Chapter seven-The palace of the Great Milenko
"I thought it's been awhile since I've woken up in a dungeon with an immense headache," mused Ash looking around to see he was in a jail cell. His gun and chain saw were no where to be found. He sat up and saw that there where no bars on this cell. "This is too could to be true," he thought. "Only a complete moron wouldn't try and take advantage of a great chance like this," he stood up right and walked over to where the cell bars should have been. He took a deep breath and stepped forward and immediately felt a thousand volts of electricity shoot through every part of his body. He pulled himself out and flew back crashing into the wall. "See? Only an idiot." Ash was in the stages of trying to regain his footing when he heard long mangled laughter echoing from down the hall. This gave Ash proper incentive to get up and walk over again this time, craning his neck so that he could see somewhat down the hall without touching the invisible barrier.
What he saw was a man who looked to be a cross between The Ringmaster and The Butterfly. He wore a top hat on his head that showed no hair and wore a faint amount of clown make up on his face. He was dressed in an outfit similar to what a sleazy 50's magician would wear. "So you're the one who killed Ringmaster eh? What's your name? Ash is it?"
"Maybe."
"In any case… I am The Great Milenko. I'm glad the son of a bitch is dead so you've got my thanks if that means anything to you at all."
"Not really…nice thing to say about your brother."
Milenko chortled, "Brother? How did you think that?"
"Your both ugly as hell."
Milenko laughed even louder at that comment, "My…Butterfly wasn't kidding when he told me that you where the sharp wit. I question whether you're as strong as he claims though."
"Why?"
"Well defeating a broken down, worn out relic like The Ringmaster does not impress me much. Especially considering how much of his power he was using just to keep himself together."
"Enough of this pleasant crap…where are my…" Ash paused for a moment, "companions and what do you plan to do with me?"
"Your friends are in another part of my fortress and as for your fate…I was ordered by The Butterfly to kill you within the hour but…I couldn't live with myself until I've had my turn tearing you apart. With that in mind I've got a little deal for you."
"Which would be?"
"We're going to have a little 'fight' and if I win then you die and if you win then…you die…but if you win I'll make your death as painless as possible."
"Sounds like a win-win situation to me," replied Ash. "Let's go."
"Very well…" He reached into his vest and pulled out a wand that looked so utterly pathetic Ash could not help but snicker.
Milenko noticed this and his expression turned to one that was very dark. "You laugh now…but we'll see in a moment." He raised his wand in the air and brought it down and Ash felt himself being pulled out of his body with violent force. The pain was so sudden and great that Ash shut his eyes and when he opened them he saw that he was in a vast chamber. The ground felt solid but everything around him resembled the inside of a circus tent.
"Over here muscle-head," came Great Milenko who now had a far meaner expression to match the darker face. He swirled his magic wand left to right and in a flash Ash had his chain saw attached to his left hand and his shotgun in the holster on his back. "Now," he asked smiling. "Are you ready to die and have your soul sucked into the Dark Carnival?"
Ash gave a small smirk as he started up his chain saw, "Ready when you are magic boy."
Milenko sneered and moved his wand to the right and in a flash he disappeared. Ash saw that he was shooting all around him at a blinding speed. Ash tried to keep up and was able to at first but it proved futile and before Ash could do anything, Milenko appeared in front of him and leveled him with an uppercut. Ash quickly rose to his feet and saw Milenko leering nearby. Ash pulled out his shotgun and fired off several rounds. "Eat lead."
Despite the four bullets whirring towards him, Milenko showed no sign of fear. "Rather not," he raised is hand with the wand and stopped the bullets dead in their tracks. "Let's see how you like this!" he waved the wand slightly and the bullets turned into four gloves which spun around and blasted towards Ash meeting him fist on. Three of the gloves hit his chest and head but the fourth hi him directly in the crotch. Ash was about to fall to his knees but was clutched in the throat by Milenko who threw him towards the wall but waved his wand before Ash hit the wall and when Ash did hit the wall a hand emerged from the wall and slapped Ash in the face. Another hand appeared and paint-brush slapped him and a third appeared and attempted to drive two fingers into his eyes but Ash had enough sense to put hi hand between his eyes and block it. "Ha! Serves you-" Ash's words where cut off as the hand grabbed his tongue, pulled it out as far as it would go and let it go. The tongue snapped back and sent Ash flying back and crashing to the ground where he could hear the cold cackle of the Great Milenko ringing in his ears. "I think the game is over." He waved his wand a piece of the wall tore off and Ash could tell from where they were that it was a great deal up.
Milenko grabbed Ash by the throat and lifted him up. Ash felt paralyzed in the grip of Milenko. "I think I shall kill you by my own hands rather than using my magic."
"Whatever rocks your-urk!" Ash's witty retort was abruptly ended as Milenko squeezed his throat harder to cut him off and walked over to where he had created the hole in the wall. He was getting closer and closer to the edge. Ash thought he was done for sure when he heard a familiar laugh and for the first time ever he was very glad to hear it.
"Huh?" Milenko turned around and saw ICP standing with Sarah.
J grinned, "Milenko…you old bastard yer lookin worse every time I see you!"
"Violent J…Shaggy 2 Dope…you're looking trashier by the day also," he noticed the girl. "And who's this? Another of your three cent backstage sluts perhaps?"
"Hey!" cried Sarah. "I am NOT some cheap backstage slut!"
