Millerna closed the door to Allen's room and permitted herself the sigh of exasperation she had been holding back the whole time she had been in there. She was beginning to wonder if she was cut out for medicine at all. But she had committed herself to this case, and she would not be at all happy with herself if she palmed it onto someone else just because it was so tiresome. She looked at the upside-down nurse's watch pinned on her blouse and made her way along the corridor to the next bedroom.
The Schezar family home must once have hosted memorable house-parties. It had far more guest bedrooms than you could imagine recent generations ever needing. At least they were convenient now, when Allen's men all seemed to have gotten sick at once, and the city hospitals still had very little room to spare. Doctors were also very busy, and although she was still unqualified, the royal family's surgeon had been glad to let her take charge of their care with his occasional supervision. The only doctor she could find that Allen had had any business with recently was a specialist in children's disorders and disturbances, and his services had been devoted to Celena. So it had come down to her, and of course she didn't shirk the responsibility, but the occasional sigh and gripe were necessary to relieve her feelings.
In the next bedroom was Gaddes. When she and her assistant nurse had first put him to bed there, he had been in no condition to take much notice of his surroundings, but now that he was feeling slightly better he had made a few jokes about being a cuckoo in the nest, and how it was a shame he never got such luxury except when he was feeling too rotten to appreciate it. He seemed to be feeling quite rotten now, having just made the transition from feeling much too cold to feeling much too hot. He had made an effort to kick off his blankets, succeeding mainly in tangling them around his legs, and was sitting up making a very shaky effort to pour himself a glass of water from the bedside pitcher. As Millerna approached the bedside he gave up and let her take the jug from his hand.
It's pathetic,' he said hoarsely. I'm as shaky as a newborn foal.' He accepted the glass she held out, but nearly dropped it, so that she had to catch hold of it again and tilt it for him as he took a few sips. Millerna watched him closely. His eyes still had a fever-brightness and his skin was unhealthily flushed and damp, but she thought he looked slightly better than he had a few hours ago, and she was not seriously worried about him.
You're going to be all right,' she assured him. You'll be as strong as ever in a wee while. I've brought you your medication, and once you've had that you must try to sleep. It's past eight o'clock.'
Thank you,' he said, making another effort to take the medicine-glass. This time Millerna did not try to let go of it.
It's all right,' she said. Just let me help you. I'm just like any other nurse.'
Are they all secretly princesses, then?' He smiled rather weakly, but swallowed the medicine.
It's rather a relief to have a patient who makes a bit of an effort, anyway,' Millerna said as she straightened his pillows. Were you there the first time Allen had this? And was he this pathetic? He was so brave and stoic when he was injured, but now!'
Well, I think it's different for him,' Gaddes said, after another drink of water. When you get hurt, especially in a battle well, you've got to keep being strong about it. And the time we all got it in the swamp, he held it all together at first. He was one of the last ones to get sick and even as he was coming down with it he was staggering round trying to make sure other people were okay. Some of the rest of us were getting better by then, and we told him to bugger off to bed before he dropped dead, and let us worry about it. And he just went' He trailed off.
Pathetic?' Millerna suggested crisply. Whining all the time? Complaining that his pillows are too soft, or too thick, or the room's too bright, or that he'd like shaved ice instead of crushed ice in his water, and could he have a straw to drink through, and please don't talk, his head aches, and if you have to leave him for five minutes longer than you said you would he says you don't care about him and he could have died and he feels terrible and no-one loves him and he probably will die and no-one will care?'
We used to just say "absolutely, you're right, get on with it,"' Gaddes said. He'll get over it. He was very sheepish afterwards. We just decided not to mention it again. I don't think you can count how a man talks when he's got a fever against him.'
Now that he knows his sister is all right he seems to feel he can relinquish all pretence of maturity,' Millerna said. I really am seeing a quite different side of him. Open your mouth.' Gaddes opened obediently and she put a thermometer under his tongue. Close.' While she waited for a minute to elapse she straightened up the bed and folded the blankets so that he could easily pull them up when he wanted them again. The thermometer reading confirmed that Gaddes' temperature was still high, but lower than it had been in the morning.
There we are,' she said, showing him the little line of mercury. Hurrah for quinine. Modern medicine will pull you through yet.'
I don't feel that hot,' Gaddes said. I feel bloody cold now. Sorry.' He was beginning to shiver, although he was still sweating.
