Disclaimer: Gainax owns Neon Genesis Evangelion, and I don't. End of story. Or the beginning actually, but hey.
TEMPTATION ISLAND Part 5!
Recap:
Touji facefaulted.
Shinji fainted.
And Hikari found her mace.
PART 5
Hikari lunged out of her cabin, looking for Touji.
How dare he insult my God like that! He must be punished! I will flay his skin from his bones with my cat-o-nine tails! HE... WILL...PAY!
She started looking for Touji, the heathen pervert, in order to properly punish him for what he had said to her earlier that night.
How dare he call Mary promiscuous! Surely he will go to hell!
Hikari picked up her pace and started for the dining cabin. She was ready to kill Touji in the name of her faith. Her mentality stated that she was his girlfriend, and so she should like him. But before that, her mentality said that she was a girl, so she wouldn't take his advances towards her. Even before that, it said she was a human, so he wouldn't take insults about herself.
And first and foremost, her mentality told her that she was a child of GOD! Any insults to her faith would have the stomped down in the name of Jehovah.
Calling her a religious zealot would do her injustice. Such religious fervor would amaze even those who lived during the Crusades, and would even frighten the Puritans of the 17th century …or at least have her burned at the stake as a witch and a heretic even though she's CHRISTIAN!!! She could have been a leader of Jesuits in an earlier life, and even the Pope would have bowed at her feet.
Needless to say, she liked religion, and in the blindness caused by her fervor, she failed to see everything about her. She looked and looked, but she never truly saw the world for what it was, clouding it all in religion in order to escape the more unsavory parts of real life, just like many people before her have done. But hey, this isn't a social novel about the problems in society, so lets move on!
To put it simply in terms the majority of you all could easily understand... she was pissed off. I mean really pissed off.
Hikari, in her fury, let out a string of curses and tortures that would have made PenPen proud, but no one in the audience really wants to hear them, right?
But as she walked towards the cabin that Touji was in, the ground opened below her, and she fell into the deepest hole she had ever seen. Right before she fell to her doom, however, she noticed a white glow above her. Is that God? I was right! I was right! There is a God! I was right and all of my family, friends, teachers, councilors, physiatrists, and most importantly of all Touji were wrong! Hahahaha! I will surely go to heaven for worshiping the true God, and they will all go to hell! Hahahahaha!
But as she fell to her death, she also heard something above her. She could make it out, but she was sure that it was everyone else on the planet realizing how wrong they had been about religions in general, and crying out for their true Savior, Saint Hikari. And then....
well...
*splat*
The following evening, a tape recording of the event precisely 5 seconds before the death of one Horaki Hikari was found somewhere in Temptation Island Headquarters. When played, it sounded something like "Wark!" (Hehehehehe! Gotc'ha!) Mysteriously, Temptation Island Headquarters burned down later that day, and everyone from the outside world lost connection to the island, not that anyone on the inside noticed.
Dirt was shoveled over the 50-foot deep hole, and a black and white blur ran away from the incident, having left a note in the cabin of every else on the island, which read: "The first person to be kicked out of this island is Ms. Horaki Hikari. You will not hear or see her ever again, during your indefinite stay on this island."
And it was thus that PenPen claimed his second victim on Temptation Island.
*****
Touji and Kensuke were laughing their heads of in front of a blushing Shinji the next day.
"So she actually had sex with you?"
"Oh my gosh! The Shinjimeister got lucky!"
"And he was unconscious the WHOOOLLLLEEEE time too!"
This brought about another bout of laughter from the two, and Shinji turned a deeper shade of red.
"You lucky dawg!"
"Actually, I feel sorry for him."
Touji looked up at Kensuke.
"Huh? Why?"
Kensuke stifled a laugh.
"Because he got lucky, and had hot, passionate, maybe even steamy sex with a beautiful girl... AND HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER IT! GUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Both friends laughed together, with, for, and at an embarrassed Shinji, teasing him about every single possible thing that two teenaged boys can think of to tease their friend who had been the first one of them to have sex, and to have been unconscious during the aforementioned time. Needless to say, it took a while before they were done teasing him.
"Oh, you poor, poor thing. You poor, poor, poor thing."
"Why? I don't see any reason for him to be considered unlucky?"
Touji and Kensuke looked behind them at the voice, and Shinji turned a far deeper shade of red than he was before.
Touji was shocked.
"Uh.. Um... Asuka! We were um... just talking about you!"
"Anyone can see that, baka, but I think Shinji would consider himself lucky to have done the horizontal tango with me. What, are you insulting the sexual prowess of the Great Shoyru Asuka Langley? Are you? HUH! TAKE THAT!"
Touji and Kensuke have sweat drops, and are trying to fend off Asuka's blows.
