She stopped in mid-step when she noticed the man standing by the window. It was not often that those who worked at the Agency was given a chance to see their aloof leader, and even fewer of them found him waiting in their office. Unfortunately, she had managed to meet the man far too many times for her liking, and now he was waiting in the Q-bureau. Since Lee was to be out all day doing light surveillance with Aunt Katherine, he must be waiting for her.
"I'm not sure I can handle this right now," she said as she shut the door behind her.
To her amazement, she saw the ghost of a smile cross Doctor Smyth's lips. "I know the last few days must have been difficult for you. My sister has a remarkable ability to make someone's life hell is she wants to do so."
The muscles in Amanda's shoulders tensed; she did not like his comment about Dotty. She was her mother. Even if she had been making life . . . difficult for Amanda. The boys were starting to question why their grandmother never left her room when Amanda was home.
"I was trying to joke, Amanda," Smyth said. "Badly, I admit, but I was trying." It sounded odd hearing her name from his lips. It was even odder hearing him speak plainly--no quips or puns. He was making himself human to her, and she was not sure she liked it. Last week, she would have welcomed it, but last week, he had not been related to her. Or, rather, she had not known he was.
He sat down in Lee's chair, and motioned for her to sit. She debated whether to remain standing, and then decided to be an adult. She slowly sat down in her chair, crossing her fingers in front of her.
He lit his cigarette. Amanda almost told him to put it out, but she knew he had done it without thought. He was nervous. Doctor Smyth was nervous talking to her! "I've been thinking," he said, looking anywhere but at her. "Thinking about what to say to you, Mandy." He stayed silent for a minute. "If you want me to be honest--and I know you do--I've considered saying things to you ever since it was brought to my attention that you worked for us."
Amanda thought about what he was admitting. "You didn't know at first?"
He shook his head, blowing out a ring of smoke. "No, you somehow managed to by-pass all the strict clearance tests that someone as exposed to secrets as you should have been subjected to before they even began working here. It was not until you were framed for being a plant, and given a complete background check, that you were brought to my attention. I was . . . horrified. I had promised Dotty that I would not recruit you, or even look in your direction when it came to the Agency."
The muted sound of two people walking by in the hall seemed loud in the quiet room. "They had to ask questions about my father," Amanda realized.
Nodding, Doctor Smyth leaned back in the chair. "Yes, they did, which set off more than a few alarms. I made sure Carl's files were well protected, even from the Agency."
Amanda shook her head in sad amusement. "My background check even has lies in it."
Doctor Smyth nodded and put out his cigarette in the dirt of one of Amanda's potted plants. He threw the butt into the trashcan. "The version Melrose and the others got, yes."
"There's another version?" Amanda laughed. "I don't know why that amazed me."
Doctor Smyth managed a full smile. It looked odd on his face, but it reminded her of the smiling young man standing next to her father in old photographs. "Yes, there are times even I am amazed by all the secrets in this business, Mandy."
"Why do you call me 'Mandy'? I've never let anyone call me 'Mandy'," she told him. Taking her hands off her desk, she crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair.
"When you were little--when I knew you before--we all called you 'Mandy'."
Amanda took several seconds to digest that information. "You were around when I was little?"
He turned to look out the window. The way the sun was shining hid his face from her. "Yes, I did. We all did. The community was very different then. We all were friends as well as colleagues. We went to each other's homes, and we went to their children's ballgames. That was a long time ago. Something happened that changed all that."
"I don't remember," she whispered.
"I know you don't, Amanda. Your mother told me that you were upset about all your aunts and uncles--that's what you called all of us--were no longer coming to visit. You stopped letting even them call you 'Mandy'." He turned to look at her. His face was carved in granite.
She shook her head. She would not let him see her cry. "I never knew why I hated that nickname so much." She finally met his eyes. "When I first started working for the Agency, I used to dream that I was a little girl down in the bullpen."
"We weren't located here then. We weren't even a separate entity. We were a little known, little discussed, department in a little warehouse." He shook his head. "You and Dotty did come and visit Carl sometimes. Maybe your little voice was trying to whisper something to you."
