My name is...My name is...My name is...
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX
EPISODE 16: JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THIS NEVER HAPPENED (BY WALT CHIMERA)
(A Sailor Moon / Popeye crossover. Yep...Sailor Moon...and Popeye...You heard right. Sailor Moon and Popeye together. Lets let that sink in for a while...)
But before we go on, here are some:
Disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.
"Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened" belongs to Walt Chimera and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.
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SATELLITE OF LOVE
(Tuxedo Alex walks out, setting one of the Satellite's many clocks. Tom and Crow are in the background, helping Falcon Knight configure the internal clock in the Satellite's computer. Sailor Silver Knight is working on several clocks in the hallway, and hasn't arrived yet.)
TUXEDO: Hi, everyone! Welcome back to the SOL. If you've checked with us last week, you probably saw that we weren't here. Well, we were somehow pulled out of our space-time continuum and onto another planet filled with natural wonders and unlimited bliss.
FALCON: (From the back) So naturally, we couldn't stay!
TUXEDO: Right. We trained with several chapters of "Evil Guy From Another Dimension" to get ourselves ready for the more difficult fanfics out there. But enough about that. Right now, we're going to test the ship if it's ready for the next millennium bug.
TOM: Yeah, Y2K was such a big let down. So we're gonna see if anything happens to us when Y3K hits!
CROW: It's gonna be pandemonium!
FALCON: Okay guys, all I have t do is set the date, now?
TOM: Yeah, just press that button there. (Sighs) What do you think'll happen to the ship?
CROW: Maybe the cheese compressor will go offline and spray the entire ship!
TOM: Or maybe the theater will blow!
CROW: Or maybe Silver's lock on her room'll go offline, leaving us unbridled access to...
(As Crow is talking, Silver Knight is just walking through the door. Not wasting any time, she prepares her attack.)
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD!
(Crow gets pelted with hundreds of energy stars.)
CROW: YAAAARGHH! Oh, um, hi Silver! Didn't know you came in!
S.KNIGHT: Hentai baka! (Turns to Alex) Okay, I turned all the clocks in the hall to just before midnight.
FALCON: 2997, 2998...2999! There, all set!
TUXEDO: Cool, that means we can begin the test. Everyone ready?
TOM: All set over here!
FALCON: Us, too!
TUXEDO: Okay, starting the clocks...midnight in 3...2...1...
(The entire ship flashes in a white light in a brief instant, and a large paper cutout of Genma Saotome in panda form rises from a gap in the floor. A crude recording device is attached to it.)
RECORDING: Con-grad-u-lations on reach-ing the year thr-thre-three-thousand! For liv-living this lo-o-o-ong, please accept this sal-sa foun-ta-ta-tain as our gift-t-t-t-t-t-t to you!
(The Genma cutout disappears, and large fish appears in the middle of the room. As the recording suggested, it starts to spray spicy salsa from its mouth, covering one of the near-by walls. The heroes and the Bots just stare at the abomination for a moment or so.)
TOM: This...this is what we get for Y3K?
FALCON: Apparently the Mads were on a drinking binge when they came up with this.
S.KNIGHT: You think there's any way to stop it?
CROW: I know a way!
(Crow goes to the fish fountain, mouth open wide, and starts to swallow the sprayed salsa.)
TUXEDO: We'll, um...be right back... (He reaches over for the button, still gazing at the monstrosity, and manages to press it.)
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BACK ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
(The fish statue is still spraying the salsa as Crow is happily eating all of it. The heroes are busy cleaning up whatever hit the wall as Tom is monitoring any calls from the outside.)
FALCON: (Scrubbing furiously) So I guess this means that Armageddon really does happen at Y3K?
TUXEDO: Apparently. Geez, what the hell was Forrester thinking?
S.KNIGHT: Lets just get this crud cleaned up, or we'll be up to our knees in salsa!
TOM: If that's the case, I'm breaking out the tortilla chips.
(The communications light flashes.)
TOM: Hey Tuxy! We got Touga and Saionji on the line!
TUXEDO: Put 'em through. And don't call me Tuxy.
CROW: *Slurp* *Gulp* This is good! *Slurp*
(Tom hovers over the communications button and floats down on it, activating the hex field. What they see is as equally confusing as what they are experiencing now. Doctor Forrester is surrounded by several clones of TV's Frank, with each one doing separate tasks.)
DR. F.: Okay Frank VI, you take out the trash. Frank III, I want you to walk Ralph the Monkey-Spider. Frank V, why don't you...(Turns to face the camera.) Oh, hi Boobies and Boobette! I just got caught up in giving my servants new orders...what are you doing?
TUXEDO: Cleaning. What does it look like?
FALCON: Forrester, you retarded piece of (BLEEP)! What the (BLEEP) were you mother(BLEEP)ers thinking when you installed this (BLEEPING)ing Salsa-(BLEEP)ing-Fountain?!?!
S.KNIGHT: Language, Adam...
FALCON: Sorry...
DR. F.: (Somewhat surprised.) The fountain activated all ready?
TOM: We were conducting a Y3K test, and...
DR. F.: Oh, so that explains it! You see, lab monkeys, I've installed little surprises for every time you enter a new millennium on the Satellite. I just did it for fun, because I knew whoever was up there wouldn't live to them. But now you're screwing around with the clock, I can sit back and laugh my ass off! HAHAHAHA!
S.KNIGHT: Yeah. Real funny. Want to tell us how to turn it off?
CROW: *Slurp* *Smack* *Gulp*
DR. F.: Now why would I want to deprive your robot friend of all the salsa he can eat?
TUXEDO: Figures. So, what did you do to Frank this time?
DR. F.: Don't call the ASPCA for cruelty to animals this time, Cape-Boy. All I did was use my new cloning gun to create new servants for me to boss around. They don't eat, they don't sleep, they don't...make waste, and the best thing is that...
FRANK IV: Here's your soup, Doc. (The Frank clone places a bowl of tomato soup in front of the mad doctor.)
DR. F.: Excuse me. (Turns to the clone.) Thank you, Frank IV. (Tasting the soup, he suddenly goes into a coughing and gagging fit.) Gaahhh! Ugh! *cough* Hey, there's a hair in my *cough* soup!
(Pulling a machine out of his lab jacket, Forrester presses a button. Frank IV disappears into nothingness instantly.)
DR. F.: There. As I was saying, the best thing is that they're disposable!
FALCON: You are one sick SOB today, you know that?
DR. F.: Always. Now as for your fanfic, assuming you get your "situation" under control, is a little G-rated crossover entitled "Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened". Aptly titled for it's convenient plot twist at the end. And after our little altercation last week, lets hope it takes your sanity, shines it up real nice, turns that son-(BLEEP) sideways, and sticks it straight up your bobbie-asses! Frank, send them the artistic triumph!
FRANK CLONES: Yes sir!
(All the Franks, from I to XV, all race towards the Fanfic Scanner, but manage to collide into one another, knocking each other unconscious. Dr. Forrester just sighs and cuts off the feed.)
TOM: Did he say CROSSOVER?!?
