@}-----
The finger of blame has turned upon itself,
And I'm more than willing to offer myself.
Do you want my presence, or need my help?
And who knows where that might lead
Crowded House, I Fall At Your Feet.'
@}-----
Van half-woke in the pre-dawn dark with the knowledge that there was someone beside him. Merle sometimes crawled into bed with him these days, as she had done when they were both smaller and needed company in the night. She was trying hard to be brave and useful these days, to be more than the beloved little pet she had been. He didn't require it of her; he would have been glad to try to give her back her childhood, but she was purposely putting it behind her, in daylight at least. It was in the dark that her nerve sometimes failed her, and then she would join him where he slept, nestling at his side, sometimes waking him with smothering warmth in her efforts to get close, although when the perishing Fanelian winter came that would be a blessing. Poor little thing. He rolled over drowsily, laid an arm over the warm figure and drifted back into nothingness.
When the light came and he woke properly, he found Celena beside him. Her appearance there, on top of the woven bedspread that covered him, was so wrong, so misplaced, that it was almost surrealistic. She was wearing a nightdress that the housekeeper must have given her, second-hand-looking with embroidery coming unpicked at the collar. It had probably come in one of the aid packages contributed by areas less affected by the fighting. He had clothes from those packages himself; fire damage within the castle had been extensive and when he had come home he had nothing but the clothes he stood up in. The King of Fanelia wore hand-me-down trousers and shirts other people had sweated in, just like everyone else until they could get things like weaving and sewing back underway on anything more than their current running-repairs scale.
It was still a perfectly good nightdress, probably carefully washed and dried, pressed and folded by some kind mother who, despite her own misfortunes, had time to think of others who had lost more, and to send them something decent, something respectable. And it was clothing Celena Schezar, who had turned up to the kingdom she had laid waste wearing brand-new lace and ribbons. He extracted his arm from under her shoulders and gave her a push to wake her.
What are you doing here?'
She blinked at him. Even in her morning daze there was something more in the milky-blue eyes than there had been last night; some aspect of lucidity that had been wanting. Perhaps it just didn't show by moonlight. Perhaps she had good days and bad days. He knew what that was like.
I'm not sure,' she answered. I thought I came here but it was a dream. I don't remember lying down. I think I was looking for Allen but I've got an idea at the same time I was worried about you.'
I don't want you to worry about me,' he said coolly. I have people for that already. Get out of my bed.'
I'm not in, only on,' she said, but sat up, and stretched, and rubbed the back of her head where her fine hair clung in tangles, and winced as she was reminded by the stinging pressure of the injury to her right hand. She dropped it in her lap and they both saw that the blister must have wept in the night; the bandage was unravelling, damp and slightly discoloured.
Do you feel better because you hurt me back?' she asked. The intonation of her voice had changed; she did not sound confident, but she sounded more normal for her age.
If I wanted to "hurt you back" I would do much more,' he said. I'm not interested in revenge. That was just an example. Making a point.'
I think you already did everything to Dilandau that he did to you,' she said musingly. I think you got him back really well. You killed everyone who loved him, just about. You cut everything out from under him. Sometimes he could feel he was going down to nothing.'
Go on and tell yourself that,' he said. Because you're all right, aren't you? You're nicely suited. You don't have to be him any more, you get your brother back, which is a hell of a lot more than I got I got him back worse than I ever thought he was and then he had to die better than I ever thought he would; I lost him three times over.' Again, that was more than he had wanted to say.
Folken,' she said thoughtfully. Dilandau didn't like him; he'd pull him up and say stop there. He'd do that little smile and say "oh yes, this is your first time isn't it" and he always knew more than you did, he knew what was really going on but he didn't understand how things really were in the cockpit.'
I don't want to hear you talking about him.'
Anyone can talk about anyone,' she said. I think if I knew Folken I would like him. He had sad eyes and I'd wonder where he kept his hands. He was always all hidden up in his clothes, like a big black explanation mark.'
You talk such garbage,' Van said. And it's exclamation mark. You're not right in the head, anyone can tell.'
I'm right in my head. Right in where I should be.'
So you sleepwalk and crawl into men's beds. Get a good doctor. There could be a cure for it.'
I don't like sleeping alone,' she said. I get in with Allen at home but he says go back to your room, little pet. I only get to stay now if he's already sleeping. I have to wait so long by myself before I think he'll be asleep. It's so nice to be by a sleeping person all warm and heavy and they don't mind about anything. Beds are very lonely by yourself. You stretch out your arms and legs and touch the sides and it's cold at the edges.'
