Thoughts and Memories.
By Arian
Part 5 (Last bit I promise!)
Laguna opened his eyes. He hadn't really slept. However tired he was, it was so hard to sleep in daylight. Leaning down, he kissed the top of Raine's head. Something was wrong. She felt too cold and her breathing wasn't right. Starting to panic, he shook her gently.
"Raine, honey, wake up." Still Raine didn't stir. It seemed a miracle the baby was still asleep but young Squall appeared to be a heavy sleeper.
Slowly, Laguna recalled Raine's last words to him. "I'm tired…let me sleep." It couldn't happen now, could it? He had been so sure he had changed everything and in spite everything he was still very unprepared for this.
"Oh no…Not now! Raine, I thought you were going to be OK! Don't leave me Raine…" he pleaded, gently tilting her head back, so he could see her face.
Raine's eyelids fluttered open and she smiled weakly up at him. Seeing the weariness in her eyes, Laguna gave up hope.
"I'm so sorry. I thought I could save you or stop this from happening but I can't do a thing. I should've done things so differently." He said helplessly as tears streamed down his face.
Raine carefully laid Squall down on the bed next to her. "I love you, Laguna." She whispered, reaching up to his face. As he leaned down to kiss her, he felt her body heave a sigh, and the hand at his neck fell limp.
"Raine!" He cried out, holding her tightly to him, letting the tears of 17 years of guilt fall onto her hair. He couldn't change anything. Even if he had returned sooner from Esthar, there was nothing he could do to prevent this.
Sometime later, he heard someone enter and climb the stairs. Looking up, he saw the old woman had returned.
"You have to let her go now." She said calmly. "We have to bury her. I'll take the baby for you." Laguna had completely forgotten about Squall, still laying quietly on the blanket.
The woman paused, uneasy. It seemed it was up to her to ask the question but she still hated it. "What would you like to be written? On the gravestone?" She asked, as gently as she could.
Laguna stared up at her, words running through his head. Wife, mother friend, all she had been to everyone who knew her. It wasn't enough, he didn't have words for all that should be written there.
"Raine Loire." He said finally. "Just her name. Raine Loire. It's all that can be said."
The old woman nodded and, as she walked away with Squall towards the door, Laguna saw the green vapour beginning to appear.
"Put Squall in the Kramer's orphanage on Centra." He said slowly, knowing what had to be said. "Ellone will return here soon, send her with Squall."
Once she had left, Laguna carefully laid his wife's body on the bed.
"Goodbye, Raine." He said softly as the mist enveloped him once more. "Sleep well."
********************
Rinoa looked around her. Odine stood operating his machine, blissfully happy that his experiment had worked, paying no attention to the rest of them.
She sniffed and wiped the tears from her eyes. Selphie, Quistis and Ellone were crying, too. Even Irvine had turned his back and Rinoa was sure she had spotted Squall wiping his eyes.
She watched as the green mist billowed up and a figure appeared in the smoke. Sobbing Ellone ran to Laguna.
"Hey, Elle. What's the matter?" Laguna asked, his own eyes still red rimmed. Remembering he didn't know about his audience, Ellone froze and glanced guiltily at the screen. Laguna looked around at the tear stained faces and then at the screen.
"You…were watching?" He slowly put it all together. "Elle?"
"We had to. I'm sorry, we needed to see her too."
Nodding, he tried to accept this new information on top of all else that had happened and gave up. "I'm going to rest. See you in the morning, Elle."
As he started to walk from the room, Ssquall intercepted him.
"Laguna, I…don't know what to say to you. I'm not good at this, but I want you to know that I do understand some of it now. I've got to know my mother much better…and perhaps my father, too." Squall stopped, unsure of what to say next.
"Thanks, Squall. I am sorry for leaving you, when you were small, but I really didn't know."
Squall nodded and let Laguna walk from the room.
*************************
Squall stepped uneasily into the president's office in Esthar. It had been two days since he had last spoken to Laguna and the rumours he had heard were not promising. It seemed Squall's idea to send Laguna back had made him more melancholy than he had been before.
Squall walked to the back of the office where Laguna stood looking out over Esthar.
"Laguna," Squall said quietly, "You can't do this. You have responsibilities."
"Shut myself away up here, you mean? I wouldn't do that. But seeing Raine again, after all this time…I'm still so sure there was something I could've done. Perhaps in an earlier time? Odine or Elle could easily send me back again…"
Squall rolled his eyes. He thought they had already gotten this out of Laguna's system but it seemed not.
