Thoughts and Memories.
By Arian
They assembled in front of the screen the next morning.
"Wait a minute! How did we know Raine wouldn't die while we were sleeping?" Rinoa exclaimed.
"Umm…we didn't." Selphie said.
"I told ya we should of stayed and watched."
"Irvine!" Quistis scowled at him, hoping Squall hadn't been paying attention. He had.
"What? He wanted to stay in here? Irvine, these are my parents, dammit! I'm not going to let you leer at them!" Squall told him, unusually emotional.
Rinoa winked at Ellone, who quickly surmised that the events of yesterday had touched Squall deeply and that Rinoa had been doing everything she could to encourage that. How would he take what must surely happen today? Ellone was nervous. She had never actually seen this day before. All that she had told Squall about Raine's death she had learnt from other people. She knew today would be painful but she felt it was important they should all see this.
Ellone suddenly realised that all conversation had ceased as Rinoa turned up the volume on the screen and the events of the past unfolded once more.
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Raine sat in bed, trying bravely to find something edible in the breakfast Laguna had cooked. It would probably help if she could identify what it was. The only way to find out now would be to ask him but he had been so happy that he could cook her breakfast she did not want to upset him.
She coughed and pushed the plate aside. He should've made toast. Even he couldn't foul up toast, she thought wryly.
"You don't want any?" Laguna smiled.
Raine opened her mouth to answer, when suddenly her expression changed.
"Oh!" She exclaimed "Oh dear!"
"What is it?" Laguna asked, worried.
Composing herself, she spoke very slowly and calmly to her husband.
"I want you to go to the house with all the flowers, half way to the shop. Go in, and ask the old woman to come and see Raine, OK?"
"Why?"
"Don't ask questions, just go!"
Confused he started to walk to the stairs, then stopped. Realisation of what was happening dawned on him and he turned to stare at Raine before running out the door.
Raine laughed softly to herself until the next twinge made her grimace.
After a few minutes had passed, the old lady appeared, followed by Laguna.
"This is bad, Raine." The village midwife told her. "You've only just recovered from that fever and you're still very weak."
Raine nodded, then gasped at the pain she felt.
"Alright, lets see what we can do. You want him in here?" the woman asked, indicating Laguna.
"I need him. Don't send him away!" Raine pleaded. The midwife nodded and gestured for Laguna to sit down.
Pulling a chair to the bedside, he sat looking into Raine's face. Whatever was going to happen to the rest of her, he didn't want to see. Taking her hand, he leaned close and kissed her cheek.
"I love you." He told her and watched her smile but far too soon it faded from her face.
"I think… I'm going to die." Her face was frightened, as if saying it might make it come true.
"Don't be silly! You're gonna be fine!" Laguna answered too quickly in a tone of forced cheerfulness.
Raine looked at the midwife who shook her head slowly.
"I think not. But…you knew, didn't you? That it would come to this. That's why you were so desperately happy this morning, wasn't it?" She pieced together all the peculiar things he had said and done since he had come back.
"Yes, I knew." Laguna was relieved to give up the deception. "I've known since I came back from Esthar. Please don't ask me how because I really can't tell you. Just trust me."
She nodded. "Alright. But promise me you'll stay with me. Don't leave me alone. I'm so scared, I don't want to…" She stopped, unable to continue. "Stay with me. Stay until the very end."
"Of course." He promised clutching her hand.
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"How did she know?" Squall demanded. "Sis, I don't understand!"
Ellone shook her head. "I really don't know. Perhaps she just…knew. Or else something in Uncle Laguna's face gave it away."
"Damn! I didn't want her to know. Then, at least she could've been happy for a bit longer."
"Squall, your mother, from what I've seen, was not stupid. She could've figured it out from Laguna's behaviour. Even if she didn't, just how long do you think he would be able to keep up this cheerful act? If Rinoa was going to die, would you be able to keep smiling to the end, telling her everything would be fine, even if you knew it couldn't be?" Quistis asked, vehemently.
Squall shook his head, remembering his panic when he thought Rinoa would die in space.
"No, I couldn't do that."
Rinoa smiled and flung her arms round his waist. Usually uncomfortable with her displays of affection in front of the others, today Squall found her presence soothing.
"It feels strange." He said quietly. "I'm watching my own birth." Pausing, he decided to tell them what he had been thinking. They always nagged him to share his feelings, so now he would.
"It's not something I'm used to feeling, but I think this is all my fault."
