AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well,
folks, this is what I do when I have writer's block. And now I have a serious
case of it, it's bugging me big time. Let's let y'all know that this may
contain material that the more uptight of us may find objectionable and it's
weird, maybe stupid, and maybe even kinda funny. I d'nno. My sick attempt at
some I-man humor. And my portrayal of myself in here is fairly accurate
so...MWAHAHAHAHAAAA! *Evil laughter* Beware the evil French Pea. Shout-out to
Nebula, who inspired Darien's exclamation of "ACKFISH!" MrsSpooky who inspired
Arnaud's Speedo and fawkesy_and_lovin_it, who inspired (THE WHOLE THING!) errm,
actually, Darien's leather pants.
DISCLAIMER: Hey, I'm
flattered if you think I own Darien...and really, I only *claim* to own Arnaud,
and neither of them are mine *sniffle* Haruka Ten'ou isn't mine either...*sniff
sniff* BUT I can take credit for Joel and Wrenn, who are my babies and whose
personalities I created. Wrenn is in fact the personification of a cranky but
creative muse who is hyper and gets me excited about something and then disses
me after I write it. CRISSY IS MINE TOO!
Crissy: I am, am I?
Andi: Well...yeah....
Rated: PG13 for
language and some *ahem* adult concepts.
Darien: Oh no, I can
see it coming.
Duo: Where did I come
from?
Andi: Ack! Where did you come from?? Get out, out I say!
Arnaud: One word
before we start. I do actually wear Speedos. I --
*Andi shuts the whole
crew up so y'all can read the story. *
FANTASY TRIP ONE: BOOZE PARTY
Darien Fawkes, Invisible Man
extraordinaire, awoke suddenly to find himself in a small, white room. Totally
devoid of any features, the room wasn't padded, but there were no doors or
windows either.
He was lying on the floor,
sprawled, and slowly stood up, discovering that he was wearing his sexy orange
shirt and a pair of jeans. No, wait, not jeans! Leather pants! He ran one hand
down the smooth, slippery fabric and grinned. He'd never worn leather pants
before and damned if it didn't make him feel good and sexy.
Suddenly, someone gave a
strangled cry and fell through the ceiling--yes, through the ceiling!-- and onto the floor.
Darien looked down at the curled
figure, probably unconscious and certainly not moving, and gasped. It was--it
was Arnaud! He was curled into a fetal position, wearing a black suit with the
cream colored shirt underneath it half-unbuttoned and several lipstick-prints
on the exposed chest.
Damn, he looks sexy! Darien's brain thought
without his permission. "ACKFISH!" he exclaimed, and smacked himself once on
the side of the head. What'm I thinking???
The Swiss sexy man stirred from
his position on the floor and moaned, sat up slowly and exclaimed, "Oh my aching head!" without opening his eyes.
He grabbed blindly at Darien's
leg, pulling Darien down towards himself, planting a kiss smack on Darien's
lips without ever once opening his eyes. Only when Darien gave a strangled yelp
and pushed (or more accurately tried to push) Arnaud away did Arnaud crack open
one eye and exclaim "SACRE FRELLING BLEU!"
He stood up, adjusted his tie,
and tried to brush his suit off, wiping the lipstick off of his chest and
buttoning his shirt.
"NOW WHATDJA DO THAT FOR?" A
voice bellowed from nowhere. The author had struck. "DAMMIT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO
BE POINTLESS SLASH!!!! NOW DO WHAT I SAY!!! NEITHER OF YOU GO HOME UNTIL YOU
MAKE OUT!!!! IN A HOT TUB!!!!"
"Huh?" Darien looked confused
and the author cursed herself for making him so dense in this story.
"Oh never mind," she sighed, and
the room was silent.
Arnaud cocked an eyebrow. "Why
mademoiselle French Pea! I expect to be treated better than this!"
"ALL RIGHT!" the author's voice
bellowed again, "I'll put in some better parts, I promise. Just gimme some time, handsome!"
Arnaud smiled coyly and glanced
over at Darien.
He is so fucking hot! Darien's mind chirped again,
and Darien exclaimed, "HOLY CHEESE!" and whacked the side of his head again.
Arnaud settled his rear on the
floor again, bonelessly plopping down, and frowned, obviously waiting for
something exciting. Little did he know that the author had been stricken by a
horrible case of I-can't-think-of-a-good-plot-itis.