TUXEDO: Stay frosty, Tom. We don't even know who is crossing over.
CROW: *Gulp* *Suck* *Slurp*
FALCON: But what do we do about the fountain?
S.KNIGHT: Alex, I believe you hold the honors this time?
TUXEDO: Why thank you my dear. YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!
(Instinctively, Crow cowers in fear as Alex shoots forward his deadly barrage of fauna. The roses hit the fountain, blowing it completely off its base. Pieces of the stone fish fly around the room, with a huge stream of salsa streaming upward.)
CROW: Hey! *Burp* What'd you do that for?
TUXEDO: It's my job. Hey Gypsy?
(Gypsy enters the room.)
GYPSY: Yes, Tuxedo?
TUXEDO: Do you mind taking care of this little "problem" while we're in the theater?
GYPSY: (Surveying the area) Hmmm, I can't promise much, but I'll see what I can do.
(The klaxons and lights blaze around the theater.)
TUXEDO: And you're gonna have to do it fast, because we have FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!
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THEATER
CROW: Ugh. I think I got a stomach ache.
TOM: Serves you right from eating all that salsa!
S.KNIGHT: Crow, you're a robot. How do you know what a stomach ache feels like?
CROW: Can I plead the fifth?
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh)
Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened
TOM: Believe me, I already wish that it hadn't!
By Walt Chimera
A figure lurked in the shadows
FALCON: Taking pictures of the Senshi in their "dressing chambers"!
TUXEDO: That would be you, right?
FALCON: ...Shut up. Just shut up.
as the Sailor Scouts bravely fought their latest adversary. He watched the battle quietly from a distance.
CROW (Figure): Come on, Sailor Mars. Jump! Jump and jiggle! JUMP!
S.KNIGHT: Crow...
It was not going well for the girls. The demon was a giant flying Swiss Army knife from the Negaverse,
TUXEDO: But aren't the Swiss neutral?
CROW: The Negaverse has a lot of control over their world leaders, I guess.
flicking out it various appendages in threatening ways at them.
TOM (Swiss Knife): Magnifying Glass SUN BURN!
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Bottle Opener CORK PULL!
S.KNIGHT (Swiss Knife): AWL POINTED PINCER!
CROW (Swiss Knife): Phillips Head SCREW DRIVE!
TUXEDO (Swiss Knife): Mini Scissors SUPER SLICE!
It clicked a grenade launcher into place, and let fly at the group.
S.KNIGHT: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to launch the grenades, and not the actual launcher?
The ensuing explosion hurled screaming sailors in all directions.
FALCON: Hey, if it sends the Senshi running away screaming, I'd take it.
Turning to face Sailor Moon, it whipped out
BOTS: (Coughing)
TUXEDO: Don't even try it.
something with a laser sight on it.
BOTS: (More coughing)
S.KNIGHT: Hey, give it a rest!
CROW: It's not my fault we've seen those types of things before!
TOM: Yeah, TigerBot did a feature article on it a couple months back!
S.KNIGHT: ...I dare not ask...
A red dot appeared right between her eyes.
FALCON: It's time for "Sing Along With Sailor Moon"!
ALL (Singing): Gomen ne sunao ja nakute, yume no naka nara ieru...
"YIKES!" she screamed, diving out of the way as a hail of bullets cut through the air where her head had just been a second ago.
CROW: Holy crap! They blew Sailor Moon's head clear off her shoulders!
TUXEDO: Tom, she dove out of the way.
CROW: I know, but I like it better my way.
TUXEDO: (Sigh)
"Isn't it way past time for Tuxedo Mask to show up?"
TOM (Director): Sorry Sailor Moon, we forgot to cue the rose and fanfare. Damn new production truck.
***
FALCON: As the bullets keep cutting through the air, creating a huge gash in the space/time continuum...
In a parallel universe, the one where the Moon Scepter is kept and all of the Sailor Scout uniforms wait
on hangers until they are summoned,
ALL: 0_o
TOM: Come again?
FALCON: Did we just read that?
S.KNIGHT: All I want to know is if it comes with a dry cleaning service.
Tuxedo Mask had somehow blundered into his "special rose" garden
CROW (Barry White): The one's filled with "looooooooooooove..."
TUXEDO: Stop there.
in full costume. His hat, cape, and tux were hoplessly entangled in all the thorns. He valiantly struggled to escape, but it was to no avail.
FALCON: He somehow managed to remove his costume and leave the dimension in his boxers, which horribly surprised the Senshi when he came to save them.
S.KNIGHT: Darien? In boxers? (Begins to swoon)
TOM: Aw, man!
TUXEDO: Now you've gone and done it!
FALCON: What did I do...oh, whoops!
"Hang on, Sailor Moon! I'm coming!"
CROW: Hey, I thought this was G-rated!
S.KNIGHT: (Breaks out of her dream state.) WHAT did you say?!?!?
CROW: Nothing...nothing...
Yeah, right.
CROW: Damn, the fanfic blew my cover!
OTHERS: (Start to snicker)
***
FALCON: Still cutting! Nothing out lasts the Air Cutting Bullets! They keep cutting, and cutting, and cutting...
"Mars Celestial Fire SURROUND!" Raye sent her attack at the giant knife. It dodged, and flicked out a
fire hose, washing her a dozen yards away.
TUXEDO: The knife then flicked out a dry-cleaning attachment to dry, clean, and press her a dozen yards away.
"Oh, no!" gasped Mina, directing her Love Chain to encircle the evil knife.
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Venus): Okay, Love Chain! Go that way!...No, to the left! THE LEFT!
TOM (Love Chain): Shut up! I got better things to do!
Hundreds of tiny little cupids, with bows and arrows, clicked into place along the knife's surface. Each
one fired an arrow through each link in Mina's chain, causing it to transform into the Hate Chain, which turned on Mina and began chasing her.
CROW: Cupids turning love into hate?
FALCON: Geez, they must've gone into a new line of work.
Amy tried to blast it with her bubbles. Something that looked like a fast-moving arm with a large needle popped them all.
ALL (Muted Trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
Then a vacuum cleaner attachment came out and sucked in all the freezon each bubble released.
TUXEDO: The knife, soon realizing that Mercury's bubbles were made of WATER and ICE, was screwed.
FALCON: (Sigh) Always the perfectionist, eh Tuxy?
TUXEDO: Naturally. And don't call me Tuxy.
To Amy's surprise, instead of returning the attack, the demon released what looked like a large
transparent frisbee.
CROW: So, it returned Sailor Moon's tiara instead?
S.KNIGHT: When did she throw it?
CROW: Details, details...
It hovered in the air, doing something.
TOM: You know...something...nothing really, just...something...
Before she realized what, Amy was on fire!
(Tuxedo Alex' eye starts to twitch, which leads into huge sobbing and convulsions.)
TUXEDO: NO!!! NOT AGAIN! Amy...Amy's on...on FIRE!!! (Buries his head in his hands.)
TOM: Crap. He's having "Isobel" flashbacks again.
FALCON: Isobel? Who's she?
