hell… Look, dude, don't you have a biro?"
"Yep, hang on a sec… You know, only three people have agreed to write with that since I started this job five million years ago…"
"Sex you're twenty-one."
"Ah, but just because I look that old…"
"You ARE that old!"
"Dammit. OK, yes I admit…how did you know…"
"The lettuce told me!" Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment-now said inanely, grinning lop-sidedly.
"Don't worry," Catamaran whispered to a concerned Sex. "He gets like this every so often… Just hang on, he'll be alright…"
"Yeah, well it's a feather how do you expect people to write with it!??" Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment said, snapping out of it.
Sex handed him a biro.
"For me? How did YOU know it was my birthday?"
"It's your birthday?"
"No."
"Oh. Fair enough."
"Don't you know when my birthday is Catamaran? I thought you were my friend!"
"Do you know when MINE is?"
"No, but that's…"
"Write dammit I have things to do today!" Sex growled.
"K, K man, I'm writing!"
S-U-S-A-N, Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment wrote slowly and deliberately. He turned over the paper, then paused.
"Er..uh…how do you spell Door?"
Sex, puzzled, frowned. Catamaran shook his head.
"I dunno!" he shrugged.
"D-U-O," Trowel said carefully.
"You talked!" Catamaran exclaimed joyfully.
"You're quick."
You did it again!"
"Well duh."
"You did, didn't you!!"
No I didn't."
"Oh alright. Sorry."
Catamaran smiled foolishly while Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment-really frowned at the paper.
"D-what?"
"You're dumb," Trowel commented.
"Thanks!"
"It was an insult…"
"Your cat talks!!" and unfamiliar voice said delightedly. Everyone turned around to see a man holding a bunch of red roses.
"This is Trey Cushy, my, ah, friend," Sex said.
Trowel sniggered.
"Ha ha gay boy," Catamaran said. "Oh, sorry…"
"Uh, Cat-man, you're gay also," Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment-really reminded him.
"Oh yeah. Heh."
"I got you some ro-ses, Sex," Trey murmured and shoved the flowers at Sex.
"Trey, Trey," Sex said dozily, swaying slightly. "That's…so nice…but you know…I'm…allergic to…them…" he collapsed to the floor with a thud.
"Ungrateful…" Trey grumbled.
"How do you spell Door damnit!" Susan-to-be-Door-any-moment-really whined. "I've got D, then U…"
"O!!" Trowel said, annoyed.
"D-U-O! DOOR!" Susan shouted in triumph. "What now?"
Catamaran shoved Sex with his foot. "Er…we wait for gay boy, I mean, Sexy, I mean, Sex to wake up…"
"No, it's alright, I'll do it to you," Trey said. Catamaran stared at him.
"What!?"
"I'll do the name. The change. I can do it just as well as he can…"
"I'm sure…"
"Shut up Catamaran! We're here to change my name, K?"
Trey took the paper from…the prince…and read it.
"All that's left is for me to say that your name has officially been changed! You're now officially called Duo!"
"DUO?!" the newly named Prince Duo screamed. "NO! I'm called DOOR!"
"Er, well, it says Duo here…"
"Nasty cat!" Duo hissed at the nasty cat.
"Ha ha," the cat answered lazily.
"Well, Duo's a fairly cool name, I think…" Catamaran put in.
"Oh, I agree! So…so modern, so ahead-of-your-time, princey-darrling," Trey drawled.
"SHUT UP!" Duo shrieked, starting to cry. "I hate it! It's HORRIBLE it's VILE…"
"Well we can change it again," Trey suggested helpfully.
"NO!!" Duo raged. "I LOVE my name, I'm not ashamed of it… I'LL NEVER CHANGE IT, BWA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA er, no, that's not necessary I actually think it's quite a good name. I'm glad I thought of it! Come, Catamaran, we are leaving."
"Uh, Susan, I mean Duo-sir, um…could I…change my name also?"
"Oh WONDERFUL!" Trey crooned. "What name do YOU want, little angel?"
Sex lifted his head in annoyance.
"Hey, I'M your angel, 'member?"
He swiftly returned to unconsciousness.
"Yuh, yuh whatever. So, what's your new name to be darling?"
"Quatre," Catamaran said shyly.