Oh, I've heard worse when Father loses at bridge,' Millerna said cheerfully. Let's get you tucked in again. Your fever will probably break sometime tonight, and after that you'll be much more comfortable.'
Maybe then I'll start whining too,' he said, probably smiling, although it was hard to see now that he was tugging the covers up around his ears, and she could hear his teeth chattering.
Don't you dare. That is a royal command.'
Van woke in the dark of the night, when the moon had set, with the feeling that something was amiss. He was alone in his room, just as when he had fallen asleep. The door was closed, the shutters, in accordance with their name, were shut, and the only sound was his own breathing. He raised his head, and stayed half-sitting, propped up on his elbows, for perhaps half a minute before another sound came to him, also of breathing; the long shaky inhalation of someone who is trying to pull themselves together and stop crying. It came from outside the door, and it did not work. It was followed by very small, half-smothered sobs, and now that his waking ears heard them Van knew that they were what had called him out of sleep.
He sat up, trying to think what was appropriate to do. If it were Merle crying, he didn't even have to think about it; he would put his arms around her and rub behind her ears and smooth her hair, and tell her quietly not to worry, he would always look after her. But he knew what Merle sounded like weeping; these sobs were too low-pitched to be hers. Who would be crying outside his door? Did it even have anything to do with him? Should he do anything, or would it be more tactful to let whoever it was have their little cry and leave undisturbed? It could be embarrassing if he got it wrong.
But if whoever it was needed attention, it was far worse to leave them alone. He rolled out of bed, put his trousers on for the sake of respectability, and opened the door.
Because there was no moonlight, and because he was looking into an internal corridor without windows anyway, it was very dark out there, and at first he could only distinguish a pale shape piled on the floor. Then it stirred in a way that was recognisably human, and then a twist of the shadow, or some tiny bit of light refracted by an eye, told him it was Celena.
Please don't be angry with me,' she said, and if he hadn't known her by the voice the sentiment would have clinched it.
What are you doing out there? What's wrong with you? Were you sleepwalking or something?' He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, trying to think clearly.
I walked here in a dream. I knew where I was but I was dreaming at the same time. I dreamed you were in trouble and I wanted to help you, but when I got here your door was shut and I knew you didn't want me to, and I I got confused and' She doubled over again, hiding her face in her hands.
Oh, for God's sake' Van sat down on the floorboards himself, and put his head in his hands for a moment. I'm too sleepy to get angry. I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of her being so weird. If I could figure out why she behaves this way, it wouldn't bother me nearly as much.
He said so, and Celena looked up in surprise, as well as he could judge in this light.
I didn't know you didn't know,' she said.
How am I supposed to know? You talk nonsense half the time. I don't know if you know why you do what you do. I mean, why in the world would you come creeping to me at night? There's a whole castle full of people!'
I know you.'
You know I don't like you!'
But I like you.'
What for? That's stupid! What have I ever done to make you like me? The first thing I did when you got here was burn your hand! I've never done anything nice for you that I didn't have to! Can't you tell when look, can't you even have the decency to hate me properly?' The sentence sounded strange to him even as it was leaving his lips, but he could think of no other way to say what he meant.
Celena was silent for a long moment, and he began to wonder if she would say anything at all.
Why do you want me to hate you? I don't want to.'
It's not that I want you to. I just don't see why you don't.'
Just because I used to be Dilandau?' She went on before he could answer. But if I hated all Dilandau's enemies I would have to hate Allen too, and I love Allen. I can't not love him. I don't I mean when there's someone who Dilandau really hated, I feel like I should try to like them more, to make up for it. It's sort of he hated you so much, there must be something good about you.' There was almost a laugh in her voice, an uneasy one.
That's one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.'
But it's why.'
So you just like me on principle?'
' Celena raised a hand to fiddle with her hair, as though she were embarrassed. I like you because you look nice, too, and you're very kind like you were to Kezia and you said you didn't do anything for me that you didn't have to, but I don't think you had to do any of it. You could have left me out in the woods. I think you would have if you really really hated me.'
But I hurt you! I burned you!'
I think I think if you were glad you did that you'd have done it some more. But you keep trying to make it better. You keep looking after me. I keep feeling like you're in trouble and I want to look after you back.'
Don't you even mind about your hand?'
There was a little pause before she answered. That wasn't a nice thing to do. But I won't be angry with you if you'll not be angry with me any more.'
