Disclaimer: All right, fine. Have it your way. I DO own Neon Genesis Evangelion, and all these characters are rightfully MINE. Shinji, Asuka, Misato, Kaji, Rei, Kaoru, and all the rest are solely MY possessions, and all YOU guys can't have them! They're mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! You see, GAINAX was just borrowing them from ME! All you stupid bakas have no right to write fanfics to improve the glory of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and you better not or else I'm gonna sue all your asses off! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahaha…………
Damn, gotta lay of that beer. Stupid Yebisu Beer. He tricked me into drinking all of that Yebisu Beer! How was I supposed to know it would be 100% alcohol? Arrggh. All right, I apologize for everything I may have said, and just switch everything around to get what I really meant. Oh... FOX owns Temptation Island, Gomen, and arigato for reading this fanfic. ^_^
Kaji woke up slowly. God, I must have done something really good in a previous life to deserve this. He had just spent the night with three women, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya, and he had the best time ever. He thought they were all pretty nice looking, and realized that they, working together, could please him a lot better than Maya alone. He noticed that Ritsuko and Maya had a little spent more time with each other than with him, but it had been still been great. They had spent the night at a makeshift movie theater on the island, then to his grass cabin, and then they all went home after all three were through with him. They had kissed Kaji until he was in heaven, and then they had all gone to their own separate cabins to go to sleep, cause Misato and Ritsuko had had prior engagements before they could do anything with Kaji, to Kaji's dismay. Kaji was very happy that three beautiful women were all after him, as he felt male chauvinistic urges rise up again deep within his… um… yeah. Maybe I can have sex with them all at once! That would be fun for all of us. Hehehehe… No, bad Kaji. Must… not…be… chauvinist... again. Don't want to …lose manhood. A small whiny hick voice from some gay movie went off in his head "Save the children!" and Kaji wholeheartedly agreed. The bad memories made him wince, as he got out of bed, no longer drowsy.
"Well, I got a big day ahead of me. Better get the day started fast."
He walked over to the bathroom, and began to shave, not noticing a small, black and white streak rush into his bedroom.
I must find a weapon of use around here, or else my master plan will fail, PenPen thought as he rummaged through Kaji's possessions, while his noises were being drowned out by Kaji's electric shaver. PenPen, looking through Kaji's underwear drawer, found a few women's panties and bras neatly folded, with a letter K embroidered on them. Why the hell does he have these in his drawer? Oh wait… Maybe I don't want to know. PenPen shudders, and continues in his search. Ah… here we are! PenPen comes across a small, but deadly, advanced .37 handgun with a silencer, the one that Kaji was assigned by NERV for self-protection. Ah, this will do nicely! Soon, I will take over the world. But what will my ruling name be?
He prepared to shoot the unsuspecting Kaji in the back, when he realized that his flippers couldn't pick up the gun, let alone pull the trigger. DAMN! Why does this happen to me! I finally find something useful, and then I can't use it! Damn Murphy's law! I still need to think of a ruling name though. Maybe I can be PenPen I? Nah. Maybe, Bob XVI? What about Joe XIX? I'll have to think about it. He thought, as he walked out of Kaji's room, forgetting the mess he had just made.
*****
Gendo was walking around the halls looking for some women to seduce. He thought that Ritsuko would suit his tastes well, but he had become infatuated with a woman named Yui. He loved the way her hair looked, cut short and pretty, and any decent middle-aged man like himself would kill for one of her smiles. Now that I think about it, she looks much like an older, smarter, happier Rei. Why is that? He decided not to press the thought, but kept on walking. Although Misato and Ritsuko are nearly the same age, Misato seems too young for me, and that Maya gives me the creeps. The rest of the girls ARE too young for me, and there's no way in hell that I'm sleeping with a god-damn penguin! He ran into Hikari, who was carrying a newfound iron-spiked mace.
"Have you seen your son around, Mr. Ikari? I would like to have a word with him."
"No I haven't, young lady, but you may want to try his room. It's right over there." He points down the hall to a door with a heart/placard hanging on it. Hikari nods, and storms off towards his room, mallet raised.
*****
Kaoru and Rei were still in the mess hall, staring at each other, as they had been the whole night. Kaoru felt extremely sleepy, but Rei seemed almost unaffected by the night. Doesn't she ever sleep? In fact, now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen her move at all, not even a little. Doesn't she ever breathe? Kaoru, now that he was all-alone, decided to get the nerve to walk up to her, and talk with her. Kaoru thought that Rei was so incredibly beautiful, that there was no way in hell that he was going to give her up. She must have noticed him by now, so the odds are that a small chat wouldn't mean anything that important. He got up, and walked the distance to Rei. Her eyes stayed fixed on the spot where he had been, almost as if she had frozen in place.