Trowel didn't snigger.
"Did your cat just not-snigger?" Duo asked Catamaran-hopefully-soon-to-be-Quatre-so-we-can-all-goddamned-go-home.
"Are you really surprised?" the cat said drily. "Cats generally don't."
"Cats generally aren't in love with their owners either!" Duo hissed.
"How did you know?" Trowel said, his green eye widening.
"The lettuce told me!" Duo grinned and started staring vacantly at the ceiling, mumbling about ice-cream.
Trey gave another piece of paper and a feather
"I want a goddamned pen goddamit,"
to…the prince's loyal friend and advisor.
And so Catamaran became Quatre and we could all goddamned go home.
*
Two weeks later, they finally found the black-castle again. The cross-dressing servant, Wufei, opened the black door and greeted them with relief.
"Master Susan, hank Nataku you're alive!" he said fervently.
"Hey there Wu-Wu!" Duo said cheerily. "NICE skirt, oh mmm, VERY nice. But, oh, we changed our names - he's called Quatre now," He pointed at Quatre. "And I was going to change my name to Door but I couldn't spell it and Quatre's evil one-eyed cat with one-eye called Trowel who doesn't speak said that you spelled it D-U-O but that actually spells Duo so now I'm called THAT, Duo that is, but it's alright 'cause I actually quite like it!!!"
"Um. Yes, I like that too," Wufei commented as he followed Duo and Quatre. "But, Duo-sir, I wanted to…ask your advice on…a matter…if that's alright…"
Duo stopped.
"'Course it is! What's the problemo Wu-man?"
"Well, I've got a date tonight, and…"
Wufei lifted up his little black skirt to reveal some very tight spandex shorts. Quatre gaped, Duo grinned broadly and Wufei assured them both that the shorts were in fact not his. He put his hands down the shorts and pulled out two dresses on coat hangars.
"Pink?" he asked "Or navy? Or…" He retrieved one more dress from the shorts-that-weren't-his. "…black?"
"Pink, definitely, beautiful," Quatre said.
"Navy," Trowel disagreed.
"Black, if you ask ME," Duo said.
"Ohh! I just can't decide! I suppose you can't really go wrong with black, ne?"
"Oh, oh I absolutely agree! Who's you date?" Duo asked interestedly.
"Oh, you don't know him," Wufei said, blushing. "He's…older than me." He blushed even harder.
"We might! What's his name?"
"It's Trey… he…he likes roses…"
Duo smirked and Quatre gaped.
Trowel sniggered.
"Did you just snigger?" Wufei asked him.
"Oh godammit no! I do NOT snigger alright, I'm a goddamned cat!"
"Oh, alright, sorry. Why are you smirking at me Susan - Duo?"
"Ha ha! Because…oh never mind!"
"Injustice!" Wufei muttered as Duo wandered off, pulling Quatre and Trowel along with him. "Oh, the injustice of it all!" He scowled. "Weak," he added as an afterthought.
*
The next day, Duo woke up and decided he'd tell his parents that he'd changed his name. He got out of bed and pulled on some clothes (a very stylish priest's outfit with black boots), tied his hair in a braid and was on his way to his parents' room when he remembered he didn't know where his parents' room was. In fact, he didn't know who his parents were…
So he went up to Quatre's room.
"Quatre!! Quatre, wake up!"
"What the fuck…what…" Quatre grumbled, pulling his covers up over his head.
"Quatre, Quatre who are my parents?"
Quatre uncovered his head and stared at him.
"Moron," Trowel muttered in his sleep.
"What?"
"Who are my parents?"
"You really are stupid."
"Thankyou."
"No problem, any time. Your mum is the king and your dad is the…"
"Queen?"
"Head chef," Quatre informed him.
"My mum…is the king, hang on…" Duo shook his head. "Aw hell, who cares. Come on Quatre!"
"Fuck off I'm stayin' here."
"GET UP DAMN YOU!"
"Or what?"
"Or…I'll set my hair on you…"
Duo's hair snapped it's teeth threateningly.
"Agh! OK, OK, hang on a second, hang on I'm up I'm up!"
And so Quatre and Duo set off to give Duo's parents the news.
*
Ten minutes later they walked into the throne room. Duo's mum, the king, had purple hair all pulled over to one side and was sitting on her throne watching TV.