Suddenly, from nowhere, Haruka
Ten'ou a.k.a. Amara something and SAILORURANUS appeared. She was the best
sailor senshi EVER! She fell into the room and stood up happily, pulling out
her Space Sword even though she wasn't wearing her kootchi Sailor outfit that
has a real name the author just can't remember. "Wow," she commented, glancing
down at her pants and legs. "I'm not so badly-drawn anymore!"
"Well duu--uhh!" exclaimed
Arnaud, shaking a finger. "This is a *manga* fanfic you know! The author can't
stand badly-drawn anime!"
"Mmm," said Haruka, glancing
about. "Where're Michiru and the daemons? I wanna kick some ass, man!"
"Wait WAIT WAIT!"
the author exclaimed,
appearing in the center of the room. She, of course, was gorgeous, with
mid-back length auburn hair and sparkly green-blue eyes. All the men in the
room, as well as Haruka, were struck dumb by the sight of her.
"How did YOU get here?!" she
exclaimed, shaking a wad of papers at Haruka. "It's not in the SCRIPT!"
"There's a script?" Darien
looked confused. "Can I get a copy? I'm stuck. I've forgotten my lines!"
"NO! IT'S MY SCRIPT!" the author
exclaimed, waving the wad of paper above her head. "Haruka! You gotta go! This
is supposed to be Pointless Slash with a capital P and S!"
"I shall not go 'till my duty is
fulfilled!" declared the tall, blonde woman, waving the beautiful Space Sword
above her head and calling out, "URANUS CRYSTAL POWER MAKEUP!"
She was suddenly standing there
wearing a really dumb sailor outfit, with a short skirt.
The author moaned. "Gosh, why
did you have to do that??? Now you
look really stupid!" She dropped the script. "And you!" she pointed at Arnaud. "Why
the hell are you wearing a suit?"
She picked up a paper, snapped
her fingers, and a pencil appeared. She scribbled frantically on the paper, and
suddenly in a poof of pink powder, Arnaud was wearing nothing but a Speedo,
holding a martini, and had sunglasses pushed in his hair. "Oooh much better."
She glanced at Darien. "Nice pants, by the way. They highlight your great ass."
Darien didn't even hear her. He
was too caught up in staring at Arnaud. "Umm humm..."
Suddenly, two young men, also
drawn in manga style, fell through the ceiling, one landing on top of the
author. Luckily, he was small and slim, and the author wasn't hurt.
"JOEL AND WRENN???" the author
exclaimed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE???"
The taller boy, who had blue
eyes and a long auburn braid, glanced up. "I am the Sabre! I'm here to kill
people. I guess..." he glanced at the other boy. "...Or maybe I'm here to screw
Wrenn. Your decision." He glanced at the author. He was, after all, her
creation, and subject to her whims.
"Screwmescrewmescrewme!" the
smaller boy exclaimed, climbing off of the author, brushing some platinum
blonde hair out of his lavender eyes, and turning a couple cartwheels.
"Not NOW!" the author exclaimed,
grabbing one of Wrenn's cartwheeling legs and pulling him down. "Go home!"
"Idawanna!" the small
Sagittarius boy growled. "I wanna stay here with Joel. 'S more fun. Besides,"
he glared at the author, "I finished all those dumb speeches. Why do I always
have so much work to do, anyway? Geeze, what am I, just a lousy sidekick and
boyfriend type character?"
"Uhh, yeah." The author crossed
her arms. "Basically."
Neither the author nor Wrenn
noticed that a hot tub had appeared in the room and that Darien and Arnaud were
in it, making out, as per the author's requests. Haruka was slicing onions with her Space Sword and crying over
the kitchen sink, which had just appeared.
"OKAY!" the author suddenly had
a Most Exceptionally Brilliant Idea and
raised one hand. "You're all here and mostly under my control! SO! Repeat after
me!" she drew a breath, "YAOI IS GOOD!"
Everyone repeated after her,
although some of them were quite distracted. The author looked smug.
"AGAIN!" She cried triumphantly!
"YAOI IS GOOD!" the room shook
with the thunderous cry.
"Good, good," the author rubbed
her hands greedily. "Very nice."
She glanced at Haruka. "Hey,
'Ruka, babe, I hear Michiru calling for you."
The blonde snapped to attention.
"WHERE is she?!"
"Uhh." The author glanced at
Wrenn, whose arms were crossed. He leaned over and whispered something to the
author, being her Chief Muse as well as a favorite character.
"She's not here! I think she's
outside!" the author cried, pointing with the rolled script.
"Cool!" yelled Haruka,
disappearing.