"Hello, Rei. It's me Kaoru, remember?"
Rei just sat there, unmoving.
Kaoru started blushing, and tried again. "Hello? How are you doing?"
Rei still didn't move a muscle, and was fixed on the chair where Kaoru had been sitting.
"Hello?"
Kaoru was horrified at his embarrassment, and was upset that Rei wouldn't even move for him. Tears welled in his eyes as he thought She doesn't even notice me… when I'm the only person in the room! Waaahhhhhh! Whaaaaaaah!
Rei rolled over in the chair, and shut her eyes.
Then he realized with a start that Rei had simply been sleeping with her eyes open. AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I stayed up this long looking into her beautiful, gorgeous, SLEEPING EYES! NNOOOO! As he looked over Rei, his will to stay awake now vanishing, he decided that she looked far more beautiful sleeping. Soon, consciousness escaped him, as he fell to the floor, thoroughly exhausted.
The room was silent, but for a black and white blur that was quiet enough for no one to notice him. PenPen ran by Kaoru's unconscious body, as he searched for a weapon that he could use. Maybe I could be King Phil XI.... HEY! Maybe I can use these toothpicks...
*****
Kaji got out of the bathroom, only to find all of his clothes a mess. He eyes glanced over the contents of his room, NERV training kicking in as he tried to look for what they were after. My gun is undisturbed, though out in the open... all my clothes are out of place and... OH MY GOD! Someone found my underwear drawer! His women's underwear was thrown all over, and Kaji's tensions grew. What if someone saw them! Then they would know my secret! That would severely damage my reputation! No one can no what I do with women's underwear in my spare time! Ummm... I must hide it all! OH MY GOD! What if some one knows.... And Kaji grew more paranoid than ever as he was cleaning up. OH MY GOD! IF someone found out then, he might tell everyone! What will they think of me! And...
Slowly someone opened the door. Misato stepped in and said, "Hi Kaji!"
Kaji's tensions broke loose as he said, rather quickly, "Oh-my-god-this-underwear-isn't-mine! I-don't-dress-in-women's-underwear,-someone-just-planted-it-there! Believe-me-cause-I'm-a-good-guy-,and-if-you-were-the-one-who-found-my-underwear-then-I'll-pay-you-off!
Misato just stared with wide eyes at what Kaji said, as she slowly backed out of the room, utterly confused and disturbed. She tried a false smile. "Um... maybe this is a bad time, so I'll just go now...." And then she shut the door and started running.
Kaji was just staring at the door when he realized that Misato had been wearing one of those Victoria secret see-through chiffons that are meant for... well, you know. Kaji started kicking himself. You really did it now, didn't ya!
He continued cleaning up his room, utterly sad at what he had missed out on. Real slick, Kaji.
*****
Shinji ran out of his room, slightly bloodied by Hikari's mace, as he looked for a place to hide. He tried apologizing to Hikari, but she had an evilly determined look about her (For those of you who have been forced to read Les Miserables, she would be a lot like Javert.) Shinji, trying to avoid the bathrooms, ran into the halls. DAMN! She should have worked for the Spanish Inquisition!
All the while, he shouted "Gomen. Gomen. Gomen. Gomen. Gomen." For all who could hear, trying to appease Hikari, but to no avail. He high-tailed it past Kaji, Ritsuko, Maya, and Misato, who were all sharing a Jacuzzi, and decided to hide out at the first door he found. He turned a hallway with Hikari at his heels, and dashed into a room before she could find him.
Shinji slumped to the ground, thoroughly exhausted.
"Hi there!"
Shinji looked up at the cheery voice, and realized that he had walked in on Asuka, undressing, in her underwear. Shinji suppressed a nosebleed, but couldn't help blushing, as he resumed his chant of apology... "Go...Gom...Gome..."
"Ya know, we really should stop meeting like this."
Shinji blushed more, and apologized again. His eyes glanced over her beautiful face, her bright blue eyes, her outreaching arms, her perfect figure, her large bre... No! Bad Shinji! He mentally whacked himself over the head. Stop thinking such things.
Asuka walked up to Shinji, with all her feminine charm, making Shinji nervous.
"On second thought..., let's keep meeting like this..."
Shinji blushed more, he could have been an upside down thermometer.
Asuka noticed his blushing, and decided to tease him about it.