Get a cat.'
It would fight with Allen's owl.' She looked vaguely out the window, passing a hand over her forehead.
Will you, for the last time, get off my bed?'
No,' she said quietly, because I can't move, and I think I'm nearly gone.' She fell back on the pillow and her face was white as salt, blue eyes staring at nothing.
What? Get up. If you're trying to be dramatic it's just pathetic.' He took her by the shoulders and gave her a little shake. She felt limp, and she was hardly breathing. Oh, for goodness' sake.' He heaved her back into a sitting position, her head down between her knees. After a moment she groaned faintly, and lifted her head unsteadily.
What was that all about?' he asked gruffly, hoping it was not apparent that he had been startled.
I have I have funny turns sometimes it's like the world rushes away from me' She sat up cautiously, wiping tendrils of hair away from her forehead. Thank you for looking after me.'
I'm not looking after you. You're your brother's problem.' Since he could not seem to make her vacate the bed, short of laying hands on her in violence and in the clear light of day he did not feel right about that Van got out of it himself, with a very bad grace, partly because he was embarrassed to be seen in his crumpled, slept-in underwear. But the only reason to be embarrassed, he told himself, was if he acted as though there were anything to be embarrassed about. If he behaved as though there were nothing wrong nothing would be wrong. This was just what you got for being too proud to wear charity pajamas. He folded his arms so his chest would not feel quite so bare.
If you're not well, you can stay there. It'd be too much of a liability to have you walking around if you might keel over at any moment.' He was already going to have to do some fast talking when Allen saw that hand, and it might well turn into a matter of honour. At least he would be able to say that he had done his duty, if nothing more, as a host, once she was under his roof. He found his pants on the floor, half under the bed, and started to dress.
What happened to your nice red shirt?' Celena asked. He ignored her, retrieved the less nice mustard-yellow shirt he had worn yesterday from the bedpost, and pulled it over his head.
Why are you just putting on the same clothes and not having a bath or getting fresh ones? You're wearing the same undies as you woke up in. That's disgusting.'
He ignored her some more. What did she expect, that he would change in front of her? One of his socks was hiding from him, somewhere on the floor. He was half-prepared to swear that they crept around by themselves at night.
I wish I'd thought of bringing some clean underthings with me, but I didn't. Why are you going under the bed?'
Van backed out from the dusty underbed space on his knees, with the vagrant sock in his hand. He was not planning to say anything to her, because really nothing she was saying merited an answer as far as he was concerned, but then she laughed at him, a daft little baby laugh.
You have dustbunnies in your hair!'
Shut the hell up.' The words shot out, quick and stinging.
Her face froze, then seemed to crack, like ice on a winter puddle if you stamp on it. Her eyes filled with tears and her mouth twitched, the corners pulling back convulsively into something that was almost an inverse grin.
What are you whingeing like that for? Do you think you'll make me feel sorry for you?'
I'm I'm sorry! Sorreeee' She trailed off into miserable, hiccupy sobs, throwing herself face-down on the pillows.
When you're finished making a stupid fuss, someone will come to fix up your hand and bring you something to eat,' Van said, and stalked out of his room to attack the business of the day.
It was mid-afternoon, while he was assisting with the hauling into place of a hefty roof beam for the rebuilt market-street tavern, that he saw her again, once more in her delicate blue and white and leading a small runny-nosed girl by the hand. He swore under his breath, and left the works as quickly as he safely could to pursue them. He caught up with them at the end of the street, Celena standing rather passively while the child looked to left and right, apparently thinking about which way to go.
What d'you think you're doing?' he asked her abruptly. She turned eagerly, looking pleased to see him, which he found very exasperating. She could at least have the decency to hate him back.
Kezia's lost her mum,' she explained, sounding proud to be on top of the situation. We're looking for her. Kezia's just thinking about whether she might be at the castle where she works or if she's gone home. I told you I could help. I can do little things like this.'
Van sighed, and stepped past her to get to ragged Kezia, who was sucking the thumb of her free hand as she contemplated the dusty intersection. He dropped to one knee, to get to her eye level, and put a firm but not unkindly hand on her shoulder. She blinked at him and sniffed thickly. Van was always bothered by small children with runny noses. He was never quite sure at what age people figured out how to blow their noses properly, and whether it did any good to tell them before they were ready.