Wrenn smiled triumphantly at the
author. She sighed. "Ohh my dear Wrendell, why must you be so handsome? And
so..so...Sagittarius?"
"You created me, lady! You tell
me!" he scowled and glanced over at Joel, who was fiddling with his braid and
humming something. His face softened. "Well...I gotta say, you did give me Joel..."
"Yeah...actually I'm kinda proud
of you guys. You're real...well, believable."
She patted Wrenn, who was only
two inches taller than her 5'5", on the head and smiled, only then remembering
Darien and Arnaud.
She riffled through her papers.
"Hey Arnie??" she called, knowing that the Swiss terrorist hated being called
by that name, "you ever heard the song 'Easy' by Fuel, babe?"
"UHHMMHUMM!" a loud but muffled
affirmative came from the opposite side of the room and the petite author
glanced over to see a mess of thrashing limbs in the hot tub. She giggled
happily.
"Like it?"
"AAHHH!! YESSS!!!" the cry came
from the hot tub again.
"Okay...he may not have been
answering me but, hey, I'll take that
as an affirmative..." the author smiled wolfishly and glanced over as the
horribly active Wrenn fidgeted.
"Oh, sorry, Wrenny, forgot 'bout
you and Joel for a minute."
"Guess what?" The blonde's eyes
narrowed and his mouth curled up.
"Oh no..." the author knew all
too well what was coming, since she had created Wrenn.
"Guess!" the impish, elfin, slim
boy chirped.
"You're John Travolta." The
author guessed quite flatly.
"Damn!" Wrenn shook his head.
"Ya got me!" he thought for a moment. "Okay, okay. I'm not John Travolta...but I am..."
The author cringed.
"ELTON JOHN!" the blonde went
into a full-fledged impression. "MAH tears COME cold I'm wond'rin'
WhaaaaHAYYY..."
The author laughed. "NO NO NO!
NO Elton John impressions! I KNEW I
never shoulda let you watch the Grammys! You little blonde baka!"
Wrenn ignored her and continued
his heartfelt impression of Elton John singing Dido's part on "Stan" by Eminem
and Dido at the Grammys.
The author fell on the floor and
Joel went into the kitchen, coming back with a knife. "I need to fulfill my
homicidal urges," he informed the room, and attempted to walk through one of
the walls.
"No, Joel, hon, it's tacky. You
can only walk through 'em when they're wet," the author informed him, watching
as his hand became entangled in the sticky white wall. Suddenly, the calming
strains of Dido drifted through the air.
"NOT IN THE MOOD!" called the
author, flicking her finger, and the music was changed to Fuel.
"Well damn!" exclaimed Joel,
pulling his hand free. "Where's the door, then? I have to fulfill my homicidal
urges!"
There was a loud scream from the
hot tub and Darien popped up with Pavlov's teeth dug into his arm. "GETITOFF!!
GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!"
Arnaud's hand reached up to
disengage the dog from Darien's arm and throw Pavlov across the room where the
dog hit a wall and became stuck, his long silky fur covered in goo.
Darien smiled and sat back in
the tub. Moments later, he was pulled underwater.
"Joel-chan, silly baka. Forget
the homicidal urges for a bit, and let's have some coffee." The author had
forgotten completely about the plot.
"Coffee?" Joel's braid spun out
as he turned. "I love coffee!"
"Hrmmph," Wrenn grumped, "I
thought you loved me."
"Coffee, Wrenn, coffee,
Wrenn..." the freckled homicidal maniac weighed the two on different hands.
"Coffee, Wrenn, coffee, Wrenn..."
"No coffee for Wrenn," said the
author, starting the machine. "He's hyper enough as it is...I don't wanna see
him with a caffeine high..."
"BOOZE!" Wrenn exclaimed,
opening a cabinet and coming up with a bottle of Heineken's.
"OH NO!" cried the author,
overcome by the urge to sing "Wrenn's Drinking Ditty". "Wrendell! You're way
too young for that!"
"Seven months too young, thanks
much," the Muse/Sidekick replied, pulling 3 large mugs out of the cabinet and
pouring three foaming glasses of beer. "And now," he distributed the three
glasses, "we all know what it's time for!"
Someone screeched hoarsely from
the tub, and two dripping wet, naked men walked into the kitchen. All three of
the kitchen's inhabitants' jaws dropped and the author began to drool.
"Uhoh." Joel reached over and
closed the author's jaw and Wrenn collected himself. "Two more?"