"Don't let the blood get to your face, Shinji-kun, or then you can't use it where it's needed elsewhere..."
Shinji was at a loss, completely confused at what she meant. Asuka, noting his confusion, started touching his pants.
Shinji's eyes bulged, as the blood drained his face and went down... elsewhere.
"That's better, Shinji-kun!"
And before Shinji could say or do anything, Asuka kissed him, hard. Shinji, being a Shinji (since when did it become an adjective?) did what he would have done in any similar situation...
He fainted... again.
*****
Seele was welcoming it's new eleventh honorary member monolith, as they continued to discuss their plans for taking over the world.
Seele no.7 (the voice-only block) was agitated
"We have lost all trace of Keele and no.9. The tracers that we have used to permeate the Angels have been neutralized."
"Well, that is why we have decided to replace Keele with no. 7, and our honorary new member, no. 11, will take 7's place."
"But we don't know anything about no. 11. He shouldn't be trusted as of yet."
"He is suitable to our needs, and will fit in nicely."
"Is he competent? How do we know whether he is trustworthy or not?"
"Let's ask him then..."
All (heads) turn to look at no.11, but the new member refuses to speak yet.
No.5, hoping to get him to talk, said,
"What, are you too afraid to adress this committee, #11?"
That got him mad, and a sound could now be heard from no. 11's voice.
"Wark!"
The Seele members are stunned.
No. 2, calm, says to the master computer, "Activate translation..."
A computerized voice replies, "I will tear open your skull with a pair of pliers and nail your brain to my mantelpiece with a TOOTHPICK!"
"That sounds like a god-damn PENGUIN!"
"Wark" (I am a penguin, baka!)
"We can't have a penguin as a member of SEELE!"
"Wark?" (Why not? Do you dare disagree with ME? King Jack XVI? I will have your skull as a soup bowl!")
"Um... well...why don't we let him join?"
No. 5 thinks this absolutely preposterous, "But he's a god-forsaken PENGUIN!"
"But he's adequately disturbed and he's certainly twisted enough."
"Maybe you have a point. This penguin is definitely disturbed."
"Wark! (Darn-tootin!)
All heads turn to look at this potentially red-necked penguin.
"Yep, definitely disturbed."
*****
Touji is lying on the couch of his cabin, while Hikari is trying to get some sleep.
"Hikari-chan?"
"Yes, Touji?"
"Well, ya know, um..., we've been together a long time, right..."
"Yes..."
"And we know we love each other more than anything else in the world, right?"
"Yes..."
"So, I was thinking, um..., well..., since the purpose of this television show is to have sex, and since everyone is having sex an all...."
"Yes, Touji?"
"Um... I was thinking that, um..., maybe we could...., well..., you know..."
Hikari sat up with a start, shocked at the very idea of having sex before getting married.
"That's living in sin! God says that we shouldn't do anything that only married couples should do until we got married.!"
"But... We're on a SEX TV SHOW! We're supposed to seduce people! Get into the real world! And..."
"And all that doesn't matter because my God is the highest authority!"
"Well GOD CAN JUST GO TO... wait a minute... that just doesn't work, does it?"
"AHHH! You're a heretic! You're going to go to hell! Ahhh! You treasonous fiend!"
"But I'm not even Catholic! I'm a Buddhist!"
"Ahhhh! Even worse, to me! Help me, God! Save me from this dissident! Help! Save me!"
"But Hikari, I love you... that should stand in the way of religion..."
"EEEEEPP! Nothing should ever stand in the way of religion! Help!"
She started throwing nearby stones at him
"AACK! Take that! Infidel! *whack* And that! And that! YOU PAGAN BASTARD!" *whack*
"Hikari! Stop it! Please! I love you!"
"HEATHEN! Take that!" *whack*
"Pleaseee...."
"You godless unbeliever! Take that *whack* and leave my cabin with your ungodly ways!"
"But Hikari..."
"I've had it with you and your unholy attitude! Where's my mace..."
"THAT'S IT YOU LITTLE DEVOUT CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL!"
With that, Touji finally could bear it anymore. He had endured so much torture under Hikari's chain; he had simply had enough. He got all his strength together and burst out of his shell in a dazzling display of balls and courage, in a way that Shinji could never have dreamed of.
