That was a record of my best work...fortunately now I have a chance to surpass it! The world will once again be mine on a delicious half-shell. And there is nothing you can do to stop me...
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX
EPISODE 19: SISTER CATSY BY WALT CHIMERA
But before we go on, here are some:
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Disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.
"Sister Catsy" belongs to Walt Chimera, and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.
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SATELLITE OF LOVE
(Problems are still running rampant around the ship. With the garbage chute still malfunctioning, our Heroes and the Bots are still wading through a sea of pizza boxes. Still searching for the hardware flaw, Sailor Silver Knight has opened the navigational computer, checking for errors. Falcon Knight, Tom, and Crow are checking out the food replicators. Tuxedo Alex is at the front of the ship, bags under his eyes.)
TUXEDO: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love. We're still trying to figure out what the heck is causing all these problems...
FALCON: Hey, Alex!
TUXEDO: (Tired) *Sigh* What is it now?
FALCON: I got bad news. The replicator just died.
TUXEDO: WHAT?
TOM: Everything seemed to be working just fine a second ago!
CROW: And all the stuff was hooked up correctly.
FALCON: Then I tried to run it, and it just shut down. I can't turn it back on.
TUXEDO: (Sighs heavily.) Wonderful. Now we can't eat.
S.KNIGHT: (From the back) Alex, I checked out the navigation computers, and everything still works okay.
TUXEDO: (Muttering) Great. Now we'll know exactly where we are when we starve to death.
S.KNIGHT: (Coming towards the front.) What's that, Alex? I didn't catch...
TUXEDO: (Angered, Harsh tone) Well, why don't you pay attention next time?
S.KNIGHT: Hey, don't snap at me like that!
TUXEDO: Then how do you want me to snap?
S.KNIGHT: Alex, stop it! You're not helping this situation in any way by brooding about it!
(Both are now nose to nose.)
TUXEDO: You know any other way to fix this ship? Do you? You know where the flaw is? Huh? Go ahead and tell me so I'll stop brooding! Go ahead!
S.KNIGHT: (Anger rising) You...You...
(Falcon Knight steps in between the two to attempt to break them up.)
FALCON: Guys, calm down! We can't be fighting like this!
CROW: Yeah, this isn't like you at all!
TOM: Take a chill pill, Tuxy.
TUXEDO: (After a moment.) ...Fine. Whatever. (He throws off his hat and mask in disgust and leaves the bridge. An uncomfortable silence follows.
FALCON: Uh...we'll be right back?
S.KNIGHT: Alex...
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AND NOW, A BREAK...
This space for rent! That's right! This space shall be reserved for someone who wants a free plug for their website! No catch! No strings attached! Just e-mail me at tuxedoalex@home.com with your name, your website, and a description there of, and you'll be given a free plug! Just doing something to help out! (Or increase my readers, either or... ;) )
-- Tuxedo Alex
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BACK ON THE SOL - TUXEDO ALEX' QUARTER'S
(Tuxedo Alex is sitting on his bed, starring at his non-functioning computer. He obviously appears to be stressed and very tired. He had pulled three all-nighters in a row working on the ship, with marginal time for naps and breaks. At the moment, he is thinking about what he said earlier, and what he did. He feels very ashamed of himself for letting his anger out of control like that. After a few seconds there is a knock on the door.)
TUXEDO: Come in, it's open.
(Sailor Silver Knight enters, a look of concern on her face.)
S.KNIGHT: I think we need to talk.
TUXEDO: Right. I think so, too. Pull up a chair.
(Silver takes the chair from Alex' desk and sits next to him.)
S.KNIGHT: I didn't appreciate being yelled at like that.
TUXEDO: I know...
S.KNIGHT: Granted everyone is tired, on edge, and generally feeling icky, but you have to remember it's not just "you" who feels that way. You need to control your temper better.
TUXEDO: Yeah...
(A moment of silence passes.)
TUXEDO: I'm...I'm sorry, Michelle...I really am. The whole food replicator thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, I guess...
S.KNIGHT: I noticed.
TUXEDO: I didn't mean what I said back there. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just needed to vent and yell at something, but I couldn't hold it in until I was alone. (He takes Silver's hand.) I'm sorry if I hurt you. I really am. I'm just so tired...
S.KNIGHT: It's okay. It happens. Let's just forget about it for now.
TUXEDO: Forget about what?
(Both share a good laugh. Afterwards, Alex brushes some hair away from Silver's face and caresses her cheek. They both lean in for a kiss, holding each other close.)
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SOL BRIDGE
TOM: How long has it been?
FALCON: (Looking at his watch.) Fifteen minutes.
CROW: Geez, are they humping each other in there, or what?
TOM: Crow!
CROW: What, I thought you liked hentai!
TOM: I do! I was going to say that, though!
FALCON: Damn, guys, leave them alone!
(The lights start to flash, however, the lights are flickering more than flashing regularly.)
FALCON: Besides, Dr. Tofu and Betty the Skeleton are calling.
(The Hexfield opens...slowly...to reveal Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in the middle of a rousing game of Pokémon Puzzle League. Frank has a winning streak of 49, and well on his way to a 50th win.)
DR. F.: Dammit, I'm an evil genius! Why am I NOT WINNING?
FRANK: Relax, Doc. It's just a game. (Frank wins again within seconds.) YES! I WON! I WON I WON I WON! 50 IN A ROW! I AM THE GOD! (He gets up and does a very elaborate victory dance.)
DR. F.: (Sigh) He does this every time he wins something. So, Bon Bon Babies, I...where are the other two?
FALCON: Sharing a "private" moment. (The Bots snicker.)
DR. F.: Oh. I'll have to turn on my secret spy camera to watch them later. Anyway, time is short over here, so here's your experiment. (He pauses slightly as Frank continues to dance in front of him. He continues speaking when Frank leaves.) This is another Walt Chimera gem, which he has entitled "Sister Catsy". Believe me, you'll wish that it "never happened"! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Frank, still dancing, blocks Dr. F. once again. Tired of this, he pulls a random sword out of Hammerspace(tm), and chops off Frank's arm.)
FRANK: (Looks at his bloody appendage.) Hey, what'd you do that for?
DR. F.: Don't worry, it'll grow back.
FRANK: Really?
DR. F.: Uh...yeah! Really! Now go get a mop. You're bleeding all over the floor.
FRANK: Will do, Steve!
DR. F.: And when you're done, lets play another round.
(The Hexfield cuts off.)
TOM: So are we crossing over into a convent now?
FALCON: Who the hell knows. Let's just get through it.
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SOL - TUXEDO ALEX' QUARTERS
(Alex and Silver are still very into their kiss from a few minutes ago as the klaxons go off.)
TUXEDO: (Releasing the kiss, surprised.) What the hell?
S.KNIGHT: Dammit! It's the klaxons!
TUXEDO: Great, of all the times to have a FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIGN!
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(6)
(5)
(4)
(3)
(2)
(1)
THEATER
(All the patrons take their seats. From right to left: Crow, Falcon, and Tom, leaving two seats blank n between.)
CROW: Damn, they're not here yet?
FALCON: All I know is that they are NOT leaving us alone with the Popeye crossover author!
Sister Catsy: Polka Haunt Us
FALCON: Okay, so Catsy became a nun?
TOM: I dunno. The pink tutu wouldn't look good with the robes.
(Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight finally make it in, taking the seats between Crow and Falcon.)
S.KNIGHT: Sorry we're late.
TUXEDO: Yeah, and sorry about earlier.
TOM: Don't worry. You're forgiven.
CROW: You'll be completely forgiven if you give us details from your visit together!
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: CROW!
TEASER:
CROW: Hah hah! Silver is a doody-head!
S.KNIGHT: What?!?
FALCON: Her attacks are SOOOOOOOOO weak!
S.KNIGHT: Stop that!
CROW: Well, it said to "Tease Her", so...
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!
(Hundreds of roses suddenly pierce Crow and Falcon Knight.)
S.KNIGHT: Alex, you know I could have taken care of them myself...
TUXEDO: Well, I haven't done my attack in a while. So sue me.
Today on Sister Catsy, a trip to the movies turns into
TOM: ...a giant, MUTANT BUNNY! AND IT CHOMPS CATSY TO BITS! HAHAHAHAHA!
TUXEDO: Tom, you've been on a really "darkness" high these last few experiments. Are you sure you're okay?
TOM: Well, I have been eating a lot of fiber lately!
S.KNIGHT: That...doesn't answer anything.
CROW: Believe me, after sitting on the can with a quarter-tank of fiber in your gut, you try NOT to be dark!
a confrontation with another one of Sailor Io's hideous mutants.
FALCON: Huh?
TUXEDO: Adam, try not to think...
FALCON: Already covered!...wait, did you finish your sentence?
Will we survive?
CROW: Hey, that's what we're supposed to ask!
What a stupid question! We ALWAYS do! Just stay right there,
S.KNIGHT: Like we have a choice in the matter...
and I'll show you!
TOM: ...my t(BLEEP)ts!
TUXEDO: TOM!
Kicking ass by negamoonlight
Kissing it by daylight
CROW: Hey, it's a lemon!
FALCON: I don't think so...