"BEER!" cried Darien, lunging
for the bottle. Wrenn leapt to the counter and protected the Heineken's
valiantly, grappling for a glass for Arnaud, who was in the other room
recovering his Speedo. Darien, however, did not seem to care about clothes--all
he wanted was BEER BEER BEER!
Wrenn managed to get a mug
poured for Arnaud and then Darien grabbed the bottle, shoving it into his mouth
and pouring it down his throat.
The author reached out and
slapped Darien's hand. "BAD!" she chastised as Darien whimpered like a hurt
puppy. "No-no, Darien. Andi no want all beer consumed by greedy Darien! Other boys
want beer too. Darien understand?"
Darien whimpered and nodded and
the author smiled, as Darien got on his knees to have his head petted. She even
added a scratch behind his ears as he gave her the bottle without a big fight.
He purred and then barked and rubbed his head against her legs.
The author laughed triumphantly,
thinking to herself, only I know
that Darien turns into a puppykat after having... she was cut off as Arnaud
held up his glass valiantly, proposing a toast.
"To the Author! Without whom we
would not all be here together and some of us wouldn't be here at all!"
The author blushed, bowing her
head, and lowered her eyes. Finally, she held up her glass, forgetting that she
was too young to drink and the others clinked their glasses against hers,
except Darien, who was still on the floor and rubbing his head around her legs
and purring/barking.
Suddenly, there was a poof of
beautiful cobalt smoke and there stood who else but!!!! The author's boyfriend!
Tall, dark, and handsome, he spoke with a slight accent that betrayed his
Austrian origins. "There you are, Andi! Gee, I've been looking for you, my
little French Pea!"
He eyed the still-naked Darien
rubbing his head against her shins and caught sight of Arnaud wearing a Speedo
in the corner, drinking his beer. "Booze party?" Inquired the author's
boyfriend, Crissy.
"Sorta. Wrenn found the
Heinekens." The author shrugged apologetically.
"You shouldn't go off on these
little adventures to the far dusty corners of your mind like that without
telling anyone!" Crissy shook his finger at her, smiling, his bright cobalt
eyes sparkling. "We were looking for you, Cherie!"
The author looked down and
blushed again. "Well, I was trying to get Arnaud and Darien alone and write
some Pointless Slash with a capital P and S, but things got out of
hand...sorry, Criss."
Darien licked the author's leg,
looking up her skirt, and she slapped him. "Bad!"
He whimpered, and then suddenly
stood up. "Why am I on the floor? Why am I naked? Why was I whimpering like a
puppy?"
The author rolled her eyes,
glancing at Arnaud and winking covertly.
Crissy's dark forelock fell
across his face and he brushed it back. "Uhhh...Andi...I need the computer."
The author sighed reluctantly,
not wanting her little fantasy-trip to end. "Reality is such a bitch!"
Joel nodded. "Considering that I
don't even exist in reality, I'd say that's pretty accurate."
"I'm Elton John!" Wrenn
exclaimed again, but Joel clapped a hand over his mouth before anything else
could pop out.
" 'Kay guys. You heard Crissy.
Everyone's gotta go home now." The author grinned apologetically.
Wrenn sighed through Joel's hand
and Joel shrugged. "Later, Miss Author Ma'am." He nodded to Crissy, grinning.
"Later, Mr. Author's Boyfriend Sir."
Wrenn piped up, pulling Joel's
hand away, "Bye-bye everyone!" Joel winked at Wrenn and the two disappeared in
puffs of red-gold and lavender smoke.
"Darien, Arnaud, you complied
with my wishes, now, by all means, GO HOME!" The author shooed the two.
"Uh...how?" Darien frowned in
confusion.
"OH hell!" The author exclaimed,
and Darien disappeared in a cloud of orange smoke and an "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Arnaud smiled, bowed, and walked
over to kiss the author's hand. "A pleasure, mademoiselle. Monsieur," he nodded
to Crissy, and disappeared in a cloud of pale green smoke and the sound of
Filter's song, "Cancer".
Crissy grinned down at the
author. "Getcher little butt outta here now, missy!"
The author sighed reluctantly.
"Do I hafta?"
"You hafta. I have papers to type
up."
The author sighed heavily and
closed the word processing program resignedly.
REVIEW! Review or I shall send my army of Chibis to kill you! Beware the evils of Chibi Sailor Senshi Darien Fawkes and Chibi Waitress Arnaud!