"I've had it with you and your little devout routines! Don't you realize that this whole Christian thing is just a big plot made by some old people to get your moneyand control your behavior! It's all fake, and all of it stands without any proof! For one thing, if angels are supposed to be good, then why the hell are they trying to destroy us all! And do you expect me to believe that the universe was created in six days! What's this crap about some guy sailing a big boat with every animal in existence to a holy place? He didn't take any insects with him, and yet there are still insects in existence! The church used to say that the world was flat, and that the earth was the center of the universe. THAT'S JUST A BUNCH OF BULL! And don't expect me to believe that all humanity was spawned from two people. God, if that were true, we would all have been subject to so much inbreeding that we would all have the I.Q. of turnips! And don't expect me to believe that you can really turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus... now that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! And don't get me started with this whole Virgin Mary thing. You say it's a miracle..., I say she's just promiscuous! You can't have a baby without sex, and if this Joseph guy was married to Mary and she was still a virgin... well then either she slept around, the two of them had had really weird types of foreplay, or Joseph has got to be the biggest loser ever for not having sex, but married, and being like 40!"
Hikari was trying to control her anger, as she was searching through her stuff.
"Must... find... spiked... mace..." she muttered through gritted teeth.
"I can't believe that anyone can be so devout in a religion that condones the extermination of all other religions and believes that the people of that religion are all powerful, and everyone else will go to hell! That's so mean for crying out loud, man! What do you have to say to all this, little miss catholic school girl?"
Hikari was at a loss for words, shocked beyond words because of Touji's sudden rebellion, his unbelievable words that were more heathen than anything she had ever encountered before, even the time she had once heard someone say the pope was dull, and shocked also because she couldn't really find anything to answer him with... none of her catholic school teachings would help her, but she wouldn't back down out of stubbornness.
She tried a last ditch attempt.
"Um... Uhhhh... God works in mysterious ways?"
"AARRRGGG! You're still sticking to that crap! Fine! If you don't want to have sex with me, well I'm on an island where all the women are trying to have sex with me! Ha! I can have Asuka and the others anytime I want because they are being paid to try to have sex with me! Don't think that you have anything over me anymore! Good-bye!"
Touji slammed to door and headed over to the singles cabin, forgetting that out of the five single girls, three were too old for him, and one was a penguin...
Hikari found her mace.
*****
PenPen was running around, equipped with his new weapon that he had received from Seele, in order to take over the island. Bwahahahaha! Those fools at Seele know nothing about my real plans! He caressed his new gun, gently, as if it were toy. It was a brand new silver, semi-automatic .28... toothpick launcher! Soon, I will release my wrath among this island, and conquer the world! He also had a large amount of other equipment that Seele had given him. Hmmm... A bomb. That could be useful... Oh look! It's a laser equipped watch! And anti-gravity boots. And a pen-gun. Who needs those?
Suddenly, he heard footsteps above him.
James Bond, now 78 (does he ever really age in the movies?), drops down from the ceiling and says "I'll take those if you don't need them...."
"Wark!" (Take what? I don't have anything! What are you looking at? OH.. It is you, Bond. Nice to see you again. This time, My evil plan to get you will not fail.)
"My.. well... Is that you, Penguin? Well, well! I haven't seen you in a while, now, have I? I didn't know you got out of prison...
"Wark! (Well, I am a penguin of many talents. Did you think that one of your prisons could hold me?)
"Hold on, let me turn on my hearing aid...."
"Wark!" (You old people... so ineffeicient.)
"Hee hee. Well, it is you, Penguin! We had a hard time tracking you down back in '89! Well, I'll just be on my way..."
"Wark!" (Stop right there, Bond, or I'll shoot you full of... wood?)
"Well, it appears that you have finally cornered me. What evil twisted form of death are you going to plan for me, huh? Are you going to slowly lower me into a pit of red-hot lava? Will you drop me 2,000 feet onto a floor covered with 5-foot spines? What about shoving a small bomb up my ass while I'm chained, and then waiting for it to blow up?"
"Wark!" (I'm gonna shoot you now, and get it over with!)
"What, no evil twisted plan of death that takes so much time to execute that I can escape? Why, can't come up with any good ideas?"
"Wark!" (No such evil twisted plans, and don't even get me started with any ideas.)
"No dastardly convoy to take me to your base, and leaving me with inexperienced lackeys that I can easily overpower?"
"Wark! (Nuh uh)
"Aren't you going to at least lock me up in a jail cell so that I may escape and secretly plant a bomb in your complex, then blow it up while I'm safely outside?"
"Wark! (No such luck, old man.)
