The Mind's Journey Home
AUTHOR: Chata Saladbar
Chapter 7: The Bigger Kiss
She disappears so quickly from his view that by the time Shang pushes his way to the stage he is at a loss on how to find her. He does not know why he feels the urgent need to speak to her, but something about her expression worries him. It is not often he relies on unfounded instinct, but an invisible force now draws him to her like gravity.
He finds Grandma surrounded by her women friends and tries to ask her about her granddaughter's whereabouts without sounding anxious.
"She has left? Of all times for her to wander off Captain Li..." she complains glancing back to her friends for a moment. Shang stands in fear that he would be kept there with some unnecessary exchange of pleasantries with her friends, but Grandma does not have these intentions. "Would you be so kind as to find her Captain? She will miss the opportunity to talk to so many of our distinguished friends." Again her smile is as warm and generous as before, with a hint of something devious.
He gratefully promises her that he would try before taking off in a quick pace around the village. He looks in alley ways, shops and even asks a few villagers making sure to note that it was her grandmother that was inquiring about her location. At last he follows a hunch and takes his stallion away from town.
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Shang finds the Li household is empty, he does not even hear a servant in the kitchen. He exits out into the garden, slowly walking pass the ornate statutes and carefully crafted walks and bridges. He stares out into the soft rolling landscape, hoping, wishing to see her image haloed against the evergreens. The scene is peaceful and empty, a stark contrast to the chaos of the village. With his heart heavy he turns to leave. Perhaps now is the best time to continue on his journey after his requisite thanks to her parents. Perhaps Mulan just truly did not want to be found.
A sudden, cold wind brushes the back of his head, and the too sweet smell of dying flowers fills his lungs. This makes him absently glance back into the garden to see the culprit tree that is losing its blooms. That is when he sees her, partially hidden and leaning against a Magnolia tree, its fleeing petals dropping around her like tears off a face.
He nervously walks toward her, stopping a few respectable yards from her for propriety he tells himself. Though the truth is that with each step closer he feels more in danger of becoming intoxicated and becoming a slave to emotions he'd rather not let surface.
"Mulan, your grandmother wishes you to return to the village." His voice is cool and proper. "I will accompany you back if you wish."
Their eyes meet and he feels his cheeks blush. She appears absolutely startled to see him and is immovable for a few moments. Upon recovery she states, "I told Grandma I wanted no more of the ceremony."
"Oh, I see." He is confused for a second, perhaps he had misunderstood her grandmother's intentions. "But you are so deserving in these celebrations. Why not go and enjoy your accomplishments?"
He doesn't know why the tension seems so tight, they'd been alone together before, but never as man and woman he realizes.
She looks down at her hands idling turning a leaf over and over. "I went through many celebrations gladly on my journey home, but here, among old acquaintances ..." She sighs deeply. "It feels so hypocritical to be around all these people who once thought I was so dishonorable and now suddenly have them think otherwise."
He instantly understands that he is among those acquaintances that had once believed her dishonorable, that his presence here disturbs her and causes her pain. He wants to beg again for her forgiveness for his unpardonable behavior, a behavior that she did try to make him believe was forgiven last night but too adbominable now in the light of day to do so in earnest. He wants to say that a moment doesn't go by where he doesn't think of his past actions without abhorrence, but his throat tightens and his mouth goes dry. Instead he stands there in silence wishing he had never come into the garden.
She turns away from him in an attempt to hide a sob that escapes her. But he hears and it cuts through his heart like a dagger. In two strides he is next to her. "Oh Mulan, I never met to hurt you with my presence," he pleads to her. "I'll leave at once, but please know I'd rather die than cause you any pain."
"No, no. You have done nothing wrong Shang. You've been nothing but good to me." She tells him after regaining some composure. "It is just me being incredibly foolish. I must admit that I have no right to be like this. You have every right to go to General Sun's house and take his offer, and being unspoken for you have every right to choose his daughter Meigui. She has always been known to eventually bring great honor to her family in marriage."
Shang steps closer, his mind reeling with vague hope. "I arrived at the ceremony very late and haven't spoken to the General, so I am not sure what you are talking about."
She looks curiously at him with a face so fresh and beautiful. "But I overheard his conversation with my father..." she starts, her eyebrows furrow in confusion. "...and you were already with her? Laughing and talking closely to her?"
"We were only talking. And as of being close, well, she is bold, which seems to the characteristic of woman raised in this village." He attempts to smile but she doesn't return it. His heartrate continues to increase. "As much as I would like to see the old general again, I could not accept any offer to see his family under that pretext. Meigui, although pleasant, is not a wife for me."