Kezia,' he said gently, you remember me, right? We had a talk the other day.'
Kezia nodded solemnly.
And you remember what I said, right? You can't keep doing this.'
Doing what?' Celena interrupted. If she's lost her mother, she's got to look for her. The poor lady will be worried.'
Van looked up at her, trying not to speak as harshly as he wanted to, since Kezia was listening too. Kezia's mother is dead. She died in the firestorm. But Kezia keeps asking people to help her look for her.' He turned back to the child, who would no longer meet his eyes, looking sulkily at her dusty bare feet. Kezia, you can't find your mum now. I'm really sorry, but she just isn't in this world any more. She's where my mum is, where good people go at the end of their lives, and when your life's over you'll see her again. Not till then.'
Kezia uncorked her thumb from her mouth. Lena said we'll find her,' she said defiantly. Lena said she'll be round here somewhere.'
Celena started to apologise again, but Van cut her off with a look. Lena doesn't know anything about it,' he said to Kezia. She just got here and she doesn't know anyone, so she didn't know about your mum. But everyone else knows, and I think you know too. I know how sad it is, but you can't change it. Your mum would want you to be brave and get on with things, not keep wasting your time looking for her. Do you understand now?'
Kezia's face had been gradually crumpling as he spoke, and she hung her head as she let go of Celena's hand, rocking from side to side. A small thin keening sound came from her working mouth, a painful dry crying that sounded far older than she was. Van felt like a despicable bully. He knew he was doing the right thing, she couldn't be allowed to go on with this fantasy, but it was terrible to see how he was hurting a little girl. Awkwardly and somewhat unwillingly, he put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a little squeeze. That made her burst into tears in earnest, and lean on his shoulder, blotting his shirt with tears and gluey snot. Van thought this was a cue to hold her tighter, but she started to pound against him with her small fists and scream, shrill and mad.
Mum! I want Mum! You're mean! I want my Mu-u-um' The screams became jagged sobs and the child relaxed in his arms. Van patted her thin back, noticing the bony wings of her shoulderblades through the undyed flax dress, feeling hopeless.
Come on, now, don't cry don't cry, Kezia you've got to be brave'
You can cry and still be brave,' Celena contradicted him. She crouched down too, letting her lace-trimmed skirt puff in the dirt. My doctor says I should cry as much as I want to. Except I try to cry by myself because it upsets Allen.'
Well, aren't you a hero. Keep your nose out of this, you've already made things worse.'
I think you're being horrible! She's got a right to be upset about her mother! My mother died while I was away. She never knew I was all right. Don't worry, Zia I know how you feel'
And I don't?' Van stared at her over Kezia's tousled head, incensed. Her name is Kezia,' he added, perhaps absurdly, but her nicknaming one of his people was one more annoyance on the pile.
Who's meant to be looking after her, anyway? Are orphans just allowed to wander round by themselves?'
She's not an orphan, she lives with her father, but in case you haven't noticed there's a lot of work to be done around here and a man can't spend all day watching his kids! The children are supposed to stay at the carpenters' guildhall, a committee of women have organised a crêche there. Kezia keeps wandering off, and someone always has to take her back, and it's a waste of time for everyone, and it gets her het up all over again, and you had to go and give her false hope interfering. Why couldn't you just stay put?'
I got bored,' Celena said, and her tone was almost a whine. And your cat girl kept hanging round making sarcastic comments and she pinched one of my shoes and it took ages to get it back off her. And I wanted to help.'
You want to know how you can help? You want me to tell you something that'd really, really help me?'
Oh, yes!'
Drop dead.' The smashed ice-puddle again, as though he had struck down with his heel. He didn't have time to find that satisfying. No no, Kezia, I wasn't talking to you no, please don't start crying again look, I got cross, I didn't really mean it.'
You should say sorry!' Kezia said, and gave him another thump on the shoulder to drive the point home. Then she dragged her forearm across her face, smudging the grey snail-trail over her upper lip and onto her cheek. Van winced.
All right. All right. Sorry, Celena.'
Thank you,' she said graciously, then spoiled it by adding You see, when someone tells me they're sorry I accept it.'
Van bit back the words that rose in his mouth and gently levered Kezia away from himself so he could stand up without toppling her over. Come on, Kezia,' he said, we'll go back to the hall now.' He tried to take the little girl's hand, but she wormed away from him and hooked her arm around the neck of Celena, still crouching.