"But I didn't even have sex with a single woman yet! It's just the beginning of the movie! You can't kill me now! At least point some great big laser at me so that I may deflect it into a mirror so that it can destroy my locks, and then I can run away, have sex with the good looking scientists and the victim of the bad guy's latest evil plan, as well as the bad guy's concubine, and then I'll come back to kill you."
"Wark! (Not in this lifetime. Besides, you're so old that you have got to be impotent by now. Haven't you used up all your sperm by now? At the rate you have sex, which is like five times per movie, each which a different girl, it must all be gone by now!)
"Nope. Hey, I'm James Bond! What do expect?"
"Wark!" (You lucky, lucky fool. Well, I'm just gonna kill you outright this time.)
"WHAT! Well do something evil and dastardly. C'mon, please? At least tell me your secret plan for world domination right before you kill me."
"Wark!" (Do I look stupid to you? I'm not gonna fall for that again!)
PenPen pulls out his watch laser, and cuts out Bond's (most essential part.)
"Nooooo! Not there! Noooooo! I need that more than anything else! I certainly use it the most in my movies! Help!"
"Wark! (Now I will shoot down with my/your pengun!) "Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" *Bam* *BAM* *BAM!*
Gwen enters and kisses PenPen.
"Woark!" (I do love it when you act evil! It really turns me on. Ohhhh. You have a really big gun there, PenPen! Let me play with it!)
PenPen starts blushing, something which he only does around Gwen.
Bond twitches and starts to reach in his pocket.
PenPen shoots him again, and Bond stops moving.
Gwen pushes PenPen to the ground, and starts to.. well... you know.
And this is how, PenPen kills his first, and probably not last, victim on Temptation Island.
*****
Shinji awoke from his nap, on Asuka's bed for that matter. No one else was in the room, and he again wondered how long he had been lying asleep. He sat up in bed, letting the blankets fall off him, and realized with a shock that he was naked, and that his clothes were lying in a pile by the door. Shinji was again worried at what Asuka might have done to him while he was unconscious, as he hurriedly put his clothes on. He noticed that the condom that Gendo had given him was no longer in his pocket, and he got even more worried, (what a loser, I would be thrilled.) He ran out of the door after he put on his clothes, and decided to look for Asuka again.
*****
Touji and Asuka were both in the dining room, eating some ramen with beer. Asuka had on a very mature gown, and Touji was in street clothes, and begging for sex.
"C'mon, Asuka... Just once?"
"NO!"
"Phulease, Asuka?"
"NO! And that's final, baka hentai! The great Shoyru Asuka Langley seduces only whom she wishes, and not just anyone who asks for some." She smiled at him in an almost angry way. "Besides, why would I want to have sex with someone like you?"
Touji facefaulted with an upset look on his face, as Misato walked in, ignoring him.
"Hi, Asuka!"
"Hello, Misato-san! How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine... Hey you look a little tired today, Asuka"
No one notices Shinji hidden in some bushes nearby
"Well, yeah, I guess I am."
Touji straightens up, brushes his shirt off, and sits down again.
Misato leans towards Asuka, and puts her elbows on the table, letting her gown slip a bit.
"Why is that, Asuka?"
Shinji leans in to get closer.
Touji gets a nosebleed.
"Well, I've been busy... well, um, ya know!"
Touji facefaults again.
"Oh," Misato smiles, "I see!"
Shinji, being Shinji-ish, wonders what they are talking about.
"Ya know, Misato, did you know that one can have sex even while the guy is unconscious?"
Shinji grits his teeth, and pulls back in shock. Misato is a little confused.
Touji mumbles something unintellible.
"I didn't know that, Asuka. How did you know that?"
Asuka has a superior smile on her face.
"I found out this afternoon from first-hand experience!"
Misato gasps.
Touji collapses.
Hikari enters the room with her mace.
And Shinji faints... yet again.
*****
Authors note: All right, here it finally is! Part IV! I know I ruined it all for you guys by telling you guys in the beginning, but I didn't want to get flamed by my fellow Asuka-otakis! (I know I didn't spell THAT right) My thanks to Yebisu Beer and The Dane for beta-reading my fanfic. Also, thanks to all of you who reviewed my other fics, namely Sky mage, Amani, Little Red Beast, Kyo Tetsuei, Grud, Yebisu Beer, and The Dane. Oh, and I have absolutely nothing against any religions at all, ok. That's just Touji's character. And I'm not an over-zealous freak either. That's just Hikari's character. This fanfic in no ways represents my views about Catholicism, or any other religion at all, ok.
I know it's got sugar and spice with a hint of lemon, but that's the only way I can write it. Please read and review! Ja! Arigato ^_^