**Special note: Author's (rapidly growing) army of Chibis contains: Chibi Sailor Senshi Darien Fawkes, Chibi Waitress Arnaud, Chibi Lithium Bobby Hobbes, Chibi Topless Dancer Joel, Chibi QSM Nurse Darien Fawkes, Chibi Cross dresser Arnaud, Chibi Haruka-as-a-guy, Chibi Gymnast Wrenn, Chibi CEO Crissy, Chibi Playboy Bunny Andi, Arnaud, Darien, Haruka, Joel, and Wrenn, Chibi Waltzing Darien and Arnaud, Chibi Hot Brett Scallions, Chibi Leather Rob Thomas, Chibi Lefty Sean from Vertical Horizon, Chibi Rolling In Bed Dido, Chibi "Stan" Eminem (watch out for this one!), Chibi Miniskirt Arnaud, Chibi Miniskirt and Lipstick Duo (just 'cos I think he's a cutie, not that I actually watch the show regularly), Chibi Pajama Arnaud, Chibi Rumpled Eberts, Chibi Puppydog Darien, Chibi Karaoke Arnaud and Darien (Come as a set), Chibi Leather Scott Stapp, Chibi Swimmer Wrenn, Chibi Elocutor Wrenn, Chibi Dead Rolff (Don't ask who Rolff is...in a later fic is he!), Chibi Tight Jeans Vincent Ventresca, Chibi ??? (Undecided as of yet) Joel Bissonnette, Chibi Bite Me! Wrenn, Chibi Bloodlust Joel (not to mention Arnaud, Darien, Andi, and Wrenn), Chibi Dead and Buried Dannie (*sniff* You'll find out, it's in my current fic I'm working on), Chibi Suicidal Darien, Arnaud, and Joel, Chibi Lonely Wrenn, Chibi Manic-Depressive Joel, Chibi Hippie Darien, Chibi Leather Mick Jagger, Chibi Poofy-hair Jon Bon Jovi!, Chibi Hair-in-bun Sailor Mars/Raye/Rei, Chibi Sweetie Michiru, Chibi Redhead Stefen, Chibi Poor Raped Whacked Vanyel, Chibi Dead *sniff* Tylendel, Chibi Not In Love With Rini Helios/Elios, Chibi Scorpy-possessed John, Chibi Bruno Ben Browder, Chibi Wiggle Your Butt More, I Like That Arnaud, Chibi Shake It Baby! Darien, Chibi Belting It Out Brett Scallions, Chibi Lead Singer Of Filter, Chibi Prom King Billy Christiansen, Chibi PMS Keepie, Chibi Multiple Personality Disorder Quatre (Again not cos I watch the show regularly, more cos I like how the boy looks! And his other personality almost killed Relena in a fic, so he's got that goin' fer him too!), Chibi Prince Darien (another fic, not finished), Chibi Bed-slave Arnaud, Chibi Cool Dude Han Solo, Chibi Tragic Jedi Luke Skywalker, Chibi Well You Suck! Wrenn, Chibi Husky-Voiced Johnny Rzeznik, Chibi Spiked Hair Wrenn, Chibi Bowling Ed Stevens, Chibi Hacker Ed Tate, Chibi Blue-Eyed Paul Muad'Dib Atreides, Chibi Cute Young Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, Chibi Handsome Feyd'Rautha, Chibi Even Cuter And Also Bene Gesserit Farad'n, Chibi Abomination Alia, Chibi Ghola Duncan Idaho, Evil Chibi Rini, Evil Chibi Eminem, Evil Chibi Sailor Moon, Evil Chibi Sailor Saturn, Evil EVIL EVIL EVIL EEEEVIL Chibi Bunny (A.k.a. Serena and Sailor ACK ACK Moon), Evil Chibi Darien Shields/Tuxedo Mask, Evil Chibi Young Emperor, Evil Chibi PMS Coemgen, and Evil Chibi Tired Sir Christopher. As we stated previously this army is RAPIDLY growing. Many of these Chibis are up for adoption due to the simple fact that the author cannot control them. Especially the Evil Chibis, which are to be taken carefully and handled at their own risk. If you would like to adopt one of the author's Chibis or Evil Chibis, please let her know and she will be happy to let you know if that one is available and/or arrange adoption papers for you. Chibis are fun little creatures to enjoy. The author just has so many it's kind of hard to enjoy them all. **
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE AUTHOR IS ALSO VANYEL ASHKEVRON'S SWORN PROTECTOR.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE AUTHOR IS ALSO STEFEN'S SWORN
PROTECTOR.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE AUTHOR IS ALSO TYLENDEL FRYLENNES' SWORN PROTECTOR.