"Oooh, DragonballZ, I love that show!" Quatre exclaimed.
"Dahh, it sucks!" Duo retorted.
"Who the hell are you?" the king asked, outraged. Her gaze fell on Duo.
"My DAUGHTER!" she squealed. "Oh I've had search parties all over the castle looking for you ever since you were born!! I put you down and AH, I just couldn't find you again…"
"That was sixteen years ago!! Er and King, um, mum I'm a boy."
"Yes dear, of course you are. Now, why are you here and make it fast, DragonballZ finishes in a minute and there's a much better show on… What's it called… Oh I always forget… Anyway, what do you want?"
The door to the throne room swung suddenly open and four men came in.
"I'm sorry, you majesty the king ma'am," one of them said. "We couldn't find her!"
"Well that's just not good enough!" the king raged. "Go! Search more and don't return until she is found!"
"Yes ma'am!" The search party left to look for Duo.
"I came to tell you that I changed my name!" Duo happily told the king. "I'm called Duo now, not Susan!!"
The king looked horrified.
"WHAT! But you HAVE to be called Susan! Everyone born into our most royal family must be called Susan! Don't you know the legend? I can't believe you don't know the legend! Everyone knows the legend, the CURSE… It's so AWFUL, so TERRIBLE HOW could you NOT KNOW?"
"So? What's the curse?" Duo was getting bored of this.
"If any member of the royal family does not have that name, they are doomed to…"
"Die?" Quatre suggested, his eyes still glued to the TV screen. But not literally, 'cause that'd just be horrible. And painful… "Hey! A new show!" he went on. "I've never seen THIS one before… Wow, look at that machine, I bet I could pilot that thing… That one's cool too, it has, like, a scythe… Not as cool as the one with the two thingies… Oh and here's some other guy with weird hair…well, they all have weird hair really, 'cept that blond one… And here's the tall one again…mmm, HE's cute…beautiful…"
"Shut up Quatre! Was he right king, er, mum? Doomed to die?"
"Doomed to…doomed to die… Hmm, it could be, you know I don't really remember… Good idea though… I tell you what, as you're not called Susan any more you can be executed! How's that sound, my dear daughter? EXECUTIONER!!!" she called.
"Er…great…come on Quatre we're going…now…"
"Ohh…oh, but I'm really getting into this show…"
"Come ON Quatre, or I'm going to DIE!"
"What a pity," Trowel said, sniggering.
"Shut up cat, you can't talk."
"Meow. Oh look at that, you're right."
"Oh, but Duo… This show is so cool…"
Duo looked at the screen. Quatre was right, it did look interesting…
He sat down by Quatre and was soon hooked too.
*
Five minutes later, the king's executioner entered the throne room.
"Look at that baka, he let himself get caught!" Quatre said, pointing at the screen.
"That was not his fault!" Duo argued. "It was his stupid machine that wouldn't blow up…but look, it doesn't matter now 'cause that hot guy's come to save him… No, kill him… No, save him…"
"Uh, Duo…" Quatre said, shaking his arm and pointing behind him.
"Shut it Quatre, I'm trying to watch TV damnit!"
"But Duo…"
Duo glared.
"Duo the executioner's here damnit! Do you WANT to die?"
Duo's big eyes widened as he turned around to see a freaky man with a mushroom on his head…oh no, that was his hair…fingering the blade of a scary axe and grinning evilly.
"Ack!"
Duo stood up as fast as he could and backed away.
"Told you!" Quatre hissed. "Sorry," he added.
Duo swallowed as the man held up the axe and came towards him. He grasped Quatre's arm.
"Hey!"
"If I have to die, you're tagging along on my journey into darkness!"
"You mean hell…"
"I mean darkness damnit!"
"Hell would sound better… Sorry. But do I have to?"
"Yeah. Sorry Q-man, I ain't dyin' on my own… Professor, stop!"
"How did you know I was a professor?"
"The lettuce told me!" Duo said. The professor-executioner stared at him strangely. This gave Duo the opportunity to slip away, and, dragging Quatre along with him, he sprinted out of the throne room as fast as he could.
As they legged-it out of the main castle doors, Duo chanced a look behind and saw that the excecutioner was chasing after them.