Never running from a cat fight
FALCON: Then again, I could be wrong...
CROW: A lesbian lemon, no less!
S.KNIGHT: GUYS!
She is the one named Sister Catsy
CROW: A lesbian lemon in a Church! WA-HOO!
TUXEDO: Crow. Line. Pushing.
She will never turn against the Negaverse
One day she will rule the universe
TOM: However, because of the Universe Leadership pecking order, she shall not be ruling the smallest galaxy anytime soon.
Well, at least according to this verse
She is the one named Sister...
Sister Prisma!
Sister Avery!
Sister Bertie!
Mister Rubius!
CROW: Why do I get the feeling someone's gonna call him "Mister" while tied up?
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...
CROW: Okay...okay...sorry...
The evil powers are not new to her
TUXEDO (Catsy): Dammit! I got stuck with last year's powers! Why can't I get the new models?
FALCON: ...Weak, Tuxy. Weak.
TUXEDO: I'm tryin'...and don't call me Tuxy!
She is the one named Sister Catsy
Trust her; you won't regret it
TOM: Sure. Until she turns on you, stabs you in the back, and throws you into the FIRERY PITS OF HELL!
S.KNIGHT: Has this whole Satellite business corrupted your Darkness Chip?
TOM: Eh...who knows...
When it comes to love, she just doesn't get it
With sisters stealing all the credit
She is the one named Sister Catsy
She is the one named Sister Catsy
She is the one... Sister Catsy!
FALCON: Okay, you're name is Sister Catsy. We get the damn point!
--Theme from "Sister Catsy"
TUXEDO: Crap! They're gonna sing to us again!
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TITLE SCREEN: Polka-Haunt Us
ALL: (Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)
SCENE: A typical Negaverse street scene.
CROW: I thought they lived on a huge spaceship.
TOM: Details, details...
Catsy and her sisters are primping at their favorite hangout -
FALCON (Godfather): Primpin' ain't easy, man!
a cosmetics stand run by Queen Beryl's younger sibling, Princess Quartz
BOTS: (Singing) She is the one named Sister Quartz!
OTHERS: GUYS!
Quartz: Are you girls going to keep sampling everything like yesterday?
S.KNIGHT (Quartz): I mean, you're not supposed to eat that stuff. It's poisonous when you ingest it!
When do any of you cheapskates actually plan on BUYING something?
TUXEDO (Catsy): When your sister comes back from the DEAD!
Catsy: Hey! What's with the attitude, today?
Prisma: Don't mind her, Catsy. She's just miffed because her sister rules the Negaverse,
CROW (Quartz): Hah! She's alive! Pay up!
and is now on her way to ruling that goodie-goodie universe, while Quartzy, here, is selling Regal Cosmetics.
Quartz: That's not true! I'm happy for Beryl! I really am! (Quartz bursts into tears and runs away.)
FALCON: Thus, her business crumbled into the ground, and she falls further down the pecking order.
Prisma (grinning): Was it something I said? I hope?
S.KNIGHT: Hope. (Sigh) Something I'm getting less of every day...
TOM: All we have to do is hang in there...
Come on, sisters, let's help ourselves to all the best stuff before she comes back.
CROW (Bertie): I got the Cockroach Lip Gloss!
FALCON (Prisma): Dibs on the Spider Powder!
TUXEDO (Avery): That's my Eye of Newt Body Wash!
TOM (Catsy): No, mine!
(All four of them start eagerly grabbing items, until Catsy notices with a gasp who's heading toward them from up the street.)
ALL: (Perform elaborate gasps.)
Catsy: Oh, no!
S.KNIGHT (Catsy): My Spotted Frog Mascara is running!
Bertie: What's up, Catsy?
Catsy: It's that stuck-up Rubius. I can't stand him!
TUXEDO (Catsy): But I can walk him okay!
FALCON: Good Rubius! Here's your treat!
TOM (Rubius): Ruff ruff!
Bertie: Why?
CROW: ...ask why? Try Bud Dry!
Rubius: Hey, Astroboy-head!
ALL: ...
TOM: Astroboy-head?
S.KNIGHT: Well, the story's content just took a dip into the "Ancient Anime" category...
FALCON: As well as the "What the Hell" category...
CROW: But it hasn't gone into the "Ecchi Furry" category yet! Damn!
TUXEDO: Crow....
How's it going?
Catsy (to Bertie): THAT'S why. (to Rubius): How many times do I have to tell you?
CROW (Catsy): Stop ripping off the DiC dub! It's worse enough as it is!
Stop calling me Astroboy-head! My hair is supposed to look like cat ears! My name's Catsy!
TUXEDO (Rubius): So, I should start calling you Chibi-Usa-Head now?
Even a moron like you should be able to get that!
Rubius: Sure, Astroboy-head.
FALCON: Ba-dum, CHING! The comic relief, ladies and gentleman!
Say, where's Quartzy?
S.KNIGHT (Avery): Over there, Hawks-Eye-Head.
Prisma: Bawling her eyes out somewhere, because she's not a queen.
TOM (Quartz): Damn, she goes ahead and gets killed, and she's STILL ruling the Negaverse! I never get any breaks!
FALCON (Negaverse): All hail The Pile of Dust Formerly Known as Queen Beryl!
Rubius: Again? Somebody ought to put her out of her misery.
CROW: Reading this fic'll put anyone out of their misery. Go do that!
Avery: Give Beryl time. She will.
(Everyone nods, knowingly.)
TUXEDO: For everyone knew that, one day, Quartz would accidentally snort Beryl's remains, choke on them, and die.
Rubius: Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day. There's a Doris Day picture playing at the Styx.
TOM: Doris Day? In the NEGAVERSE?!?
FALCON: And what's with Styx? Did they sell their souls, or something?
S.KNIGHT: Smile and nod...
Anybody want to see it with me?
S.KNIGHT: I call no obvious hentai comments for this line!
CROW: Damn!
Catsy (turning up her nose): No, thanks!
TUXEDO: Then she twisted the nose to the left, than to the right, and before long, she had her very own nose balloon!
FALCON: Wow, she's talented!
Prisma: I'll come.
BOTS: YES!
HEROES: GUYS!
But I'm not in the mood for horror. I'd rather see someting light and amusing.
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Someting light und amusing, Dahling
Rubius: I hear Platoon is playing on one of the other screens.
Bertie: Oh, I saw that last week! It's a laugh riot! It's full of pathetic humans blowing each other to pieces! Hahahahaha!
TOM: (Very Dark) Yeah, that was great! And all those grenades, man! He never saw that one coming! HAHAHAHA! BLOW 'EM ALL UP! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
CROW: (Very scared) ...I think I wet my circuits...
TUXEDO: Okay, I've had enough of this. Hey, Tom!
TOM: (Maniacally) What, my pretty! HAHAHA!
TUXEDO: Artemis' Lover, Rini's Change of Fortune, and Poke-A-Mon crossover!
TOM: (Thinks for a moment) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGHHH! (His head explodes, showering the theater with Starburst Hard Candy.)
S.KNIGHT: Gyah! Alex, what did you do that for?
TUXEDO: Forced head explosion. He needed to release some tension for a while now.
FALCON: True. (Hands Tuxedo a new Tom head.)
Avery: Sounds great! Count me in!
(Cut to a nearby energy bar.
S.KNIGHT: The Amazon Trio are in this thing?
A young Zoicite is sucking down a cold one,
CROW (Zoicite): Oh, Malacite, all frozen from the snow? Here, let me make it all better...
OTHERS: ...
FALCON: ...Should I take this as a yaoi reference and blast Crow?
TUXEDO: (Fixing Tom's head) Hey, knock yourself out.
FALCON: Cool! (Pulls out his Flame Fan) FALCON FIRE FAN! (A huge flame leaps out, burning Crow in the process.)
CROW: YAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! Traitor!
FALCON: Normal hentai comments are one thing, but yaoi references...
when there is a flash of light in the middle of the room.
(Tuxedo finishes attaching Tom's head.)
TOM: (Crazed Fan) Oh my gosh, it's Zoicite! I just got his picture! Yes! Oh, can I have your autograph? Please, oh please, oh please?
TUXEDO: Tom, how do you feel?
TOM: Oh, a lot better. As disgusting as that was, I needed that. Thanks.
In it's place appears Sailor Io.)
FALCON: Sailor International Onion?
S.KNIGHT: Sailor Internal Oreo?
CROW: Sailor Icky Orgasm?
TUXEDO: (Slaps his forehead.) Why, oh WHY didn't I see that one coming?
Io: Aha! Zoicite! I've tracked you down at last!
TOM: Oh, so it's the Bounty Hunter Sailor Senshi no one told us about. Okay it makes perfect sense.
FALCON: Uh...no it doesn't...
TOM: Shhhh! I'm in a semi-good mood, and I want it to stay that way!
Zoicite: Sailor Io! What do you want from me?
TUXEDO (Sailor Io): Oh, nothing much. Just your credit card, pin number, and whatever cash you have on you at the moment.
Io: Your Dark Heart crystal, what else?
TUXEDO: I just said! Credit card, pin...
FALCON: We get it!
TUXEDO: Sorry...
And I shall have it! There is no escape for you!
