I'm not going to have an intro here. Instead, it will be "Random Thing of the Moment, by ME!" Okay? So, skip this if you want to just read the fic. But please read? I spent too long writing a story about Vicious's crow! If you don't care, skip to the story. But otherwise, just read. There really is no topic. I stray a lot. But read it! Starting: NOW!!! OK, so, Julia is like, Spike's old girlfriend, who used to be Vicious's old girlfriend, but then she started dating Spike behind his back. Which is bad. Bad for many things. And bad things happen to this lady who only shows up in the flesh for two episodes, which is more like one episode, since she appears after the halfway point of the second-to-last-episode and well, isn't seen again, shall we say, after the halfway point of the last episode. So anyway, Julia is seriously lacking in the personality area, and see, methinks that Lady Une (of Gundam W) and Julia are twins, since they look so similar. And ya know how Une has the split personality thing? Well, there was a problem at birth, and Une got her personality too. Which explains a lot, really. There's a lot more conspiracies, if you want to hear them. Cowboy Bebop is a veritable cornucopia of conspiracies. For example, here's the reason Vicious has a bird. See, one of the crows at Rei's temple was hopelessly obsessed with Darien. And, after he blew up from the long chain of events which you can see in "The Day Wufei Tried To Rule The World" (read it after you read this. If it doesn't have an anime you like in it, well, that's scary. It's got about 10 different animes, and Zelda!) the toxic rain of Darien came down and the bird became a mutant crow. But from now on the bird will be referred to as Birdy, because that's probably what Vicious named him. Because Vicious is just special in that very special way. Anyway, Birdy lived a REALLY LONG TIME, and finally figured out the great mystery of where Darien went. See, he figured that Jet was actually Darien with his head on upside down, and that made perfect sense to him, because toxic rain can do weird things to people. Well, he figured this out, because Birdy is very intelligent. So, he was reading the phonebook one day, because that's what he does. And he noticed that Spike and Jet/Darien have the same phone number. But since Birdy has to breathe air (he happened to be away somewhere when everyone died, just so you know) he couldn't get to the Bebop or even call, because he can't talk. But he learned of the fact that Vicious was looking for Spike, and he figured that if he finds Vicious he finds Spike, and if he finds Spike he finds the Bebop, and if he finds the Bebop then he finds Jet. Oh yeah. It's all coming together. Well, to make a story that is way to long to be an intro to a fanfic short, Birdy decided to accompany Vicious on his journey. And he would have found Jet, too, if poor Birdy hadn't exploded. So very soon I will write a story dedicated to Birdy and his heroic quest of love. But not now. Because the intro is coming to a close. So read the actual fic now. That is all.
And yes, that was my authors note.
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A Cowboy Bebop Story
Session Three
Spike and the Great Nicotine Crisis
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Once upon a time, there were these four people. And a dog. And it was all very funny, really- they did all kinds of stupid stuff. And life was good. And I am using the word 'and' a lot.
Spike Spiegel was a chain smoker with unnaturally long legs. Jet Black was some kinda weird freaky-lookin' ex-cop dude with way too much free time and a sick obsession with bansai trees. Faye Valentine was a 77-year-old hooker who I am being unnecessarily cruel to in this story. Ed-who-has-some-kind-of-weird-long-name-that-she-made-up-herself-the Fourth was a computer genius hacker on speed and lots of other things, I'm sure. And Ein was a dog. A dog who could probably rule the world if he wanted to, because he's so intelligent.
And they all lived on a yellow submarine. Well, actually, they didn't, but I've had that song stuck in my head all day! IT'S ANNOYING!!!
But anyway, they lifed on this really nifty spaceship called the Bebop. They named it when they were drunk. So what?
You, my loyal readers, (yes, loyal, you've gotta be pretty loyal to have read this far into the series) already know this. But I care not. I WANT TO BE THE KING AND QUEEN OF CHEESE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
-Emilee is suddenly dragged off by the men in the white coats, who, contrary to her belief, only want to give her her medicine.-
-Sane-ish narrator person comes back.-
Spike sat in the corner of the living room, rocking back and forth, hugging his knees.
"Need…nicotine…must have…nicotine…smoked last…five minutes…ago…"
Jet was getting extremely annoyed with this. He got up to check the medicine cabinet for his Nicoderm.
"Hmm… Ed's Ritalin… Faye's extra-strength Tylenol… chewable Pokémon vitamins? What are my special treats doing here?" He put them in his pocket. After finding none of what he was looking for, he left.
He looked at Spike and sighed. Guess we're gonna have to make an emergency stop…
-Emilee comes back.-
Do you guys wanna know about Faye's obsession?
Narrator: That has nothing to do with this chapter.
Don't forget, I created you! I can fire you! I don't even like you!
Narrator: You can tell them later.
I want sugar.
Narrator: (sweatdrops) No.
Screen turns black. Hissing and screaming noises are heard, then static.
-And now, back to the show.-
Since I'm bad with transitions, everyone's on Mars now. In front of a 7-11 type place.
"Since we're here," said Faye, "I'm going to do some shopping. I'll meet you back at the Bebop when I'm done." She turned and left.
"If you're not back by the time we get there, we're leaving without you!" Jet yelled after her.
Ed ran off somewhere cackling, with Ein following closely.
Jet and Spike walked into the 7-11. Spike appeared to be in a trance. He walked up to the counter and stared blankly at the cigarette selection.
"What can I do for you, sir?" asked the blond lady behind the counter
In a soft monotone voice, he said, "I'll take one of each."
She looked confused. "Um, are you- are you sure?"
Jet pushed the dazed Spike out of the way. "No, he's not." He grinned somewhat sheepishly. "He wants fifty packs of the cheapest kind you've got."
The cashier looked shocked. "Fifty packs?!"
Jet nodded.
She blinked. "I-I'll see what I can do."
The lady went off into the back room.
Tapping his foot, Jet looked around. Where has Spike wandered off to?
Chips? No.
Drinks? No.
Video games? No.
Jet was worried. There was no telling what Spike would do when in this state.
Nervously, he remembered the time he attacked a six year old girl with Pixy Stix. They'd ended up with a major lawsuit on their hands.
He scanned the store once more.
Much to Jet's relief, he found Spike. Unfortunately, he found Spike staring stupidly at the "feminine hygiene products."
"Spike! What are you doing, you idiot?!"
Spike slowly turned to look at him. Jet made a "get your scrawny butt over here" motion twith his hands.
After 10 seconds of staring blankly, Spike complied.
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Somehow, in that special way that only she can manage, Ed had manageed to be captured by the police. I won't go into detail, but the crime involved a golf cart, a 20-ton block of cheese, a sledgehammer, and a baby elephant.
And basically, Ed and Ein are in prison.
And no one will be at the Bebop until 8:00.
So…
END PART THREE
Next time:
Ahem… This is Faye speaking. On the next installment, things happen. Find abut Ed doing hard time, and whether they get bailed out. Plus, Jet and Spike get drunk, if only for a very brief period of time. It's really pointless… The entire thing is self-sufficient, and doesn't really add anything. And there's a reference to a really whacked show that isn't an anime. And there's a special guest star. And it's not Julia, thank God… But she may be in here sometime, too. For torture purposes. And my time is up. So tune in next time.
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