"Oh FUCK!" he yelled - the excecutioner was gaining on them.
Quatre whimpered.
"What are we going to do?"
Trowel jumped into his arms and Duo smirked at him as he purred reassuringly. He stopped smirking and went back to panicking.
"Oh shit we're gonna die! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"
Suddenly, Duo, Quatre and Trowel found themselves in a tree. The executioner ran right past them and was never seen again.
"What happened?" Quatre said, slightly dazed. Duo looked around. He was startled to find himself face to face with a boy. The boy had dark blue eyes and dark messy hair. He was wearing a green vest, a pair of spandex shorts and a pink tu-tu.
"Omae o korosu" he said. Duo was rather taken aback.
"Oops," the boy said in a monotone. "I meant Hello Susan…"
"Duo."
"Hello Duo I am Heero your fairy god-saucer."
Duo blinked, not really hearing. This boy…this boy was perfect. He was beautiful, he was wonderful, he was perfect…
"What?"
"I'm your fairy god-saucer."
"Oh. Did you…did you save us?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"It was my mission."
"Oh."
"And I liked you."
Duo grinned.
"Hang on," he said. "You're my fairy god-saucer…?"
"Yep."
"You mean fairy god-…something that isn't saucer, don't you?"
"No. I am your fairy god-saucer. I will grant you three wishes…"
"Isn't that genies?"
"Do you ever shut up?"
"No, never."
"Let me fini.."
"No."
"Let me finish or you won't get your wishes…"
"OK."
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
"Quiet."
"Am being."
Heero, the fairy god-saucer, took a deep breath.
"I am Heero Yuy your fairy god-saucer…"
"Yeah yeah we heard get on with…"
Heero glared at them all. Duo countered the move with the grin-of-manic-ness-attack but Quatre and Trowel, defenceless, froze up and fell out of the tree, dead. Duo didn't notice - he was too busy staring love-struckenly at Heero.
"I am Heero Yuy your fairy god-saucer I am here to grant you three wishes but as I like you you can have as many wishes as you wi…want."
Duo grinned. That fairy god-saucer was going to regret saying that…
"OK my first wish is that you bring those guys back to life."
Heero did so.
Hmmm Duo thought. Now let me think - what else do I want?
*
Ten minutes later, Duo had everything he could ever have - and had - wished for - a lifetime's supply of chocolate, ice-cream and chocolate-ice-cream, five Porsches and a Ferrari, a box of trifle-sponges, a new sound-system, all the hair-care-products ever invented, a black cap, a scythe and a cake - oh, and the whole series of that show which he hadn't caught the name of on video and a VCR to play 'em on - to name but a few.
"Anything else?" Heero asked wearily.
"Of course there's more!" Duo said joyfully. "I just got to think about it Hero…"
"You got my name wrong!"
"What?" Duo said distractedly. "HEERO. HEERO, you're pronouncing the R wrong…"
"Sorry."
"Mission accepted. I mean, apology, apology. Accepted. Now what else do you want?"
"Um…"
You?
I don't suppose I'd get THAT… Shame
Duo sighed. He looked at Trowel. Well, someone may as well be happy…
"I want you to make that cat human. That's my nine-thousand…"
"…million…"
"Nine-million-six-hundredth wish."
Heero glanced at the cat, which was smiling at Duo.
"You OK with this, cat?"
Trowel nodded.
And suddenly he was gone, replaced by a tall, slim boy with only one eye visible beneath the brown hair that fell over his face.
Quatre stared at him, stunned.
"You're so…" But he couldn't think of the word.
"Beautiful?" Duo suggested gently. Quatre smiled and nodded slightly.
Duo turned back to Heero.
"Now all I want is a house for us all to live in, please."
"Mission accepted…er…granted… Come on, I'll take you to it…"
"Trowel, Quatre, come on we're going to our new house!"
Heero walked off, and the other three followed him.
*
If you liked that, you're a moron. I mean, great, keep an eye out 'cause there will be more!!
In the next part: a certain blonde princess too stupid to remember her own name dies. Possibly more than once… Duo's cross-dressing servant discovers the joys of line-dancing and Sex moves into a mushroom. NOW you HAVE to want to read more. Right?
Feed me and I write! *^_^*