(Io whips out her Io wand
S.KNIGHT: ...and starts to "help herself"?
OTHERS: 0_0
S.KNIGHT: ......oh man, I've been hanging around you guys toooooo long...
and points it at Zoicite's chest, while Zoi screams.)
TUXEDO: As do the participants in the theater.
TOM (Zoi): AAAHHH! Zoicite is being attacked! AAAHHH! The horror! AAAHHH!
Io: IO DARK HEART CRYSTAL SUCKING POWER!!!!
FALCON: "Crystal Sucking"? That could be taken oddly...
S.KNIGHT: Adam, ANYTHING we say can be taken oddly with your mind.
FALCON: Funny...keeeeeeeeep talking...
(A rainbow colored beam of light shoots out from the wand, striking Zoicite and extracting the Dark Heart Crystal, which lands in Io's palm.)
Io: See you, Zoicite! It's been real!
CROW: Real annoying!
TUXEDO: And boring!
S.KNIGHT: And poorly conceived!
(Io vanishes in a flash of light.)
Zoicite (screaming): No! Without my Dark Heart crystal, I'm no longer Zoicite! I'm...I'm changing into...
TOM: Super Zoicite?
FALCON: A model citizen?
TUXEDO: A female in both Japan and America?
S.KNIGHT: A MALE in both Japan and America?
CROW: Mommy?
(Zoicite transforms into Lawrence Welk.)
ALL: Aw, sh(BLEEP)t!
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
TUXEDO: As Welk gives a positive review of "Return of the Jedite". Thanks!
MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTHTHTHTHH...HH...H...W...LLLLLLL...(pop, crack, crack)
(The klaxons start to go off, but soon crackle, sputter, and fizzle.)
TOM: Well...that was new.
FALCON: You know what this means, don't you?
S.KNIGHT: (Bitterly) That the SOL is falling to pieces right before our eyes?
FALCON: Nope. It means we can BREAK THE FOURTH WALL AS MUCH AS WE WANT!!!
CROW: All right!
BOTS & FALCON: ROTJ SUCKS! ROTJ SUCKS!
TUXEDO: All right, knock it off!
(Cut to outside the movie theater.
CROW: Hey, it's Gypsy! Hi, Gypsy!
S.KNIGHT: I think they mean the theater in the story, Crow, not our theater.
CROW: Oh.
The gang, minus Catsy,
TUXEDO: ...multiplied by five, divided by the "Rubeus Factor", minus the sum of the quotient of the author's bad plot contrivances and product of the grammar mistakes equals this story.
are planning how to sneak in past the usher, when...)
Avery (pointing): Look! What's that?"
FALCON (Usher): Hey! No sneaking in the back way! Get out of here, you freeloaders!
Bertie: It looks like a human with a pointy stick and bubbles,
TUXEDO: Amy-chan with her henshin stick and casting the Shabon Spray? (Goes off into a dream state.)
S.KNIGHT: Not again...
coming right at us!
TOM (Jimbo): It's coming right for us! (Pulls out shot gun) BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
TUXEDO: Amy-chan! NO!
FALCON: And he's supposed to be the SANE one on this ship?
(Close up of Rubius. We hear his thoughts.)
FALCON (Rubius' Thoughts): Boy, I could sure go for some Pocky right about now...
TOM (Rubius' Thoughts): Okay, when is Emerald supposed to kill me again?
TUXEDO (Rubius' Thoughts): Astroboy-Head? ASTROBOY-HEAD? What the hell was I thinking?
S.KNIGHT (Rubius' Thoughts): (Sings circus music.)
CROW (Rubius' Thoughts): Soon, little rabbit, you will be a big rabit, and you'll be ALL MINE!
OTHERS: CROOOOOOOOOOOOW!
CROW: Oops...RCOF line...I apologize. Really.
Rubius: I better make myself scarce before one of these bimbos decides I should protect them!
(The sisters look around themselves, suddenly alone.)
S.KNIGHT: The sisters suddenly were sent into a void where no one is around?
Prisma: Hey! Where did Rubius go?
TOM: He had diarrhea. Bad.
FALCON: Uh oh...Tom's going dark again...
TUXEDO: Don't worry. If he gets out of line, I know how to deal with him.
Avery: I guess we're on our own.
Bertie: What do we do?
CROW: Sit around and mindlessly riff fanfics? Like someone is doing right now?
TUXEDO: Hey! No breaking the fourth wall!
CROW: The alarms are broken! I can say whatever I damn well please!
TUXEDO: (Sigh) YELLOW ROSE...
CROW: Or...not...
Prisma: What we always do, Bertie-brain! Transform!
FALCON (Bertie): But we don't ALWAYS transform! Sometimes we do other things...
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Okay...well...lets do what we do MOST of the time! Transform!
TOM (Avery): Wait a sec! We don't even transform all that often!
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): (Slightly annoyed) Okay...SOME if the time then...
CROW (Catsy): Come to think of it, this is the first time we've EVER transformed!
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Oh, would you all SHUT UP? We're transforming NOW, and THAT'S THAT!
The three of them stand with their backs to one another. while the camera POV starts to circle around them.
TUXEDO: while sentence fragments roam abundantly. through the air. annoying certain trapped riffers.
We see black cresent moons, with their horns pointing down, appear on each of their foreheads. That's it. You were expecting flashy effects? Tough!)
TOM: Come to think of it...yes. Yes we were!
S.KNIGHT: Yeah, we were expecting transformation scenes of at least Final Fantasy IX quality!
TUXEDO: Shame on you, Chimera!
(Welk dives into the midst of them, confusing them with his bubbles, and slashing at their faces with his baton.)
Bertie: Watch it, you jerk! You nearly put my eye out with that thing!
FALCON (Welk): Uh...that's kinda the point? I attack you, you get hurt? Duh!
CROW: Weak comment, my friend.
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
FALCON: See? The story liked my one liner!
CROW: Oh, shut up!
S.KNIGHT: Guys...
Anna one, anna two...
TUXEDO: Welk is ordering around robots!
TOM: How many "Anna's" does he have?
(Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while champagne music plays in the background.)
ALL: (Cover ears)
CROW: Damn, this music sucks! (He produces a remote.) I wonder what else is on...
(Crow clicks a button, and all of the sudden...the music in the fanfic changes?)
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (ROCK) music plays in the background.
CROW: Cool!
FALCON: What the hell?
TUXEDO: What did you just do?
CROW: Hey, with the fourth wall alarms gone, we can change this puppy around!!! (Crow clicks another button.)
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (COUNTRY) music plays in the background.
TOM: YAAHHHH! Change it! Change it!
CROW: Hold on! (Click)
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (RAP) music plays in the background.
TOM: Better.
S.KNIGHT: Hoo boy, we are sooooooooo gonna be taken off this website for this...
TUXEDO: Michelle! No fourth wall breaching!
S.KNIGHT: Sorry...sorry...
Catsy's voice from the roof of a nearby building:
TUXEDO: Tuxedo's voice from the pits of a nearby theater...
Hold it right there, buster! If anyone's gonna scratch out my sisters' eyes, it's gonna be me!
FALCON: As Catsy turns to the side of (cough) good, and turns on her sisters.
OTHERS: Heel turn! Heel turn!...wait...Face turn! Face turn!
Welk (turning around and looking up): Anna who-a are you-a?
S.KNIGHT (Anna): You made me, master! As well as the other 56 Annas you command!
TOM (Welk): Oh, right. I plum forgot!
Catsy: I am Sister Catsy! Defender of the Negaverse from human scum! And that means you!
CROW (Catsy): Yeah, you! You! In the back row! With the Hawaiian shirt!
Welk: Anna now, the lovely sister is gonna sing for you-a a wunnerful song entitled "Ouch-a, My Foot."
ALL (Anna): (Singing off-key) Ouch-aaaaaaaaaaa, my foot-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It hurts-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa a lot-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
(Welk sends a laser beam from a mirrored ball hanging
TOM: (Singing) Burn, baby, burn! Disco Inferno!
in the sky to Catsy's left big toe.)
Catsy (hopping on the other foot): OOUUCH! MY FOOOOT!
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
FALCON: Yeah, our singing was quite good, wasn't it?
(We suddenly hear a guitar strum, and a dirty sock lands on the pavement in front of Welk.)
TOM (Tuxedo Mask): Uh...I ran out of roses, and it was laundry day?
TUXEDO: Well, it happens from time to time...
(The others look at Tuxedo strangely.)
TUXEDO: What?
Welk: Hello-a. What is this-a?
(Rubius is hovering in the sky, wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jogging shorts.)
CROW: Ugh, thanks for that WUNNERFUL image, story!
Rubius: I am Sweatshirt Shorts. Any human who attacks these ladies, answers to me!
ALL: (Stare at the screen for a moment, than burst into uncontrollable laughter.)
S.KNIGHT: Is THIS the best Chimera could come up with?
FALCON (Stan): Dude...this fanfic is pretty f(BLEEP)ed up right here.
TUXEDO: Language...
Welk: Oh, yeah? It's polka time-a!
CROW (Welk): So here's-a Weird Al-a Yankovick-a with his latest polka-a compilation-a!
OTHERS: YES!