I'm only going if Lena says.'
Kezia, I'm your king.' It sounded ludicrous to have to pull rank like that.
He is, Kezia you should do what he says,' Celena said helpfully.
I don't need you to back me up,' Van said coldly. But it seemed to have done the trick. Kezia held out her hand to him, quite co-operatively, but when he took a step she refused to follow, standing still and holding out her other hand to Celena, who had risen to her feet. Celena looked at Van as though asking for permission, but then, and this was what irked him, went ahead and took the offered hand, as though she were only paying lip service, or maybe it should be eye service, to his authority. At least, he thought with some satisfaction, she had got stuck with the nose-wiping hand. They walked toward the carpenters' guildhall linked by Kezia's warm, sticky little paws. Oddly, she seemed to be cheering up now, and in the street outside the hall insisted that they give her a swing between them. Van went along with this because he did not feel like dealing with another spate of crying, while Celena obliged gladly and laughed at the sight of Kezia kicking her legs in the air.
They returned Kezia to the care of the guild women's committee. One of the women in charge was, in fact, her aunt, and received her with a combined hug and swat on the bottom. Van was gratefully and humbly thanked for taking the time and trouble to bring her in, and the thanks were extended to Celena when Kezia, tugging on her aunt's skirt, insisted that she had helped too. Once more Van decided to keep the peace by taking the path of least resistance. Besides, explaining the real situation would take a long time and upset good people needlessly.
Once they were out of the guildhall he took hold of Celena's arm, a firm grip above the elbow, and began to steer her in the direction of the castle. She seemed quite good-tempered and he wondered whether she was simply brainlessly oblivious to his feelings about her or choosing to disregard them.
I think it's lovely that you know the names of little children in your kingdom,' she volunteered halfway up Carpenters Street.
There aren't a lot of people,' he said shortly. It's not that hard to learn people's names.'
I think it shows you care about all of them.'
Of course I care about all of them,' he said, almost losing his stride. They're my people. What else am I here for? I'd be a pretty poor sort of king if I didn't.'
I know,' she said, I was saying it's good, you're doing a good job. I like your way better than King Aston. He just sits in his palace. He doesn't know my name. I think Princess Millerna is like you, though. She tries to see everyone. She remembers me too.'
And if people are nice to you they must be all right.'
You don't have to be be' She looked puzzled, frowning. What's that word when you say something in a snotty voice and it's the opposite of what you mean?'
Sarcastic? What are you talking about? You said sarcastic a few minutes ago. You said Merle was being sarcastic.'
Did I? I knew it then? Why don't I know it now?' Her voice was plaintive, as though she really thought he might be able to tell her.
Don't ask me.'
But but you're nice to me too.'
What are you babbling about now?'
Because because look, you're holding my arm, not my hand, so you wouldn't hurt me on my burn,' she said, wiggling the hand at the end of the arm he was gripping, the one with a clean new bandage. Now that he thought about it, she had kept that hand away from Kezia's grasp. It must still be painful. He felt a twist of guilt about that.
I gave you that burn,' he said. Unless you've forgotten that too.'
But you don't want to hurt me any more,' she said, sounding sure she was right. Because you're a nice person. You don't like hurting anyone. You do it when you get mad, only.'
You're good at making excuses for people.' He was marching her up the hill now, on the final approach to the castle. Merle was waiting, sitting atop the gatepost, and sprang down to run to meet him.
Van-sama!' She caught hold of his free arm and swung from it, hugging it with both her own arms and butting her russet head against his shoulder. I didn't think you'd be back so early! Did she make trouble?' She directed a sharp glare around the front of him at Celena, who looked indignant. Merle put her tongue out at the other girl and then beamed up at Van.
Hey,' Van said, don't you be cheeky.' His tone was affectionately scolding, and Merle continued to smile impudently.
I've had a busy morning,' she said, importantly. I've kept an eye on the men putting new tiles on the roof of the west wing. They said I was getting in the way but I told them I was there to make sure everything went right for you.'
Good girl.'
Oh, so she's a good girl but I'm interfering?' Celena asked.
She lives here and knows what's going on,' Van said. She doesn't stick her nose in where it's not wanted.'
What did she do?' Merle asked eagerly. I bet it was bad.'