"Yes. They could send you back again." Squall sighed. "They could send you back constantly and you could spend your whole life reliving the happier times in Winhill over and over. But it wouldn't be real. It's in the past and you can't really change anything. In the past, there is a Laguna who loves and cares for Raine and is with her when she dies. That has to be enough now."
Laguna nodded.
"You're right, I know. But it is so difficult."
"You're needed here. The people of Esthar need you as President. Why, is something I've never been able to figure out, though. Kiros and Ward need their friend back, Ellone needs her Uncle Laguna back…and I…need my father back." Squall hesitated seeing the curious look on Laguna's face. "Not that I want to start playing happy families, or anything. It's too late for that. I just need to know you're here." He continued awkwardly.
When there was no reply, Squall walked towards the door.
"Squall." Laguna called as he opened the door. "Thanks."
Squall turned and saw Laguna smile before he headed back to Garden.
*************************
"How is he?" Ellone asked Kiros, as they hovered outside the office.
"For a while, I wasn't sure if he was better or worse, but he really is back to normal now. As normal as Laguna ever is."
Ellone smiled.
*************************
"It's up here somewhere." Squall told Rinoa as they climbed the hill.
"Squall, Laguna would have brought you up here if you'd asked."
"I know." He stopped and let her catch up. "But this is something I want to do on my own."
"I'm here."
"You don't count. You're special."
She smiled and they continued their walk. As they reached the marble plinth, she sensed his change of mood.
"What's the matter?"
"I had to come here. Just once. Just to see what it was like but now I'm here, I don't know what to do."
Rinoa held her hands apart and Squall watched as a brilliant white light left the ground and travelled to the space between her palms. Slowly, a shape began to form and the light faded, but did not leave entirely. She handed Squall a perfectly formed, large, white rose.
"Start by giving her this, Squall. It won't ever fade or die. It will stay here for Raine always. It's my gift to her, too." The young sorceress told him, softly.
"My mother loved flowers." He said simply as he knelt and laid the rose in front of the plinth.
*****************************
"Let him go, Ellone." Kiros told her, sometime later. "It doesn't do him any harm to visit her from time to time."
Ellone nodded and watched silently as Laguna walked to the stone on top the hill.
Reaching Raine's grave, Laguna saw a single, white flower left there, and he bent to pick it up. Seeing the glow that seemed to emanate from within its petals, he smiled and placed the rose back by the plinth. He knew where this had come from and he could guess who had created it and why it was here.
Sitting at the graveside, he sighed. The sense of guilt he had felt for so long had finally left him but nothing could fix the hole Raine had left in his heart.
"Well Raine, I suppose I should tell you what Squall has been doing with his life and who the young lady who made you the rose is." He started, and brushing the hair back from his eyes, he began to relate Squall's adventures.
Returning a few hours later, Ellone saw he had fallen asleep.
"Uncle Laguna." She shook him gently. "It's time to go back now."
Opening his eyes, he smiled at Ellone.
"OK, Elle." He climbed to his feet. "Let's go."
Ellone set off down the slope but hesitated when she saw Laguna had stopped.
"Sleep well, Raine." He whispered before turning back to Ellone. They both belonged in the present now, not the past.
The End
Author's note: Sorry to interrupt, but I just have to poke my nose in
again! I actually thought about writing an alternative ending to this. If
you're interested e-mail me, and if I get a good enough response then I
might write it... although it probably won't be what you're expecting...
Anyhow, more garbage from me for anyone who's interested, a poem this
time, I rather like it, so see what you think. It seems sort of appropriate
in places...
The Foreboding. By Robert Graves.
Looking by chance in at the open window
I saw my own self seated in his chair
With gaze abstracted, furrowed forehead, unkept hair.
I thought that I had suddenly come to die,
That to a cold corpse this was my farewell,
Until the pen moved slowly upon paper and tears fell.
He had written a name, yours, in printed letters:
One word on which to pour -
No protest, no desire, your naked name, nothing more.
Would it be tomorrow, would it be next year?
But the vision was not false, this much I knew;
And I turned angrily from the open window aghast at you.
Why never a warning, either by speech or look,
That the love you cruelly gave me could not last?
Already it was too late: the bait swallowed, the hook fast.