(Welk starts to point his baton at Sweatshirt Shorts, when the fumes from the sock finally reach his nostrils. He takes two sniffs, turns green, sticks a finger in his cheek and makes a "pop" sound, before dropping to the ground, unconscious. The bubbles trapping the three sisters disappear.
ALL: ...
TOM: I think we reached the "JK" zone.
FALCON: "JK" zone?
TOM: A void where the fanfic makes entirely no sense, no matter HOW hard you try.
FALCON: Ah.
All four sisters: All right!
S.KNIGHT: But only three sisters were...
TOM: "JK" zone...
S.KNIGHT: Right, never mind.
Catsy (with hearts in her eyes): Sweatshirt Shorts is so keen!
TUXEDO (Clonus Horror guy): I think your neat!
FALCON (Clonus Horror guy): I like how keen you are!
But where did he go?
CROW: Up my...
TUXEDO: Crow!
CROW: ...nose?
TUXEDO: Better...I guess...
Rubius (in his usual attire): Somebody looking for me?
Catsy: Oh, no! No way! I'll look for you when I need somebody to sit on a bayonet!
FALCON: So Catsy's into the kinky stuff? Dude!
TUXEDO: Adam...aw, screw it. This fanfic deserves it at this point.
TOM: Such is the reaction in the "JK" zone.
Bertie: So, what are we supposed to do with this human now?
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): You gonna eat that?
(Two large rats, a white one and a black one come scampering up.)
CROW: Wha...?
TOM: Jeez, this is almost breaching the "Twin Peaks" zone!
TUXEDO: The place where any and all coherency and plot is shoved out the window?
TOM: I'm afraid so...
S.KNIGHT: Wouldn't that be classified under the "JK" zone as well?
TOM: I guess, but this is on a much more grandiose scale.
Black rat: He's not a human at all, Bertie!
White rat: Yeah! My vibes say he's really one of us, only missing the Dark Heart Crystal!
S.KNIGHT: (Stoned) Woah...dude...the rats are talking again...
Avery: Who would steal such a thing?
Prisma: Only one person I know is capable of an act like that! Sailor Io!
ALL: Bum, bum, BUUUUUUUUM!
(The rest of the gang gasps, as Sailor Io materializes in the air.)
Sailor Io: Did someone mention my name?
FALCON (Sailor Io): Whoever did, I was in the shower! I hate it when you contrive me out of the shower like that! Luckily, I was wearing a towel at the time...
Good! I will take ALL your Dark Heart Crystals!
Catsy (launching into her Flying Barbecue attack): We'll see about that!
TOM: "Flying Barbecue"?
TUXEDO: Kami-sama! Does this thing ever end?
TOM: "Flying BARBECUE"?
CROW: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder...
TOM: "FLY...I...I...NG BARB...b...b...B...b...B...BBBBBBBBBBBB..."
(Tom's head explodes once again, showering more Starburst Hard Candy everywhere.)
FALCON: Not again...
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh) I'll fix him this time. (Pulls out a new head and goes over to Tom to fix him.)
(Sailor Io is toasted to ashes, screaming.
FALCON (Catsy): Huh? I didn't even do my attack yet! I was just getting ready!
CROW: The enemy commited suicide to get out of the fanfic? Now why didn't I think of that?...
TUXEDO: Hey! No one is commiting suicide! We're all in this together!
The Dark Heart crystal drops from her grip into Welk's chest. Welk transforms back into Zoicite.)
S.KNIGHT (Zoicite): Thank you, thank you! And for my next trick, I'll pull a rabbit from my hat!
Zoicite (sitting up): I think I hear Malachite calling me!
(Zoi gets up and runs away.)
TOM (As Zoi, with new head attached): AHHHHHHHH! This is so weird! First Zoicite is turned into a monster, than there's Sweatshirt Shorts! I'm getting out of here! AHHHHH!
Prisma: How do you like that? Not even a thank you!
Catsy: Serving Queen Beryl is all the thanks I need.
FALCON (Catsy): Oh yes, that rotting pile of dead flesh gets more of my respect than all of you combined!
(Everyone stares at her in silence for a moment, then they all burst out in uproarious laughter.)
ALL: Uh...ha...haha...heh...hehehe...
SISTER SAYS:
TOM: Asistersayswhat?
CROW: What?
TOM: Right! HA HA!
CROW: Hey!
I can't think of anything worse than becoming a human.
TUXEDO: Hey, we're living it.
Unless it's becoming a human who has a TV show sponsored by Geritol. Zoicite was lucky, today, but you might not be. Always guard your Dark Heart crystal from anyone who tries to take it, because you never know what sort of hideous thing you might become without it! Sister Catsy Says! Hahahahahaha!
S.KNIGHT: The fanfic's over?
FALCON: Holy s(BLEEP)t! It is!
TOM: Get me outta here!
CROW: Finally! That was tough!
TUXEDO: I know a good way to get rid of this stress...
(All get up and exit the theater.)
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BACK ON THE SOL
(Sailor Silver Knight is standing on a podium, with the others around her. Each has a fake guitar, except with Crow on drums.)
FALCON: Man, I could've found another way to apologize...
TUXEDO: Shut up, Adam! Okay, ready for the song?
OTHERS: Ready!
(The American Sailor Moon theme plays in the background. The others just sing over it.)
ALL: Riffing fanfics by moonlight,
Cursing them by daylight.
Never giving up without a fight,
She is the one named Silver Knight!
She is trapped in here with her friends,
Her sanity we will defend.
When she gets off, Dr. F.'s life she'll end!
She is the one named Silveeeeeeeeeerrrrr...
Alex is Tuxy!
Crow is Derian!
Tom is Dowm!
Adam is Falcon Knight!
Star Floods she'll always get right,
She is the one named Silver Knight!
(Guitar solo for a few seconds.)
Riffing fanfics by moonlight,
Cursing them by daylight
With the Heros to help make light,
She is the one named Silver Knight!
She is the one named Silver Knight!
She is the one...Silver Knight!
(All collapse, but are laughing.)
S.KNIGHT: That was fun. Thanks!
TUXEDO: Glad you liked it. Well, back to work...
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SOL BRIDGE - LATER ON
(Tom and Crow are actually doing something productive by stacking the many pizza boxes neatly in an unused corner of the bridge. Our resident Heroes have finished looking in the last computer terminalon the bridge for flaws, and are putting it back together now.)
FALCON: Okay, so Life Support checks out. I guess that's it.
S.KNIGHT: We checked all the devices on the bridge. No broken hardware, no faulty chip sets. Not even a frayed wire!
TUXEDO: It doesn't make any sense. We looked everywhere.
CROW: I even checked out my hentai games on my Palm Pilot!
TOM: So you're the one who downloaded Panty Raider from my PC!
CROW: Well, it's not like oyu were going to play it...
TOM: OF COURSE I WAS! IT HAD "PANTY" IN THE TITLE, YOU IDIOT!
TUXEDO: GUYS!
S.KNIGHT: I really doubt that a sex game on a Palm Pilot can cause faulty hardware.
CROW: (Snicker) Sex game...faulty hardware...
(The Bots roll on the floor laughing. It is at this point the Bridge's main computer suddenly bursts into flame and short circuits. The crew jumps out of the way to save themselves, but can't help but get drenched when the sprinkler system kicks in. Afterwhich, main power shuts down leaving the entire Satellite in total darkness.)
TUXEDO: ...Houston, we have a problem...
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DEEP 13 1/3
(Dr. Forrester is standing by a switch labeled "SOL Main Power".)
DR. F.: Finally! All that singing was giving me a headache! Anyway, now I've cut main power, everything should be ready soon...
FRANK: (Carrying something in his good arm.) Hey, Doc! Phone call! (Frank gives Dr. F. a cell phone.)
DR. F.: thanks. Hello?... (Gets a worried look on his face)...Yes...Yess, I understand...I see...don't worry, this time, I'll get them!...Right...Good-bye, Boss. (He hangs up.)
FRANK: What's wrong, Steve?
DR. F.: That was..."Him".
FRANK: (Gasps) Really?
DR.F.: (Nods) We have by next experiment to drive our subjects mad. If we fail, he'll come down here...
FRANK: Uh oh...
(Frank absentmindedly pushes the button, as the entire screen goes black.)
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Author's Notes
Well, after a whole semester of college under my belt, it's back to work on another piece of "wunnerful" work found on the World Wide Web! (cough) Anyway, this turned out very tough to riff by the end, because it got so weird, as in "Twin Peaks" weird. But, I did my best. Any complaints? If so keep 'em to yourself, please. Heh...
The whole "changing the fanfic around" bit from earlier was NOT meant rewrite the author's original work. That's why it was in the riffer's section. The whole thing was just to make you laugh. So, please don't do anything warranting my termination, Mr. Chimera!
Next chapter is the GRIPPING SEASON FINALE! Buckle down, Bon Bon Babies, this one'll knock your socks off...
Stinger: Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3333 1/3
RIFFED BY TUXEDO ALEX
EPISODE 19: SISTER CATSY BY WALT CHIMERA
But before we go on, here are some:
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Disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyrighted by Best Brains Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all her distributors, including DIC.