I was trying to help!' Celena protested. She tugged her arm out of Van's hand; he had not expected her to be able to do that, but she was a little stronger than she looked. It's not my fault it went wrong. If you would just have given me a proper job I wouldn't have had to walk round looking for something to do.' She rubbed the yellow-white pressure-mark his fingers had left until it bloomed pink.
You shouldn't have been walking round,' Van told her, unless you were faking sick this morning. When your brother turns up you're not going to be able to tell him I let you exhaust yourself. I sent the letter off this morning, so it shouldn't take too long.'
I'm sure she was faking,' Merle said loftily, she's obviously as strong as an ox. She's not very feminine. Look, she walks like a boy. She swings her arms.'
Celena caught herself and tried to find something else to do with her hands without looking as though that were what she was doing. She ended up clasping them behind her back.
She's as weird as Hitomi,' Merle went on.
That's not fair to Hitomi,' Van observed dryly.
I'm sure Hitomi wouldn't be this rude to me,' Celena snapped. My brother was very fond of her and I expect that means she had some manners.'
You don't know the first thing about Hitomi,' Van said, so don't go assuming things.' They were inside the castle gates now, the sentries saluting him as they entered, and into the big courtyard, always busy and never more so, with all the bustle of reconstruction. There were always plenty of people needing the King's attention, and Van was swiftly buttonholed by one of the newly promoted generals of Fanelia's decimated army. The man in question had been only a major before, and tended to feel he needed to refer to as many other people as possible before deciding anything. Van was nodding politely and trying to think of something helpful he could say about the problem of maintaining disciplinary standards without things like uniforms to create a sense of order when there was a small outcry behind him, and Merle called his name urgently. He turned to find Celena on the ground, on her hands and knees on the rush-strewn earth of the courtyard, shaking.
She just went all white,' Merle reported.
Oh, for goodness' sake,' Van said, she'll be fine in a moment. I've seen this before. Come on, get up.' He took hold of both Celena's wrists and hauled up, noticing with a little annoyance that her bandage was now all dirty and would need to be changed, making more work for someone who was probably busy anyway. Celena was not coming up. She hung from his hands with her head rolling loosely. Merle put a hand under her chin and tilted her face up; her eyes were half-closed and only the whites showed. It was not an appealing sight. She seemed unconscious.
Suppressing an exclamation of annoyance, unable to suppress a grunt of effort, Van got his shoulder under her and hauled her up in a sort of fireman's lift. It is really not easy to lift someone that way who is a bit taller than you. He was afraid someone was going to offer to help him. He did not want to be seen to need help.
I'll take her up to her room,' he said, as distinctly as he could, and started up the stairs that led off from the courtyard, Merle padding anxiously in his wake.
Celena surfaced from dizzy darkness to find that she was lying on her back on a bed somewhere. A moment's puzzled thought brought her to the conclusion that it was the same spare room in the Fanelian castle where she had been put to sleep last night. Someone was holding her right hand, the blistered one, and she wanted to tell them to be careful, but her mind was now catching up with events and she realised that they were; very careful. She turned her head to look, and saw Van Fanel putting a new dressing on the burn. He was not a very tidy bandager but he was doing a respectable job, concentrating with a frown. Over his shoulder, she could see Merle sitting on the windowsill, also frowning, but at Celena herself, not just her hand.
She's awake,' Merle reported. Van looked up from his work, tucking the end of the bandage in at her wrist.
You're to stay in bed now,' he said, without preamble. If you're going to keep fainting all over the place you can do it where you won't fall and hurt yourself.'
Thank you.'
I should think so,' Merle said. After all he's done for you! And he doesn't have to do any of it. He's too kind for his own good sometimes.'
I know he's kind,' Celena began to say, but Van made an impatient cutting-off gesture with one hand. That made her notice that he was not wearing gloves today. It looked all wrong, and she was surprised it had not occurred to her sooner. She wished she had new ones to offer him.
There was a quietly respectful tap at the door. Van went to it, glad of the opportunity to move away from Celena. He was worried about her hand; the blister was broken and the skin around it seemed to have gotten more inflamed. He had decided to dress it himself so as not to put the chore onto anyone else, but he thought soon he would have to ask a doctor to have another look. He did not want her telling him he was kind. There must be something wrong with her if she thought like that.