S.KNIGHT: We'll explain later. (Turns to Alex, putting an arm around him.) Alex, sweetie, it's just a fanfic...
TUXEDO: Burning...BURNING!!!
S.KNIGHT: ALEX!
TUXEDO: (Suddenly snapping back into reality.) Uh...(ahem). Sorry, Michelle...everyone. That scene still gives me nightmares.
S.KNIGHT: It's okay, Alex. (Gives him a quick peck on the cheek.)
CROW: Hey, get a room you two!
(Both heroes give Crow a menacing look. He backs off, and the fanfic is continued.)
The lens was focusing the sun's rays on her. Mercury, too, was forced to run,
FALCON: "Mercury too"? She's the only one being attacked!
or else be roasted on the spot where she stood. But the lens kept tracking her.
CROW: So Sailor Moon's tiara stole Amy's computer as well?
TOM: This is one pissed off neutral-country tool!
Two different arms clicked out from each side of the knife as it turned to face Lita. The arms positioned themselves akimbo, while a leg with a shoe on it clicked out from underneath and began to tap the
ground with its toe, impatietly waiting for her to try something.
S.KNIGHT (Swiss Knife): Hey, story? Little help? Could you put something interesting in?
Lita looked around and saw that she was the only one left standing, so she began to chuckle nervously
and back away. "I..uh...think I'll just take a little walk right now, if you don't mind..."
TUXEDO (Swiss Knife): Oh, no. Go right ahead. I'll be standing right here when you come back.
CROW (Swiss Knife): Granted I'll have destroyed all of Japan and have sent Europe sinking into the ocean, but I'll be standing right here!
The knife just spat out a wooden chair.
ALL: (Make loogy-hocking sounds.)
One with leg straps and arm straps and a metal helmet over the seat which had wires leading back to the knife. It grabbed Lita and started strapping her in.
FALCON: This is some weird-ass form of bondage.
TUXEDO: Adam...
***
TOM: As the bullets cut through western Los Angeles...
"That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more," said the figure in the shadows, whipping out a green tin can and holding it up into the air. "Spinnachk Power!"
ALL: @_@
FALCON: No...it can't be...
S.KNIGHT: It's a crossover between...
CROW: Sailor Moon and...and...
TUXEDO: POPEYE?!?!?!?
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OO-oOoooo-NNNNOOOonnnooO-___----__--...
(Tom's head explodes, sending 3 Musketeers bars everywhere.)
TUXEDO: Okay, nobody panic. Falcon, hand me another head. Crow, for the love of SERENITY lay off the hentai jokes. As for the rest, pray to whatever higher power you believe in. This is gonna get ugly...
He squeezed the can until the top popped off, then he emptied the contents into his mouth. Two chews
and a gulp later,
S.KNIGHT: His face turned a nice shade of blue and choked to death. The End.
FALCON: (While searching a box under his seat for a new Tom head.) So, what's on Saturday Anime?
a wave of transformation enveloped his body, accompanied by the usual trumpet fanfare.
CROW: Is it just me, or are there steroids in that crap he eats?
TUXEDO: To be honest, I'm leaning towards agreeing with you on that one.
***
Lita was visibly sweating as the metal helmet was brought down upon her head.
FALCON: (Finds a new Tom head and hands it to Alex.) Okay, Sailor Jupiter does the "Supreme Thunder" move, sending shocks through all the wires and stuff, destroying the monster!
TUXEDO: (Takes the head, starts to attach it on Tom's body.) We can only hope.
A digital timer on the knife had begun to count down from ten seconds. The knife had offered her a blindfold, but she refused it.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Blindfold?
S.KNIGHT (Lita): No.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Cigarette?
S.KNIGHT (Lita): No.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): What do you want on your Tombstone?
S.KNIGHT (Lita): Pepperoni and Sausage.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): One Tombstone Pizza over here!
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a rather beefy fist attached to a lightning bolt punched the knife in its midsection, causing loose springs to come flying out of it.
CROW: The springs changed to summers, then autumns, then winters, then came back and froze the knife and Popeye to death.
OTHERS: ...
TOM: (Going back online.) Stick to the hentai jokes.
S.KNIGHT: Let's not and say we did.
The demon exploded, raining debris that came down in the form of a table, tablecloth, dishes and
silverware that all fell into proper place, complete with a roasted turkey as centerpiece.
TUXEDO: What? No fancy final attack? No monster shouting their final cry as they become normal again? No thank you for saving the day?
FALCON: Apparently not, but now I'm hungry.
TUXEDO: You're not helping any.
The flying fist continued on to the lens that was pestering Amy and smashed it.
S.KNIGHT: The Moon Tiara! No!
It then took hold of the Hate Chain that was after Mina, and twisted it into a large blow drier which
dried Raye off in no time.
TOM: Then twisted it into a press machine to press her!
CROW: It's been done already.
The fist then reassumed human form among them.
FALCON: If you mean a monstrous steroid-ridden piece of flesh as human, that is.
The girls gathered around him in astonishment.
ALL (Sailor Senshi): What the (BLEEP) is going on?!?
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!
"Gee, thanks, mister," said Sailor Moon, her pupils turning into little hearts. "We needed help big time. What's your name?"
"I'm Popeye the Sailor Man," said the stranger.
(The entire group convulses, groans, utter extreme curses, and / or vomit at the extremely bad joke.)
"I punishks all evildoers, espeshkally them's that beats up on female goils of the oppozik sexsk."
CROW (Popeye): Includingk goils with eksteamly longk legsk. Uk uk uk uk uk!
TUXEDO: Well, it worked for Olive Oil...
FALCON: Wait...girls of the opposite sex? Since when are there two female genders?
S.KNIGHT: There's lots of things men don't know about us!
FALCON: ...I'm afraid now.
S.KNIGHT: (Laughs maniacally)
"Nooo! Get outa town! A Sailor MAN?" asked Sailor Moon.
"Sure! Ya thinks just anybody can eatsk spinnachk and do what I do? I gets me powers from the planet
Man."
TOM: Okay, if I think about how they reproduce, my head is gonna blow again.
TUXEDO: Good move.
"Wait a minute," interrupted Mercury. "There is no planet called Man in the solar system!"
"Well, not any more," said Popeye.
S.KNIGHT: Well, when Popeye goes for one of his Spinach Binges, who knows where he'll go, or what he'll do...
"That's 'cause it blew up a long time ago. Nuttin' left but a asteroids belt now. Ohhh."
"Cheer up, Popeye," said Mina. "For whatever it's worth, all the other planets are lifeless now, too."
FALCON: You know a planet is lifeless when it gets its own Jerry Springer clone.
"I know. But it's home, and it still brinks a tear to me eye. Oh, well. Ya gots room for one more member
on your team?"
TOM (Bluto): Hey, ya runt! I'm gonna be on the team!
TUXEDO (Popeye): Says who?
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Moon): Says me! Go home!
"Sure!" said Raye. "That good-for-nothing Tuxedo Mask stood us up just when we needed him most. We
could use somebody like you."
CROW (Raye): To be our "slave"...