"Sister Catsy" belongs to Walt Chimera, and he's welcome to it. The riffing of this piece is not meant to insult the author, or the piece itself. It was all done with fun in mind, and is meant to be taken lightly.
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SATELLITE OF LOVE
(Problems are still running rampant around the ship. With the garbage chute still malfunctioning, our Heroes and the Bots are still wading through a sea of pizza boxes. Still searching for the hardware flaw, Sailor Silver Knight has opened the navigational computer, checking for errors. Falcon Knight, Tom, and Crow are checking out the food replicators. Tuxedo Alex is at the front of the ship, bags under his eyes.)
TUXEDO: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love. We're still trying to figure out what the heck is causing all these problems...
FALCON: Hey, Alex!
TUXEDO: (Tired) *Sigh* What is it now?
FALCON: I got bad news. The replicator just died.
TUXEDO: WHAT?
TOM: Everything seemed to be working just fine a second ago!
CROW: And all the stuff was hooked up correctly.
FALCON: Then I tried to run it, and it just shut down. I can't turn it back on.
TUXEDO: (Sighs heavily.) Wonderful. Now we can't eat.
S.KNIGHT: (From the back) Alex, I checked out the navigation computers, and everything still works okay.
TUXEDO: (Muttering) Great. Now we'll know exactly where we are when we starve to death.
S.KNIGHT: (Coming towards the front.) What's that, Alex? I didn't catch...
TUXEDO: (Angered, Harsh tone) Well, why don't you pay attention next time?
S.KNIGHT: Hey, don't snap at me like that!
TUXEDO: Then how do you want me to snap?
S.KNIGHT: Alex, stop it! You're not helping this situation in any way by brooding about it!
(Both are now nose to nose.)
TUXEDO: You know any other way to fix this ship? Do you? You know where the flaw is? Huh? Go ahead and tell me so I'll stop brooding! Go ahead!
S.KNIGHT: (Anger rising) You...You...
(Falcon Knight steps in between the two to attempt to break them up.)
FALCON: Guys, calm down! We can't be fighting like this!
CROW: Yeah, this isn't like you at all!
TOM: Take a chill pill, Tuxy.
TUXEDO: (After a moment.) ...Fine. Whatever. (He throws off his hat and mask in disgust and leaves the bridge. An uncomfortable silence follows.
FALCON: Uh...we'll be right back?
S.KNIGHT: Alex...
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AND NOW, A BREAK...
This space for rent! That's right! This space shall be reserved for someone who wants a free plug for their website! No catch! No strings attached! Just e-mail me at tuxedoalex@home.com with your name, your website, and a description there of, and you'll be given a free plug! Just doing something to help out! (Or increase my readers, either or... ;) )
-- Tuxedo Alex
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BACK ON THE SOL - TUXEDO ALEX' QUARTER'S
(Tuxedo Alex is sitting on his bed, starring at his non-functioning computer. He obviously appears to be stressed and very tired. He had pulled three all-nighters in a row working on the ship, with marginal time for naps and breaks. At the moment, he is thinking about what he said earlier, and what he did. He feels very ashamed of himself for letting his anger out of control like that. After a few seconds there is a knock on the door.)
TUXEDO: Come in, it's open.
(Sailor Silver Knight enters, a look of concern on her face.)
S.KNIGHT: I think we need to talk.
TUXEDO: Right. I think so, too. Pull up a chair.
(Silver takes the chair from Alex' desk and sits next to him.)
S.KNIGHT: I didn't appreciate being yelled at like that.
TUXEDO: I know...
S.KNIGHT: Granted everyone is tired, on edge, and generally feeling icky, but you have to remember it's not just "you" who feels that way. You need to control your temper better.
TUXEDO: Yeah...
(A moment of silence passes.)
TUXEDO: I'm...I'm sorry, Michelle...I really am. The whole food replicator thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, I guess...
S.KNIGHT: I noticed.
TUXEDO: I didn't mean what I said back there. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just needed to vent and yell at something, but I couldn't hold it in until I was alone. (He takes Silver's hand.) I'm sorry if I hurt you. I really am. I'm just so tired...
S.KNIGHT: It's okay. It happens. Let's just forget about it for now.
TUXEDO: Forget about what?
(Both share a good laugh. Afterwards, Alex brushes some hair away from Silver's face and caresses her cheek. They both lean in for a kiss, holding each other close.)
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SOL BRIDGE
TOM: How long has it been?
FALCON: (Looking at his watch.) Fifteen minutes.
CROW: Geez, are they humping each other in there, or what?
TOM: Crow!
CROW: What, I thought you liked hentai!
TOM: I do! I was going to say that, though!
FALCON: Damn, guys, leave them alone!
(The lights start to flash, however, the lights are flickering more than flashing regularly.)
FALCON: Besides, Dr. Tofu and Betty the Skeleton are calling.
(The Hexfield opens...slowly...to reveal Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in the middle of a rousing game of Pokémon Puzzle League. Frank has a winning streak of 49, and well on his way to a 50th win.)
DR. F.: Dammit, I'm an evil genius! Why am I NOT WINNING?
FRANK: Relax, Doc. It's just a game. (Frank wins again within seconds.) YES! I WON! I WON I WON I WON! 50 IN A ROW! I AM THE GOD! (He gets up and does a very elaborate victory dance.)
DR. F.: (Sigh) He does this every time he wins something. So, Bon Bon Babies, I...where are the other two?
FALCON: Sharing a "private" moment. (The Bots snicker.)
DR. F.: Oh. I'll have to turn on my secret spy camera to watch them later. Anyway, time is short over here, so here's your experiment. (He pauses slightly as Frank continues to dance in front of him. He continues speaking when Frank leaves.) This is another Walt Chimera gem, which he has entitled "Sister Catsy". Believe me, you'll wish that it "never happened"! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Frank, still dancing, blocks Dr. F. once again. Tired of this, he pulls a random sword out of Hammerspace(tm), and chops off Frank's arm.)
FRANK: (Looks at his bloody appendage.) Hey, what'd you do that for?
DR. F.: Don't worry, it'll grow back.
FRANK: Really?
DR. F.: Uh...yeah! Really! Now go get a mop. You're bleeding all over the floor.
FRANK: Will do, Steve!
DR. F.: And when you're done, lets play another round.
(The Hexfield cuts off.)
TOM: So are we crossing over into a convent now?
FALCON: Who the hell knows. Let's just get through it.
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SOL - TUXEDO ALEX' QUARTERS
(Alex and Silver are still very into their kiss from a few minutes ago as the klaxons go off.)
TUXEDO: (Releasing the kiss, surprised.) What the hell?
S.KNIGHT: Dammit! It's the klaxons!
TUXEDO: Great, of all the times to have a FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIGN!
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THEATER
(All the patrons take their seats. From right to left: Crow, Falcon, and Tom, leaving two seats blank n between.)
CROW: Damn, they're not here yet?
FALCON: All I know is that they are NOT leaving us alone with the Popeye crossover author!
Sister Catsy: Polka Haunt Us
FALCON: Okay, so Catsy became a nun?
TOM: I dunno. The pink tutu wouldn't look good with the robes.
(Tuxedo Alex and Silver Knight finally make it in, taking the seats between Crow and Falcon.)
S.KNIGHT: Sorry we're late.
TUXEDO: Yeah, and sorry about earlier.
TOM: Don't worry. You're forgiven.
CROW: You'll be completely forgiven if you give us details from your visit together!
TUXEDO & S.KNIGHT: CROW!
TEASER:
CROW: Hah hah! Silver is a doody-head!
S.KNIGHT: What?!?
FALCON: Her attacks are SOOOOOOOOO weak!
S.KNIGHT: Stop that!
CROW: Well, it said to "Tease Her", so...
TUXEDO: YELLOW ROSE BARRAGE!
(Hundreds of roses suddenly pierce Crow and Falcon Knight.)
S.KNIGHT: Alex, you know I could have taken care of them myself...
TUXEDO: Well, I haven't done my attack in a while. So sue me.
Today on Sister Catsy, a trip to the movies turns into
TOM: ...a giant, MUTANT BUNNY! AND IT CHOMPS CATSY TO BITS! HAHAHAHAHA!
TUXEDO: Tom, you've been on a really "darkness" high these last few experiments. Are you sure you're okay?
TOM: Well, I have been eating a lot of fiber lately!
S.KNIGHT: That...doesn't answer anything.
CROW: Believe me, after sitting on the can with a quarter-tank of fiber in your gut, you try NOT to be dark!
a confrontation with another one of Sailor Io's hideous mutants.
FALCON: Huh?
TUXEDO: Adam, try not to think...
FALCON: Already covered!...wait, did you finish your sentence?
Will we survive?
CROW: Hey, that's what we're supposed to ask!
What a stupid question! We ALWAYS do! Just stay right there,
S.KNIGHT: Like we have a choice in the matter...
and I'll show you!
TOM: ...my t(BLEEP)ts!
TUXEDO: TOM!
Kicking ass by negamoonlight
Kissing it by daylight
CROW: Hey, it's a lemon!
FALCON: I don't think so...
Never running from a cat fight
FALCON: Then again, I could be wrong...
CROW: A lesbian lemon, no less!
S.KNIGHT: GUYS!