In the corridor the court falconer was waiting for him. This man was also in charge of the new carrier-pigeon system put in place at Princess Millerna's suggestion, to facilitate communication between Fanelia and its neighbours. Since most of his birds had either escaped in terror or been burned in their mews, and he was only gradually rebuilding his collection, it gave him something to take his mind off his troubles. Asturian homing-pigeons were nothing much compared with Fanelian hawks and falcons, but they were something to take care of. He was always recognisable by his epaulettes of guano.
We just had a bird in, Van-sama,' he said, holding his hat in one hand and extending the other with a slip of rolled paper in the palm. Response to your message last night.'
Van felt mildly surprised. He had thought that Allen would come directly, responding to the message in person. It was quite a big slip, too; the pigeon must be knackered. He thanked the falconer and unrolled the paper to read it. The curly handwriting was certainly not Allen's. His eyes skipped to the signature, then back to the start to see why Millerna had written to him.
Dear V.F, (she was writing small, to conserve space, and her script was hard to read in places. She had also tried to conserve words, which made it worse) most relieved to get your msg. Am caring for A.S. laid low with relapse of malaria (first contracted on service in swamps) and v. worried about C.S. Looked much better as soon as he heard C. in safe hands, expect easier recovery. Can't come for her now, pls. keep her few days more, will be v. grateful. Hope no trouble. Regards, Millerna Aston.
The whole message struck him as odd, so brisk and efficient, and yet she'd dotted all her lower-case I's with hearts. Still, that was Millerna for you. Or not so efficient, because why in the world couldn't she send someone to collect Celena? Allen's sergeant Gaddes would be an obvious choice. Unless he was not well either; she didn't say so, but it was reasonable to suppose that they might have had malaria together, and might have a relapse at the same time. Malaria! What a time for it! So here he was stuck with Celena for well, for however long it took someone to shake off a relapse of swamp fever.
Is there any reply?' the falconer asked, noting the gloomy expression that had settled on Van's face. It's not bad news, is it?'
Only rather inconvenient,' he replied, crumpling the paper. I don't need to respond. Just wait till I hear from them again, I suppose. Thank you that's all for now.' The falconer nodded, put his hat back on and left, absent-mindedly brushing at his shoulder. Van stood irresolute in the corridor for a moment, squashing the paper into a pellet, before returning to the spare bedroom. Celena was sitting up in bed, looking rather rosier, perhaps merely because she was obviously having an argument with Merle.
He could not,' Merle was saying indignantly.
I tell you he could, if it was a fair fight.'
Are you saying Van-sama doesn't fight fair!?'
I'm saying he's got an advantage in Escaflowne. In a hand-to-hand fight, just the two of them with swords, my brother could so beat him.'
You couldn't beat him,' Merle said with immense scorn.
That's not the point!'
Stop it, the both of you,' Van said, feeling weary. Celena, I've just had word that your brother can't come for you right away. He's ill, so you'll have to stay here a while longer.'
Ill? Oh no what's the matter? I I didn't make him sick by going away, did I? Don't people sometimes get sick from a shock? Di Dilandau got sick when he was upset about' She let the thread drop.
Millerna says he's got a relapse of malaria.'
What does that mean?'
It's a swamp fever. You can get better from it, but it sort of hangs around in your system and sometimes it comes back. He should be all right, since he'll be well cared for - he'll just feel really sick for a few days.'
But he shouldn't have to be sick all by himself! I was sick when I first got home, I had an awful fever and he stayed with me all the time and did cold compresses and told me when I was only dreaming and he'll need me there!' She made an agitated attempt to get out of bed, and was pushed back by Merle, who had descended from her windowsill to argue better.
He wants you to stay here,' Van went on. Apparently he's relieved that you're in a safe place. I expect you'll be in a lot of trouble when you do go home. And he's not alone; Princess Millerna is looking after him.'
I hope my doctor is too,' Celena said earnestly. My doctor's a very good doctor.' She had lost her colour again and was picking miserably at the edge of her quilt.
Hey, don't worry,' Merle said, with some sympathy. She saved his life once already, so she's had some practice and it should be easier this time.' Celena looked a little comforted.
And of course, Van thought, the last time he needed her to save him, it was because your Dragonslayers had attacked him. You're poison to your brother. Although this would have been an excellent and hurtful thing to say, he found himself holding back. It seemed dishonourable to use a powerful weapon on such a weak enemy. Though she should know all about that.
And I can stay here until Allen's feeling better?'
So it seems,' Van said. But from now on I expect you to behave yourself. You're not fit to look after yourself. You're childish.'