TUXEDO: Crow!
"And I think you're a hunk," said Sailor Moon, taking one of his ham-shaped arms in hers.
S.KNIGHT: And running away with it!
TUXEDO (Popeye): Hey! Dat's me fistin' arm!
FALCON: ...Buddy, you do not know how wrong that sounded!
TUXEDO: Ugh...
Popeye blushed. "Aw, shucks. And you're way cuter than me last goilfriend."
TOM (Popeye): You're leggsk 'r even longa! Uk uk uk uk uk!
S.KNIGHT: Tom...
Raye's mouth dropped open. "Serena! You've got to be kidding. He's got to be over twice your age!"
"Wake up and live in the nineties!" said Popeye and Serena at the same time.
CROW: It's 2000. Get over yourself.
Then they smiled at one another and kissed.
Raye, Amy, and Mina got a little disgusted and went home.
FALCON: Tom, Crow, Tuxedo Alex, Silver Knight, and Falcon Knight got a little sick and left the theater.
S.KNIGHT: Good idea.
(Dr. Forrester is heard over the P.A. system)
DR. F.: There's more to it. You stay. Besides, I'm not cleaning that mess up!
***
S.KNIGHT: As the bullets cut through the Empire State Building in New York...
Then a rose flew through the air and stuck into the ground.
CROW: About damn time, Cape-boy! Where were ya?
TUXEDO (Mask): An author's plot contrivance. What else is new?
"Unhand that young girl, you old pervert!" Tuxedo Mask stood before the lovers with his clothes in
shreds, looking like an absolute disgrace.
"You!" said Sailor Moon. "Look at you!
S.KNIGHT: Okay! (Starts to swoon again.)
OTHERS: SILVER!
S.KNIGHT: (Snaps out of it.) Whoops, got carried away...
You're a mess! And where have you been? Why don't you get lost, you loser!"
"Serena! I don't know what kind of spell this old pervert has put over you, but you're coming with me!" Tuxedo Mask tried to take her
CROW: In the middle of the road?
FALCON: In front of her new boyfriend, no less?
by the arm.
CROW & FALCON: Oh.
Popeye set his right fist spinning like a propeller, punching Tuxedo Mask under his jaw and sending him flying off to somewhere on the other side of the world.
TOM: Hey, he passed by those cutting bullets!
"Uk-uk-uk-uk-uk!" laughed Popeye. "Now where was we?"
The two of them strolled off together.
TUXEDO: ...into a really big volcano, turning them into a molten mess! The End.
S.KNIGHT: That was random.
CROW: Indeed.
***
FALCON: As the bullets cut through the Eiffel Tower in France...
"Uh, guys? Somebody? Anybody? Could somebody please get me out of this thing?" cried Lita, still
strapped to the chair.
TOM: Here we go again...
ALL (Muted trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah...
***
TUXEDO: As the bullets cut back to their original target and slice off Popeye's head!
CROW: (To the others) I'm starting to worry about him.
S.KNIGHT: He's feeling the after-effects of the Amy scene.
Popeye and Serena sat on a park bench, necking, when a child fell out of the sky onto Serena's head.
This strange kid had a hairstyle like Serena's, but facial features like Popeye's, and brought along a floating creature that kept saying something like "jeep." The kid's name was Swipi...
But that's another story...
ALL: (@)_(@)
(Complete silence...and then...)
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!
S.KNIGHT: That is just not right!
CROW: Completely sick!
(Tom's head explodes again, showering more 3 Musketeers bars around the theater.)
FALCON: Man, Tom went off again!
TUXEDO: Who can blame him? (Sigh) Carry him out of the theater, guys. Nothing more to see here.
CROW: Amen.
(All exit the theater.)
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BACK ON THE SOL
(The heroes and the Bots walk back into the rumpus room, and it looks completely spotless. Gypsy is in the corner wit a mop, broom, and water bucket visible, panting heavily. Falcon Knight gets busy attaching Tom's new head.)
S.KNIGHT: Wow, Gypsy! I gotta hand it to you! The place looks spotless!
GYPSY: *Pant* I did *Pant* the best *Pant* I could. *Pant*
TUXEDO: Well Gypsy, old girl, I think you've earned yourself the rest of the day off.
GYPSY: Really?
CROW: Well, keep Life Support and Power going, but other than that, go nuts!
GYPSY: Wow, thanks! (She exits)
FALCON: Well, I got Tom's new head back on.
TOM: Yeah, sorry I went off like that...hey, why does the clock say 3999 as the year?
TUXEDO: What? (He checks the clock very quickly.) Oh no, the clock says it's almost midnight!
FALCON: I didn't do it!
S.KNIGHT: Or me!
TOM: Me either!
(Everyone in the room takes a suspicious look at Crow.)
CROW: Well, I kinda wanted to do a Y4K test, and...
(Suddenly, the Genma cutout reappears from the floor, with another crude recording.)
RECORDING: Con-on-on-ongradulations-s-s-s-s on reaching the-e-e-e-e year fo-fo-four thousand-and-and! For li-i-iving this long, please accept this-is-is Chee-e-e-ese Fountain-ain as a gift-t-t-t-t. Enjoy!
FALCON: Oh, no.
TOM: And we gave Gypsy the day off!
CROW: Oh boy! Cheese!
S.KNIGHT: Damn you Crow! (Sigh) Here we go again.
TUXEDO: Maybe we can check with the Doc and see how to disable it. (Presses the communications button.) Hey, Doc?
@@@@@
DEEP 13 1/3
(Dr. Forrester, and the original TV's Frank, are surrounded by the Frank clones. This time, however, each one looks like they're about to attack, and carrying a menacing object.)
DR. F.: Can't talk to you know, weasels. The clones have just declared mutiny on us!
CLONES: FOR FRANKDOME!
DR. F.: And they took my remote to dispose of them!
FRANK: Come on, guys! It's me, the original! Can't we all be friends?
CLONES: Oh, no! We're not falling for that!
DR. F.: Then you wouldn't mind if he just pushes the button.
FRANK: Yeah, let me push the button!
CLONES: Oh, no! We're pushing the button!
(The clones all run at the same time to the button, but once again manage to collide into each other and fall to the ground.)
DR. F.: (Snickers) They may be superior to the original, but not in intelligence. (He calmly steps over the bodies and pushes the button.)
@@@@@
Authors Notes
Well, after an unexpected sabbatical, I've returned to the MSTing forum! I took a temporary leave of absence to complete my high school transcripts and college applications. But the good news is that I've gotten accepted into college! Can't say which one I'm going to, though. I've gotten two acceptances so far, and I'll make a choice soon. Anyway, hopefully I'll pump out more of these MSTs regularly. (Boy, does that sound familiar.) And maybe I'll update my website for a second time! (Pauses to laugh at himself.) Well, see you next time!
@@@@@
More Disclaimers
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)
Stinger: "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man," said the stranger.
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX
EPISODE 16: JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THIS NEVER HAPPENED (BY WALT CHIMERA)
(A Sailor Moon / Popeye crossover. Yep...Sailor Moon...and Popeye...You heard right. Sailor Moon and Popeye together. Lets let that sink in for a while...)