She is the one named Sister Catsy
CROW: A lesbian lemon in a Church! WA-HOO!
TUXEDO: Crow. Line. Pushing.
She will never turn against the Negaverse
One day she will rule the universe
TOM: However, because of the Universe Leadership pecking order, she shall not be ruling the smallest galaxy anytime soon.
Well, at least according to this verse
She is the one named Sister...
Sister Prisma!
Sister Avery!
Sister Bertie!
Mister Rubius!
CROW: Why do I get the feeling someone's gonna call him "Mister" while tied up?
S.KNIGHT: SILVER STAR...
CROW: Okay...okay...sorry...
The evil powers are not new to her
TUXEDO (Catsy): Dammit! I got stuck with last year's powers! Why can't I get the new models?
FALCON: ...Weak, Tuxy. Weak.
TUXEDO: I'm tryin'...and don't call me Tuxy!
She is the one named Sister Catsy
Trust her; you won't regret it
TOM: Sure. Until she turns on you, stabs you in the back, and throws you into the FIRERY PITS OF HELL!
S.KNIGHT: Has this whole Satellite business corrupted your Darkness Chip?
TOM: Eh...who knows...
When it comes to love, she just doesn't get it
With sisters stealing all the credit
She is the one named Sister Catsy
She is the one named Sister Catsy
She is the one... Sister Catsy!
FALCON: Okay, you're name is Sister Catsy. We get the damn point!
--Theme from "Sister Catsy"
TUXEDO: Crap! They're gonna sing to us again!
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
TITLE SCREEN: Polka-Haunt Us
ALL: (Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)
SCENE: A typical Negaverse street scene.
CROW: I thought they lived on a huge spaceship.
TOM: Details, details...
Catsy and her sisters are primping at their favorite hangout -
FALCON (Godfather): Primpin' ain't easy, man!
a cosmetics stand run by Queen Beryl's younger sibling, Princess Quartz
BOTS: (Singing) She is the one named Sister Quartz!
OTHERS: GUYS!
Quartz: Are you girls going to keep sampling everything like yesterday?
S.KNIGHT (Quartz): I mean, you're not supposed to eat that stuff. It's poisonous when you ingest it!
When do any of you cheapskates actually plan on BUYING something?
TUXEDO (Catsy): When your sister comes back from the DEAD!
Catsy: Hey! What's with the attitude, today?
Prisma: Don't mind her, Catsy. She's just miffed because her sister rules the Negaverse,
CROW (Quartz): Hah! She's alive! Pay up!
and is now on her way to ruling that goodie-goodie universe, while Quartzy, here, is selling Regal Cosmetics.
Quartz: That's not true! I'm happy for Beryl! I really am! (Quartz bursts into tears and runs away.)
FALCON: Thus, her business crumbled into the ground, and she falls further down the pecking order.
Prisma (grinning): Was it something I said? I hope?
S.KNIGHT: Hope. (Sigh) Something I'm getting less of every day...
TOM: All we have to do is hang in there...
Come on, sisters, let's help ourselves to all the best stuff before she comes back.
CROW (Bertie): I got the Cockroach Lip Gloss!
FALCON (Prisma): Dibs on the Spider Powder!
TUXEDO (Avery): That's my Eye of Newt Body Wash!
TOM (Catsy): No, mine!
(All four of them start eagerly grabbing items, until Catsy notices with a gasp who's heading toward them from up the street.)
ALL: (Perform elaborate gasps.)
Catsy: Oh, no!
S.KNIGHT (Catsy): My Spotted Frog Mascara is running!
Bertie: What's up, Catsy?
Catsy: It's that stuck-up Rubius. I can't stand him!
TUXEDO (Catsy): But I can walk him okay!
FALCON: Good Rubius! Here's your treat!
TOM (Rubius): Ruff ruff!
Bertie: Why?
CROW: ...ask why? Try Bud Dry!
Rubius: Hey, Astroboy-head!
ALL: ...
TOM: Astroboy-head?
S.KNIGHT: Well, the story's content just took a dip into the "Ancient Anime" category...
FALCON: As well as the "What the Hell" category...
CROW: But it hasn't gone into the "Ecchi Furry" category yet! Damn!
TUXEDO: Crow....
How's it going?
Catsy (to Bertie): THAT'S why. (to Rubius): How many times do I have to tell you?
CROW (Catsy): Stop ripping off the DiC dub! It's worse enough as it is!
Stop calling me Astroboy-head! My hair is supposed to look like cat ears! My name's Catsy!
TUXEDO (Rubius): So, I should start calling you Chibi-Usa-Head now?
Even a moron like you should be able to get that!
Rubius: Sure, Astroboy-head.
FALCON: Ba-dum, CHING! The comic relief, ladies and gentleman!
Say, where's Quartzy?
S.KNIGHT (Avery): Over there, Hawks-Eye-Head.
Prisma: Bawling her eyes out somewhere, because she's not a queen.
TOM (Quartz): Damn, she goes ahead and gets killed, and she's STILL ruling the Negaverse! I never get any breaks!
FALCON (Negaverse): All hail The Pile of Dust Formerly Known as Queen Beryl!
Rubius: Again? Somebody ought to put her out of her misery.
CROW: Reading this fic'll put anyone out of their misery. Go do that!
Avery: Give Beryl time. She will.
(Everyone nods, knowingly.)
TUXEDO: For everyone knew that, one day, Quartz would accidentally snort Beryl's remains, choke on them, and die.
Rubius: Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day. There's a Doris Day picture playing at the Styx.
TOM: Doris Day? In the NEGAVERSE?!?
FALCON: And what's with Styx? Did they sell their souls, or something?
S.KNIGHT: Smile and nod...
Anybody want to see it with me?
S.KNIGHT: I call no obvious hentai comments for this line!
CROW: Damn!
Catsy (turning up her nose): No, thanks!
TUXEDO: Then she twisted the nose to the left, than to the right, and before long, she had her very own nose balloon!
FALCON: Wow, she's talented!
Prisma: I'll come.
BOTS: YES!
HEROES: GUYS!
But I'm not in the mood for horror. I'd rather see someting light and amusing.
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Someting light und amusing, Dahling
Rubius: I hear Platoon is playing on one of the other screens.
Bertie: Oh, I saw that last week! It's a laugh riot! It's full of pathetic humans blowing each other to pieces! Hahahahaha!
TOM: (Very Dark) Yeah, that was great! And all those grenades, man! He never saw that one coming! HAHAHAHA! BLOW 'EM ALL UP! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
CROW: (Very scared) ...I think I wet my circuits...
TUXEDO: Okay, I've had enough of this. Hey, Tom!
TOM: (Maniacally) What, my pretty! HAHAHA!
TUXEDO: Artemis' Lover, Rini's Change of Fortune, and Poke-A-Mon crossover!
TOM: (Thinks for a moment) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGHHH! (His head explodes, showering the theater with Starburst Hard Candy.)
S.KNIGHT: Gyah! Alex, what did you do that for?
TUXEDO: Forced head explosion. He needed to release some tension for a while now.
FALCON: True. (Hands Tuxedo a new Tom head.)
Avery: Sounds great! Count me in!
(Cut to a nearby energy bar.
S.KNIGHT: The Amazon Trio are in this thing?
A young Zoicite is sucking down a cold one,
CROW (Zoicite): Oh, Malacite, all frozen from the snow? Here, let me make it all better...
OTHERS: ...
FALCON: ...Should I take this as a yaoi reference and blast Crow?
TUXEDO: (Fixing Tom's head) Hey, knock yourself out.
FALCON: Cool! (Pulls out his Flame Fan) FALCON FIRE FAN! (A huge flame leaps out, burning Crow in the process.)
CROW: YAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! Traitor!
FALCON: Normal hentai comments are one thing, but yaoi references...
when there is a flash of light in the middle of the room.
(Tuxedo finishes attaching Tom's head.)
TOM: (Crazed Fan) Oh my gosh, it's Zoicite! I just got his picture! Yes! Oh, can I have your autograph? Please, oh please, oh please?
TUXEDO: Tom, how do you feel?
TOM: Oh, a lot better. As disgusting as that was, I needed that. Thanks.
In it's place appears Sailor Io.)
FALCON: Sailor International Onion?
S.KNIGHT: Sailor Internal Oreo?
CROW: Sailor Icky Orgasm?
TUXEDO: (Slaps his forehead.) Why, oh WHY didn't I see that one coming?
Io: Aha! Zoicite! I've tracked you down at last!
TOM: Oh, so it's the Bounty Hunter Sailor Senshi no one told us about. Okay it makes perfect sense.
FALCON: Uh...no it doesn't...
TOM: Shhhh! I'm in a semi-good mood, and I want it to stay that way!
Zoicite: Sailor Io! What do you want from me?
TUXEDO (Sailor Io): Oh, nothing much. Just your credit card, pin number, and whatever cash you have on you at the moment.
Io: Your Dark Heart crystal, what else?
TUXEDO: I just said! Credit card, pin...
FALCON: We get it!
TUXEDO: Sorry...
And I shall have it! There is no escape for you!
(Io whips out her Io wand
S.KNIGHT: ...and starts to "help herself"?