Her eyes narrowed in a way that made him quite uncomfortable. I'm not that childish,' she said, and as she spoke it seemed true, but then that nebulous, uncertain look leaked back in, and she looked as though she was not sure what she had just said.
Oh, don't make a fuss,' said Merle. Stay in bed. Whether you're childish or not you're not well, and you need to sleep.' Van found himself tempted to smile at her bossy tone; that was the nice thing about Merle, the lovely thing. He could depend on her to lighten his mood, even while she was one of the worries that weighed on him.
He made a conscious effort to clear his mind of those worries before talking to Hitomi. He knew, because she had told him so seriously, that their feelings could strongly affect any exercise of psychic power; the effects could ripple outward, like circles in still water where you drop a stone, and touch things that seemed unrelated, lapping against dangerous shores and stirring up currents in deep places. He waited until he felt calm, sitting in a quiet place on one of the pantiled rooves of the palace, bathed in the pinkish light of the sinking sun, gently rolling the cool teardrop-shaped stone of the pendant between his palms until it was as warm as his blood.
Then he began to build up his picture of her, in his mind. He did this slowly, because he enjoyed it; there was a meticulous pleasure in calling up every dearly-remembered detail. Not only the obvious idiosyncrasies, like the demure way she clasped her hands before her, and the tufty cowlick at the crown of her head, but things you didn't know you were noticing until you really thought about it, the way her eyes reflected light, the subtle self-smell of her hair. He carefully pencilled in the strokes of her eyebrows, and there she was, complete. No no, wait, her legs were not quite so thin a tiny bit more of a dip in her back perfect Hitomi. His idea of her body was like a paper-doll outline, of course, and apart from a few very private midnight speculations, he felt shy about building on that.
In fact, thinking of that put a little tremor in his breathing that he conscientiously smoothed away before reaching out to touch her mind. He always felt the way cautiously, and would withdraw quickly if he found her preoccupied. But she seemed to be at rest, receptive, so he went the little way further necessary to make her know he was there, and to know with more certainty where she was and what she was doing.
He found her in her own room of her family's house, dreamily biting a pencil and vaguely contemplating the homework questions in a world history textbook. He would rather have liked to read some of it through her eyes, just out of curiosity about her world, but he only had time to wonder about a picture of a soldier shaking his fist at a stormy sky before he had Hitomi's full attention.
Van! How are you?
Fine thank you how are you?
The feeling, not the sound, of a laugh. Next I think we should comment on the weather.
All right telepathy etiquette but you know I don't know unless I ask.
That's probably a good thing. Or we'd never have any privacy. I don't mean well, you know
I know. It was not right to say that there was an awkward silence, because they were not speaking aloud, but there was a pause during which, if they had been face to face, they would probably have looked at the floor, or the ceiling, or developed an intense interest in the state of the toes of their shoes. It was the sort of silence you wanted desperately to fill up by saying something clever, which you felt absolutely unable to do.
Celena Schezar's here, he told her, for lack of inspiration.
Allen's sister? What's she like?
A pain in the neck.
Really? She doesn't still behave like Dilandau, does she?
No I suppose that's something but I've got to put up with her for a few days yet, what with one thing and another, and she's getting on my nerves.
What does she do?
Well, she she follows me round, and she keeps saying she's sorry, and she wants to help. And she's kind of weak, she keeps fainting.
Hitomi's lack of response had a faint disapproving flavour to it, as though he could see her frowning slightly. If she's sorry, and she wants to help, isn't that a good thing?
I don't really want to talk about it.
Why did you bring it up?
I don't know, I didn't know what to say. Has anything interesting been happening to you?
Oh, yes there's a big interschool track meet in a few days. I've never qualified for anything at this level before, and I'm really excited. Yukari told Amano-sempai about it when she emailed him, and he phoned all the way from England just to wish me luck and give me some tips. She keeps teasing me about stealing her boyfriend, and saying there's no cake I can buy her to make up for this one. She's such a nut.
Oh well, that's good isn't it? You're happy with that? The terms she used were so foreign. It really reminded him that although they could somehow understand each other, they spoke different languages. Track meet' sounded as though it should mean something like crossroads,' but it was something you qualified for, some event what did you do to someone if you phoned them or emailed them? Was that mail like messages or mail like armour, or another unrelated word that just had the sound of mail' in it? He didn't feel able to ask, didn't want to admit the barrier of misunderstanding was there. He wanted to understand the things that were important to her. Her tone told him that this was, but it was a mystery to him.