But before we go on, here are some:
Disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.
"Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened" belongs to Walt Chimera and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.
@@@@@
SATELLITE OF LOVE
(Tuxedo Alex walks out, setting one of the Satellite's many clocks. Tom and Crow are in the background, helping Falcon Knight configure the internal clock in the Satellite's computer. Sailor Silver Knight is working on several clocks in the hallway, and hasn't arrived yet.)
TUXEDO: Hi, everyone! Welcome back to the SOL. If you've checked with us last week, you probably saw that we weren't here. Well, we were somehow pulled out of our space-time continuum and onto another planet filled with natural wonders and unlimited bliss.
FALCON: (From the back) So naturally, we couldn't stay!
TUXEDO: Right. We trained with several chapters of "Evil Guy From Another Dimension" to get ourselves ready for the more difficult fanfics out there. But enough about that. Right now, we're going to test the ship if it's ready for the next millennium bug.
TOM: Yeah, Y2K was such a big let down. So we're gonna see if anything happens to us when Y3K hits!
CROW: It's gonna be pandemonium!
FALCON: Okay guys, all I have t do is set the date, now?
TOM: Yeah, just press that button there. (Sighs) What do you think'll happen to the ship?
CROW: Maybe the cheese compressor will go offline and spray the entire ship!
TOM: Or maybe the theater will blow!
CROW: Or maybe Silver's lock on her room'll go offline, leaving us unbridled access to...
(As Crow is talking, Silver Knight is just walking through the door. Not wasting any time, she prepares her attack.)
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR FLOOD!
(Crow gets pelted with hundreds of energy stars.)
CROW: YAAAARGHH! Oh, um, hi Silver! Didn't know you came in!
S.KNIGHT: Hentai baka! (Turns to Alex) Okay, I turned all the clocks in the hall to just before midnight.
FALCON: 2997, 2998...2999! There, all set!
TUXEDO: Cool, that means we can begin the test. Everyone ready?
TOM: All set over here!
FALCON: Us, too!
TUXEDO: Okay, starting the clocks...midnight in 3...2...1...
(The entire ship flashes in a white light in a brief instant, and a large paper cutout of Genma Saotome in panda form rises from a gap in the floor. A crude recording device is attached to it.)
RECORDING: Con-grad-u-lations on reach-ing the year thr-thre-three-thousand! For liv-living this lo-o-o-ong, please accept this sal-sa foun-ta-ta-tain as our gift-t-t-t-t-t-t to you!
(The Genma cutout disappears, and large fish appears in the middle of the room. As the recording suggested, it starts to spray spicy salsa from its mouth, covering one of the near-by walls. The heroes and the Bots just stare at the abomination for a moment or so.)
TOM: This...this is what we get for Y3K?
FALCON: Apparently the Mads were on a drinking binge when they came up with this.
S.KNIGHT: You think there's any way to stop it?
CROW: I know a way!
(Crow goes to the fish fountain, mouth open wide, and starts to swallow the sprayed salsa.)
TUXEDO: We'll, um...be right back... (He reaches over for the button, still gazing at the monstrosity, and manages to press it.)
@@@@@
BACK ON THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
(The fish statue is still spraying the salsa as Crow is happily eating all of it. The heroes are busy cleaning up whatever hit the wall as Tom is monitoring any calls from the outside.)
FALCON: (Scrubbing furiously) So I guess this means that Armageddon really does happen at Y3K?
TUXEDO: Apparently. Geez, what the hell was Forrester thinking?
S.KNIGHT: Lets just get this crud cleaned up, or we'll be up to our knees in salsa!
TOM: If that's the case, I'm breaking out the tortilla chips.
(The communications light flashes.)
TOM: Hey Tuxy! We got Touga and Saionji on the line!
TUXEDO: Put 'em through. And don't call me Tuxy.
CROW: *Slurp* *Gulp* This is good! *Slurp*
(Tom hovers over the communications button and floats down on it, activating the hex field. What they see is as equally confusing as what they are experiencing now. Doctor Forrester is surrounded by several clones of TV's Frank, with each one doing separate tasks.)
DR. F.: Okay Frank VI, you take out the trash. Frank III, I want you to walk Ralph the Monkey-Spider. Frank V, why don't you...(Turns to face the camera.) Oh, hi Boobies and Boobette! I just got caught up in giving my servants new orders...what are you doing?
TUXEDO: Cleaning. What does it look like?
FALCON: Forrester, you retarded piece of (BLEEP)! What the (BLEEP) were you mother(BLEEP)ers thinking when you installed this (BLEEPING)ing Salsa-(BLEEP)ing-Fountain?!?!
S.KNIGHT: Language, Adam...
FALCON: Sorry...
DR. F.: (Somewhat surprised.) The fountain activated all ready?
TOM: We were conducting a Y3K test, and...
DR. F.: Oh, so that explains it! You see, lab monkeys, I've installed little surprises for every time you enter a new millennium on the Satellite. I just did it for fun, because I knew whoever was up there wouldn't live to them. But now you're screwing around with the clock, I can sit back and laugh my ass off! HAHAHAHA!
S.KNIGHT: Yeah. Real funny. Want to tell us how to turn it off?
CROW: *Slurp* *Smack* *Gulp*
DR. F.: Now why would I want to deprive your robot friend of all the salsa he can eat?
TUXEDO: Figures. So, what did you do to Frank this time?
DR. F.: Don't call the ASPCA for cruelty to animals this time, Cape-Boy. All I did was use my new cloning gun to create new servants for me to boss around. They don't eat, they don't sleep, they don't...make waste, and the best thing is that...
FRANK IV: Here's your soup, Doc. (The Frank clone places a bowl of tomato soup in front of the mad doctor.)
DR. F.: Excuse me. (Turns to the clone.) Thank you, Frank IV. (Tasting the soup, he suddenly goes into a coughing and gagging fit.) Gaahhh! Ugh! *cough* Hey, there's a hair in my *cough* soup!
(Pulling a machine out of his lab jacket, Forrester presses a button. Frank IV disappears into nothingness instantly.)
DR. F.: There. As I was saying, the best thing is that they're disposable!
FALCON: You are one sick SOB today, you know that?
DR. F.: Always. Now as for your fanfic, assuming you get your "situation" under control, is a little G-rated crossover entitled "Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened". Aptly titled for it's convenient plot twist at the end. And after our little altercation last week, lets hope it takes your sanity, shines it up real nice, turns that son-(BLEEP) sideways, and sticks it straight up your bobbie-asses! Frank, send them the artistic triumph!
FRANK CLONES: Yes sir!
(All the Franks, from I to XV, all race towards the Fanfic Scanner, but manage to collide into one another, knocking each other unconscious. Dr. Forrester just sighs and cuts off the feed.)
TOM: Did he say CROSSOVER?!?
TUXEDO: Stay frosty, Tom. We don't even know who is crossing over.
CROW: *Gulp* *Suck* *Slurp*
FALCON: But what do we do about the fountain?