OTHERS: 0_0
S.KNIGHT: ......oh man, I've been hanging around you guys toooooo long...
and points it at Zoicite's chest, while Zoi screams.)
TUXEDO: As do the participants in the theater.
TOM (Zoi): AAAHHH! Zoicite is being attacked! AAAHHH! The horror! AAAHHH!
Io: IO DARK HEART CRYSTAL SUCKING POWER!!!!
FALCON: "Crystal Sucking"? That could be taken oddly...
S.KNIGHT: Adam, ANYTHING we say can be taken oddly with your mind.
FALCON: Funny...keeeeeeeeep talking...
(A rainbow colored beam of light shoots out from the wand, striking Zoicite and extracting the Dark Heart Crystal, which lands in Io's palm.)
Io: See you, Zoicite! It's been real!
CROW: Real annoying!
TUXEDO: And boring!
S.KNIGHT: And poorly conceived!
(Io vanishes in a flash of light.)
Zoicite (screaming): No! Without my Dark Heart crystal, I'm no longer Zoicite! I'm...I'm changing into...
TOM: Super Zoicite?
FALCON: A model citizen?
TUXEDO: A female in both Japan and America?
S.KNIGHT: A MALE in both Japan and America?
CROW: Mommy?
(Zoicite transforms into Lawrence Welk.)
ALL: Aw, sh(BLEEP)t!
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
TUXEDO: As Welk gives a positive review of "Return of the Jedite". Thanks!
MAGIC VOICE: FOURTH WALL ALERT! FOURTHTHTHTHH...HH...H...W...LLLLLLL...(pop, crack, crack)
(The klaxons start to go off, but soon crackle, sputter, and fizzle.)
TOM: Well...that was new.
FALCON: You know what this means, don't you?
S.KNIGHT: (Bitterly) That the SOL is falling to pieces right before our eyes?
FALCON: Nope. It means we can BREAK THE FOURTH WALL AS MUCH AS WE WANT!!!
CROW: All right!
BOTS & FALCON: ROTJ SUCKS! ROTJ SUCKS!
TUXEDO: All right, knock it off!
(Cut to outside the movie theater.
CROW: Hey, it's Gypsy! Hi, Gypsy!
S.KNIGHT: I think they mean the theater in the story, Crow, not our theater.
CROW: Oh.
The gang, minus Catsy,
TUXEDO: ...multiplied by five, divided by the "Rubeus Factor", minus the sum of the quotient of the author's bad plot contrivances and product of the grammar mistakes equals this story.
are planning how to sneak in past the usher, when...)
Avery (pointing): Look! What's that?"
FALCON (Usher): Hey! No sneaking in the back way! Get out of here, you freeloaders!
Bertie: It looks like a human with a pointy stick and bubbles,
TUXEDO: Amy-chan with her henshin stick and casting the Shabon Spray? (Goes off into a dream state.)
S.KNIGHT: Not again...
coming right at us!
TOM (Jimbo): It's coming right for us! (Pulls out shot gun) BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
TUXEDO: Amy-chan! NO!
FALCON: And he's supposed to be the SANE one on this ship?
(Close up of Rubius. We hear his thoughts.)
FALCON (Rubius' Thoughts): Boy, I could sure go for some Pocky right about now...
TOM (Rubius' Thoughts): Okay, when is Emerald supposed to kill me again?
TUXEDO (Rubius' Thoughts): Astroboy-Head? ASTROBOY-HEAD? What the hell was I thinking?
S.KNIGHT (Rubius' Thoughts): (Sings circus music.)
CROW (Rubius' Thoughts): Soon, little rabbit, you will be a big rabit, and you'll be ALL MINE!
OTHERS: CROOOOOOOOOOOOW!
CROW: Oops...RCOF line...I apologize. Really.
Rubius: I better make myself scarce before one of these bimbos decides I should protect them!
(The sisters look around themselves, suddenly alone.)
S.KNIGHT: The sisters suddenly were sent into a void where no one is around?
Prisma: Hey! Where did Rubius go?
TOM: He had diarrhea. Bad.
FALCON: Uh oh...Tom's going dark again...
TUXEDO: Don't worry. If he gets out of line, I know how to deal with him.
Avery: I guess we're on our own.
Bertie: What do we do?
CROW: Sit around and mindlessly riff fanfics? Like someone is doing right now?
TUXEDO: Hey! No breaking the fourth wall!
CROW: The alarms are broken! I can say whatever I damn well please!
TUXEDO: (Sigh) YELLOW ROSE...
CROW: Or...not...
Prisma: What we always do, Bertie-brain! Transform!
FALCON (Bertie): But we don't ALWAYS transform! Sometimes we do other things...
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Okay...well...lets do what we do MOST of the time! Transform!
TOM (Avery): Wait a sec! We don't even transform all that often!
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): (Slightly annoyed) Okay...SOME if the time then...
CROW (Catsy): Come to think of it, this is the first time we've EVER transformed!
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): Oh, would you all SHUT UP? We're transforming NOW, and THAT'S THAT!
The three of them stand with their backs to one another. while the camera POV starts to circle around them.
TUXEDO: while sentence fragments roam abundantly. through the air. annoying certain trapped riffers.
We see black cresent moons, with their horns pointing down, appear on each of their foreheads. That's it. You were expecting flashy effects? Tough!)
TOM: Come to think of it...yes. Yes we were!
S.KNIGHT: Yeah, we were expecting transformation scenes of at least Final Fantasy IX quality!
TUXEDO: Shame on you, Chimera!
(Welk dives into the midst of them, confusing them with his bubbles, and slashing at their faces with his baton.)
Bertie: Watch it, you jerk! You nearly put my eye out with that thing!
FALCON (Welk): Uh...that's kinda the point? I attack you, you get hurt? Duh!
CROW: Weak comment, my friend.
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
FALCON: See? The story liked my one liner!
CROW: Oh, shut up!
S.KNIGHT: Guys...
Anna one, anna two...
TUXEDO: Welk is ordering around robots!
TOM: How many "Anna's" does he have?
(Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while champagne music plays in the background.)
ALL: (Cover ears)
CROW: Damn, this music sucks! (He produces a remote.) I wonder what else is on...
(Crow clicks a button, and all of the sudden...the music in the fanfic changes?)
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (ROCK) music plays in the background.
CROW: Cool!
FALCON: What the hell?
TUXEDO: What did you just do?
CROW: Hey, with the fourth wall alarms gone, we can change this puppy around!!! (Crow clicks another button.)
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (COUNTRY) music plays in the background.
TOM: YAAHHHH! Change it! Change it!
CROW: Hold on! (Click)
FANFIC: Welk points his baton at the others, causing his bubbles to entrap them, while (RAP) music plays in the background.
TOM: Better.
S.KNIGHT: Hoo boy, we are sooooooooo gonna be taken off this website for this...
TUXEDO: Michelle! No fourth wall breaching!
S.KNIGHT: Sorry...sorry...
Catsy's voice from the roof of a nearby building:
TUXEDO: Tuxedo's voice from the pits of a nearby theater...
Hold it right there, buster! If anyone's gonna scratch out my sisters' eyes, it's gonna be me!
FALCON: As Catsy turns to the side of (cough) good, and turns on her sisters.
OTHERS: Heel turn! Heel turn!...wait...Face turn! Face turn!
Welk (turning around and looking up): Anna who-a are you-a?
S.KNIGHT (Anna): You made me, master! As well as the other 56 Annas you command!
TOM (Welk): Oh, right. I plum forgot!
Catsy: I am Sister Catsy! Defender of the Negaverse from human scum! And that means you!
CROW (Catsy): Yeah, you! You! In the back row! With the Hawaiian shirt!
Welk: Anna now, the lovely sister is gonna sing for you-a a wunnerful song entitled "Ouch-a, My Foot."
ALL (Anna): (Singing off-key) Ouch-aaaaaaaaaaa, my foot-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It hurts-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa a lot-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
(Welk sends a laser beam from a mirrored ball hanging
TOM: (Singing) Burn, baby, burn! Disco Inferno!
in the sky to Catsy's left big toe.)
Catsy (hopping on the other foot): OOUUCH! MY FOOOOT!
Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!
FALCON: Yeah, our singing was quite good, wasn't it?
(We suddenly hear a guitar strum, and a dirty sock lands on the pavement in front of Welk.)
TOM (Tuxedo Mask): Uh...I ran out of roses, and it was laundry day?
TUXEDO: Well, it happens from time to time...
(The others look at Tuxedo strangely.)
TUXEDO: What?
Welk: Hello-a. What is this-a?
(Rubius is hovering in the sky, wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jogging shorts.)
CROW: Ugh, thanks for that WUNNERFUL image, story!
Rubius: I am Sweatshirt Shorts. Any human who attacks these ladies, answers to me!
ALL: (Stare at the screen for a moment, than burst into uncontrollable laughter.)
S.KNIGHT: Is THIS the best Chimera could come up with?
FALCON (Stan): Dude...this fanfic is pretty f(BLEEP)ed up right here.
TUXEDO: Language...
Welk: Oh, yeah? It's polka time-a!
CROW (Welk): So here's-a Weird Al-a Yankovick-a with his latest polka-a compilation-a!