"Oh.." She murmurs, her mouth forming a perfect pink "O"; he can not take his eyes off of them.
"My hypothetical marriage disturbs you?"
"I didn't say that."
"But you were crying."
Seeing that she is cornered, Mulan turns the table back onto him. "Then why are you here if not to court her? Why not send someone else to return my helmet?"
Unable to speak the truth, he involuntarily reaches out and touches her cheek, letting his fingertips sample the smoothness of her skin. She doesn't move, but her breath quickens.
Feeling the full effect of the intoxication he so earlier tried to avoid Shang moves his hand into her hair arch her face closer into his. He knows he isn't suppose to do this but she is so close. His body vetoes his mind and he leans to softly brush her lips with his own, slightly, cells barely touching. That is all he wanted, just to feel those sweet pink lips hoping that would be enough to quench the strange and urgent desire threatening to overtake him.
Her intake of breath is soft and audible as she moves closer to him, her hands spreading over his breastbone. He can feel his heartbeat increase and the rough sound of his own breathing. "Oh Mulan," he hears himself mutter as if someone else had taken control of him. His next kiss is fuller and insistant, parting her warm lips. He is conscious of her body arching closer to him as her hands move up his chest to his shoulders then smooth arms interlacing around his neck locking him to her. He feels the curve of her hip and the pressure of her breasts against his body. He doesn't know how his own arms become wrapped around her possessively. As the kiss grows harder and he is consumed by its power. Taste and texture blend into a kaleidoscope of pleasure deep within him. The intimacy is so fierce that it is almost too late to stop when he realizes what was happening to them. Abruptly he grabs her shoulders and pushes her away.
"S-sorry..." he tries to speak as he fights to breathe and gain control at the same time. "I-I-I shouldn't have ..." he stutters, his voice barely heard over his own heartbeat.
Her cheeks are scarlet and her eyes widened endlessly as they search his face for an answer. She can feel herself trembling. The woman who so bravely ran toward 2000 charging Huns, the young warrioress who shattered Shan-Yu's body into a million pieces over the Imperial City and then slept soundly without remorse over the grumsome death of her enemies, this same woman stands petrified of herself right now. Petrified of her own sexual awakening, petrified of how she held him tight against her, how she did not want him to stop, how she would have so easily given herself to him even though she did not know if he would be with her tomorrow.
He takes a slow deliberate breath before he speaks again. "I would have never--I wouldn't have...done this unless--," He has visions of Fa Zhou impaling him with Shan-Yu's sword, which at this point he would take as masochistic ecstasy.
Her eyes narrowed, unblinking and vaguely intimidating. There is a thick, lush silence as his heart continues to thud. A thousand needles seem to prickle up and down the skin of his back as his stomach clenches tight, drawing itself into a harsh knot. It isn't supposed to be like this.
He draws another long breath and turns away from her. The view across the garden is settling, the trees moving softly in the wind give him him some calming strength.
"I don't know how to tell you," his voice is a soft whisper, as he watches the last magnolia blooms lay still on the grounds after being brushed off effortlessly from their branches; they form a vision of white, pink and green that suddenly blur in his vision. "I don't mean to shame you, believe me. I adore you...I can't stop thinking about you, how wonderful and beautiful you are. And I don't know what to do about it because I know you deserve so much more. You deserve someone that never doubted you ..." He stops himself before he starts incoherantly rambling.
A few seconds of tortuous silence.
"But you are the General Li's son, your family is the most respected in China," she finally tells him. "You can have anyone. You can choose for you the most excellent obedient and quiet wife, so unlike me."
He turns to look at her, slowly, deceived by the serenity of her voice. "You are China's nobliest and truest hero," he tells her, "your family will be honored forever. You don't need any pompous and arrogant captain as a husband, if that were your wish. Especially not one who hurts you and takes advantage of you."
She smiles broadly, in a way he remembers Ping doing once. "Well, I served under the greatest Captain, who trained me well in the martial arts so..." she starts moving closer to him,"if that wasn't my true wish, do you think I would allow a man to kiss me as if he were my arrogant husband without kicking his face into the ground?"
Shock takes him back for a moment as she slips her arms around him and rests her cheek on his chest. "I adore you too Captain," she whispers to him, her voice as soft and light as those petals once drifting in air.
The scent of her, sweet and fullbodied, is unspeakably filling. Never good with words, he just lets his hand glide the round curve of her shoulder and down the delicate flare of her hips while the other hand grasps her slender hand. He notices how each fingernail is a perfect pink oval with one pearly half moon. He is overcome with the happiness of the prospect of so many new little discoveries that lie ahead.
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