"Of course not," replied Milenko in a condescending tone. He returned his attention to ICP. "So…I see you where able to escape. I should have guessed as much really considering how often your lazy asses where hanging around here. Tell you what, despite what Butterfly says and wants me to do we do go back a long ways so if you leave now…" he looked again at Sarah. "And leave the girl I promise to let you get out of my section of the Dark Carnival."
"That's a pretty good offer," mused J. Ash was finally up and reached for his shotgun but Milenko noticed this and blasted him with the wand. "Tell ya what…you take that offer…"
"Yes?"
"And shove it up yer ass!" J burst out laughing as did Shaggy. Sarah rolled her eyes.
Milenko frowned, "A pity…ah well your choice." He rose his magic wand and aimed it directly at ICP. "Goodbye clowns."
"You ain't doin shit to us!" boasted Shaggy.
"Oh? And what makes you so sure?"
"This!" replied J pulling out a playing card out of his shirt and holding it in the air as if it where the Stanley Cup. "Remember this?"
"Indeed I do."
"THIS is the jokers card which controls YOUR life force!"
"That's what happens when ya drink took much of ICP's special Faygo!" said Shaggy.
"Well then," said Milenko turning completely away from Ash and folding his arms. "Do what you have to do."
"Damn right!" J held the jokers card in the air and in one swift movement of his hands tore the card in two. J threw the torn card to the ground and stared at Milenko, expecting him to do something like turn into dust or explode. When nothing happened a sudden terrified anxiety came over J. "Wha-wha what the fuck happened?! You're supposed to be dead!"
Milenko sneered, "You didn't think I was stupid enough to actually let you HAVE the card that controls my life force did you?"
"Well…yeah."
"I'm going to enjoy this a great deal. No more interruptions now…" he slowly raised the arm holding the wand and aimed it at ICP.
"Hey Milenko," came a smug voice. "Behind you."
Great Milenko once again took his attention off ICP and turned to see Ash with his shotgun dead on with Milenko. Before Milenko could do anything, Ash blasted his hand off sending the wand flying to the ground. Great Milenko clutched the bloody stump where his hand used to be and looked up into the collected face of Ash with horror in his eyes. "No! I-"
"No more talking for you." Ash pulled the trigger and began firing off round after round. Milenko took every bullet and stumbled farther back with each shot until he fell out through the hole in the wall he had created earlier. Ash walked over to watch him fall and at that moment got a better idea of how far up they where as Milenko was still falling and finally disappeared from view. Ash turned back to ICP. "Is there any chance he'll survive that fall?"
"Nah…without the wand he's just some weak ass old man. He's dead."
"Anyone have an idea as to how we're going to get back down when we're god knows how many stories up?" asked Sarah. Sarah shook her head and sighed when no response came from anyone. She looked down at the wand. "Why don't we-"
"Use the wand?" asked Ash the moment it hit him.
"No actually I was going to ask if we can all have hot group sex."
"Really?' asked both members of ICP in hopeful unison.
"No."
"Awwww."
Ash ignored all of them and picked up the wand studying it carefully. "So, how do I get this thing to work?"
"It responds to yer thoughts."
"Oh…" Ash held up the wand and as soon as he tried to translate a thought into the wand, it crackled and promptly exploded.
"I forget… why the hell do I listen to you stupid clowns?" asked Ash walking down the first of 4000 flights of stairs.
"Cause we're smart!" replied Shaggy as if it was a blatant and undeniable fact.
"Right…how stupid of me," Ash rolled his eyes and began the second set of stairs.
"Are you SURE there isn't an elevator in this entire palace?" asked Sarah.
"Yeah…that was one of Milenko's strategies…by the time they made it up the stairs they'd be too tired to fight and they'd be easy pickins for Milenko."
"What a strategist."
"Wait a minute!" cried Violent J. "I've got something that'll make this lame ass walk down the stairs a thousand times better!"
"I can hardly contain myself," muttered Ash.
At the bottom of the stairs several hours later…
"I guess I have to admire his endurance," commented Sarah to Ash.
Ash watched Violent J wearily. "Or not."
Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope as well for that matter would have heard Ash and Sarah had they not been deeply absorbed in the slinky J had introduced as a way to make the "lame ass walk down the stairs a thousand times better. "Everyone loves a slinky!" sang Violent J horribly off key.
"You gotta get your slinky!" piped in Shaggy also off key.
"Slinky!"
"Slinky!"
"You gotta get a-" he stood back and paused with Shaggy for the big finish the second before the slinky completed its journey.
"SLINNNKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
ICP looked down and waited for the slinky to finish it's mystical journey but to their intense frustration and anger it stopped on the last step and did not go any farther.
"Son of a bitch!!!" screamed Shaggy. "Slinky's dead!" The look on his face was of a child that looked to be on the verge of either a temper tantrum or a crying fit.
Violent J appeared to be sharing Shaggy's anger but handled the threat with a much calmer demeanor. "Oh well…let's just go again." J reached down to pick up the slinky but jumped back when a bullet blasted it into a million much smaller and quite useless slinkys.
"Let's not and say we did," replied Ash spinning his shotgun around and putting it back into the holster behind his back. "Let's move on."
"Sounds good to me," agreed Sarah following Ash to the exit of the late Great Milenko's palace.
"Kill joy," grumbled J trailing behind with Shaggy.