OTHERS: YES!
(Welk starts to point his baton at Sweatshirt Shorts, when the fumes from the sock finally reach his nostrils. He takes two sniffs, turns green, sticks a finger in his cheek and makes a "pop" sound, before dropping to the ground, unconscious. The bubbles trapping the three sisters disappear.
ALL: ...
TOM: I think we reached the "JK" zone.
FALCON: "JK" zone?
TOM: A void where the fanfic makes entirely no sense, no matter HOW hard you try.
FALCON: Ah.
All four sisters: All right!
S.KNIGHT: But only three sisters were...
TOM: "JK" zone...
S.KNIGHT: Right, never mind.
Catsy (with hearts in her eyes): Sweatshirt Shorts is so keen!
TUXEDO (Clonus Horror guy): I think your neat!
FALCON (Clonus Horror guy): I like how keen you are!
But where did he go?
CROW: Up my...
TUXEDO: Crow!
CROW: ...nose?
TUXEDO: Better...I guess...
Rubius (in his usual attire): Somebody looking for me?
Catsy: Oh, no! No way! I'll look for you when I need somebody to sit on a bayonet!
FALCON: So Catsy's into the kinky stuff? Dude!
TUXEDO: Adam...aw, screw it. This fanfic deserves it at this point.
TOM: Such is the reaction in the "JK" zone.
Bertie: So, what are we supposed to do with this human now?
S.KNIGHT (Prisma): You gonna eat that?
(Two large rats, a white one and a black one come scampering up.)
CROW: Wha...?
TOM: Jeez, this is almost breaching the "Twin Peaks" zone!
TUXEDO: The place where any and all coherency and plot is shoved out the window?
TOM: I'm afraid so...
S.KNIGHT: Wouldn't that be classified under the "JK" zone as well?
TOM: I guess, but this is on a much more grandiose scale.
Black rat: He's not a human at all, Bertie!
White rat: Yeah! My vibes say he's really one of us, only missing the Dark Heart Crystal!
S.KNIGHT: (Stoned) Woah...dude...the rats are talking again...
Avery: Who would steal such a thing?
Prisma: Only one person I know is capable of an act like that! Sailor Io!
ALL: Bum, bum, BUUUUUUUUM!
(The rest of the gang gasps, as Sailor Io materializes in the air.)
Sailor Io: Did someone mention my name?
FALCON (Sailor Io): Whoever did, I was in the shower! I hate it when you contrive me out of the shower like that! Luckily, I was wearing a towel at the time...
Good! I will take ALL your Dark Heart Crystals!
Catsy (launching into her Flying Barbecue attack): We'll see about that!
TOM: "Flying Barbecue"?
TUXEDO: Kami-sama! Does this thing ever end?
TOM: "Flying BARBECUE"?
CROW: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder...
TOM: "FLY...I...I...NG BARB...b...b...B...b...B...BBBBBBBBBBBB..."
(Tom's head explodes once again, showering more Starburst Hard Candy everywhere.)
FALCON: Not again...
S.KNIGHT: (Sigh) I'll fix him this time. (Pulls out a new head and goes over to Tom to fix him.)
(Sailor Io is toasted to ashes, screaming.
FALCON (Catsy): Huh? I didn't even do my attack yet! I was just getting ready!
CROW: The enemy commited suicide to get out of the fanfic? Now why didn't I think of that?...
TUXEDO: Hey! No one is commiting suicide! We're all in this together!
The Dark Heart crystal drops from her grip into Welk's chest. Welk transforms back into Zoicite.)
S.KNIGHT (Zoicite): Thank you, thank you! And for my next trick, I'll pull a rabbit from my hat!
Zoicite (sitting up): I think I hear Malachite calling me!
(Zoi gets up and runs away.)
TOM (As Zoi, with new head attached): AHHHHHHHH! This is so weird! First Zoicite is turned into a monster, than there's Sweatshirt Shorts! I'm getting out of here! AHHHHH!
Prisma: How do you like that? Not even a thank you!
Catsy: Serving Queen Beryl is all the thanks I need.
FALCON (Catsy): Oh yes, that rotting pile of dead flesh gets more of my respect than all of you combined!
(Everyone stares at her in silence for a moment, then they all burst out in uproarious laughter.)
ALL: Uh...ha...haha...heh...hehehe...
SISTER SAYS:
TOM: Asistersayswhat?
CROW: What?
TOM: Right! HA HA!
CROW: Hey!
I can't think of anything worse than becoming a human.
TUXEDO: Hey, we're living it.
Unless it's becoming a human who has a TV show sponsored by Geritol. Zoicite was lucky, today, but you might not be. Always guard your Dark Heart crystal from anyone who tries to take it, because you never know what sort of hideous thing you might become without it! Sister Catsy Says! Hahahahahaha!
S.KNIGHT: The fanfic's over?
FALCON: Holy s(BLEEP)t! It is!
TOM: Get me outta here!
CROW: Finally! That was tough!
TUXEDO: I know a good way to get rid of this stress...
(All get up and exit the theater.)
(1)
(2)
(3)
(4)
(5)
(6)
@@@@@
BACK ON THE SOL
(Sailor Silver Knight is standing on a podium, with the others around her. Each has a fake guitar, except with Crow on drums.)
FALCON: Man, I could've found another way to apologize...
TUXEDO: Shut up, Adam! Okay, ready for the song?
OTHERS: Ready!
(The American Sailor Moon theme plays in the background. The others just sing over it.)
ALL: Riffing fanfics by moonlight,
Cursing them by daylight.
Never giving up without a fight,
She is the one named Silver Knight!
She is trapped in here with her friends,
Her sanity we will defend.
When she gets off, Dr. F.'s life she'll end!
She is the one named Silveeeeeeeeeerrrrr...
Alex is Tuxy!
Crow is Derian!
Tom is Dowm!
Adam is Falcon Knight!
Star Floods she'll always get right,
She is the one named Silver Knight!
(Guitar solo for a few seconds.)
Riffing fanfics by moonlight,
Cursing them by daylight
With the Heros to help make light,
She is the one named Silver Knight!
She is the one named Silver Knight!
She is the one...Silver Knight!
(All collapse, but are laughing.)
S.KNIGHT: That was fun. Thanks!
TUXEDO: Glad you liked it. Well, back to work...
@@@@@
SOL BRIDGE - LATER ON
(Tom and Crow are actually doing something productive by stacking the many pizza boxes neatly in an unused corner of the bridge. Our resident Heroes have finished looking in the last computer terminalon the bridge for flaws, and are putting it back together now.)
FALCON: Okay, so Life Support checks out. I guess that's it.
S.KNIGHT: We checked all the devices on the bridge. No broken hardware, no faulty chip sets. Not even a frayed wire!
TUXEDO: It doesn't make any sense. We looked everywhere.
CROW: I even checked out my hentai games on my Palm Pilot!
TOM: So you're the one who downloaded Panty Raider from my PC!
CROW: Well, it's not like oyu were going to play it...
TOM: OF COURSE I WAS! IT HAD "PANTY" IN THE TITLE, YOU IDIOT!
TUXEDO: GUYS!
S.KNIGHT: I really doubt that a sex game on a Palm Pilot can cause faulty hardware.
CROW: (Snicker) Sex game...faulty hardware...
(The Bots roll on the floor laughing. It is at this point the Bridge's main computer suddenly bursts into flame and short circuits. The crew jumps out of the way to save themselves, but can't help but get drenched when the sprinkler system kicks in. Afterwhich, main power shuts down leaving the entire Satellite in total darkness.)
TUXEDO: ...Houston, we have a problem...
@@@@@
DEEP 13 1/3
(Dr. Forrester is standing by a switch labeled "SOL Main Power".)
DR. F.: Finally! All that singing was giving me a headache! Anyway, now I've cut main power, everything should be ready soon...
FRANK: (Carrying something in his good arm.) Hey, Doc! Phone call! (Frank gives Dr. F. a cell phone.)
DR. F.: thanks. Hello?... (Gets a worried look on his face)...Yes...Yess, I understand...I see...don't worry, this time, I'll get them!...Right...Good-bye, Boss. (He hangs up.)
FRANK: What's wrong, Steve?
DR. F.: That was..."Him".
FRANK: (Gasps) Really?
DR.F.: (Nods) We have by next experiment to drive our subjects mad. If we fail, he'll come down here...
FRANK: Uh oh...
(Frank absentmindedly pushes the button, as the entire screen goes black.)
@@@@@
Author's Notes
Well, after a whole semester of college under my belt, it's back to work on another piece of "wunnerful" work found on the World Wide Web! (cough) Anyway, this turned out very tough to riff by the end, because it got so weird, as in "Twin Peaks" weird. But, I did my best. Any complaints? If so keep 'em to yourself, please. Heh...
The whole "changing the fanfic around" bit from earlier was NOT meant rewrite the author's original work. That's why it was in the riffer's section. The whole thing was just to make you laugh. So, please don't do anything warranting my termination, Mr. Chimera!
Next chapter is the GRIPPING SEASON FINALE! Buckle down, Bon Bon Babies, this one'll knock your socks off...
Stinger: Welk: Wunnerful! Wunnerful!