S.KNIGHT: Alex, I believe you hold the honors this time?
TUXEDO: Why thank you my dear. YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!
(Instinctively, Crow cowers in fear as Alex shoots forward his deadly barrage of fauna. The roses hit the fountain, blowing it completely off its base. Pieces of the stone fish fly around the room, with a huge stream of salsa streaming upward.)
CROW: Hey! *Burp* What'd you do that for?
TUXEDO: It's my job. Hey Gypsy?
(Gypsy enters the room.)
GYPSY: Yes, Tuxedo?
TUXEDO: Do you mind taking care of this little "problem" while we're in the theater?
GYPSY: (Surveying the area) Hmmm, I can't promise much, but I'll see what I can do.
(The klaxons and lights blaze around the theater.)
TUXEDO: And you're gonna have to do it fast, because we have FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!
@@@@@
(6)
(5)
(4)
(3)
(2)
(1)
THEATER
CROW: Ugh. I think I got a stomach ache.
TOM: Serves you right from eating all that salsa!
S.KNIGHT: Crow, you're a robot. How do you know what a stomach ache feels like?
CROW: Can I plead the fifth?
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh)
Just Keep Telling Yourself This Never Happened
TOM: Believe me, I already wish that it hadn't!
By Walt Chimera
A figure lurked in the shadows
FALCON: Taking pictures of the Senshi in their "dressing chambers"!
TUXEDO: That would be you, right?
FALCON: ...Shut up. Just shut up.
as the Sailor Scouts bravely fought their latest adversary. He watched the battle quietly from a distance.
CROW (Figure): Come on, Sailor Mars. Jump! Jump and jiggle! JUMP!
S.KNIGHT: Crow...
It was not going well for the girls. The demon was a giant flying Swiss Army knife from the Negaverse,
TUXEDO: But aren't the Swiss neutral?
CROW: The Negaverse has a lot of control over their world leaders, I guess.
flicking out it various appendages in threatening ways at them.
TOM (Swiss Knife): Magnifying Glass SUN BURN!
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Bottle Opener CORK PULL!
S.KNIGHT (Swiss Knife): AWL POINTED PINCER!
CROW (Swiss Knife): Phillips Head SCREW DRIVE!
TUXEDO (Swiss Knife): Mini Scissors SUPER SLICE!
It clicked a grenade launcher into place, and let fly at the group.
S.KNIGHT: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to launch the grenades, and not the actual launcher?
The ensuing explosion hurled screaming sailors in all directions.
FALCON: Hey, if it sends the Senshi running away screaming, I'd take it.
Turning to face Sailor Moon, it whipped out
BOTS: (Coughing)
TUXEDO: Don't even try it.
something with a laser sight on it.
BOTS: (More coughing)
S.KNIGHT: Hey, give it a rest!
CROW: It's not my fault we've seen those types of things before!
TOM: Yeah, TigerBot did a feature article on it a couple months back!
S.KNIGHT: ...I dare not ask...
A red dot appeared right between her eyes.
FALCON: It's time for "Sing Along With Sailor Moon"!
ALL (Singing): Gomen ne sunao ja nakute, yume no naka nara ieru...
"YIKES!" she screamed, diving out of the way as a hail of bullets cut through the air where her head had just been a second ago.
CROW: Holy crap! They blew Sailor Moon's head clear off her shoulders!
TUXEDO: Tom, she dove out of the way.
CROW: I know, but I like it better my way.
TUXEDO: (Sigh)
"Isn't it way past time for Tuxedo Mask to show up?"
TOM (Director): Sorry Sailor Moon, we forgot to cue the rose and fanfare. Damn new production truck.
***
FALCON: As the bullets keep cutting through the air, creating a huge gash in the space/time continuum...
In a parallel universe, the one where the Moon Scepter is kept and all of the Sailor Scout uniforms wait
on hangers until they are summoned,
ALL: 0_o
TOM: Come again?
FALCON: Did we just read that?
S.KNIGHT: All I want to know is if it comes with a dry cleaning service.
Tuxedo Mask had somehow blundered into his "special rose" garden
CROW (Barry White): The one's filled with "looooooooooooove..."
TUXEDO: Stop there.
in full costume. His hat, cape, and tux were hoplessly entangled in all the thorns. He valiantly struggled to escape, but it was to no avail.
FALCON: He somehow managed to remove his costume and leave the dimension in his boxers, which horribly surprised the Senshi when he came to save them.
S.KNIGHT: Darien? In boxers? (Begins to swoon)
TOM: Aw, man!
TUXEDO: Now you've gone and done it!
FALCON: What did I do...oh, whoops!
"Hang on, Sailor Moon! I'm coming!"
CROW: Hey, I thought this was G-rated!
S.KNIGHT: (Breaks out of her dream state.) WHAT did you say?!?!?
CROW: Nothing...nothing...
Yeah, right.
CROW: Damn, the fanfic blew my cover!
OTHERS: (Start to snicker)
***
FALCON: Still cutting! Nothing out lasts the Air Cutting Bullets! They keep cutting, and cutting, and cutting...
"Mars Celestial Fire SURROUND!" Raye sent her attack at the giant knife. It dodged, and flicked out a
fire hose, washing her a dozen yards away.
TUXEDO: The knife then flicked out a dry-cleaning attachment to dry, clean, and press her a dozen yards away.
"Oh, no!" gasped Mina, directing her Love Chain to encircle the evil knife.
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Venus): Okay, Love Chain! Go that way!...No, to the left! THE LEFT!
TOM (Love Chain): Shut up! I got better things to do!
Hundreds of tiny little cupids, with bows and arrows, clicked into place along the knife's surface. Each
one fired an arrow through each link in Mina's chain, causing it to transform into the Hate Chain, which turned on Mina and began chasing her.
CROW: Cupids turning love into hate?
FALCON: Geez, they must've gone into a new line of work.
Amy tried to blast it with her bubbles. Something that looked like a fast-moving arm with a large needle popped them all.
ALL (Muted Trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
Then a vacuum cleaner attachment came out and sucked in all the freezon each bubble released.
TUXEDO: The knife, soon realizing that Mercury's bubbles were made of WATER and ICE, was screwed.
FALCON: (Sigh) Always the perfectionist, eh Tuxy?
TUXEDO: Naturally. And don't call me Tuxy.
To Amy's surprise, instead of returning the attack, the demon released what looked like a large
transparent frisbee.
CROW: So, it returned Sailor Moon's tiara instead?
S.KNIGHT: When did she throw it?
CROW: Details, details...
It hovered in the air, doing something.
TOM: You know...something...nothing really, just...something...
Before she realized what, Amy was on fire!
(Tuxedo Alex' eye starts to twitch, which leads into huge sobbing and convulsions.)
TUXEDO: NO!!! NOT AGAIN! Amy...Amy's on...on FIRE!!! (Buries his head in his hands.)
TOM: Crap. He's having "Isobel" flashbacks again.
FALCON: Isobel? Who's she?