"And I ignored it," she said. She wished Lee were there. She could almost feel his arms surrounding her, hugging her close, and making her feel safe. She wanted him beside her. Together they were stronger than they were apart. "I was too busy trying to be an agent to pay attention."
He leaned forward, suddenly looking very serious. "I tried to stop you in many ways, Amanda. I denied your request for raises, for training, for everything you richly deserved. If it had been for Stemwider proving that I was not going to be rid of you . . . You were always going to find some dangerous assignment to involve yourself with, so I decided I would rather you do it as a trained operative."
Amanda started at the confession, but was not shocked by its substance. Questions she had not even known to ask had been answered. He had tried to discourage her from working in this profession. Today, he had even managed to endear himself with his words; he obviously cared very much for his sister, even if they did not see each other. "I'm surprised you did not keep an eye out on us after Dad died."
His silence made its own startling confession. Amanda closed her eyes, wondering what his spies had seen over the years. "How come you never knew about my working at the Agency until the background check?"
His frowned. "The fool I had doing it began to do a very sloppy job. He believed everything you were telling your mother, never bothering to check on any of it, or the people who dropped by your home."
Amanda thought of all the times Lee alone had been to her house that first year. Francine had even been there once. "Some bells would have been ringing if he had."
Doctor Smyth returned her smile. "Yes, Amanda, there would have been. Stetson alone would have rung bells loud enough to be heard across D.C."
She did not bother to ask what had happened to her one-time professional stalker. Doctor Smyth was notorious for not suffering fools gladly. A car beeped its horn as it drove past down below. "Were you and my father really good friends?"
"Yes, Amanda, we were. Carl was the best." He played with a cigarette, caressing it with his fingers. He did not light it. "Carl and I went to school together. When I took him home and introduced him to my sister, I lost a friend . . . and gained a brother-in-love that was closer than a brother. Dotty used to tease me that I lost a place to eat when she married him. I don't cook, and I used to be too poor to hire a cook. I ate at their home many times. Since my best friend was married to my sister, I could not alternate between their two homes. However, Dotty loved cooking for us, and enjoyed having me over," he told her. His eyes were out of focus. "We had never been closer."
Amanda shifted uncomfortable in her chair. He was becoming more and more human in front of her eyes. "Mother said she met him at a party."
The grin on his face actually showed teeth. The sight mesmerized Amanda. "She did. Our parents were gone for the weekend. Went to celebrate their anniversary without us."
Her father wore a leather jacket, and her mother had parties when her parents were out of town. "Oh."
"Yes, 'oh'," he said with a hint of laughter in his voice. "She walked in the door, and Carl immediately noticed her. I had never seen him affected by a woman that way. He promptly tried to ignore her. An hour later, he was drunk enough to tell every woman at the party that he loved her."
Amanda remembered Dotty sharing the story. "And Mother believed him."
Doctor Smyth thawed even more before her eyes. His shoulder's relaxed. His face melted into an easy smile. He relaxed into the chair. "Yes, she did. And he did. He loved her--madly. I envied him. She loved him as much as he loved her."
"How did he die?" Amanda did not know who was more startled. The part of her that demanded answers had forced the question past her lips.
"Let it be, Amanda. Sometimes secrets, like spies, are best left hidden." The ice-cold Smyth was back in a heartbeat.
Frustration became anger. "Why? Is it beyond my security clearance?"
Doctor Smyth stood and walked to the front of her desk. Placing his hands flat on the desk, he leaned forward. "As you know, now that you have been hired as a full-time operative, there is little that is beyond your clearance. Scarecrow worked for years to get where he is, but you are close to him in clearance because we had to make it easy for you to work with him." He stood and straightened his jacket. "Leave it alone. Some things are best left that way."
Amanda exhaled sharply, causing her bangs to flutter. "I don't understand--"
He turned on his heels. "You are both a parent and a spy now, Mandy. I have to ask if you want Philip and Jamie to know everything."
Amanda leaned back and honestly about the question. "Sometimes I wish they did. I wish I could sit down and share some of my thoughts and feelings with them, because I know I have a smaller chance of coming home than their friends' mothers do, but they would wonder why I'm talking so strange."
He crossed his arms. "But would you want them to know everything. Do you want them to know every detail about every case? Do you want them to know all about Lee's cases?"