"Ummm, no, Asuka-san. We were simply expressing Shinji's tragic misfortune at not uh... being conscious during the time when you... you know... and were feeling sorry for him because Shinji wasn't able to experience... well... you know... with the beautiful Shoyru Asuka Langley, because the poor bastard was unconscious at the time. Right Touji?"
Kensuke elbows Touji.
"Um... yeah."
This answer appeared to satisfy Asuka, so she began to walk off. Then she gave them each another kick for good measure.
"Perverts"
*****
Kaji was in desperate need of sex. He hadn't been this long without it in a LONG time, as he was used to women throwing themselves at him in all directions. He knew that he was a babe magnet, and he desperately needed some soon, before he had a mental break down. He felt like a male chauvinist again, refusing to consider the incident on the boat, and again wanted to sleep with Maya, Ritsuko, and Misato at the same time. He knew he shouldn't, he definitely knew he shouldn't, but gah haw haw haw hod he wanted to. Such was the life and thoughts of a sex deprived man. He decided to get up his nerve and ask them..., as soon as he figured out who the hell had been in his underwear drawers.
*****
PenPen was working on his super weapon, whistling while he worked, believe it or not. Who knows what he was whistling... it could have been anything from It's a Small World After All to an Eminem song, probably the latter, it being PenPen and all, but he was whistling nonetheless.
Gwen, his new found accomplice, acquaintance, and lover, was working beside him, and she WAS singing It's a Small World After All. The two of them must have been having a "who can sing the most evil song" contest. The winner was, as always, debatable.
Suddenly a voice could be heard behind him.
"So we meet again, Penguin."
PenPen whirled around, remembering to grab his semi-automatic toothpick launcher.
"Wark!" (Bond! But I thought I had killed you!)
"That's what they all say! You all should know by now that I never die! I am immortal!"
"Wark!" (But I shot you in 17 vulnerable places dead center, along with some other places just for fun! There's no way in hell you could have survived!)
"But I am James Bond! I always survive! No matter how many bullets I take, no matter how many bomb explosions I am in, no matter how many hundreds of people are shooting at me with everything from pistols to AK-47's to heat-detecting rocket launchers, no matter what the odds, I always survive!"
"Wark!"(But I shot you in SEVENTEEN places at once, any one of which should have killed you!)
"Well, where did you shoot?"
"Wark..." (Let's see...) PenPen pulls out a diagram of the human body out of thin air just like he would have in any similar stupid American cartoon.
"Wark wark Wark!" (I shot you in the... {PenPen points with a pointing stick which also seems to have come from nowhere} kidneys, mouth, liver, stomach, neck, left lung, right lung, left aorta, left ventricle, right aorta, right ventricle, and I shot your head from the front, right, left, back, top, and even bottom. I even shot your manhood off for good measure! How the hell are you still alive?)
"Well, you see, unless you shoot me in my sole vulnerable spot, I will always survive no matter what you do to me!"
"Warky Wark?" (You mean even if I slowly lock you in a –100 degree freezer until your blood freezes, which it happens to do at –100 degrees Celsius, only to slowly lower you into a pit of lava after you can bear the cold no longer you will still be alive?)
"Yep"
"Wawark?" (What if I drop you from a 20000 foot cliff onto a bed of nails? Will you die then?)
"Nope."
"Warky?" (What about giving you a thousand paper cuts on your neck, head, hands, legs, and your... tehehehehe.)
Bond winces at the thought.
"Ouch, but still nope."
"Wark?" (What if I open your skull and then stick a thousand toothpicks into your brain?)
"No such luck."
Gwen steps in with an idea.
"Woark Woark!" (What if PenPen-chan handcuffs you to a one-hundred pound dumbbell and drop you into a 20-000 gallon vat of Pantene Pro-V?)
(Note to readers, don't imagine that this is happening to you. It's enough to make one claustrophobic.)
"Gag, but still no. All that would happen is that my hair would look even shinier after I get out."
"Woark?" (What about in gasoline, and after you had drowned we light the thing on fire?)
"Eeewwwww. But still no."
"Woarky?" (What about orange juice?)
"Oh man, my suit will get all sticky."
"WARK!" (Fine let's prove your theory.)
PenPen picks up his semi-automatic toothpick launcher and shoots his entire clip at Bond. Each toothpick penetrates Bond's skin and almost all of them come out the other end, while some toothpicks are lodged within Bond himself.
"Nope... still not dead."
PenPen utters a war cry, reloads, and lets loose a second clip.
"W..Aw...R...K!" (WHY... WON'T... YOU... DIE!)
"Because of my sole vulnerable spot, of course."
"Wark?" (A sole vulnerable spot! And where might that be?)
"It's on the second knuckle of my left hand's pinky."
PenPen and Gwen facefault, and Bond, being British and not Japanese, wonders how they could turn themselves upside down like that without having him see them get down on their knees.
PenPen picks himself off the ground.