S.KNIGHT: We'll explain later. (Turns to Alex, putting an arm around him.) Alex, sweetie, it's just a fanfic...
TUXEDO: Burning...BURNING!!!
S.KNIGHT: ALEX!
TUXEDO: (Suddenly snapping back into reality.) Uh...(ahem). Sorry, Michelle...everyone. That scene still gives me nightmares.
S.KNIGHT: It's okay, Alex. (Gives him a quick peck on the cheek.)
CROW: Hey, get a room you two!
(Both heroes give Crow a menacing look. He backs off, and the fanfic is continued.)
The lens was focusing the sun's rays on her. Mercury, too, was forced to run,
FALCON: "Mercury too"? She's the only one being attacked!
or else be roasted on the spot where she stood. But the lens kept tracking her.
CROW: So Sailor Moon's tiara stole Amy's computer as well?
TOM: This is one pissed off neutral-country tool!
Two different arms clicked out from each side of the knife as it turned to face Lita. The arms positioned themselves akimbo, while a leg with a shoe on it clicked out from underneath and began to tap the
ground with its toe, impatietly waiting for her to try something.
S.KNIGHT (Swiss Knife): Hey, story? Little help? Could you put something interesting in?
Lita looked around and saw that she was the only one left standing, so she began to chuckle nervously
and back away. "I..uh...think I'll just take a little walk right now, if you don't mind..."
TUXEDO (Swiss Knife): Oh, no. Go right ahead. I'll be standing right here when you come back.
CROW (Swiss Knife): Granted I'll have destroyed all of Japan and have sent Europe sinking into the ocean, but I'll be standing right here!
The knife just spat out a wooden chair.
ALL: (Make loogy-hocking sounds.)
One with leg straps and arm straps and a metal helmet over the seat which had wires leading back to the knife. It grabbed Lita and started strapping her in.
FALCON: This is some weird-ass form of bondage.
TUXEDO: Adam...
***
TOM: As the bullets cut through western Los Angeles...
"That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more," said the figure in the shadows, whipping out a green tin can and holding it up into the air. "Spinnachk Power!"
ALL: @_@
FALCON: No...it can't be...
S.KNIGHT: It's a crossover between...
CROW: Sailor Moon and...and...
TUXEDO: POPEYE?!?!?!?
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OO-oOoooo-NNNNOOOonnnooO-___----__--...
(Tom's head explodes, sending 3 Musketeers bars everywhere.)
TUXEDO: Okay, nobody panic. Falcon, hand me another head. Crow, for the love of SERENITY lay off the hentai jokes. As for the rest, pray to whatever higher power you believe in. This is gonna get ugly...
He squeezed the can until the top popped off, then he emptied the contents into his mouth. Two chews
and a gulp later,
S.KNIGHT: His face turned a nice shade of blue and choked to death. The End.
FALCON: (While searching a box under his seat for a new Tom head.) So, what's on Saturday Anime?
a wave of transformation enveloped his body, accompanied by the usual trumpet fanfare.
CROW: Is it just me, or are there steroids in that crap he eats?
TUXEDO: To be honest, I'm leaning towards agreeing with you on that one.
***
Lita was visibly sweating as the metal helmet was brought down upon her head.
FALCON: (Finds a new Tom head and hands it to Alex.) Okay, Sailor Jupiter does the "Supreme Thunder" move, sending shocks through all the wires and stuff, destroying the monster!
TUXEDO: (Takes the head, starts to attach it on Tom's body.) We can only hope.
A digital timer on the knife had begun to count down from ten seconds. The knife had offered her a blindfold, but she refused it.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Blindfold?
S.KNIGHT (Lita): No.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): Cigarette?
S.KNIGHT (Lita): No.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): What do you want on your Tombstone?
S.KNIGHT (Lita): Pepperoni and Sausage.
FALCON (Swiss Knife): One Tombstone Pizza over here!
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a rather beefy fist attached to a lightning bolt punched the knife in its midsection, causing loose springs to come flying out of it.
CROW: The springs changed to summers, then autumns, then winters, then came back and froze the knife and Popeye to death.
OTHERS: ...
TOM: (Going back online.) Stick to the hentai jokes.
S.KNIGHT: Let's not and say we did.
The demon exploded, raining debris that came down in the form of a table, tablecloth, dishes and
silverware that all fell into proper place, complete with a roasted turkey as centerpiece.
TUXEDO: What? No fancy final attack? No monster shouting their final cry as they become normal again? No thank you for saving the day?
FALCON: Apparently not, but now I'm hungry.
TUXEDO: You're not helping any.
The flying fist continued on to the lens that was pestering Amy and smashed it.
S.KNIGHT: The Moon Tiara! No!
It then took hold of the Hate Chain that was after Mina, and twisted it into a large blow drier which
dried Raye off in no time.
TOM: Then twisted it into a press machine to press her!
CROW: It's been done already.
The fist then reassumed human form among them.
FALCON: If you mean a monstrous steroid-ridden piece of flesh as human, that is.
The girls gathered around him in astonishment.
ALL (Sailor Senshi): What the (BLEEP) is going on?!?
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!
"Gee, thanks, mister," said Sailor Moon, her pupils turning into little hearts. "We needed help big time. What's your name?"
"I'm Popeye the Sailor Man," said the stranger.
(The entire group convulses, groans, utter extreme curses, and / or vomit at the extremely bad joke.)
"I punishks all evildoers, espeshkally them's that beats up on female goils of the oppozik sexsk."
CROW (Popeye): Includingk goils with eksteamly longk legsk. Uk uk uk uk uk!
TUXEDO: Well, it worked for Olive Oil...
FALCON: Wait...girls of the opposite sex? Since when are there two female genders?
S.KNIGHT: There's lots of things men don't know about us!
FALCON: ...I'm afraid now.
S.KNIGHT: (Laughs maniacally)
"Nooo! Get outa town! A Sailor MAN?" asked Sailor Moon.
"Sure! Ya thinks just anybody can eatsk spinnachk and do what I do? I gets me powers from the planet
Man."
TOM: Okay, if I think about how they reproduce, my head is gonna blow again.
TUXEDO: Good move.
"Wait a minute," interrupted Mercury. "There is no planet called Man in the solar system!"
"Well, not any more," said Popeye.
S.KNIGHT: Well, when Popeye goes for one of his Spinach Binges, who knows where he'll go, or what he'll do...
"That's 'cause it blew up a long time ago. Nuttin' left but a asteroids belt now. Ohhh."
"Cheer up, Popeye," said Mina. "For whatever it's worth, all the other planets are lifeless now, too."
FALCON: You know a planet is lifeless when it gets its own Jerry Springer clone.
"I know. But it's home, and it still brinks a tear to me eye. Oh, well. Ya gots room for one more member
on your team?"
TOM (Bluto): Hey, ya runt! I'm gonna be on the team!
TUXEDO (Popeye): Says who?
S.KNIGHT (Sailor Moon): Says me! Go home!
"Sure!" said Raye. "That good-for-nothing Tuxedo Mask stood us up just when we needed him most. We
could use somebody like you."