Amanda thought about some of her actions. She was not ashamed of a single one of them, but she doubted she wanted her boys to know them. What would they say about her constant lying when she had raised them to believe lying was wrong? Would they understand why she had helped the Agency track down their father when he had been accused of murder? She had done it for Joe's benefit, but would it look that way on paper? "I think so."
"But you are not sure?" Doctor Smyth knew he had made his point.
"No," Amanda sighed. "I am not a hundred percent sure, but I really think I would."
"Even if--" Doctor Smyth stopped himself, jerking back in surprise. He about revealed something he had not wanted to, Amanda was certain. She watched him take several deep breaths before he spoke again. "Never mind. I dropped by today to see if you wanted to go with me to speak to Dotty. Katherine mentioned that you two were still having some difficulty. I wanted to explain to her that you did not know about Carl, and that I did not know about you."
Amanda studied the man before her. Nibbling her lip, she nodded. Although she doubted it would any good, she also doubted it would do any harm either. Dotty's cold silence let her know exactly how angry her mother was; Amanda had expected explosive anger, a melodramatic scene that would honor the most overt of drama queens. Since she had made her startling discovery, Dotty had become a stranger.
****
As she had done for the last two days, Amanda entered her home with a great deal of apprehension. Doctor's Smyth's presence did not relieve her mind any. Maybe she should think of him as Uncle Austin? No, she immediately decide, that was not going to happen.
Looking around the living room, she saw no signs of Dotty. She turned to walk upstairs when something struck her as wrong. She walked back into the living room, her eyes quickly scanning the area. Some photos and knickknacks were missing.
Doctor Smyth opened his mouth to ask her a question when a horn blew outside. Amanda peeked out the window and saw a taxi sitting in her driveway. She turned to look at Smyth. "There's a taxi—"
"There's my taxi," Dotty said. Amanda turned and saw her mother standing at the bottom of the staircase, a suitcase in both hands.
"I'm moving out, Amanda," she announced. She looked and sounded very much like Doctor Smyth. Amanda had never heard her mother sound so icy before today. "Besides, you and Lee will need the space."
Amanda shook her head, desperate to clear out the foggy feeling she was experiencing. "Lee and I? Mother, we already discussed--"
"Yes, dear," Dotty said, nodding her head like the Queen of England. "But that was before I knew the two of you were married."
Doctor Smyth dropped his lighter. He did not seem to notice as it thudded on the carpet below him. "What!"
Dotty sat down her suitcases and walked over to the bookcases. She picked up a file folder lying on one of them and handed it to her brother. "When they delivered this background check earlier today, I thought you had changed your policy a lot since you went from section chief to agency head, Austin. Remember what you used to say about two married people working together? Dulled their senses. Made them too vulnerable. You didn't care what the FBI's policy was; you were going to have your own. Hoover never knew anything anyway, you said."
For the first time, Amanda saw Doctor Smyth speechless. Since his eyes were so close together, he did an amazing imitation of a fish. His mouth opened and closed with not a sound emerging. Unfortunately, Amanda's ability to speech had been robbed from her, too.
Dotty finally turned to look at her, and she saw a flash of fear and pain in her mother's eyes. She wanted to reach out, to touch her, but she knew Dotty would reject the offer of comfort right now.
"I had movers come earlier, so this is all I have left here," she said, indicating her suitcase. "I left my address and phone number on the kitchen counter." She looked like she wanted to say more, but she did not. She picked up her suitcases and walked to the door. She opened it, walked through it, and closed it without ever looking back.
Amanda slid to the floor. Aunt Katherine had been wrong. Dotty was not going to be okay, not any time soon. She watched as Doctor Smyth glanced through the folder Dotty had handed him. She wanted to care, but her emotions were too raw to feel anything. Her professional life was now in chaos, too. How would Doctor Smyth, as head of the Agency, handle her marriage to Lee? How would the fact they kept it secret affect their jobs? She did not know.
She could not even think because of all the questions, emotions, and thoughts running through her mind. The pressure was on her again, but this time it was much worse than it had ever been. Calgone, she thought with a tinge of hysteria, take me away!