"Warky wark." (You must be joking, Bond.)
"Nope! By the way, what was that thing you just pulled there? Was it some kind of fancy handstand?"
PenPen and Gwen facefault again. Bond, with his sophisticated machinery, clocks them at 403 miles per second, aka Mach 2015.
"Wow! You must tell me how to do that! Imagine how many places I could infiltrate at that speed."
"Wark! Warkedy Wark Wark Wark!" (You will never learn the secret of facefaulting, Bond! We Japanese have been hoarding that secret since the beginning of time! Or at least the beginning of Anime! Just like we have been hoarding all the good Anime too, and only allowing a select few, old Animes into Europe and America for the mass public to watch on T.V.! It's our secret plot to take over the world! Let us Japanese grow strong from watching good anime like Evangelion, and Ah! Megamisama!, and Gundam Wing without the gay excuses for translations, and let the rest of the world suffer on Pokemon, Digimon, and (Bum pum pum) Flint the Time Detective!" Bwahahahhahahahahahaha!)
"Oh... My... GOD! That's the most awful plan in the world! How did you ever thing of such a thing! Millions will suffer!"
Gwen grins at PenPen
"Woark!" (He had help...)
"Wark!" (You betcha! Oh, my Gwen-chan...)
"Woark!" (Oh, PenPen!)
Bond facefaults.
"Oh! So that's how you do it!"
"Wark! Waaaa....waaaa....WARK!" (Now that you have learnt the secret of facefaulting! I will not allow you to leave this island alive, Bond! You will have to go and aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. You will have to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. You will... GWEN! STOP TOUCHING ME THERE!)
"Woark!" (Oops! Sorry, PenPen-chan! Business and all... I forgot. I'll wait till later.)
Bond now has a sweat drop as well.
"Weird... I was wondering how they did that too...."
PenPen, realizing that Bond was still there, picked up his machine gun and shot 100 toothpicks into the second knuckle of his left pinky.
"Nnooooooooooooooooooo! Yoooouuuu have killllllleeeedddddd meeeeeeeeee!"
"Wark!" (Well, duh. I didn't give you a sponge massage.)
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Bond struggles to get up, using his hands to get to PenPen's machine gun, but soon, Bond stops moving, and is lifeless.
And thus PenPen kills his third/second victim on Temptation Island.
One minute later, PenPen finds a label reading (Acme: The All-purpose Clone Manufacturers of England)
"Wark!" (Clones! So that was how he was doing it! I was wondering how he managed to survive after all that I had done to aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
*****
Kaoru got up and stretched, looking around him. Uhhhhh. Where am I? This looks like the meeting room.... Suddennly, he remembered the love of his life Rei, and got up with a start. He noticed her still lying on the couch, staring at him, unmoving. She's awake! Kaoru wondered if he should go to his room and freshen up, or just sit here and stare back. Ohh... Rei is just so beautiful.... I think I'll just stay here....
And Kaoru decided to stay put, and stare back again. Once again, he noticed that she never blinked, and regained his nerve from last night and walked over to her.
This time her eyes followed him.
"Hello. My name is... Kaoru. I am... pleased to meet you."
Kaoru was sweating, and got nervous. What will she say? What if she doesn't like me? What if....
Rei stood there, stunned. No one had ever been pleased to meet her before. She had never had to deal with any thing like this in her training... what was she to do? She was very uncomfortable, but she didn't show it, as was her nature. Maybe if I just wait here, the problem will go away.
And so she sat and stared, unmoving. One would have thought she was dead, except for the fact that she was still breathing, but only barely.
Huh? What's she doing? She isn't ignoring me, is she? He tried to get her attention, so he waved his hand over her eyes. "Hello? HelloooooO? Hello?"
He waved his hand on front of her eyes again and again, until one time, by accident, he grazed her cheek. Ooohhhh her skin is soooo smooth! I'm in heaven!
Rei's eyes narrowed, and her hand struck his face faster than anyone could have guessed, as her physical training and psychological conditioning at NERV had forced her to.. He actually TOUCHED ME! No one has ever touched me before, not even the commander. But it felt... different. Confusing, even. Rei decided that she wanted to experience this again. So she made a request for the first time in her life. It was a time for firsts, after all.
Kaoru was huddled in a corner, weeping openly with a river of tears coming out of his eyes in the humorous, anime way... not the serious anime way. She sla hah hah hah happed meeeeeeee..... I just touched her and she slah hah hah happed meeee...... Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
"Nagisa-Kun?"
Kaoru looked up, and turned around. Despite the extent to which his feelings had been hurt, he managed to mumbled a coherent and unspiteful "yes?"
"What you just did to me, could you please perform that act once again?"
Kaoru was stunned. Too stupefied to ask questions, he walked up the her, and grazed his finger against her cheek again. Rei smacked him again as per her conditioning.