CROW (Raye): To be our "slave"...
TUXEDO: Crow!
"And I think you're a hunk," said Sailor Moon, taking one of his ham-shaped arms in hers.
S.KNIGHT: And running away with it!
TUXEDO (Popeye): Hey! Dat's me fistin' arm!
FALCON: ...Buddy, you do not know how wrong that sounded!
TUXEDO: Ugh...
Popeye blushed. "Aw, shucks. And you're way cuter than me last goilfriend."
TOM (Popeye): You're leggsk 'r even longa! Uk uk uk uk uk!
S.KNIGHT: Tom...
Raye's mouth dropped open. "Serena! You've got to be kidding. He's got to be over twice your age!"
"Wake up and live in the nineties!" said Popeye and Serena at the same time.
CROW: It's 2000. Get over yourself.
Then they smiled at one another and kissed.
Raye, Amy, and Mina got a little disgusted and went home.
FALCON: Tom, Crow, Tuxedo Alex, Silver Knight, and Falcon Knight got a little sick and left the theater.
S.KNIGHT: Good idea.
(Dr. Forrester is heard over the P.A. system)
DR. F.: There's more to it. You stay. Besides, I'm not cleaning that mess up!
***
S.KNIGHT: As the bullets cut through the Empire State Building in New York...
Then a rose flew through the air and stuck into the ground.
CROW: About damn time, Cape-boy! Where were ya?
TUXEDO (Mask): An author's plot contrivance. What else is new?
"Unhand that young girl, you old pervert!" Tuxedo Mask stood before the lovers with his clothes in
shreds, looking like an absolute disgrace.
"You!" said Sailor Moon. "Look at you!
S.KNIGHT: Okay! (Starts to swoon again.)
OTHERS: SILVER!
S.KNIGHT: (Snaps out of it.) Whoops, got carried away...
You're a mess! And where have you been? Why don't you get lost, you loser!"
"Serena! I don't know what kind of spell this old pervert has put over you, but you're coming with me!" Tuxedo Mask tried to take her
CROW: In the middle of the road?
FALCON: In front of her new boyfriend, no less?
by the arm.
CROW & FALCON: Oh.
Popeye set his right fist spinning like a propeller, punching Tuxedo Mask under his jaw and sending him flying off to somewhere on the other side of the world.
TOM: Hey, he passed by those cutting bullets!
"Uk-uk-uk-uk-uk!" laughed Popeye. "Now where was we?"
The two of them strolled off together.
TUXEDO: ...into a really big volcano, turning them into a molten mess! The End.
S.KNIGHT: That was random.
CROW: Indeed.
***
FALCON: As the bullets cut through the Eiffel Tower in France...
"Uh, guys? Somebody? Anybody? Could somebody please get me out of this thing?" cried Lita, still
strapped to the chair.
TOM: Here we go again...
ALL (Muted trumpet): Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah...
***
TUXEDO: As the bullets cut back to their original target and slice off Popeye's head!
CROW: (To the others) I'm starting to worry about him.
S.KNIGHT: He's feeling the after-effects of the Amy scene.
Popeye and Serena sat on a park bench, necking, when a child fell out of the sky onto Serena's head.
This strange kid had a hairstyle like Serena's, but facial features like Popeye's, and brought along a floating creature that kept saying something like "jeep." The kid's name was Swipi...
But that's another story...
ALL: (@)_(@)
(Complete silence...and then...)
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!
S.KNIGHT: That is just not right!
CROW: Completely sick!
(Tom's head explodes again, showering more 3 Musketeers bars around the theater.)
FALCON: Man, Tom went off again!
TUXEDO: Who can blame him? (Sigh) Carry him out of the theater, guys. Nothing more to see here.
CROW: Amen.
(All exit the theater.)
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BACK ON THE SOL
(The heroes and the Bots walk back into the rumpus room, and it looks completely spotless. Gypsy is in the corner wit a mop, broom, and water bucket visible, panting heavily. Falcon Knight gets busy attaching Tom's new head.)
S.KNIGHT: Wow, Gypsy! I gotta hand it to you! The place looks spotless!
GYPSY: *Pant* I did *Pant* the best *Pant* I could. *Pant*
TUXEDO: Well Gypsy, old girl, I think you've earned yourself the rest of the day off.
GYPSY: Really?
CROW: Well, keep Life Support and Power going, but other than that, go nuts!
GYPSY: Wow, thanks! (She exits)
FALCON: Well, I got Tom's new head back on.
TOM: Yeah, sorry I went off like that...hey, why does the clock say 3999 as the year?
TUXEDO: What? (He checks the clock very quickly.) Oh no, the clock says it's almost midnight!
FALCON: I didn't do it!
S.KNIGHT: Or me!
TOM: Me either!
(Everyone in the room takes a suspicious look at Crow.)
CROW: Well, I kinda wanted to do a Y4K test, and...
(Suddenly, the Genma cutout reappears from the floor, with another crude recording.)
RECORDING: Con-on-on-ongradulations-s-s-s-s on reaching the-e-e-e-e year fo-fo-four thousand-and-and! For li-i-iving this long, please accept this-is-is Chee-e-e-ese Fountain-ain as a gift-t-t-t-t. Enjoy!
FALCON: Oh, no.
TOM: And we gave Gypsy the day off!
CROW: Oh boy! Cheese!
S.KNIGHT: Damn you Crow! (Sigh) Here we go again.
TUXEDO: Maybe we can check with the Doc and see how to disable it. (Presses the communications button.) Hey, Doc?
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DEEP 13 1/3
(Dr. Forrester, and the original TV's Frank, are surrounded by the Frank clones. This time, however, each one looks like they're about to attack, and carrying a menacing object.)
DR. F.: Can't talk to you know, weasels. The clones have just declared mutiny on us!
CLONES: FOR FRANKDOME!
DR. F.: And they took my remote to dispose of them!
FRANK: Come on, guys! It's me, the original! Can't we all be friends?
CLONES: Oh, no! We're not falling for that!
DR. F.: Then you wouldn't mind if he just pushes the button.
FRANK: Yeah, let me push the button!
CLONES: Oh, no! We're pushing the button!
(The clones all run at the same time to the button, but once again manage to collide into each other and fall to the ground.)
DR. F.: (Snickers) They may be superior to the original, but not in intelligence. (He calmly steps over the bodies and pushes the button.)
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Authors Notes
Well, after an unexpected sabbatical, I've returned to the MSTing forum! I took a temporary leave of absence to complete my high school transcripts and college applications. But the good news is that I've gotten accepted into college! Can't say which one I'm going to, though. I've gotten two acceptances so far, and I'll make a choice soon. Anyway, hopefully I'll pump out more of these MSTs regularly. (Boy, does that sound familiar.) And maybe I'll update my website for a second time! (Pauses to laugh at himself.) Well, see you next time!
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More Disclaimers
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.
Any other brand names or song titles or anything of the like that I forgot to mention are the properties of whoever created them in the first place. I take NO CREDIT from them! (There, that oughta keep me from getting sued!)
Stinger: "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man," said the stranger.