That's not an even swap,' Van said, but he said it more gently than he had been accustomed to speak to her. But I'll say I'm sorry. I regret hurting your hand. It was cruel.' He offered her his hand to shake, as though it were some sort of gentlemen's agreement. When she took it he felt that the bandage was dry, which was a relief. He had been afraid the burn would get infected and seep what a revolting thought. But it seemed all right.
This doesn't hurt, does it?'
No. It's nice when you hold my hand.'
Van let go as though her hand itself could burn him. I didn't mean it that way!' Now the fire had gotten into his cheeks. Thank goodness it was dark. Thank goodness no-one else had heard her say that!
What way?' She sounded honestly puzzled. Friends hold hands, don't they? Allen holds my hand.'
He's your brother, it's different!'
' Celena paused thoughtfully. Oh, I know what you mean. Is that why you got so panicky about me being in your bed too? Please don't worry. I won't try to do anything to you.'
I didn't think you would!' Van was close to panic. Everything either of them said made him more embarrassed, and somehow Celena being so matter-of-fact about it made it worse. I thought'
Did you think I thought you were trying to do something to me? Why would I think that when you said you don't like me?'
Even if I did like you I wouldn't just try to "do things to you",' Van said miserably. I've got better manners than that.'
I think you've got very good manners, if you consider holding a girl's hand a bit forward.' It was one of the times when she sounded startlingly sharp, and rather amused, as though she were a good deal older than him. Of course, when you're together alone in the dark'
Stop it!'
I'm just teasing you.'
Well, it's very creepy and I wish you'd pick a personality and stick with it. It's the middle of the night. You should be in your own bed asleep. It's ridiculous to sit around in a corridor in your nightie. Go on.' He hoped he didn't sound as flustered as he felt.
I can't remember the way back,' she said plaintively, and suddenly her voice was a child's again. She could have been Merle or even Kezia.
Van sighed. Come on. I'll show you.'
I'm not sure I can follow you in the dark. Can I hold your hand again without it being creepy?'
All right, all right.' He led her through the night-time castle, tracing the path to the room that was temporarily hers. At one point they heard the sound of a sentry, approaching along a corridor that crossed the end of the one they were in like the bar of a T. Van pulled Celena into the shadow of a dented suit of armour that stood against the wall and hushed her. They waited while the footsteps faded.
Why are you hiding from a guard in your own castle?' Celena whispered once the man was out of earshot and they had begun to move again.
Because it would be a pain in the neck explaining what we're doing up,' Van said.
Why, do you think he's going to growl at you? You're the King!'
Oh, shut- shush. Here's your room.'
Thank you for looking after me again.'
Van was about to let go of Celena's hand when she fell against him, one hand grabbing at his shoulder. For a moment he was horribly startled, but as her body sagged he realised she was having another of her fainting spells, and was able to become all practicality, bearing her up and helping her into the bedroom. He had to more or less drop her on the bed, and bent over her patting at her face.
Come on, Celena, look alive. Not time to go to sleep yet.'
She groaned, and her eyes flickered open.
I wish you'd give me some warning before you do that,' Van said, sitting down beside her. You have to go and be dramatic every time.'
I don't get any warning,' Celena said, sitting up, rubbing her face. Oh, I hate that! I feel as though I'm disappearing. As though I'm going down to nothing. I'm all alone in the dark'
Fifteen is a bit old to be afraid of the dark.'
You're more alone in the dark. And I'll be sixteen in Red.'
I'm not sixteen till White next year.'
I didn't know I was older than you.'
Don't worry, no-one would guess,' he said wryly.
I suppose I really should stay in bed,' Celena said. I wish I was well. I'm so useless.'
Now that,' said Van, is called fishing for compliments. You're saying it because you want me to say you're not useless. Which I won't.'
Do you think I could grow out of it? Or am I going to be like this forever? I can't tell. I think I've gotten better since I changed back. But then some days I just feel so nothingy'
I don't know.' Van did not want Celena to confide in him. She seemed to think he was friendlier than he felt, that they had some sort of new understanding when as far as he was concerned they had only reached a state of truce.
Will you stay here until I go to sleep? Please? I can go to sleep properly if there's someone else there. If I go to sleep while you're here I don't think I'll try to come to your room again. Please?'
All right, all right. Just get into bed. Anything to stop you roaming about.'
Celena scrambled under the covers with grateful haste, and settled herself with a comfortable little sigh.
You shake it off pretty fast,' Van commented. The fainting. You seem all right now.'