"HEY!"
"And again, Nagisa-kun."
Kaoru was stupefied. Here's this girl who is asking you to touch her cheek, and then slapping him each time. He decided to just go with the flow, and touched her cheek. Everytime he touched her, he felt like he could simply melt into her arms, but she didn't want to know what she would do to him if he did, considered she smacked him just for grazing her cheek.
"And agian, Nagisa-kun."
*smack*
"And again, Nagisa-kun."
*smack*
"And again..."
*smack*
Kaoru was changing from being as happy as he could ever be to being miserable when she slapped him.
Rei was still confused. Why does my whole body tingle when he simply touches my cheek. This must be thought through... I must understand what is causing this... sensation.
Kaoru was starting to get agitated and a little annoyed at Rei. Why the hell does she keep smacking me? He unconsciously let out this frustration by touching Rei a little longer and a little harder. The next time, he touched her cheek even longer and pressed his hand more against her skin. Soon, Kaoru was almost smacking her as hard as she was him. The feel of his hand against her cheek, and of hers against his, was almost too much for him, and even though it hurt, he still felt giddy.
Rei was confused even further... the sensations she was experiencing were unlike anything she had ever felt, and so she was uncertain what to do. This feels strange, feeling him touch me and touching him at the same time. She was at a complete loss as to what to do. By think time, anyone watching would think that they were having a fight.
Kaoru was in heaven, and Rei was bewildered. Nothing she did, no logical answer she could think could explain this feeling.
I think it feels... good?
{Aawwwwww, that was nice and waffy, wasn't it? It's just sooooo sweeet! Almost a romance fic.... but not quite.}
*****
Touji looked up from his lunch.
"Awww... the food here isn't much better than the food at school, is it? I miss Hikari already... she was always so nice to me... and she used to make the best lunches too..."
Kensuke turned towards his friend.
"NO! You should get over her... she did get kicked off the island after all. Besides, remember how she used to boss you around all the time? You don't want that again, do you?"
Touji was downcast, and looked down at his feet.
"No, I suppose not."
Secretly, behind the three stooges, Asuka walked up to Shinji. She had a serious expression on her face.
"Shinji, I need to talk to you..."
Shinji blushed. "Yes, Asuka?"
Asuka, blushed herself. "I need to talk to you... in private."
Shinji, afraid of being seduced again, cut her short. (note: I wouldn't be afraid... would you be afraid? I certainly wouldn't be afraid.) "NO! You can just tell me what it is now!"
Shinji's sudden uprising of backbone, which surprisingly enough had resulted from a severe lack of backbone, stunned Asuka
"In front of everyone?"
Shinji, thinking that she simply wanted to have sex with him again, said, "Yes! In front of everyone!"
Asuka herself was nervous...
"Shinji?... I'm pregnant."
*****
Shinji dropped his cup to the floor. It shattered on impact.
Everyone else in the room turned towards them. Touji stepped up to Shinji.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER!"
Touji slapped Shinji's right cheek.
(Before I could)
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO HER!"
Kensuke slapped Shinji's left cheek.
(Without letting me videotape)
Gendo walked up to Shinji, tall and menacing. His figure and manner was deemed threatening, and Shinji cowered in fear of what his father would do to him. He was on white gloved blur fly down towards his head. Gendo stopped one inch short of whacking his head, and hovered his hand above Shinji's face. Then, Gendo patted Shinji's head, and rumpled his hair up a little.
Touji slapped Shinji again.
Kensuke slapped Shinji again too.
PenPen slapped Shinji's left knee.
"WARK!" (You're only fourteen, dammit!)
Gwen slapped Shinji's right knee.
"WOARK!" (You're too young for that!)
Gendo smiled.
"That's my boy!"
Yui and Futsyuski slapped Gendo.
"HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO HIM!"
Asuka was laughing...
"I was just kidding! Hahahahaha!"
Everyone slapped Asuka for scaring them like that.
Elsewhere on the island, Misato, Maya, and Ritsuko all slapped Kaji for wanting to sleep with all three of them at once.
"HENTAI!"
Rei and Kaoru slapped each other.
Asuka slapped Shinji just because she had slightly sadist tendencies.
Shinji slapped himself because he had more than slighty masochistic tendencies.
And somewhere in the middle of the country of New America, George W. Bush slapped himself in his grave, his soul realizing that elsewhere on the planet someone was acting stupider than he had ever been before, and had therefore broken his record.
*****
Author's note: Sorry about killing off Hikari! I have nothing against her. She's actually the most normal person in the entire cast of EVA if you think about it, considering that everyone else is pretty darn weird. Seriously... try to come up with someone more normal than Hikari in the cast of EVA. I mean the real EVA, not any fanfics. If anyone comes up with anyone more normal than HIkari, please put it in a review! ^_^ R&R and all that...