They stared at him, puzzled by this sudden guilt.
"I killed her, didn't I? Raine…my mother…died because of me."
"No!" Ellone told him. "It's not your fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine! I'm the one who didn't listen to Raine. I thought I'd be fine outside the pub but the soldiers came and took me away. If I'd listened perhaps none of this would've happened!"
"Listen to yourselves! You're both as bad as each other! Ellone, it is no ones fault. Raine being ill had nothing to do with your kidnapping. Even if it did, and you had stayed inside the pub, do you think the soldiers wouldn't have found you? Raine wouldn't have let them take you away, though. She probably would have died then, trying to save you." Quistis turned to Squall to continue her tirade.
"Honestly, Squall! I never thought I'd hear you saying you felt guilty about anything, especially something that is not - and could not be - your fault. You didn't have a choice, did you? You couldn't choose not to be born. That choice lay with your parents and always has. That doesn't mean thatyou it's their fault, either. No one could be blamed for this."
Squall looked up, sheepishly.
"Perhaps it is stupid to place blame."
Rinoa nodded.
"Look!" Selphie cried, pointing to the screen. "Squall, it's you!"
Squall couldn't understand the sudden mirth around him. Even Sis thought it was incredibly amusing to see him as a baby.
The laughter died as one by one they realised what this meant. They all knew Raine had died in childbirth. Squall had been born, so was Raine still alive?
*************************
Laguna kept his gaze fixed firmly on Raine's face. He didn't want to know what the midwife was doing, the whole thing terrified him. The pain Raine felt showed plainly on her face and he hated it. Hated that there was nothing he could do to make this easier for her. He triired not to think about what had to happen and winced at Raine's grip on his hands.
"Laguna!" Raine's scream reverberated around Winhill.
"It's OK. I'm here." He leaned down to comfort her when suddenly he heard a cry. A baby's cry. He sat up in amazement, then quickly looked down at Raine. She was still alive?! Did that mean she would be alright now?
"My baby…let me hold him…" Her voice was weary and she looked so exhausted.
"Raine! You're alright! It's over and you're still here!"
"I'm tired." She smiled, squeezing his hand gently.
The old women had finished cleaning the baby and handed Raine her son while she got on with cleaning up.
"Our son…" Raine looked down at the bundle in her arms, her voice filled with such love.
"I'm leaving now," the woman told her after a few moments, "I can do no more."
Raine nodded and there seemed to be a meaning there that Laguna could not understand. Seating himself on the edge of the bed, he looked at the baby, still stunned.
"Squall…" He whispered.
"What did you say?" Raine looked up at him. "Squall? That's perfect for him. Look at his eyes, Laguna. Grey…just like a stormy sky."
Carefully, Laguna wrapped his arms round his wife and child.
"I'm tired." She sighed. "He'll be special, won't he? I can't believe how much I already love him. I thought it would take time but it took no time at all. Squall…I like that name."
"Oh yes. He's special, alright." He laughed softly.
"I'm tired…Let me sleep, Laguna." Raine whispered, leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Rest then. I won't let anything hurt you…either of you." But Raine had already closed her eyes and was sleeping gently. Looking down into Squall's grey eyes, Laguna smiled. Even as a baby he had a frown.
"Special? He'll save us all, Raine." He breathed quietly, before closing his own eyes to sleep.
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"Yeah! Raine's alive! Whoo-hoo!" Selphie yelled, dancing madly round the room with Irvine. Squall saw Irvine wink at him as he spun past. Did that guy never give up?
"You can change the past, Ellone. Laguna just has." Squall heard Rinoa say. Ellone's eyes were filled with tears.
"No." she whispered. "You don't understand. It's not over yet."
Squall didn't understand. "Sis? What do you mean?"
"Time travel can't change anything. If Raine lived you would never have gone to Garden, yet you're still here with us. Laguna would have no reason to go back to see her if she had lived but all of us are still standing here. I understand now. When I told you Raine called out for Laguna when you were born…she did. Exactly as people told me. They just never told me he was there with her, perhaps they thought I already knew that bit."
"This is beginning to make my head hurt." Rinoa sighed.
"I think I understand what you're saying, Sis." said Squall, pausing. "She said she loved me, even then. How could she possibly…?"
"She was your mother." Rinoa shrugged.
"I don't want to watch anymore…but I have to see." He looked helplessly at Rinoa. She nodded solemnly.
"If there is more, we should see…"