Because I've pushed it back,' Celena said. It sneaks up on me, but once I know it's there I can push it back and squash it down. Or maybe the me who it beat sort of sinks down and another one comes up stronger. I feel like there's lots of different mes inside. Some of them are very small and faraway, and some of them are big and strong, and some are very scared, and some think it's all funny they take turns being at the top. But all of them like you. Some of them are cross with you and some of them want you to be cross with them, but all of them are sorry. Does that make sense? I don't think it does. When I go down to nothing it's like' Her voice faded, and she twisted under the covers, curling herself into a ball and hugging the pillow with one arm.
It makes me think of a story,' she said, and her voice was a little softer, a little deeper. It makes me think of something I remember from Dilandau. All his memories are still here, and I can remember them if I try. But mostly they're down underneath all the different Celenas. There's only one Dilandau so all of us together outweigh him. Once upon a time Folken-sama talked to the Dragonslayers, all of them together. Dilandau sat down on a chair with the rest of them, not up on his lion throne, because he had to listen too, though he didn't want to. He was bored. Folken-sama showed them his two arms, his born arm and his made arm, his skin arm and his tin arm. He told them that he lost his old arm and the new one was put on him, and something very strange happened.
His arm wasn't there any more. He didn't tell them what happened to it, and I still don't know, but it was gone off his body. His eyes told him it wasn't there, and the new metal arm was. But the part of his brain that did feelings thought his arm was still there. It was an underneath part of his mind and it didn't take messages from his thoughts. It thought his arm was still there and had had a terrible accident and he could still feel it hurting all the time. He could feel its shape and its fingers. It was like a ghost inside and around the metal arm, a ghost screaming at him. The doctors call it phantom pain.
Folken told them to show them how pain isn't real. It's only an idea a part of your mind gets, and the thinking part of your mind can say no to it. You can make yourself keep going. You can't let it stop you. And when you do that, in the end it will go away. Dilandau thought it was a boring story. He wasn't worried about getting hurt. He didn't believe he ever would. When I remember that story I feel very sad for Folken. I wish I could hold his hand and keep him company. I wouldn't be afraid of his claws. But I do get very scared when I think of what he said about a ghost haunting his arm. He was just explaining how it felt, but sometimes I think that's what's wrong with me. A ghost is haunting my body. I can feel it when I go down to nothing. If there weren't all these different mes floating around I think Dilandau could get back to the top. I think if there were one big, strong me he couldn't even make me faint, he would be gone forever. He's why I don't feel well. He's why I'm scared of the dark. I know if you were my friend he would be afraid of you and stay away. I have good days and bad days, but since I've been here they've all been better, believe it or not. I mean, I haven't wet the bed once.'
Van sat motionless at the end of the bed.
You shouldn't talk so much if you want to go to sleep,' he said. It was a dumb thing to say, but it was easier than trying to put words around what she had made him feel. She had told him something about Folken that he had never known, and it gave him new pain to think of what his brother had suffered. He was only as old as I am now. If that happened to me, could I have kept going? If I felt haunted in my own body can it really be that she knows how he felt? Can it be that, because I can do nothing for him now, nothing but remember him with love, I could be meant to help her? I've messed it up from the start if I am. Even down to damaging her hand her right hand, his right arm. A ghost screaming at you from inside
It came to Van then that, no matter how he felt about Celena, no matter how she irritated and puzzled him, he did not want Dilandau to be able to hurt her. He did not want anyone to hurt her, and least of all did he want to hurt her himself. What he had already inflicted on her had only made him feel worse. There was no healing in continuing to hate. As long as Dilandau could make Van want to fight, in a way he was winning. My battle with Dilandau is over. He was never what was really important anyway. My war was with Folken. And I know what she means you can't not love your brother. Even when you've hated and feared and despised him too. I never wanted to fight against him. I never used to want to fight against anyone. I need to remember that. And she isn't Dilandau. Dilandau was insane but he wasn't daft like this. No matter what I did to her I would never reach him with it, and I don't want to want that anyway. So how am I going to do this? Am I forgiving her? Do I want to be friends like she says? Who would I be making friends with, anyway?
He turned to speak to her, but realised halfway that her breathing had lapsed into the slow rhythm of natural sleep. Her bandaged hand was a mummified starfish on the pillow beside her face. She required nothing more of him for now. He rose carefully and left the room without making a sound.
To Be Continued