Yes, it's good. I mean, I'm not expecting to win any races my first time, but it's good experience, and maybe I can make second or third. One thing I learned on Gaea was how to run like I meant it. It's made a lot of difference to my form.
It's a meeting for running races?
Yes oh, I'm sorry, you wouldn't know! It's like a big tournament of running. The whole track club go together, the ones who aren't racing as well, to cheer the runners on I've always just been cheering before
That's great. Good for you!
Thank you
Another silence.' Van could feel the distance between their minds, growing to match the physical distance between their worlds. He wanted to tell her everything that was going on, but it would all take so long to explain, and from his own example, he was beginning to doubt that she would understand. Their conversations were more and more like this. At first he had told her everything he did and saw and thought, pouring it out, but he had put so much time into it that it made him behind in his work, and when he admitted as much to Hitomi she said it was giving her the same trouble, so they had cut back, and he had begun to get behind in the account of his days, and the more behind he got the harder it was to catch up, and the less certain he felt that it was worth telling her anyway. What would it mean to her that the weirs in the river had been rebuilt, or that they were getting in an expert from Freid to get them started with some paddy-fields, since rice looked like a good crop and they might as well do something with all these hillsides? She would be pleased for his sake, as he was pleased for hers with this track thing, but her interest would be only for his sake, almost duty, almost politeness.
How could this be happening? He loved her. He knew he did. He could feel his love like a cool breeze sweetening a miserable muggy night, like the other side of the pillow that offers you a healing sleep, like the gentle hand that slips in and curls its fingers around yours, soft but strong. Knowing he loved her should make everything work right. Surely they were past the time when they could mess it up. But in that case, why didn't he know what to do?
Van
Yes?
There's something I want to ask you
Go on
Well, I've got this friend this isn't one of those times when you say I've got this friend' and you're talking about yourself it's this boy in my class. He's called Takashi. You'd probably like him, he's really nice. He's asked me if I want to go out for ice-cream with him this Sunday afternoon.
Pause.
I want to ask if it's all right with you for me to go. Do you mind? Because I don't want to go if you don't want me to.
Why wouldn't I want you to go?
Well, it would be a date.
You're not talking about dried fruit, are you?
No no, it's when you spend the day with someone you set that date aside for them it... if they ask you, it means they like you.
And if you say yes, it means you like them?
Pause.
Well, then, you should definitely go.
Van, I didn't mean it like that don't be hurt
I'm not at all hurt. I think it's a good idea. You'll have fun, won't you?
Well I hope so
I'm sure I don't want to spoil anything for you.
Van! You do so mind! I won't go, then I only wanted to ask!
But you want to go, or you wouldn't have asked in the first place. If you didn't, you would have said no thank you to Taki-thingy without needing to ask me.
You do know I'm always thinking about you, don't you?
And I'm always thinking about you. So I honestly don't care who you're friends with. Yukari, Amano, Taki, whoever.
Takashi.
Takashi, then. We'll still feel the same way, right?
Of course. Of course! I'll never forget you. I told you I'll never forget you.
I'll talk to you tomorrow, maybe.
All right do you have to go right now?
Yes you were busy, I think I shouldn't keep you, and there's really things I've got to do. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Van take care of yourself
Van opened his eyes. The pink light of sunset was gone, and the air was growing cool. He looked down at the town, at the faint glows of lamplight and candlelight in the windows. They were not the only things glowing; fireflies were dancing in the night air, tiny golden lights, enchanting. It was difficult to see that they were beautiful in his current mood. He was trying very hard not to hope that someone he had never met called Takashi would suddenly be stricken down by gout or measles or something, and stop sniffing around other people's well, people who were important to other people. Van knew it wasn't fair of him. It wasn't reasonable. Just as he didn't know about Takashi, Takashi didn't know about him. Hitomi could not exactly go around telling people there was someone on another world who cared for her. They would think she was mad. He had no right to deprive her of being a normal girl of her place and time. But still!
She liked someone else.
There was a soft step behind him, and then Merle was settling herself at his side, leaning her warm little head on his shoulder. He pressed his own cheek against her soft auburn hair and they sat together in silence for some time, watching the stars gradually appear as the sky darkened from deep dusky blue to velvet black.
To Be Continued