Title: THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (2/2)
Authors: Nessy & Cirglas
Classification: V R A H
Rating: PG-13 (A few swear words-you know how Mulder is g )
Disclaimer: They are not ours. They belong to 10-13
productions and Chris Carter.
Spoilers: Abduction Arc, Memento Mori, Emily, Small
Potatoes...
Keywords: Mulder/Scully Romance
Summary: Mulder reflects on his feelings for Scully
Post: Gossamer and EP is fine, anywhere else, please tell us
where you're gonna post it - we want to come visit :))
THE WORLD'S A CRAZY PLACE (2/2)
by Nessy & Cirglas
Mulder's apartment
I just don't know what to do about her. She monopolizes my
thoughts and I can't seem to do anything about it.
Here I am, lying on my couch on a Saturday evening, having
nothing better to do than pondering my relationship with my
work partner, Dana Scully.
It's not that I have just recently developed unpartner-like
feelings. I've had them all along.
First it was more her intriguing personality and my own
curiosity combined with a touch of mysterious attraction that
spiked my interest in her.
Over the years it grew into much more. It turned into trust,
companionship, friendship and something else that I'm not
really quite ready to discuss right now.
Anyways, Scully has without doubt become the most important
person in my life.
The problem is, I don't know how to tell her.
Or do I even want her to know?
It would be better for our work relationship if she never
knew I lo-- never knew how much I care for her. It would be
better for her, too.
Because of me she has suffered things no human should have to
suffer in a thousand lives, least of all in one life. And she
of all people deserves so much to be happy.
She is the most loyal, true, just, dependable, caring,
intelligent, inspiring, devoted, passionate, beautiful human
being that I could ever have imagined.
And I had the fortune and the pleasure not only to meet her
briefly, but also to work with her and have her around me on
a daily basis.
If she just wasn't in so much danger working with me, I could
really be happy about that. But this way every time I think
of how lucky I am that she's with me, I recognize that she'd
be so much happier without me; so much healthier, so much
freer.
She tells me that's not true, and that I'm not supposed to
feel responsible for everything and so on. But I can't help
it. I am responsible for most of the things that happened,
and so I feel guilty about them.
The first incident that comes to my mind is her abduction.
God, what a nightmare! Three long months during which I
didn't know what was happening to her, if she'd ever come
back, or if she were already dead. I was a wreck. Till then I
hadn't known how much I've come to depend on her, how much
she has become a part of me.
Then they returned her to let me see her die. If she had, I
would have followed her - maybe not that night, maybe not
intentionally. But, nevertheless, I probably wouldn't have
made it through the change of the year.
Luckily for us both, she lived through it.
But they had a plan b: 'If she pulls through give her
cancer.'
How considerate.
In that small hospital room where Scully told me about her
disease, I almost lost it. She was shaken, I could see it in
her eyes and I longed to somehow comfort her. The only way I
knew to do that was to continue like before, so that she
wasn't reminded - who am I kidding? - so I wasn't reminded
of her illness.
There were a few moments when I thought we'd break down our
walls and let it out, talk about our feelings, our fears, but
those moments passed and we ignored them. I, because I was
terribly afraid of her reaction, of losing her like I lost
all the other people that I loved. She, because she thought
I'd believe she was weak - no chance with that though. She's
the strongest, bravest, person I know. The way she fights my
demons, my theories, my -our- enemies, makes me so proud I
could burst.
Who else would have defeated cancer? No one but my precious
Scully.
And what happened then? Then They showed her a glimpse of the
life she could have had, had she never known me: They showed
her her daughter, Emily, just to take her away again, as if
to say, 'this is your own fault, Agent Scully, you should
have not messed with us.'
Emily was the last straw for me... I really don't know how
Scully managed to keep calm. I thought, 'To hell with it, why
shouldn't I comfort her, why shouldn't I be there for her,
screw professionalism.'
But Scully didn't let me. I admit, I know why. Really. I do.
I never was able to be there for her before, I was too
absorbed in aliens and consortium to really notice anything
wrong with my partner. Or I was too chicken to show her how
much I cared. And when I finally noticed that something was
wrong, when I finally had decided to ignore my fears and face
our feelings, it was usually too late. Scully had already
hidden behind that 'Great Wall of Scully' and there was no
way for me to get to her.
I do have to say that she's really good at this 'I'm fine'
game. But she can't fool me, oh no, don't think that. She
just has a way of saying those words so that you know they
are meant threatening - 'Stop nagging, Mulder, or you'll
regret it!'
And I usually bend to her wish. I leave her alone, even
though I know I'll kick myself for it later on. For being so
stupid, so unbelievable scared, and taking the easy way out.
So here I am. Alone on my couch wondering about my partner
and our relationship. To some extent I know her very well,
then again, I fear I know almost nothing when feelings,
personal stuff, are concerned. And why not? Because of those
stupid walls between us!
I think it's time to get a ladder and overcome those useless
barriers, tear them down, because I really don't want to go
on like this. And Scully...
Scully? Scully will... I don't know what she thinks about
that matter. Would she want to help me tear down those walls?
Thinking of our past, I think she just might agree to take a
step forward with our relationship. I don't even have to
close my eyes to see her in her living room with that nobody
Eddie lying half over her, pretending to be me. I've imagined
myself in that situation hundreds of times, how it would have
ended or rather not ended if it had been me...
But I was talking about Scully. Yes, I do believe she's
interested in, or at least not against, a pursuance of our
mutual feelings for each other.
Now all I need to wait for is the perfect moment... Is there
even something like a perfect moment? Maybe I should just
decide I'm going to choose the least inconvenient moment,
that sounds like a more reasonable decision.
So, when I confront her there shouldn't be blood or pain or
death involved, and I should not be under the influence of
drugs - been there, got the t-shirt - otherwise she'd not
believe me. I have to approach her when she knows it's my own
decision, my own free will.
That is a pretty confining decision already, when do we talk
about anything important without pain being involved? It
would have to be between cases, maybe on a weekend or so...
Why not today?
Nah...
Why not? Now is as good as ever. I'd really like to go see
her and talk about us. There's no time like the present.
Should I bring anything with me?
A bottle of wine?
Nah, what do they always say, Mulder? Just be yourself.
I'll stop by that Chinese take-out place on my way.
Here goes nothing.
Scully's personal journal
Oh, the doorbell. Gotta get that.
----------------->--next day--
Well, guess what, it was Mulder. And take another guess... He
stayed overnight. NOT on the couch.
He came over with a lot on his mind and a bag full of Chinese
take-out. We talked a long time last night and he told me so
many things about himself... and he saved the best for
last...
End of story
Sorry, it took us so long to finish the story, but we finally have it
ready. Please tell us what you thought...
Nessy & Cirglas
-------------------------------------------------------------------------SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST
VANESSA WILLIAMS
All of the nights you came to me,
When some silly girl had set you free.
You wondered how you'd make it through;
I wondered what was wrong with you.
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see.
But now we're standing face-to-face.
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Just when I thought our chance had passed,
You go and save the best for last.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see.
Sometimes the snow comes down in June;
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon.
Just when I thought our chance has passed,
You go and save the best for last.
You went and saved the best for last.